Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike 5/31/2026 | Greg Fitzsimmons

Summary

Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike – May 31, 2026

Hosts: Greg Fitzsimmons & Mike Gibbons

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Episode Overview

This week, Greg Fitzsimmons and Mike Gibbons deliver their signature blend of irreverent humor and sharp commentary as they riff on current news "straight from the Sunday Papers." The episode bounces between literary letdowns, harrowing Boston tales, fact-checking corrections, pop culture, animal oddities, and plenty of personal anecdotes. As always, even the weightier news stories are filtered through their comedic, conversational style.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

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Setting the Mood: Bad Vibes and Book Talk

Timestamps: 01:00 – 05:00

• Mike's Bad Mood: Mike opens in a funk after a rough night's sleep following concert overindulgence and insomnia.
• Literary Recommendations Gone Wrong:
  • Mike finishes the book Stoner, expecting a twist (“Is that a thing? …Everyone recommends Stoner and says there’s a surprise because the book is famous for being the flattest thing ever...It’s so boring, it’s extraordinary.” - Mike, 01:46)
  • Greg reads My Year of Rest and Relaxation on Jeselnik’s advice, finding it equally languid.
  • Both agree: "That's Jeselnik's genre. Books where nothing happens." (Greg, 04:50)
• Quick aside: Plans to read East of Eden; nostalgia for old theaters.

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Music Docs, Flights & Emotions

Timestamps: 05:30 – 10:10

• Greg watched a Jeff Buckley documentary, moved to tears on a plane ("His voice is like nothing you’ve ever heard before. It’s angelic..." – Greg, 05:32).
• Mike can’t handle climbing documentaries due to anxiety but tries "The Dark Wizard" (HBO doc).
• Greg’s inflight crying is repeatedly interrupted by the pilot pointing out Las Vegas ("Jeff Buckley was about the opposite of the Las Vegas strip." – Greg, 08:04).

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Boston Grit: Crowds, Comedy, and Tough Families

Timestamps: 10:10 – 16:30

• Greg’s Boston show draws a lighter crowd vs. last year. Notables in attendance: Mary Fitzgerald’s sister Kathleen, who fact-checks Greg onstage (“Your father wasn’t a doctor.” – Kathleen via Greg, 12:25).
• Family dinner at an Irish pub leads to:
  • Stories about Mary's dad, a bookie for Boston's Winter Hill Gang, respectfully confronting Whitey Bulger over a beating (“Because I have a gun aimed at your dick right now.” – Mary’s dad via Greg, 14:16).
  • Tales of the tough Fitzgerald sisters ready to throw down in Joshua Tree.
• Reflections on Boston toughness, abundance of angry personalities, and old bar brawls.

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Tom Jones Tales & Urban Legends

Timestamps: 16:30 – 26:30

• Rumors that Kathleen (or possibly Diane) once dated or made out with Tom Jones.
  • “You can be that tough that you repress Tom Jones the out of you, and you don’t let that memory come back up.” – Mike, 17:45
  • Unclear memories; family possibly connected to Jones through multiple interactions.
• Digression into Tom Jones’s mythos: athleticism (“He wore these skin tight suits and … was insanely fit.” — Greg, 25:53), sexuality, and electric performances—sparking a detour as the guys search for YouTube videos of him dancing.

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Corrections & Running Gags

Timestamps: 19:00 – 22:20

• Bob Petterson’s list of seven “Fitz factor” corrections (pronunciation goofs, factual slips).
• Mike's audio issues: Not loud enough vs. too many popped p’s.
• Ongoing banter: “He adds in little, like, I think that Bob is a nice guy until he adds in little ‘dip’ and ‘fuckfaces’.” – Greg, 20:33

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More Corrections, Listener Mail, and Sibling Rivalry

Timestamps: 23:00 – 25:50

• Running charades story: Kathleen’s brother can’t act out “Wuthering Heights,” grows increasingly frustrated, and starts banging his forehead for a clue.
• Revelations about the Tom Jones-Kathleen connection—text chains, urban legend escalation.

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$250 Trump Bill Satire & Trump Merchandise

Timestamps: 33:30 – 38:30

• Satirical story about Treasury plans for a $250 bill with Trump’s face (not real news):
  • “That’s because it’s only worth $2 now, down from 700. So for all those Trump supporters that jumped in early … you are broke.” – Greg, 35:19
  • Mike riffs: compares to Goofy Money at Disney, lists Trump guitars, coins, Bibles, and sneakers, jokes about only being accepted at the Trump gift shop.
  • On currency rules: “It’s a problem if the person is living, they can’t be on the bill.” – Mike, 37:26

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Oddball News: Alligator Erections

Timestamps: 38:38 – 41:50

• Alligator fact: Permanent erections, “switchblade” penis (“This sounds like me in high school.” – Greg, 39:55)
• Schoolboy stories and coping mechanisms for embarrassing teenage boners.
• Mike: “Now, when I see an alligator whose eyes are the only thing above the surface of the water, it looked sinister...Now it’s creepy.”

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Royal Scandals: Fergie and Diddy?

Timestamps: 41:58 – 45:56

• Alleged Sarah Ferguson–Sean "Diddy" Combs affair, rumors of a sex tape.
  • “He launched his own perfume, Unforgivable—what an unfortunate name for Diddy, who needs nothing but forgiveness right now.” – Greg, 42:58
• The hosts speculate about other rumors, possible confusion with Fergie from Black Eyed Peas.
• Reflections on royal family drama: “Never get tired of the royal family fucking up. I love it.” – Greg, 45:50

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California Mountain Lion Dream & Real-Life Sighting

Timestamps: 45:57 – 50:51

• Mike recounts vivid mountain lion dream after reading of one tranquilized near Santa Monica:
  • Dream analysis, hiking dangers, and the prevalence of “mountain lion attack hats” with eyes to deter attacks.
  • Greg compares to his wife “credit carding” him in the kitchen—comic domestic twist.

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Ethical Question: Friends Drinking Themselves to Death

Timestamps: 51:53 – 55:57

• Serious hypothetical: Should you intervene if a grieving friend chooses to “drink themselves to death”?
  • Mike: “...We seem to be drinking ourselves to death. It’s a slow…we're not ambitious about it.” (52:25)
  • Reveals Greg’s own fears regarding relapse if his wife were to pass.

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Entertainment: Trump’s America 250 Concert

Timestamps: 56:08 – 58:35

• Ridicules the lineup for Trump’s America 250 event: Flo Rida, Milli Vanilli (“One of them OD’d!”), Vanilla Ice, Young MC, and more (“What is it about Republicans getting talent for their shows? ... Kid Rock hasn’t been relevant in 20 years.” – Greg, 58:16)
• Observation: Why does the right struggle with attracting respected artists and comedians for major events?

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News Round-up: Florida and Nebraska

Timestamps: 59:39 – 64:22

• Florida Man: Arrested with pants down, live fish in backpack outside Taco Bell:
  • “...As the authorities said, with his chimichanga out.” – Mike, 60:41
• Nebraska: Dog in truck accidentally fires shotgun, injuring a woman’s arm.
  • “Dogs…they’re fighting back. You can’t eat the cats and the dogs without the dogs shooting back.” – Mike, 63:01

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Sports: UFC at White House, Outdoor Fights

Timestamps: 64:22 – 67:19

• Joe Rogan puzzled by UFC event at the White House, dislikes idea of outdoor fights due to heat and bugs (“He was the host of Fear Factor.” – Greg, 65:21)
• Comparison to historic outdoor fights (Rumble in the Jungle) and tennis matches in hot weather.

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This Day in History & The Onion

Timestamps: 68:06 – 79:36

• Trivia on the bald eagle’s removal from the Endangered Species List, Tyson–Holyfield’s infamous ear-bite fight, Terry Fox’s marathon, the Stonewall Riots.
• The Onion joke: “Respect for friend drops after reading book they recommended.” – Mike (75:01)
• More riffing on underwhelming book recommendations and pop culture gags.

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Comedy Caption Contest & Wrap-up

Timestamps: 77:22 – 82:41

• Caption contest: Cat’s butt pressed against guy’s mouth.
  • Winning entry: “Dude, your bong tastes funny.”
• Thanks to listeners, Gotham Production Studios, and plug for Quo (office call organizing software).
• Greg mentions enjoying an “epistolary novel” (novel in letters): “It’s just, it’s really, really well written.” (82:41)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “That’s Jesselnik’s genre. Books where nothing happens.”
  — Greg (04:50)
• “Your father wasn’t a doctor.”
  — Kathleen, fact-checking Greg during his act (12:25)
• “Because I have a gun aimed at your dick right now.”
  — Mary’s dad, facing Whitey Bulger (14:16)
• “You can be that tough that you repress Tom Jones the out of you, and you don’t let that memory come back up.”
  — Mike (17:45)
• “His voice is like nothing you’ve ever heard before. It’s angelic.”
  — Greg, on Jeff Buckley (05:32)
• “That’s because it’s only worth $2 now, down from 700. So for all those Trump supporters that jumped in early … you are broke.”
  — Greg, satirizing Trump’s digital coin (35:19)
• “Alligators are like running around with a switchblade.”
  — Greg (39:55)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:00 – 05:00: Book talk and morning mood
• 05:30 – 10:10: Jeff Buckley documentary & flight story
• 10:10 – 16:30: Boston stories & Fitzgerald lore
• 19:00 – 22:20: Corrections and running gags
• 33:30 – 38:30: Trump $250 bill and related satire
• 38:38 – 41:50: Alligator permanent erection story
• 41:58 – 45:56: Royal family and Diddy rumors
• 45:57 – 50:51: Santa Monica mountain lion
• 51:53 – 55:57: Drinking-to-death ethical dilemma
• 56:08 – 58:35: Trump’s “America 250” event
• 59:39 – 64:22: Florida man, Nebraska dog shot
• 64:22 – 67:19: UFC at the White House
• 68:06 – 79:36: History trivia & Onion headlines
• 77:22 – 82:41: Comedy caption contest & sign-off

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Episode Tone & Style

Consistently playful, sarcastic, and affable, Greg and Mike use humor and personal storytelling to deconstruct the news, their own mishaps, and cultural absurdities. Even when covering grim or bizarre headlines, they keep it light-hearted, often at their own expense.

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Useful for Listeners Who Haven’t Tuned In

This episode is typical of Sunday Papers: a rambling journey through the news and personal lives of two comics who find the absurd, awkward, and hilarious in everything—from slow-burning novels to street fights in Boston, presidential memorabilia, animal biology, and family rumors involving Tom Jones. If you like your current events with heavy doses of comedy, tangents, and genuine friendship, this one’s for you.

Transcript

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[Poet or Introductory Narrator]

Life's ephemeral thin as paper Time goes up in a vapor. Life goes fast, Time goes slow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday, Sunday papers Kid Coming from Beant,

[Mike]

Boston, Massachusetts, I've already been in a bad mood for five hours today. You told me to save that for the podcast. I wasn't going to bore people with it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I didn't want you to save the bad mood. I wanted you to save talking about the bad mood. Lose the bad mood. All right, what's My father used to fucking say that to me whenever I was being defiant in any way. He would say, lose the attitude. Drop the fucking attitude. And I would just look at him like, I don't know how to do that. Like, why don't you tell me how to do that? Like, there was never any parenting. There was just yelling at you for being a way they didn't want you to be.

[Mike]

I would have a lot more attitude after someone told me to drop the attitude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Exactly. Yes. So enough about my childhood. Let's talk about your adulthood.

[Mike]

Very similar, I think. Yeah. Woke up at 5am Couldn't get wheels started spinning, couldn't get back to sleep. So that, that and I was Yesterday was the, you know, the concert at Panmar thing. I stayed. I overindulged and really needed the sleep. All right. So what I do, I can't sleep. I decide to finish the book. I'm listening to Stoner, right? So this book came so highly recommended and I don't know where I got the impression that it's there was a surprise ending, right? Or a surprising ending. And maybe Jezel Nick talked about it. You know he has a book club and any posts it so here's the so what happens is it did because there was no surprise ending. So it was shocking actually. Like I had been set up and I'm wondering is that a thing? Is that. Is there an agreement out there that everyone recommends Stoner and says there's a surprise because the book is famous, really famous for being the flattest thing ever about the most unremarkable life. And it's, it's almost like it's so boring. It's not boring. You know what I mean? It's so boring. It's extraordinary. Do you know what I mean? And it's red, like. And then he woke up that day and felt that way for the next few years, getting through days. His wife was getting along better with him lately. But in the next few years, like, it's, it's like that occasionally he'll talk about an argument that's having going on. And by the way, it's an argument between two professors and you'll, he'll do dialogue and it's shocking. You're like, oh, my God. I feel like in this moment, rather than a narrator. And anyway, stoner, so it's like a Billy Island. Stoner is a piece of work. Man, I, I, I wish I had that time back. I know, and I know a lot of people love it, but it, yeah,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

it's, it's, that's funny because I actually took a Jeselnik recommendation and I read, like, with my eyes. I read a book called My Year of Rest and Relaxation. And it's about this woman, and she's beautiful and she's, she was born rich and she decides to just take a year and sit in her apartment. She saved enough money from her job at an art gallery and she inherited money from her mother who died. So she spends a year drinking cough syrup and taking barbiturates in her apartment and being a recluse. And that's the book. That's the book like nothing happened. So now we know that that's Jessel Nick's genre,

[Mike]

East of Eden next, which is a big one, but one of the greats. I think I might have read it in high school. I saw the play.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You saw Jimmy Dean? Well, James Dean played it on playing

[Mike]

in that Old Timey theater near here. Oh, I almost sent you. Oh, because the Old Timey theater, which is shocking. I don't think you've been to it either. It's in El Segundo, still has the organ. We talked about it. They have, coming up, Marx Brothers Duck Soup.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Really an archivist talking about it also.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, we got. That's my favorite.

[Mike]

I'd go see that in that theater. It's coming up. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, let's do it. Let's do it. I just saw a documentary about Jeff Buckley. Who I've always, I mean, anybody that has been exposed to. Jeff Buckley has most likely had a very profound reaction to it. It's just. He is a. His voice is like nothing you've ever heard before. It's angelic. It goes through. He's got. I'm not going to. I don't want to get Fitz corrected. But he. There's many octaves that he's capable of singing in. And. And also his songwriting is incredible. And anyway, his life is just as incredible as his music. Like, this documentary is insane.

[Mike]

So I started it and realized I was too tired and I. And I didn't want to, like, kind of fall asleep during it. So I've got. I have that to look forward to. I'm watching. We're going to get back to Buckley in a second. I then am watching though this climbing documentary on hbo. I keep forgetting the name of the goddamn thing, but it's. It's all Yosemite the Madman before the free solo gu. Anyway, it's. It's great. The Dark Wizard. It's called the Dark Wizard.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I can't watch those. I can't watch those. I get.

[Mike]

Then you can't watch this one because I get pretty anxious and it's. It's anxiety inducing. Anyway, back to Buckley. It starts with a Led Zeppelin. He's singing Led Zeppelin in the very first frames, which is great. Oh, no, sorry. Bob Dylan. He's singing Bob Dylan. And does it go into. How much into his death and what they know about it do they go into in the documentary?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I'm not going to. No spoilers, so I'm not going to touch that. But I will say this about Led Zeppelin. He said, life is depression, hope, sadness, joy, and Led Zeppelin. He goes, those are the five things in life. And. And he got to meet Jimmy Page and Robert at one point. And. Yeah. And it was a pretty big deal for. Anyway, you don't want.

[Mike]

You don't want to. His last moments. Because I know them without having seen the documentary.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but if people haven't, I don't want to ruin it for them. But. So I'm watching.

[Mike]

I get better. It's a better ending than. I mean, more happens. Go ahead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yes.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I'm in Boston right now. I flew out here yesterday. And I'm on the flight and I. And I, against my better judgment, I start watching the flight on the, you know, the. The inflight movie screen instead of watching something on my phone. And the problem is I'm watching this Jeff Buckley documentary. And it is very emotional and he deals with mental illness and sadness and all this stuff. And it gets this beautiful point where he's singing this song and I have tears coming down my face. And then the fucking pilot comes on and he's like, ladies and gentlemen, if you look outside the left side of your plane, you can see the Las Vegas strip. And Jeff Buckley was about. He was about the opposite of the Las Vegas strip. And he kept talking about his experience going to Las Vegas in his 20s. I'm not kidding you. And I'm like. And the movie pauses and. And it just kept happening. He kept pointing out the entire flight and it kept pausing.

[Mike]

Ladies and gentlemen, also in 39C, there's a 60 year old man crying rather uncontrollably. We're sorry about this. And is the marshal on board? Can we get the marshal involved, please?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You might. You might have seen him in the restroom for about 19 minutes. As soon as we took off, there was some banging noises in there.

[Mike]

Ovulating. Please don't go and sit on that toilet seat. Use the other bathroom.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that how it works?

[Mike]

Can you actually get pregnant aids from toilet seats? I think dementia, everything from toilet seats, from what I hear, Covid.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And there's no toy, there's no toilet paper or hand lotion left in that particular laboratory.

[Mike]

May slip. Please hold on and brace yourself while in there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You won't be able to look in the mirror. They're a little steamed up right now.

[Mike]

I'm gonna keep talking because the longer I talk, the less I'll cry. I'm interrupting his music documentary, which has brought him to tears.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, God. So. So I'm in Boston. I go to my show last night. Little light in attendance. Thank you, guys. Oh, no, Boston, you know, Boston, which is like, last year I sold out all the show. I didn't sell them out, but I had like big crowds for all my.

[Mike]

Not watching basketball. They're not watching their Celtics.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the first thing I said. I go, none of your loser teams made the playoffs. Where the fuck is everybody?

[Mike]

The playoffs?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But anyway, so. But who did make it was our friend Mary Fitzgerald's sister and her husband, who I've gotten to know very well over the last 30 years. And Kathleen is amazing. So cool. And they bring about seven people. And originally I get this call from Mary. Hey, I got a bunch of family members want to come to your show. Can you fit them in? And I'm like, oh, Jesus. Weekend night. I don't know if I can do this. Meanwhile, it's like, yeah, can you bring 30 other people. Is that possible?

[Mike]

Is Mary in Boston?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's away. She's down in Cape Cod with her. Her friends who are not lesbians.

[Mike]

We need to know that, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, they all went to Wellesley College. And so that's. The rap is like, oh, every. Every woman there is a lesbian. But anyway, I'm not gonna. The point is, her sister Kathleen is. Is like. I go. I'm talking to the crowd, and I say to her, I go, yes. So I went to. I went to college here. I said, I went to Boston University. And then Mary's sister claps, and I know she went to nursing school there, but just to play around, I go, oh, did you go to bu? You know, thinking she'll just play along with it. She goes, you know me, Greg. It's Kathleen. I'm like, what the. I go, I know Kathleen. I was just. And. And then, like, two jokes later, I go, so my father was a doctor. Just because I was playing off somebody, something somebody else said. I said, my father's dog. Kathleen goes, your father wasn't a doctor. I'm like, get out.

[Mike]

Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Get out.

[Mike]

Fact checks live.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, so we go out to this Irish pub after the show with all of her, and these are, like, the toughest guys you've ever met, these Boston guys that she's with. And they're talking about. I said, who is the toughest out of all the Fitzgerald sisters? Because there's three sisters. Diane, Mary, and Kathleen. And she immediately goes, oh, Mary, Mary. Without a doubt. And so she was talking about how they were in. And first of all, you got to remember, Mary's dad was a bookie.

[Mike]

Amazing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And everybody always goes, he works for Whitey Bulger. But I said that on stage. She goes, no, he worked for the Winter Hill Gang, which was a rival to Whitey Bulges. So if you think Whitey Bulger's guys are tough, how about the guys that are the rivals of. Of Whitey Bulger? And so. And they told this story about how Sal, you know, south. He was so racist back then, but their dad was, like, unbelievably not. And he took this black kid. There was this black kid that got beat up really bad by Whitey's gang, and they mistook him for a different black guy that owed the money. So this guy is in the hospital, and Mary's dad brings another guy from the gang, and they go to Whitey's bar, and he goes, just stand out front. Pretend like you're holding a gun. Like that like in the Godfather, the baker that they bring out, and he goes. He goes into the bar, and he walks up to Whitey, and he goes, you fucked up the wrong guy. The black guy's in the hospital. He's not gonna be able to pay his rent or take care of his family for a while. You need to give him $3,000. And Whitey goes, why would I do that? And the dad goes, because I have a gun aimed at your dick right now. And Whitey smiled at him, and he goes, all right, you got me. And he gave him the three grand. And I was.

[Mike]

There's a big respect, because also, he had served. He was in the military, I think. I think there was something like. Whitey goes, the only reason you're alive is because. Or something like that. Like, it was. He could have taken him out at any point,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

right? So Mary gets. And. And then, you know, her brothers were both literally. Literally, like, the best boxers in Massachusetts. Like, her brother Timmy was the Golden Globes champ of New England. And everybody in South Boston was afraid of these guys. So she goes, mary was the toughest.

[Advertisement Voice]

And.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they were out at Joshua Tree, like, couple years ago. The whole family's there. And. And Kathleen gets bumped by this woman in line at a bar. And so it happens a couple times. So Kathleen bumps her back, and the woman starts lipping off to Kathleen, and she goes. And Marry and Diane, like, in unison, slip off their earrings, kick off their shoes, and start walking at the woman. And the woman just, like, put her hands on, like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Mike]

Boston plague walking right at you. Are you kidding me?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Holy shit. I mean, this town. I mean, I can remember. Remember when we'd be down at Faneuil hall at closing time, the amount of fights that would break out. So many street.

[Mike]

Oh, no, it's so. I mean, Dickie hates when we call Boston so angry. But it really is. I mean, even the. The old people were really angry there. And I know New York has some angry people, too, but Boston's was just the stiff upper lip. Even, like the. You know, the WASPy people. Rich WASPy people are angry up there. And.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah, you know, I think it was Kathleen. It was Mary's birthday a few years ago, and she told me this story. So Tom Jones is playing in Boston. Have you ever heard this story? Well, sadly, I don't remember it, but I remember the high. The highlights basically, were somehow he picked her out of the audience or whatever it was, or had a roadie say, do you want to come backstage or Maybe she had access to backstage. Anyway, yeah, it was Kathleen. And Tom Jones was so smitten with her. And then he goes, would you go out to dinner? It was something like that. And anyway, he arrives in a limousine, picks her up, and they go to, like, dinner. All this. And so I'm hearing this story, and I'm leaving out details. We should have Mary maybe call in next week and fill it in. Or Kathleen. But. And. And has this whole thing, and I'm listening to the story. I'm like, so when did you go back to his hotel? She's like, I didn't. And she's. I'm like, hold on. I go, tom Jones takes. Thinks you're hot. It's. It's a long time ago. She's like, really young, I think. And. And you go on a date and all this, and then he, like, just drops you off. She's like, yeah. And I'm like, you know what? That's tough when you can be that tough that you repress Tom Jones the out of you, and you don't let that memory come back up. That's tough. Like, that's real tough. And a lot of alcohol also helps.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't have made it out of the limo.

[Mike]

They totally hooked up. And she's. She is absolutely denying it. And she's. I don't think she's lying. I think she.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know. Well, she has been with her husband since she was 16. Maybe they had a little breakup at a certain point when this date happened, but he picked her up when she was 16.

[Mike]

By the way, I might have it wrong. It might be the other sister. Maybe it might have been Diane.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know. Yeah. But they're all cute as hell. And who knows?

[Mike]

Tom Jones. Yeah. All right, let me look at Tom Jones in my. Okay, go ahead. In my search it. If it ever comes up, because I

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

then wrote the logo this.

[Mike]

Okay, go ahead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The logo this week is from Lane from Denver. It's a car race, which. I literally know nothing. I tried to watch that formula F1 show. It's still a bunch of cars driving in a circle. Not a circle. I guess they drive through cities. I don't know. It just. So anyway, there must be a big race going on because Lane sent us this logo of a car race. Thank you. And the song this week from Cali Khan, who is our resident in live. She's like a furry for Blondie. She dresses as Blondie. Came to one of my shows dressed as Blondie, and she Wrote this song. Thank you. It's. What a voice. Haunting. I say, bunch of corrections. This one, Bob Petterson, who is the Fitz factor of the decade. He is. He is diligent and he is very detail oriented. And he has A list of 7 corrections from last week. I'm guessing they're all me. He says the hantavirus is not the Hunter virus. It is hantavirus. Okay? Camaraderie is not comradery. It's comma, rottery. Fentanyl is not fentanyl. It's fentanyl. Fenton is not pneumonic. Mnemonic is not pneumonic. It's nuh.

[Mike]

We need this every week.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mike was thinking. Mike was thinking of the word pneumatic. Greg. It is a silent M at the beginning. Dip. He. He adds in little like. I think that Bob is a nice guy until he adds in little dip and fuck faces. Uh, number five is you said you don't need no insurance. What the hell, Greg? What the hell? You might as well move to Florida or South Carolina. Well, that's not nice to you meet them.

[Mike]

Oh,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

number six, the product is not WeGovy, it's We Go V. I've never

[Mike]

heard it like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And. And finally, number seven, Mike's. Mike was way too close. He popped his peas the entire podcast. So annoying. Well, I don't know what to say, because then I got another email from somebody who says that Mike was not loud enough.

[Mike]

Lord, I have awful mic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maybe we need one of those.

[Mike]

I mean, I'm. I've adjusted it. It's below. I'm talking over. But these are very directional mics. I like the one you're using.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We'll say pepper. Well, I think you need. What? Maybe one of those.

[Mike]

Bring my mic on the road. I'll look for it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or you could go on Amazon. I think they're 30 cents.

[Mike]

Now, this mic, you know, this mic is annoyingly. It's like. It's almost like it's an apple mic. It doesn't fit the mic stand. I have to put the mic stand there. You go on blue tape, and it doesn't fit anything. It's a large mic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Believe me, I know the feeling.

[Mike]

All right, so I found the text to Mary. This is what I wrote. I go, what a night. Your family is the best. All of us at the party are so lucky that no Fitzgeralds have faced their problems. Your older sister is adorable. She slept with Tom Jones, but sticks to her cute false memory of it being just a kiss. And your brothers run around like a bar on 86th street at the end of the parade route. I'm amazed they don't all live in a firehouse. And which maniac fucking, fucking, fucking hates flights over 45 fucking minutes. Fucking had to watch a special on goddamn gamma rays. Made me feel even more fucking insignificant. One of her brothers. One of her brothers chewed my ear off about having to watch a documentary on gamma rays. That made him feel worse.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

One of them.

[Mike]

Yeah,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

one of them. We were up at Mary's 60th last summer in Maine. She rented a house in Maine, and all her brothers came up, all her maniac friends came up, and we started playing running charades. So her brother had to get. Had to. Had to act out a charade for the group. And I think it was like Wuthering Heights was the answer. And he has no fucking idea what Wuthering Heights is. And so he's trying to act it out phonetically. And he's the angriest human being you've ever met your life. And we're not getting it. Nobody's getting it. And it's going on. It goes from being funny to being uncomfortable to the point where he finally just starts taking his. The palm of his hand and smashing it into his forehead over and over again. And so we start going, skull, forehead, bang. And then he finally just goes, no, think, think.

[Mike]

It's unbelievable. All right, so I. Again, I searched just the words Tom Jones in my text. So Mary Fitzgerald pops up. I'm 90% sure my mother made out with Tom Jones in the late 70s. Michael Fitzsimmons. Michael Fitzgibbon goes, I'm 70% sure my mom made out with him in the 90s. But. But anyway, when I brought up the story to Mary years later, she goes. She told. Hold on a minute. Sorry. I just had it. That her neighbor, her mom. Where is it? Here we go. You're right. After my mom met him, Tom Jones went on to bang our hot Asian flight attendant neighbor, Claire, who was my sister Kathleen's running pal. Kathleen was a goody goody, though. I know. Hard to believe we drank the same water. Anyway,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

so wait, does that mean Mary's mom might have been the one that went out on the date Jones?

[Mike]

No, no, no, it was. I mean, I. No, I oddly have a good memory with some things, and I think it was. I think it was her sister. But that's how Tom maybe got exposed to the family. I don't know if they had VIP seats because the mom.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus, how many women. How many women do you think Tom Jones has slept with in his life? I mean, you got to go back

[Mike]

to like Fitz Charles,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean Ann Margaret, like all that. That caliber of.

[Mike]

He was generally known as the hottest dude in the world for a stretch

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

and to see. Go watch him sing. What's the one where he's dance? Well, he danced like a maniac. He wore these skin tight suits and I think he was a soccer player. So he had this insanely fit body and, and it was like.

[Mike]

But, but no Tom Jones. There's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's a real factual.

[Mike]

There's a cover he does and he goes crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What was it?

[Mike]

He also. Yeah, he did great covers. What is this one? It's on. Yeah, it's unbelievable.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Oh, there's a Tom Jones who's a famous run. Anyway, we're both going down a rabbit hole during a podcast. All right, let's get to another correction. We have a guy named Nathan who says antiviral is a thing. You would use it after getting sick. Like an antibiotic vaccine would be beforehand. Tamiflu is an antiviral for influenza. Fuck that guy for getting high and mighty about being wrong. Because we were talking about Hantavirus and I said, is there an antivirus? And somebody really laid into me. Ray Jepsen said the last episode you were talking about New Jersey. You said the governor is Mike Sherrill. It's Mikey Shirill. Pronounced Mikey. Her full name is Rebecca Michelle Shirill. I think it's okay though, because I had to fight my spell checker to spell her name correctly. Is it. Is there a chance? Microsoft spell check AI was trained on episodes of the Sunday papers.

[Mike]

Well, interesting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's interesting. Tour dates coming up. Let's. Let's tick up the attendance, folks. Last night was bad. Rochester, New Hampshire at the Opera House on June 5th. A Gunquit, Maine. Jonathan's on June 6th. Huntington Beach, California, Mamba, July 12th. Then I will be in St. Pete's for a festival. August 14 and 15, Cincinnati and Columbus. Coming up over the summer. Go to fitzdog.com, get tickets, come out, say hi, buy a pin.

[Mike]

All right, here he is. Look at it. Look at this maniac.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, so he's going crazy.

[Mike]

How about this? The dance is so notorious and famous that everyone has remixed it and put like Outkast and other bands to his dancing. It's all over YouTube. Just look up Tom Jones dancing. What a. What a. He must have been all over the Fitzgerald family. All over them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, what was the. What was the song originally that's how

[Mike]

many covers have been made by people. I couldn't find the original there. But he also. If you want to look up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really plays.

[Mike]

I don't know if you've ever seen this. He plays with Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young and kills it, like on a variety show thing. And he's their lead singer. And it's. I think it's like, long time coming or what. A long time gone, whatever that song is. And yeah, he. And that's worth looking up as well.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I'm just reading. I'm trying to. I'm looking as Wikipedia.

[Mike]

Rabid. Rabid.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm looking at.

[Mike]

Now you can't say the word okay around Ruby. Like. Like you're golfing with him. He's. And you're like. He said, why don't you hit for him? Like, okay. He's like, okay. He just immediately puts on gay voice and says okay and mocks you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It says that he was born. His father was a coal miner, and he actually had. He was sick. He was sickly as a kid. He had tuberculosis when he was 12, and he was in bed for two years recovering. But it doesn't say anything about sports. But I could swear. Maybe somebody can check on this. But I could swear he was an athlete. Either. It was either soccer or something. I don't know the sports.

[Mike]

So even when you look up facts and all that, you just don't. You Don't. You just override them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Today's episode. Wait, hold on.

[Mike]

Before we move on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Today's episode. Now to play it.

[Mike]

It was just a yell. It was just a yellow. Oh, man. He kills it. Like they're. And by the way, csny, like, Crosby. They're looking at each other like the pipes on this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I know. I saw him come out with. I don't know if it was somebody who was very accomplished and refined. And I remember he came out with them, and I remember thinking, oh, they must be looking down on him as, like, this kind of freak. And it was nothing but respect. Who. I can't remember who it was. Anyway, today's episode is brought to you

[Mike]

while you talk about quo. I got to get some more. I'll be right back. It takes a second.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, good, perfect. I'll handle it. I mean, look, here's the thing is, if you work in an office, which I did for most of my life. No, I've never worked in an office, but I know my son does, and he talks a lot about the confusion of who took what call, what was Said, when do they need to be called back? I think it's a problem. Most offices today, it's not AI yet. And it and quo is a way to come in and use the best of AI to help you organize the flow of your office place. You know, it's like you got this. You're juggling 10 different ways of communicating and you just gotta get organized. Let's fucking quo. I didn't make that up. That was in the copy.

[Mike]

Let's fucking quote it, man. You are let. You let things slip through the cracks, boy. I'll tell you that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know I gotta get. I gotta get a staff meeting going together. CRO, that's Q U O. It's built so you never miss a call. Your whole team handles calls and texts from one shared number. Everybody sees the conversation history. Customers actually get answers right away. They don't get, you know, customers. If you ghost a customer, there are so many competitors out there that will pounce. It's got to be done quickly, efficiently, and with the research of knowing what was said in the previous conversation. This gets it all in one place, whether it's on your phone, your computer, in your office. Even if you're out of the office, you can keep your existing number. Add teammates. Connect to your. Connect your CRM. I'm constantly saying, how am I going to connect my CRM?

[Mike]

William, Money is on the line. Always say hello with quo. Try quo for free. Plus 20% off your first six months when you go to quo.com papers. That's quo.com papers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Q U.com papers.

[Mike]

Am I popping on the P's?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which brings us to the front page. What do you got? All right. Okay. The Treasury Department is preparing to print. Say preparing to print. Let's see how your P's are preparing to print.

[Mike]

I'm talking by the mic, not into it. And my voice cracked.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

$250 bills. Not. Not 250 separate bills. $250 bills with President Trump's face.

[Mike]

Hey, can you break a 250?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's just waiting for Congress's green light. Treasury Secretary Scott Besant said Thursday. Bessant said that as secretary, he has two mandates for currency. At present, no living person can be on US Currency beset added. There is. There is proposed legislation on Capitol Hill to change the requirement so that Trump can be on the $250 bill. Percent compared adding Trump's face to the currency to the upcoming festivals for the country's 250th anniversary. And said the issue bifurcated from the growing affordability crisis as Americans struggle to buy gas and groceries. Yeah. You know, you can use four of these $250 bills to buy a Trump watch that will never be delivered, or you can buy a Trump digital coin and you will get $248 in change. That's because it's only worth $2 now, down from 700. So for all those Trump supporters that jumped in early spent $700 on coins, you are broke. You can buy four. You can buy four Trump Bibles for the $250 bill, which is, by the way, made in China. Or you can buy one pair of his sneakers and look like a homosexual breakdancer from Maryland.

[Mike]

Maryland.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know where that came from.

[Mike]

I was like, when we were driving to Florida and we stopped at Disney and we got Goofy money.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Goofy.

[Mike]

Goofy's face in the park. There were bills. And I think, what, we got change or something. And.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, if you want to. Yeah, if you want to go to the carnival stuff or whatever, you. You get money and it has to be exchanged.

[Mike]

Disney bunny. And then we went to a. We were staying in a motel or something nearby Disney, not in Disney.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And as a. Yeah, we're like 19 years old.

[Mike]

We're at the bar, and as a joke, we go, I wonder if they'll take this Disney money. And the bartender overhears us. He's like, we accept that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, the best part is we were broke. It was me, you, and Billy, and we were shitfaced and broke. And I found some of the money in my pocket wadded up from that day.

[Mike]

And that's what this is. It's a Goofy on a bill that you kind of can't believe is real. And it's not really going to be useful anywhere except. Yeah, probably in the Trump gift shop. That's probably the only thing. Only place.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And by the way, you can also. For 50 of these bills, you can get a signed Trump guitar. This is how the leader of the free world spends his time. You can buy. Did you know there's a Trump electric guitar? And he signs it. This is how he spends his time, signing merchandise. And then you say to yourself, good, good. I would much rather he spends time selling sneakers and guitars and whatever else than putting new tariffs down or bombing countries. Let's keep him as distracted as you.

[Mike]

Sign these drumsticks instead of those pardons on your desk. How about. I really want Trump drumsticks. Or the, The. The. The bass drum cover. Like a big signature on there, please. Yes, but listen, you can't put a living person on. On currency. It's a rule. And I'm thinking that problem is easily solved. Right? Just one unhinged listener can solve this problem very loosely. I haven't said anything, but I mean there. Anyway, it's a problem if the person is living, they can't be on the bill.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now why, what if you. If a living person can't be on the bill, how did Barbara Bush get on the $1 bill? She was still alive.

[Mike]

And I guess I should clarify that the list. Unhinged listener can change policy. Of course, that's what I meant. The they can change policy and get a living person on the bill. See? Yeah. That way we're not going to be taken off the algorithm or whatever it's called.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's talk about alligators.

[Mike]

If alligators weren't intimidating enough, they also.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh my God. Okay.

[Mike]

They also have permanent boners. According to a study, male alligator penises are made of tough fibrous tissue and shoot out for procreation before being retracted at the same speed. After Dissecting an enormous 13 foot Louis, Louisiana gator, they found a nearly 2.75 inch long penis inside its cloaka, an alligator's waist and reproductive orifice. So permanently erect penis, 2.75 inches and a cloak. This sounds like me. In high school, they realized its penis was filled to the brim with collagen. The a fibrous protein that acts as scaffolding in your body. That's when they discovered that an alligator penis doesn't inflate like a human's. It simply stays ready. By putting on the tendons near the cloaka, she caused its penis to spring out. And as soon as those muscles relax, the penis gets whipped back into its original position. This sounds like. Alligators are like running around with a switchblade.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Yeah. They're like. It's like a Puerto Rican. It's a puerto Rican boner.

[Mike]

1970s New York joke. Is it the Knicks that are bringing that joke back to your mind? The Knick? The Knicks in the playoffs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When you're a Jet, you're a Jet to the end from your first cigarette. I mean, Jesus Christ. To have it ready at all times. Already erect at this point, mine needs blue chew. Three cups of coffee, two popsicle sticks and a rubber band.

[Mike]

It does change. Now when I used to, when I used to see an alligator whose eyes were the only thing above the surface of the water, it looked very sinister to me. Like, it's like. It's about to pounce. It's waiting, waiting. Now that bout to pounce has a new meaning for me. It kind of looks like it's creepy. Now its eyes are above the surface of the water. Like I would be if I had my. You know, my swim drawer around my ankles in a pool. It's a creepy thing. Now it's ready. It's there with a.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think it's like, basically being a ninth grader. Like, I can remember popping boners and having no control. Like, literally, if it rubbed against the inside of my jeans. Walking down the hall in high school and I saw Jill Garfunkel, I would pop an erection and I would. I remember sitting down against the lockers sometimes and waiting for it to pass before. Before showing up late.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. You'd have it up and, like, under your belt, under your waistband, straight.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Your shirt would have to be loose. Yeah, I'm not talking about you. Me? I'm talking about you. I saw you do that all the time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, well, I needed my. Yeah. My whole shirt had to be hanging over there. You. You didn't. Your shirt didn't come into play, but the. You know, the top part of your pants.

[Mike]

Yeah. Speaking of permanent hard ons that are creepy, here's your story you put in here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sarah Ferguson secret, secret love affair with disgraced rapper Sean Diddy Combs continues to trouble her, especially since she's been warned that a potential sex tape between them could soon be leaked. Oh, so this guy's got a book about it. And he said the former Duchess of York had friends with benefits with Diddy for several years. They traveled overseas to hook up. It began in 2004, lasted for years. In 2006, he launched his own perfume. Unforgivable. What an unfortunate name for Diddy, who needs nothing but forgiveness right now. Which he claimed was inspired by Sarah and how she liked a man to smell. Yeah, she liked the. She liked him to smell like cigar smoke and a baby that's just been oiled up. That was. That was her aroma.

[Mike]

What is this? Royal family and Diddy. It's kind of crazy. He's taking them all down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why? Was she involved with anybody else?

[Mike]

No, but. And isn't an. Oh, no. Andrew's Epstein, and I guess. I guess that's unrelated, so. No, never mind. You're right. He's not. Hey, did you ever hear the rumor of. And I thought it was a tape. Maybe that's what they're referring to, but there was a rumor that she was in what was described as an orgy in New York, and maybe it was Tiger Woods. If any listeners heard this, it's probably on Reddit somewhere. But I remember hearing rumors about her being caught in a room where many people were having sex.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it looks like the Crowns next season will feature the very first black cast member in the series.

[Mike]

The crowd's gonna get spicy, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah. It's gonna be suddenly this Kentucky Fried Chicken at the Royal Palace.

[Mike]

I am googling. Sarah Ferguson forgot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But when you say Fergie. Sure it wasn't Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas?

[Mike]

No, no, no. She just peed on stage, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mike]

All right. I'm not getting anything.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

For a guy. For a gay guy, he certainly fucked a lot of women.

[Mike]

Well, then he had them have sex with people also. That was a big thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, maybe that. But I think in the crown, Fergie is portrayed as really, like, sexual provocative or promiscuous. I mean, and if I'm thinking of the right character, she was the wild one when she. Is she Prince Diana's sister?

[Mike]

I don't know. You know, believe it or not, I've never seen the crown, and I know shamefully, very little about the royal families. All of them through history.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, Fergie.

[Mike]

Well, this says Sarah Ferguson's latest sex scandal is deeply embarrassing. Latest. That's what I'm. That's what I'm getting, really. A picture of. There's a picture with him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I don't think they were sisters. I think they were friends. And I guess Fergie put out a book that talked about personal stuff between them and Diana broke off the friendship.

[Mike]

I got it. I like that people are hearing this in real time. But anyway, there she is, pictured with Andrew. Yeah, What a couple. What a couple.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Never get tired of the royal family fucking up. I love it. You want to do your story about right here in California?

[Mike]

Let me tell you about California. Oh, this story. Yeah, this was quite local. Mountain lion tranquilized captured after roaming Santa Monica neighborhood. So it was on 14th street, man. The mountain line.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's like. That didn't live on 14, a little

[Mike]

further towards the hills north by Montana. But you know what? I put this. I found this story this morning is I had a dream, and I think it might have been last night, about two mountain lions in my kitchen going through food. And I walked in and they didn't, like, look that big. And I'm like, what the fuck? And I started yelling at them and like, I grabbed pots. And then they. They. There was. And I Don't even know what kitchen this was. It was unrecognizable to me. It seemed like an apartment and old, like 1950s one. And I could see the window was broken on the far side of the kitchen. And they crawled out. And when the second one crawled out, I realized how gigantic it was. Like, you know when you see the side of, like, their shoulder and it's just the biggest muscle, like, you've ever seen, and it crawled out. And then I was like. At that moment, I realized, oh, my God, I can't believe I'm alive. After I just. Just yelled at them confidently. And then it stuck its face back in. And I immediately. It was like, there's no way I could run and, like, close the door fast enough, like, if it wanted to kill me. And anyway, it woke me up. And then I saw this headline that this morning.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Geez, what do you think that. I mean, Freud would say every dream means something. What is it that makes you so afraid? That. But. But there's times you frighten it, but then it comes back.

[Mike]

What do you mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like the lion?

[Mike]

What was going on in that dream?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, what do you think? How do you think it relates to your real life? What do you think? It's a metaphor.

[Mike]

It's probably something I didn't realize was very threatening to me, maybe, or like, that I was cavalier about. I've been thinking a lot about hiking lately, and you brought it up, like, hiking alone. And then I got some people who texted me, like, dude, don't hike alone. Like, they heard it on the podcast. And I did think. And, you know, they. And I'm well aware of, you know, they sell hats. Literally, like, little wool hats with eyeballs on the back of them, because you'll always be attacked from behind by a mountain lion. And the thing to do is to face them. It's almost true with every animal. And so they live. These are for sale. You can buy them online. Like, they have. They sell them. So maybe it would fool them or give you enough time or something. But I was like, yeah, no, easily. I was up. Way up above 10,000ft in behind Bishop, up in the Bishop Lakes region. And there are mountain lines there for sure. And I'm. And I'm alone, which is kind of the number one thing you shouldn't do regarding mountain lions.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So, Jesus.

[Mike]

I think I was very cavalier about that. And now I realize. And maybe it's mirroring that, but sometimes it's. It's. You see something. I'm also watching this mountain climbing documentary And I kind of went to bed last night having watched that, and that's in Yosemite. And it probably triggered something like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I gotta get one of those hats because when I'm in the kitchen, my wife does a thing called credit carding me. Do you know what a credit card is? She swipes it, takes her thumb, starts at my. From behind me, starts at my taint strip and goes right up the crack really fast. And then she laughs. And I need that hat while I'm doing the dishes.

[Mike]

So it's fun for her. The hat should be wide eyed. It should be like really shocked and surprised. Wide eyes. All right, so listen to this. The mountain lion was eventually tranquilized by a biologist. It was first spotted around 8am Prowling around the city, far from its native environment in the hills. It was later seed seen hiding in the bushes of a home near 14th street in Montana. And it ended up sleeping in someone's backyard. Video from the scene shows that at one point the mountain lion ran into an alley and where officials were waiting with what appeared to be tranquilizer guns. Police blocked the alley with caution tape and multiple streets in the area were closed while the operation was ongoing. Residents were told to keep their pets indoors. They were able to strike the animal with at least one of the darts and waited for the animal to fall asleep. And shortly before 7, they were seen carrying the mountain lion into the back of a pickup truck successfully after tranquilizing the animal.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And.

[Mike]

And coincidentally, this is exactly Spencer Pratt's plan for the homeless in L. A. That's, that's his platform. That is what he is going to do with the homeless. Tranquilize them and put them on a flatbed and who knows, probably put a monitor on them so they can't get back in the city and take them to the hills.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, take. Take them to Venice Beach. That's what Santa Monica does. They shove all the homeless down to Venice.

[Mike]

Well, this is L. A. Maybe he'll put them in Santa Monica because, you know, I can't vote. You can. I can't vote for the mayor race because Santa Monica's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's. You're not the city of la. Right, Right. Well, this does not bode well for the furry fest next week at the Santa Monica Civic Center.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's going to be exciting. I might go because of it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God. Yes. The. The cops think there's a panda bear going down this 3rd Street Prominade. They got to take him out.

[Mike]

All right, you got the ethical question. This week.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ethical question this week.

[Mike]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. You've got a friend who has had a, a life altering tragedy in their life, and they are beyond repair. They're so depressed and they decide to drink themselves to death. Death. Do you, do you allow them or do you force them into some kind of a treatment program? Or do you. Or do you accept that they're just euthanizing themselves?

[Mike]

Well, I think I've joined a lot of my friends and we seem to be drinking ourselves to death. It's a slow. We're not ambitious about it. We're on a very slow schedule.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm noticing an uptick in you guys all drinking and, and taking drugs.

[Mike]

I might blame myself for that because when I'm off from work, which I don't know the next time, I mean, I kind of have a gig now, but it's remote. When I'm off for work, I am looking for fun and it turns out everyone is up for fun. But yeah, I think I'm gonna start drinking less or my new thing, which is fun, is I'm gonna start making weak drinks. That's the key, I think, like a tequila soda with very little tequila. Because it's not really about. I'm always like, why didn't I stay at drink two level is the, is the sweet spot. Two drinks is the sweet spot for me. And then it's like, why did I add eight more? So, yeah, I know I'd have to get in. I couldn't just be passive about that. If it was a real, a real like leaving Las Vegas or wherever the hell the name of that movie was. Drinking yourself to death on purpose or basically on purpose. I try, you know, you can't make. They have to do it as, you know, so. But I would try.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, no. The question is, would you make them, Would you forcibly drag them away, put them in and guard them while they're there? Or would you just say guard them while they're there?

[Mike]

Where, wait, where is the scenario?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They're at like an. In there at like an intake place, you know, rehab. And you literally, you know, the day, you don't even know when they're getting out. You have to, you have to stay nearby because they might break out.

[Mike]

Because they're going to drink themselves to death.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mike]

I mean, that takes a while.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm asking this, I'm asking this as a personal question.

[Mike]

I don't, I mean, if they're suicidal, but no one describes drinking themselves to death as suicidal.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I believe that if I started drinking again, I would be doing it because I wanted to drink myself to death. Such inefficient. Honestly, I. I know, but I feel like I would want to blow all my money on the way out. I'd want to have a lot of fun. I would want to do it like, if Aaron died, I think there's a decent chance I would drink.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. Thank God your kids don't listen to this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, they do know.

[Mike]

I'm sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they need. Well, that'll make them take care of their mother a little bit better.

[Mike]

I guess so. Yeah. So I kind of don't understand the question, but I would get involved. I don't know if I could force someone to stay in a thing. I mean, can I drink with them the first night out and see how it goes? Is there a game on?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, Well, I guess you kind of do feel like you're killing your. The morning after. It's toxic. I mean, alcohol is a toxin and you're poisoning, pouring it into your body day after day. And it's a horrible way to die. Kidney failure and, you know, it negatively

[Mike]

affects every cell in the human body. Well, every cell it interacts with. Bringing. Bring in the corrections.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, let's go to entertainment.

[Mike]

We're doing entertainment now. Here we go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

President Trump's America 250 celebrations on the National Mall will feature military demonstrations, a 110 foot Ferris wheel and a slew of performers who are questionable. Ready for this?

[Mike]

Is he gonna come out with 110 foot dollar bill now also? He should do it all.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mike]

All right, go ahead with the entertainment.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here's the lineup so far. And I, and I will qualify this after I read the names. Flo Rida, they're fun. Milli Vanilli, Martina McBride and Vanilla Ice will headline. Also, Young MC, CNC Music Factory, Morris Day and the Time. And Brett Michaels will also work. Here's the thing, as bad as that lineup is this week, almost all of them canceled.

[Mike]

I. I heard about that. I think Morris Day was like, what? We didn't know about this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God. And I thought like, well, first of all, didn't Millie die?

[Mike]

So now there's just something very complicated. But I. What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

One of them od.

[Mike]

So I had a. I saw an article mentioning Milli Vanilli and then I was trying to remember which one died. And of course they have real names. They're not Vanilli and Millie. And yeah, I'm like, oh, this. And then the article said, well, they had a. They had a spokesperson and I'm like, they've always had a spokesperson, they had a sing person. They've always been communicated for.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yes, yes. And I thought that since one of them died, maybe the other one can team up with Vanilla Ice and it

[Mike]

can be Milli, Vanilla Millie, Fluoride Ice. Like let's combine the whole thing

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

and then. Yeah. So it's just amazing when you think about the lineups. What is it about the Republicans getting talent for, for their shows? I mean, Kid Rock. Kid Rock hasn't been relevant in 20 years and he's always the main.

[Mike]

Where is he this time? Well, maybe now that Morris Day's got. I know, Squeeze in there. Yeah, no, it is, it's, it's, it's usually the worst. And like that is worth looking into. That is worth looking into.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Why? The right, generally, and I stand by this, generally has very few respected artists. I mean even if it's painters, whatever you wanted to look at, I. Comedians,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean there, there's a few conservative like, you know, neocon style comedians that are funny. There's, there's a couple. But for the most part it's, it's, it skews left the good comedians and

[Mike]

you know, even the punching up versus punching down, it does not fare well if you're on the right. And a lot of those right comedians do seem to punch down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Speaking of punching down, let's go to Florida.

[Mike]

Florida. Okay. I can't remember what story it is. Oh great. A Florida man is behind bars after deputies say he was found with his pants down outside a Palm Coast Taco Bell. All right. Well of course I'm like, how did this even make the news? Like a Florida guy outside a Taco Bell at night. Of course his pants are going to be down. He also had a live fish in his backpack. So yeah, my immediate thought was what is my stepbrother Jeff doing in Florida? Just before 1am Wednesday, employees at State Road 100, Taco Bell reported a man behaving suspiciously near a side door of the restaurant. You would think people would call when someone, there's someone here not acting suspiciously at 1am in Florida outside of Taco Bell, like that's the thing that would stand.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh yeah, no, it's, yeah, it's suspicious to be at a Taco Bell at 1:00am it just, just frisk Florida.

[Mike]

The saying should be if you see nothing, say something. When deputies with the Flagler County Sheriff's office arrived, 28 year old Brandon Irizarry, I like his name though, was still outside the business with his pants dropped, or as the authorities said, with his chimichanga out. This is how the authorities described it. He quickly began covering himself when law enforcement approached after his arrest. Deputies say they discovered a live beta fish in a plastic container inside his backpack. So I thought he tried to cover himself, like with a mackerel. You know, that's what I was thinking.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A live one, yes. And then somebody would say, holy mackerel. This is like, I mean, first of all, Taco Bell. Your pants are coming down after the meal one way or the other. Maybe somebody was in the bathroom, he had to go outside. But the pants, you undo your belt as you're eating that chimichanga. It's coming out fast.

[Mike]

All right, here we go. We're going on to make America. Nebraska again. Nebraska came to us from Brian over the email you sent me. But I had also found the story. It sounds familiar. I mean, it is saying it happened now, but. But we've covered a story like this before. So. Shortly after noon on Saturday, offers with the Scotts Bluff police department reported to shortstop. And after receiving report that they were there. After they received report that an individual had been shot by a BB gun while officers were on route. Updated in information indicated that the incident involved a shotgun. Upon arrival.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Little tweak, little tweak to the story.

[Mike]

Upon arrival, they located a truck with an attached camper. The passenger in a passenger side door panel of the vehicle had sustained damage consistent with a shotgun blast. Through the preliminary investigation, they determined that the owner of the truck had pulled into the convenience store to purchase merchandise. While the passenger of the truck was standing near the front passenger door, a dog in the back seat moved from one side of the vehicle to the other. During that movement, the dog triggered a shotgun that had a live shell in the chamber, causing the firearm to discharge.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The.

[Mike]

At the time of the discharge, another individual was stopped at the traffic light with her arm resting out the window, and a pellet from the shotgun blast struck her. Her injury was not believed to be life threatening, and a family member transported her to the hospital. So dogs, they're fighting back. You can't eat the cats and the dogs without the dogs shooting back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, and they're going big. You know, they're going big. They used to piss on the carpet. Now they're fucking shooting shotguns out the side of the. I mean, what, what the woman got. Oh, she just got one pellet. Okay, so she didn't get. She wasn't killed. But the dog sent the message. Maybe the lady had Maybe the lady that had her dog in the back without the windows down. And, and this, this dog was sending

[Mike]

a message, driving her on a truck. And it's loaded and ready. You just have to jostle the gun. You slam on your brakes, the gun flies across the car and shoots. It's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh my goodness, I wonder what he'll be charged with. I guess they not handling a firearm properly.

[Mike]

I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, there's a charge for that. Maybe. I don't know. It's Nebraska.

[Mike]

Maybe it's 10 to 15 years. That's a life sentence. I mean.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's a life sentence.

[Mike]

That's 70 to what? 105 years. All right. Yeah, we're going to do sports. All right. Joe Rogan expresses concerns with ufc White House event. The White House thing is odd. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of fighting outside at all. It's June and it's D.C. and we looked it up the last time, like last year, Same day was 100 degrees. That's hot as F. Yeah, the lights. How about dehydration? It's not just the heat that Joe Rogan is concerned about. I'm like, oh, good. Because do you see the picture? Anyway, it's all over online. Yeah. I mean, they're setting up this cage in front of the White House. So it's not just the heat he's concerned about. Oh, good. And then he goes, it's the bugs too. I thought it was going to be desecrating this sacred American institution.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's the bugs. Wasn't he the host of Fear Factor?

[Mike]

I just don't think that you should compete in a world championship fight in a non controlled environment. I think it should be inside an air conditioned arena. Is Joe telling this? Is he looking back and, and wishing that Ali. There was no Rumble in the Jungle. I mean, you know how many boxing matches have been outdoors? It should be a controlled environment. You wouldn't ask them to play a world championship basketball game outside in the sun. I think he, he very carefully avoided football and baseball and all sports except basketball, tennis. That would be crazy. You play in air, you play in an effing air conditioned arena. That's how it should, should be. Build an effing roof. Build a roof. You've got all the money in the world. Do they? I don't know. I think it's our money.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Apparently they do. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, I think when you're talking about two people that are getting in a ring and they're gonna kick each other in the balls and choke each other out. I don't think the temperature is really gonna factor in that much. Yeah, maybe don't. Maybe don't let them, like, you know, sit on your chest and continuously punch you in the face till you lose consciousness as opposed to getting the. The air conditioning.

[Mike]

They should golf inside. Why? I mean, there's wind, and don't forget the bugs. But maybe it is a factor in that. I mean, did you see that sinner lost in the French?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, no. Really?

[Mike]

Tape everything and watch it months later. I just spoiled it for you. I'm sorry. I. I've only.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I think Alcaraz is out injured, so this is.

[Mike]

I've only heard about it, so I might not have all the facts, but I think it was exhaustion or dehydration.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I. Dang. I know. It's been. It's been in the 90s.

[Mike]

You know, next week I am going to start talking about this drought. Uh, it's everywhere. And it is. I know we talked about Florida, Mexico. Now it is bad. And this woman I know the algorithm has figured out. I'll watch every video on if someone is walking around a dry lake. Apparently I watched the whole video because it is feeding me. So many people are filming from dry lakes, and they show you the before and after, and they. They walk to islands now. They like all these islands and lakes. You can just walk to them now. It's crazy. Yeah, it's gonna be a rough summer. All right, what are we. We're moving on to this day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I heard Ellen DeGeneres's vagina has gotten very dry. I don't know. It's. Is it the weather? Is it global warming?

[Mike]

Yeah. The algorithm knows you like that, right? So it sends you everything about her vagina.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right. That's right.

[Mike]

All right, let's walk around her vagina. Just reporting. You never used to be able to walk over there. Now you can. This day in history. Here we go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Instead. Instead of pubic hair, she's got a tumbleweed.

[Mike]

All right, here we go. So I don't know. The website now is only showing me one day. I have one day to choose from. It's not good. All right, here we go. Ready? The bald eagle was removed from the US List of endangered and threatened species, give or take four years. When do you think the bald eagle was removed from that list?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I feel like the 70s was a big, like, save the animals decade, and so I'm gonna say 77.

[Mike]

2007. Wow. In a boxing match for the heavyweight title, Mike Tyson was disqualified after he twice bit Evander Holyfield's ears. I remember exactly where I was when he did this, because I think I've told the story. I'll make it very short. I couldn't afford the pay per view. That's almost a clue with the time I. The pay per view was very expensive, but what they would do back in the day was they would, like, scramble the signal so the signal was scrambled. And occasionally you'd see a frame, like, you know, that was clear, but. But you could hear the audio. And I'm in West Hampton. I remember where I was, and I am listening. And they are not radio announcers, they are TV announcers. And all they kept screaming was, I can't believe what I just saw. Look at it. Play it again. Can you. Have you ever in your life seen something like this? Look at what he does. And I'm like, what's happening? All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Give or take three years.

[Mike]

When was this fight?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, I gotta go. Early 90s. I'll say 93, 97. Damn it.

[Mike]

All right, here's an interesting one. Canadian activist Terry Fox. I'm commenting on how. What. How this was written. Canadian activist Terry Fox, who, after losing part of one of his legs to cancer, attempted to run across the country to raise money for cancer, and he died. He died at 22. So I remember there was like, a movie about this, like, the movie of the week type thing. And so did he not make it? I mean, the whole country and world was kind of tuning into this. It was a very. You know, part of Forrest Gump was kind of based on this, like, so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, the real question is, did you. Do you have to pay on the. The fundraiser?

[Mike]

Right, yeah, sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think you got an hour, so.

[Mike]

All right, anyway. Terry Fox attempted to run across Canada in what year? Give or take 10 years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

1977.

[Mike]

I gave it to you. 1981.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There it is. It feels like the late 70s, early 80s. There was a lot of that kind of fundraiser stuff.

[Mike]

Okay. Stonewall in the riot. The famous. Famous. The gays. The famous riot. It was the. It was because of confrontations, violent ones, between police and gay rights activists outside the Stonewall Inn, a gay bar in New York City. And it's a landmark event because the riots helped launch the international gay rights movement, give or take five years. When were the Stonewall riots?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, the only gay movement I know is this one.

[Mike]

All right, so here's the weird thing, and I should be grateful. Your picture is Frozen for me. I don't know if it's my dumb WI fi.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's your dumb WI fi. I got up and I mimed out being Butt Fox.

[Mike]

Good Lord.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So that's the game.

[Mike]

I can't see you anymore, but audio is great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I would say the gays started that movement. Would have been how many years you give me?

[Mike]

5.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

1970.

[Mike]

More fun date bingo. 69. 1969.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There it is.

[Mike]

All right, let's go now. Okay. We got an obituary. You had an obituary. Jazz legend.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, well, there was. There was a jazz legend who, if you know anything about jazz, Sonny Rollins was. He was a saxophonist, and he really, like, he played. He's one of those guys that played with everybody. And he died at 95, which is.

[Mike]

I have to say, shamefully, I was like, part of it, as a lot of us are when deaths are announced. I was like, oh, my God. I kind of didn't know he was still around.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. So anyway, shout out to him. And then also, there was somebody else who died. Oh, this was crazy. Claude Lemieux, former Montreal Canadiens player, who came out. I was watching the playoffs. The Canadians are in the East Coast Conference finals right now, and they. They. He came out with a fucking torch three days before he committed suicide. Came out on the ice, big cheers, very happy. Bunch of other big Canadians were there. And. And then he went in the garage and fucking.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. Maybe he felt.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that crazy?

[Mike]

Like, that was a culminating thing in his life, you know, like. And who knows? I mean, I don't know what struggle he was going through. That. That's shocking.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, the Canadiens did lose that night, and. And it was to the. You know, it was to Carolina.

[Mike]

So you lost everything on call. She.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, dude, I've got a lot of money on the Knicks On. On Kalshee. I made the bet before the playoffs started, so I got, like, 10 to 1 odds on my money or something.

[Mike]

So.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike]

All right. You know, I think you can cash out, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm not cashing out. You think. You think the Knicks can be beat? They haven't lost the game. They've won the last 11 straight games.

[Mike]

Are they getting cold? But is game seven tonight?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Oh, game seven. I don't know.

[Mike]

Might be.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I think so. I think it is. Yeah. We're recording this, so, you know, on 30th.

[Mike]

All right, I'm gonna start with a. With. I'm gonna do a couple of. Of onions, but here was one because it's related kind of to my story earlier, and this shows a woman reading, and it goes respect for friend drops after reading book they recommended. Couldn't agree more. Couldn't agree more. Also, people who recommended James to me, I don't know if all of a sudden I've gotten smarter because I'm a reader again, but I agree with Aaron. I agree with Aaron, who said that we were very underwhelmed with James, which won all these awards. And I felt it was the gimmick kind of in the hook, which I won't tell you. Doesn't really. Didn't really do it for me. And same with Aaron.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, I misunderstood the joke. I thought that the person that read the book after it being recommended to her lost respect. So. All right, it's not.

[Mike]

Whoa, Jesus. That's what it is. Isn't that after reading Respect for a friend drops after reading a book they recommended? It's the woman with the book. It's like, that's me sitting there with stoner.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right? But you see how the way that sentence is written that you could. It could also be the recommender losing respect for the recommendee that she read it. Which didn't make me laugh because I didn't get it. Well, the pronoun is unclear.

[Mike]

Friend.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think, you know, it's transfer. I just don't think anything trans is funny.

[Mike]

All right, here's a better one. This one you'll understand. Here we go. Taylor Swift adds additional wedding dates in la, Miami and Boston. That's that one. Greg gets that one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice and sip. Right up the middle. That's the way I like them. And it's making fun of her. All right, so comedy caption contest happens every single week that I remember. And this past week, we gave you a picture of a gentleman on a. On a. On a chair, and he's got a cat in his lap. And however, the cat has its ass pressed against the guy's mouth and his head is down by his legs. His friend is at the refrigerator grabbing a couple beers, and the guy is talking to the guy. The guy with the cat's ass on his face is talking. You write down your little punchline. You mail it to fitzdogradiomail.com Put your name directly underneath. We will pick some finalists and read them, and the winner will be awarded a koozie. Do we have koozie?

[Mike]

I'll check. So it's conditional. I'm gonna check inventory.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Mike]

You know what's interesting about this? It's very smart. You would be like, how is he talking? Because the. His. His Mouth is being pressed with the cat's ass. And so the illustrator, though, well, of course, the thought bubble is above him, but you almost don't need it because he put a cigarette in the other guy's mouth. You know, that's kind of smart, but. All right, good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Jim Walsh says, dude, your bond tastes funny. I like that. Oh, a lot of good ones this week, Sean. Sean said, my face is not the litter box, but since you're here.

[Mike]

Okay,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

it's got kind of two little kicks to it. Rivers says, while you're up, can you hand me the tube? The tube of. I'm sorry, Rivers, I fucked that up. While you're up, can you hand me that tube of furball remover on the counter? Here's the thing. A punchline has to. It has to roll off the tongue. Say it out loud before you write it down. Stephen Mangram says, I want to answer your question, Jeff, but the cat has literally got.

[Mike]

I don't think he needed literally. The cat's got my tongue. That. That does it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep. Joel Bianco says, when you said you'd help me drown in pussy, this isn't what I had in mind. And then Jane S. Says, in theaters now, Litter Box, the human centipede 3. And then Kurt said, no, thanks, I don't drink. Disgusting habit.

[Mike]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then finally, Ron, who sent his punchline with little musical notes. So I guess I'm supposed to sing it. Cat Snatch Fever.

[Mike]

Snatch. Yeah. I mean, I think I like. I don't know. Your bong tastes funny. Is kind of. And I like the guy's face that it goes with.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it matches.

[Mike]

Yeah, I kind of like. Well, and also Cat. But he put in, literally, points taken away for that, for Stevens. I like Jim's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. I like that one a lot, too. I got to also say, I love catch. Snatch Fever. That's fun. It's good because, you know, at the end of the day, singing a punchline is always going to get a big laugh. So you're going with, dude, your bonk tastes funny.

[Mike]

And then we'll check inventory and see. And you're going to go with Cat Snatch Fever. All right. Two winners, boy. Two co. I mean, koozies. That's. Oh, that's. That's a tall order.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. All right, for next week, we've got kind of a classic. I'm giving you guys, like, a street joke premise, which is a fish sitting at a bar. It's that simple. It's a giant fish and there's a bartender looking at him and fish. I can't tell if he has a drink in front of him or not, but he's on a bar stool talking to the bartender.

[Mike]

Go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Good luck. I, I, I neglected to pull down a blondie and a hagger and a lot corns. I'm on the road. I'm a little bit jet lagged. My apologies. We'll get to those next week. In the meantime, we would like to thank the fine folks over at Gotham Productions, Matt Peters for doing a fantastic job producing the show. And then also we want to remind you guys, if you work at an office and you're dealing with communications among a group of people, try quo. That's quo. Q u o dot com. And put in slash papers. You're going to get 20% off your first six months. Okay, Mike, anything you want to promote?

[Mike]

Well, I haven't finished the Dark wizard yet, but so far it's so far so good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I am reading a great book that is called the Correspondence and it's all letters. It's where I was an English major in college and I remember that's a genre, it's called an epistolary novel and it's all told through letters and it's fucking fantastic.

[Mike]

Is that the device that's being used or. They're true letters.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it's a device being used. She both sends and receives letters and she's kind of like old school. She's in her 70s and she's not into email and she takes like an hour to every day and she composes letters and mails them to people and it tracks the most interpersonal feeling she has towards her children. And it's, it's just, it's really, really well written. All right, all right, thank you guys for listening. We'll catch you soon. Dang it.

[Poet or Introductory Narrator]

Life's ephemeral, thin as paper? Time goes up in a vapor? Life goes fast, time goes slow. So let's have fun and get on with the show. Hey, Mike, you got some paper? Let's see, Greg, I got a candy wrapper. Well, then give it a crinkle. Fall asleep under starlight's twinkle? Awake to the madness you've been rip ban winking? Grab a paper and make a crinkle? Life goes on over bumps and wrinkles?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Grab a paper and make it crinkle?

[Poet or Introductory Narrator]

You've got debt, you've got sorrow make it or break it until tomorrow. Life goes fast, time goes slow. We're one day to Monday, so on with the show. Hey, Mike, we got some paper. Yeah, let's see Greg off. I got some Monopoly money. How about some real money? No, Greg, you still owe me on that bet we made last month.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah?

[Poet or Introductory Narrator]

Well, then give that a crinkle. Life goes on over bumps and wrinkles Grab a paper and make a crinkle choose your news Real or fake can you digest it when the king serves cake? Crumple this paper into a ball make it your game when you hit a wall Our paths are fraught with bumps and wrinkles so let's have a laugh

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

and make it crinkle Sa.