Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike 6/21/2026 | Greg Fitzsimmons

Summary

Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike – Episode Summary (6/21/2026)

Overview

In this week’s episode, comedians Greg Fitzsimmons and Mike Gibbons deliver their trademark witty, irreverent take on current events, pop culture, and personal stories, all filtered through the absurd lens of the Sunday newspapers. The episode bounces from World Cup fever and American patriotism to failed comedy gigs, tech gripes, ethical dilemmas, and the tragicomic world of sports and entertainment. The banter is as biting as ever, punctuated by memorable stories, running gags, and grounded moments of genuine reflection.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. Physical Comedy and Fart Jokes (02:00–03:10)

• The show opens with playful ribbing about "physical comedy on a podcast," with Mike wielding a "travel mic" as a prop.
• Fart humor segues into digestive health, probiotics, and Greg’s battle with giardia and hemorrhoids.
  • Notable quote: "Nothing better than that—I may fart later."
    (Greg, 02:04)

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2. World Cup, Patriotism, and Groupthink (03:12–06:32)

• Greg questions the authenticity behind massive U.S. soccer fandom during the World Cup.
  • "Why are these people jumping up and down...about a team they can’t name more than two players on?"
    (Greg, 03:47)
• Discussion on whether sports fan unity reflects actual national unity, as opposed to political and moral consensus—”the only thing we can agree on.”
• Mike jokes about the international dimension of fandom and nationalism, poking at Argentina and Japan.
• Political asides about recent U.S. and Iran news, regime change, and crowd behavior.

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3. Documentaries: Jeff Buckley & Maternal Instinct (06:50–08:56, 24:36–25:19)

• Mike finally watches the Jeff Buckley documentary (Netflix), remarking on unseen footage and Buckley’s struggles.
  • "His voice is...angelic...it’s really classical almost."
    (Mike, 08:56)
• Greg urges listeners to experience Buckley’s album "Grace" with “two hits of a joint” and headphones.
• Both plan to discuss Netflix's "Maternal Instinct" documentary next episode.

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4. Upcoming Gigs & New York Stories (09:45–16:27)

• Greg shares a packed schedule: Comedy Cellar, podcasts with Louie CK, Mark Norman, and Tank Sinatra, and a Hamptons show for "billionaire friends." Greg expresses discomfort among the ultra-rich.
• Mike shares observations about NYC subway etiquette, the unique humor of New Yorkers, and quick-witted street exchanges:
  • "[Preacher on the street:] 'Being saved is not as complicated as you think.' [Passerby:] 'It’s already complicated.'"
    (Mike, 14:15)
• Reminiscing about eccentric NYC personalities and street roasters.

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5. Comedy Horror Story: Reno Gig & Onstage Emergency (16:28–21:10)

• Greg recounts a disastrous stand-up show at a game meat convention in Reno—full of stuffed animals, an indifferent audience, weird meat, and a woman collapsing mid-set.
  • "Now I’m the guy that gets to say, ‘Is there a doctor in the house?’...I walked off that stage like I was getting out of a cold plunge."
    (Greg, 19:01)
• Ultimately, he salvaged the gig with crowd work and MC-style feel-good lines.

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6. Technology Gripes: Microsoft & Subscriptions (22:13–24:30)

• Both vent about the nightmare of cancelling Microsoft subscriptions and the confusing world of corporate video meeting software.
  • "I spent like an hour and a half...using ChatGPT to help me. Could not cancel the Microsoft subscription."
    (Greg, 23:33)

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7. Feet Pics for the World Cup: The Gig Economy Goes Wild (34:19–36:31)

• News story: A woman paid for her World Cup trip by selling foot pictures on FeetFinder.
  • "Honestly, this is kind of heartwarming."
    (Greg, 35:29)
• Wordplay: "The account should be called FIFA," notes Mike (35:48).
• Discussion slides into comedic takes on fan culture, Norwegian hammer toes, and the economics of online hustle.

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8. Trump’s Algae-Filled Reflecting Pool (36:32–39:20)

• Satirical lament about the failed attempt to dye the D.C. Reflecting Pool blue for the 250th anniversary—now infamously algae-green.
  • "It’s supposed to be blue like the American flag...It is green like the Iranian flag."
    (Greg, 38:09)
• Jabs at Trump’s no-bid contract with (ironically named) "Green" construction company.

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9. Robot Toilets, Uyghurs, and Gallows Humor (39:31–41:37)

• The duo lampoons China’s new "self-driving robot toilets," with Mike taking a darker turn by referencing human rights abuses against Uyghurs.
  • "It’s kind of like a Roomba running right up your roompa."
    (Mike, 39:38)

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10. The Titanic Sub Implosion & Self-Destruction (41:53–45:34)

• Discussion of OceanGate’s sub disaster veers into gallows humor.
  • "The slush in the shoeboxes had low intelligence—one of the factors that caused [the accident]."
    (Mike, 43:05)
• Greg debates whether he'd rather "implode or explode."
  • "With an explosion, there’s a sort of celebration of your life."
    (Greg, 45:34)

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11. Trump’s White House Mess—Literally (45:44–47:07)

• Reports that staff monitored Trump’s trash due to his habit of tossing out high-end silverware and leaving food wrappers everywhere.
  • "He’s not on the keto diet—he’s on the Frito diet."
    (Greg, 46:29)

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12. Ethical Dilemmas (47:09–53:33)

• Comedy ethics: Should relatives laugh at a nephew's stand-up that roasts grandma?
  • Greg: "You should always talk your kid out of doing stand-up comedy for a living."
• Parenting: Should you tell another parent if their tween is a "mean girl"? Both note that the odds are the mean girl’s parent will not take it well.
• Childhood pranks: Greg reveals his daughter gave her friends permanent tattoos at age 12.
  • "The parents got very upset with us..."
    (Greg, 53:16)

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13. Headline Grab Bag: Make America Florida, Kentucky, and More

- Feet, DUIs, & Tattoos (57:44–61:20)

• Florida Man: Arrested with 34 open White Claws at 90mph (58:22).
• Kentucky Woman: Arrested for tattooing a toddler (60:17).
• Jokes about the dangers of male babysitters versus amateur tattoos.

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14. Sports, Pride Night, and Gay Baseball Uniforms (61:21–63:38)

• York Revolution (minor league baseball) forfeits Pride Night game after players refuse to wear rainbow uniforms.
  • Greg: "Baseball’s gay."
    (62:02)
• More jokes on the fine print of Pride promotions and retro Astros uniforms.

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15. This Day in History (64:02–72:19)

• Greg and Mike quiz each other on dates for NBA titles, James Gandolfini's death, Father’s/Mother’s Day origins, blues legend Howlin’ Wolf, Lizzie Borden, and "Jaws."
• Running joke: Greg always guesses at the very edge of the correct range.
  • "As far away as you can be and still being right..."
    (Mike, 72:08)

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16. Obituaries: Legendary TV Director James Burrows & Comic Tom Dreesen (72:36–82:26)

• Mike shares his touching connection to TV icon James Burrows (Cheers, Taxi, Friends), including stories about pilot production and creative battles with networks.
  • "If they [the network execs] knew what they were talking about, they wouldn’t even have time for this—they’d have hits on the air."
    (James Burrows via Mike, 77:43)
• Greg eulogizes comedian Tom Dreesen—Johnny Carson regular and Frank Sinatra’s longtime opener—as the epitome of comedic professionalism and kindness.
  • "He was a jukebox of great street jokes...a gentleman and just a sweet, nurturing guy to young comics."
    (Greg, 80:17)

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17. The Funnies: Comedy Caption Contest & Comic Strips (84:13–91:41)

• Winners of last week’s Penis Thought Bubble cartoon contest named (shoutout to Jay Donahue, Adam Copeland, Kelly Holmes).
• Run through Hagar the Horrible, The Lockhorns, and a raunchy dissection of Blondie.
  • Ongoing gags about sexual innuendo and the excesses of comic-strip anatomy.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On U.S. Soccer Fandom:
  "We can’t agree that we all deserve health coverage, but we can agree that these 11 guys that we don’t know should beat other countries in soccer."
  (Greg, 05:37)

• On Feet Pics Hustle:
  "No influencer following, no professional photography...just a Feet Finder account, a smartphone, and consistent uploads."
  (Mike, 34:19)

• On Tragedy & Survival Instincts:
  "With an explosion, there’s a sort of celebration of your life."
  (Greg, 45:34)

• On Generational Shifts in Comedy:
  "You should always talk your kid out of doing stand-up comedy for a living."
  (Greg, 47:41)

• On Network Notes in TV Pilots:
  "Why don’t we put name tags on them, Julie?"
  (James Burrows via Mike, 77:43)

• On Tom Dreeson’s Legacy:
  "He was a guy who you just—ended his life with dignity...still doing it right up until the end and didn’t need to, just loved it."
  (Greg, 82:26)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Physical Comedy/Opener: 02:00–03:10
• World Cup & Patriotism: 03:12–06:32
• Jeff Buckley & Docs: 06:50–08:56, 24:36–25:19
• NYC Stories: 12:40–16:27
• Reno Comedy Horror Story: 16:28–21:10
• Microsoft/Tech Rant: 22:13–24:30
• Feet Finder Story: 34:19–36:31
• Reflecting Pool Fiasco: 36:32–39:20
• Robot Toilets/Uyghurs: 39:31–41:37
• Titanic Sub Implosion: 41:53–45:34
• Ethical Questions: 47:09–53:33
• Florida/Kentucky Stories: 57:44–61:20
• Pride Night Forfeit: 61:21–63:38
• History Quiz: 64:02–72:19
• Obituaries: 72:36–82:26
• Funnies/Comic Strips: 84:13–91:41

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Conclusion

This episode features a wide-ranging blend of sharp news commentary, comedic confessionals, and reflective moments commemorating icons of both sports and showbiz. If you missed this week, you missed stories about an onstage medical emergency, the political farce of patriotic symbolism gone wrong, the economics of feet, and why you should never let your child pursue stand-up.

Takeaway:
Prepare for irreverence, absurdity, and the unexpected—Sunday Papers remains the perfect hangover cure for news-fatigued listeners seeking both laughter and a little wisdom.

Transcript

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Mike Birbiglia]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hey, Meta, tell me what kind of dessert this is. That's a Stroopwafel, a Dutch waffle with spiced syrup in the middle. Is it sweet? Yes. Perfect for a snack or dessert. Mmm, delicious.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Get answers on the go without interrupting your flow. Ray Ban Metta Iconic Style meets Meta AI. Available at Walmart and other authorized retailers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Read all about it.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Read all about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sunday papers.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, Greg. I got mic technique out the wazoo. Look at me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, look at you.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Two mic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, why do you have. Why do you have two mics? Oh, there you go.

[Mike Birbiglia]

This is my travel mic. It's a prop. It was a little physical comedy on a podcast. I think that's underutilized.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nothing better than that I may fart later.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Is that. I guess that's physical comedy. But people see your farts. Is that how bad they are?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know if my life has gotten bad and sluggish, but you don't

[Mike Birbiglia]

have to finish the question.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Brings me so much joy. Like a good.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It always has. Isn't that how. I mean, we're gonna lose people. The algorithm should clock us, by the way. I wonder if the algorithm cancels us if it hears us say the word algorithm. Probably right. It's like, oh, they're talking. They did something wrong. But anyway, what I was gonna say is it should kick us off for. Isn't that how you got hemorrhoids

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

yes.

[Mike Birbiglia]

By how much you enjoy farting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I had giardia, so there was an excess of gas. And I also had. I started taking probiotics, which cured my farting.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So it's a work in progress.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Okay. It cured your farting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hey, how about that World Cup?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Hey, buddy. We were at your house. I. I thought I solved your Internet issues with the tv, the new tv. But we watched USA beat Australia. Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Annihilate Australia.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I don't know if annihilate is in the equation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, but it was.

[Mike Birbiglia]

People were really.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, it's one of those things.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I'm not into it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I'm not. I'm not into. I mean, that's the thing about. When you see crowds cheering for the U.S. soccer team is like. All right, I get it if you're. When I used to watch my son play soccer when he was 12, and they went from last place one year to three years later winning the league, I was joyously cheering for a very organic reason. But why are these people jumping up and down and pumping their fists about a team they can't name more than two players on?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Are you talking about me joining the Knicks bandwagon?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, yeah, but, I mean, they seem genuinely like they are feeling joyful and excited and. Is it the love of the country or is it just being in a group of people that's all cheering together and it's contagious.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I think it's about race. I think it's about racial superiority. Yes, for Argentina, it is. They are the biggest snobs on planet Earth.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The Argentinians are the Japanese.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Last week in New York, I heard a great quote, which is someone said. Anyway, I've never. In this moment. And it was a particularly bad news day for Washington. And it might have also been when we learned that Iran is. Is being forced, I believe, to sleep and stay in Mexico because they're not welcome in the United States. The Iranian soccer team. So they were like, I've never felt prouder to be a New Yorker and more embarrassed to be an American.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, well.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And I thought that was interesting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It is weird when you hear people chanting USA because it stands for United States of America. And there is nothing. This country, other than the Civil War, has never been less united. So what do I, as a group, Is this the one thing we can agree on? We can't agree that child molestation files should come to light. We can't agree that we all deserve health coverage, but we can agree that these 11 guys that we don't know should beat other countries in soccer.

[Mike Birbiglia]

We can agree that we wiped out all of Iran's nuclear capability. As our leader told us a few months ago.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We can't agree that we have done a regime change in a country when in fact the regime is now more hard. Right. Than it was before.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah. Never mind going without congressional approval and killing a leader and a school full

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

of good little girls. All right, let's keep it light. Did you, in fact, this is a three week long story. Did Mike Gibbons finally watch the Jeff Buckley documentary?

[Mike Birbiglia]

So I watched, I watched it last night and, oh, congratulations.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The ending was fucking great, wasn't it?

[Mike Birbiglia]

No spoilers. I am almost done. But it was late last night and I started to feel I was getting tired. But listen, I did not realize how much because I really did. I think I'm like five minutes from the end. I did not realize how much footage there was of him, like, even of that tour. And, and then, you know, put it this way, I think I'm close because he is already having tremendous difficulty with the sophomore album. He's holed up in an apartment and it's not going well, and he's exploring. Now his. Is it bipolar ness or.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, he is bipolar. And, oh, no, I don't know about that.

[Mike Birbiglia]

But there's definitely manic depression. They played the Hendrix song even. Well, this is fascinating.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This doesn't ruin the ending, but he, he dies, Right?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Okay. All right. Here's something I don't want to ruin. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If you're in Memphis. If you're in Memphis, Tennessee, and I'm not saying whether he killed himself or not, but don't go to Memphis if you're even ruminating about suicide.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah. Like, for instance, you know, I always knew he died singing a whole lot of love. I like, I didn't know he met Paige and Plant and that they engaged and that Plant called him the best new singer alive. And like, I didn't know any of that stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

By the way, just for background, if anybody hasn't seen this Jeff Buckley document, I believe it's on Netflix. Watch it. And also just sit. Oh, take two hits of a joint. HBO headphones. Oh, put on some headphones and listen to Grace. Jeff Buckley's. He's got two albums. The second one is okay, but, but the first one is kind of.

[Mike Birbiglia]

There's amazing singing, though, in this documentary. You just really do hear how, like, I, I, I should have a better word, but like, church, like, his voices, because it's not a choir. It's like Angelic you know, it's really classical almost. But. But as they. As they alluded to, I will never get the. I believe it's the Indian singer or Pakistani singer who he worshiped. And I should know the guy's name. And then of course, Jonas.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nasif Ali Khan. I think that's his name. Something like that.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And obviously there's Led Zeppelin there, but the other one is. I'll get it now, but. All right, go ahead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, so listen to the album and watch the documentary, whatever. What else? I got a big week coming up. I'm coming to New York. If anybody wants to come out and see me do stand up there. I will be at the Comedy Cellar on Tuesday and Wednesday night. And then I'm gonna be. I got a bunch of good podcasts. I'm doing interviews with Louis ck, I'm doing one with Joe List, I'm doing with Mark Norman, and I'm doing one with a guy named Tank Sinatra, who, if you've never heard of, he's the

[Mike Birbiglia]

best mean guy in the office.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's awesome.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, no, he's really funny and self deprecating. I like him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So. And then I'm going out to the Hamptons to my friend's 60th birthday party, where I will perform comedy for him and his billionaire friends and family. He's. He's a good friend. He's. He's one of the greatest. One of the greatest guys I know. Real character. But it'll be weird being in the Hamptons. I'm not. I'm not a fan of the Hamptons. I don't like. I don't like when a lot of rich people get together. I like them one on one.

[Mike Birbiglia]

No, it's very. I tend to feel resentful.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you spent a lot of time out there because your dad. Your dad had a house out there.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, we were in the poor Hampton. West Hampton, but. And it's also the closest, which I did like, but, boy, you go out there in the offseason, go in the fall. The Gulf Stream is at its closest. The water's beautiful. All the idiots are gone. Like, technically, the summer shares are over and, and, and, you know, the, The. The fall has started in New York, and so you're out there alone. It's so great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it's beautiful.

[Mike Birbiglia]

So speaking of New York, I was, I was just. I remembered. Hold on. I remembered the Knicks, the buzz, the euphoria, the unbelievable benevolence. Everybody's feeling hugs from strangers. So I'm riding that so high as I talked about last week. And then I'm trying to take the subway out to jfk and then the subway connects at one crucial point and I'm trying, you know, and I have a deadline and making my flight. And these mother and daughter are walking and they're just chatting with their oversized suitcases dragging behind them and they're, they're like abreast blocking. And then they get to the stairs and I just was like, get out of the way. Like I just wanted to push them down the stairs. Yes, I wanted to push them down the stairs because I would try to pass them and it was like they were weaving. It was like a hidden camera show against me and all my patients. I'm like, everyone's an idiot. Well, I guess is French a race. That's what they were, those bastards.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I can't believe. All right, another quick New York day. Does that take like two hours?

[Mike Birbiglia]

No, it's. No, it's way faster. Really faster. It's great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, I'm gonna try it on

[Mike Birbiglia]

this 40, 44 minutes something. Oh, and you. And from LaGuardia. It's even obvious it's faster. It's great. So anyway, the, like when I, yeah, I got into, I, I landed. I had to get to the first Knicks game when I landed or whatever that was. All right, so quick, quick New York story that's not about the Knicks. I think it was. Neil Brennan was like, I think at one point I'll probably slaughter this. But Neil Brennan I think said the average black guy on the street in New York is funnier than any white stand up comedian who's just starting something like that. And so anyway, I'm walking across the street in Brooklyn near the Barclays center and we're walking across and we're coming up to a corner. We're in the middle of the street, we're coming up to a corner and there's a guy there screaming and he has a bluetooth on his chest and he's screaming into a microphone. Religious stuff. And we're getting closer and all of a sudden the booming voice is like. And he's like, being saved is not as complicated as you think on one level. And the black guy goes, it's already complicated.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he just keeps walking. Just a passing comment.

[Mike Birbiglia]

We. I'm going to put, I'm like, we're walking like next to it. We did not break stride. And, and he saw me die laughing, which I wanted the religious guy to see, but it was so quick and put the religious guy like stopped him he didn't even. Like, he didn't finish that sentence. I think he waited past him. But it was so perfect. On one level, it's already complicated. It was great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I went from.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And I told you last time. Oh, sorry, go ahead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, go ahead.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Last time, the quick one. But I told this a couple of years ago. I'm crossing the street again with this black guy. I'm crossing the street and this guy. We kind of were late on it, and the guy started honking because we were right in front of his car. So I immediately pick up. You know, I do the trot. You know, like, oh, sorry, I do the trot. The black guy stops and just faces the car and goes, easy. You're in a Mazda. It was so great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, if you.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Why can't I be that guy?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Have you ever seen the guy? I think he's Latino and he's in Brooklyn. And he. He stands there on the sidewalk and as people walk by, he goes, don't disrespect me. With the. With the U2 haircut from 1987. You ever see that guy? And he fucking roasts people. He's got this thick New York accent and. And almost everybody laughs once in a while. People yell at him, but he's huge, so nobody fucks with him. And. And I. All right, I'm gonna. I gotta list his handle next time because it's one of the funniest things on the Internet,

[Mike Birbiglia]

all right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You hear? And it ends with you here. Don't. Don't disrespect me. With the, with the, with the, with the twin jackets that look like Woody Allen and blah, blah, blah. You hear?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Check them out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, so I leave New York. You and I were in New York together at the Knicks with the one that fucking Trump Sabotage and the one game we lost. And then I flew to Reno and I did a private show for a group of people that are into game. Hunting it and eating it. And so I walk into this Reno ballroom at this giant casino in Reno, and it's huge. And there's a stage set up and there is table set up, but it only occupies about a third of the space, which if you're. You want to talk about the dynamics of stand up comedy, the smaller the room, the more packed together people are, the better. This is the exact opposite. There are stuffed grizzly bears on the perimeter, there are lions. There's all these different. And there's a buffet that's got rabbit, it's got rattlesnake meatballs, it's got. It's fucking. These people are crazy, and they're all kind of older, and it's like a lot of women with pearls, and everybody looks like they got bust in from the Midwest, and I'm told to be clean, and. And I'm watching, and there's a. There's a band on ahead of me, and they're like a casino band. They're like a wedding band. And they play covers, and, you know, they're playing, like, Earth, Wind, and Fire. Do you remember? And, like, songs that you go like, all right, everybody should be on their feet right now. You know, you're at a fucking convention. They're not even tapping their toes. It is dead in there. And so they're like, all right, you're on in 10 minutes. So I'm trying to put some jokes together. I've been working on the set the whole flight out there, and I walk on stage, and I go, just saw the buffet. It's good to be here at ground zero of the new pandemic. I said, this is, like, wuhan in here. And, like, nothing. I got, like, five minutes on this meat thing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. And so I'm dying, and all I'm thinking, I got to do an hour, and I got to stay clean. And I mean. And so then all of a sudden, this guy comes running up to the stage, and he goes, a woman is down. We need a doctor. And I look to my right, and this woman in a red dress, face down on the ground, and I'm literally the guy.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah. No, no. She was. She was joking. And so.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Possums in a blanket. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who knew there were bones in possums? And so now I'm the guy that gets to say, is there a doctor in the house? I literally said, is there a doctor in the house? And somebody jumped up, and they ran over. And then I said, well, this looks like a tough situation. I think we're in good hands. Let's all sit tight. I'm gonna take a minute here and let the situation resolve itself. And then I walked off that stage, dude, it felt like I was getting out of a cold plunge. The relief, every fiber of my body when I stepped off that stage after two minutes, was so thankful. And so it goes on for, like, 10 minutes. They're working on it. There's a crowd of people. And then the guy comes over, and he goes, all right, let's get you back on stage. I'm like, what? I said, she's still being worked on. Everybody's Looking at her. And he. And I go, I think we should wait until this situation. And he's like, okay, we'll wait longer. So 20 minutes goes by, 25 minutes go. And the whole time I'm just like wrapping my head around this. And they told me that the room had a hard out at 9 o' clock and now it's like 9. It's like 8:40. And I'm like, oh, I get fucking mail this in with 20 minutes. And then he comes over and he goes, good news and good news, she's doing better. And they extended our clothes time in the room. You can do the full hour. So I walk back on stage and I go, whatever you do, people don't eat the rattlesnake meatballs. And. And I did some jokes about what just happened, but I mostly did like the feel good MC thing of like, how about a hand for everybody that helped out. How about. And meanwhile, the woman walks back to her seat and is now watching the show. So, yeah, eating. So I'm talking to her and then the human resources woman is drunk and she's in the front row and I'm f. Anyway, I saved it. I saved it. I had actually a very good set and. And I walked out of there feeling like, all right, after 35 years, I kind of know what I'm doing.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's like, how can you get an even deader reaction out of this crowd? Just ask, is there a doctor in the house? Silence. How about this? Has anyone in the house been to a doctor? Yeah. Wait, Greg, I want to interrupt because I'm talking over you more than usual because you're not. You're. I'm delayed to you, I think. Is anything. Is anything open on your laptop like Chrome or Safari at the same time? Do one of those checks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, let me do a check. I'm going to quit that. I'm going to quit that. Yeah, I'm going to quit Spotify.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, come here you go. You're already clearer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, and you just got louder. I'm not kidding.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, good. Oh, all right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's a totally different broadcast now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look at us now that everybody's tuned out during my story.

[Mike Birbiglia]

All right, are we done with. What's canceling Microsoft, bro?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I've. There was this deal online. What's that website that always gives you good technolog technology info? Well, they are all Asian, so they probably know a little bit about tech.

[Mike Birbiglia]

A lot of tech guys are on that website. I can. I think I can very truthfully say that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, all right, well, whatever. It's, whatever it's called, I got it.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Cnet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, not cnet. Maybe Mashable or something. Okay, so anyway, I get a tip that you can buy. You know how Microsoft now works where you pay an annual fee of $150.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Did you know that I hate Microsoft? All right, so go ahead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I, so I'm so pissed off I gotta pay that. And then I see this ad on this whatever it is, seen it and that you can buy Microsoft Word. Now, it's only good for the life of the computer that you're on, but it's $39 for as long as that computer, like you can't transfer. You know, with Microsoft, you can transfer. So I buy it and then I go to my Microsoft account to cancel it. Good luck. I commend anybody that can work through a Microsoft. They make it impossible. I spent like an hour and a half. I was using ChatGPT to help me. Could not cancel Microsoft subscription.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, man. Yeah, I had a meeting recently and I didn't see till like 5 minutes or less before the meeting. I thought it was a zoom. And all of a sudden I see, I'm like, wait, what is this link? Oh, it's Microsoft Groups, which I had never heard of. And I'm like, okay, so you go on, you're like, oh, your Microsoft subscription. Blah, blah, blah. I won't even. The most frustrating labyrinth of things. Of course I was five minutes late. I'm texting them. I am so sorry. I did not know. This is Microsoft Groups. Apparently they phased out Microsoft Groups or the one I have, blah, blah, blah. And they were like this. Don't you don't worry. This happens to everyone we have a meeting with. But their company forces them to use Microsoft Groups.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep. I've been in the same situation. Microsoft Groups sucks.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, I don't even like Google, whatever theirs is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And Bill Gates was on Epstein's Island. So if you need more reasons to cancel.

[Mike Birbiglia]

All right. Before we get the show started, I have one. Yeah, you talked. You talked about a spoiler alert with Jeff Buckley. I'm not going to say a lot about this. It's the number one show on Netflix, so this is probably old news, but it's been out about a week.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Special.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yes, and spoiled. Lots to spoil there, actually. And anyway, it's called maternal instinct. It's 90 minute documentary. It's not a series, it's a one off documentary. And just don't. I can tell you it's on Netflix. So you don't have to google it to see where it's playing. You shouldn't see any spoilers. Just watch this documentary called Maternal Instinct.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And we could talk about it next week.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So it's not a series, it's just one episode.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's it. I'm actually thinking of having you in, Aaron. We could watch it in the car, ride out to Palm Springs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right. We're going tonight. We played golf this morning and then you came over for soccer. And now we're going to drive to Palm Springs tonight with Aaron, which is about two hours away. And then tomorrow we're gonna sit at a pool where it is exactly 100 degrees right now. And then we're gonna go see Bob Dylan and Lucinda Williams perform at a near empty stadium in Palm Springs.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I hope the stage has a ramp for both of them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I hope they have an EMT squad for both of them.

[Mike Birbiglia]

But I saw Lucinda Williams recently in a. Poor thing, she can't play guitar anymore. But oh, man, her voice is still great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She's one of my favorites. Oh, my God, she's so. She's literally the reason why I started listening to country music. Even though she's technically alt country, she was the gateway for me to start listening to other country musicians.

[Mike Birbiglia]

She's incredible, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Alrighty, what do we got?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Our logo this week is from Jane S. Who is a superstar for this show. Always giving us great stuff. Stuff. It is the breakfast usually. I know. Why am I always the woman? The song is from Rabbit. B. Bil sent me some songs. He says he had sent them before

[Mike Birbiglia]

and somehow re song was great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So great.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And the first person. The first person mentioned in the song is Gubbins.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Well, that. That's how you know he wrote it a long time ago.

[Mike Birbiglia]

All right. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Corrections. We got a slew so. Hi Grid, this is from Jane. Hi, Greg. FYI, all today's this Day in History occurred on March 1st. I know someone born March 1st who shares Bieber's birthday. The other listed items also show as March 1st. Don't misunderstand. I'm glad Mike didn't recognize this. June 14th in history that forced upon us birth of America's orange faced atrocity. Good call, Mike. What do you you read March 1st this day in history. What's that?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Maybe it's like in my browser history. So let me look at this. Let me. I'm looking at this day in history now. Oh, no, it's the right date. Okay. All right, so I don't know what happened?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Very strange. Then we got still worked. This is from Dan. Big fan. I just wanted to submit a correction in regards to your latest podcast with Bobby Kelly. All right. This is my other podcast, but I'm still gonna read it. Irish people were never slaves. Some were indentured laborers. This gets mentioned a lot. Not just by you, but making this claim is not only inaccurate, but minimizes the enormity slavery. I don't want to sound like a Karen, but every time I hear this, it bothers me. Thanks for all the laughs. A loyal listener, Dan. Dan.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's a pretty big distinction. I like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that is a good distinction.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Slight one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I'll say one thing. The Irish are not slaves to fashion.

[Mike Birbiglia]

They're just. Are they just indentured to bad fashion?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, they are. All right, let's get back to it. Let me pull up my script here. I lost my script. All right, then we're gonna get to more corrections. Dan and Nick said you played a song my brother and I made this week. You referred to us as father and son in the past with one of our earlier songs. I think you referred to us as a couple. We are brothers, not father and son, and not gay lovers. Thanks, Dan and Nick from London and Atlanta.

[Mike Birbiglia]

We're all brothers, bro. I don't know. That note sounds pretty gay, so father and son gay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But thank you, guys. They really make good songs, too. I hope they get together more. I think that Dan visits Nick Atlanta, and then they make songs when he's there. So maybe at some point we're gonna buy you a. I'll use my frequent flyer miles and fly you to Atlanta. Delta, baby. And then we got one from Fletcher Alexson, who says, I live in Brooklyn and have for 12 years. Originally from Minneapolis. My friend who is from Pleasantville, New York, says that no one says, take it Eash. He says, they say, take it East. Oh, yeah. Let's take our. Our urban lingo from a guy in Pleasantville.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The tough streets of Pleasantville.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah. Is she for you to say, buddy?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Why don't you take it ish.

[Mike Birbiglia]

We're going with each other.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then this one came from a guy named Matt Peters who said, greg, you keep sending me stuff to me. Last week it was some loser complaining about YouTube music. This week, you share the show notes with me. Though it was tempting to fuck with them, I decided I better not. Which he could have, because it's a Google Doc and he could have logged in. I'm not your producer. I'm Another Matt Peters, just a fan who sent in some bad caption ideas. You must have typed in Matt Peters in the email and picked up the wrong guy.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, that's great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, so I got. And the worst thing is I send a lot of dick pics to producer Matt Peters.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Of course. Of course. Well, he's begging for them. Like, we have to hit a quota every week.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, eventually when I get to know him better, it's going to be feet picks as well.

[Mike Birbiglia]

We're going to get to feed picks one of our stories.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, good teaser. Also want to want to tease some dates. Just announced oxnard levity live July 11th, Huntington beach at Mamba, July 12th, Pittsburgh Improv just announced. I will be there July 24th and 25th. Then Cincinnati, Columbus, Vancouver. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets, come out and say hello. Also, shout out to Matt Peters and the fine folks at Gotham Production Studios who do an amazing job. Thank you. And we also want to thank Quo for sponsoring the show. Spelled Q U O. You know what drives us together.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, drives me crazy, Mike. When you call a business and nobody knows what's going on, you talk to one person, you get sent to another person, they don't know what the first person said. And suddenly it's like you've entered witness protection.

[Mike Birbiglia]

You know, you call and you try to tell this organization, I think you did the reflecting pool too quickly. And you also did a no bid contract, which is unprecedented. And I think you should have gotten bids and vetted the companies and, oh, it's a friend of yours. Oh, okay. So you could trust him, right? Oh, is the, is the, is the pain already chipping? And all these calls come in with people telling you that you're obviously doing it wrong, but you lose track of all the calls.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And all the other bids. Like there were multiple bids, but they only, I guess, got one. So anyway, nobody can find the message. And I deal with this all the time, like, you know, trying to call contractors or customer service. And it's like you just want a simple question answered. And that's why Quo exists. Quo lets your entire team handle calls and texts from one shared business number. Everybody seems to say sees the same conversation history. Everybody knows what's been said, and customers aren't stuck repeating themselves over and over again. And it's not just a phone system. Quo uses AI to automatically log calls, create summaries, and flag follow ups so things don't fall through the cracks. It can even handle after hours responses. So your business keeps working when you're not. Whether you're a one person operation or you've got a growing team, Quo works right from your phone or computer. You can keep your existing number, add teammates in minutes and connect it to the tools you're already using. More than 90,000 businesses trust Quo and it's the number one rated business business phone system on G2 with over 3,000 views. Look, money's on the line. Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com papers. That's Q U O.com papers. Can I get a crinkle?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Here we go. Time for the front page. That's a bag. Someone liked the crinkle last week it was a bagel bag in New York. Okay, well, the bagel bags are better in New York than la. LA has very bad bagel bags. That's been well established. Okay, front page. Most people assume you need years of saving to attend the FIFA World Cup. But one woman found another way. A few months before the 2026 FIFA World cup, she started posting content on Feet Finder. No influencer. No influencer following. No professional photography, no expensive equipment. Just a feat Finder account. A smartphone and it can end consistent uploads. Her first month on Feet finder brought her $2,000. Then she kept going. By month four, she had earned more than $12,000, enough to cover World cup tickets for her and her husband and to make the experience a reality. And so they have picture on the account where they are Argentina fans. And her nails are all colored, painted in the Argentinian colors.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean this, honestly, this is kind of heartwarming. And then the beers, I guess at the stadium were $22. So she blew the concession guy.

[Mike Birbiglia]

So found a way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She, she is somebody who is not afraid to use her feminine wiles for her husband's gain.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I saw one of the comments under this story was that the account should be called FIFA, which I thought was nice. That's good word play.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I guess she wore flip flops of the game and she got recognized by a guy in the seat next to them.

[Mike Birbiglia]

The most popular girlfriend who's rooting for Norway. She sold pics and the key was she has a hammer toe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why Norwegian women have hammer toes?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Well, I think it's the isn't Thor, nor is it like Hammer of the Gods.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That would be a great superhero. A woman, a Norwegian woman with a hammer tail.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, Hammer of the Gods.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's get to Trump's.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Trump's reflecting pool. Makeover has become an algae abyss, an analysis of satellite data by the Washington Post shows. And the Washington Post keep in mind is run by his good buddy that the pool has more algae this June than in the previous five years. June is naturally a tough month for algae since the single cell organisms thr warm weather. But the pool is having its worst June, despite Trump's promise to paint its basin so that it looks American flag blue. For America's 250th anniversary this 4th of July, USA. The pool looks pretty gross at the moment, even as the workers pour nowhere near enough bleach in the 6.75 million gallon feature to kill the algae. But now it looks also like the pain isn't holding up either. Multiple videos show what looks like blue paint peeling in the heat. If the President was hoping for a beautiful White House and National mall for the 250th celebration, the clock is ticking. The big pool is green, and the east wing of the White House, home to the Future Ballroom, maybe is a construction site. And while the claw structure from the UFC event is being dismantled this week, the White House South Lawn is still torn up. It will take at least $700,000 to resode the lawn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, well, it's supposed to be blue like the American flag. And here's the big irony. It is green like the Iranian flag.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

The National Park Service awarded the $1.7 million contract to what has turned out to be an ironically named green, and they bypass the competitive bidding process normally required by federal work. The New York Times reported the company is led by Republican donor and Mar a Lago neighbor John Caffaro, whom Trump once called a fantastic man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, look, it's a, you know, the good news is it's a no bid job he actually didn't give to Jared Kushner. So this is, you know, some progress.

[Mike Birbiglia]

What is the likelihood of this reverse Midas touch being seemingly undefeated? Like, yeah, we're not even going to talk about the Iran deal, which is the lead story this week. But he goes to one Nick game and messes it all up for everybody. And the Knicks, it's the only game they lost in over a month. Yeah, and the only one they lost against San Antonio. And then like the, the war, just every, every. The pool, everything he's doing is just ridiculous and backfiring massively.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but at least if, if you have a problem with it, you can get on your Trump phone and call into the White House. Oh, wait, no, those never went out after a year. Oh.

[Mike Birbiglia]

China has unveiled a self driving robot toilet that rolls up to your bed. This is the words they use, handles the job, and then returns to its dock to clean itself. It's kind of like a Roomba running right up your roompa. Unlike a standard smart toilet, this Ziabon, I think it's called, is designed to move around a home on its own. Users can reportedly summon it with a remote or voice command, shit time. Allowing the robot to drive itself to their base.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think you summon it by farting. If it's a low rumbly fart, there's something in the chamber. It.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Don't push it though. Greg, you're going to need another intervention with the roids. The device is aimed at elderly users and people with reduced mobility, giving them a way to use the bathroom without needing to walk to a toilet or rely as heavily on caregivers. However, folks online have already started joking that extreme gamers will also make use of the toilet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You kidding me? The Super Bowl? There's going to be 12 of those in a guy's living room during the Super Bowl.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, it's not going to last because AI is smart enough to eventually figure out that every time it gets summoned, it's going to get shit on.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Well, I did read more about this story and it turns out the robots that you shit on in China and you just at your beck and call, they're called Uyghurs. Those are the Turkic speaking Muslim minority that is completely abused in China.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Abused? They are incarcerated. Like literally. It is ethnic cleansing. They are taking the. All the Muslim. And these are, these are, go back generations. These are Chinese, you know, citizens.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I'm shocked China's not using them as toilets, little toilets that run around your house.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They use them as workers. They put them in these fucking work farms, these concentration camps. It's. It's unbelievable.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Millions of them. Literally. Fitz, fact me, over a million people are really concentration camps. Yes, I know.

[Mike Birbiglia]

They're in the northwest of China, right? I don't know that that region's called.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But speaking of tragedies, the family and friends of the victims of the Titan sub implosion. I guess it's an implosion. Have finally learned what led their loved ones to die after some saw their remains returned as, quote, slush in shoeboxes. Jesus. Oh. Three years ago, a team of five people died in the Oceangate submersible as it headed down below the surface to study the wreckage of the Titanic. Around 90 minutes into the journey, the vessel imploded and killed. Everyone on board with an investigation now finally ruling exactly what caused it. Following years of allegations and worrying findings which included the OceanGate CEO Stockton Rush firing a pilot for raising safety concerns.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, I saw that documentary.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think they found out that they ruled that it was God. Oh yeah, he saw sub of billionaires. The same God who made Luigi kill that drug CEO and who made Wemby pass the ball into Castle's back costing the spurs game four all the same God.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Well they also analyzed the slush in the shoeboxes and found low intelligence was one of the factors that caused.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Not only the disaster but it caused passengers. It caused them to be there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you're saying climbing into like a 1950s looking Star Trek sub with extension cords on it was a bad idea?

[Mike Birbiglia]

I don't know. Going down to the Titanic, you know, listen, even Cameron, James Cameron, he went down there in the most high tech sub and all that. We would all be judging him the same way if his imploded. Like in other words, what are you doing going to the bottom of the ocean that depth.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

When can go unmanned.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

So yeah, I don't know. I think you're re risking a lot same with going to space. Like I don't know why those gals didn't explode when they went to space in their rocket for all of nine minutes or whatever it was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Would you rather implode or explode?

[Mike Birbiglia]

I don't and my uneducated guess is I'd rather explode. I feel like pressure. I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think I'd rather explode. There's a chance you'd get shot out and land. Like I remember watching.

[Mike Birbiglia]

There's a chance you'd get shot out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Like I remember watching the old like Coyote and the Roadrunner and sometimes okay, Acme capsule that the Roadrunner was in would fall off a canyon and before it hit the ground it would explode and he would get shot up providing him a graceful landing on the ground.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I see. Sorry. For a minute I didn't think you knew what you were talking about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, good.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I don't know but it's like the it we've all felt pressure inside. Both are extremely painful. And man, the first, I guess for a slight millisecond you would feel it on your eardrums either way and, and then I. It's so fast especially I mean at that depth and if you're in space I think it happens so instantly and

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

if you're on camera at least with an explosion there's a Sort of a celebration of your life.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, okay. Yeah, that's, that's a fair point.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

White House staff began monitoring President Trump's trash because he was throwing out high end silverware. The president's alleged snacking habit also meant staff had to monitor his bedroom mess, which included food wrappers being left on the floor. Trump's alleged living arrangements were revealed in the upcoming book Regime Change Inside the Imperial Presidency of Donald Trump. Quote, the president would frequently leave an array of empty potato chip bags, Starbucks wrappers, and ice cream cartons in the trash or on the floor. The staff began monitoring the trash after it was discovered he was sometimes throwing out White House sterling silver utensils. He's not on the keto diet. He's on the Frito diet.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Is that what it is?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Actually, he's on the pito diet.

[Mike Birbiglia]

How do you eat a Big Mac with silverware? That's what I'm wondering.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's like the guy that eats pizza with a knife and fork.

[Mike Birbiglia]

He's. And by the way, those are disposable for him. He's, he's, you know, he's the monopoly rich man. That's what he is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What a diet. He, he must the out of Melania.

[Mike Birbiglia]

He probably has a single use toilet also. Throw that out. Throw that out. I peed in it. It's disgusting. I peed in it this morning. Throw it out. Replace it. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, it's time to get ethical.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Here we go. We're good. We got.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We do the ethical question.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That is a strong crinkle. All right, I like this one for you. You ready?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, let's do it.

[Mike Birbiglia]

My nephew's comedy routine skewers his grandma. Should the adults be laughing? And then the subtitle. My brother even shared a video of the bit in the family group chat. I can click on it and see what they say, but you start answering.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, I'll answer it. And then we'll, we'll circle back and you can talk about your stepbrother, Jeff. I think that. I think you should always talk your kid out of doing stand up comedy for a living. So I would not encourage him. If one of my kids started doing stand up, I would pay people to go and heckle them to get them to quit the business. It's not a life even in success, it's not a life anybody should aspire to live.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, man, this is the worst article ever. It doesn't give the example. It just said that and exaggerated. He exaggerated her into a foolish caricature. And that's it. He borrowed some real traits. So I thought it was going to be like something a little juicier than that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now get that kid out of the business. Yeah, do my favor. Do his. Do his wife a favor, do his kids a favor.

[Mike Birbiglia]

So wait, why would I be talking about Jeff?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, because your stepmom was incredibly encouraging of Jeff's career and I think single handedly kept it going longer than it might have gone.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, Jeff had. You know, they're called bringers, right? Where you, you can't do stand up in a club unless you bring 10 people who are going to pay the COVID and buy drinks and stuff like that. So they're called bringers. So Jeff had worn out his welcome with every soul he knew. So his mom would make and force friends to come see her stepbrother. So this is an elitist crowd of generally WASPy, pretty tight upper east side rich white people who would come and Jeff's just talking about cunts the whole time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And about her. He would shit on her. Yes. And you know what?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, and masturbation. Most of his material is about masturbation and like, literally like you do with your left hand so it feels like a stranger. Like, you know, all those. Probably so much of it unoriginal. But he would be doing all of this masturbation humor and she would laugh

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

at all of it and smile. She loved it. Yeah, to her credit, it was, she was very supportive.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And then Jeff was really funny about Jeff. Jeff goes, can I tell you so, mom, first off, Even in his 40s and still Tay, he's like, so mommy brought her friends to my stand up last night. He calls her mommy. Which, which, which, which makes my two daughters. It's the hardest I've ever seen my two daughters laugh in their life, so. Exactly. So mommy, Mommy, mommy brought her friends. And so one of mommy's friends comes up to me after the show and he goes, is this not the worst compliment? And he does a quote sign, like, compliment you've ever heard. All they say to me, they've watched me do 15 minutes of stand up comedy and they come up and they're like, you are so brave.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like it was a dare. Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah. Like, how do you like that? That to us it seemed like you were like wrestling an alligator or snake, something so dangero. And you barely. You kind of pull it off.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Like you're really hurt, but you're not dead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. He's. He's solving crime and he's getting hurt in the process.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Struggling comedians.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you have something else to say about Jeff?

[Mike Birbiglia]

I was going to read another ethical question.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, please. Okay,

[Mike Birbiglia]

let's see here. All right, let's do this one. My tween daughter's friend is a mean girl. Should I tell her mother? We know people or maybe even you guys have had experience with this? We. We did. In a really early year. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I mean, I would have said

[Mike Birbiglia]

she wasn't a tween, though. It was younger. And I think that makes it easier to tell.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, Formed. I just, I think that the odds that that girl's mother is not going to be a mean woman.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's what happened.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right? That's why I wouldn't do it.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's what happened. I think we literally even got back. Like, well, maybe you should ask your daughter what she did. Like, it was like, what? Yeah, like we've. We're kind of a representative of other kids parents in the class right now, bringing this up to you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, my. My daughter was not a mean girl. She's a very nice girl, but she was also a very crazy girl. And she got together with two of her friends, and I don't know how she got it. I think she ordered it through the mail and it got past us and she tattooed her two friends. And did I ever tell you this?

[Mike Birbiglia]

What does tattoo mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tattooed, got a tattoo penny. And put a permanent tattoo on two of her friends when they were about 12.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I had no idea.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you're lucky your daughter was not hanging out with JoJo that day. And the parents got very upset with us.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, I'd say. Did they force Jojo to add stuff to the swastika so it wasn't as obvious?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, she made a box out of it. Four square box out of it.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, my God, dude, that's crazy. Wait, maybe it was you guys we talked to and it was Aaron who shot back that Sophie deserved the tattoo. Oh, my God. All right, let's get to entertainment.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here we go. Okay,

[Mike Birbiglia]

You found this story.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Even though he's close to your heart. Comedian Carlos Menci was taken into custody earlier this week on a dozen felony charges for failing to report or pay taxes on more than $8 million in earnings. The DA says that the arrest happened. He referred to the charges against the 58 year old as one of California's biggest tax scoff laws. Uh, he owes more than $300,000 in state taxes, uh, but that doesn't include federal taxes. So he was arrested at his home. $250,000 bail. Um, six felony counts. And if convicted, he could face a maximum sentence of more than 11 years behind bars. He would also be required to pay the full tax bills, including interest that could nearly double the total amount. That's a lot of fucking headshots to sell after the show, Carlos.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Well, once again, he's stealing great comedians material. Richard Pryor did this. Richard Pryor, it turns out, was spent. I didn't know. I don't remember this. 10 days in jail in 1974 for failing to file his tax returns. Mincy has also stolen this material from Chris Tucker, who was owed. He owed 12 million in back taxes. He eventually reached a settlement with the irs. So here he is again, stealing the moves of better comedians.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, full disclosure, Mike, you were the head writer on his Comedy Central show, and did you get any sense at that time that he was a scofflaw attack scofflaw?

[Mike Birbiglia]

No. I mean, I know he didn't love the government, but. No. And I was, I was one of the showrunners on the last season. This is not on my resume of the mind Demencia. I was kind of brought in as part of an effort to save the show, which was a huge hit in like especially season two and three, maybe, and then four was very problematic, I guess I kind of. And I had never watched it. And then anyway, mission very unaccomplished and. But he did love talking about money a lot and was killing it. And this was probably 2000. I mean, you could look it up. I don't know when that season was seven or eight maybe and, or six or seven. And he viewed his Comedy Central show. He didn't care even that it wasn't doing well. He viewed it as this, I'm quoting him as an infomercial for his tour dates, meaning it was a half hour commercial that was on Comedy Central that raised awareness of his brand, his name and all of that. And they would. And people would go. He'd sell out stadiums.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He was selling out 15,000 seat arenas. Yeah, regularly. And now I'm not making this up. I will be playing a club in Wichita, Kansas, and his picture will be up on the wall coming next week.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Well, not if he's in custody, right? All right. We're going to make America. Florida, here we go. I don't have the picture here, but I don't know if they just made it based on the description, but it was pretty great. Florida man found with 34 open white claw cans on passenger seat during traffic stop. I don't even know if I have to read Anymore that's like just so perfectly Florida.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

White Claw is malt liquor. That's what I would try to explain to my girls. They have no idea what malt liquor is. So they're like, that sounds kind of fun. That vehicle, a Honda Civic, was traveling in more than 90 miles an hour when it passed the trooper. A civic going 90. Do you know how much noise those empty white clock hands must have been making? The trooper was able to perform a traffic stop and said the driver was heavily intoxicated. In addition, 34 of the white clock hands were found on the passenger seat of his vehicle. The driver was identified as Connor William parody, 34 years old, because by the

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

way, he is a parody of a Florida man.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Now, it said he's 34, from San Antonio. Now there's a very good chance Florida has a San Antonio. But I would love it if he was washing down all the, all the sorrow he was feeling from Wemby and the other San Antonio Spurs. But he was arrested and charged with dui. He was brought to the jail with a blood alcohol level of 0.117.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's pretty low for 34 White Claws.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I don't know, they go right through you. But that's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, the good 34 is a lot. That's a lot. That's. I mean, is White Claw. When you say it's like malt liquor, is it a stronger alcohol level than a regular beer or drink?

[Mike Birbiglia]

I think it's around a beer and, you know, less than a wine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, he's going to be able to pay his lawyer's fees from the endorsement money that he gets from, from White Claw and Honda. Because he got a Civic to go 90 miles per hour.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah. Safely. Honda's like, we like this story.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

So it's such a, like a steady, reliable drive that even this guy can do it. Okay. We are going to make America. Kentucky again. There's another one where I don't really need to read beyond the headline. 27 year old Brooke McDaniel was taken into custody after being accused of giving a toddler a tattoo. This is a little close to home for you, Greg. Yeah. Authorities responded to a residence in Columbia, Kentucky on Monday after receiving a child abuse complaint. Upon arriving at the scene, law enforcement encountered McDaniel and asked if she had given a 22 month old a tattoo on their arm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, look, in his defense, he heard the law was that you had to be 21. He didn't know that was years.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Well, I think it's a woman.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, Is a woman a Brook? I don't know. Is Brooke a woman? Yeah, I guess it is.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I don't know. Again, if you're hiring a male babysitter, it may go worse than this. Generally, I'm thinking.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right.

[Mike Birbiglia]

The last thing I do is hire a male babysitter.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Then. Then she'll end up giving herself tattoos. When she gets older,

[Mike Birbiglia]

it would be, I want to know what the tattoo is. That's the thing. And it did. I searched. It did not show. Apparently her excuse was, I didn't put this in there. The toddler's arm got in the way. It's like, how. How far away is the needle from your arm that a toddler is slipping their arm in between it and your arm?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Well, it's probably the least dangerous needle that could have gone into that kid's arm.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Right. That's the other thing. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, let's get to sports.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Here's sports. All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Minor League baseball's York Revolution in Pennsylvania declined to play its Pride Night game Thursday after players refused to wear uniforms that featured a rainbow design. The Revolutions game against the Blue Crabs was to have marked the team's 11th annual Pride Night, and it will go down as a forfeit. The GM said that fewer than nine players on the 28 man roster, the minimum needed to fill out a lineup card, were willing to play in Thursday nights uniforms. Baseball's gay.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's. That's literally what you have written here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Say it ain't so, Joe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you tag the bag?

[Mike Birbiglia]

I guess nine men weren't out. Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

In their defense, they were told they. The. The gay pride thing they took. They went a little hard with it, I think, because in their defense, they were told the batter had to face the catcher while he's squatting. Yeah. They said the dugouts would have strobe lights and instead of cups, you had to wear a cock ring. And you have to tag the guy on his cock and the umpire would have to fuck the catcher in the ass. Like, there was a lot of this fine print about Gay Pride Night.

[Mike Birbiglia]

How many did it. Did it say? Oh, fewer than nine. Yeah. That's a perfect joke. Eight men out. There were only eight men out, by the way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Speaking of gay, have you seen the Houston Astros uniforms? Like the straight guys on the Astros? What they were. Look at the picture. I put it underneath.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's great. Yeah, it's so 70s and horrible.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's. It's like tangerine going into sherbert, going into cherry, and it's all Horizontal stripes.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, across their bellies. Baseball, especially of that era and golf of that era would be the two worst sports to put horizontal stripes around the midsection of those quote athletes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it's not slimming, honey.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It is not slimming. That's our effeminate voices. Not another way to describe those voices. All right, where are we going? Where are we going? Yeah, we are. Here we go. Hold on. Oh, crinkle. All right. This day in history. I got the right day, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Although it's SA Friday today, so. The Cleveland Cavaliers, led by star LeBron James, defeated the Golden State warriors in a thrilling Game 7 to claim the franchise's first NBA title. What? They're not giving me the goddamn year.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm gonna guess, but he went from Cleveland down to Miami, won a championship down there, then came back to Cleveland to get them a trophy. He did. And then came to the Lakers. So he came to the Lakers, I'm guessing.

[Mike Birbiglia]

But wait, I didn't give you a range. This stupid fucking. They keep changing the format of this. They haven't. So here we go. I'm going to put in here. So. All right, go ahead. You guess your year. I'm looking up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Give me a range.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, I know. Okay. Three years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm going to say 2019. The year before the. What they call it the bubble that they played in.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, my God. I gave you three years. Yeah, it was 2016.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice. There we go, baby.

[Mike Birbiglia]

The joy you feel on being as far away as possible from accurate.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Three years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tight rage. Tight rage.

[Mike Birbiglia]

All right, I'm going to give you. I'm going to be generous on this. I'm going to give you three years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Mike Birbiglia]

American actor James Gandolfini died of a heart attack while vacationing in Rome. What? Give or take. What I say, three years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean tight.

[Mike Birbiglia]

What do you mean, tight? This is Gandolfini.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Gandolfini. Let's see. He made a movie. All right, three years. I'm gonna say it was in the seven to eight years ago. I'm gonna say eight more like. So let's say 2018.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Right? That's what I thought. So you missed it. It's 2013. I cannot believe it's over 10 years ago. Oh, shit. Damn. That's the fastest 13 years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Ever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You see, his son did the.

[Mike Birbiglia]

The.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The movie. The Sopranos movie.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Hold on, thirteen. So we are the same distance from his death as we are to when the Sopranos premiered. I just did the math.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, wow.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Well, almost. Sopranos premiered in 1999.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, that's.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's inconceivable to me. Yeah, I know his whole life as we knew him. Assuming you did not know about him until you saw him in the Sopranos, which was. I know he was in other things, but that's the first time I saw him. So his whole existence in my world, my awareness of him is the same distance from when he died to. From when he died to now. That's crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Think about the Sopranos. How culture, a cultural shift in TV with Sopranos, how important that show was, how incredible the characters were. And then you think about who had a career after that series. Edie Falco is the only one who ever worked again. Like significantly worked again.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh yeah, like with another big award winning role and stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I mean, Gandolfini did like a couple movies that were awful. None of the kids careers took off.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All the other Italian guys. Yeah, they did a bit parts, Scorsese movies after that.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Okay. The first Father's Day was celebrated in Spokane, Washington on this day or Sunday, I guess. Yeah. In this date though. In what year? Give or take 20 years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Feels like a Hallmark holiday. Hallmark probably came out in the teens, so I'll say 1918.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Look at you, kid. 1910.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Mike Birbiglia]

When do you think the first Mother's Day was? That's what I'm looking up right now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that had to be first. I would say.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm gonna give you a range even though it's not on this date. Oh boy. Oh God. It's telling me like the advice on your first Mother's Day. No. Ever? You fuck. First Mother's Day. It's your first Mother's Day. Here's what you should do. Shut up. Oh my God. It keeps telling me about breakfast in bed. How about in history? All right, go ahead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's the year I'm going to say? Well, if Father's Day was 19, would you say 1918. I'm going to say Mother's Day.

[Mike Birbiglia]

19.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

1910. So Mother's Day happened before it. Obviously they saw it was a hit so they wanted to follow it up. So I would say 1906.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Dude, such good logic. 1908.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep. There we go.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Okay, let's see here. We got Lou Gehrig. I don't think you're going to do well on that. We're going down to. Yeah, would you have a guess? Someone Howlin Wolf was born.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Howlin Wolf?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Sure, give or take 10 years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, Howlin Wolf, big blues guy. He did play with the stones at one point. So he must have been alive in the 70s or late 60s. 60s. So he would have been. I'm gonna say he was born in 1900.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I gave you 10 years. 1910. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Right on the perimeter of every range. I don't know. Did he play with the Stones? I know, of course. Yeah, yeah, maybe buddy guy, too. Okay. Lizzie Borden is acquitted of murder. On this day, in what year? This is. The Massachusetts jury acquitted Lizzie Borden of murder. She was accused of killing her 70 year old father and 64 year old stepmother in the home they shared. And there was incredible, incredibly gruesome details. So anyway, Lizzie Borden, famous Boston lady, give or take 25 years. When was Lizzie born and acquitted her murder?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I feel like it was late 19th century because it was so sort of like mythical in this country. I'm gonna say 1875.

[Mike Birbiglia]

A very good logic. Again, Gregorian. It was 1893.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I mean, you're still far away.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How many years did you give me?

[Mike Birbiglia]

25, I think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, I got it.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, I know, I know. All right, we're gonna, we're gonna end on this one. Steven Spielberg's summer thriller. Talk about a piece of film or TV that changed everything. Like the Sopranos. Although, you know, I do think that what's. What's David Lynch's Twin Peaks was the real game changer in tv. But anyway, Steven Spielberg's thriller Jaw was released in theaters on this weekend. In what year? Give or take one year?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

1976.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I gave that to you. It's 1975.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice, nice.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Here again. As far away as you can be and still being right. Yeah, yeah. That's what you love. That's your sweet spot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's it.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's why you love getting Ds in school.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You love getting career. It's my career. I'm playing Wichita, Kansas with, With. With Carlos Mencia.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, I'm not with Brigazzi at the fucking Staples Center.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Are we going to the Orbit?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's do the obit.

[Mike Birbiglia]

All right. I gotta look him up. But I know personally, somebody who meant

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

something to you as a man.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah. And I've talked about a podcast before. So I get a call. I. I wrote. I wrote a. I know it sounds like a long story. It's gonna be short, but I. I wrote a spec script. I wrote a script. An original sitcom based on it was kind of like a positive spin on divorce. And anyway, one day the F and in CBS paid me to do that because I pitched them, and they really liked it. And I didn't know what they were feeling exactly about the last draft I handed in. And then the phone rings and I answer, and it's like, guys, this. I'm like, yeah, this is Mike. And it's like, hey, Mike, it's James Burroughs. So I go, get the fuck out of here. And so. Because I thought it was one of you guys, because my friends know how much, like, especially Taxi and then everything we grew up on. I mean, he created Cheers, and I was the doorman at Cheers at Boston University in Boston while I was at BU for like, two years. And, like, anyway, so many of the shows this guy has done, I just loved. And he was calling me to tell me he read my script and he wanted to direct it, and that's what happened. And he directed. And I am new. I'm so naive. I had never been over on kind of what's called the scripted side of my business, even though Late Night is obviously scripted. And he really protected me. And a couple of stories about how he protected me were. So you just get dumb notes all the time from networks, right? So we're on the floor, we're shooting the pilot, and they come flying out, the two women, and they're like, you know, you didn't say Julie's name again. And by the way, we're in, like, the. The last two scenes or three scenes, and you didn't say the name again. You know, I think we have to remind people of their names. And then he. I'm about to say, yes, of course, of course we'll shoot the scene again. And he puts his hand on my chest, like, kind of saying, like, you know, get behind me. And he goes, why don't we put name tags on them, Julie? And I'm just like, oh, my God, no. Like, please don't. Please don't do that. Please don't do that. I want them to pick this up. And as they're cowering away from him, he's like, why don't we chyron their names in post? And I'm just like, oh, my God. And. And before that, there was. We. We did a giant, basically press conference. And it was a table read, but, like, so every department was there because, you know, PR was there. Publicity, advertise, everything, including props, everybody. And it was like an auditorium, and it looked like a press conference of, like, a band announcing their world tour. Like, everyone has the name tags in front of them on the. The place cards on the table. And anyway, we read through it, they come up and they have a million notes. And he's just. I hear him like. Like I hear him groaning next to me as they have almost every page earmarked with notes on every page. And then we finish, and as they're leaving, he makes sure that these four women who are leaving are still in the room. And we're alone now with them. And it's. But it's an auditorium. They're leaving. And he loud enough goes, mike, you know, they don't know what they're talking about, right? If. If they did, they wouldn't even have the time for this. They'd have hits on the air. Anyway. Here, I'll read a little the New York Times to catch you guys up. I am not understating this when I say he is the Steven Spielberg of sitcoms, especially the, you know, the live audience sitcom so beloved by actors. He helped to create Cheers and directed more than 1,000 episodes of hit shows like Taxi, Friends and the Big Bang Theory. And he's a New Yorker. He started in New York. His dad was in theater, but he started on the Mary Tyler Moore show, the Bob Newhart Show, Taxi, Frasier, Friends, Big Bang Theory. It goes. Everything that that guy did, who did Big Bang Theory, Mom, Two and a Half Men, all of those young Sheldon, everything. So you can look them up on your own, like for all the credits. But he had a hand in everything. One of the reasons he liked mine the most is we. And this is taking credit away from me, which I feel I can't wait to do, actually. But one of the reasons I can explain why he took such a liking to my script was he also knew we were. We couldn't get a great cast, so we had a cast door. You know the comedian Jim Doer. Yeah, I wanted to say Jim. Jim Doer as well.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not Jim Dore.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I know it's Canadian, and I'm just spacing on his name. I fucking love this guy. We had a great cast, but they were all unknowns. And so in success, he would get so much credit, which is exactly what happened on Friends. No one knew a soul on Friends, and he brought them all together and created these superstars. And. And so that's what he also wanted to do here. And then he and I really hit it off. And I'd see him throughout the years. I'd go to help, like, people writing again. Pilots he was doing, he did like three or four pilots every year. And if. If more than one went, he'd picked the one, I think, oh, Will and Grace. He legendarily directed every single one of those. But it goes on and on. It's. It's. It's crazy how much he directed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, rest in peace. What a guy.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah. Unbelievable, no? So cool. And he has a million footy. Oh, by the way, he has a memoir. You should listen to his memoir. His stories about Taxi and the craziness with Latke, and they're really just amazing. And then he walks you through, like, famous episodes from all the sitcoms he did. And like he said, the hardest he ever heard a live audience laugh was the Taxi episode where Jim is cheating on his driver's test. And what does a yellow light mean? And they whisper over him because they don't want to get caught cheating. Slow down. So Jim's like, what does yellow. And just go, YouTube that scene. It's hysterical. And that's the hardest that he's ever heard an audience.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's amazing.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Also, I gotta also mention a friend of mine who died, Tom Dreeson. Did you know he died?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, I saw that. Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. So he was a great comic, a legendary craftsman, open for sinatra for, like, 30 years all around the world. He was like his main opening act. And he was just a guy that would, you know, still showed up at the Comedy Store and the Laugh Factory. And he'd wear a crisp suit and his hair was perfect. He was a fucking silver fox. And he just. His jokes were impeccable, his timing. Every comic learned from watching Tom Dreeson about how to command a room, how to use physicality, how to have tempo, how to have elocution. He was just a gentleman and just a sweet, nurturing guy to young comics. And he'd been sick for a while, so he just passed a couple days ago.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And I want to credit. It's John Doerr. But you said Jimmy Dore, and it got it for me. It's so close, but John Doerr, great Canadian comedian. Go check out his stuff. One thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's not dead, by the way. He's not dead.

[Mike Birbiglia]

He's not dead. But one thing on. Wait, who were you just talking about? Dreeson. Jeff, I think Jeff Ross went to see him in the hospital. I'm now recalling this, and Jeff told me. No, I went to see him. It was great. And I was like, the last few days, I guess, maybe. And his family was there, and Jeff, I guess, knows his family. And when he walked in, Dreeson, like, kind of, like, lit up, and it was great having a visitor, but then was talking about, like, Jeff would be like, oh, my God. No, I just. You know, I lie. I just wanted to come. And I loved you since, you know, I saw. I'm making this up now, but it was some detail, like, since I saw you that time, of course. He's like, do you know, they gave me the light a minute early and they knew. And he started to tell Jeff. And the family is just looking in disbelief at the recall and the sharp memories from a comedy night 60 years ago.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And it was so, like. It's just like that. That meant so much to you. Know what I mean? Like, that is so ingrained that another, like, craftsman walked in the room, and after years of honing your craft, he remembered, like, when, like. And I think it was something like that. They. They accidentally gave them the light too early or something. And you knew every detail.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He was. He is an example of how every comedian would like to go into the sunset in their career. You know, he belonged to Lakeside Country Club. I've saw him playing golf out there about 10 times in my life. Drove a clean Cadillac, you know, and told you street jokes. Like, he was a fucking jukebox of great street jokes. And. And he was a guy who you just ended his life with dignity. You know, he was still doing it right up until the end and didn't need to. Just loved it, you know?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah. And, you know, I worked with him once. He. When Kilbourne left the Late Late show and we were looking for the replacement, all this. Everybody. In fact, I even hosted a night. It was crazy. They gave me one. But Letterman really wanted Dreeson to do a couple of nights. I think it was a couple of nights. And so we produced Dreeson. Treason. Got to sit, like, in Kilbourne's office. And this is before Craig Ferguson won the job. And so he's in there. That week was exactly what you just described. He'd be like, I'll tell you, boys, and this and. And secondary. Because, you know, he wasn't up for the job. He was just doing it, like, for fun. And. And it would be like. And they're like, what do we need to go over the monologue? Monologue again? He's like, someone's putting on a tie and makeup. And he would just look at me. He's like, mike, I got it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Like, yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

No, it's almost like he probably had it memorized by looking at it, like, you know, going through the jokes that afternoon.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

He would just regale us with stories also. All the stories that, like, he could spend a whole day talking about stories that just happen in that building. Like, that's what Danny K's office was. And then all the game shows like Hollywood Squares and all that stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm just looking up, how many times did Tom Dreeson do the Tonight show? Oh, I know, 61 times.

[Mike Birbiglia]

That's unbelievable.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's unbelievable. What a career man to be envied by anybody and to be that well liked and that good at your crap and the stories that he could tell. I had him on my. My podcast because he wrote a great book about his life and I had him on my podcast and interviewed him and, I mean, I could have gone on for five or six hours, so great. All right, let's cheer up.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Let's go. The funnies I get. I have a heart out in seven minutes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's do it. Okay. Rip room. Every week we do the comedy cap contest, and last week it was a man and a woman at a cocktail party. They both have drinks in their hand. He's talking to her and says, we don't know. And as he says it, there's also a thought bubble coming from his crotch. So we're hearing what comes out of his mouth and what his penis is thinking. Send your entries for next week into fitzdogradiomail.com and we'll pick a winner. All right, Sean from Ontario said, the man says, I'm a bio molecular engineer. And then the penis says, I'm itchy.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Nope, sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sean David,

[Mike Birbiglia]

I'm itchy. What? Has to be a little more of an effort, I think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Martin says, hubba hubba. I want to pound the out of you crotch says, no, no, dumb fucker. That's my line.

[Mike Birbiglia]

All right. Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I got a little held up on hubba hubba. Like, wasn't that like Fozzie Bear from the Muppets used to say hubba hubba?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, that it's. Both of their lines is hubba hubba.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Brandon from Vero Beach, Florida says, top bubble. I swear it won't happen again. I'm only drinking wine. Bottom bubble. How do I tell him whiskey dick is just an expression? Okay.

[Mike Birbiglia]

All right. Yeah, yeah, sure. All right, then.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is Ron Dvorak says speech bubble is so tell me about yourself. Thought bubble is. And her friend. Ask about her friend. Introduce me to her friend. She's talking about her pussy, I guess. Yeah, Clive. Clive said. He's saying, I'm flattered and you are very pretty, but in the long run, I don't think I'd Ever be able to reconcile your stance on Iran? And the crotch says, ah, Christ, there I go, thinking with my man again.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And then there was one above. Or we're skipping that one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Mike Birbiglia]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then we got John Favreau, my friend in Maine. Guy says, it's true. Whenever I eat gluten, my lips get all dry and cracked. Crotch bubble. Great job, Romeo. Another dry night for me.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Okay, not bad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

J. Donohue says. Man says, I just don't have the time or energy to pour myself into a deep, committed relationship. Crotch says, you had the energy to pour me deep into Kyle last night.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I'm liking this one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. And then his second. He took two cracks at this. The second one is, the man says, I'm a struggling magician, but living with my mom helps keep expenses low. Crotch says, crap, another night with an oily, angry right hand.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Angry masturbation. Oh, it gets me every time. I love that. But no, it has to be the one right before that. The first one's better.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Adam Copeland said. Adam Copeland said. The guy says, so the gynecologist said, you can't have sex for two weeks. Crotch says, ask her what the proctologist said.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Okay, I like it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I like the prize. Yeah, Kyle, Kelly Holmes said, top bubble is. No, really? Two famous guys talked about the size of my penis on their new podcast, their news podcast last week. Dick bubble says, don't forget to mention you're a show or not a grower.

[Mike Birbiglia]

There you go, Kelly. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. I think we can go out on that.

[Mike Birbiglia]

You know, I was thinking of one where the bottom. No one, I don't think has the bottom one talking first. I thought it would be funny. Like, don't say it, don't say it, don't say it. And the guy goes, I'm chubbing up right now. Yeah, yeah, something like that. It's fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, so finalists, I would say we like the gynecologist. Proctologist, sure. And then you like Jay Donahue's first joke. I don't have the time or energy to pour myself into a deep, committed relationship. You had the energy to pour me deep into Kyle last night.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Deep in the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who's the winner?

[Mike Birbiglia]

I mean, how about. They're tied. We don't have enough around.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's give them both no koozies.

[Mike Birbiglia]

All right, perfect. But congratulation, winners.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, next week's comedy caption contest. Here is the comic. It is a boxer. He's sitting on a stool in the corner, and his trainer is talking to him. He Has a black eye. He looks pretty tired. And the trainer is talking to him. He's got a towel around his neck, and we're clearly between rounds. Pretty wide open. Thought I'd give you one a little less specific this week.

[Mike Birbiglia]

He looks like an old businessman.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The way he's dressed, he's not in great shape.

[Mike Birbiglia]

All right, let's move along here. Let's do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here's the pros. Hagar sitting at the bar with a guy who's wearing the full suit of armor. And he says, I'm drinking to make me confident enough to talk to a woman. Then he says, and I'm wearing the armor in case I say something offensive. I think she should be wearing the armor in the cocktail lounge in medieval times.

[Mike Birbiglia]

A little protection.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, I like it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Leroy is pouring himself a drink. And Loretta says to her friend, Leroy had a tough night, so he's having a bit of bourbon renewal. Just a little wordplay.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah, that's a little. It's a little stretched.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then he want that. Leroy and Loretta walking down the street. There's a construction worker with a jackhammer. And Leroy says, your old piano teacher.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I love that. He's not even looking over at the guy. He's just looking straight ahead, saying that. She's side eyeing side eyeing him, though.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then we got

[Mike Birbiglia]

doing one more lockhorns. I think you should pace yourself on lockhorns.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, let's go to the Onion.

[Mike Birbiglia]

All right. The Onion is a funny one this week. So the pga. Oh, someone wanted me to hold the onion up more, but then steps on

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

the joke so fast.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yes, because you don't. There's nothing visual. There's a picture of a press conference, but it has the text. You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why are you yelling at me? What did I do?

[Mike Birbiglia]

So I don't. I don't even know why I hold it up at all. I guess the better question anyway. It's press conference. PGA announces. All caddies must be leashed. I like it. Coming out of the Masters because of how racist it is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, I don't get it. All caddies leashed. Leash because they're black?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Well, they're subservient, I think. Is what. What it is now. But coming out of the Masters, they were treated less than equal. I think you'd say that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, that is true.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Sure, sure. All right, Blondie, Blondie.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We got a repair man shows up at the door. Blondie answers the door. She is literally heaving out of a teal green sweater with a plunging neckline. She's got her hands on her hips, which accentuates her slim waist. And let's not even get into the calves. I mean, they're bowling pins. And so the guy shows up and he goes, I hope I didn't. I hope you don't mind. I got here a little early. And she goes, not at all. Now I got a little chub working. And then he walks inside, and she goes, are you sure you don't want to wait until my husband gets home? What? And then the repair guy goes, actually, that's why I'm early. I'm hoping to be done before he gets here. Get. Okay, define done.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Where?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because done in that pooper. Look at her presenting. She's closing the door and she's aiming her. She's got a velvet skirt on with a rump that looks like a. It like a melon.

[Mike Birbiglia]

And her hands still against the door with her back to him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The dog is even going, like, what's about to happen?

[Mike Birbiglia]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He wants to be done before he gets here. All right? And I mean, gonna get some action.

[Mike Birbiglia]

I'm just gonna assume he's a plumber and he's there to check out the plumbing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's gonna lay some pipe. Ladies and gentlemen, if you leave him

[Mike Birbiglia]

deep inside, like, inside Kyle. All right, here we go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Don't forget quo q u o.com papers to get 20% off your first six months. And. And you get to try it for free. And so we'll see you guys next week. Thanks for listening.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Are we seeing them next week?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We won't see you next week. Next week we're going to be off. I'll be in the Hamptons, and I can't be bothered when I'm in the Hamptons.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Oh, I like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Birbiglia]

All right, everybody. So until two weeks from now, everyone should take it eash.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Take it eash.

[Mike Birbiglia]

There it is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wake up, it's Sunday early in the morning. Quit your yawn and plug your phone in. Watch out for gubbins.

[Mike Birbiglia]

He's huffing puffin.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Cause his new clubs are coming.

[Mike Birbiglia]

Florida sun must be running to the

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

corner store to get me some B B. I need a blondie. It's so beyond me, Dagwood. Beyond me.

[Mike Birbiglia]

It's been a long week, so it's

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

time to wrap it up with Michael Greg. I lose my blues I got the news, Fitz Fat. Sometimes it's true yeah.