Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike 6/7/2026 | Greg Fitzsimmons

Summary

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Sunday Papers with Greg Fitzsimmons & Mike Gibbons

Episode: June 7, 2026

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Episode Overview

This week, Greg and Mike broadcast from the Northeast, unpacking life updates, comedy road stories, pop culture, and a fresh batch of the week’s oddest news, as always with plenty of digressions and sharp wit. From confronting mortality (ticks and Lyme disease), to Manhattan’s playoff mania, the drama at "60 Minutes," and dinosaur jokes, it’s another classic blend of news, personal tales, and non sequiturs.

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Key Highlights & Discussions

1. Road Stories, Stand-Up, and T-Shirts

• New Hampshire Gig & Audience Banter

  • Greg recounts a memorable New Hampshire show:
    “It was in the middle of New Hampshire...nicest group of people came out...a woman in the front row...had on a grapefruit Simmons T-shirt… She said, not anymore. And I said, oh, bad divorce? And she went, no, he died. And that— where do you go from there in the show?”
    —Greg [02:47]

• Mike’s Storage Unit Crossroads

  • Mike reflects on confronting old mementos:
    “It was one of those crossroads where you can get rid of stuff, right?...That shirt somehow survives it.”
    —Mike [03:18]

2. Life in New England: Ticks, Farms, and Friends

• Dealing with Ticks and Lyme Disease

  • Both swap horror stories about Lyme: Greg found several ticks after outdoor activities in Boston and Vermont.
    “My aunt had it and it ruined her life for a decade. She literally was on an IV drip because it was so bad.”
    —Greg [06:53]
    “There’s a pill you can take, and it knocks it right out.”
    —Greg [07:23]

  • Mike references advice from The Daily Show, noting the importance (and limits) of tick removal urgency.
    “If you get [the tick] within the first 24 hours...there’s an argument that some diseases could be transmitted...but Lyme disease, it’s then like 50/50.”
    —Mike [05:35]

• Farm Escapes & Mushrooms

  • Greg waxes poetic about the Dunsky’s farm in Vermont—porch, tractor rides, cold pond, and foraging (with magic mushrooms):
    “It’s paradise...stars that big and that close—other than Ireland, don’t think I’ve seen that.”
    —Greg [09:08, 09:44]

• SpaceX Satellites & UFO Speculation

  • After some “weird lights” in the sky, Greg learns they’re recently launched SpaceX satellites:
    “Future space garbage.”
    —Mike [10:46]

3. Knicks Playoff Fever: NYC, Celebrity Sightings & Superfan Drama

• NYC Trip Planning

  • The guys discuss travel plans around the Knicks’ playoff games, with extensive strategizing on flight logistics and city energy.
    “Game four is possibly the last game in New York...I’m hoping I have to cancel that [flight] and never use that flip.”
    —Mike [14:05]

• Charles Oakley’s MSG Ban, Trump & Watch Parties

  • Mike details the famous Oakley/Dolan feud:
    “He showed up with four guys...security came up...and he was removed, and it got physical. Oakley assaulted three MSG security.”
    —Mike [16:22]
  • There’s speculation about possible Trump sightings and calls for the MSG cam operators to alternate between politicians and fan-favorites for crowd reaction shots:
    “Do that, MSG camera people. Please do that with Trump and Mamdani. I would lose it.”
    —Mike [17:47]

4. Corrections & Listener Feedback

• Ovations for long-standing listener Bob Patterson (a running joke now mispronounced as “cocksucker”)
• Cloaca pronunciation for alligator anatomy (“clo-a-ca” not “cloka”)
• Fact-checks on Whitey Bulger, Tom Jones/Rod Stewart soccer myths, and gang rivalries

5. News Stories of the Week

Cats & Schizophrenia Risk

“Having a cat as a pet is linked to higher Odds of schizophrenia related conditions. That does not mean your cat is secretly impacting your health...”
—Greg [32:42]

• Digression on pet owners dying alone, Schizophrenia jokes, and cat/human psychology

60 Minutes Turmoil

• A seismic shake-up at CBS: legendary staff fired, journalists revolting, and the show’s authority in jeopardy

  • Leslie Stahl and Scott Pelley’s ouster and the rise of unqualified leadership
    “The show should be called 60 Seconds at this point because that’s how much longer it’s gonna last, you know.”
    —Greg [38:01]

  • Andy Rooney nostalgia, including his most infamous segment about Kurt Cobain’s death, with Seinfeld comparisons
    “I think Seinfeld stole his act from Andy Rooney.”
    —Mike [39:01]

Erotic Electrostimulation

• “Erotic electrostimulation...Now E-stim toys have made their way into mainstream sex shops...”
  • Childhood dares segue—“We would take the light bulb out and take turns sticking our finger in the light socket.”
    —Mike [42:50-44:08]
  • Greg’s story of shocking himself with live wires as a kid [43:23]

Alligator Face-bite Lawsuit (Florida)

“Florida man files lawsuit after alligator bites his face...Now he is accusing the business of negligence...”
—Mike [59:13]

• Extended riff on personal responsibility in risky endeavors [59:13-61:19]

Accidental $197B Crypto Glitch (Texas)

“Bruce Gentry opened his Coinbase app for a routine check and saw his balance was $197 billion.”
—Mike [61:19]

• Joking about no Bitcoin 'headquarters' and what to do (legally or not) if you become an “accidental billionaire” [62:42-63:54]

6. Pop Culture & Entertainment News

• Clint Eastwood’s Retirement at 96

  • “Retiring at 96, that's like getting divorced at 70. It's like it's already been over for a while.”
    —Greg [50:25]

• Colbert Ousted/Late Night Shakeups & Byron Allen

  • Ratings gossip, comics' gripes about “Comics Unleashed”:
    “Norm MacDonald...observation was, ‘I've never seen comics more leashed.’”
    —Mike [54:17]

• Taylor Swift’s Toy Story Song (and Sex Toy Story)

  • Taylor’s record-breaking creative output (and her rumored marriage plans with Travis Kelce) lead to affectionate mockery of her thematic range:
    “It's a breakup song. It is.”
    —Mike [56:33]
    “Do you think Travis Kelsey enjoys her music?”
    —Greg [57:01]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• “You sound like a special needs kid who’s given a weekend up there. Let Gregory ride the tractor.”
  —Mike [08:41]
• “We took magic mushrooms and then went into the woods and looked for mushrooms. We went foraging.”
  —Greg [09:24]
• “There’s rumors Charles Oakley will...the ban has been lifted. It’s been lifted twice.”
  —Mike [15:38]
• “You can buy a signed Trump electric guitar for like $25,000. He’s signing guitars and going to basketball games and repainting reflecting pools…”
  —Greg [18:18]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:18] - Mike’s Storage Clean-Out and Sentimental Hoarding
• [04:43-07:55] - Tick/Lyme Disease Deep Dive and Home Remedies
• [09:08-10:46] - Farm Life, Mushrooms, and SpaceX in Vermont
• [14:05-16:49] - Knicks Playoffs, NYC Vibe, Charles Oakley’s Ban
• [32:42] - Cat Ownership & Schizophrenia News
• [38:01-41:40] - “60 Minutes” Mass Firing, Andy Rooney Memories
• [42:50-46:41] - News: Erotic Electro Sex and Childhood Shock Stories
• [59:13-61:19] - Florida Man Sues Over Alligator Bite
• [61:19-63:54] - Bitcoin Glitch: Accidental Billionaire
• [50:20] - Clint Eastwood Retires at 96 (Industry Reflection)
• [54:17] - Comics Unleashed and “Leashed Comedy”
• [56:33-57:17] - Taylor Swift’s Toy Story Song (and Jokes)
• [66:12-69:05] - This Day in History (including D-Day, Sex and the City, Bjorn Borg, Prince, Anthony Bourdain)
• [69:33-end] - Comedy Caption Contest & Comic Strip Roundup

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Comedy Caption Contest & Comic Strips

Winner this week:
Jim Walsh for the fish at the bar caption:
“All I heard was throw him back.” [73:51-74:07]

Runner-up:
Chili B: “I’ll tell you why I keep coming back here. I’m a salmon.”

Funnies Discussed:

• Hagar the Horrible: Marital counseling jokes
• The Lockhorns: Greens fees / Potted shrimp
• Blondie: “Isn’t all food comfort food?” (with an uncomfortably affectionate Elmo cameo)

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Show Closing and Teasers

• Routine plugs for live dates (Huntington Beach, Cincinnati, LA, etc. – [26:13])
• Sponsor plugs (Hims weight loss, Miracle Made sheets)
• Tease: Jeff Buckley documentary discussion coming next week
• Knicks plans for “possibly the last game” in NYC and more on playoff city energy

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Final Thoughts

Maintaining a tone that alternates between the sardonic, bleakly observational, and outright goofy, Greg and Mike continue to make sense of the news cycle and their own cumulative decades in comedy. More than just a digest of Sunday’s headlines, it’s a blend of road stories, cultural nostalgia, reader corrections, and jokes that revisit the week’s annoyances and absurdities with a comic’s irreverence.

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Next Week:

• Thoughts on the Jeff Buckley doc
• Knicks fate recap
• More headline hijinks

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Transcript

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[A]

Read all about it. Read all about it. We're up in Maine here. We're up by Bajaba.

[B]

Oh, yeah, Tell me about that, man.

[A]

I did. I did a show last night in New Hampshire and the kid that was opening for me was talking about eating fish sticks with Tata sauce.

[B]

Oh, that's funny. That's a tough one.

[A]

Yeah, it's a tough one. It was what a show, though. Oh, my God. It was in the middle of New Hampshire. It was this Nashua. No, it was called Rochester, New Hampshire.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Well, London, nicest group of people came out. Oh, my God. It was. I ended up doing like an hour and 20 minutes. I just didn't. I didn't want to get off the stage. And. And there was a woman in the front row and she had on a grapefruit Simmons T shirt and I got.

[B]

I got one right here.

[A]

You do?

[B]

Yeah, Go ahead, keep talking. And you what?

[A]

I talked to her for a little while and then I Asked her if she had a husband, and she said, not anymore. And I said, oh, bad divorce. And she went, no, he died. And that. Where do you go from there in the show?

[B]

You know, I died of embarrassment because she had this T shirt.

[A]

Oh, there it is.

[B]

It's more valuable if it's still in the wrapper. That's why I haven't done it. Wow. How does this have a barcode? Or did that get on there from something else?

[A]

Your life is more valuable when you walk around wearing that shirt.

[B]

Get this. This is how. This is my problem. One of my problem. And it's gonna sound like a very giant diss to you. I have a lot of problems, but I just went through a process of. I had to give up my storage unit in the building. So it was one of those. And we've all been there, like, all right, crossroads where you can get rid of stuff, right? It's kind of like the big. Most of the time, it happens when you're moving. Sometimes it's just like the garage has gone too far. Let's see, what. Anyway, Donating tons of clothes, throwing things out. Throwing things, like mementos out that, you know, you. And you winnow it down. Like, I can't. I had so many, like, artworks from the kids in grammar school. And this. I'm like, you know what? If I had half this much, which is still a trunk, that would be fine. That shirt somehow survives it.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

I pick it up, I look at it, I weigh. I'm never going to wear it.

[A]

And.

[B]

And maybe now that I brought it up, I could throw it out. Maybe that's what just happened.

[A]

Wait. Now the big question is, are you going to save the shirt you Wore to my 60th birthday, which had my headshot on it from the 90s?

[B]

I have it. And it. It does not hold up well to washings. It's been washed once and it is quite faded from when. From when I wore it. I think maybe I washed it once before I wore it to your party, and. And then I've. I've watched it since, and it did. It's. It's fading fat, like you.

[A]

So. So it's. I was just gonna say, so it looks like me at 60.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wash it a dozen more times and it might be where I'm at now in terms of being faded, but I gotta tell you, I. I was. I did it. I did a weekend in Boston, which I think I spoke to you. I spoke to you last weekend about that. That was fun as hell. Played golf with John Tobin on Sunday with a bunch of lunatics. They play at this public course, which is kind of a famous. It's like the oldest public course in the country. And. But fuck it, I walk up the course, I got two ticks on me. And this Lyme disease is no joke. People get really sick from Lyme disease.

[B]

Yeah. I think I saw a Daily show with Michael Acosta. What's his name?

[A]

Michael Costa.

[B]

Michael Costa. And he had the leading. One of the leading scientists on. Everyone should go watch that. Because it goes. It narrows it down. He has all the ticks. And the guy goes, there's only one tick that carries it. And then he's like. And it's about a 50% chance if that ticks on you, that it has Lyme disease. He was in no way saying, like, calm down about it. So don't get me wrong. But he was just saying, this is what you should know. Like, if the other ticks are on, you obviously remove it. Don't freak out, though. It's impossible to get Lyme disease. Then if this tick is on, take it out. And then they broke down. If you get it within the first day. And he kept saying, now a lot of people are going to come at me about this, and the research isn't completely sewn uptight yet, but if you get it within the first 24 hours, there's an argument that some. Some diseases could be transmitted to you which are not tough. Maybe you'll have a little fever, but Lyme dise. It's then like 50, 50. If you get it like within 20, like towards the. Like a day later. If you get it immediately, you're good.

[A]

Yeah. But even if you get it within hours, you're good. Squeeze it. If you squeeze the tick and you get liquid on you, that will give you the Lyme disease. So it's like.

[B]

That sounds like a Fitz fact.

[A]

Look, my aunt had it and it ruined her life for a decade. She literally was on an IV drip because it was so bad.

[B]

Oh, no, it messes.

[A]

And then you get that thing where you can't eat meat anymore. A lot of people have that now. My. My. My wife's cut. My wife's stepbrother has it. He can't eat meat. And so anyway, there's a shot. There's a pill you can take. I'm just taking the fucking pill when I get back because then I went to Vermont and I got four more ticks on me.

[B]

Wait, there's a pill?

[A]

Yeah, there's a pill. You can take. And it knocks it right out.

[B]

You're supposed to get tweezers and pull

[A]

it straight out or the way we were at the. We went to the dump. Me and Evan Dunsky went to the dump. Yeah, up in there. Oh, God.

[B]

Great time.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was great. And this guy, we were about to step on a tick that I just pulled off me, and he was screaming at me, and he's like, no, you fucking. You got to do this. And he pulls out his lighter and he burns it and he goes, that's what you got to do. Kill these fuckers.

[B]

That's old school. They say, do not do that. Like, if it's in you. And there's probably, like, it might get released even faster, you know, like, if you do that.

[A]

Oh, right. Well, I was out. They. Our friends the Dunskies. I've talked about this before, because this is the third summer in a row. Mike, you're fucking insane if you're not going up to the Dunsky's farm. It is paradise. It's like, spiritual. It's this house. It's surrounded by 360 degrees of forests and mountains. They have this.

[B]

I'm going.

[A]

They got this cold pond with a sauna with a big window on a deck, and you get hot. Then you dive in the pond and you sit in the Adirondack chairs in the sun. And I was farming. I was like, riding the tractor around, cutting all the grass.

[B]

This sounds like. Did you have also equine therapy? You sound like a special needs kid who's given a weekend up there. Let. Let. Let Gregory ride the tractor. Everyone watch him. Don't worry, it's not connected to anything.

[A]

Yeah, they let me pet the ponies for like three hours straight.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I fed it a carrot. No, they got. They got cows and. No, it was great. And the dunce. Just the best.

[B]

I think I'm going early September because I'll tell you, I'm. I'm going to see Tedeschi trucks at Tanglewood, September 2nd.

[A]

Oh, no shit.

[B]

Unless. Unless like, something some, like, employment gets in the way.

[A]

No, get Sophie. Go up with Sophie and. And maybe. Maybe Owen will go up with you guys. But that's apple picking season and they've got an apple press. And you'll come home with a couple jugs of cider. And we took. We took magic mushrooms and then went into the woods and looked for mushrooms. We went foraging.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. And then we walked outside. And the stars. I don't know that other than Ireland I don't think I've ever seen stars that big and that close. And I'm looking up and Lisa and I are out there. It's like midnight, and I'm like, what is that? That's not a plane, is it? And we both see this light, and it's moving across the sky, but it's very small. It looks extremely high up. And then we see another one moving across the other part of the sky, and there's no way it's planes. We're in the middle of the Vermont.

[B]

No, nothing would fly over the northeast of America. Go ahead.

[A]

No, I'm just at that hour at midnight. There's two planes in the sky above

[B]

them, by the way. There's. There's hundreds, but go ahead. What? Get.

[A]

So anyway, we go inside and she sends me a link. She had looked online. Elon Musk had launched two SpaceX satellites. And they said in the article, you'll be able to see them above the sky tonight. Because they haven't, look at that, Reach their orbit yet. They're still low enough to see. Great story.

[B]

Future space garbage.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Speaking of Owen Fitzsimmons, what a sweet guy. First of all, I was very disappointed in him, hearing he listens to his dad's podcast and this one, or maybe just this one. Anyway, he texted me after last week's podcast saying that he heard us talking and that I'm gonna read east of Eden. He finished it about a month ago, and it's so fucking great. You can't. Wrong.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. And then we started talking about classic books. And then I told him I. A recent classic, it's on most people's top 10 of the last 50 years, is atonement. And then he said, I watched the movie because I spanked it to Kira Knightley, but I'll check.

[A]

He didn't say that.

[B]

No, he said I watched the movie because of Keira Knightley.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which is the same thing, but I'll check out the book. And by the way, if he was able to spank it during Atonement, hats off. I've lost that ability. Hats off to him if he can do it. There's a lot. There's a lot of boner killing things going on in that story.

[A]

Oh, well, that's nice. I'm glad he reached out. Yeah. I can't believe that he listens to my podcast. It's insane.

[B]

He should not. Yeah.

[A]

I'm about to see him. He's. I'm going to be in New York for the next few days. Doing a little. Doing a little corporate show.

[B]

I. A bank, I think I'm going to New York Tuesday.

[A]

I leave Wednesday, but I'll meet up with you Tuesday night.

[B]

Whoa. You may want to. I know. I have to emphatically step in here. You were going to leave New York City on Wednesday?

[A]

Yeah. Why?

[B]

It's game four in New York.

[A]

Good point.

[B]

It's the best point. That's why I'm going.

[A]

If they win. If they win on Monday night, I will stay for game four.

[B]

So I've. I've booked and who knows? Hopefully it can work out. Meanwhile, I hear American Airlines is canceling flights because a lot of them because of fuel. So who knows?

[A]

Anyway, yeah, no, they don't cancel the main routes. They cancel like Fargo, North Dakota to South Bend. Indian.

[B]

Well, I couldn't afford the one. I mean, I guess I could, but I wasn't willing to. So I'm connecting in Charlotte on the way there. It's like a short connection. It was only adding like an hour to the flight anyway, and it was like less than half the price on the way back. Anyway, I am not. Just so people don't think I've lost my mind entirely. I would not. I would bet against them winning in four. Right. Even though they're up 20 now as of last night. But my point is, I'm going. Game four is possibly the last game in New York and. Or the last game and then they play. So that's a Wednesday. Then they play Saturday, maybe Saturday.

[A]

Yeah. They take three to three days off

[B]

for the two day, two day, two off days for travel, which. I don't remember it that way, but anyway, it didn't used to be like that.

[A]

They added a day.

[B]

Yeah, I know. So put it this way, in typical Knicks fan fashion, I used a shit ton of miles to book a flight the morning after game seven is scheduled. And keep in mind we're up two zero and both wins on the road. So I'd say odds are against it going to seven. But the Knicks fan in me, man, I'm like, I gotta protect. If this goes to the seventh game and I have to watch it in New York. So I'm hoping. I'm really praying I have. I cancel that and never use that flip.

[A]

Like, yeah, we got to figure out Monday night. We got to. Me and Owen got to watch the game somewhere fun. I don't know.

[B]

The best. Just walk down the street. I'm not even. Have you seen the footage of all the people in the street watching it?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's incredible.

[A]

Yeah, it's going to be amazing.

[B]

And.

[A]

And I'm going to wear an ear. Earpiece in one ear, one ipod, so I can listen to the play by play because I want to. I like to hear what's going on. I like to hear the stats and.

[B]

Okay, Grandpa, why don't you just bring a little transistor radio and have a hard line into it?

[A]

I have a Knicks cane. It's really nice. It has. It has a head on it of.

[B]

I thought you were gonna wear one thing in your ear. Acting as Owen's bodyguard, and maybe you'd get better seats or you can move up to the bar.

[A]

Yeah. So we're gonna. I'm gonna go out to Bushwick. He said that. You know, I've been in the neighborhood briefly. It's amazing. Everybody's raving about it. It's the new place to live in New York.

[B]

Well, Brooklyn has. I mean, my feed is packed with Brooklyn watch parties. Like, they're everywhere.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And big bars also. But, you know, I think we're talking about it later. But Trump is saying he's going. I cannot wait for that. And, Mom, Donnie is going to game three, and I want Charles Oakley. There's rumors Charles Oakley will. The ban has been lifted. It's been lifted twice.

[A]

And.

[B]

And he may return. He's the only, like, you know, player that hasn't, like, returned over the years.

[A]

Wait, what was the ban? I can't remember.

[B]

He would dis. He's a. He bleeds. He's a big, big, big Knicks fan. Right. Never mind. Playing there 10 years. And he. With Dolan, the owner. They had a beef, and he was very critical of Dolan. He. Which he should have been.

[A]

And everybody is.

[B]

He showed up with four guys, like, to the game. So he was sitting in Dolan's section, and then security came up and goes, you're leaving? And he's like, what? Now? I don't know exactly what happened in Dolan's defense, but Dolan claims he was inebriated and maybe dissing, like, you know, booing and heckling Dolan, and he was removed, and it got physical, and I think he. Oakley assaulted three of the MSG security.

[A]

Yes. That's amazing.

[B]

That was in 2017, I think. And then it's been a lawsuit since because you defame my character, says Oakley. And you called me, like, an alcoholic or whatever. Anyway, but they've lifted the ban. But then Oakley wants an apology. You can Google all this. There's a beef. The beef is still Going on. They got Michael Jordan involved to try to solve it. And anyway, if Oakley returns, I think that would be beautiful. Of course he'll be blamed if they lose. He's got to watch that. But anyway, for the non Knicks fans who are tolerating all this talk, this is the last thing I'll say. I saw someone on Instagram who said, I have the best idea. Do you remember that footage of there was a young kid at a hockey game who just stared down the camera and the camera would show him and the place would go crazy and then it would cut to other fans and they boo. And they'd boo and then they cut back to the kid and they'd go crazy. He's like, do that MSG camera, people. Please do that with Trump and Mamdani. Show Mamdani, then show Trump, then show Mamdani, then show. I would lose it.

[A]

That'd be great. Yeah, they just get back to Oakley. I had a Charles Oakley jersey when I lived in New York. And then more importantly, I got a Charles Oakley car wash shirt. He had a car wash in Yonkers.

[B]

Yeah, I remember that.

[A]

And I was in a thrift store and I found the Charles Oakley car wash. Yeah, I think it's distracting. I think that Trump has better. Does Trump have anything better to do? You know, you can buy a signed Trump electric guitar for like $25,000. He's signing guitars and he's going to basketball games and he's repainting reflecting pool. Like, what, Is there nothing else going on here?

[B]

I mean, this is the thing.

[A]

All right, let's not get into it. I don't want to get into it.

[B]

I'm just gonna say that. I'm just gonna say that.

[A]

Say it quickly, say it quick.

[B]

And I think even MAGA would agree. I'm sorry, Trump is more Texas than he is New York. That's it. It's that.

[A]

That was my point. I said he should go to San Antonio. They'd love him down there.

[B]

That's exactly right.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, let's get into. You're supposed to watch the Jeff Buckley I know. Documentary.

[B]

I'm afraid to. I'm going to love it too much. I'm gonna be a puddle of tears.

[A]

So. No, let me tell you something. Jeff Buckley is a guy who just, like, touches you in a very, very sublime way. They just. His voice, his lyrics and anyway, I'm watching the documentary on the flight from LA to New York, and I'm getting really into it, and it's all about not being a part of commercialism and pop music and garbage, and I'm, like, moved to tears and. And then the pilot gets on and he. And he interrupts because I'm watching it on the screen, which is always a mistake. Never watch a movie on the screen because they stop every time they make an announcement.

[B]

So, you know, you told me this last week.

[A]

Okay, let's also talk about this week's logo. No, no, no.

[B]

But where the pilot had to be like, ladies and gentlemen, please avert your eyes from the man in the center seat in aisle 28 who's in a puddle of tears and who keeps cursing at these interruptions.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Anyway, do you know. So you finished it, right?

[A]

I did.

[B]

I don't know if they cover this, but by many accounts, he died going in for a swim in the Mississippi in Memphis singing Whole Lot of Love.

[A]

Yes, that's correct.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

The logo this week comes from Tim. It's a very interesting picture. I really like it. It's got a lot of emotion to Blondie is. Looks like Deborah Harry is a whore. Hagger Looks like. I'm not going to say. A grapist. I look a billion years old.

[B]

Yeah. I look more haggard than the Haggard than hagar and haggard whore.

[A]

So he went hard. You know what?

[B]

Who's the guy?

[A]

I know exactly who you're going to say.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Who I also look at. I look like Pop or whatever his name is.

[B]

Oh, Harry Dean Stanton. That's one. I also look like Popovich post stroke. And. And I look like. No, he's the Italian guy that does the podcast with Sebastian. You know, they're always like. And my wife goes to me, you know, and they have the. They're very Italian conversations. He's a funny guy. No, he's a stand up.

[A]

Oh, Oh, I know you're talking about. He used to be Brewers. He used to be brewers co host.

[B]

He's a funny guy.

[A]

I know. I'm good friends with them. I'm just spacing his name right now,

[B]

by the way, I don't mean that as an insult to him, but his face is longer than mine and his hair is kind of like that.

[A]

All right. I feel like an asshole that I can't remember his name right now. Anyway, the song is from Roger Harvey. Did you get a chance to listen to it?

[B]

I don't think you sent it to me.

[A]

I did. I sent it to you and Matt at the same time. When?

[B]

Like earlier this week?

[A]

Yesterday or the day before. You were given plenty of time. Anyway, it's a very cool song. I love it. Thank you. Roger. Still looking for songs. Always looking for new songs.

[B]

Very nice.

[A]

Send them in.

[B]

We're not acoustic.

[A]

We're not looking for a symphony here. We're not looking for.

[B]

You know, Roger did it right.

[A]

He did it right. Just something meaningful. Correct. She's being a meaningful Jesus. People laid into us this week. Andy from San Diego said. Oh, wait, no. First of all, I got to say that this. This came. Cali Khan, who did last week's music, said, if you could just give a shout out to Haley Mulville, who did the music for last week's theme song by me. Okay. And, yeah, she's great. She's our. She's our furry of blondie that we love. Andy from San Diego said, it's not in the corrections. Bob Patterson is always correcting us. He goes, it's not pronounced Bob Patterson. It's cocksucker.

[B]

Oh, that's.

[A]

We're off the algorithm. Yeah.

[B]

Why did you do that?

[A]

We love it. We love Bob Patterson. He is very anal. I would imagine his house is a very tight ship. Ryan from Chicago said several mispronunciations. Mike pronounced cloaka several times in the story about alligator peni. He pronounced it cloaka. Two syllables, but it's clo A or cloaca. Three syllables. Unfortunately, his joke about being cloaked. A cloaked pervert doesn't work when you pronounce the term correctly. So for your point. 01% of our audience. Thank you, Ryan.

[B]

He doesn't know what I call my cloake. Perverts wear cloakes also.

[A]

Yeah. Under their cloaks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So. And Ryan also goes on to say that the audio is out of sync, but we did not hear that from anybody else. So I think that Ryan is either on acid or he has a bad MP3 player.

[B]

Well, I think my. Was it my audio? No. Maybe. It was two weeks ago. I. My card ran out. So. Matt.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Who always takes care of us. They. I served them up with a problem that they didn't deserve. Yeah.

[A]

So they're throwing Matt under the bus.

[B]

No. Oh, my God. The opposite. I'm saying he saved us and no one else is complaining, but I messed up and I. They had to use the Zoom audio for the first half or something.

[A]

JJ Says, and I don't know if this is true. You tell a story about how somebody corrected you on Whitey Bulger. Whitey Bulger was the Winter Hill Gang. They weren't rivals. He was in the Winter Hell Gang. Their rivals were The Italian family. Can't think of the name right now.

[B]

Oh, the Cloacas,

[A]

they're brutal.

[B]

They're just walking around with hard ons and guns.

[A]

Yeah, you'd wish it was a gun in your back. Yeah, but I was talking to my friend Mary Fitzgerald's brother who said that their father worked for the Winter Hill gang and they did not work for Whitey Bulger. So it may be two separate gangs. They may not have been rivals, but I don't think they were the same gang. Also, Tom Jones was not a soccer player. Rod Stewart was tried out for a team but never played professionally. And maybe you're also mixing this up with Gordon Ramsay, who was on the youth teams for Rangers, a professional Scottish team. Lifelong soccer fan.

[B]

Mark, I, like you gave me credit. You glossed over that, that I called out the Fitz fact live while it was happening. Yeah. Well, are you going on the road any. Are you going on the road anytime soon?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're in Huntington Beach, I'm going to be at Mamba on July 12th. Also St. Pete's there's a comedy festival called Joke World. August 14th and 15th, Cincinnati at the Funny Bone, August 26th, Columbus, Ohio, at the Funny Bone, August 27th. Then I'm coming to La Jolla, Batavia, Illinois. Go to Fitzdog.com get some tickets, come out. We also want to give a shout out to. We just mentioned Matt Peters, but thank you to Gotham Productions. They do an amazing job on our show every week. You know who else does an amazing job? Him's weight loss. Oh, my God.

[B]

It's never been easier.

[A]

Talk about your weight loss and how difficult it was.

[B]

It's hard. You have to change your lifestyle. You have to do that and like, you know what you need in my opinion. And this has nothing to do with this ad. It's very true. You need, it's like you need to get that momentum, you need that start, you need that encouraging first time you look down at the scale and you're lighter and you're like, I could do this for another. And it's then one day at a time and that's what you need. And this can help you do that. It's never been easier. More people are checking it out. Weight loss by HIMS. They now offer access to an affordable range of FDA approved GLP1 medications, including the Wegovy pill at its lowest price ever and the Wegovy pen. You can lose up to 20% or more your body weight and then combined with diet and that's Combined with diet and exercise, it helps regulate your appetite and helps you eat less without feeling like you're constantly fighting cravings all day. And the pill option means no needles needed.

[A]

Everything happens online. That's the best part. They line you up with a licensed provider and then they figure out the treatment that's right for you. If prescribed, the medication gets delivered right to your door. It doesn't say what's in it, it just shows up. No insurance necessary. And him gives you the support beyond just the medication. They offer access to 24.7Care, team messaging plus nutrition tips, meal plans, recipe fitness content, sleep support and more.

[B]

We have a friend on it and I mean, it's unbelievable how much he's changed. He looks so healthy.

[A]

Oh, I know a lot of people on it.

[B]

Yeah. No, well, we live in la. It's like it's, it's, it's happening.

[A]

Ready to reach your goals? Visit hims.compapers to get a personalized affordable plan that gets you. That's H I M S.com papers himss.com papers based on advertised cash price for the 30 day supply of medication only. Membership required. Fee not included in bills separately. Weight loss by HIMSS not available in all 50 states. WeGovy is a registered trademark of Novo Nordisk. As to get started, learn more including important safety information. WeGovy clinical study information restrictions. Visit HIMSS.com and by the way, make sure please put in dot slash papers because that is how we get these sponsors to stay with us and we can continue to make the show. Also, let's talk about miracle made. Oh my God. Yep, These sheets. Talk about your experience with the sheets because you're a single guy.

[B]

I'm a single guy. Oh, man, the wear and tear on these things and they hold up and the chicks are impressed. Man, it feels like slipping into hotel sheets. Are you kidding me? Anyway, there's all this copy here, but it is true. They have the technology that sheets can hold more bacteria than a toilet seat. I don't want to think about that. Should knock us off the algorithm.

[A]

Well, you also have sex on toilet seats, so this is, this is a big step up for you.

[B]

It's a huge step up. It's so tricky. The other way. This makes it easy. You still get a foothold and everything and you have to balance, but it works.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They have silver infused fabrics inspired by NASA technology to help regulate temperature and stay cleaner longer. This is the thing they do. You know how you're always flipping the pillow to find the cool side of the Pillow. Yeah. That's what kind of what they're. That's what they set out to affect is that the sheets will be like the cool side of the pillow. That's how it is.

[A]

So I run, I run cold at night, my wife runs hot. And these sheets adjust so that we're both comfortable. So you know, it's kept our marriage alive in many ways.

[B]

Yeah. I think that's the. You're holding on by them. You have to give them a lot

[A]

of credit so you can wash them less because they don't they. The bacteria is. It's just not there anymore and they stay fresh.

[B]

That's what I don't like is all right. So I have a cleaning woman every two weeks or whatever.

[A]

The night I get sleep with your cleaning woman?

[B]

Yeah, I have her. That's the one on the toilet seat.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I. It's while she's cleaning, then she cleans up after it works out. So when I get into those sheets I'm like, I don't know how you did it, but this feels like. And this is with any sheets. And then the one when it was the miracle made it was like, it was crazy. It honestly felt like a top, top end hotel. And the thing is when it's not the miracle made, I'm AF the next night it's not already not as good and then two nights later it's not as good. Here's the lonely. Here's a funny lonely detail. I sometimes after a few days sleep on the other side of the bed because it's still crisp over there.

[A]

That's so sad. Upgrade.

[B]

But miracle. I don't have to do that. Miracle stays. It's three times as long. It stays fresh. It's incredible.

[A]

Upgrade your sleep or give the gift. Give the gift of better rest. Go to miracle.compapers to try Miracle made sheets today you'll save over 40%. And when you use promo code papers, you'll get an extra 20% off plus a three piece towel set. How are they staying in business? They make an amazing gift and with a 30 day money back guarantee, there's no risk. That's trymiracle.com papers code papers@ checkout. Thanks to Miracle made for sponsoring this episode. Okay, you got a crinkleage. You got something to crinkle.

[B]

I got a little plastic. It's not great. I'll admit it, it's not great. But it's gonna, it's gonna make a little sense.

[A]

There we go. Having a cat as a pet is linked to higher Odds of schizophrenia related conditions. That does not mean your cat is secretly impacting your health. The findings show an association, not cause and effect, and better studies are needed. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The idea that cat ownership may be linked to schizophrenia risk dates back to a 1995 hypothesis that it could involve an infection passed from animals to humans. So, basically, cats have nine lives. Women who live with them also have nine lives, but they're all happening at the same time. Is that what's happened concurrently? Having nine lives? Yes.

[B]

Also, having a cat is linked to dying alone. It's not. They don't know if it's a causal relationship or just maybe a coincidence. But the empirical data is for sure there.

[A]

Yes. And they. They often show up and the cat has made a meal out of a calf or a finger by the time the medics arrive.

[B]

And with each cat you add, the odds increase of dying alone.

[A]

And also, I think humans might cause schizophrenia in cats because they are. One minute they want to be petted, then they hate you when they hide behind the couch, and then they bite your leg, and then they play with a lint ball. They are at least nine different personalities.

[B]

Is petted the right word? I just want to cut off some fits. Some corrections coming in. I don't know if petted. Maybe it was just Peter. They want to be pet.

[A]

I was going to say stroked, but that sounds dirty.

[B]

Stroking your cat.

[A]

Stress.

[B]

I'm not going to say the other word. Now here's some Fitz facts coming our way from me. Aren't there cat diseases that can kill you?

[A]

Well, yeah, the poop will. If you're pregnant, you shouldn't be around cat poop because it will. Cause I don't know what happens, but

[B]

there's something with the litter box and something. But anyway, how is that not happening More, I guess, is my question. How are more people with cats not dying in their house because of neglect or, you know, whatever it is that causes it? But still, if there's that possibility, I'm shocked it doesn't happen more.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Oh, all right. You have nothing to say. Normally you just go with a theory.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Not today.

[A]

Well, I felt like the story was over, and then you brought up, like, a little. I don't know, a little addendum.

[B]

And I'm not talking about cat scratch fever. Let's keep that in mind.

[A]

Our. My favorite punchline of. Of the funnies last week. And you didn't pick it to win, right?

[B]

That's right. You're right.

[A]

Cat scratch fever was the punchline.

[B]

I forgot that it is good. Should we go back and. All right. The 60 minutes clock is like a ticking time bomb. Leslie Stahl, now the most senior and tenured of the show's correspondence, isn't fooling around. Stahl is bringing out the big guns. She's reportedly hired Brian Lord of Creative Artists Agency. Both you and I have been represented, I think by caa. I was to represent her in the CBS debacle. Losing Leslie Stahl would be game over for the new regime. She's the last link to the classic 60 minutes of Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Harry Reasoner and Ed Bradley. Her skills and connections drive the show's authority and public trust. As it is, Scott Paley's exit is devastating. So Scott Paley was just let go. And that was wild. He went public about it and everything and it was four other people, I believe, who were fired. And he was just like, why are they being fired? And the response was, we are not answering that question. And so morale's never been lower. But my, my thinking before we get to some jokes about it is why don't. What, why doesn't the whole staff, if they're fired, just start another news magazine on a website or a rival network, if a network is still in the cards or, or Netflix, like it's such an incredible journalistic magazine.

[A]

Well, I think they spent a lot of money researching. I mean, they work on a story for six months before it hits the air.

[B]

And CBS now.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that's true, that's true. I think the show, I think the show should be called 60 seconds at this point because that's how much longer it's gonna last, you know, and Scott Paley, by the way, he didn't, he didn't get let go, he got fired. I mean, he, he laid into this, this chick Bari Weiss, who's fucking evil. She was there. And there's this new guy, Nick Bilton, who they brought on to be the executive producer, who literally has never produced television and never produced news in his life. And he's been brought in. And so this was. Scott Paley basically said in the meeting, what qualifications do you have to, to be even sitting in this room with us right now, nevermind being in charge with us. And so he got fired the next day.

[B]

And they also called out that CBS was forcing them to put lines in their stories that were invented and that were just self serving to the administration.

[A]

Yeah, and Scott Paley.

[B]

And it's weird I said self serving, but that's, that's their, their lockstep with the administration, cbs.

[A]

Scott Pally said to Barry Weiss, you're murdering this show. It was crazy. So I mean, it's just, you know, this is the biggest story in the country about censorship in the news. And the news organization that most would be covering it can't because it's about them.

[B]

Oh, man, I wish Andy Rooney. Remember our. We grew up to Andy Rooney, who would end every 60 minutes. Do you know, as I like just jotted this down, the thing I'm about to say, I realized I think Seinfeld stole his act from Andy Rooney.

[A]

Oh, totally, totally. Yeah.

[B]

The observational, literally Andy Rooney would say, you ever notice like. Like it's basically the. Who are these people? So anyway, I think if Andy were on now, he's like, you ever notice when your co workers start disappearing? I know I do. Hey, Scott, where did you go? And my third boss this month is now gone too. I don't think this would happen at a bank or gimbals. Maybe we should just let people do their jobs. That's what I've done for 110 years.

[A]

The best part about that run was Gimbel's, a department store that's been gone for 40 years now.

[B]

If you want to. If you don't know what we're talking about, obviously you can find an. Andy Rooney was parodied on like everything like Fridays, Saturday Night Live, a Mad TV probably even did it. But he was the easiest guy to do. He was such a full blown character. But one really interesting Andy Rooney, the one that stays with me the longest is when Kurt Cobain died. So what is that, 94 or 2? Anyway, when he died, Andy Rooney kind of came out one like, all right, like, what's the big deal? Like, was he that big? Like, is this maybe an overreaction? And he was, you know, like the whole sit in in Seattle happened and it was front page of the New York Times. Like, you know, it was a gigantic story, obviously. And he kind of was old man poo pooing it. And the next week he said basically a mea culpa, that the show had never received that much fan mail telling him he was wrong.

[A]

No kidding.

[B]

Yeah, it was really interesting.

[A]

Yeah, he was amazing. I mean, look, I grew up with 60 minutes. Every Sunday night we sat down, my whole family, we watch it. And I try to get my kids to watch it because it's just, it's the kind of journalism that, that changes lives. It's the kind of thing that brings young people's attention to what's going on with the environment and what's going on with, you know, constitutional violations and big, deep questions and like I said, the journalism, like nobody else is spending this kind of money and this kind of time on, you know who else is? John Oliver. That's the other guy who.

[B]

Oh, my God, So good. No, he's like 60 Minutes meets the Daily show for sure. And you know, Front Line is also should be mentioned in the same breath. They're unbelievable.

[A]

Hey, Mike, you ever, you know that feeling when you accidentally shock yourself while unplugging something from an outlet?

[B]

Boy, do I.

[A]

Or maybe you used to put a 9 volt battery on your tongue as a kid.

[B]

Hold on. Keep, keep, keep listening, everyone. This sounds like an ad. It's not. It's a story.

[A]

Apparently some people feel that the jolt and thought, you know what? I want to know what that feels like on my genitals.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Erotic electrostimulation, better known as E stim or electro sex, is having a mainstream moment. The practice, which involves sending mild electrical impulses through the body to stimulate nerve endings and muscles for sexual pleasure, has been a fixture of the BDSM community for decades. Now E stim toys have made their way into mainstream sex shops, and more people are using them. So they say it increases the engorgement and sensation in a penis. Tech, tech. Testicles are particularly responsive and, and a big part of the draw is that it's hands free. So, I mean, this is great news if your AI sex bot short circuits. Boom.

[B]

Yeah. Well, I remember we would not only lick the 9 volt batteries like crazy, but we would take the light bulb out. Like, our parents would be downstairs, a friend would be over, we'd take the light bulb out and take turns sticking our finger in the light socket to see who could hold it in there long. And of course, you take it out immediately. It like, grabs your arm, you know? Remember that sensation?

[A]

No. No.

[B]

You've never done this?

[A]

No.

[B]

You guys almost died in your basement, you and your brother, like, every week, and you never did this?

[A]

Well, I once went in the. The side of my school in seventh grade. There was these two wires by the gym, and like, this was the 70s, man, where just. No, there was no safety precautions at all. And there was these two wires that were sticking out of the wall, just, you know, just live wires. And I, my friends dared me to put them together and I stuck the two wires together and I literally fell backwards and lost consciousness and then came back to back, back awake again.

[B]

So for this story, it's like, why don't you just penetrate the light socket with your genitals? Like, why don't you just stick it in there, man?

[A]

That.

[B]

I mean, you already have it. It's in the house. You don't buy anything.

[A]

You'd be like, uncle Fester.

[B]

Yeah. Wait, I told you the story. I haven't told the story in forever. But off of your wire story, I went up. I would go up to Dartmouth and drink my face off during their winter carnival. And Dartmouth should get most of the credit for basically bringing beer pong to the forefront. So I'm in a fraternity cellar, and there's a giant beer pong thing going on, but there's, like, you know, 100 people or something. And. And they have a bar, like, a really, like, bar with taps, like, you know, like, you know, like a real bar.

[A]

And.

[B]

And I step up to the bar, and I'm waiting there. And then while I'm waiting, and the guy. The guy sees me, and he goes, what do you, like? Yeah, another. Like, you know, we're all solo cups, and he's going to fill up my beer, dude. All of a sudden, I'll just explain it from my perspective. I feel like a beam in the cellar fall on my shoulders behind my head, like, crashing down on me, and I literally, like, flinch like fucking crazy. And I look up, and the whole bar is dying laughing at me. And I'm like, what the f. And then I realized, like, I'm not on the ground, which I had no idea what happened. I was so confused. And everyone's dying laughing. They had a shorted refrigerator that if you put your hand on the. On the hinge. The metal hinge of the refrigerator, and I had my foot on, like, the metal bar of the bar or whatever it was. And so they know that the. So a fraternity brother put his hand on that. On the live fridge. And then he wrapped his arm and hugged me across my shoulders, and I completed the circuit. And he. By the way, the. The craziest part of the story is he has to get shocked in order to do that to me. And everyone knows it. So he. He has his hand behind me. I'm imagining being like, hey, everybody, watch this. I'm about to hug this fucking stranger who's drinking, like, in our. And he, like, hugged me. And anyway, they were all really cool to me after it, but, I mean. And, you know, my feet are in water. I. My hands are probably all beer, like, wet. And it was a shock, man.

[A]

I love that. I love that the guy took the Hit. It's. It's almost like if Marvel created a superhero that could shock you, but he has to be drunk first.

[B]

It's like a bee stinging you. Like that's the end of his life.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Let's. We do this.

[B]

We don't have to. We're going. We're going.

[A]

Kill that one. Let's do the ethical questions.

[B]

Oh, man. Here we go. All right. Ethical questions. Where are they? Here we go. All right. My sort of ex has cancer. Is it fair that she expects me to take care of her?

[A]

Interesting

[B]

subtitle. Part of me recognizes that walking away is loathsome and something most people would judge harshly. Doesn't really add anything.

[A]

Well, my mother in law, my wife's mother, while they had been divorced since Aaron was a kid, but they had always been pretty good about, you know, managing the kids and staying, you know, and he left her for another woman and she ended up. He ended up marrying that woman and he was with her for the rest of his life. But Aaron's mom was a nurse, and she sat at his bedside. He ended up with this horrible nerve disease. And by the end, he was. He could barely function. And she sat at his bedside almost every day and nursed him in the hospital. And she was there when he died. And it was kind of profound and beautiful.

[B]

She signed all his checks. She signed all his checks, got the password for all his accounts, took care of everything.

[A]

But that's a woman helping a man. I would say in this case, if it's the woman with the cancer. No, he's. He's got a pass on that.

[B]

You want me to tell you want me to tell you the story?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

All right, very briefly. They were boyfriend, girlfriend. They realized years earlier that it. They were incompatible. And so they broke up and she was in another part of town, but they kind of.

[A]

This is the story that you're reading?

[B]

No, I. I read it or that's the headline I read.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

And so they remained friends. She was in the other town. And then he started to get sick. He. He's. He's sick and deteriorating a little bit. So then she got a job in his town and they said, why don't we. With some clear boundaries or whatever, like, why don't you move in? You can kind of. I think it was like, kind of have free rent because you work here. And then you could help take care of me a little bit. This is meanwhile the opposite of what the. She then eventually gets cancer. So. And they realized again that they were incompatible, but they Agreed to a two year lease and they were coming to the end of it and they were going to go their separate ways. And that's when she developed the cancer.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I see a screenplay here. Hallmark Channel, maybe Christmas time, he dies on New Year's Eve after it's called Stage four.

[B]

Christmas. I should write it up. Why don't I just spend the rest of my day writing that up?

[A]

All right, let's get to entertainment.

[B]

Wait, you don't want. All right, there's other ones, but. Okay, let's get to entertainment. All right, let's keep it moving. No, we're not ethical, man.

[A]

And we're unethical.

[B]

Here we go. All right. This is you.

[A]

No, this is Matt.

[B]

Oh, I love it. Yeah, I saw this story. Thank you, Matt, for putting it in. Clint Eastwood announced his retirement from the film to industry. He's 96 years old. And my. I saw that headline and I'm like, do you, like, look at us, Greg. We're in the entertainment business. In the entertainment business, is there a need to announce your retirement? You are forced into retirement at the end of every project.

[A]

Yes. Right.

[B]

All you have to do is just say nothing and you're retired.

[A]

Yeah. Retiring at 96, that's like getting divorced at 70. It's like it's already been over for a while. You just didn't realize it.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

96. I mean, I mean, Marc Maron retired his podcast and he threw a party and he played with a band and he invited everybody and it was like, I don't know, I would just stop doing it. I wouldn't have a party.

[B]

His is a little more like a steady gig where he has to kind of address it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But if Clint Eastwood made his last film, the. The. The history would be like, oh, what was the last film he made? Oh, yeah, that's right. He made that film and he never made another one. Like, now it's going to be like, oh, after that film he announced his retirement from.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyway, it's a little weird.

[A]

I think, 96. I think maybe I should announce my retirement just to get some press and then come back, which would get me even more press.

[B]

Yeah, that's. Yeah. Unretire. Like George Foreman. Like, do it a few times.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Or maybe then you come back and you fight one of those. One of those kids in the ring, like. Like Tyson did.

[A]

Oh, yeah. What are their names?

[B]

They were in the audience at the roast. Yeah, we were gonna have them involved, I think, at one point, but. Oh, geez. I'M spacing on their names.

[A]

Anyway, here's another Matt story. Stephen Colbert, Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. The Americone Dream, which was named after him, is got a new look after being ousted from the late show. I guess it's still gonna be in the stores, but they changed the COVID He will now appear in a blue button up shirt with no tie since that's how he's dressed now. And, and I think they're gonna add a lot of extra dark chocolate for bitterness.

[B]

Is that what they're doing?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They want to add bitterness to it.

[B]

I like it. I don't. Do they really need to change anything?

[A]

I don't know. I think. Well, there was. Did you read about the Byron Allen Show? So people angry with the cancellation of Stephen Colbert's the Late show are making their displeasure known. Byron Allen's the replacement show Comics Unleashed hemorrhage more than half its audience. And competitors Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon capitalized on the exodus. Apparently Kimmel's show surged by 2 million viewers, a 178% increase from the show last year. And even Fallon ended up with 1.3 million more viewers. Meanwhile, Byron Allen's Comics Unleashed debuted a day after and drew only 628,000 total viewers. So it's a 65% drop off.

[B]

And that was the premiere.

[A]

And they, but I gotta say this though, they actually treat the comics really well on, on the Byron Allen show. You in your green room, there's a vacuum sealed bag where you can check your soul for the taping of the show. Yeah. And then the gift bag has Judy Carter's book How to be a stand up comedian and some Vicodin, which helps ease the cramps in your gut from having to laugh at a fellow panelist conversationally do a bit from their act that has been sanitized and castrated by the same network that is gutting 60 Minutes. Byron Allen sifts through your backpack in the green room to take any spare change because he feels like he hasn't fucked you enough by underpaying you on his show. So it's a good experience.

[B]

It's called. Yeah. Byron Allen's comics unleashed. Norm MacDonald famously like his observation was, I've never seen comics more leashed.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Or comedy more leashed.

[A]

They basically take your act, which you've already picked the cleanest bits and apparently they sift through it and they change it and they neuter it. And then you go out there and there's, oh, it's so Awful.

[B]

I know. It's. It's. But, you know, he's renting that time. Byron Allen. That's his, like, business model. Like, he's his own network. And. And then he sells the ads because you can just buy that time. And it's almost like syndication.

[A]

Syndication is. Yeah, it's. It's the same as, like, Channel 5 and 11. Do they. They buy the time and then they take the commercial. So CBS doesn't get hurt, but they're not making money. Taylor Swift announced a new original song in Toy Story 5.

[B]

All right.

[A]

I guess they were keeping it a secret, but now they re. Revealed it. The title is I knew it. I knew you, and it's a country song. And it's. I guess she's a huge Toy Story fan. And here's Taylor's toy Story, though. Here's her story about toys. She sends an assistant out in each city to buy her a rabbit ear dildo because she's only in the same city as her fiance. About 11 days each year. That's her Toy Story. Yeah.

[B]

Well, I saw this story that Matt suggested, and I'm like, well, what are the odds? I mean, maybe she can get away from a. Her absolute. She's like a AI in that she's. She writes just as fast and can be just as prolific, except the AI has been. Restraints have been put on it. And it can only write breakup songs. Right. It's like the AI it's like Claude breakup. That's her AI and so I then start thinking about jokes for this story, and I go, you know what? Let me be fair. New York Times just. Just called her one of the best songwriters, living songwriters, American songwriters. So let me be fair. I went, saw it. Guess what? It's a breakup song.

[A]

It is.

[B]

It is a. Written exactly like an entry in a teenage girl's diary. Yep.

[A]

Yeah. I have tried to listen, and I don't hate it, but I just don't. I mean, should it be only for teenage girls? Because I don't feel anything when I hear her music.

[B]

Well, I mean, the lyrics are so syrupy, and it's all. And it's all me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, like, right about the world. Will you.

[A]

Do you think Travis Kelsey enjoys her music?

[B]

I. I mean, I think he has to. He probably convinced himself. Maybe he does. I mean, he's not, you know, the most intellectual guy. Right. I don't know.

[A]

I don't know. He seems to be a fun guy.

[B]

I'd like to. I'd like you know what it. What are his musical tastes? I'd like to see what else he's in. He's probably hip hop, right?

[A]

Maybe country. A lot of those guys are country. But apparently they are taking their vows in front of more than three, a thousand people inside Madison Square Garden.

[B]

This can't. And I looked it up, and the rumors are. It's true. There are rumors. I. What are they doing? Why would they do this?

[A]

Why would you be in a place that holds 20,000 people and you have a thousand with you? That doesn't make. But it's July 3rd, and they're going to communicate to invitees by text, I guess. I bet they do it. I don't know. And usually with it, with a couple like that, they don't announce the location until, you know, the night before because they don't want paparazzi.

[B]

So it's gonna be so romantic. I mean, when they leave, they're gonna drive off in the Zamboni with the, you know, just married written on the back of it and, like, cans tied to it. It's gonna be so beautiful. Beautiful. I can't wait till someone. I can't wait till someone screams, pot van sucks. Because I've never been in that building. When someone doesn't scream that. And maybe Tracy Morgan will throw up in the front row. I want to see that also.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Now you've got to invite Tracy Morgan, Woody Allen, Ben Stiller, Chamolay, Dillon. Be there. And, you know, the catering will be done by Oscar Meyer and Budweiser.

[B]

Yeah, you got some dogs there. Some big beer with Saran Wrap over the lid. I'm talking about when I was little, they would have those with a rubber. Rubber band around it.

[A]

Already made.

[B]

Let's get. Let's get everybody beer fast. Unlike any other city I've ever been to.

[A]

Speaking of cities, let's make America.

[B]

Florida, here we go. All right. Here we are. All right. Florida man files lawsuit after alligator bites his face. The lawsuit shows that the man identified as Edel Kazanov visited airboat rides at Midway in Christmas and whatever, but during the free alligator encounter experience, he reportedly suffered a bite in the face. Now he is accusing the business of negligence, claiming to have suffered disfigurement and hospitalization, among other impediments. There were no warnings, signs, or other devices to warn or indicate the vicious nature of the subject alligator, the lawsuit reads. Additionally, there were no measures used by the defendant to restrain the alligator or otherwise protect him. In all, the lawsuit is seeking damages of over $50,000. That's a pretty cheap face. 50 grand. But no, you need signs and warnings that an alligator is vicious in nature.

[A]

Yeah. And then he went to. He went to a biker bar and he got fucked in the ass. And he's suing because there was no signs. How did he know?

[B]

You have to know. That's going to come in your way.

[A]

You're in Florida at a biker bar. Yeah.

[B]

Also, you went to Florida and were bitten by an alligator. That's like. You can Google that. That. The odds on that are not that incredible.

[A]

No. It's like losing money in Vegas. Yeah. It's just. It's. It's. It's the downside. You go. You go for the. To see them, but you're going to get bit.

[B]

There were no signs posted in the casino saying I would lose this much money.

[A]

Right.

[B]

None.

[A]

There was a sign that said if I had a gambling problem, I should seek help. But the help was an arrow pointed toward an ATM machine, which I felt was misleading.

[B]

And I did not have a gambling problem until I started losing. There was no problem. I came here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So crazy. All right, let's make America Texas again. Here we go. Bruce Gentry opened his Coinbase app for a routine check and saw his balance was $197 billion. There were so many zeros on my screen, they actually went behind some of the icons on my screen. Gentry said, believe me, I never see that many zeros unless I got a calculator and put them in myself. Coinbase tied the issue to a May 7 outage. The company called it purely a display issue, to be honest. Probably find myself. Oh. So then he was asked if he got 197 billion. Right. This is how you can tell that Mr. Gentry doesn't understand numbers. He goes, to be honest, I probably would have found myself a better position of where I live. That's what he would have done with the money. Gentry like one. Why not buy America A? Gentry said, and then probably set up some kind of charitable fund or something like that and start helping people. He said he never tried to withdraw it, and that was the right call. The balance vanished as fast as it showed up. Experts say if something like this ever happens, the safest move is simple. Don't touch it and report it immediately. Greg, is that what you would do?

[A]

Yes, I would report it immediately and I would ask for some kind of a payout from the company. I would say, because it's like when you return a wallet. And if you return a wallet, you're supposed to throw the guy. 20 bucks at least, depending on how much is in the wallet. So I think that the Bitcoin. Bitcoin. Is it a company? Where. Where is the headquarters for bitcoin? Is there any building or any officer. Is there literally any entity in any way involved in managing or overseeing complaints to bitcoin?

[B]

Yeah, I have no idea. But, I mean. Yeah, I mean, think about.

[A]

Think about how existential that is. There is no 800 number. There's no website. It's just a thing like. Like air. It's just there.

[B]

Gentry. Mr. Gentry, may I recommend talking to the guy who got bit in the face by the alligator? He has a lawsuit. I think you can sue. How this rattled you? You were already planning to move, you were going to help people, and then it was just yanked away. That's not your fault.

[A]

All right, let's get to this day in history.

[B]

All right, here we go. I remember some good ones here, and I never say that. Let's see. Let's see what we got. Let's see what we got. Okay, well, D Day. That's an easy one. And all this.

[A]

Let me guess the date. Let me guess. The year d day was 19, give

[B]

or take zero years.

[A]

1945.

[B]

That's perfect. You missed it. 44.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

All right. It took a while, you know, for the surrender in 1945. So sex in the City debuted on HBO in. On this day. In what year? Give or take four years. I'm being generous.

[A]

94.

[B]

Oh, my God. You douche. 98.

[A]

Yeah, baby.

[B]

Oh, boy. Swedish tennis player Bjorn Borg, Gigantic in Greg. And our childhoods was born on this year, give or take three years. I nailed it on the nose. And then I was surprised because I actually, I figured.

[A]

It's pretty tight.

[B]

I figured it out. What? Three years. I figured it out using math. Like dates. I knew. And then I was surprised how young he was. Anyway, go ahead.

[A]

All right. I need more than three years.

[B]

All right, five years.

[A]

Or let's say he was big in the 80s, when he would have been in his 20s. So let's say he was born. I'm gonna say 1958.

[B]

You see? 56. Yes. That's why I gave you a small window. It still would have worked. The small window. Extra points. Yeah. So 81, you know, 80 and 81 were the John McEnroe Wimbledon finals, and then McEnroe beat him the second time, and then he retired not long after. And, I mean, that's putting him at 20. Like, I didn't realize he retired that young.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, he wanted his life, right? You know, he hangs out at the paddle tennis courts down in Venice Beach.

[B]

Yeah, I've seen him down there. Yeah, seen him down there. George Williams originated the Young Men's Christian Association. Do you know what that is, Greg?

[A]

The ymca. I used to. I took swim lessons there.

[B]

I did not know it started in London, give or take 30 years. When do you think George Williams started the YMCA in London?

[A]

1890.

[B]

Ah, you missed it. 1844. You missed it by six years. I love it. All right, here we go. When do you think Prince was born, give or take four years?

[A]

Prince. Let's see. 1984 was Purple Rain. I'm going to guess he was 30. So let's. 30 from 84 is 54. I'm going to say 1954.

[B]

Oh, my God. 1958.

[A]

Yeah, baby.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

Okay, he was only. So he was only 26 when he made Purple Rain. Damn.

[B]

Is it a Fitz fact? The year you're. You're claiming Purple Rain came out, it

[A]

was 1984, maybe 85.

[B]

All right, wait. I like. You're never going to get this story, but I liked how this was. It ended. So, on this day, the United States Postal Service redefined airmail. So on this day, the United States Post Service sent mail by guided missile. Just before New. I'm not kidding you. Just before Noon, a Regulus 1 missile holding two small blue and red metal containers of mail was launched from the USS Barbera submarine. The delivery was a success. The mail reached a Florida Naval station in 22 minutes. Now, here's my favorite line. But somewhat unsurprisingly, mail by missile never caught on. Do you want to take a guess when this was. Just guess, and I'll tell you if you won or not.

[A]

1969.

[B]

I'll give it to you. You won. It was 59.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

All right, all right, last one. It's kind of recent history.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Poor Anthony Bourdain took his own life on this day. In what year? Give or take two years?

[A]

Okay, it's 20. 26. Was it 10 years ago? It was 10 years ago. I'm going to say 2016.

[B]

You know what? It's uncanny with the give or take buffer. You nailed so many, like, literally on the nose. It was 2018.

[A]

I am on fire today.

[B]

And you missed everyone.

[A]

I only missed one. I only missed one. And kind of a ran one. All right.

[B]

Was it. Okay. All right, what are we up to now? We got.

[A]

Let's get down to. I think we skipped the obituary. Who cares about that guy.

[B]

Lucky.

[A]

Sorry, guys.

[B]

Here we go. Let's get to the funnies. Here we go. All right, take it away.

[A]

Every week, we do the comedy caption contest. I give you one frame of a comic. You guys write a punchline, you mail it in, we pick our favorites, we read them off, and then the winner will get a koozie sent directly to your home by Michael J. Gibbons.

[B]

And, oh, yeah, so listen, I found some koozies.

[A]

Oh, good.

[B]

But we're gonna have to prioritize who gets them. You sent me an email. I'll send that guy.

[A]

How many. How many emails do you have for me with addresses on them?

[B]

I've sent some. All right, I'm gonna. I'll do that. I'll do it. But I. I think we have to stop promising because there's only a limit.

[A]

We already did. We haven't promised in a few weeks.

[B]

Okay, great.

[A]

Just this for the love of the sport, until we come up with another prize. This is for the love of the

[B]

sport, and I apologize to the viewers who really were anticipating one. And I know I've said this a million times, but I swear I will get them out. Now, sometimes they're rejected, as we know, but the new envelope, the. The last envelope I use, I think gets them there. So, anyway, right into the. What's the email address?

[A]

It's Fitz dog [e-mail]. send your. Your submissions for the jokes there. Also, if you're missing a koozie, send it in. All right, so last week's comic was a fish sitting at a bar talking to a bartender. It's the. That simple. And this one from Maddie from New Jersey. He says, no, I'll just have water, no ice. In fact, if you could just fill up a bucket and pour it on my head, that'd be great. Like the idea. Little wordy.

[B]

I don't like the idea that my. Sorry, Maddie, but I think that's very literally, like, maybe. What a fish. I'm wondering where the creativity is.

[A]

Okay, Jim Walsh. Jim Walsh says. And all I heard was throw him back.

[B]

I like. It's a fishtail and which are told it bars. I like Jim's. I like that Jim.

[A]

Matt says, another drink. Maybe you should scale it back.

[B]

Putting a lot of weight on that wordplay.

[A]

Harvey. Booth says, I'll just have water, which is a shorter version of the other one.

[B]

I mean, the effort to send those four words in was more than you put into creating those four words. Harvey, I hate to say it. Thank you for sending it in. Though.

[A]

John M. Says the priest and the pastor are running late.

[B]

All right. Fishes. Yeah. Okay. I. Or. Or is it.

[A]

It's making.

[B]

It's part of the joke.

[A]

Fish walks into a bar. Joke.

[B]

Wait, John, have you ever heard a joke where a priest and a pastor? Wouldn't it be a rabbi?

[A]

Exactly, Mike.

[B]

You got to get different people.

[A]

Chili B Says, I'll tell you why I keep coming back here. I'm a salmon.

[B]

Pretty great. We'll ignore that they die when they return, but pretty great.

[A]

Peter says, there is no way I smell worse than your wife's pussy.

[B]

Peter went for it, huh? Yeah.

[A]

Ben says, my quote for the fish behind the bar. Good man. Could you rustle up some grub? And then in parentheses, you know, like worms. You should not need a parentheses to sell a joke. Would you have gotten it without the explanation?

[B]

No.

[A]

All right. Tim Baggins says he's also British.

[B]

I guess a British fish. Go ahead.

[A]

Suddenly, I realized I was being catfished. Luckily, I'm a bottom feeder.

[B]

All right. That means he likes catfish. I guess they're on their bottom feeders. That's what he's getting at there. All right. It seems like you stumbled upon catfished and went with it. I don't know if it sustains the. I don't know if it works.

[A]

Ted says, I thought Poseidon was an unhinged dictator until I saw your guy.

[B]

Very political. Very political. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right.

[A]

All right. So it sounds like you liked. All I heard was thrown back. And you also.

[B]

I kind of did like that.

[A]

And. And you liked. I'll tell you why I keep coming back. I'm a salmon. So what's your pick?

[B]

I'm dinging them on the salmon. I mean, for a joke to work, you can't have anyone be like, yeah, but, you know, like, kind of doesn't work.

[A]

Jim Walsh, you have won this week. I'm not promising you anything, but if we get some extra koozies, then we'll let you know.

[B]

And if we had koozies, you know what? Here's the good news. We'd send them to all of you.

[A]

That's right. Next week's comic is Three dinosaurs. What are those? T. Rex dinosaurs.

[B]

T. Rex.

[A]

T. Rex. They got the little arms. They're standing straight up, and one of them is talking to. The two other ones in the background is just sort of like prehistoric looking terrain. That's it. It's that simple. It's very wide open. I thought I'd give you guys kind of like free range joke writing.

[B]

It occurs to me, if you take a T. Rex and lay it down on its stomach, I mean, you're getting pretty close to an alligator.

[A]

Never thought of that, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, they're. They're like prehistoric reptiles, alligators. So, of course, there. There has to be some. Are alligators related to birds? I don't know. I'm ignorant. Don't. Let's. Let's go on with Hagar.

[A]

Hagger the Horrible is sitting at the marriage counselor with Helga. And the counselor says, as we begin, what goal do you hope to achieve, Helga? She says, I want to feel the same sweet, tender love I experienced during my honeymoon. And the therapist says, I didn't know you had a previous marriage. Haggar goes, I knew she wouldn't like me.

[B]

I knew.

[A]

I knew he wouldn't like me.

[B]

Yeah. Wait, what's that?

[A]

Oh, that's a guy. The therapist is a guy. Doesn't look like a woman.

[B]

Oh. Oh, yeah, it does look like a woman.

[A]

Yeah. But then you can see this. Like a little mustache.

[B]

Oh, my God. I thought those tissues stuck up to stop a bloody nose.

[A]

Like, what kind of marriage he's about to get a bloody nose after what he said to Hagar?

[B]

Yeah, and he better lock up his wife.

[A]

Leroy and Loretta are on a golf cart, and she says, why do you pay greens fees when you're never on them?

[B]

It's kind of funny. Yeah.

[A]

The next one, they're sitting at a restaurant. The waiter comes over. He's got two things in his hands. He goes, let me guess. You're the potted shrimp and she's the tongue.

[B]

Look at that.

[A]

Yeah, he fucking went. He's not looking. Not looking for a tip tonight.

[B]

All right, let's do some. Let's do. Oh, by the way, I went into my photos, and I saw a photo. So last night at Penmar. It's Friday night. That's where I watched the Knicks game. It was. It was amazing. But it's also the Friday night concerts at Penmar. Jason Momoa's band was played last night. No, Aquaman was playing bass. And he is larger than life. Like, it's distracting how big. And he had his big arms out and everything, but they were a pretty solid. I am probably insulting him, but cover band, they out of the gate. Hendrix and Purple Rain was the one that almost closed it. And then it was Tennessee Whiskey, I think was the one after Purple Rain, kind of the encore.

[A]

How is the bass playing?

[B]

It sounded pretty good. I mean, like, listen, I did not even hear Them for two, two and a half hours as the Knicks were on but. Or whatever. There was a warm up end, but then they went on, but the game ended. And then I went over cut to though, you know, the last time out there was seven and a half seconds in a one point game. Someone should have indicated you have to stop playing for your. For your own sake. So I get home, my feed is full of New York City. There was a giant concert and it might have been in Central Park. I don't know where it was. And oh wait, I do. I forget. Oh, it might have been out at the fairgrounds where the world were, you know, out by, in Queens. So anyway, the guy put it on the big screens. It was like a, it was like a rave. They put it on, the place went crazy. Then they got permission to go to 12:30 instead of midnight because of the delay.

[A]

Amazing.

[B]

And everyone went crazy again. Yeah.

[A]

It's so great.

[B]

All right, so here we onion. I love this. It's onion line. Phoebe Bridger's concert goer dips into bathroom to snort line of Zoloft. And then here's another onion. We'll just throw. I know, we'll throw in another onion. Department of labor cracks down on people getting paid for work.

[A]

So good onions. It's so fun. Funny. The onions to me goes in and out depending on. And it's not the writing, it's the, it's the vibe in the country. Sometimes it's ripe for ridicule. Sometimes it feels redundant, like you can't get crazier than what's actually already happening. And sometimes you feel like things are too serious. But I feel like right now they're like in a groove.

[B]

Well, that's where, like that one is great, because it's. Or like the one where it's like Trump writes Netanyahu, a strongly worded check. Because that's when they're great, which is what you're saying. When it's like this is already a joke. Like it's very hard to find the next level of exaggeration. And both of those do that, you know, it was good.

[A]

Yeah. Speaking of exaggeration, Dagwood sitting in an armchair with his hands in his pocket. There's a young boy sitting next to him.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And the TV is setting, is saying, get ready, people, we're gonna whip up some comfort food. Woohoo. And the boy says, I got a question for you, Mr. B. And he goes, shoot, Elmo. And Elmo goes, since most meals taste decent and fill your tummy Isn't all food comfort food? Third frame is Dagwood in bed, fucking donut pajamas on. Blondie's got her back to him appropriately, which to me would be presenting. That to me is saying, be a backdoor man, donut man. And so he goes, I got a question for you, honey. And she goes, oh, no, Elmo again. Which you can read many ways. I mean, if you were the Epstein commission, you might look at this and say, why are you thinking? Why are you in bed next to the hottest chicken in animation history who's got her lingerie just off her shoulder and her blond locks draped across the pillowcase? And you're thinking about a little boy? Yeah.

[B]

The fourth frame is the third frame. I've got a question for you, honey. Oh, no. El Mo's like, yeah. How young is too young? That's the fourth frame.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, we've made it through another fantastic episode of Sunday papers. We want to remind you to support our sponsors. Go to himss.com papers. Tell them that we sent you miracle made sheets. We can't say enough good things about it. Try miracle.compapers and you're going to get all kinds of discounts with that. And next week, we're going to talk about the Jeff Buckley documentary. Anything you want to promote.

[B]

Mike, man, where are we? So it's Sunday, and, yeah, the series might be over, but hopefully we're watching a Knicks game in New York together.

[A]

Can't wait. All right, thanks for listening and watching. Take it eash take it eash.

[B]

And take it ease from the west to the east border the Venice beach I think I found my niche and that's the take it age garbage giving. Extra extra Take it east we all about it Take it east Pringling papers Take it east Loving Philly take it east yeah, it's easy to take it when you got Sunday papers it's easy to take it shake at night saying

[A]

things that we like having fun every

[B]

week get your news and take it easy. You got to take it.