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Somewhere between the first drive and settling
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in at the clubhouse, golf becomes more
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than just a game.
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Lululemon golf gear is built for the full range of your day. Light layers as you head to early tee times. Flexible fits move naturally with your swing. Our fabrics wick, sweat and block UVs for hours in the sun.
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And refined cuts carry you well into the 19th hole.
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Shop golf gear in stores and online at lululemon.com
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I wrote a little song to remind you. Choice hotels get you more of the experiences you value.
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The Cambria Hotel's got it all. A rooftop bar. Have a ball.
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Bring a date, your squad or even your mom. Book direct@ChoiceHotels.com Sunday. Ole. Ole.
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Ole.
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Papers podcast Fun day. Olay. Olay.
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Ole. Read all about it. Read all about it. Hot off the presses. We got news from all week coming on Sunday.
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A
Yes, today is Friday. We just watched. I kind of watched it. I thought it was gonna go, I thought it was gonna be tied. But what did we just see? Who did we?
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Spain, Belgium and Spain.
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And obviously the US semifinals.
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The US was, you know, rooting against Belgium since they lost to Belgium. But I'll tell you what, we lost to a good team. They held their own against Spain right until the last three minutes of the game. How? It's amazing how many of these games are decided in the last three minutes. Isn't it amazing?
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A
It's a lot of them for sure. Yeah.
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B
Jesus.
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A
Right? And not even counting ties, obviously. That's decided in the very last minute. But yeah, even without the ties, that Argentina game. All right, so. All right. I don't even know how I'm going to tell this story, but so my brother in law, one of my favorite people in the world, George, you know
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him, he all my great guy.
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He is the most mild mannered, mellow guy you've ever met. But then like some things come out. I've talked about him before here. Like for instance when he, when his kids, his two girls, my nieces, got of age to play soccer. The next thing we know, George was kicked out of that league and wasn't allowed to watch his daughter's games. And then he found a, a workaround which was he became a ref. And that allowed him like to go to games because he was working, but sometimes he was working like on the other field.
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B
So you mentioned what his race is.
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He's Argentinian. Sorry if I forgot that.
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B
There we go.
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A
I thought I did. George is Argentinian. So last World cup. This is all getting to the Argentina game this week. Last World Cup. And he, Georgia, turns out, is very superstitious. And when the Celtics would play the Lakers in games or any big playoff games where he's the Celtics or his team, he would get in a position. If it starts to go well, he wouldn't move. So he wouldn't go to the bathroom. So let's say he was sitting on the arm of the sofa. His family would have to, like, bring him another beer. He was not allowed to get up. And so that's pretty common, it turns out. I've heard. I've heard that about other people. During the last World cup, when Argentina won it all, there was a game, I think it might even been the finals, wherever it was, where all of a sudden the juju was bad. And then George said, you have to leave to my sister, and you have to leave and you can go in the other. Everyone had to go. Like, so. So Kate, I think, stayed his oldest, Caroline and Laura left, and they were not allowed to watch. And. And then Argentina came back and won. So cut to this past week and this game. George is working. George is in the fire department. George is literally in the firehouse. He's not allowed to watch, but he's getting updates. It is not going well. They're losing 2 0.
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So he starts a fire.
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Lord. Laura and Caroline stop watching the match. Go to the rooms where they went to last time, the exact rooms Kate could keep watching. I think George has called her his World cup angel or something. She's allowed to watch. And then they immediately turned it around. So they tell me this story, and then George is coming over for dinner.
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The family's all in. He's superstitious and crazy, and they also believe.
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A
So here's the story. So they. We all had dinner two nights ago, and George comes over. I'm like, that's unbelievable. Oh, no. He. Laura arrives before he does, and I go, so from the firehouse, he told you to get out of the living room like. Like four years ago. And she's like, no. And I'm like, what? He's like, no, no, he doesn't know. I'm like, what? I go, what are you. What are you talking about? She said, I'm like, I just know that that worked for him last time. And this is my sister Laura, who is the biggest bullshit detector in the world. And I'm like, either this is the most loving story where you are so bought in to what your husband needs or wants, both. And you've just elected to leave the room and not watch. And his daughter Caroline did it also. And I go. Then I go, does he know you did this? And she goes, no. I'm like, what? So when George came, meanwhile, my first thought was, either this is the sweetest thing ever, or I should call, like, the police. George is clearly beating them. And anyway, when they came here, I'm like, he has to know, do you mind if I. Like, that's the most loving thing. And he was so touched. And literally the first words he could say was, it makes sense. It makes sense. Like that after they left the room, they started scoring.
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Oh, my God.
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A
Yeah.
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Jesus.
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Incredible.
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B
Yeah. No, I get that stuff. I think my sisters like that as well. There was that great movie with De Niro set in Philadelphia.
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A
Yeah. Where he's big Playbook.
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B
Yeah, yeah. The Silver Linings playbook. And there was a lot of that. Yeah. I watched the games. I watched the last game. I guess it was God who played yesterday. I went and watched the game yesterday. All right, France. It was France playing. And I go to Panmar. And Panmar, which is, you know, it's a pretty hip place now. It used to just be like a greasy spoon cafe. And now there's a big screen TV that you and I talked about today because we were on the golf course looking at it. It Must be a $20,000 TV at least, if not 50.
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A
What are you talking about?
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That big screen TV at Penmore.
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Dude, that's over a hundred grand.
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B
Really?
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I think it's the size of a movie screen.
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B
Yeah. So.
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And by the way, the key to that one is, which is hard to do, sneeze, is it's brightness. That's what you're paying for, because it is in the sun and it is the brightest, clearest picture.
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And it has no overhang. It is in the rain when it rains out.
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Yeah.
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So it's crazy. And there's like, five other screens besides that one that are also very big. And so they set up and they basically took over the first tee and the patios and all. And there was about a thousand people at the front France game. And they're young and they are beautiful. It is like the model agencies said, all right, everyone dress like a whore and go to the France game.
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A
Yeah.
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And so you're trying to watch the game is like, no one's got a bra. And, you know, there's this black chick with, like, 34 double Ds, wearing a leopard skin. Basically a bathing suit. Like a. Like a body suit, but cut like a bathing suit. And guys with no shirts that are ripped that Go to the gym every day, everybody's tan, and you think, all right, well, this is a party. Uh, no. They wait in line and then they sit down and nobody laughs. There's no laughter, there's no joy. There's barely smiling. These are people that.
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A
It's like one of your shows.
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B
Right. Except they didn't walk out of the game. And so. But I mean, it's just weird because I think at our. If we were their age and there was a thousand of us, there'd be hacky sacks, there would be laughter, there'd be wrestling. You know, it would be insanity. And I think this generation is very well behaved.
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A
They're all stoned. Might that be part of it?
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B
That's. I didn't think of that. Right.
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A
Or. Or now it turns out all of Los Angeles is on ketamine.
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B
Right.
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Recreationally.
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B
Yeah.
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And. And medically.
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B
And a lot of them are on mushrooms. So. Yeah. Interesting point. They're all stereotypes.
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Do not. The sexy stereotypes do not disappoint. Like, it's like there was the memo. Like, Brazilian ladies, it's expected. So don't disappoint. Your asses should be hanging out of your shorts.
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B
Yes.
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A
And here they are lined up.
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And if you would. If you would like to breastfeed, pop that thing right out. Let it sit out for five to 10 seconds before the baby latches on.
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A
A lot of that I did see something I have not seen since I was in Miami once. And in Miami, I saw it. I was in a bar. It was like 1am on the main drag there near my hotel. And I just point out. And it wasn't the one on the beach. It was the one one block in from the beach and probably Route 1. And so I remember going to the bartender, I'm like, is this. Is this normal? And it was a woman at 1am Pushing a stroller in the shortest shorts and a bikini top.
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B
Yeah.
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And sure enough, Penrod, the other day, there's a stroller. And the stroller caught my eye. I'm like, that's bold. Because it's really loud and packed and there's just a bikini. Bikini woman pushing the stroller.
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B
Yeah.
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A
It's a very international scene is what I'm trying to say.
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B
Yeah, swing by Penmar. We. They should pay us for all the promotion we do for Penmore. And I know Mark, the owner, and he gives me free hats because he knows we talk about them. And he's always begging us to do. He wants us to do Sunday.
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A
I've never gotten A free hat from Mark.
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B
Really?
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A
Yeah. Maybe you've gotten more than one, because one's supposed to come to me.
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B
Oh, maybe that's it. All right, I'll give you some. I got a ton of. Got a ton of penmar swag. I'm going to give you some.
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A
Oh, boy. I hope Dennis isn't listening.
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B
Also, I want to give some love out. My wife's basically father in law just passed away. He's been. He was with her mom for 45 years. And he was. This guy, Johnny Weiss. He, he was a lawyer and he did legal services for the elderly. He basically helped old people who were being evicted from apartments for about 40 years in New York City. And he was an intellectual, he was a philosopher, he wrote novels. He had a great sense of humor. And he really, like, raised my wife in a lot of ways. And so anyway, she's in New York now with her mom who's dealing with it all. And we used to call him Mr. Mr. Magoo because he was blind. He would hold the menu. The menu would be touching his nose when he was reading it. He couldn't see anything. He lost his hearing and. But he could, you could kind of understand him for a while.
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A
Wait, as the lawyer, that wouldn't instill a lot of confidence, like, okay, you're being evicted. Let me take a look at this lease. And he presses it against his nose. I'd be like, oh, man, I gotta find a new place now.
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B
He'd been retired for a lot of years. He was like 88.
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A
That's such a cool life.
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B
Anyway, you were really cool about it because we were on the golf course today and I told the group about Aaron's father in law dying. And then you went, oh, that's too bad. And then you hit a ball and then you went, man, I really sliced that. I got a. I got to figure out how to shorten my swing.
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A
That's what I did. Yes, well, well, Johnny would have wanted that. No, he. I'd have to tell him where my ball went. He wouldn't have been able to see it.
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B
But just complete ADHD you had. You don't have the capacity to hold a thought for more than 15 seconds.
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A
What was the last thing I said to you as we're leaving, this is hours later, leaving the parking lot.
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B
You said, give my love to Aaron. But that was. That wasn't your initial reaction. Your initial reaction was your drive.
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A
No. Well, you caught me at a bad time. No, don't make me. Because. Yeah, it's landing. Because Yeah. I have to sometimes be conscious about staying in the. Yeah. I want to look at both of us and what we do for a living. I want to. I want to flee intense moments.
- [14:19]
B
Have you ever had an issue with an ex girlfriend or wife about this adhd? Well,
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A
I mean, I don't have the hyperactive part of it, I guess so. But it's more staying, you know? Yeah, I guess so. It's more. But it's more staying there. In fact, I'm highly focused. The problem is I don't want to. I don't want to stay in that uncomfortableness.
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B
Right.
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A
But I'm. I'm not thinking about anything else, but it might seem that way. So I guess my short answer is yes.
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B
All right.
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A
I mean, what about you? Well, no, you're pretty good. You're. You're a very good listener.
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B
I'm a good listener, but then I'm not a good.
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A
It's about listening.
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B
I'm not a good rememberer. Like, I'm not a good, like follow up with somebody who's had something happen. I'm good in the moment, but, you know, it's really about two weeks later being the person that checks in.
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A
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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B
Like Aaron's mom, you know, I immediately sent her a big bouquet of flowers. I went through pictures in the. In the back to find pictures of Johnny to send over there.
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A
Wait, who's Johnny? I'm kidding. Good.
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B
That was good.
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A
You were ready to pounce. You were ready to pounce.
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B
Who?
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A
Jackie.
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B
Other shout out is. It's Jojo's birthday today, the day we're taping, which is the 10th. She's turned 23 years old. She's out camping with her friends at a lake in California. Lake Paris. Have you heard this? Lake Paris?
- [16:08]
A
Not, but any. I mean, come on. A mountain lake.
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B
Yep. So she's at a mountain lake. And then she sent me a text. I love you so much, with a bunch of hearts. So they are clearly taking mushrooms out at the campsite.
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A
Absolutely not.
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B
A normal.
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A
Don't call her out on it while she's on them.
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B
I know.
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A
You know, I thought, I. I thought maybe. I know I mentioned it regarding Owen, but maybe Jojo should go check out that apartment and do a little crossover with her grandmother in New York.
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B
Yes, that is. Our next move is. I would like. Aaron's mom nursed her own sister in the last years of her life. She died at like 93, and for like five or six years she was.
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A
You know, that sounds a little odd, right? It sounds like she breastfed her sister.
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B
Well, she's a nurse. Aaron's mom was a nurse her whole life. She was a mental health nurse in the New York City hospitals. Imagine the shit she went through.
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A
Yeah.
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B
And so she took care of her. Her sister, who was also a nurse, and so she. Her whole life was devoted to her for five or six years, and then Johnny was sick for the last couple years, and that was her whole life. And now she's kinda. She's got a couple friends in New York City, but that's it. And she. She hates the winters, hates the summers. And so me and Erin are gonna try to get her to move out here to Los Angeles like your mom did.
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A
So it would be a. I'm a. Is it a ren. Stabilized apartment that she's in now?
- [17:47]
B
No.
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A
Oh, okay.
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B
But Johnny, who died, pays $400 a month. Paid $400 a month for his giant one bedroom on the Upper west side.
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A
Oh, my God. Did he know that? Was able to read the fine print. He knew how much he was paying. Does this say 400?
- [18:09]
B
So. All right, let's get to it. Our logo today is from Bob who?
- [18:17]
A
Thanks, Bob.
- [18:18]
B
Bob, we're in the reflecting pool, you and I.
- [18:23]
A
We're not allowed to talk about the progress of the reflecting pool because people get upset when we go there.
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B
They really do. Yeah. Of them.
- [18:34]
A
It's not a reflection of them. But all the water that's been added are from the melting snowflakes on the right. That's I heard. And that might be the problem with the water.
- [18:43]
B
I think it's the tears from the people that saw the photographs of how many people showed up to the carnival at the White House.
- [18:49]
A
Yeah.
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B
Song this week is from Bruce Wise and. And again, people, the bar is low. We're not looking for, you know, the Beach Boys doing pet sounds with orchestration. You know, you want to clap your hands and sing. We love it. We love it.
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A
That's what happened.
- [19:09]
B
Whatever it is, you send it in. Corrections for this week. You ready for this?
- [19:14]
A
None.
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B
None.
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A
That was a guess.
- [19:18]
B
We didn't do nothing wrong.
- [19:20]
A
There's probably corrections, and that will itself be a correction. Next week.
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B
Tour dates coming up. Huntington beach at Mamba tonight, July 12th, Pittsburgh next week, July 24th and 25th at the Improv. I'll be at the St. Pete's Joke World Festival in August. Also coming to Cincinnati, Columbus and vancouver. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets and come out and say hi. We want to give a shout out to Gotham Production Studios, who Do an amazing job producing, editing, caring for us, helping us with our adhd. And let's talk about Cal. We, you know, we talked about the World cup and I am so into it. And I think a big part of it is this prediction market Kalshee, where I. I buy a yes or a no contract on whether something will happen. What's weird is you're not playing the house. You are trading with other people that are also making trades. I don't know if that makes sense, but we play you. And I like the side, the little side choices. Mentions.
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A
I am not great at predicting mentions. And they are cagey. And there are flowcharts now, apparently on Reddit of the announcers and their tendencies. Like, there was one woman who, I don't know if she was tortured by the word crossbar, but she refuses to say it, even when it bangs off the crossbar.
- [21:06]
B
You can guess that crossbar will be said and double your money if they do. You can guess.
- [21:13]
A
Depends on the odds. You might. By the way, if you wait later in the game to make that prediction, you'll make. You'll make more than $5, obviously.
- [21:21]
B
And red card. Nutmeg, which is when they kick it between somebody's legs. Penalty kick. Whether or not they'll say Donald Trump's name, whether they'll say gold. Like there's a million to choose from. And then obviously whether you vote yes, this team will. Will win the game or. Or you can say they won't.
- [21:43]
A
I had an uncanny run in the Australia versus Egypt. I said they would not say turf pitch. They said it. I said they would not say champion. They said it. I said they would say penalty kick. They did not. I said they would. They would not say what a save. Because they are never saying what a save. They did. Every single one. I made the wrong prediction. Qatar. I said they would not say Qatar. Why? Why would they? They did soccer. There's no way they're going to say soccer. They said it. Crossbar. I'm like, they will. They did not. Own goal. I'll just sum up now. Own goal. Hand.
- [22:26]
B
Bar.
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A
Sorry. Handball equalizer. Comeback. Red card. I said they would not say any of those. They said all of them.
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B
Meanwhile, I'm on fire. I started with a hundred and now I have over 400. And just chipping away with small predictions.
- [22:44]
A
And it's fun. It really does make it fun.
- [22:47]
B
Yeah. Anyway, download the Kalshi app, by the way. You can play this in California, Texas. I don't know which states, but almost all of them Ones that you couldn't normally do this with right now. So download the Kalshi app and use promo code Soccer10 the number 10 to get $10. When you trade $10, you can also sign up at kalshi.comrsoccer10 which automatically applies the code. And that's K A L S H I Kalshee trade. What's next?
- [23:22]
A
Nice.
- [23:23]
B
The July.
- [23:25]
A
Oh, whoa. These are the sheets, bro.
- [23:28]
B
Okay. The sheets.
- [23:30]
A
Miracle made. We've talked about them before.
- [23:32]
B
Sponsored by Miracle made.
- [23:35]
A
Yes. If you're someone who wakes up too hot, too cold or you just never get it right, you're your goldilocks. You, you should check them out. NASA inspired silver infused fabric that helps regulate your body temperature so you stay comfortable throughout the night. The first, they feel like hotel sheets. So despite all the tech I just read about, these are comfortable. They sent me a set of kings.
- [24:01]
B
Yeah. And it's NASA inspired. And we're not talking about Nassau in the Bahamas, although that would be a great place to have these sheets because you would, you would keep you cool. Meanwhile, my wife, she runs hot at night. My wife, I run cold at night. And these sheets, basically, I don't know how, but they adjust. And you know, and now. And I know the astronauts slept on these sheets and they love them.
- [24:28]
A
Is that what happened?
- [24:30]
B
Yes. They had little bed set up.
- [24:32]
A
Yeah.
- [24:34]
B
So if you're looking to upgrade your bed, you need a great gift. Great recommendation. Go to trymiracle.compapers, you'll save over 40%. And when you use promo code papers, you'll get an extra 20% off plus a free three piece towel set. They also come with a 30 day money back guarantee. So there's really, there's no risk. Try them out again. That's miracle.com papers, promo codepapers. Thanks to Miracle made for sponsoring the show.
- [25:06]
A
Nice. All right, you have something to crinkle.
- [25:10]
B
Let me see what I got up here. I've got some old.
- [25:13]
A
You got a tax return or something?
- [25:15]
B
Here is a sheet of jokes that we need them.
- [25:19]
A
We need them.
- [25:20]
B
Let's do it. Here's a little crinkle.
- [25:23]
A
There it is. All right.
- [25:26]
B
All right.
- [25:27]
A
Story. Yeah, good. Tell me about this because there's also a Taco Bell problem. Right.
- [25:32]
B
But.
- [25:32]
A
Okay, go ahead.
- [25:33]
B
It's still unclear what has caused more than a thousand people to fall ill with a condition that can cause, quote, explosive diarrhea. But it is clear that some states have been more impacted than others. CDC said that between the start of May and mid June, at least 145 cases of cyclosporasis has been reported in the U.S. meanwhile, in Mexico, the numbers have stayed pretty much the same at everybody.
- [26:04]
A
I mean, I think all diary. All diary I think is explosive emotionally at least.
- [26:10]
B
Yes, yes. I mean, I gotta say, I'm a fan. I love diarrhea. I think it feels amazing. I mean, I don't like cleaning it up, but much better than like giving birth to like a dry piece of coral that takes you 15 minutes.
- [26:29]
A
Okay.
- [26:30]
B
And you're looking for blood on the toilet paper. Give me the squirts.
- [26:35]
A
It seems like we're maybe the civil war has started because that was the number one killer in the Civil war was the old diarrhea. Yeah. Well, I mean, which led to dehydration and all that stuff. Yeah.
- [26:49]
B
Wow.
- [26:50]
A
Hey, but that cyclosperiasis, I didn't even know that would be a. A fun game show, which is which disease would you want? And cyclospirasis and then other ones that you don't know the technical name for them, the medical condition. And then you have to. Then you see what you wound up with and who would die first.
- [27:12]
B
Endometriosis. Would you like that?
- [27:15]
A
Know what that is?
- [27:16]
B
Okay.
- [27:17]
A
But there's some where it's very technical. Like no. Kind of like halitosis would be. But we know what that is.
- [27:23]
B
Yeah. Martha Lillard, the last known American to use an iron lung, died in Shawnee on June 26th at 78 years old. She contracted polio as a five year old in 1953. Doctors at the time frequently used iron lungs to help victims survive the disease, which could paralyze their muscles and deplete their lung capacity. With the advent of modern ventilators, iron lungs have become virtually obsolete. Lillard, though, refused to switch, and she insists it is the most comfortable option for her to use it. Patients lay inside the large metal chamber equipped with bellows the. That pump air in and out. She recalled an ice storm that cut electricity to her home and she called 911 for help. Lillard died following a battle with Long haul Covid, according to her obituary. So, you know, look, she's old school, she's OG and she wasn't always in the iron lung. Like to get around town. She. She used one of those old time bicycles with the enormous front wheel. And she also kept in touch with her friends and she would, she. She would friend her, send her friends telegraphs on their birthdays.
- [28:40]
A
Is that what she did?
- [28:41]
B
Yeah.
- [28:42]
A
I think iron lungs might make a comeback with all this Explosive diarrhea going around.
- [28:47]
B
You do not want explosion. I don't want to breathe out in an iron. In an iron lung.
- [28:52]
A
How does an iron lung. So your head is sticking out, right? As far as I know.
- [28:59]
B
No. You go into a box which is pressurized, and it forces lung air into your lungs.
- [29:07]
A
So your head is in there too.
- [29:09]
B
Your whole body's in there.
- [29:11]
A
It's like a boy in the plastic bubble. You're completely in there.
- [29:14]
B
Exactly. Exactly.
- [29:16]
A
Wow. Okay. You know, is it just me I'm starting to lose respect for, I guess, old people? Like, for instance, you're like, this headline had everything written all over it that I'm talking about. Like, last known American to use an iron lung. She died in 78. So now what that paints a picture for me is she's born in 1906. But no, she's born like Elvis is killing it.
- [29:48]
B
Yeah.
- [29:48]
A
Like, it's. It's getting more and more recent. It's like, Like, I don't. It's. Is there any World War I soldiers still alive? No. No. So, like, they're gone. And like. And now, like, the oldest person with the old timey description is going to be like, you know, when rock and
- [30:09]
B
roll is already around, I wonder who the last Holocaust survivor will be. Because as far as I'm concerned, there's only, you know, probably a couple hundred Holocaust survivors left. The other ones didn't survive.
- [30:27]
A
Well, a couple of the guards were young. They're still going strong in Argentina.
- [30:37]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [30:38]
A
By the way, Argentina is taunting Egypt by holding up the Israeli flags after the match.
- [30:45]
B
Are they really Argentina?
- [30:48]
A
We'll get your story straight. Are you Nazis or not?
- [30:51]
B
Yeah, right.
- [30:52]
A
Very. I think it was mostly to confuse Egypt. I don't think it was a hate gesture of hate. I think it was like, let's get them thinking, yeah, who are we?
- [31:03]
B
Right?
- [31:03]
A
Do we support Israel?
- [31:05]
B
No.
- [31:10]
A
Arsonists. Arsonist cuts off penis. This is a real headline, people. Arsonist cuts off penis, then uses it to start a blaze in neighbor's garage. Somehow this isn't in the Florida man section. A firebug in Indiana cut off his own penis, dumped gasoline on it, then used it to light a blaze inside a neighbor's garage. Christopher Pettin, 36, of Fort Wayne, allegedly copped to giving himself the shot. Shaft. Okay. After first claiming he was stabbed, he told cops that he harmed himself inside the garage by cutting off his penis with a kitchen knife. He poured gasoline on his severed genitals and set it on fire on the floor of the garage just Inside the door. When later he ran into police, he claimed he'd been slashed in the city's downtown area. Is that what he calls his crotch? I was slashed in the city's downtown area, according to court documents.
- [32:12]
B
So while he was standing in the driveway with his flaming cock in his hand, neighbors say he bore an uncanny resemblance to the Statue of Liberty.
- [32:23]
A
It's a torch, man.
- [32:24]
B
Yes, he's holding a torch. Bring us. You're tired. Oh, man, you're flaccid.
- [32:31]
A
What is going through this guy's head? Am I a grower or a shower? Both. Watch this. Here comes the show.
- [32:40]
B
This would. I think this would put David Copperfield back on the map if he could pull this one off.
- [32:46]
A
That is a crazy story.
- [32:49]
B
It's. What's amazing is that it stayed on fire. It sounds like somebody has been whacking off with an oil based lube for a little while.
- [32:59]
A
You think it's like a snake where if you're holding it and then you pour gasoline on it, it kind of gets turned on. Did it get bigger?
- [33:07]
B
Oh, interesting. I like the smell of gas.
- [33:10]
A
You know, you cut a snake's head off, it could still bite you.
- [33:15]
B
Here's a couple jokes from our friend Dickie. He loves this story. He texted us. This story really puts the cock and Molotov cocktail.
- [33:24]
A
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- [33:27]
B
You know how farmers insurance have that campaign where they were like, we know a thing or two because we've seen a thing or two. Guessing they haven't seen that one.
- [33:35]
A
Yeah,
- [33:38]
B
the Indian man does that.
- [33:40]
A
Yeah, go ahead.
- [33:41]
B
The. The Indiana man whose garage caught on fire was distraught. He was like, oh, my God, Now I have a neighbor who's trans.
- [33:50]
A
That's that. That's what got him. Yeah, exactly.
- [33:54]
B
Yeah.
- [33:54]
A
Meanwhile, the neighbor could be like, the balls on that guy.
- [33:59]
B
I wonder if he tried to blow it out.
- [34:04]
A
I doubt it. In Indiana. No way. The guy tried to blow it out. Not going it. Wouldn't even step on it. Wouldn't even stomp on it. He just ran for the hills. All right, there's another one. Oh, boy. Flight instructor jumps to his death during a lesson. An Argentinian. Here they are. Probably because it was during the game. An Argentinian flight instructor jumped out of a plane to his death in the middle of a flying lesson when the team was down 2 0. After telling his student quote, you know what you have to do, and leaving her to land the aircraft by herself. I didn't understand this story because it seems so crazy to me till they got to the pronoun.
- [34:48]
B
Her.
- [34:48]
A
Now I get it. The flight instructor said, you know what to do. And then unbuckled from his seat, removed his headset, opened the plane door and jumped out. The student was left shaken over the traumatic incident, but was commended for her ability to pilot the aircraft safely to the ground. Very clear, decisive, mature and professional, the flying school director said of the woman. She was very shaken, but with complete professionalism, she piloted the plane to the airfield and landed perfectly.
- [35:27]
B
Wow, this guy really put the cock in cockpit.
- [35:32]
A
There it is. Do you know how many men, I mean, just for the ladies listening. Do you know we have to fight the instinct of jumping out of a vehicle after watching you drive sometimes that. And so we all get this a little bit.
- [35:48]
B
I think she must have been extremely annoying. That's, that's what they don't cover in the story is talk, talk to some of her friends, talk to her ex husband.
- [36:00]
A
I would have thought it was part of the test and that he had like a, you know, a parachute that I, you know, on his back, a low profile parachute. And it was like, you know what to do? And you jump out like, can you pass this? Because I remember the first time I was getting certified for scuba. I didn't have to do it again with my daughter because I hadn't been in a scuba outfit in 20 something years. But the first time when I didn't know what was coming, you get down on the bottom and, and this is when we were out in the water now, not in the swimming pool. And you get down on the bottom and he like checks, checks how tight your belt is. All this, blah, blah, blah. And then he gives an okay sign. And then I'm like, man, I'm like, no issues here. And I go, okay. And he reaches over and just rips off my mask and rips the air out of my mouth and throws my mask. And then I'm like, not okay.
- [36:52]
B
Really?
- [36:53]
A
Yeah, that's what they do. And then you have to prioritize what you're going to do first and then, which is obviously your air. And then you have to find your mask on the sand and then put it back on and clear it and then get back to normal. So then I do that and I'm kneeling in front of him again and then he's like, okay. And now I'm like the flinching battered wife. Like, no, no, I'm not okay. Like my hands go up. Like, yeah, maybe I'm okay. Step back three feet.
- [37:24]
B
Jesus.
- [37:26]
A
Yeah.
- [37:27]
B
This guy, the flight instructor, I think he was the guy that worked with the Saudis on 9 11. Because he teaches the takeoffs, but not the landings. They don't need the landing.
- [37:41]
A
It's perfect. You know what to do. You guys know what to do.
- [37:45]
B
You guys know which building.
- [37:46]
A
You know where. You know where you're landing this.
- [37:48]
B
Where do you think the other plane. You know how one of the planes got taken over? Let's. Let's roll. Plane that landed in the field in Pennsylvania. Where do you think that was headed?
- [38:00]
A
You know, we have a bunch of. I think the podcast community, more than any other audience knows the answer to that, because conspiracy theories are very much entertained on podcasts. I don't. I mean, the White House, I don't know.
- [38:15]
B
Could have been Congress. Could have been the White House or. Which is the Capitol.
- [38:19]
A
The White House is very symbolic. Congress would have been more effective, I
- [38:26]
B
think it would have. Yes, yes. Because the. The chances that you're gonna actually kill. I don't want to say this phrase because we'll get flagged. Unalive. The commander in chief would be pretty low. Whereas if you hit the Capitol, you're gonna take out a lot of top dogs.
- [38:48]
A
You could have crashed it last week on the. The fair. America's fair. And I don't have been any casualties. I don't think you would have hit except inside the plane.
- [39:01]
B
What about Larry Ellison?
- [39:03]
A
World's richest. One of the world's richest people. He owns an island in Hawaii. In 2022, he got pulled over on his own island in Hawaii. Based on what is seen on camera, a police officer pulled the tech billionaire over for speeding and failing to come to a complete stop at a stop sign. To his credit, Ellison didn't pull the I own the island card, and he simply acknowledged the mistake and said there was no excuse. The officer treated him like any other motorist, issued a citation, and sent him on his way.
- [39:37]
B
By the way, unrelated, I just saw a promo for 60 Minutes next week. It's an expose on a Hawaiian cop linked to Pizzagate in Epstein's Island. You know he runs 60 minutes, right? Or his son does.
- [39:50]
A
The cop was forced to write an apology and then also forced to kill himself in the town square later that evening.
- [39:58]
B
Yeah. By the way, I looked this up. I looked this up.
- [40:02]
A
It's an old story. You put this in here, what does it. As the footage emerged or.
- [40:08]
B
No, it's funny because I saw it in two different sources, so it's. It's. It's in the zeitgeist for some reason. Okay, so I think the I think the camera footage, the body cam footage just came out.
- [40:20]
A
Oh, maybe it's Ellison now, because he's like public enemy number one. It's like, look, I'm a cool guy. I'm a cool guy. I let the little people take their shots at me.
- [40:30]
B
I remembered that there, there are some countries, European countries, that use a sliding scale on what you get fined, depending on what your net worth is. So in Finland, fines are based on the severity of the offense and the driver's daily disposable income. For example, in 2023, a Finnish businessman made headlines by receiving a $121,000 ticket for speeding.
- [40:57]
A
Geez.
- [40:58]
B
And in Switzerland, they've got the record for the largest known speeding ticket, over $1 million issued to a driver who is doing nearly 180 miles per hour.
- [41:11]
A
Oh, my God.
- [41:13]
B
First of all, if you're going 180, how do you get pulled over? Is the cop going 181?
- [41:20]
A
Maybe they just wait. Yeah, your get your gas doesn't last long at 180 miles an hour.
- [41:25]
B
Jesus. Just Switzerland. Those are like little mountain roads.
- [41:31]
A
That's not all of Switzerland.
- [41:33]
B
Yeah, it is.
- [41:34]
A
So the island is Lanai. I just looked it up and I remember when I was working with George Lopez back in the earlier this century, George had owned a home on Lanai. And as he told it, and then we were told that someone wanted to buy it, and I told them, not a chance, it's not for sale. And then they showed me the offer and I moved out.
- [42:01]
B
Oh, my God, really?
- [42:04]
A
Yep.
- [42:04]
B
Wouldn't you watch George?
- [42:06]
A
He bought everybody out.
- [42:07]
B
But wouldn't you want George Lopez on your island? He's like one of the most fun guys. And you play golf with him, you drink with him, he's funny.
- [42:15]
A
Well, that cop would be very busy with DUIs.
- [42:18]
B
Ah, yes. Ah, yes. Speaking of ethical questions, it's time.
- [42:26]
A
Here we go. Crinkle that. Okay. All right. Here, I'll just read them. I think the workmen at my condo are being exploited. What should I do? Sub has the sub headline is, many of us suspect they are undocumented and being underpaid. So I read a little about this, and it's. They're housing the workers who are working on the condo and the surrounding areas, and they work seven days a week, including Christmas and long hours.
- [43:05]
B
Well, I guess if you were to go back to whatever country they're from, you would have to weigh it against what life would be like there, right?
- [43:20]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [43:22]
B
I mean, for some people, it's a way of saving enough money and sending it home that you can create a better way of life. Because I'm just saying it as a pragmatist. I don't think you can go in and talk to the foreman and go, hey, give this guy off. Give this guy Christmas off. And how about a little bump? That's not going to work. So, I mean, look, the Irish came to this country, the Chinese came to this country, laid down railroad tracks seven days a week. And. And look at them now. Now they got laundromats.
- [43:54]
A
They talk about this. How should we balance our concern for these men with the risk of putting them in the crosshairs?
- [44:03]
B
Well, what about these women that work at these massage parlors giving out the happy endings? And then the cops bust it and they arrest the women. Like, how about the guys? Why are you going after the women? They've got no money.
- [44:18]
A
Coupon. Coupon? Is that what you yelled?
- [44:23]
B
Yes, I have a coupon.
- [44:26]
A
Hold on. Let me find the other. Some other ones. Here we go. My sister insists that she cannot work. Should I pay her bills? I want to help, but I worry my financial support may enable her rather than help her.
- [44:43]
B
I mean, I think I'd need some details. Is it medically related? Is she incapable of work? If she's just lazy, then I think you're enabling her. But if she's got a condition that keeps her from working, okay, she should support her.
- [44:59]
A
She's nearing the end of a brutal divorce and is struggling financially and emotionally. During the divorce, we learned that she had misrepresented her employment for more than a decade to her spouse and to her family. She has not worked for years and is now thousands of dollars in debt from legal fees and years without income.
- [45:18]
B
Yeah, she's on her own. I mean, you can loan her some money, but you gotta understand, when you loan somebody money like that, you're not getting it back, but you can. It's better to call it a loan, you know?
- [45:31]
A
Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.
- [45:33]
B
Then you can hang it over their head and they'll do things for you.
- [45:38]
A
All right, last one. My awful mother is getting Alzheimer's. What do I owe? What do I owe her? And then the sub headline is, the thought of having her live with me makes me physically sick. This is the New York Times.
- [45:59]
B
Well, you know, it depends. Does this person have money for a nursing home? That's the question. Because you got to love somebody a lot to care for them when they have Alzheimer's because they're constantly forgetting who you are. And then you start to. Then it gets existential. You can sometimes forget who you are when they don't remember who you are. And it becomes kind of like a. Like a cycle.
- [46:25]
A
This is interesting. I'm going to read it. You ready? I am the eldest of three middle aged siblings and by far the most stable. Our parents divorced when we were young and both were neglectful and emotionally abusive. My mother once kicked me out at 17 because her boyfriend told her to choose between him and me. My siblings have always been closer to her and she has always favored them. In my 30s, I managed to establish a distant but civil relationship with both parents. I see my mother about once every two years and speak to her regular. Speak to her roughly once a month. Now in her 80s, my mother is showing signs of Alzheimer's. Her husband recently told me that if he dies first, I will be responsible for her care. I don't think I can do it. The thought of having her live with me makes me physically sick. My siblings are unlikely to help. Since that conversation almost a year ago, I have thought about this every day. What, if anything, do I owe my mother?
- [47:25]
B
I don't know. I mean, the thing is, homeless services are so good right now. Like, you can. You can get three hot meals a day and a bed to sleep in, you know, for an.
- [47:38]
A
For a dementia person.
- [47:40]
B
Yeah, she'll be okay. Just turn around on the street.
- [47:45]
A
Well, if you're good to her or you're bad to her, she's not going to remember either.
- [47:52]
B
Right?
- [47:53]
A
So that makes the choice a little easier.
- [47:56]
B
Yeah. I mean, my friend Sneaky Pete, growing up, he was one of my best friends. And I used to sleep over his house, like at least a couple nights a week. I slept over there. They had a pool table. Parents let us drink beer.
- [48:10]
A
Oh my God.
- [48:13]
B
He had like six siblings. It was just a party all the time. And anyway, he had a grandmother who had Alzheimer's. Like, bad. Like, didn't know who we were, didn't know who her son was.
- [48:25]
A
They were her beers.
- [48:31]
B
And no, she. She drank beer with us. She used to drink beer and they literally just let her live in the house. Like, there was no caretaker. Both parents worked. She was alone all day every day. And me and Pete would be around and we'd talk to her and we'd hang out with her, but then we'd leave and she'd be home alone in a bathrobe all the time.
- [48:57]
A
Yeah, absolutely.
- [48:59]
B
I look back on that, I think that I didn't even know what dementia was back then. Or, you know, Alzheimer's. I just knew that his grandmother had no idea who anybody was.
- [49:08]
A
Louis CK's new special on Netflix, I highly recommend.
- [49:12]
B
Very good.
- [49:13]
A
It's not his best of all time, but there are some real high points. And anyway, one is a routine on putting your parent in a home, and it's very, very good. Yeah, they just take them. They just take them, like.
- [49:28]
B
Yeah.
- [49:29]
A
So that's what this. That's what has to happen here. She probably can't afford a home, though. But something like that has to happen.
- [49:36]
B
Yeah. One of the lines was like, when I visit him. Well, I mean, once.
- [49:47]
A
There's also. It's been set of few ways that are very, very funny, but that. How good security is there? Like, with, you know, the. The gate and the guards out front and. And it's like, wow, this place, you know, is so secure. You must feel like, you know, all this security is great, you know, keeping. Keeping out anyone that would want to come in. He's like, yeah, that might not be. That might not be what the security is for. It might be keeping them in.
- [50:15]
B
Yeah. No, he shows up and they're like, do you know where my mother is? I don't know. Just fucking talk to anybody. They have no idea who you are. You know what I like about the special is, it's not. I mean, he's always been very dressed down. Like, literally dressed down. You know, he wears shitty clothes on stage. There's no fancy backdrop. It's a. It's a blue velvet curtain. There's footlights there. There's no intro. He just literally walks on stage, does an hour. No standing ovation at the end, which. You can control that.
- [50:56]
A
Right.
- [50:56]
B
You can juice the crowd to give you a standing O. But he. I don't think he wants that. That wasn't the energy. He was going. He wasn't going for a kill. Like, sometimes I feel like killing at the end has kind of become hacky. Like, oh, you're gonna trick him into a big finale. Like you're a fucking acrobat or something.
- [51:16]
A
Yeah. Or like someone like. I mean, separate the guy now. But Cosby used to have an artful way of bringing it all back to closure and sewing up material he had done earlier, like, in a very. In a very well orchestrated finish.
- [51:33]
B
Right. But it's very. There's hard jokes. There's a lot of hard jokes, but it's mixed in with just musings. Very philosophical, like, very Woody Allen in some ways.
- [51:47]
A
Yeah.
- [51:48]
B
Like, there's a. There's a Piece that's. It's an act out where he's in a movie theater and he's talking about what it's like to leave a movie theater in the middle of the movie. And it was so Woody Allen.
- [52:00]
A
Yeah, I forgot about that one. Yeah. I have to watch it again also because. Because I remember thinking during it, I'm like, oh, my God. That is like that. A lot of people won't like that. That was pretty edgy. There's some very, very edgy things in it, for sure.
- [52:15]
B
All right, let's speak of edgy. Let's get to entertainment.
- [52:18]
A
All righty.
- [52:19]
B
In the news, Ellen DeGeneres was not, I repeat, not invited to Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's wedding, despite swift appearing on DeGeneres Show 19 times.
- [52:34]
A
Wow.
- [52:35]
B
The talk show host was surprisingly left off the massive guest list for their star studded ceremony in Manhattan. Well, in Taylor's defense, There were only 1200 guests invited, so you got to make a cut somewhere.
- [52:51]
A
You know what's weird is I know nothing. I didn't follow up. I had no interest. Were there any. Was it pretty private or is like, has it been taken apart and dissected by everybody?
- [53:04]
B
I have no idea. I don't. I really.
- [53:05]
A
Who did? Was there entertainment? Was there a funny toast? What happened at it?
- [53:12]
B
I bet Jeff Ross performed.
- [53:15]
A
Jeff? Was Jeff Ross there?
- [53:18]
B
No, but he's. That's the kind of thing you'd find out that Jeff gave a toast that, you know.
- [53:22]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [53:24]
B
But Dakota Johnson was invited.
- [53:29]
A
What does that mean?
- [53:30]
B
You don't remember? There was that. There was a big incident between Ellen and Dakota Johnson where Dakota was on the show and she told Ellen, yeah, I was at my birthday party and blah, blah, blah. And Ellen went, I wasn't invited. And Dakota said, no, you were invited.
- [53:46]
A
Oh, right.
- [53:47]
B
No, I wasn't. She's like, no, you definitely were. And it. Ellen did not look good in that one. I mean, look, in Taylor's defense, I bet she was afraid Ellen would want to make a toast and do 40 minutes on muffin tops.
- [54:02]
A
You know when you walk into a screen door and you pretend you did it on purpose? Yeah.
- [54:08]
B
I've an owl outside my window. Yeah, she's okay over there.
- [54:20]
A
I need to blow my nose. I have some irritant. I have nothing to blow my nose with. But no, we're good.
- [54:25]
B
Jesus.
- [54:27]
A
Oh, I found something. Here we go, everybody. Don't worry about it.
- [54:32]
B
Nice.
- [54:32]
A
A tickle at my nose. A little tickle. Okay, all right. Crinkle. Let's Make America. Florida. Florida man fights off alligator using fishing pole and wild struggle. No gator's gonna run or no gator's gonna. What is it?
- [54:51]
B
Run me out?
- [54:52]
A
No gator is going to run me off. That's what the. That's literally in the headline. 71 year old James Grayson McKen McMicken. God damn, they make this hard to read. But anyway, he sounds just like I just did. His voice. He was trying to fish outside his Fort Myers home with his bulldog, a canal when the thing jumped out of the water and bit down on his leg. I started reeling it, jumped out of the water and grabbed me. He rolled me down off the bank into the water. I stuck my thumb in one eye. I just took that fishing pole and jabbed him in that other eye and jabbed him and jabbed him and jabbed him, he recalled. But it was his bulldog that helped him survive the whole thing. I'd have never made it crawling this far. So I called my dog over, he recalled. The dog must have been like, what? I'm busy. Like, yeah, I'm trying to fucking, you know, bite this other thing over here. She stood there and let me get up on her back to where I could get stood up. He managed to get himself back to his home before having sat down in his chair and passed out.
- [56:02]
B
Which is. Which is. That's where a Florida man belongs, by the way. Passed out in a chair. That's the only place that we're safe from them.
- [56:13]
A
I can't believe this guy even lived to give an interview. Just that interview was something else, though. But I can't believe he didn't get into a death roll if it had a hold of him.
- [56:24]
B
Yeah, that's amazing. Well, I'd hate to be a Florida man dog, which is another role. There's Florida man and there's Florida man's dog. And think of the shit that you have to do to help out your master. When you're a Florida man dog. You got. You're going to get shot. Oh, you're going to definitely going to eat some methamphetamines by accident.
- [56:48]
A
It's not what the dog signed up for. Let's be. I mean, that's very, very clear.
- [56:53]
B
Yeah.
- [56:54]
A
All right. We're going to make America Florida again. This time it's a Florida wo man. She pulls a gun on solicitor near her house. Quote, I will bleeping kill you. A woman in Florida was so upset that a pest control solicitor was on her property that she pulled a gun and now she's facing charges. She's 62 years old and a salesman, you know, I'm on her side. The salesman was riding a hoverboard and going door to door near her home around 1pm she was driving her SUV, approached a salesman, rolled down her window and pointed a handgun at him. If you come back to my house, I will bleep and kill you. Ross allegedly told the salesman. I'll bleep shoot you. Frightened by the threat, the salesman put his hands in the air and rode away on his stupid little hoverboard, snapping photos of her car as she drove off. He then called police and hid nearby until the officers arrived. Lucky he would go fishing with a dog.
- [58:04]
B
Yeah. Now I think he. It doesn't sound like he was a pest control guy. It sounds like he was a pest.
- [58:11]
A
This is ridiculous.
- [58:12]
B
She's pest control rolled up.
- [58:16]
A
She wasn't even home. This is preventative.
- [58:21]
B
Yeah, yeah. Door to door salespeople, you don't used to get that a lot. Do you remember when we were younger how often somebody would knock on your. Not just the people talking about Jesus, but like, you know, realtors would come by and ask if you wanted to sell your house. Water filter people, all that water filter, solar panel people. But I feel like it doesn't. I think that, I think that being. Having a gun pulled on you started to become more normal. So I think it cut down on the door to door sales stuff. There was less. There was less divorcees and bathrobes and more lunatics with guns.
- [59:00]
A
Is it cuz I'm older, I feel it's more invasive now. Like if you knock on my door.
- [59:07]
B
Yes, right.
- [59:09]
A
Like it feels more threatening.
- [59:11]
B
Well, because everything's online now, so it's just, it's weird to have any. My mother told me when she was a kid the. They used to bring ice, they used to bring.
- [59:23]
A
These are the old people stories we're not going to have soon. Go ahead.
- [59:26]
B
They used to bring milk. They used to come by and collect life insurance once a month and you'd Give the guy $3 or whatever it was. A lot of your bills were paid to a bill collector who came by the house on a regular basis.
- [59:44]
A
Wow. Yeah.
- [59:48]
B
Did I ever tell you the story about the girl selling magazines?
- [59:53]
A
It's hard to tell from that description.
- [59:55]
B
This is a 100% true story that I'm extremely proud of. When I look back on my life and I think about the good fortune I've had and circumstances that played out nicely. All right, so I'm A comedian. I've been doing it for about maybe three years. And so I used to as you. As you know, I used to drive down from Boston to New York about three days a week for like two or three years. I did that every week. I split my week between Boston and New York. And a lot of times I stayed with you and Dan Brickner and Jerry. And then some nights I would stay at my mom's house, which is about a half hour outside the city. So I'm in my mom's house, she's off at work. I'm alone in this house. And this is a nice middle class house in a suburb.
- [60:43]
A
Just cranking it to the showcase girls on Price is Right.
- [60:46]
B
Janice sitting at the table eating some cereal. Doorbell rings. I open it and it's a girl selling magazines. And she's from the Midwest. It's one of these like pyramid scheme things where they get teenagers to sell magazines. And so I said, I'm sorry. I look at her list of magazines, I go, I'm not really interested in any of these. And she goes, you live here? And I was like, suddenly like, I. A light switch went on. I went, yeah, this is my house. And she goes, wow, you're young to have a house. I said, well, I'm a comedian. I'm pretty successful. I said, do you want to come in and have some coffee? So I made her some coffee and we hung out. And then I said, she goes, can I see your stand up? Do you have any video? I said, yeah. So we went into the TV room and I put in like a five minute set that I had of me doing stand up. And she was from the Midwest, so this was a big deal. She did this back when nobody was a stand up comedian like that. It was a thing nobody did.
- [61:51]
A
Right. Like when she was abducted back, back home, it wasn't like a star like you who then locked her in a home.
- [61:58]
B
It was a pest control guy.
- [61:59]
A
Yeah.
- [62:00]
B
And so we start to make out on the couch. And then she goes, I have to go to the bathroom. She went to the bathroom and then I led her upstairs. I went into my brother's room and I got a condom and I was having sex with her. And when we finished, she looked at my wallpaper and she goes, why do you have race cars on your wallpaper? I go, I just, I'm a race car guy. I, I love Formula one. It was like my childhood wallpaper. It was like we were on a twin bed and it's supposed to be my house. So she Leaves. She leaves. And then, like, maybe an hour, she had to go meet the bus so they could go to the next part of town. So about an hour later, I get a call from my buddy Tommy Bucci. And he goes. He goes, you're not gonna believe it, but this, like, pretty hot chick just showed up to my house selling magazines. And I invited her in, and, you know, I bought, like, three magazines, and I hit on her, but then she just left. I was like, yeah, I know her. And I didn't buy any magazines.
- [63:14]
A
What do you mean? Why do I have race car posters? It matches my race car bed that you're in right now. Oh, my God.
- [63:23]
B
That's maybe the greatest thing that. I mean, look, I've had kids. There was great joy in having children. The moment I got married was amazing. But this. That might have been the best moment of my life.
- [63:34]
A
That's unbelievable that you converted that.
- [63:37]
B
Wow. Yep.
- [63:39]
A
All right, let's do this. Day in history.
- [63:41]
B
Okay.
- [63:42]
A
Crinkle. You just say, okay. All right. Give or take 400 years.
- [63:49]
B
Oh, God.
- [63:50]
A
It's Lady Godiva's legendary ride happened on this day. According to legend, Lady Godiva rode horseback naked through the village of Coventry to fulfill an agreement with her husband, the Earl of America. I didn't know there was America. Oh, sorry. Mercia. Me, R, C, I, E. What's with
- [64:12]
B
your reading skills today?
- [64:14]
A
I don't know what's going on today. It's a kingdom in what is now England. I like. I wish it was America. Anyway, it was to reduce the heavy taxes imposed on their people. Also, part of the legend was this was the first Peeping Tom. So it's kind of a myth story, but they have a year, give or take 400 years. Greg, when was Lady Godiva's ride?
- [64:40]
B
I remember. Wasn't part of the myth that she did it. And out of respect, nobody in the town looked. And then one guy did, and I think they. They beat him up there. They. They punished him for looking. I don't know if they killed him,
- [64:56]
A
but was his name Tom?
- [64:58]
B
Yes. Tom o'. Neill.
- [65:00]
A
Oh, boy.
- [65:01]
B
It was a guy.
- [65:03]
A
What year is this?
- [65:04]
B
I'm going to go. I mean, look, a big year in English history. Oliver Cromwell and all that was around 1100. So just because you give me such a wide berth, I'm going to go 1100.
- [65:15]
A
You're closer to this than you are other guesses.
- [65:18]
B
It's 10, 40, 60 years.
- [65:21]
A
That's it.
- [65:22]
B
That was amazing.
- [65:24]
A
Pretty great.
- [65:25]
B
Okay.
- [65:26]
A
All right. There's two dates in this story. But it's about the Volkswagen, the Beetle, and when did ended production. But it also told us the first model and when it was introduced. So first we're going to do when the Volkswagen Beetle was first introduced, give or take seven years.
- [65:49]
B
Introduced to Germany or introduced to America, because those are two different dates.
- [65:54]
A
True. I think this was first introduced ever.
- [66:00]
B
Okay, well, it was a word. It was. It was called the people's car. That's what Volkswagen means. And it was developed by Hitler so people would have an affordable transportation. So that would have been in 1939.
- [66:17]
A
1938.
- [66:21]
B
Nice.
- [66:23]
A
Okay, now, when did Volkswagen end production of the Beetle? That's exactly how it's phrased. Give or take 10 years.
- [66:33]
B
Well, it was very big in the 60s and then the bug was around until I'm going to say 1976.
- [66:42]
A
2019.
- [66:44]
B
What? Oh, you're talking about the refurbished Bug.
- [66:48]
A
I don't know. They have a picture of an old red Beetle.
- [66:52]
B
I think there was a gap. I think they ended production in the 70s and then they started it back up again, give or take five years.
- [66:59]
A
When was Russian politician Boris Yelston sworn into office as Russia's first elected president?
- [67:09]
B
19. Well, 91. He was out, so probably 86.
- [67:16]
A
Oh, my God. I shouldn't give it to you. I said five years, but it was 1991.
- [67:23]
B
Oh, that's when he came in. That's when he.
- [67:26]
A
How'd you get that?
- [67:27]
B
Because we were right out of college and it was the end of. It was glassnost. It was the end of the Cold
- [67:35]
A
War, give or take four years. When did the Rolling Stones top the US Charts for the first time with a single called I Can get no, which is in parentheses. Satisfaction.
- [67:52]
B
How many years you give me?
- [67:53]
A
I'm a. I'm going to give you. I thought I said four, give or take four years.
- [67:59]
B
That's easy. 1964.
- [68:03]
A
1965.
- [68:05]
B
Thank you.
- [68:10]
A
That's interesting. The three point seat belt for cars. But we're not going to do that. Let's end on one. Here we go. Wyoming. We have people that friends that live there was admitted as the United States 44th state.
- [68:26]
B
Wow.
- [68:27]
A
It was also, you know, they call it the suffragette state. It was the first. Was the first in the world. That's weird. To grant full voting rights to women as well as allowed them to hold public office. But when you read about that story, the reason they did that is they wanted to give more power to the cities and take it away from the ranchers. And the women were in the city. So Anyway, what year was Wyoming admitted into the United states as the 44th state, give or take 20 years.
- [69:02]
B
All right, so the first. The 13 colonies were around in the mid-1700s.
- [69:10]
A
This sounds like a long answer.
- [69:11]
B
Early 18, I'm going to say 18. 1861.
- [69:18]
A
Nope. 1890.
- [69:20]
B
You gave me 40 years, didn't you?
- [69:22]
A
I thought I gave you 20 years.
- [69:24]
B
Oh, all right. Well, I missed one. I got all the other ones very close on the other ones. By the way, this was a good day for me.
- [69:31]
A
Yeah, you're 60 years away on Lady Godiva. Strong move.
- [69:35]
B
All right, all right, let's move on. Let's get to the funny. Oh, no obituaries. Nobody died.
- [69:44]
A
Oh, wait, someone died yesterday. Oh, Bonnie Tyler.
- [69:53]
B
Oh, really?
- [69:54]
A
Total Eclipse of the Heart.
- [69:56]
B
Oh, that's. There was a. There was. There was a comedian in Boston who was a total hack. He was a guitar comic, and he used to sing that song. But instead of total. It's A Total Eclipse of My Heart, he would sing. I totally shit when I fart.
- [70:16]
A
Oh, really?
- [70:17]
B
Yeah.
- [70:18]
A
We had a guy who was on, like, Chinese Idol. I don't know if that's what it was called. But when. Oh, spinner. George Lopez, back when I was on Lopez's show. Anyway, it was a real coup. Everyone was trying to book him because he had this amazing voice, and he was one of those, like, you know, standout performers on one of these singing shows where you're sent home, where you survive. And so we got him, and he comes here, and his big showstopper was Total Eclipse of the Heart.
- [70:49]
B
Really?
- [70:51]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I forgot who we got to sing it with him anyway, whatever it was. So I remember then going to his manager and I go, okay, so we have the song loaded and prompter, and he's like, what's that? And I go, we have the lyrics, you know, in case he's nervous. His first time on American television, he's like, he can't read English. And I'm like, oh, okay. But, like, when he's singing and the manager goes, he has no idea what this song means. He just knows the sounds. Oh, okay. Well, it'll be. It'll be a prompter, anyway.
- [71:28]
B
Yeah, she was from. She was Welsh. Tyler. Yeah.
- [71:36]
A
Yeah.
- [71:38]
B
All right, let's cheer up, because that was a rough one.
- [71:41]
A
Sure was.
- [71:42]
B
Let's get to the funnies and cheer it up as maybe.
- [71:45]
A
Maybe a paper crinkle. I mean, you're pretty bad at our high tech. Yeah.
- [71:51]
B
As you know, every week we have a contest. It's Called the Comedy Caption Contest. We give you one frame of a comic strip. You write your punch lines, you send them into fitzdogradiomail.com we select a handful, we read them, we pick a winner, and we send you. It was. We were sending you a koozie, and now we're going to do certificates of achievements with your name on it, and we're going to send that in, right?
- [72:17]
A
Yeah. I mean, I like the idea, and it's been already created for us.
- [72:20]
B
Yeah. Last week's comic was a judge sitting at the bench, and there is a lawyer talking to him standing next to a man in handcuffs. And Sean from Ontario said, you, Honor, my client only supplied the lube for Mr. Combs.
- [72:42]
A
Okay. Is that just picking a notorious case and applying it to a courtroom?
- [72:48]
B
I believe so. Tim Dilly said, your Honor, my client swears that if he had the koozies, he would have sent the koozies. He simply ran out.
- [72:57]
A
I'm handcuffed for not sending koozies. I don't have. Okay.
- [73:02]
B
Chris Wolf said, your Honor, my client was assured his sex robot was at least 18.
- [73:09]
A
So what would you have done on this one? What would you have sort of rolled up your sleeves and focused on.
- [73:22]
B
I probably would have gone current. I would have taken something out of the news.
- [73:25]
A
No, but, like, he's handcuffed. Isn't that. And the lawyer's kind of gesturing towards the handcuffs and there's movement.
- [73:34]
B
Yeah.
- [73:35]
A
On the cuffed hands. Okay. I mean, my first. And you would reject. Your first impulse would have been like, he can't place his hand on the Bible. Or, you know, so, you know, that's a bad example, but something. All right, go ahead. All right.
- [73:49]
B
Okay. Bruce Wise, who did today's. Did he do today? He did today's song. Damn. Your Honor, you bang that gavel almost as hard as I banged your wife.
- [74:04]
A
I mean, it's similar to the song. That's quite an effort, Bruce. Thank you.
- [74:10]
B
Jim said, florida man versus dea, your Honor. Makes it legal for him to have a crack pipe.
- [74:17]
A
Okay. Jim.
- [74:19]
B
Sonia said, your Honor, I know he's guilty, but I think you should revoke his red card.
- [74:24]
A
All right. All right. Topical.
- [74:27]
B
Michael said he opened fire inside a bank. Lawyer said it was a sperm bank. And that's the. That's not the type of shooting he did in there.
- [74:36]
A
Okay. This is a tough one. We're learning. This is a real tough one.
- [74:40]
B
Yeah. It's funny, I never know which ones people are going to struggle with sometimes, if they're too Generic. It's not good. They need something more specific.
- [74:50]
A
Yeah.
- [74:52]
B
So look again. We applaud the efforts, you guys. And a lot of these are funny. Let's pick one.
- [75:00]
A
No, let's get back to them. We'll get back to you guys. Let's do that. We'll get back to them on this. We have a lot of thinking to do on this one.
- [75:09]
B
Yeah, yeah, we're gonna. We're gonna run it through the.
- [75:13]
A
We're gonna have a meeting. We're gonna have a podcast meeting on Wednesday about this.
- [75:17]
B
Next week's comic is much more specific. There is a snow. Let's say, woman laying on her back in a hospital room. There is a delivering surgeon standing at the bottom of her. And then there's a snowman standing over, like, the happy father.
- [75:38]
A
Yeah.
- [75:38]
B
And the doctor is talking to the snow woman, who, again, is laying on her back.
- [75:45]
A
Oh, he's talking to them. Maybe. Sure.
- [75:47]
B
Yeah, talking to them.
- [75:49]
A
All right.
- [75:50]
B
Okay. Yeah, send them in to fitzdog radiomail.com. do me a favor. Put your name right underneath your joke. Thank you so much for your concern. All right, let's get to the pros. Uh, Hagar the Horrible is sitting there with Helga, his wife. The daughter is walking out the door, kind of dolled up. She's got on a tight skirt. Her yellow hair is falling off her back. And she goes, I'm off to the farmer's market. And then Hagar says to Helga, I hope she doesn't come home with a farmer.
- [76:22]
A
That would be.
- [76:24]
B
That would be the best case scenario for your daughter walking into town during the medieval times.
- [76:32]
A
That's true. But, boy, the comics are challenging today. Yeah, let's hope the Foghorns can. The Leghorns. What are their names?
- [76:42]
B
The Lockhorns were strong, closing with a really strong one with them. He's combing his hair. He looks frustrated. Loretta goes, is parting such sweet sorrow.
- [76:58]
A
Okay, come on.
- [76:59]
B
It's a Shakespeare reference in the Sunday paper.
- [77:02]
A
Is Shakespeare said that. I got a brush up on it.
- [77:05]
B
Yeah. Romeo and Juliet.
- [77:07]
A
Oh, right.
- [77:10]
B
Scene two, the balcony scene. All right, Leroy's sitting on a chair. Loretta's dressed to go out. He goes, I can't go to your nephew's birthday party, Loretta. I just took some aspirin, and the bottle says, keep away from children.
- [77:27]
A
Pretty clever.
- [77:29]
B
That's really clever. Yeah.
- [77:31]
A
It reminds me a little of David Brenner's joke, which is, he went to the bathroom in the restaurant and said, employees must watch hands. He's like, but I waited A half hour and no one came to wash my hands.
- [77:44]
B
Yeah, they're sitting at dinner with some company. They're holding hands, praying. And then Leroy says, before we eat, we pray for the food we are about to receive. Afterwards, we may not be so grateful.
- [78:01]
A
I love it. All right, do we want a little onion?
- [78:05]
B
Yeah, let's onion it up.
- [78:07]
A
All right. Here's the onion. I like this one. This week it is. You don't need to see anything. It's just a Republican speaking at a lectern. And it's. GOP allies claim they met with Mitch McConnell inside body bag.
- [78:24]
B
Dude. What is going on with that? Is Mitch McConnell alive?
- [78:30]
A
So a really funny. Let me try to find him. It's one of the representatives. God. I got to remember his name from. He might be. He's either Nashville or Memphis. And he just posted. He was one of the black guys. He's Nashville. He was one of the black guys kicked out. Oh, no. He could be Memphis. Anyway, he was kicked out, famously, after the school shooting, because he was one of the ones like, we are not continuing business as usual. We. We got to get legislation for our gun problem. Blah, blah, blah. He was kicked out. Anyway. They are trying to take away his districts. I don't know if you. You know, Tennessee gerrymandered the last district, so there's a chance that there. There's a chance that there's going to be no black representatives.
- [79:17]
B
It's very, very bad in a very black place.
- [79:20]
A
Yeah, well. Yeah. Especially out of Memphis. So he go. He goes. He just took the liberty to say. He goes. I talked to McConnell this week, I'm happy to say, and he wants to stop this big bill of Trump's, and he wants to. He says he's sorry. He said he was sorry to me for the racist gerrymandering and redistricting in Tennessee, and he wishes me well in the election. He just made up his conversation, Larry.
- [79:51]
B
Yes.
- [79:52]
A
Which was. I thought so funny.
- [79:54]
B
Yeah. Um. Yeah, I. I don't understand what. What is it about being a politician that you don't want to retire ever? You know, I mean, you look at, like, what's her name? Who is the Supreme Court justice Who's. Ruth Bader Ginsburg?
- [80:11]
A
Yeah.
- [80:12]
B
Stayed along, too. Joe Biden stayed around too long. Mitch McConnell. Like, don't you. You have tons of money. Don't you want to just fish or play golf or, like, hang out with your grandchildren?
- [80:25]
A
No. I know.
- [80:26]
B
It's a tough life.
- [80:27]
A
It's a retirement home. Someone called it, rather accurately, actually, all
- [80:32]
B
right, so here we go. Blondie and dad, are you looking at this strip?
- [80:38]
A
No, I was trying to look up Justin Pearson. All right, let's do it.
- [80:41]
B
All right, so Dagwood has Blondie in his arms. Her arms are around him, so there's a kiss sign above their head. And he goes, I'm off to work, honey. And she goes, bye, dear. Second frame, they are making out. He has his tongue down her throat. The dog is looking up at them like, are you guys gonna fuck? And then she goes, shouldn't you be going with a heart emoji? And he goes, this is worth being late for.
- [81:10]
A
Craig, your dream came true.
- [81:12]
B
I think I. He's closing. Dagwood is closing. Is this even. Even? The dog is. He's breaking the fourth wall and he's going like, is this really happening?
- [81:23]
A
Yeah. The dog's looking at us like, what is going on?
- [81:26]
B
Right.
- [81:27]
A
Yeah.
- [81:27]
B
I mean, part of me is so proud of him. Relieved for her. There's a lot of jealousy going on. I don't know what to feel about this.
- [81:40]
A
I think he took. He woke up a little like 4am Couldn't get back to sleep. Took too much Ambien. And he is in just an altered state right now. This is very unlike him.
- [81:50]
B
Yeah, I mean, it's a. It's. Hopefully they don't have to walk past the kitchen to get up to the bath to the bed.
- [81:56]
A
Yeah, he's gonna blow it. Really? We should think about how he's gonna blow it.
- [82:00]
B
Yeah, I should have re. I should have written the final frame. Don't forget, don't blow it. Get on Cowshi and if you put in code soccer10, you'll get $10 when you start trading with $10. Also try miracle.compapers and you're gonna get yourself 40% off. Thank you guys for listening and anything you want to plug Mike, Huh?
- [82:28]
A
I don't think so. I started. I will find you. I think it's the number two rated show on Netflix in the country. I don't. I don't know if I'm recommending it, though. It's. It's a little weird.
- [82:42]
B
What's it called?
- [82:44]
A
I think it's called I will find you.
- [82:46]
B
Oh, I got a great one. It's just a three part documentary series. It's called Kings of Tupelo and it's. Tupelo is where Elvis is from. And it's these fucking crazy guys from Mississippi who. I'm not even going to tell you what it's about. I'm just going to implore you to check out what's going on in Tupelo, Mississippi.
- [83:13]
A
And where does one find this?
- [83:14]
B
It's on Netflix.
- [83:15]
A
All right, all right.
- [83:17]
B
We'll talk about it next week.
- [83:18]
A
Okay, everybody, take a great week.
- [83:21]
B
Take it. Ash. I.
- [83:26]
A
Paper Podcast.
- [83:29]
B
Monday.
- [83:32]
A
Paper Podcast Sunday.
- [83:37]
B
Ole.
- [83:39]
A
Paper Podcast.