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- [00:00]
A
I wrote a little song to remind you. Choice hotels get you more of the experiences you value. The Cambria Hotel's got it all. A rooftop bar. Have a ball. Cocktails up here feel just right. It's Cambria.
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B
Amazing.
- [00:19]
A
All right, bring a date, your teen, or even your mom.
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B
Book direct@ChoiceHotels.com See you on the roof.
- [00:30]
A
Hi, Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Are you looking for a beach read this summer? May I suggest your big wireless bill? It's got suspense, mystery, a slightly flat emotional arc, and a shocking twist where you realize you've been overpaying the entire time. Fortunately, though, Mint's story is better. Every plan, $15 a month, even unlimited. That's it. Happy ending, zero tears. Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment
- [00:53]
B
of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for a 12 month plan. Required $15 per month. Equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes.
- [00:59]
A
Me slow. When network is busy, see Terms, Sunday papers, podcast. Read all about it. Read all about it. Coming to you live. Almost not live. One of us almost died on the pch. On a. On a scooter.
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B
It's a motorcycle. I gave my scooter away.
- [01:27]
A
Okay. Yeah.
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B
By the way, giving a scooter away or a motor, like to. Especially to a friend and his sons, you know, it's just fingers crossed. You know what I mean?
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A
It's kind of a sore subject because you had promised it to me and then you gave it to somebody else. So it's really me and Owen that should be in danger right now.
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B
Right. And I would. Maybe. I like you more. And so, yes, that's. You could read into it that way. Where is my. My little mic cover? I don't know where that is. Hope I don't pop my peas too much.
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A
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. So what happened? Why were you late? We're taping a half hour late. Even though I told you I have a stand up comedy show in Pittsburgh tonight. So now I'm gonna run, literally run from here to the club and get right on stage.
- [02:16]
B
Pittsburgh, buddy. Did you go to the museum? And by museum, I mean we're Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs as the. The pit. The torture pit in the middle of his basement.
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A
I did not. With signs of the Lambs shot in Pittsburgh.
- [02:29]
B
They shot that scene. That house is there. We've covered this. And a set designer from New York bought the house, made the pit because it didn't Literally have the pit, but it was the house that they shot in, and he made it an Airbnb.
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A
I feel like I know every foot of that house because that scene is so, so intense. Just where you're in the front door. Walk straight over kitchens on the left, down the stairs on the other side of the kitchen.
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B
Oh, nice.
- [03:01]
A
But it's. It's. You know, Pittsburgh's a good town, man. It's. It's physically beautiful. It's lush. There's bridges everywhere. It's hilly. Tons of little rivers. And. And the people are great. They're not. They're not thin people.
- [03:21]
B
They're sturdy.
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A
They're sturdy, they're rugged. And it is amazing because, like, you talk to people and half of their parents or their grandparents worked in either coal mines or the railroad or in steel. Like, there. This was a union town.
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B
Oh, yeah.
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A
And now there's just, like, no unions left.
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B
I know. Even less steel left.
- [03:49]
A
Bruce Springs.
- [03:50]
B
These are no fires, so we're not doing this story. There are no fires, but Italy is on fire now.
- [03:57]
A
Spain's on fire.
- [04:00]
B
So listen, take this with a grain of salt. This is. This is Instagram, but they're talking about. The footage shows vast inferno sweeping through the island as dramatic fires scorched the Sicilian hills around Biovina in the central. Blah, blah, blah. The collapse of our one and only livable climate is accelerating. Take action. So clearly this is trying to get us to act. Then they have a paragraph called the risks. Okay, here's the risks. Actuaries are now warning that at 3 degrees Celsius or more of heating by 2050, there could be more than. How many deaths would you guess?
- [04:41]
A
This says like a million.
- [04:43]
B
Four billion.
- [04:46]
A
Oh, it's over. It's finally over. I am so sick of life. I'm sick of the petty squabbling. I'm tired of people being ignorant. Let it end. I mean, because the thing is, I can't fix it. This podcast is not going to change minds.
- [05:04]
B
It might.
- [05:05]
A
So let's. Let's just fold.
- [05:08]
B
So in addition to 4 billion deaths, keep in mind I told you I'm reading an Instagram activist post. There would be significant socio political fragmentation, worldwide failure of states with resulting rapid, enduring and significant loss of capital extinction events. If it's 2 degrees Celsius by 2050, which in parentheses, they added the word guaranteed, that's 2 billion deaths anyway.
- [05:38]
A
How many billion people are there on Earth?
- [05:40]
B
Both scenarios are 20 to 40 times worse than both world wars combined.
- [05:47]
A
Yeah, so that's 2 billion is a Lot more than the two world wars. Yeah.
- [05:53]
B
Yeah. 20 to 40 times as many.
- [05:55]
A
Yeah. Wait a minute. How many. How many billion people are on Earth? Earth, I'm looking that up right now. How many people alive?
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B
7.
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A
7 billion.
- [06:09]
B
I don't know. I literally. It's like asking me how far the moon is. You could tell me. Two vastly different numbers. I'm like, yeah, both sound right.
- [06:18]
A
It says that there's. Yeah, eight. You were right. Eight billion.
- [06:21]
B
Ah.
- [06:22]
A
And of that 1.5 of them are in India. They're going first.
- [06:28]
B
Are on the 405. I thought you were gonna say.
- [06:32]
A
So India has one and a half billion. China has one and a half billion. We only have 350 million. They are. They have. They have five times as many people at four times as many people as us.
- [06:45]
B
Yeah. Well, I know this week a buoy off of San Diego recorded, I think, the warmest temperature ever. So they're out here. I don't know where our listeners are. You know, they're scattered somewhere, even in Europe. But I will say California is bracing for an El Nino this winter, which, you know, could be really, really intense with tremendous rainfall.
- [07:13]
A
Yeah. No, it's funny because there's so much stuff in the zeitgeist about politics, and none of it compares in a marginal way to the fact that the Earth is heating up and 4 billion people will die in the next 25 years.
- [07:33]
B
Fitz. Fact. Last night we watched. Tom O' Neill came over and we watched. He's a news junkie. And sitting with him for 20 minutes, I realized why I'm not. I just can't handle it. Anyway, he wanted to watch Trump's speech. They had the correspondence dinner last night with.
- [07:51]
A
I watched it from beginning to end. Yes, it.
- [07:56]
B
Leaving politics out of it.
- [07:58]
A
Yeah, let's leave politics out of it.
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B
Okay. It is the ramblings. So I went on Kalshee and I'm like, yeah, he's going to say all of it. I just started betting. I just started winning like crazy. Like, he's going to say all of it.
- [08:14]
A
You know, all of it except for Iran and Straits of Hormuz. He finally said Iran towards the very end.
- [08:23]
B
And he kept saying Biden. He would not. I bet on Sleepy Joe. He did not say Sleepy Joe, but he called, like, not sleepy. Sloppy. Because he. Because he called sloppy Chris Christie. He just was doing fat jokes, big head jokes, ugly jokes. It was like telling us.
- [08:44]
A
Telling Caitlin what's her name from cnn, that she should smile. She should. It was like a man from the 1930s, talking to his granddaughter.
- [08:55]
B
It was a seventh recess. Also, like, the name calling.
- [08:59]
A
Yeah, yeah.
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B
Was unbelievable.
- [09:03]
A
It was. It was really. I was. I couldn't look away. I mean, I really thought I was going to watch it for five or 10 minutes, and I could not look away. It was insane. Insane.
- [09:12]
B
So he had what I thought was a very good joke. Now, it might be an old joke, I don't know. And then, of course, he shits all over it the second he says it, because he doesn't. It's almost like the joke's getting credit and he doesn't want it to instead of taking ownership of it. So the joke was, they really need term limits in the Senate, like some senators. The other day, a senator's wife called him and said, honey, the second you get home, I want you to come up the stairs and make love to me. And he's like, I can't do both because of how old he is. I thought that was a very solid joke.
- [09:46]
A
It was a solid joke.
- [09:48]
B
Go ahead. And then he crapped all over it.
- [09:51]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [09:52]
B
But cnn right after it. That's what we were watching, goes one of the broadcasters. So we don't know if this is true, but they said, you know, we've heard that Tony Hinchcliffe wrote a bunch of those jokes, and they're like, that tracks because it has Tony's stamp on it, for those of you who don't know Tony. So I have no idea if Tony wrote on it. But.
- [10:13]
A
But that said, I mean, the thing is, he had, like, you know, obviously, the joke about, I hope you're enjoying the tenderloin tonight. You know, RFK ran over it on the way over. Solid joke. Solid joke. Good laugh. But that was one in an hour. And then there were. The problem is, is he had okay jokes, but he. He refuses to read things word for word. He always has to spin and embellish, and you can't do that with a tight joke. If you're going to tell a joke joke, you need the math of the. Of the words. And that's why Obama would kill, because he was so eloquent and so precise that the jokes worked.
- [10:55]
B
Oh, yeah, you could. I could see him in the middle of setups. Like, you know, in our ballroom, it was probably like our ballroom is this punchline, and he's. Our ballroom. Very good, by the way. Almost done. Almost done. You know, I'm not doing it for me. Like, he's. He puts in six paragraphs in the middle of a setup of a joke.
- [11:13]
A
Right, right. Anyway, let's not dwell on it, but it was something to see. It was really a time capsule of where this country is right now and. And what people are willing to believe is a competent leader. So what's going on with. With Tom?
- [11:32]
B
Tom, I can't make it today. He's very personally hurt. Apparently he is doing an interview at the Beverly Hills Public Library. He's doing it today. And so he's interviewing his friend, the female writer who has some very disturbing book about chemical warfare.
- [11:54]
A
And, yeah, she previously wrote a book about laying out what would happen if there was a nuclear Armageddon. Like, specific details of how it would roll out. And now this is the same thing, but about a chemical warfare. And she goes, it. It makes the nuclear holocaust look like a picnic, so.
- [12:13]
B
Well, yeah, maybe it'll be 5 billion people. Maybe 5 billion, right. We're the good news podcast. So anyway. But one of the women who is latched on the Tom is this extraordinarily wealthy Beverly Hills woman who lives in the Godfather house. I'm like, what does that mean? That was Tahoe. Like, what are you, New York? Like, what? Like, no, no, no, no. The horse's head in a bed. When you know that you hear the screams first while you're out in the gardens.
- [12:48]
A
Right.
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B
She lives in that house.
- [12:49]
A
Wow.
- [12:51]
B
And she is a. Maybe. I'm hoping she buys me drinks tonight. So I want to be careful with my words. But she's a crazy conspiracy theorist, so she loves Tom's book. But more than that, she just goes. Starts asking Tom to validate every conspiracy theory out there.
- [13:10]
A
Yeah.
- [13:10]
B
And so Tom's like, even though. And he. No one loves a free drug more than Tom. He's like, he has his limit with her, but he's hoping to get invited to the Godfather house today. And I would be flying over there if that were the case.
- [13:25]
A
I was once in the. In the Manson house.
- [13:30]
B
Oh, wow.
- [13:31]
A
Well, I should say the Manson property. They level. Yeah. They leveled the house. And then they. They had a party. And it was Bob Saget's 60th birthday party, and the Beach Boys were playing in the living room with John Stamos on drums.
- [13:45]
B
That's a little too close for comfort. Beach Boys are involved in the Manson murders? Peripherally. Yeah.
- [13:51]
A
Right. And then. What's this about brake lights?
- [13:58]
B
Brake lights. Oh, my God. No, it's just a dumb thing. So Tom, we're. Tom's like, I gotta go home. I gotta prepare for this. I gotta go home early night. So every time he's Offered a drink. He takes a drink. So we go to the galley. And I was. Anyway, when we're leaving, Dennis goes to. It's not even worth saying, but it's just kind of. I think it should be our new saying. So when Dennis is leaving, Tom's been having trouble hearing all night. I don't know if his hearing is going, but he's been a little Grandpa. You're like, what? And then he mishears stuff. So anyway, at the end of the night, Dennis goes, break a leg, like tomorrow. And he's like, brake lights. And. And Dennis and I just look at each other. We're like, yeah, brake lights. Brake lights tomorrow. And he's like, brake lights. And then he digs in as if he has something over on us. Like, he's like, what do you. And we're like, no, Tom, brake lights tomorrow. He's like, what? I don't have my car. And we're like. So I think that should just be the new thing. And we're in entertainment. We should. Our new saying should just be brake lights tomorrow.
- [15:03]
A
Lights. Brake lights.
- [15:05]
B
Like you have a show in Pittsburgh tonight. Brake lights.
- [15:08]
A
Brake lights. Yeah, I think that's. I think that's what I need to do on some nights. I need. I need to tap the brakes.
- [15:17]
B
Also, Tom's conducting the interview today, and he almost wanted. He had to have an emergency, which is almost weekly now, an emergency dental appointment. Because when he sneezed, two teeth flew out of his face. Last night, Yesterday morning, I think, so he had to have emergency gluing, which is what he called it. So he really needs brake lights.
- [15:42]
A
This is a man who testified in front of the Senate 10 days ago, also dental crisis.
- [15:48]
B
Before that.
- [15:49]
A
Yeah. So I flew out here and I got the first. I flew to New York and I went to see. I told you last week, my mother in law's partner of 45 years just died. And so Aaron was there for two weeks. She was taking care of her mom. And then I flew in to take care of her mom for five, five days. And I'm flying in, and I'm sitting next to this guy on the plane. And there's three of them, but they have four seats. One of them has a seat open next to them, and they start talking about golf in a way that I hope to God nobody ever publicly hears me talk about golf the way these three guys did. Just, you know, 14. Yeah, I played El Cab on the 14th. It really slopes down. You gotta bump and run it. And, you know, I just got these New Titleists. And they're. And these guys are going on about which country clubs they play. And I was like. And they're all in golf shirts, and they're so fucking annoying. And then one of them recognizes me and he's like, oh, boy. Blah, blah, blah. And then. And then they say where I go. I go. I said something like that. I go, where are you guys going to play? And they go, Wingfoot, Beth Page. They name, like, the three hardest courses in the Tri State area to get on. And I was like, how did you get on those? And he's like, well, I have a membership at two of them. Quaker Ridge was one of them. I have a membership at two of the clubs. I go, where are you staying? And he goes, the St. Regis Hotel. I have a timeshare.
- [17:28]
B
I mean.
- [17:29]
A
And then he goes to me when I'm getting off. He goes, where? Where are you staying? And I said, I'm staying at the Lucerne Hotel on the Upper west side. And he goes, they had homeless people staying there.
- [17:46]
B
You're like, yeah. You're like, yeah, I have a membership. I have a membership there. I have a timeshare.
- [17:53]
A
It was literally one of the hotels when they. When all the immigrants were overflowing in the city. Cause they're flying them in from Texas and dumping them off at Grand Central, and they're not there anymore. But like, yeah, I could see it. And Meanwhile, it was 300 bucks a night. 300 bucks a night for a
- [18:16]
B
shelter.
- [18:20]
A
So the guy took my number and he texted me and he wanted to hang out, you know, in New York. All right, well, I'm with my grieving mother in law, but, yeah, let me come talk. Let me come talk about the sixth hole at Westchester Country Club with you guys for an hour.
- [18:36]
B
I think you'd cut out some time to go do Wingfoot rather than sit with a mourning woman.
- [18:41]
A
Yes. Yeah.
- [18:43]
B
Let's be real.
- [18:44]
A
But anyway, I'm in Pittsburgh. Our friend Dickie, who's one of the great writers in Hollywood, and you hire him constantly on show.
- [18:55]
B
He's great. He told me he read. He read. Go ahead.
- [18:59]
A
He's great because, like, sometimes when I go somewhere, he'll. He'll just send me jokes. You know, he just, like. He just loves writing jokes. So anyway, these are some jokes he wrote about Pittsburgh. He's like, the polio vaccine was invented there, but then again, so is the Big Mac. So those kind of cancel each other out as far as mortality rates. And then he's like. He's like, It's a beautiful. Mr. Rogers is from Pittsburgh. He goes. He always talked about it being a beautiful day in the neighborhood. I walked around Pittsburgh. Which fucking neighborhood was he talking about?
- [19:42]
B
Nice. Yeah.
- [19:44]
A
And, you know, jokes about the Pit and all this stuff. And. And also I talked about Jay Leno falling down outside a comedy club in Pittsburgh, which really put you guys on the map.
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B
Yeah.
- [19:56]
A
Do you remember that about years ago?
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B
I mean, he was so banged up, and then he would appear, like, the next day. He talked to anyone with a microphone. I'm like, hide your face for a while.
- [20:07]
A
Right, right. And then when I was in New York, I taped a podcast with Louis ck Which was amazing. He was so great. We got into. You know, we go back. We started in Boston together.
- [20:22]
B
We lived in New York together.
- [20:24]
A
Basically, he lived in my house. When he first moved out to la, and he hired me on a few different jobs, including his sitcom. And so we just had such an amazing talk and we went deep. Like, I asked him about the first time he asked a girl out, and he literally. I'm not making this up. He was crying. Like, we were kind of crying from laughter. And then I realized that he was really kind of crying.
- [20:53]
B
Wow.
- [20:54]
A
Yeah, it was kind of like a moment. It was like a moment he didn't expect to happen. And, yeah, it was really great. So check that out. That'll be out in three. Three days. If you're listening to this.
- [21:08]
B
Did you talk about Bill Maher at all?
- [21:11]
A
I didn't realize he was on it. I just saw the clip today. Hilarious.
- [21:14]
B
I know. Wild, right?
- [21:16]
A
And. And pretty meaningful.
- [21:17]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bill reached out to him when he was canceled, so.
- [21:23]
A
Yeah, yeah. So anyway, Logo this week comes from Bruce Wise. Pronounced Wise. I know I say it different ways sometimes, but it is Lady Liberty as Blondie. The song this week is from John Favreau, who is a fan of ours from.
- [21:41]
B
Yeah.
- [21:42]
A
The great state of Maine. He came to my show when I was in Maine last month. And the song this week is about his experience with me flirting with his wife in the front row. His wife is kind of hot. Yeah. And about how. Yeah, well, just listen to the words. We play the full songs at the end, so you get.
- [22:02]
B
I'll listen to the song when it comes out tomorrow because you failed to send it to me.
- [22:07]
A
Were you gonna listen to it on your moped?
- [22:08]
B
Coming back, John Song? Yes. Motorcycle corrections.
- [22:14]
A
When Ali. We talked about the rumble in the jungle. Ali and Foreman. Was it Frazier? Foreman is Foreman, Right?
- [22:25]
B
Foreman, yeah.
- [22:26]
A
When Ali arrived in Zaire, now known as the Congo. He was greeted with adoration in the eyes of the people of Zaire. And Ali was like a representation of the struggles of their country, which only 12 years earlier had gained independence after Belgian colonial rule. Followed by long lasting turmoil. Well, ongoing turmoil. A chant for Ali took little time to form. They chanted, ali boomaya. Translating ali, kill him. I think I said boombayah.
- [22:58]
B
I like yours better. Yours more playful.
- [23:01]
A
Boomba. Also a correction. Well, more of a fine tune. Harry Connick Jr. Was Harry Connick Senior. We talked about how Harry Connick Jr. Was given music lessons by a famous musician. And I guess I might have not gotten the details exactly right. His father was a district attorney for New Orleans. Not a cop. I said he was a cop. And that's how he met the musician who gave Harry Connick Jr. The lessons. And the fox, the musician. I had his name. I don't know where. I wrote it down. Fuck me. All right, I'll read it next week. And then Fitz Fact, the Odyssey is not playing IMAX theaters only and is not sold out for the next month. That's Joe Blow. Well, here's, here's the distinction. You can see it in 70 millimeter IMAX theaters. Those are sold out for a few weeks. I mean, unless you want to sit in the front row, which you don't, in an IMAX 70 millimeter theater. And you can see the. Me and Aaron just got tickets for a regular IMAX theater a week from Monday.
- [24:17]
B
Oh, wow.
- [24:18]
A
But it's a 10am showing. That's the only tickets we could get.
- [24:21]
B
So regular. You might not be happy with this photograph. Regular IMAX is not exactly a treat when you. So there's six formats that I've seen. Maybe there's more, but I've seen six with side by side comparisons. We looked at them all last night at dinner because we're, we're trying to figure out when we can see this thing. And you know, listen, even a close up of him, like his hair is cut off in everything but the 70 millimeter IMAX. Really? It's even cut off in regular IMAX.
- [24:55]
A
Oh, my God.
- [24:56]
B
And it's also cut off in regular 70 millimeter. Yeah, it's weird. So there's, you know, and obviously a lot of the, the big landscapes, you know, those are, those are smaller and all that stuff. So anyway. Yeah, but it's hard to get the IMAX 70 millimeter. Those. There's a line for those.
- [25:19]
A
Well, there's a lot of jokes going on around about it. I can't wait. I can't wait. You know what else I can't wait for? St. Petersburg, Florida. The joke roll festival, August 14th and 15th. Then I'm coming to Cincinnati to the Funny Bone, August 26th, Columbus. Funny Bone, August 27th. People turn out for those because, honestly, it's a fucking pain in the ass to get there. I'm trying to book flights right now. It's connecting flights into Cincinnati. Then I got to rent a car and drive two hours. Then I got to take connecting flights home. It's a Wednesday and Thursday night. So come on Ohio, by the way, and support me.
- [25:59]
B
Cincinnati Airport, technically in Kentucky.
- [26:02]
A
In Kentucky, that's right.
- [26:04]
B
Vancouver.
- [26:05]
A
Coming up, La jolla. Comedy Store, September 18 through 20. Batavia, Illinois. Toronto, Phoenix. Go to fitzdog.com, pick up some tickets for some fall dates. Also, shout out to the great Gotham production studios for doing our show. We've got Matt is sitting next to a pool in Ohio right now, about 13 beers in to a cool summer buzz.
- [26:28]
B
Nice. By the Back to the Odyssey for a second. This is how you can tell you're with an uneducated person when you start talking about, like, if someone saw the Odyssey, like, no spoilers, no spoilers.
- [26:39]
A
It's like, okay, pal, yeah, I just started the Bible. No spoilers.
- [26:44]
B
Yeah.
- [26:45]
A
No spoiler is hanging around your neck.
- [26:50]
B
Yeah.
- [26:52]
A
Also, one thing I've learned is if you don't answer the phone, somebody else will. And people are not sitting around waiting for a call back anymore. If they need a quote on something, want to book something, or they got a quick question, they're moving on. They're going to the next business. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q U O. The business phone system built so you never miss a call. My son works for a company that does tech sales calls, and they use this. And he sings the praises of Quo. It can handle big businesses, small businesses. It doesn't matter. They are. You know, it's. It's everything. Calls, texts, voicemails, it's all in one place. Anybody on your team can jump into the conversation and they get to see everything that's happened. So if you're working, like, look at that.
- [27:46]
B
Why doesn't my cell phone provider use this every time I have to give them the entire history again of what their previous sales rep or whatever customer service rep and I have gone through? Yes, this would be fantastic. It's all right there.
- [28:02]
A
And it's also, if you're working odd hours, they have an AI agent that can answer after hour calls response to questions. It can book appointments while you're offline and it also works with HubSpot, Zapier, Claude a bunch of different ones. Keep your existing phone number. Get started, money is on the line. Always say hello with quote. Try quo for free plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to quo.com papers that's q u o.com papers man. I mean you got. You gotta get on that people.
- [28:39]
B
Let's do it.
- [28:41]
A
You got paper?
- [28:42]
B
I got a paper bag.
- [28:44]
A
There we go.
- [28:44]
B
Here we go. There you go.
- [28:49]
A
More. Not just a dozen but more than a dozen children at a New Jersey summer camp challenge down on suspected mushroom laced chocolate sending the group into zombie like state and hospitalizing one. The campers age 10 and 13 years old consume the apparent edibles at the East Orange YMCA Thursday. East Orange is where the couple that climbed the Empire State building last week and proposed were from.
- [29:19]
B
This is the funnest town in America.
- [29:20]
A
Yep. Creating a concerning ordeal for parents and counselors. Quote when I arrived there were 13 children. They looked like zombies. Cynthia Cunningham raced her 12 year old to the hospital and you know they say most of the kids would have been able to hang but it was a full moon that night and there was an outdoor screening of Alice in Wonderland. So it just. It just pushed them over the top.
- [29:46]
B
I think you're first of all what a gift to that your 13 year old kid in New Jersey is acting like a zombie. That should be that camp should brag about their admin Administering mushrooms to the campers.
- [30:00]
A
Right, right.
- [30:00]
B
Everyone would send their kid there.
- [30:02]
A
Oh my God, I want to go. Can I sign up when signups for next fall. Yeah, I mean that's what they should do. Honestly, I've had this idea for many years and I think I've talked to you about it. Is an additional adult camp and it's got canoes and it's got pottery making and it's got wallet making and you just get fucked up on drugs and you walk in nature, you do arts and crafts and then at night there's like a nightclub cause there's a boys camp, a men's and a women's camp and then at night they come together.
- [30:38]
B
Color war or whatever weird phrase nowadays but we got close to that. Remember with Catalina?
- [30:46]
A
That's right.
- [30:47]
B
During COVID That was great. We. A friend of mine called a camp and all the camps were out of business. And he's like how are you guys holding on? And he reached somehow reached the president or owner of this campground on Catalina. It's like a marine biology camp. And he's like, but it's on the water with cabins. And he's like, we're kind of not. We're waiting to see what the bailout is and all that. And he goes, we would you rent it, like, once this next level of letting us out of the house happens, you know, we'll all show up with masks. You'll have your rules. Would adults, Would families be able to come over and rent out the cabins? He goes, I can rent out your whole camp. And the guy. They worked it out.
- [31:28]
A
And they worked it out because each. Each family stayed separately in their own bunkhouse. So there were like. There were like six or seven or eight families. And we went down to the beach at night and they had big bonfires and we sat apart from each other. And this is when it was the scary part where, like, you sat outside with masks on. But, you know, we snorkeled and we did all that. We shared snorkels, obviously, but.
- [31:54]
B
Right.
- [31:55]
A
Everybody got laid. It was great.
- [31:58]
B
Can you imagine something more against the protocols of COVID than a. Like a snorkeling mask? Just put. The person's nose was drooling into this mask. Literally drool out of his nostrils into this mask the whole time.
- [32:18]
A
Well, I'm certain a lot of people shared a bong during COVID I mean, look, I had unprotected sex in the. In the. In the 90s a lot during aids, and I only got it once. I got it once. The nineties.
- [32:33]
B
You were lucky. That's good for you.
- [32:35]
A
Yeah.
- [32:37]
B
Okay. Speaking of partying, Tony Romo busted for DWI in Milwaukee. The Milwaukee county sheriff's office states Romo was pulled over in Wisconsin for a golf tournament. He had. Oh, sorry. In a golf tournament. He had participated in the Wisconsin amateur championship where he finished in a four way tie for 73rd.
- [33:01]
A
I think that should have been his sobriety test right there. He's a professional athlete. He tied for 73rd.
- [33:08]
B
You tie for 73rd, you go out and party, man. He was. He was taken into custody after they say he performed poorly on several field sobriety tests. Romo's slightly. He's slightly smiling for the camera in his mug shot, seemingly unconcerned by his arrest. That is a shitty grin.
- [33:28]
A
Yeah, it's a Mona Lisa smile.
- [33:30]
B
I mean, it's kind of like, let's see, we'll see how this goes.
- [33:34]
A
Yeah, right, right.
- [33:35]
B
Like he has the upper hand.
- [33:37]
A
Yeah. I'll be in the broadcast. Booth in three weeks. Don't worry about it. He. This is happening so often with him that the cops are starting to call his sobriety test his combine.
- [33:49]
B
You know, he's like. He couldn't even see this coming. He. He used to see plays coming. Remember that? He used to be, like, insightful and kind of one step ahead. Not anymore.
- [34:00]
A
I think when they pulled him over, he was so fucked up. He thought he was still in the golf cart and the female cop was the cart girl. And he started flirting with her and gave her a 20.
- [34:11]
B
Look at that grin. That grin is more tied for 41st place, not 73rd.
- [34:16]
A
He looks exactly like the guy from the office.
- [34:21]
B
He does look. Yeah. Who's looking at the motherfucker? Camera at us.
- [34:25]
A
Camera, right?
- [34:25]
B
Yeah, right, exactly.
- [34:27]
A
John Krasinski.
- [34:28]
B
Yep. He does have that face a little bit. Well, even though Krasinski wouldn't smile that much. Okay, moving over to the Pope. Okay. I did not know about this app. The Pope's prayer app. Boy, if I'm popping peas. This is the story. Has been leaking its users info for months. A vulnerability in the Pope's official prayer app, Click to Pray, has reportedly left the information of its nearly 720,000 users exposed. The app, launched by the Pope in 2019, is described as a digital community of prayer where you can share the intentions of the Holy Father and pray together with others. That's 700,000 plus email addresses belonging to people who signed up for the app to pray. A lot of the users are likely older, you think, less tech savvy and deeply trusting of anything associated with the Vatican. I think they're deeply trusting of anything the researcher. Sorry. A harvested list like this would be a fishing gold mine. Imagine getting an email that says, the Holy Father requests your urgent attention with a Vatican looking link. I love it. I. My dad. My dad's identity is going to be gone by Thursday, I'm sure.
- [35:45]
A
Oh, yeah, he's. He's going to be donating money to St. Tony's Fund for a new boat by next weekend. But, yeah, you think they're. You think they're easily fooled. They go to a building where they chew on the Messiah's body and drink his blood and then don't eat meat on Friday so they can fly. Fly into the sky and live forever with other people wearing khakis and Izod shirts.
- [36:12]
B
You're going to trust in the tech of the Vatican? The Vatican. This is the technology they use to tell us they have a new Pope. Smoke. They use smoke. That's their tech.
- [36:26]
A
Yeah. Yeah. That's hilarious. The original form of communication, literally from the beginning.
- [36:34]
B
Yeah.
- [36:35]
A
Isn't it amazing that they. But we can't hack in and find out which priests molested kids over the years.
- [36:43]
B
It's also not a hot defense when the church is like, as far as some of our followers getting hurt, this isn't. You know, this isn't one of our worst. Right.
- [36:53]
A
Right
- [36:55]
B
now, eccentric biohacker Brian Johnson, who I have seen, he's come across my feed. He's doing all these crazy, very scientific measurements of the chemicals in his body and his cell count and all of that stuff, and he's a true biohacker. He claims to have made a clone of himself as a newborn baby so he can harvest its organs. The tech billionaire says the baby will also be used to test new, new therapies on his latest baby clone. Attempt to live forever. He said, with this clone, I can become my own blood boy. Test therapies on the clone, grow organs for transplant, transplantation, develop new treatments, and inject young cells. He added, this baby, Brian, lives in a petri dish for now. This may be scary to some people, a dystopian future, but for others, they will see it as the inevitable future of health.
- [38:00]
A
I mean, here's the first thing that struck me about this, is if we cloned ourselves, you and I, Mike, we couldn't stand our clone.
- [38:10]
B
Very true. Jesus, what am I going to want? The same nose I have now? No, thank you.
- [38:17]
A
I don't want to hang out with this fucking. This. This narcissist. This. This fake, aggressive narcissist.
- [38:26]
B
Jeez.
- [38:27]
A
But I did a bit. Yeah, I did a bit about this. I mean, you talk about fact and fiction. Like, I literally did a bit on. There was a show called Shorties Getting Shorties that was hosted by Patrice O' Neill and Nick DePaolo on Comedy Central. And they would animate one of your bits and then talk about it. And I had. Do you remember that? I had this bit about eventually someday we're gonna clone ourselves and just use the clone for spare parts.
- [38:52]
B
Yeah. And I remember talking about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [38:55]
A
It was like one of my. It was like my closing bit for a while, and it was literally a comedian thinking of an absurd situation, and now it's actually true.
- [39:05]
B
Right. And I think I remember talking to you at the time because probably because you had brought it up or whatever, I remember thinking that would be an amazing movie. Would be like. Like me right now living my life, whatever. You're following Me. And then all of a sudden, I'm, like, thinking I'm seeing a doppelganger. And I'm, like, confused. Maybe I start talking to my therapist because now it's happened more than once. And all this. And then all of a sudden, this person's breaking into my. And I turn out to be the clone. And I've lived my life fine until midlife, but now this guy needs parts.
- [39:41]
A
The young. The young one needs parts.
- [39:43]
B
No, the guy who made me. But me and me and the viewers have thought I might be the guy who would make a clone. No, I'm the guinea pig.
- [39:53]
A
And he's drunk. He needs a liver. He's worn out his liver. He's coming for that. His lungs are bad because he's been chain smoking. And he's just looking at you like you're a thrift store.
- [40:04]
B
Yeah.
- [40:05]
A
Yeah.
- [40:05]
B
That would be funny if he came in drunk, because I would kick his fucking ass. That was the best advice. I don't know if it was one of our friends, dads. He's like, don't fight. Don't ever get in a fight. Don't ever get in a street fight, a bar fight. Never, never, never. Also, it's only going to happen at night, and it's only going to happen because you've been drinking. And he goes, let me just ask you a question. Would you fight yourself if you were drunk? Would you fight a sober you? And all of us were like, no way. He's like, that's all you need to know.
- [40:37]
A
Yeah, right, right. I gotta find this clip. Maybe Matt can help find it. We. If we can find it, here's a clip of me on Shorty's watching. Shorty's talking about this.
- [40:50]
B
Nice.
- [40:51]
A
Put it in here. Okay.
- [40:53]
B
All right.
- [40:53]
A
And if we can't find it, leave me saying this.
- [40:56]
B
Anyway, man, that might have been great, what we just watched.
- [41:00]
A
Yeah. Can you believe it was so on the nose.
- [41:04]
B
I think we leave all this convo in before and after the. Hopefully the clip played.
- [41:09]
A
Yeah.
- [41:10]
B
All right. Are we getting to an ethical question, y'? All?
- [41:12]
A
Let's get ethical. Let's talk about ethics.
- [41:14]
B
I mean, we kind of just were. All right, here we go. Where. Where's. Where's my page? Where did it go? All right. We got some good ones. Do I have to help my friend get a job? I know she'd be bad at.
- [41:37]
A
Help your wife or your friend?
- [41:39]
B
Friend. Wow. You heard wife. And this is the sub headline. If she were hired, I might have to cover for her to prevent the quality of the work from slipping. So it sounds like you're bringing them into where you work.
- [41:54]
A
That's a really good question. While you face this, you have. Because you. You hire writers all the time. You have friends. You're friends with writers. You bring them in. Have you. I mean, I flip it on you. Have you ever been in that situation? Well, I have to. I've. Very infrequently. I have hired writers for some pilots that I've worked on.
- [42:17]
B
You brought my stepbrother, Jeff Nichols, on the road.
- [42:20]
A
That's right. That's right.
- [42:24]
B
Yeah. Wow, there's a doozy. I just read ahead to two questions from now regarding this one, though. Well, the question's for you, Greg. Why are you asking me?
- [42:33]
A
All right. I would say that there are times where you think somebody might grow into a job and you might hire them as, you know, because sometimes if somebody's fresh, I'm not saying they have to be young, but they have to have a sense of. Of like, stepping up. I hired Nick Smith once to write on a show that I was running on VH1.
- [42:58]
B
Right.
- [42:59]
A
And I really was like, all right, Nick is gonna step up. Nick's one of the funniest human beings I've ever met. He's an editor. He knows tv, and he came in and he had such severe adhd. He would get fixated on one thing, and he could not move to the next thing. And. And this was a show that was like a pop culture. We need a lot of material.
- [43:20]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [43:22]
A
And it did not work out, but I thought that he would be somebody that would grow into it, But I think he just had the wrong personality type for that kind of a job.
- [43:34]
B
Right. So I think technically, the answer is you don't have to help your friend get a job. You know, they'd be bad at. Maybe I'm imagining this writer of this article, Pride and the Ethicist, probably said, well, you know, you can let them fail on their own.
- [43:53]
A
I don't know. I don't agree with that. I think that our whole economic system is based on people helping each other, you know? And I think part of it is if I know. If I know somebody and I like being around them and I respect their morals and their lifestyle, then I might bring them into a job thinking again, that they'll grow into it. So I have to think if I. If I'm friends with somebody, they're. They're a redeeming person, which gives them a big leg up on getting the job.
- [44:22]
B
Oh, Nice. All right, here's a doozy. And I want to go into the article, but of course it's me. It's forgotten this. Totally forgot my New York Times password on Chrome right now. Anyway, who. My abuser's daughter wants to be friends. How should I navigate this? And the sub headline. The sub headline is, I feel deeply awkward, especially because I genuinely like her.
- [44:53]
A
Whoa.
- [44:54]
B
Yeah.
- [44:56]
A
That requires the word grace. I love the word grace because it is about forgiveness on a very deep level. And I think it's one of those actions that would make you feel profoundly good about yourself and your capacity to heal. So I absolutely think this is an opportunity to move past something. Not move past it, but to come to terms with something more by taking an action that has grace in it.
- [45:32]
B
What could help a lot is have your dad abuse her first, and then you guys can bond.
- [45:40]
A
How would you set that up?
- [45:42]
B
It's pretty easy, I think. I mean, you just explained to your dad, listen, her dad abused me, and he gets it. That's all. That's probably all you have to say. Maybe it was the mom. I don't want to make assumptions here.
- [45:55]
A
Yeah, right, right. Then you can. Then you got to even the playing field a little bit. Yeah. She can't come into it all unabused.
- [46:03]
B
Right. And then once she's abused, you're like, look at us. Look at all this grace. This is twice as much grace. I mean, the ultimate forgiveness according to Greg Fitzsimmons. Look at this grace.
- [46:16]
A
Showing grace doesn't feel good unless the person knows exactly what it feels like to be abused.
- [46:22]
B
I'm gonna grace you with my experience, which has enriched my life in surprising ways.
- [46:29]
A
You both call each other Grace. Those would be your nicknames for each other after that. Hey, Grace. Hey, Grace.
- [46:34]
B
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay, we're going to. Wow. I did not see this story. Entertainment. Here we go.
- [46:43]
A
John Bon Jovi, which, by the way, is his real name. That's not a stage name.
- [46:49]
B
I hope not.
- [46:51]
A
He abruptly ended his show at Madison Square Garden, which is actually, you know, that's the real name for that building.
- [47:00]
B
Msg. Yeah, real name.
- [47:03]
A
Thursday, as he struggled to get through his set, the rock icon, 64 was playing night eight of his nine show residency at MSG in New York City as part of his Forever tour, when he said he had to stop the show after singing his 1986 hit Living on a Prayer. Couldn't we have just said singing his hit and leave it at that?
- [47:27]
B
No, he. I hate to admit it, he has
- [47:29]
A
a bunch now he does. I know. I'm sorry. I'm hurt, and you're not getting the best of me. Don't throw away your ticket stubs. I'm going to figure something out. Okay? Just hold on to it, and we'll figure out how to reschedule ticket stubs. Should they hang on to their tab diet sodas and their bubble yum.
- [47:50]
B
Yeah. He really betrayed how old he is before you frame it.
- [47:56]
A
Just hold on to it before you put it into your photo album. I'm sorry. I'm hurt, and you're not getting the best of me, he added before walking off stage. But I'm gonna have it. But I'm. But I'm gonna have to cool it for the night. A concert under there after 90 minutes. You know what? That's a show. That's a show.
- [48:20]
B
Yeah.
- [48:21]
A
Bon Jovi spoke from stage and told fans he's been battling a sinus infection. God, people. Apparently people in the crowd were wiping tears with their Dreamcatcher earrings and blowing their noses into their bandanas.
- [48:36]
B
Yeah. Well, also, it's the Forever Tour. Hold on to the stubs. They'll be good. The tour is going to be called the For Now Tour, though. It's going to be a new name. But the stub will still be good. Yeah, Stub's good. Forever.
- [48:51]
A
Keep the stub. I'm just Picturing all those 1983 Irocs pulling out of the lot early to go back to their mom's basement in New Jersey.
- [49:01]
B
Or on their steel horses they ride.
- [49:04]
A
Yeah.
- [49:06]
B
Motorcycles all through the Holland Tunnel.
- [49:09]
A
That. That is a crowd. And I. This is. I think if you were to ask me. There's two types of people in the world. There's people that listen to the band that they're going to see while driving to the arena. You're that. You are that person. Yes. And you listen on the way home to the band.
- [49:30]
B
That's if we haven't listened on the way there.
- [49:32]
A
Now, when we saw Dylan last month, you played Dylan on the way home.
- [49:37]
B
Oh, the ones he didn't. Yeah. Yeah. Because. Because we talked about what it would write. Right. But these are the songs I wish he had played. But, yeah. I've always viewed Jon Bon Jovi as. It's kind of like. It's Springsteen fans who want less thinking. They're both New Jersey. They're both New Jersey. And you kind of had your choice. And it's like.
- [50:02]
A
Yeah.
- [50:03]
B
I want to be less thoughtfully provoked. Please.
- [50:07]
A
I'll say it this way, I think, because we're talking about the genre, here are Jersey arena acts. I would say that Bon Jovi fans are girls going to the show and guys going with them. Springsteen fans are guys going to the show and girls going with them.
- [50:27]
B
Yeah, I think, you know, Springsteen is very thoughtfully mapping out like, your dad doesn't like me. Come on in this backseat let's pull out of this town full of losers. I have a dream. Come along, you're not bad, lucky, blah, blah, blah. And Bon Jovi is like, you give love a bad name. It's very simple. Yeah, that's it.
- [50:54]
A
Shot through the heart and you're to blame. You give. I saw that documentary about him and it started off showing him as this cute as a button 13 year old with the feathered back hair and playing guitar. And by the time he was like 16, he was playing in like beach bars with a band and they were killing it, doing covers and they started getting a following. And then it talks about how he turned 17 and he realized that he was just going to be another beach band playing covers unless he started writing original songs. And then the guy started writing original songs and you're like caught up in this, you know, this kid with a vision and talent and so good looking. And then they play one of his songs and I'm like, oh, yeah, he's awful. Like I was totally on board until they actually played the music.
- [51:50]
B
That's funny. All right, let's move on to Florida.
- [51:54]
A
Florida. We're going to Florida.
- [51:56]
B
Here we go. Oh, man. I had to grab this story. It's at the Villages. All right. It's a little long. Let's see if my voice holds up. But it's a story. David O', Brien, 67, met the 21 year old woman this month on the Tinder dating app. O' Brien explained that he was looking for a sugar baby and he would pay her $1,000 each visit. Dinner and I love to shop for you. That was all written on his post. O' Brien and the sugar baby agreed to meet for a meal Tuesday evening. The woman was driven to the date by three of her friends. O' Brien gave the woman $200 and took her to a lingerie store where she purchased three items. After he provided the woman with another $600 at the restaurant, the pair went back to his residence at the Villages. The woman told the cops that she began to feel uncomfortable in his home and contacted her friends. The come pick her up. With a sugar baby fixing to depart, o' Brien told her that she should give the money back because that was not the agreement.
- [52:57]
A
Right.
- [52:58]
B
Declining this is almost like an ethical question. Declining the refund request. The woman left the property and got into the car with her friends and left the area. O' Brien then jumped into his Ford F150. Yeah. O', Brien, Florida man, still going. And he began to chase the four victims. They're already calling them victims. He subsequently rammed into their vehicle at a traffic circle, causing it to strike a pole. He then allegedly came around again and hit the victim's car once more, causing it to become disabled. While the woman and her two friends fled, a 22 year old male occupant of the car was confronted by O', Brien, who allegedly pointed his.22 semiautomatic Ruger at them and told them to get on the ground or he would kill him. Eventually, o' Brien became distracted. I think he had a pee. Allowing the victim, who told cops he thought he was going to be shot, to run away. When deputies arrived at the scene, O' Brien was in his F150 with the gun in his possession. So then they question o'. Brien. Right. He said the topic of sex first came up during dinner when more details of the arrangement were discussed by the pair. Upon returning to his home, o' Brien added, he began to massage the woman's feet. And he was on. And she was on her phone the entire time. O' Brien reported admitting to chasing the woman's car. He reportedly admitted sorry to chase the woman's car, but said he only grazed it from behind. As for pulling out his gun, he claimed that he thought the woman's car might have been stolen and that he was trying to control the situation by brandishing the firearm. After initially being read his rights, o' Brien told the police of a prior sugar baby arrangement in another state. That relationship, he noted, worked out perfectly for him.
- [54:55]
A
So he's selling the cop on the concept of a sugar baby. He's like, look, what I'm doing is a good idea. And it sounds like she got cold feet. Which doesn't make sense because he had them in his mouth.
- [55:08]
B
Yeah, right. He is comparing it. He's like, why am I being arrested at Target? I returned an item at Walmart. Why can't I? And also he's laying out to police an illegal activity.
- [55:24]
A
Yeah, I mean, it's Florida, so I don't know how illegal that is. I. I sort of feel like the Villages. I mean, there was a documentary about bad neighbors.
- [55:36]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [55:37]
A
And did you see the one about the guy that goes down to the villages? He used to exercise naked in his community in San Diego. And so he moves to Florida and he's in a retirement community and it's a nudist colony. And he meets this young girl and he's her sugar daddy. And. Oh my God. I mean, I just, I think that that's a very regular thing down in Florida.
- [56:03]
B
All of his neighbors in San Diego hated him. And he would go around the neighborhood in just a gold Speedo, which he didn't want to wear. He wanted to be naked.
- [56:15]
A
No, not even a Speedo. It was a thong. It went up.
- [56:17]
B
Oh, it was a thong. It was a thong. Yeah.
- [56:21]
A
And first of all, this is Florida, so I. I'm wondering what the second date will be like.
- [56:26]
B
Imagine you're trying to sell your house and that guy, by the way, he would work out in his driveway in front of all the neighbors. So like you have an open house or a caravan on Tuesday to show your house. I mean, what you must offer that guy. Like, you want, you want to go to Disney World, man. You want to go for the day? You want to. Want an unbelievable lunch somewhere between 2 and 4? I can arrange that.
- [56:51]
A
Yeah, I think, I don't know, I think it'd be kind of cool to have a guy like that in your neighborhood. That's kind of funny. I mean, not if you're selling your house, but on a day to day basis. It's fucking crazy. Nick riding his ride his peloton in the driveway.
- [57:05]
B
It is true. That is true.
- [57:07]
A
Let's get to some sports.
- [57:09]
B
Here you go, buddy. Sports.
- [57:12]
A
Okay. The longtime wife of Phil Mickelson was caught out and about and missing a grand piece of jewelry. Mickelson has recently faced multiple accusations of misconduct made by a claim of non consensual physical contact with a female employee at the Farms Golf Club in California. He's also been accused of lewd behavior in 2015, including allegedly sending an explicit photo to the ex wife of fellow golfer Pat Perez. Paparazzi photographers noticeably captured his wife's bare ring finger during a grocery run while she carried bags into her luxury vehicle. So I guess she didn't get rid of the luxury vehicle, she got rid of the ring.
- [57:56]
B
Yeah.
- [57:57]
A
Keeping the car.
- [57:58]
B
Yeah.
- [57:58]
A
Yeah.
- [58:00]
B
Someone in our group brought up, do you know how much we're not hearing for a country club to kick out one of the greatest golfers of all time?
- [58:09]
A
Somebody told me who's from that world that it's been the worst kept secret in golf that this guy's been a predator for, you know, 15 years.
- [58:18]
B
Best kept secret.
- [58:19]
A
You mean best kept secret. Yeah. Well, worst kept means that everybody in the golf world knew about it, but the outside world did not. I mean, it's like Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby. Literally everybody in entertainment knew what was going on with those two for 15 years, man.
- [58:37]
B
On golf, the lower the number, the better you are.
- [58:42]
A
That's true.
- [58:43]
B
Yeah.
- [58:43]
A
And here's what I'm thinking. Like, Mickelson's fucked because she's going to get 50% of his money. Your caddy, when you're on tour gets 10% of your money. His agent gets 10%, and then he's got to pay 30% in taxes. So he literally loses money when he plays in a tournament.
- [59:01]
B
Now, don't worry. I don't think he's winning much.
- [59:06]
A
Then we got your story.
- [59:09]
B
What story?
- [59:10]
A
LeBron.
- [59:11]
B
I didn't put that in there. Oh, Matt put it in there.
- [59:13]
A
Oh, Matt put it in. Okay, so LeBron James signed with the 76ers for his 24th season in the NBA at 41 years old. Oh, my God. Something tells me they're not going to have to grease up the polls in Philly this year.
- [59:29]
B
I. I don't know what. I don't know enough and what to make of this, but no one. Is Philly happy about this.
- [59:38]
A
Extremely.
- [59:39]
B
Oh, they are this.
- [59:40]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [59:41]
B
Huh.
- [59:41]
A
Yeah.
- [59:42]
B
I wonder why. I mean, but I don't know is. I mean, is it also. Don't they. Aren't they stacked with talent already?
- [59:51]
A
I really don't follow the. The 76ers very much, but, you know, I mean, look, the guy still playing good basketball, so who knows?
- [60:04]
B
Yeah. And so there's a lot of speculation why I went there. I saw one theory. He went there. I'm not joking. Because of the golf courses.
- [60:14]
A
Really.
- [60:15]
B
And I went in the comments section for everyone to rip them apart and. Because it doesn't hold water for me. But no one was ripping them apart. They mentioned, someone mentioned that he already has a membership and one of them, blah, blah, blah. So I don't know if that theory but aren't there. Why is he going there?
- [60:32]
A
Aren't there golf courses down south that you can actually play 12 months of the year as opposed to four months of the year in Philly. I know that's weird. All right, let's get down to but.
- [60:42]
B
Yeah, but then there's the argument how much is he playing during the winter, during the season and all that stuff.
- [60:47]
A
Let's get down to this day in history. Oh, by the Way, by the way, forgot this in the sports section. My cousin Denny McCarthy is currently in second place at the. I think it's the 3M. Is it a big golf tournament, buddy?
- [61:05]
B
Is he on Kalshee?
- [61:07]
A
Oh, shit. I bet I can take him on Cowsheet.
- [61:11]
B
You look at that while I. Because I gotta admit, this is a blind read of on this day in history. Well, you're gonna know the first one, give or take one year. On this day, Bob Dylan walked on stage at the Newport Folk Festival and changed popular music. His acoustic songs, blah, blah, blah. He plugged in. Give or take one year. What year was this? I think I know what year you're gonna say, so give or take one year.
- [61:37]
A
Well, I would say folk music was like late 50s to early 60s. Rock started in mid-60s.
- [61:43]
B
This is not the way I expected you to do this. Okay?
- [61:45]
A
So I'm gonna go 65.
- [61:50]
B
It's 1965.
- [61:51]
A
1965.
- [61:52]
B
I thought you would know. Like, it's either that or 60s. I thought you might say 66.
- [61:58]
A
Now, was it at the Newport Jazz Festival or was it at Royal Albert hall that he first did?
- [62:03]
B
No, that's why I thought you'd say 66, because that was 66. Newport Folk Festival, though, is where he switched over. And that was depicted in the movie and all that stuff. Okay, let's see, what else. The Concord, the supersonic airplane from Air France, it crashed. This isn't talked about enough. It crashed outside Paris, killing all 109 people on board. What year do you think that happened, give or take five years?
- [62:36]
A
So wait, this is the SST Concord, that, that. That supersonic plane.
- [62:43]
B
What's the Concorde?
- [62:44]
A
Yeah, the Concord. Yeah, that happened. Let's see, 911 was on 9 11, 2001. I feel like it was before that. So I'm gonna say 96, 2000.
- [63:04]
B
So you got it?
- [63:05]
A
Got it, baby. I know my tragedies.
- [63:08]
B
I did not know that. Yeah. I thought the Concord was phased out before that.
- [63:14]
A
I think that might have been the phase out after that.
- [63:17]
B
The first test tube. I don't know if I can call it the first test tube, baby, but Luis Brown, the first human conceived using in vitro fertilization, was born in England. You would think we would know the name Louise because she's so extraordinary. Kind of like we know the name of the sheep they clone. Dolly, right?
- [63:40]
A
Yep. Dolly is the sheep they cloned.
- [63:43]
B
So Louise Brown was born in England on this day, in what year? Give or take? I'm going to give you seven years.
- [63:52]
A
All right. That's. This feels like a 1950s to 60s range. I'm going to say 60. I'm going to go 65 again.
- [64:04]
B
Nope. 78.
- [64:06]
A
Really? How many years did you give me?
- [64:09]
B
I think seven.
- [64:10]
A
Yeah.
- [64:11]
B
All right, let's find one more for you here, man. American Disabilities Act. I don't want to embarrass you with that one. The Republic of Maldives. No. Yeah, maybe we'll do this one. Sandra Bullock was born in Arlington, Virginia, this weekend. In what year? Give or take three years.
- [64:36]
A
All right, Sandra Bullock. Is she older than me or younger than me? I met her once. It was in a bar in New York. She is. Julia Roberts. Age. I'm going to just say my age. I'm going to say she was born in 66.
- [65:00]
B
You got it. But it's 64.
- [65:03]
A
Wow. Little older than me. Okay.
- [65:06]
B
She kept it together.
- [65:07]
A
Yeah. She looks fantastic. But you see the work? You see the work a little bit. I'm talking about on me.
- [65:13]
B
Right, of course. All right, here we go. What are you. What are we doing next, sir?
- [65:16]
A
Let's go down to letters to the editor.
- [65:19]
B
Yeah, here we go.
- [65:22]
A
This is a guy from Canada who says when California was on fire, Canada sent firefighters and aircraft to assist. When we are on fire, Trump threatens tariffs and suggest to nuke us. That was real. That was real. He said maybe we should just nuke them.
- [65:39]
B
Well, it would end the suffering for some.
- [65:43]
A
And then there was. I don't know if we read these last week, but here's one. I don't know if I should read this. It's a little bit negative about you. Do you want me to read it or not?
- [65:51]
B
Yeah, I love negative stuff.
- [65:52]
A
All right. I have listened to all 319of your Sunday papers episodes.
- [65:57]
B
Lunatic is writing this. Go ahead.
- [65:59]
A
Thank you for finally addressing Mike's adhd. It is getting worse every week. Please have him check with his doctor for a different prescription. Because. Because it is getting more challenging to listen as he interrupts your every sentence, steps on, steps on your jokes, and turns away from the microphone in the middle of a sentence. Thank you, Tim Keefe.
- [66:21]
B
He might have a point about the medication because I don't take any.
- [66:26]
A
Wait, I thought you took. I thought you took Ritalin or Adderall just for fun.
- [66:31]
B
Yeah, and I don't remember the last time. I mean, it's been months.
- [66:35]
A
We used to both take it before recording the show. Often.
- [66:39]
B
Yeah, I would get chatty then. You know, I think I might interrupt more if I were on it. Yeah, no, I think there was Some. You were having tech, and I even brought it up. You were having tech issues, and we started stepping on each other a lot more. Yeah, well, anyway, but my mic technique. He has a solid point there. I'm not being defensive here. Let's see, what else am I doing wrong?
- [67:01]
A
You step. You interrupt me. You step on my jokes.
- [67:05]
B
I mean, I hate to call him a chick here, but I interrupt your every sentence.
- [67:10]
A
Yeah.
- [67:10]
B
Really? Every.
- [67:12]
A
That seems like a lot.
- [67:13]
B
You know what I've learned?
- [67:13]
A
A lot of talking.
- [67:15]
B
Yeah, I know. I'm all over you. You know what I've learned, though, is anytime you hear, you always do that, or you never think of me or you interrupt every sentence. It's very tempting to latch onto that because, first of all, it's easy and it's wrong. And instead, you are supposed to be like, they must be really bothered if they're using such strong language. And then you focus on what it is that's bothering them. It must be affecting them that much.
- [67:49]
A
Well, it's basically. What do you call that when you're.
- [67:55]
B
Because they're always that bothered? What?
- [67:59]
A
Cognitive behavioral therapy. Yeah, there's. There's a whole list of things that people with cognitive cognitive dissonance have, and one of them is all or nothing thinking. Yeah, they always do that. They never do that. And you're supposed to catch yourself when you're saying that and. And fact check yourself and say, can you think of examples when this thing does or doesn't happen?
- [68:22]
B
I think one way to shortcut the argument is just be like, you always say always. You do.
- [68:32]
A
Yeah. Yeah. This is from Ben at Fayetteville who says Greg keeps citing someone dialed 91 1.
- [68:42]
B
No, I think you say, oh, no,
- [68:45]
A
I say dialed 9 11. 911 is a day that will live in infamy. No, I think that Pearl harbor was the day that will live in infamy. 911 is the emergency service number in the U.S. greg assertively described a person in an iron lung as being completely inside it. I've since heard that your head is not inside. The one reason the device is funny is that only the patient's head hangs out. Surely there was a picture of the lady who died in the article. Anyway, he says some nice things at the end, but we don't want to read those.
- [69:23]
B
We don't want to feel good about that. What about me interrupting always?
- [69:28]
A
Yeah. All right, we got it. We got another one. We'll read it next week. All right, let's get any obituaries this week. Anyone die?
- [69:35]
B
I Don't think. I think we escaped this week.
- [69:38]
A
Who died? Did anybody die?
- [69:41]
B
I don't know.
- [69:42]
A
No, I don't think anybody died. Okay, good. It's good. God must have been fucking on vacation for the summer.
- [69:50]
B
Here come the funnies. Here we go.
- [69:53]
A
All right, as you know, every week we do the comedy caption contest. You guys will send in punchlines to one frame of a comic that I give you. You'll put your name directly underneath it. We'll select the best ones, read them, choose a winner, and you will receive possibly a plaque or a certificate of some sort. We're still working on that, but, you know, we're gonna get it together. Last week's comic was a gentleman sitting in front of a gas pump. He's on a stool and he's got the gas nozzle in his hand a la somebody at a poker machine in Vegas. A slot machine. There's a guy standing behind him. For some reason, he has an apron on. And the guy at the pump is doing the talking. Nathan says, read the news, bud. Betting on gas prices has the best payout odds these days. All right, Shane from Maine. It's not a one arm bandit anymore. It's an arm. Arm and leg. Unless you get three sevens in a row. Straight of her. Moses are wild.
- [70:56]
B
That's. I hung out for about half of that.
- [71:00]
A
Yeah, I was a little wordy. Albert said, I just. Oh, I can't take another week of my jokes not winning the caption contest.
- [71:09]
B
Oh, wow. All right. Solid effort this week.
- [71:17]
A
Get the fuck out of here. Bad luck charm. I saw you talking to the last 10 losers who fed this thing. That's from Bjorn B. Leaf.
- [71:26]
B
Right, Got it. They've been in the casino. I get it.
- [71:30]
A
And then Ted H. Said, send over the cigarette girl. After you freshen up my drink. I'm feeling lucky.
- [71:37]
B
Not bad.
- [71:41]
A
John M. Said, no, I don't understand how these jerk off booths work in New Jersey.
- [71:46]
B
Wow. Quite a leap. Quite a leap to a jerk off booth.
- [71:51]
A
Ron Jurek said, what do you mean this isn't a slot machine? And the guy says, you have pump derangement syndrome.
- [71:57]
B
All right, one political. Okay.
- [72:00]
A
Stephen Mangram said, I just remembered it was a porn actor pumping gas, not a compulsive gambler. Yeah, that was the old Fitzsimmons joke.
- [72:09]
B
Look at that.
- [72:09]
A
It was a classic.
- [72:11]
B
Oh, it is. Oh, early one.
- [72:13]
A
Ron says, not now, pit boss. I'm on a heater. Every time I put in 10 bucks, I win a car wash. Not bad. JD said, Another Manhattan, two hookers and a ticket for Carrot Top tonight, pronto.
- [72:28]
B
This guy gets treated well in casinos.
- [72:30]
A
Lawrence says voting in New Jersey is so easy.
- [72:35]
B
You know, I really like that one, but it is not making the commentary that the. The drawing is setting out to do, which is about the high gas prices. But. But it was different thinking. Lauren. I like that one.
- [72:52]
A
I like pump derangement syndrome.
- [72:56]
B
By the way, that was a call. She bet last night that he would say. He said it Trump derangement syndrome so many times.
- [73:02]
A
Yeah. All right. What do you like?
- [73:10]
B
I. What do I like? I don't know.
- [73:17]
A
You didn't seem blown away by anybody.
- [73:19]
B
No, not really. I like Lauren's thinking, though. All right.
- [73:25]
A
It's a tie to this week between Lauren with voting in New Jersey is so easy and Trump derangement syndrome. Ron Dvorak. Congratulations to you both.
- [73:36]
B
Yeah.
- [73:37]
A
Next week's comic is a woman sitting at a rooftop restaurant, looking out over the city skyline. And just over her shoulder is a giant ape. Think King Kong with her friend, who's in the grasp of the fist of the ape being taken away. What are they saying? What's happening?
- [74:02]
B
She took away monkey.
- [74:06]
A
There you go.
- [74:07]
B
Don't do that.
- [74:08]
A
Start with that. Everybody.
- [74:08]
B
Don't do that one.
- [74:09]
A
Let's get to the pros. Hagger, the horrible Hagar's daughter is standing at the door. She opens it up. She's inside. Her friend who plays the lute, her boyfriend is standing outside, and she goes, lute, I'm feeling sad tonight. And he goes, tell me what I can do to make you feel better. And then he's walking away sad. And she goes, thank you for canceling our plans. And she has a horse in her lap, face down, like it's clearly bestiality. So I don't. I didn't know she lives in a barn. She lives in a barn, and she has sex with. I mean, that horse is.
- [74:51]
B
I think she already satisfied. The horse. Look at it.
- [74:54]
A
Yep. The Lockhorns are eating dinner, and Leroy says to Loretta, these leftovers need an exit strategy.
- [75:03]
B
I like it.
- [75:04]
A
Yep.
- [75:05]
B
It's always good. All right, here's two. Here's two onions. It's just a guy, despondent, sitting on the side of a bed. You don't really need to know much. And the headline is one week sober. Man thought all problems would be fixed by now. And I think that describes my stepbrother. I think that's. He think. I think he thought that would be the key that turns all the locks. Yeah, it turns out it Wasn't. Then there's one. This isn't really political, so everyone calm down. It's picture of Trump at his desk on the phone. And it goes, trump comforts grieving war widow by assuring her he will never die. The way he talks, it's fascinating.
- [75:55]
A
Yeah. No, he said last night that when he's gone, the reporters are going to have nothing to write about because he's the only thing people care about. He's the only person that matters.
- [76:07]
B
Oh, man. Well, I mean, and again, I don't want to get political, but it's like he's just fascinating and that his rambling was. And again, let's leave content out of it. It's truly so extraordinary. And I sat there, I'm like, how are you still this surprised by. I mean, you hear every speech. I mean, there are people, there are accounts on Instagram and TikTok that are so popular, that are so successful because they try to summarize his speeches. And it's pure entertainment.
- [76:42]
A
Yeah, yeah. And you looked at all the shots of the crowd. People were looking away, they were looking at their phones, they were pouring giant glasses of wine. And the thing is, when I'm on stage and I'm not doing well, I'm looking for the fucking light. The second that red light comes on, I say goodnight and I get off the stage. This guy was supposed to do 15 minutes. He was bombing and he did an hour. Like, what was he thinking was happening in the room?
- [77:12]
B
Yeah, over an hour also. Yeah. Incredible.
- [77:16]
A
All right, all right, let's get down to and talk about incredible. Dagwood sitting in his blue chair. And off screen, you hear, dear, does this bathing suit suit look okay? And so now I'm suddenly, I'm paying attention to this second frame. She walks out, she has on a pink bikini with black polka dots on it. And I mean, the ass is coming out so round. And then picture a bowling pin for a thigh leading to a bowling pin for an ankle with the prettiest little feet, big breasts and dagger. She goes, I'll take that as a yes. And he goes, huh? And his hair is sticking straight up. And I, I just, I, I don't know. I didn't know that Dagwood had that in him. I didn't know that he could respond to a female body in this way. It gives me hope that somehow he'll meet her basic needs on some level. But I, I, if there's a third frame, it's him in the refrigerator right now.
- [78:21]
B
I think my argument, my take on it is he thinks there are two burgers stuffed in that top nights. Because he's staring right at it.
- [78:29]
A
Yep. Yep. The only thing that makes him that excited is food. Not.
- [78:33]
B
You know, this looks like a really old one.
- [78:37]
A
Yeah, I think it is.
- [78:38]
B
I have a theory because he could have drawn her hotter. She looks a little like ill defined up top. She looks bigger than she is. But I bet at that time he would have gotten notes like, tone it. Tone the drawing down a little bit.
- [78:56]
A
No, I looked at this week's Blondies. I didn't like any of them. And zero. Yeah, I googled sexy blondie cartoon and that one came up and so I grabbed it. So it very easily could be from like the 1940s or.
- [79:10]
B
It looks really old. Yeah, yeah.
- [79:14]
A
You know, it's not old. Is quo. Q U, O. Go to try quo and you're gonna get quo.com papers. You're gonna get 20% off your first six months. And you can try it for free for a little while. So do it. Also, I'll be coming to you in St. Pete's in a couple weeks. Anything you want to promote, Mike Gibbons, huh?
- [79:37]
B
Well, I saw this documentary. Now, you know I view documentaries. Sometimes the story is better than documentary. Perfect matches when both are great. This one, I think the story is better than the documentary, but it's called the Last Guest at the Holloway Hotel, and it's about this motel. It might even be motel, but I think I said hotel in the title. It's right across from Barney's Beanery in West Hollywood. And it was always there. And this old man who's European was the manager. And it's a documentary about that, and it's really pretty interesting. But again, I think it was a better story than doc.
- [80:15]
A
Okay, good.
- [80:15]
B
I have to rent it. You have to rent it right now. But it's getting a lot of chatter online.
- [80:21]
A
All right, well, thank you guys for listening, watching however you process the show, and we'll see you soon.
- [80:29]
B
Take it Eash.
- [80:30]
A
Take it Eash. I met my man crush, Greg Fitzgerald Simmons. He does Sunday papers podcasts with Mike Fitzgibbons. Sat down in the first row when my ticket was torn. With my Sunday papers T shirt proudly worn, Greg took to the stage. He hit on my wife. Then he missed the best hand job of his life from me. Sunday papers podcast.