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- [00:03]
A
Here we go. All right, read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday papers, second edition, new location.
- [00:20]
B
In a new location.
- [00:21]
A
This is the second edition. I. Full disclosure, we have already done about 20 minutes of the podcast.
- [00:28]
B
And, and then my wife loved our soccer knowledge. You would have just loved it.
- [00:33]
A
You're gonna get hammered. Basically. We talked about. I. I really poo pooed it at the beginning and now I have watched every single game for the last week. I can't get anything done in my life. I'm in love with the Norwegian player Holland. And obviously we're all pulling for Messi to keep pushing his record forward. But the USA team comes on and I feel like I'm watching gay porn. I know I'm supposed to get excited. I respect the athleticism, but I don't feel like I do when I. The other countries, it's part of their culture. They love stuff soccer, they live it year round and we can't even name a single player on our team. And yet when we win, crowds are screaming usa.
- [01:36]
B
I know, it's so much less soulful than all the other countries.
- [01:41]
A
They sing songs. They have like beautiful songs and dances and fun costumes.
- [01:47]
B
And then we, we sing John Denver. I. I've been given the opportunity because of technical difficulties to take back that. I said, if USA faces Mexico, there's literally no doubt on my mind. I'm rooting for Mexico, but I'm doubling down. Here we go, second attempt at this podcast. And I'm saying it again. I thought your gay porn example. I thought like you were going to say, like porn. As soon as the soccer comes on, you just release right in your pants. That's what I thought. I thought you were very excited about it.
- [02:19]
A
Well, there are hot, sweaty men in there and they're banging bodies against each other. It's just. I'm not feeling it.
- [02:27]
B
Well, listen, if you're not into it. Anyone listening? We're going to talk about Kalshi in a minute. And that has been so much of this experience for me.
- [02:37]
A
Yes.
- [02:37]
B
Under a category called mentions, but we'll get to that.
- [02:41]
A
All right, we'll get to that. But in the meantime, shout out to our buddy Tom o', Neill, who spoke in front of the Senate this week. They had a hearing about MK Ultra and he was one of three. I don't know why Three. That woman had no business being on there. Experts talking about it. And he made. He was very persuasive, he was very informed and I thought he came out great.
- [03:10]
B
Yeah, I have Not. I've only watched clips. It's on YouTube, I imagine it's on
- [03:15]
A
YouTube, but it only has his opening statement. It doesn't have the Q and A, which I thought actually went way more in depth and was more interesting.
- [03:23]
B
The MK Ultra hearings, I don't know exactly what they're called, but you can find them.
- [03:28]
A
Yeah. Maybe we should put it up on the. On the site.
- [03:32]
B
Yeah, let's promise that.
- [03:33]
A
Yeah, there'll be a link up on the site. Yeah. And then we're gonna actually do it. But. Yeah. What else did you watch?
- [03:44]
B
Jeff Buckley doc Finished the Jeff Buckley you did? Which I didn't need to finish. There was nothing like they were just going. They were really going in terms of what kind of documentary it was. Never mind the subject. They were really going, you know, trying to pull the heartstrings the last three minutes. Like, they watched the mom listen to his last voice message and cry, and they played, of course, hallelujah. So, you know, the ending was a little disappointing for me.
- [04:15]
A
Yeah. But it's also, you know, I thought that he committed suicide. Where? In this. It does. It doesn't seem like he did. I mean, it's not 100%, but it seems like the guy was just a weirdo who went swimming.
- [04:29]
B
I. I mean, based on what you see and based, you know, in the documentary, and then, like, when you then go down a rabbit hole with Wikipedia and other sources, it doesn't seem like he committed suicide at all. Like, he was. It seemed like he was in a really good place. The only thing that's fishy to me is all the messages he called everybody, including his mom, which they end on that. And it was like, I mean, what a message to her about the I love you. Like, over and over and over and over again. That's the only thing that's fishy to me is he could have had a grand design and then he went out when it felt most, you know, like on a new course.
- [05:17]
A
But if this is all new to anybody, this documentary about Jeff Buckley, and if that's new to you, go listen to an album called Grace, which is just one of the most beautiful albums of all time. And it's a documentary about his life.
- [05:33]
B
But that explanation of that channel he went in, which is like some back channel right off the Mississippi in Memphis, where the Army Corps of Engineers purposefully dug a deep V because they wanted it to pull. They. They were engineering the flow of this tributary and to pull debris and stuff down off the shores or something. Anyway, there was A tremendous undertow. And he went in fully clothed.
- [06:03]
A
Right. So I'm back from New York. That's why we did not have a show last week. I was doing just a ton of other podcasts. I did Bobby Kelly's Bonfire. I did We Might Be Drunk with Joe List and Sam Morrell. Or, I'm sorry, Mark Norman. Sam Morrell. I did three of my own podcasts. Louis CK Was supposed to come on. He got Covid. How embarrassing is that? Getting Covid in 2026.
- [06:34]
B
How do you even know? I'm surprised he tested for it.
- [06:37]
A
Yeah, it was pretty.
- [06:38]
B
I haven't watched his special yet. I'm psyched to do that. I think I might watch it tonight.
- [06:42]
A
Oh, yes. I can't wait to. I mean, I've seen the material because I opened for him on his tour a little bit.
- [06:49]
B
Right.
- [06:49]
A
And so it's. It's an amazing. It's amazing material, but I can't wait to see it.
- [06:54]
B
And that might be more interesting for you to see, like, what stayed, what changed.
- [06:58]
A
Right, Right. And then. And then I went off to the Hamptons and I did. I did a show for my friend's 60th birthday party. My billionaire friend. And smoked Cuban cigars, got massages. When I woke up in the morning, played on a private golf course. That is literally. There's a Jewish guy in the Hamptons, and he was not allowed into any of the country clubs. And so he said, fuck you. And he built. He bought the land and he built a golf course. This is how rich this guy is. And he doesn't charge anybody a membership fee, but. But his friends can play on it. And it is world class. It is like velvet fairways, undulating hills. I mean, it's one of the nicest courses I've ever played. And here's the best part. He stole the Greenskeeper from Shinnecock, which is the big club in the next town.
- [07:59]
B
The best part is he named the club Auschwitz to make everyone uncomfortable out there. Will show you.
- [08:06]
A
Yeah. And then I performed at my friend's birthday party, and I haven't been that nervous for a show in a very long time.
- [08:15]
B
Oh, wow.
- [08:16]
A
Well, because it was like all my. It was a bunch of my high school friends plus 200 uber wealthy people. And I was staying in my friend's mansion on the ocean in the Hamptons with 20 other people. That's how big the house is. And the show was Thursday night. I was then hanging out Friday and Saturday. So if I bombed, it would have been dinners, lunches, golf with the guy who bombed.
- [08:43]
B
Right. I think you would have snuck out.
- [08:45]
A
Oh, I think I would have, I think I would have bailed out. But luckily it went well and everybody was very nice to me and Happy birthday, Tom.
- [08:54]
B
Also, they probably would not have recognized you performed in blackface, which is what the billionaires requested, and so they wouldn't have even recognized you.
- [09:03]
A
There was one black guy at the party, and it was Steph Curry's father.
- [09:09]
B
Are you serious?
- [09:10]
A
Yeah.
- [09:11]
B
Oh, my God.
- [09:12]
A
Who I, who I was shitting on from the stage and didn't realize it was Steph Curry's father.
- [09:20]
B
Good instincts. Shit on the one black guy.
- [09:22]
A
Yeah, right. And then what else we got? We got a big wedding coming up this week. Were you invited, by the way?
- [09:34]
B
I, I, I, I sent a gift. Taylor Swift and Travis. Madison Square Garden, I guess it's happened. It's happening. Today is Thursday. As we're recording this, I think it's happening tomorrow. I don't know. And it's very bizarre. I mean, to me, Madison Square Garden, it seems like the worst idea ever.
- [09:58]
A
Yeah, well, you know, he's an athlete. He's used to being in an arena and then making some bad choices.
- [10:06]
B
Well, if it's like the Knicks, it's going to be an amazing day, and then it'll be 53 years till they feel great again.
- [10:13]
A
Yep.
- [10:14]
B
So good luck with that.
- [10:16]
A
And they get, and one of the, one of the participants leaves. You hear Robinson, Robinson got traded to the Celtics.
- [10:25]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I did.
- [10:26]
A
Yeah.
- [10:28]
B
So I, I know I haven't even. Listen, all I can handle is I'm, I'm learning, I'm learning about the World Cup. I can't really get into the NBA off season maneuvers at this point. Yeah, I, I turn on Sports Center. I'm not a Sports center guy, which is clear. I turn on Sports. I was like, I, I, there's, it's impossible to make it through that thing.
- [10:48]
A
Yeah.
- [10:49]
B
And I know how well done it is. I know it's, it's, and I know they pace it up. It's great. It's a great show. I'm not denying it. When they get into the weeds on the fourth or fifth or sixth person with their commentary on a Celtics trade, I'm, I just can't. No way.
- [11:11]
A
No, I'm a fair weather fan. I'm proud of it. You know, whatever, whatever finals are going on, whatever playoffs are going on, I get involved. You know, except for football, which I watch beginning to end, but other sports, I just pick it up. Yeah. I'll watch the majors in golf. I'll watch the Grand Slams in tennis.
- [11:35]
B
Well, we. We. On the first recording, I went into it. But. So today's Sunday. When you're hearing this, and that is England versus Mexico and the chatter. I can just can't get enough of the sports talk. I can't get enough of.
- [11:50]
A
Are.
- [11:51]
B
Is everybody talking about how England better, like, buckle up? I mean, they're going into the Azteca, and it's. And. And all these pros are like, that is crazy. And it's going to be, like, unbelievable.
- [12:09]
A
Well, also, what they have to factor in is the last game in Mexico, the Mexicans stood outside. Who did they play? They played a European team, and they stood outside and. With noisemakers and drums, and they kept the other team up all night.
- [12:29]
B
No, it was Ecuador.
- [12:30]
A
Oh, Ecuador. Yeah. I thought that was really.
- [12:33]
B
They don't care who they're playing. It's unbelievable. It's so. It's. And here in Los Angeles, it's. As you said, as. I think you said this on the other. Other podcast that we attempted this morning that we were at Panama and they. The whole. All the screens, everything blaring it in Espanol. I mean, that's what we listened to. Everyone crazy. The songs. It was like such a Mexican crowd. It was amazing.
- [13:00]
A
Yeah. And when they won, it was pretty exciting. But it's not going to be as exciting as the party at my house on Sunday. Well, you know what? Come to the first half. We're going to have a barbecue. We'll start early, and then we'll go cruise out on the second half down to Venice beach, where they're going to be showing it on big screens.
- [13:19]
B
Oh, man, I don't even think we'll get in there. That's the other thing. Now is the place we go anyway, Penmar. It's. It's. It's not enjoyable. Like, you just have to almost sneak a beer in because the. So when I went to the USA game, the line to get a drink was. Was 40 minutes. Yeah, the. The first bar. They had other bars in there to. In their defense, they had some other bars in there that were. That were much shorter than that, but nothing was shorter than 20 minutes.
- [13:48]
A
And if you want to bring your own wine in, you can, but they charge you $26 as a corking fee.
- [13:54]
B
Still quite a steal.
- [13:55]
A
Yep.
- [13:55]
B
Bring a $10 bottle of Trader Joe's wine in there, and you're doing fine.
- [13:59]
A
All right, let's get to it. The logo this week is from Bob, it is the. What is that? Washington Crossing the Delaware. Is that that famous painting?
- [14:12]
B
Yeah. Is it the Potomac?
- [14:14]
A
No, I think, I mean, I think
- [14:16]
B
it's famously the Delaware. Right.
- [14:17]
A
It's when, well, the Americans were in New Jersey and they were getting beat up really bad. Things looked awful. And then in the middle of the night, they got on that boat and they crossed the Delaware into Philadelphia.
- [14:35]
B
Yeah, he led, get this, man, it doesn't look like that many people in the little boat there. He led 2,400 troops in a daring covert crossing of the ice choked Delaware river from Bucks County. We got some people we know in Bucks County. Facing a brutal blizzard, they marched to Trenton, New Jersey and launched a surprise attack that successfully defeated the Hussein garrison.
- [15:05]
A
Saddam Hussein.
- [15:06]
B
Yeah, I know. That guy's everywhere. Yeah.
- [15:11]
A
Yeah. And they were battered. They were fucking shoeless at that point. They'd already fought the battle of New York and. And they lost. They were. They were fleeing at that point.
- [15:24]
B
Here, speaking of the painting we're showing, instead of the small rowboat featured in Emmanuel Lutz's famous 1851 painting, the army used heavy duty flat bottomed cargo vessels known as Durham boats and local ferries to haul men, horses and heavy artillery. The operation lasted 10 hours in pitch black fighting through freezing sleet, heavy snow, and fast flowing chunks of ice.
- [15:52]
A
God.
- [15:54]
B
And we're just slamming hot dogs thinking we know what we're doing here. Celebrating this.
- [16:00]
A
The song this week is from B. Bixel. Amazing. Loved it. Goes into the short list of songs. We want to rotate in if we ever run out of songs, which we never have after six years of doing this show, we have never not had an original song or original art. And we thank you guys for that again and again. And we solicit more. We could use some songs. We always love art like this that's topical if you want to send something in. And no corrections this week. How about that?
- [16:33]
B
I mean, is that because we didn't have a show last week?
- [16:37]
A
Yes.
- [16:38]
B
Oh, I see, I see, I see. I'm a little slow on the uptake
- [16:40]
A
tour dates coming up. Oxnard at levity Live on July 11th. Huntington beach at the mom on July 12th. Pittsburgh at the Improv July 24th and 25th. Then I'm coming to St. Pete's in 8-14-15, Cincinnati in Columbus in August. Then I'm coming to Vancouver, La jolla. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets, come out and see some live comedy. Give yourself a treat. Also, shout out as always to Gotham Production Studios, who does an amazing job on this show. Matt Peters. Thank you.
- [17:15]
B
Thank you.
- [17:15]
A
All right, let's get to it. Here's something we're more excited about really than any story in our script today.
- [17:22]
B
Listen, I'm excited about sheets with the NASA technology and all that, but I have to confess, I'm equally, if not more excited about this. I am all over Kalshi this these few weeks.
- [17:37]
A
Is it Kalshee or Kalshi?
- [17:39]
B
Kalshee. I don't even care. I like call Kalshee. Sounds like a cereal. I guess it's Kelsey. I don't know. But it's the largest placed predictions three minutes before we started on the Spain game. So it's old news for you listeners, but I need them to say the word Pele and they didn't say it yesterday. And here's the thing, you can go to mentions under kalsheet and you can predict what words they're going to say. Pele's record was surpassed by Kane on England and no one mentioned it in the two following games. So I did not do well with that prediction, but I did well with handball and I did well with penalty kick yesterday.
- [18:27]
A
Well, first of all, Cal State is the largest prediction market in the United States. You can predict. These are not. Here's the thing, you're not playing against the house. You're trading directly against other people. So when you buy like a yes or a no contract on whether something's gonna happen, it's kinda like buying a stock and the price is moved based on what other people think are gonna happen. And yesterday I hit on three, which was. They said crossbar, they said penalty kick and they said handball all in one game.
- [19:08]
B
So right now you can see, whoops, I turned it off. But I have penalty kick there. I'm trying to cover my. I have a penalty kick. And if they say either Pele or Maradona, I'm also very well.
- [19:24]
A
I'm predicting France to win, which pays me 1.5 back. I have. I have France going all the way. That will pay me one and a half percent. I have Venezuela going to the finals. That'll pay me like 4 to 1. And it just gets you into the games. It's so exciting to, to be checking it, you know, watching my account grow. I started with a hundred. I'm over 400 right now just on World cup plays.
- [20:00]
B
I can't believe the mentions don't happen more than they do because they have to fill two hours, basically.
- [20:07]
A
Yeah.
- [20:08]
B
And, yeah, I mean, I guess it needs to hit the crossbar. But I mean, if I was an announcer, I'd be like, oh, so it went three feet over the crossbar.
- [20:20]
A
Yeah.
- [20:21]
B
It doesn't have to hit it. Come on.
- [20:22]
A
Or sometimes you refer to earlier games. Sometimes it hits it and they go and hit the bar and you're like, no.
- [20:31]
B
Well, here's my strategy. And take it from me, it's not working. But if something happens, if a crossbar or penalty kick happens in a previous game, I load up on it for the next game. Because I'm like, aren't you going to refer to the previous game?
- [20:49]
A
Yeah, right, right.
- [20:50]
B
It doesn't even have to happen in the current game.
- [20:53]
A
Yeah. Like, Messi got a hat trick. So there's a good chance they're gonna say hat trick in the next game, supposedly.
- [21:00]
B
Right.
- [21:01]
A
But the great thing is you can do it here in California, you can do it in Texas, like places where you can't get involved in predictions in other states. So download the Kalshee app and use code soccer and 10, the number 10 to get $10. When you trade $10 or just held head to kalsheet k a l s h I.com r soccer10 and the code will already be applied. That's Kalshee. K A L S H I trade. What's next?
- [21:38]
B
Have you ever predicted the word nutmeg?
- [21:42]
A
They said it. And two games. I know.
- [21:44]
B
Yeah, I know. I didn't even know what they were talking about. I guess it's when you kick it between the guy's legs.
- [21:50]
A
Yes, that's a nutmeg, all right.
- [21:53]
B
Well, I mean, because it's. It's not adjacent. I don't even know. What do we got? Do we got paper?
- [21:58]
A
Yeah, what do we got? I got some paper. It's my. My Merrill lynch monthly statement, which is filled with errors. I have to check on. A pair of kissing daredevils scaled the Empire State Building's 1400 foot antenna in a cringe Instagram stunt. Before getting arrested, Angela Nicolau, 33, and her beau, Ivan Vanya Bierkas were carrying a banner reading quote, when the power of love beats the love of power, the world knows peace.
- [22:35]
B
I love these guys.
- [22:37]
A
After lingering at the top of the tower for 30 minutes, they made their way down to the viewing platform. He dropped to one knee and proposed. She was wearing a black cat mask with a ring she later flound flaunted on Instagram. The couple, who live in East Orange, New Jersey, was taken into custody upon reaching the ground and charges against them were pending. They allegedly Breached a mesh gate on the 102nd floor to reach it, which is usually used for maintenance. So I guess police became worried the two would jump when they learned they live in Orange, New Jersey.
- [23:16]
B
I think he took a knee and got tased. I mean, that's what. I'm guessing. He had to be right after it,
- [23:22]
A
which I think should happen in. In all marriage proposals. I think if. If you go down on one knee, you should get tased. What is the one knee bullshit? What does that even mean? It's so, like, medieval. Like.
- [23:36]
B
It is medieval. You're right.
- [23:38]
A
Like, I. I'm gonna go beneath you. I'm gonna. I'm gonna.
- [23:43]
B
Oh, it's all respect. It's all. Yes, I'm at your service. I beseech you.
- [23:49]
A
Yeah.
- [23:50]
B
Their honeymoon, it's great because they wanted to go to an island, so it's an exotic island called Rikers. Yeah. And.
- [23:58]
A
Yeah.
- [23:59]
B
So their dream came true.
- [24:01]
A
Oh, my God. You can. When you're laying in bed, you can hear. You can hear the water splashing against the rocks and the insane people screaming about how they're innocent.
- [24:13]
B
She threw a bouquet, and it killed A Korean woman 102 floors below. I don't want to really say the Korean woman is lucky, but she did sort of catch the bouquet.
- [24:24]
A
Yeah. I mean, I was trying to think of the New York Post headline that they put for this. What about Ring Kong?
- [24:33]
B
That's a good Post headline.
- [24:35]
A
That's a good Post headline. Usually people put their lives in danger after they get married, not before.
- [24:41]
B
Yeah. You want me to read this one?
- [24:45]
A
Yeah.
- [24:46]
B
Measles only needs a small opening, and it got one for the second year in a row. Cases of measles known as the world's most infectious disease. I didn't know that. Will hit record highs and 2026 is on track to be substantially worse than last year. In a matter of weeks, we're likely to blow past last year's total, hitting the highest number of cases in 35 years. Quote, this is a major public health warning sign. As of June 25, there have been 2,135 confirmed cases this year in the U.S.
- [25:21]
A
well, make America great again. You know, let's go back. Let's go back to when it was great, when you died of measles and black lung disease because we were mining coal. And plane crashes. Because now we've defunded the FAA Civil wars. Let's go back to civil wars.
- [25:42]
B
That's a good one. In defense of measles, don't we all Just need a small opening. That's what I thought when I read the headline. Also, these diseases, I looked up, like, old, old school. Like, as you said it, like, we're going back, making it great again. The plague, of course, leprosy. Then I found one called King's Evil, and that's historically referred to as scrofula, a form of tuberculosis affecting the lymph nodes in the neck. It's called King's Evil. That seems appropriate. That. That's making America great again. Let's bring back King's Evil.
- [26:18]
A
Oh, any. Yeah, any kind of a lymph node. Thing is, you know, those are fun because you don't know. Is it a deer tick? Instead of kids doing circle, circle, dot, dot in the playground to get vaccinations now. Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now I got the cootie shot. Remember that?
- [26:41]
B
No, I don't remember that.
- [26:42]
A
Remember that? Yeah, yeah. You'd make two circles on somebody's shoulder and you go, circle, circle, dot, dot. Now I got the cootie shot. And now they.
- [26:51]
B
I grew up in Eastchester. We were, we were playing Smear the queer, so we didn't have time.
- [26:59]
A
Now they play a game called Neil, Neil, pray, pray. Now I'm at my sister's grave. Yeah.
- [27:07]
B
Oh, yeah. Catchy.
- [27:08]
A
I know.
- [27:10]
B
All right, what do we got? Ethical.
- [27:11]
A
Ethical question. It's a light show today, folks. We are already at ethical question. Get a crunch.
- [27:20]
B
It's a different section, bro.
- [27:23]
A
So. All right, it's my ethical question for you, and I will ask you this. As a head writer, you are writing for a celebrity.
- [27:32]
B
Okay?
- [27:33]
A
He's your boss. She maybe is your boss. And that person has a joke for the monologue that night that you recognize as somebody else's. Yeah, maybe it's Chuck Sklarus from his standup act. And this host then says, you tell the host and they say, well, that's all right. He's a different person than me. I'll make mine a little bit different. What do you do?
- [28:04]
B
It's happened. It's happened before. And I express dismay. I don't know if that's the strong enough word. But I, I, I very respectfully let my opinion be heard. I've also been on late night shows where it was fake. Kind of like whether they would. I'm trying to watch what I say here. Where they would maybe reverse engineer, like, a letter. Like fan mail. Right. And I came from the. And you know, Leno did that all the time. I came from. And I was not on Leno. I come from the Letterman school, which is, they had to be real. And you just work harder or you keep looking for real ones that work. And I was an at Letterman in New York, so I can't say for sure, but everything I've heard, every syllable was real in those, any interaction with like the fans and fan mail and all that stuff. So that's another one where I want it to be authentic. But, but stealing or, or, or doing a joke that's already been done. Like, we have a staff, we can, we can swap that joke out for an original. And listen, sometimes you do a joke that's similar, but if you, if you know you are, that's the question. That's different.
- [29:28]
A
It's tough. And then sometimes it's not the host. Sometimes the writers will steal a joke. Like, I, I, I did a joke, I started doing a joke and I'd been doing it for like six months. And it was about, I said muslim women, it's, it's so unfair. You know, they don't even get the right to vote, which is so cruel. Cause they're actually dressed as voting booths, right? And yet. And so Jon Stewart did it and like word for word. And so I knew his head writer, so I wrote his head writer. I was like, hey, man. He goes, john did my fucking joke. And he's like, oh, a writer pitched that to him. We didn't know. And I said, well, you need to talk to that fucking writer. I mean, that's not a joke. Like this parallel writing. Like, I can see when two people think of the same concept, but that's a pretty specific joke.
- [30:26]
B
I agree. And I do know writing staffs are desperate even if you're in the union. This is where my uncle would laugh. Because my uncle is a union. He was. Uncle Johnny, you know, was a union man his whole life a steam fitter in the Bronx. And then he heard about the, my union, the Writers Guild where you can be let go every 13 weeks. In fact, there's, it's might be easier to let a writer go because you have to renew their 13 weeks, which, which requires a piece of paper. I don't think you have to do anything just to not renew them. And my uncle's like, what kind of union is that? Side note, he always had advice regarding unions. Like, as soon as my stepbrother Jeff, my uncle, thought he got in the teacher, the New York City Teachers Union, because Jeff was starting to substitute teach, which did not get him in the union. But Uncle Johnny for a minute thought he was in the union, he's like, oh, kid, you got to take a digger on the steps. You just got to fall down a staircase in the school. You're set for life.
- [31:32]
A
Oh, my God. I had an issue when I left, Ellen. They tried to. They had just picked me up for my 13 weeks, like two weeks before I left the job. And I won't get into the circumstances of how I was fired, but it involved me taking my first day off from work in over two years and coming back the next day and being fired for it because. Because I had to go to a funeral. And so anyway, they tried to not pay me, but the whole idea of the 13 weeks means if you get fired before your 13 weeks, they owe you all that money. The Writers Guild stepped in and they fought it and Warner Brothers fought it, and in the end, I got all the money.
- [32:22]
B
That's great. And my point was, writers are desperate to be picked up. So this writer at the Daily show was probably panicking. If the writer took your joke, was panicking, and really was trying to, you know, get a foothold in there and be picked up for another cycle of 13.
- [32:42]
A
Right? Let's get to entertainment.
- [32:46]
B
All righty, buddy.
- [32:49]
A
Chris Brown, he's back in the news. He stays in the news.
- [32:55]
B
He fights his way, he claws his way to stay in the news.
- [33:00]
A
He was ordered to pay his former housekeeper $13 million after she was brutally attacked by his 200 pound dog. Jesus Christ. In 2020, Maria Avila won her lawsuit against the yo crooner, whom she accused of negligence when his Caucasian shepherd ripped out large chunks of her skin and deformed her face in Tarzana. Avia, who was taking out the trash when she was attacked, also suffered an arm injury and now has mobility issues. Brown, 37, explained how he found Avi emotionless and in a lot of blood after being mauled. Quote, the blood kind of freaked me out, he told the jury, admitting that he left the scene before first responders arrived, per the alleged advice of his manager. Oh, Avi was taking out the trash when the incident occurred. Brown claimed he wanted to avoid causing a media frenzy or his voice being heard on a 911 call. He also argued that the attack was Avia's fault after she was warned about the dogs and told to go outside only when escorted by security.
- [34:14]
B
Oh, no.
- [34:16]
A
So Brown said he will not get rid of the dog because he gets to much pleasure out of knowing he owns a Caucasian.
- [34:24]
B
Oh, the blood kind of freaked me out. Also, the toilets were not cleaned, which freaked me out. I was very freaked out when I got home.
- [34:34]
A
Yeah, my egg salad sandwich was. It was sitting in the fridge.
- [34:39]
B
Well played by Chris Brown, though. Why didn't he blame the dog for attacking Rihanna?
- [34:42]
A
There it is. That's. That's it. Stephen Miller reached out to the dog about joining ice.
- [34:53]
B
It's very effective.
- [34:56]
A
Yeah, that's. I mean, I went to. I went to his Wikipedia page because I knew about the Rihanna thing, and I was curious if that was, like, an isolated bad behavior incident. This guy is like. He's like ti. Just a life of. Of crime after crime and a lot of violence. And he grew up. Apparently. He grew up and his stepfather beat his mom really badly and then tried to shoot himself and went blind in one eye and then got more violent and used to beat his mom, like, every night. So it's like. So it's good to see that he dealt with his past by recreating it.
- [35:41]
B
Yikes. Yeah. The Rihanna thing. I do not know what I'm talking about, but I have heard. I couldn't make this up.
- [35:51]
A
That.
- [35:52]
B
And this does not excuse it at all. I'm not saying any of that. I'm just talking about rumors. One rumor was that she gave him herpes.
- [36:01]
A
Really?
- [36:02]
B
And he freaked out. Yeah.
- [36:04]
A
You don't give somebody herpes. You share herpes.
- [36:07]
B
I. It is a gift that keeps on giving.
- [36:11]
A
Yeah.
- [36:11]
B
I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm going to look it up on Kelsey. This rumor. Let's. Let's. Let's predict whether the rumor is true or not. All right, it's time to make America, Florida, y'. All.
- [36:26]
A
Okay. Let's do it.
- [36:30]
B
All right. On June 24, deputies with the Nassau County Sheriff's Office reported to a single vehicle crash. A witness told deputies that the driver left the scene and went to a nearby residence. Body cam video shows a white pickup truck at an angle in the grass on the side of the road. Deputies saw the driver return to the crash site driving a tractor. The driver stated he was taking talking to a friend on the phone, was not paying attention, did not know how the crash occurred. Investigators said when they searched the pickup truck, they found a 15 pack of cold beer alongside multiple open containers on the floorboard. Deputies informed the driver that operating any motor vehicle in Florida roadways while impaired constitutes a dui, prompting the driver to respond the that he did not know that they then gave him drunk, like what you would call it, field sobriety tests, and he failed them miserably. And they put him in cuffs off of his tractor.
- [37:36]
A
I Mean, if that's true, if the DUI is a real thing, why do they sell beer at a gas station? And why does a cooler fit perfectly into my passenger seat? Explain that.
- [37:51]
B
That was my buddy Jack Auvm. They were all. Jack was given a mobile credit. Like a mobile card. I guess it was a credit card, but it was only good at mobile from his dad to if he needed gas, like to drive home for weekends or whatever it was. And the mobile station sold beer. Not only beer. I think they said those. Those Jenny balls, whatever. They're like mini kegs of Genesee. And that was their ticket. He never drove the car because he had to save all the credit for beer.
- [38:30]
A
Hilarious.
- [38:31]
B
Yeah, you're right. Gas stations sell beer. It's pretty.
- [38:34]
A
And by the way, a 15 pack, I thought it was. Isn't it normally a 12 pack? Is it in Florida? Are the extra three to make sure you can get over that 1.5 alcohol level.
- [38:44]
B
You got to get it done, man. You're in Florida.
- [38:47]
A
Damn. I wonder if condoms condoms come with. They come empty in Florida. Condom wrappers.
- [38:57]
B
Why? Why is that?
- [38:58]
A
Because they don't use protection.
- [39:00]
B
Oh, but you just buy the wrapper.
- [39:02]
A
Yeah.
- [39:03]
B
Okay. You know, the first time I heard about something that's true story. One of my best friends out growing up in. In West Hampton, it should have been a sign. We called him Doug the Drug. But anyway, Doug got arrested and a DUI on a moped and. And he was doing that so he wouldn't drive drunk.
- [39:26]
A
Yeah.
- [39:26]
B
And I. I remember. I remember that was the first time I ever heard of something like that. I'm like, that is so wrong. Like, let the. Let the buzzed guy on a moped just give him a warning. Pull him over. He's not going to take out a family in a. In a car.
- [39:42]
A
I guarantee. 9 out of 10 people that are on scooters or electric bikes at night are drunk.
- [39:50]
B
Oh, absolutely. If you're on one of these scooters on the street here, whipping around at night, you are definitely buzzed.
- [39:56]
A
Yeah, I remember I had a moped when I was. When I turned 14, I bought a Honda Express moped.
- [40:03]
B
It last forever.
- [40:04]
A
It was like 50cc's. You couldn't kill it. You could not kill it. And I took mescaline one day while I was at. In Rye because I was in detention for high school. I had. They used to give a Saturday detention. Like regular detention was before school. So I had to be at school at like 7am coming from Tarrytown. So I had to leave at like 5:30am and then if you missed. If you were late and you missed your morning detention, you had to come six Saturday from nine to 12. And so I left. I took mescaline around 11:30, and I got on my moped, and it's a good. Like, it's 15 miles.
- [40:46]
B
I cannot believe you drove all that way.
- [40:48]
A
Yeah, all the way through White Plains back roads. And I just remember it was sunny out and I was just. I was serpentining back and forth, and I went up to Rockwood State park, where we usually hung out on Saturdays and drank beer, played free Frisbee, tried to get to second base.
- [41:07]
B
It's funny. Saturday detention is where I met one of my lifelong friends, you know, Joe Tonetti. And it was Tarrytown. It was so far from my house. And so my mom was pissed. And then she shows up, and then she sees another furious mom. That's Joe's mom. We had to get those little poles with the. With the nails on the end to pick up garbage. That's what we did all over that campus in Tarrytown. And our two angry moms hung out. And I am still in touch with. That was eighth grade. And I'm still in touch with Joe today, of course. I mean, I just saw him in New York.
- [41:47]
A
Amazing.
- [41:48]
B
Yeah, it's perfect.
- [41:49]
A
That's why. All right. Breakfast Club was the perfect fucking movie. It was so great.
- [41:55]
B
Yeah. I didn't know public schools could do Saturday detention.
- [41:59]
A
Yeah.
- [42:00]
B
I never even put that together with Breakfast Club.
- [42:02]
A
All right.
- [42:03]
B
I thought that was just an elitist thing.
- [42:06]
A
Yeah. What's going on in Mississippi?
- [42:09]
B
You need a crinkle, Greg, do you not know how this works?
- [42:13]
A
So you're doing it.
- [42:15]
B
New section. Make America Mississippi. By the way. I say by the way. That's. That's a resolution. I'm going to say by the way. Less. In looking for these stories, Florida, it's layups. I have my choice of stories. I put in. I wound up in Mississippi because I put in Texas man, Texas woman, Kentucky man. Kentucky woman, Alabama man. Alabama woman. There. Every story was so dark, I couldn't use them.
- [42:47]
A
Yeah. Yeah.
- [42:48]
B
Anyway, then I tried Mississippi. A Horn Lake. Mississippi man pleaded guilty and was convicted Wednesday. So this is. With that said, this is what I landed on a horn lake. Mississippi man pleaded guilty and was convicted Wednesday of engaging in sexual acts with a dog. The headline was Mississippi man convicted of unnatural Intercourse with family dog. He's 27. He entered a plea to one count of unnatural intercourse. The Horn Lake police department says it Began an investigation after his then girlfriend discovered video of the sex acts on his phone and reported it to the police. Funny little details. She's dating the dog. The dog has a phone. I don't know how any of that worked. The guy is barred by a court order from any further contact with the dog. A Great Pyrenees Labrador mix named Toby.
- [43:46]
A
Well, they didn't mention till the end that it's a Great Pyrenees lab mix. I mean, good luck being home alone with one of those beauties and not throwing a move. They. They present when you pet them.
- [43:59]
B
I want to see pay per view this guy try to have sex with Chris Brown's dog. Oh, that's what I'd like to see.
- [44:09]
A
That should be his punishment.
- [44:11]
B
Yeah.
- [44:14]
A
Look, most of our relationships with dogs is foreplay. You know, you walk up, you do baby talk, you rub their head, they roll over, you rub their belly, you make cooing noises. I mean, it's a fine line in Mississippi when you've had it. When you've had a 15 pack. By the way, I love that they specifically say that it was unnatural. Unnatural intercourse. And it's because. Because it was a male dog. Is that, is that why it's unnatural?
- [44:52]
B
At Tosh Point Zero, the first show ever, we had a. We had a great clip which was these. This pit bull mounting another pit bull and humping it. And it was like in a park. And literally that video is in. In. It was in the pilot and then we put it in the first episode once we got picked up. And it was as it's humping the dog, you see that it's mounted a male dog. The male pit bull has mounted a male pit bull. And as it's. It's humping it, it throws up on its back. And we're like, we're like. Pit bulls are like rappers. Even if they're gay, they're disgusted by it. Yeah, it was crazy. But by the way, is the word unnatural needed in the phrase unnatural intercourse with family dog.
- [45:53]
A
Right, right.
- [45:54]
B
Couldn't you just put intercourse with family dog and we'll get the unnatural part.
- [45:59]
A
Yeah. I mean, it seems like if you're going to have sex with a dog, don't. Not the family dog. Get. Get a side dog, Right? Yeah.
- [46:09]
B
A little side piece.
- [46:11]
A
Yeah.
- [46:11]
B
And maybe one of those lab dog, you know, like a doodle Labradoodle.
- [46:17]
A
Yes.
- [46:17]
B
That came out of like a petri dish.
- [46:19]
A
Yeah.
- [46:20]
B
To make it. Make it truly unnatural.
- [46:22]
A
Right. All right, let's get to international.
- [46:25]
B
All right. International. You have to crinkle yeah.
- [46:31]
A
North Korea is carrying out. This is amazing because you never get news out of North Korea because it's just locked down. But some people, like escaped and gave this story. North Korea is carrying out arbitrary and brutally disproportionate punishments, including executions against citizens caught watching South Korean TV shows and other foreign media. Amnesty International reports. Based on interviews with 25 North Korean escapees, the report documents a system in which secret consumption of South Korean dramas and films is widespread spread, but the consequences ranging from public humiliation and years in labor camps to execution very depending on wealth and connections. So watching squid games is literally like playing a squid game.
- [47:24]
B
I had the same rules and punishments in my house when I caught my girls watching Sex in the City. Grey's Anatomy or Gilmore Girls. Those three. And it was corporal punishment.
- [47:35]
A
Yeah. And it varied depending on how much wealth they had and connections.
- [47:41]
B
I am not having a house where they're listening to whining victim women who are doing quite well and do not need to be complaining for an hour.
- [47:52]
A
Girls or Sex in the City?
- [47:55]
B
Oh, no. Grey's Anatomy, Gilmore Girls, Sex and the City. It's just chock full of whiny, complaining women who were doing great.
- [48:03]
A
Yeah. Yep, that's.
- [48:07]
B
And also, it's really the puns. I didn't want them to be exposed to such horrible attempts at humor in all three.
- [48:15]
A
Well, then throw in. What was the one that was all puns? It was.
- [48:22]
B
I mean, Sex in the City, Broke Girls.
- [48:24]
A
Two Broke Girls. Throw that in there.
- [48:28]
B
Crazy.
- [48:29]
A
Well, you know, while I think this is horrific, I would like to personally punch anyone in the face wearing a K pop T shirt.
- [48:39]
B
Oh, okay. Yeah, I like that.
- [48:42]
A
Do you. Have you seen K pop?
- [48:46]
B
Oh, my God. I think they said pele.
- [48:50]
A
There you go.
- [48:51]
B
I did. Well, okay. What do we got?
- [48:54]
A
Have you seen K Pop?
- [48:57]
B
What do you mean? K pop, the genre? Yeah, yeah, of course I've seen K pop.
- [49:01]
A
What do you think of it?
- [49:02]
B
BTS and all that? Yeah, it's not as offensive to me as Taylor Swift.
- [49:07]
A
I feel the same way.
- [49:10]
B
Yeah, it's not that bad to me. I don't even know why I said that. I don't. I don't understand it. But you people, people are all in there singing along. I'm a mad and also pretty charismatic. Especially that BTS guy. Pretty charismatic performers for sure.
- [49:26]
A
Yep.
- [49:28]
B
But I.
- [49:28]
A
By the way, the Korean team, when the Korean team got knocked out of the World cup, they came home and there was crowds of people at the airport jeering and booing them and throwing stuff oh, wow. Yeah, it was brutal. And then the coach. The coach, like, fired himself in shame.
- [49:50]
B
Oh, my God. Yeah. I was worried about some of those Japanese players. Like, it was very heartfelt. They stayed out there, they bowed, they thanked all their fans, and. And the. You know, all of them are, like, are boxing each other out to take the blame. It's that, you know, like. And I'm just. I hope they're. I hope none of them do something stupid because, boy, does that country feel shame.
- [50:14]
A
Yeah.
- [50:14]
B
Yeah.
- [50:15]
A
Meanwhile, jets fans, they. They just keep showing up.
- [50:20]
B
Oh, my God. Wait a minute. Did. Didn't I send that to you?
- [50:23]
A
Right?
- [50:23]
B
That was an amazing. It wasn't the Onion, but it should have. It's. It wouldn't be the Onion because it's not a joke, but I think I sent it to. Hold on, I'm going to find it. It's worth it. Where are we? Here we go. It is. Here we go. It's about the Jets. Shit. Anyway, the. I forget which team has, like, one of the soccer teams has more wins in MetLife Stadium than the jets did last season. It's truly.
- [51:06]
A
Wow.
- [51:07]
B
It's crazy.
- [51:08]
A
That's great.
- [51:10]
B
Oh, the French. The French national team. I don't know why it's not showing me. This one up. Here it is. With their wins over Sweden and Senegal, the French national team has as many wins at MetLife Stadium in the World cup as the New York jets did in the 2025 NFL season.
- [51:30]
A
Unbelievable.
- [51:31]
B
Perfect. Perfect.
- [51:32]
A
Yeah. So we got. All right for Spain versus Australia. I've got crossbar and handball, so we'll see if that comes up. All right, science and tech. Let's do a quick science and tech.
- [51:50]
B
All right, do it.
- [51:52]
A
Researchers have uncovered a compelling connection between the shingles vaccine and reduced risk of. Of dementia. So the foundation for these findings came from a shingles vaccine program that allowed residents age 79 and older to receive the vaccine, creating distinct groups of vaccine eligible and vaccine ineligible individuals based purely on birth date. So we're. So I guess what they're saying is people dumb enough to not get vaccines are about to get even dumber.
- [52:28]
B
Yeah, it's crazy.
- [52:33]
A
Have you gotten the shingles?
- [52:35]
B
Well, so I wrote this here. I truly couldn't remember if I got the second shot, so I think it's too late because my memories also shot. But I then did remember. But that's even interesting. So what happened was I went for a checkup or whatever, and I love my general guy also, especially because he's free under my union thing. And he's like, oh, you're due for the second one. I did not remember getting the first one. And that was the year earlier. And he goes, the vaccine, the shingles vaccine is two shots. And a lot of times you just do it the next year. So anyway, I'm like, yeah, whatever. All right, great. So he gave me the vac. The shingles vaccine shot, and then I left and all that. Around 1am I woke up shivering, so freezing with a, like a fever. And it was one of those where I'm under the covers, breathing under it to try to warm it up. And there was like another blanket, like in a closet, like across the room. Too cold, too cold to get up and go get that. And by the time I woke up in the morning, like, everything was fine. But he told, he warned me, which I forgot, that, hey, some people on the second shot especially have a reaction, but it doesn't last long at all.
- [54:00]
A
Yeah, I had no reaction on the first shot. Second shot, I had like a three day low grade flu. Nothing horrible, but way, way stronger than the first.
- [54:10]
B
I guess I'll take mine. I had a short spike, but they
- [54:13]
A
say that actually means it's working, done.
- [54:17]
B
Maybe my dementia. That's why I remember it now. I remember everything.
- [54:21]
A
Speaking of remembering, let's go to this day in history.
- [54:24]
B
There you go.
- [54:28]
A
All right, lay it on me.
- [54:29]
B
Yeah, I gotta find it, bro. Hold on. Here we go. Things happened. Things happened on this day.
- [54:36]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [54:36]
B
I'm not, I'm not going to talk to you about the Canadian cod fishery collapse because I don't think you'll get that. But I am going to talk to you about, well, Eli Wiesel. Did you ever take a class with Eli Wiesel?
- [54:48]
A
I did not. He was a professor at Boston University. Holocaust survivor, great author, won the Nobel
- [54:55]
B
Peace Prize in 1986. All right, we're going to skip him. We just gave him his shout outs. That's good. American actor James Stewart, he died. Going to give you a clue here at the age of 89, in what year? Give or take six years.
- [55:15]
A
All right, It's a Wonderful Life came out. Was that black and white? No, that was color.
- [55:23]
B
Oh, my God. It was black and white.
- [55:25]
A
Was it black and white?
- [55:27]
B
Was it both? No, but it was black and white.
- [55:30]
A
All right, so the edge of black and White was like 19, what? 40, 45. So he would have been 25. He was born in 1920. 79 years would be 80.
- [55:42]
B
He died at 89.
- [55:43]
A
Oh, my goodness, 89. So 90 years after 29,009. I'm going to say.
- [55:49]
B
Good for you. He died in 1997.
- [55:53]
A
Did I get it? I know I didn't get it.
- [55:55]
B
No, he died in 1997.
- [55:58]
A
All right, so he was older and this is Wonderful Life than I thought.
- [56:05]
B
Yeah, but that's. That's interesting because I guess 25, he had just returned from the war.
- [56:14]
A
Oh.
- [56:15]
B
When he made that movie. Right.
- [56:18]
A
So he shouldn't have been much more than 25.
- [56:24]
B
I don't know.
- [56:25]
A
Maybe I've got the year of the movie wrong.
- [56:29]
B
Yeah, that's it. Yeah. How come my math is failing thinking about that. I'm sure we're frustrating listeners who are doing the math perfectly, but that seems like it would have been later anyway. Are you Googling how old he was when he made the movie?
- [56:43]
A
It's a Wonderful Life was made in 1946, which is exactly what I predicted.
- [56:48]
B
And he had just gotten back from the war. Even if you put them at 30,
- [56:57]
A
that he was born in 1908.
- [57:00]
B
He had to be 40.
- [57:01]
A
Oh, no, no, no. In 1908. So he was 35. He was 38 when he made that movie. So you couldn't have been right back.
- [57:13]
B
What was he doing in the war at 37?
- [57:16]
A
I don't know.
- [57:18]
B
That's what's throwing me off. All right, this is the most interesting this day in history ever. Okay. The United States first issued the Susan B. Anthony dollar, which we have. We. We play with a lot in golf, making Anthony the first woman to be depicted on US currency. What year did the Susan B. Anthony dollar debut, give or take 10 years?
- [57:50]
A
Well, let's see. Women's rights came about in the start in the 50s, stronger than 60s.
- [57:56]
B
So I would say that's a long ramp. Go ahead.
- [58:00]
A
I would say 1959.
- [58:03]
B
1979.
- [58:06]
A
Oof.
- [58:07]
B
Women weren't fully human yet.
- [58:09]
A
In 59. Come on now.
- [58:10]
B
In 79.
- [58:12]
A
Okay.
- [58:12]
B
All right. American businessman Sam Walton opened the first Walmart, which was then known as Wall Hyphen Mart, in Rogers, Arkansas. It was the start of what would become the largest retail sales chain in the United States. When did the first Walmart open? Give or take 10 years.
- [58:39]
A
All right, so he's dead. I think he was old. So he died at 80, I think. I feel like he died 10 years ago. So 1580. From 2015 is 45. I'm going to say he opened it in 1951.
- [59:05]
B
I love it. First of all, that was a wild journey you took to get there, but I said give or take 10 years. It's 1962. You missed it by a year. And by missed it by a year, of course I mean you missed it by 11 years.
- [59:21]
A
I had him opening his store way younger than he really was, I guess.
- [59:25]
B
Amelia Earhart disappeared over the central Pacific Ocean during her attempt to parallel park in her attempt to fly around the world, give or take five years. When did Amanda Earhart disappear?
- [59:44]
A
Jesus.
- [59:46]
B
Well, I thought you would do some good math on this.
- [59:49]
A
All right, so the first flying was in the 20s, right? Teens to 20s. She's a woman, so she wouldn't have started it right away. Was it before World War II? Probably not. So I'm gonna say 1957.
- [60:11]
B
Oh, 1937.
- [60:13]
A
Oh, it was before the war.
- [60:15]
B
Yeah. No, I thought you were gonna get it when you said that. All right, Medgar Evers, you're gonna get. See here? Garfield, you're not going to get. That's James Garfield.
- [60:29]
A
I will get him.
- [60:31]
B
You want to. You think so?
- [60:33]
A
Yeah.
- [60:34]
B
He was shot on this day and he died several weeks later. What year was James Garfield shot on this day? Give or take? I mean, what do you want? You tell me, what do you want? I would give you 20 years.
- [60:51]
A
All right, give me 20 years.
- [60:52]
B
Oh, Jesus. Boy, you really know it, huh?
- [60:55]
A
Yeah. Okay, all right, I'm gonna say it was. 1905,
- [61:11]
B
1881.
- [61:13]
A
I just watched a TV show based on him. Literally just watched a fucking four episode series about Garfield.
- [61:22]
B
All right, we're going to end on an easy one, but it's going to be, give or take two years. Okay, Back to the Future starring Michael J. Fox was released in American theaters on this day, in what year, Give or take two years.
- [61:39]
A
All right, I was. I graduated high school in 84. I feel like this movie came out right around then, so I'm just gonna say 84.
- [61:47]
B
I love it. Look at this happy note. 1985.
- [61:51]
A
Nice.
- [61:52]
B
Very good.
- [61:53]
A
Got one right. Jesus, that was a rough one.
- [61:57]
B
I love it. I love it. All right, what else we got?
- [62:01]
A
All right, we got letters to the editor.
- [62:05]
B
I got a P. That's what I got.
- [62:07]
A
All right, this is a note from Albert Corrado, who says, and I kind of like this suggestion. For prize of winning comedy caption contest, official Sunday paper certificate of comedy caption contest selection. You have your production company, Gotham, create a certificate that includes the comic, the joke, submitted producer credit and signatures from Mike and Greg. Then you mail it off to them and they can frame it, put it on their wall. What do you think?
- [62:42]
B
It somehow sounds like more work than the Koozies. Once you have the koozies. No, it's a great idea.
- [62:52]
A
I think it's a great idea. Well, what if we did it all
- [62:55]
B
digitally in our shareholder meeting like next June?
- [62:59]
A
You won't even do a three minute pre production meeting for this show without bitching.
- [63:03]
B
We keep it fresh, we keep it real.
- [63:06]
A
I think we do it all digitally and mail it off.
- [63:12]
B
Why couldn't we email it?
- [63:15]
A
That's what I'm saying.
- [63:16]
B
Oh, sorry.
- [63:17]
A
Yeah, that's what digital means.
- [63:19]
B
Right, right, right, right. Okay, so you're ignoring this guy with this stampin envelope.
- [63:23]
A
Yeah, yeah, forget that. That's because our production company's in New York, we're in la. It'd be impossible.
- [63:29]
B
I'm gonna let you and the producers discuss it.
- [63:34]
A
Okay. Tricia says, I was listening to Mike tell the story and everything's a lottery ticket, he said, and you have to get lucky so you need as many. And then Greg cut him off. No shade to Greg, but I would really love to hear the whole story from Mike. He said that he uses it in his classes at usc. I think I'd like to use it with my clients. Would you revisit that and have Greg shut his yapper long enough for Mike to get through the story? Love you both. Take care, Trisha.
- [64:03]
B
Well, Trisha, listen. Regarding lottery tickets. It's life. And your careers are a lot like lottery tickets. You're not going to win. Is that. I think that's what Greg cut me off from saying. So it's just. Don't even try.
- [64:17]
A
That's why I try to keep the show more positive than that.
- [64:21]
B
No, I thought I did finish the thought. But basically what I tell students and everything is you have to start viewing everything as a lottery ticket. No matter how talented you are, you're also going to have to get lucky. And even if you're very talented, you might get like, you know, an okay job. But if you really want the job, the dream job and all that stuff, you're. You're going to have to get lucky. And so when you're. Should I take that meeting? Yes, it's a lottery ticket, but it's even down to minimal things like I'm kind of tired tonight. Do I want to go out to this? And in our business it's like go to this open mic night or go to this bar that has a comedy show and meet people at the bar. Going out is a lottery ticket. Every person you meet at the bar is a lottery ticket. Every person you meet on a job is a lottery ticket. Internships, I tell my daughters, I go, even if you're at a crappy job. I wish I had had a better attitude because everyone there knows who worked hard and now they're going to be on a new show. And most jobs in entertainment are startups. A startup means it's full panic mode and you need to win early. And so the boss will ask, does anyone. Do you know any good people? We need good people here, reliable, smart. And so if you have. If one of your lottery ticket people is working there, you're going to get a call, hopefully. So that's what I meant by that. You have to start viewing it that way and have as many lottery tickets as you can to increase the chances of it paying off.
- [65:57]
A
Well, you know who lost the lottery ticket this week? We'll find out in the obituary.
- [66:02]
B
Oh, boy. But thank you for writing in Trisha. Obituary. Oh, man, I saw this one. Victor Willis, the Village People lead singer. The cop dies at 74. That's a long life for a cop on the front line, I gotta say.
- [66:20]
A
Yeah.
- [66:21]
B
In 1977, he teamed up with the late producers Jacques Morale and Henri Bialolo. I think that's how it is to create and form the Village People, embodying the group's cop. Admiral. I didn't know. I didn't know about Admiral, but cop slash Admiral. Admiral. Admiral character. Why can't. I'm having trouble that word. Willis left and returned to the group several times in the years that followed, but returned for Good in 2017. He was previously married. This is why I put this in there. To Felicia Rashad from 78. I did not know that. From 78 to 82. He remarried in 2007 and is survived by his wife, Karen Huff Willis, an entertainment executive and attorney. What shocks me about the Felicia Rashad is that she's around Cosby doing his things not long after. And a policeman was so close to the man.
- [67:19]
A
Oh, he wasn't in character enough. He was only playing the cop. Oh, my God. And then they could have put Cosby in the Navy or locked him up at the ymca.
- [67:33]
B
Yeah, I think.
- [67:34]
A
I think if they were going to do this on the news, it would be lead story tonight, founding member of the Village People did not die of aids.
- [67:43]
B
Oh, boy.
- [67:44]
A
Also in the news, he was married to a woman. And final story, he was married previously to another woman. Well, that'll do it for tonight.
- [67:57]
B
Here's the thing. They were gigantic. I mean, it was like many number one hits. I think while we were growing up, it was on the radio constantly. There were dances for, you know, ymca, obviously, and, you know, Trump is still. That's a whole other part of it. They originally asked Trump to remove it from his campaign trail where they'd be playing it. And then I imagine some deal happened, cuz then they were okay with it. To the point where the Village People played, I think, his inauguration.
- [68:33]
A
No way.
- [68:34]
B
I'm not kidding. Which also points to him not being gay, I think. But anyway, you get older and you realize this is the gayest camp band. Almost like a joke. I mean, their songs were solid for disco, but like, almost like a joke band that would play in the Village. And then it got bigger and bigger and bigger. So I remember asking my mom, like, so the Village People, like when I was. When we were singing along to it as kids and everyone my age, I'm like, did all of you adults, like, know, like, this is wild, because that is the gayest band ever? And she's like, no.
- [69:12]
A
Yeah.
- [69:14]
B
And this is like, smart Bronx mom like that. People just didn't know it was a gay thing.
- [69:19]
A
No. Liberace was just a piano player who sang in Vegas. He was famous because of Vegas.
- [69:25]
B
Right.
- [69:26]
A
You know, and you know that, by the way, that was my first concert. The Village People.
- [69:34]
B
You don't have to say that out loud.
- [69:36]
A
Yeah.
- [69:37]
B
And in a public forum like this,
- [69:39]
A
I. I was probably 10, and my dad, who was in radio, if people don't know, would sometimes emcee events. And he was emceeing a beauty pageant in Long island, and my whole family went out. We spent the weekend in Long island and we watched my father host it. And at the end of the pageant, the Village People came out and played like, five songs.
- [70:07]
B
Incredible.
- [70:08]
A
Yeah.
- [70:10]
B
I'm getting live updates. The announcer has said, bicycle soccer, penalty kick, and pele.
- [70:21]
A
Did you have all of those?
- [70:23]
B
Oh. He also said crossbar pitch. Rams and Chargers and nutmeg.
- [70:31]
A
No.
- [70:32]
B
Oh, my God. Nutmeg. Nutmeg. Oh. Would have been huge.
- [70:37]
A
I need handball. That's. That's the. I bet. Crossbar and handball.
- [70:40]
B
The only one he hasn't said.
- [70:42]
A
I know. One for two. All right, let's cheer up after this horrible news about the Village People. With the. With the funniest. Every week we play the comedy caption contest where you guys send in your punchlines for one frame of a comic strip that we give you. We choose the ones we like, and then we have the finals, and then we pick a winner, and then we'll see what happens with the winner. But for now, just Send them in to fitzdogradiomail.com do me a favor, folks. Put your name directly underneath your punchline. It helps a lot. Thank you so much for your consideration with this. All right, so last week's was a very simple. There's a boxer, he's sitting on a stool between rounds. He's got a big black eye. He looks pretty tired. Black eye, huh?
- [71:35]
B
Black guy or eye?
- [71:37]
A
Black eye.
- [71:39]
B
Oh, all right.
- [71:40]
A
Although a black guy probably has a black eye as well. Right? And a black arm, technically.
- [71:47]
B
You got it.
- [71:49]
A
And so the trainer is talking to him. And what do you guys say? He said, Lane said, from Denver, I think your wife won that round.
- [72:01]
B
Okay.
- [72:03]
A
Jim Walsh said, I'm so proud of you, son. You look just like your mother right now.
- [72:09]
B
A lot of family violence.
- [72:12]
A
Ben said, you put your left arm in, you put your left arm out, you do the hokey pokey and you turn around.
- [72:20]
B
I don't get that one, but okay.
- [72:22]
A
I don't either. Albert said, and the good news, I'm fucking the ring girl.
- [72:30]
B
That's not bad.
- [72:31]
A
I know. That was Kenny Engel. Yeah. This one's from Albert. I just saved 15% on my car insurance.
- [72:40]
B
Okay.
- [72:42]
A
The coach says, I haven't seen you this beat up since you worked for Ellen.
- [72:49]
B
All right. Very personal there. Oh, this last one's hard. This last one's horrible.
- [72:55]
A
Wade said, good job with the taunting and all, but his name is actually Digger.
- [73:00]
B
That. That's a stretch and not worth it.
- [73:03]
A
Do you have somebody mowing your lawn or something?
- [73:06]
B
Oh, do you hear that?
- [73:07]
A
Yeah.
- [73:08]
B
Yep. The one day, the one minute, they do it outside.
- [73:12]
A
Hilarious. All right, who do you like?
- [73:19]
B
I don't know, man, that's a tough one.
- [73:22]
A
It sounds like you liked. On the good news, I'm the ring.
- [73:25]
B
I guess so. I mean, you need a little. A little institutional knowledge of famous jokes. But I like that one.
- [73:33]
A
Congratulations, Kenny Engel. You are the winner. And we will get a.
- [73:38]
B
You're gonna get a printed out document.
- [73:40]
A
Yeah, maybe we're gonna send you a certificate. That'd be pretty cool.
- [73:43]
B
I like the maybe that you put in there.
- [73:46]
A
Next week's comic is very simple. It's a judge and he's sitting at his. Behind the desk there, his podium. And there are. There is a lawyer who is speaking to the judge next to a gentleman who is handcuffed. So the lawyer talks to the judge while his defendant in cuff stands beside him. What did he say?
- [74:11]
B
There you go.
- [74:12]
A
Let's get to the pros. Hagar is standing at Court, there's a king who said he's talking to another guy. He's talking to a guy in a green coat. And the king says, why did you steal apples from the Royal Orchard? And the guy says, I was told that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Then the guy goes, he's been seeing my wife. And then Haggard just says, I'm here for the stories. So he's eating apples so that the doctor stops graping his wife. Is that gonna help?
- [74:48]
B
I know. I don't get that.
- [74:50]
A
The word seeing is obviously used in place of graping.
- [74:55]
B
Yeah, I think you're right.
- [74:57]
A
Yeah. Okay. Lockhorns were on fire this week. They're at a cocktail party. Loretta talks to her friend. Leroy can hear her. And she goes, leroy's leaving his brain to science, because every little bit helps.
- [75:11]
B
Tiny bit.
- [75:13]
A
And then Leroy is talking to. Leroy, is with his friend, and Loretta is talking to her friend, and she. And he says, when Loretta says, if I said it once, I'll say it again. Believe her.
- [75:26]
B
I see. These are. You know, they're not big swings, but they're better than all the other ones that mail it in.
- [75:32]
A
And then Leroy is on the phone, and he says to Loretta, hold on. I'm being transferred to a different robot.
- [75:39]
B
I like that.
- [75:40]
A
And then finally, they're inside of a fast food restaurant, and there's one of those electric menus that you order off of.
- [75:48]
B
Very contemporary. Yes.
- [75:50]
A
He goes, great. They've taken the worst things about Drive Thru and brought them inside.
- [75:55]
B
That's just straight up commentary.
- [75:58]
A
Yep.
- [75:59]
B
All right, we got an onion. This was this week. It's pretty funny. It's a picture of a soccer pitch. That's all you need to know. And it just says, report, Colon, report. That's enough soccer for now.
- [76:15]
A
Yeah, I gotta take a break, man. I gotta take a break. But Portugal's playing later today. We gotta see if. See if Ronaldo can keep the magic going.
- [76:25]
B
Yeah.
- [76:26]
A
Let's get to Blondie to wrap it out. Now, these are my favorite ones because they are in bed, and Blondie's reading a book. Dopey has a pillow over his chest, and he goes, honey, do you realize we've never had a pillow fight? And she goes, that's probably because we aren't exactly a pillow fight kind of couple, sweetheart. And then he takes the pillow and he swings it around, and he goes, oh, come on. Grab your pillow and give it your best swing. And then he swings it again, and he goes, too bad you don't know what you're missing. And then she hits him in the head with a pillow. He falls off the bed, and she goes, oh, my God. Goodness. And she goes, you were right and I was wrong. Hmm. All right, you're in bed. A pillow fight with your wife in bed is foreplay. It leads. You hit her a couple times with the pillow, she hits you. You roll around. Next thing you know, you're rubbing genitals. Instead, this idiot is on the ground in donut pajamas, and she's on all fours on the bed, presenting. And he still doesn't get it.
- [77:35]
B
I mean, there's two giant pillows right in front of his face.
- [77:39]
A
That's right. That's right.
- [77:41]
B
Yeah.
- [77:42]
A
All right, well, listen, Mike and I are going to have a big day with Kalshee. Or Kalshee, however you want to say it.
- [77:48]
B
I am. I got to get more in there.
- [77:50]
A
If you want to get more in there, you go to Kalshee. It's real simple. Go to the app and use code soccer number 10 to get $10. When you trade, $10. Real easy. Also, don't forget, I'll be coming in California this weekend. Oxnard and Huntington beach on the 11th and 12th. Mike, anything you want to promote?
- [78:14]
B
Yes. Go, Mexico.
- [78:16]
A
All right. There we go.
- [78:17]
B
Take an ace.
- [78:18]
A
Enjoy. Take it, Ash. Here we go. All right, read all about it.
- [78:36]
B
Okay. Okay, Sam.