Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike 8/2/2026 | Greg Fitzsimmons

Summary

Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike – August 2, 2026

Hosts: Greg Fitzsimmons and Mike Gibbons
Theme: A humorous roundup and discussion of the week’s most bizarre, entertaining, and head-scratching news stories, alongside personal anecdotes, games, and listener engagement.

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Episode Overview

This week, Greg and Mike dive into their classic “read all about it” style: lampooning headline news, dissecting oddball stories, and sharing banter-filled life updates peppered with dark comedy. From music festivals and wild golf bets to mutated sharks, the Sturgis biker rally, and the ethics of hiding inherited money, the duo keep it fast, conversational, and funny—with running jokes about death, maturity (or lack thereof), and the absurdities of both politics and pop culture.

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1. Opening Banter & Life Updates (01:22–07:41)

Stress & Routine

• Mike shares he’s feeling stressed for no clear reason, despite a light August:

  “I’m so fucking stressed, I don’t know where it’s coming from. I feel like I need to, like, shake it out.” (01:52, Mike)

• Aaron (filling in for Greg at parts) notes he feels the opposite—routine suffocates him.
• Discussion about dealing with sudden changes and how deaths in the family (Aaron’s stepfather) disrupt their routines.

Wild Weekend Plans

• Aaron’s schedule: golf with mushrooms and drinks, then Vegas for an indoor AC/DC show at Allegiant Stadium (thanks to friend Chris Cheney of Jane’s Addiction), followed by a solo trek to Santa Barbara for a Sierra Ferrell concert whom both hosts adore.

  “Boy, when you say it like that, I don’t know why I constantly think about killing myself. It sounds amazing.” (07:35, Aaron; in jest)

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2. Golf Talk: Stories and Absurdities (08:12–13:03)

• Wild Golf Bets and Etiquette: Mike shares a story about playing for money when a friend mistakenly picked up and throws his ball, leading to accusations of cheating.
• Experience at Hillcrest: Aaron describes playing at the famous LA “Jewish”/Comedians’ club, marveling at the course’s size and its three-tier green.
• Traveling Golfers: Mike recounts being recognized by over-the-top golfers on a plane, who were bragging about exclusive New York courses and hotels.

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3. Sturgis Bike Rally – Morbid Stats & “Betting the Over/Under” (13:20–19:28)

Listener Robert writes in requesting over/under bets for the infamous Sturgis Bike Rally, focusing on:

• Biker deaths
• Accidents
• Shootings
• DUI arrests
• Felony/misdemeanor arrest numbers

Stats & Banter:

• Last year: 4 deaths, 66 injuries, plus high DUI/felony numbers.
• Mike predicts the over on nearly all bets, especially arrests—“That’s a weekend. That’s one or two days.”
• Aaron (sarcastically): “Maybe they should put nets in all the ditches near any turn.” (16:01, Aaron)
• Morbid riffs about crowd safety, helmet use, and the “carnival of carnage” that is Sturgis.

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4. Music & House Music Origins (19:39–21:16)

• New theme song submission leads to history of house/techno music:
  • Moby’s “house music” origin: started in a literal house in Chicago.
  • Mike connects the sound to the rise of digital tech in music.
  • Quick aside about “Art of Noise” being a touchstone for both.

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5. News Round-Up (26:29–39:24)

a. AI Map Snafu – State Department (26:29–28:21)

• US State Dept. ridiculed after an AI-generated map swapped and mislocated African countries.
  • Jokes about Nigeria, “shithole country” labeling, and Nigerian prince scams.
  • Mike: “I used AI to plan a trip for me to Africa. It put me in touch with this Nigerian prince…”

b. Boy Scouts Diversity Rollback (28:24–30:32)

• Scouting America eliminates inclusive spaces (for LGBTQ, women, POC) after Pentagon pressure.
  • Satire about “safe tents,” Girl Scouts’ real function (“child laborers in short dresses”) and hand-job badges.
  • Sharp commentary on culture war fallout.

c. Sharkzilla – Mutant Shark Hysteria (31:27–33:55)

• NY Post reports giant mutant shark, possibly “nuclear,” off NYC coast, attacking whales, seals, and tuna.
  • The hosts riff on Marvel/origin-movie clichés and apocalyptic scenarios:
  • Mike: “Did Stan Lee write this article?” (31:27)
  • Aaron: “At some point we're going to need a bigger nuclear sub…” (31:58)

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6. Discussion: The Murdaugh Murders Saga (33:39–34:44)

• Hosts’ confusion about the ever-twisting, true crime-laden Murdaugh family drama in South Carolina.
• Mike recounts multiple deaths, insurance scams, and speculates that maybe “the maid did it all.”

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7. Ethical Dilemmas Segment (34:45–37:56)

Topics:

• Hiding inheritance from irresponsible 20-somethings: Is it right?
  • “I don’t think it’s ethical, but that’s what I would do.” (35:49, Aaron)
• Secretly giving money to kids to bypass the step-parent’s inheritance.
  • Not ethical, but understandable—dishonesty in marriage breeds more trouble.

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8. Entertainment & Celebrity News (38:07–44:06)

a. Ben Affleck’s “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” Win (38:07–40:01)

• Ben Affleck teams up with a Jeopardy! champ to (barely) win top prize on the Millionaire set.
  • Mike jokes, “Did the list include the names of all the January 6th turkeys that were pardoned?”

b. Jimmy Kimmel Hosting; Trivia Craze

• Gibbons is obsessed with a rapid-fire Instagram trivia feed, struggling to score better than 7/10.

c. Donna Mills Opens OnlyFans at 85 (42:37–44:06)

• “She is gonna show the only parts on her body not ravaged by the sun. I bet she has a white, fleshy boob.” (43:39, Aaron)
  • Discussion of “mature” being an actual genre, and old men’s brothel preferences.

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9. "Make America Florida" (45:24–50:10)

Florida Man

• A man calls 911 with chest pain immediately after killing his mother and burning the house down:

  “[He] admitted to detectives that he murdered his mother… set the house on fire… because, quote, she wanted to be cremated.” (46:36, Aaron)

• Mike: “Well, it’s a money saver. You don't have to pay for the cremation, and then you get the homeowner's insurance.”

Florida Woman

• DUI: Woman drives through a homicide investigation roadblock and fails the “Drunk Olympics” with a 0.195 BAC.
  • “You can’t even be safe when you're dead on the road in Florida…” (50:01, Aaron)

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10. This Day in History (50:48–56:56)

• Quizzing on Wild Bill Hickok’s death (1876), Peter O’Toole’s birth (1932), Colorado’s statehood, Melville’s birth, and Marilyn Monroe’s death.
  • Playful correction and banter:
  • “How long is it? What do we do? …Oh, you go outside, stretch your legs.” (53:40, Aaron on movie intermissions)

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11. Obituaries: Glenn Hansard of The Frames (58:46–61:39)

• Tribute to the Irish singer-songwriter, busker, and Oscar-winner from “Once.”
  • Mike: “I saw the movie… but he was not on my radar as a singer.”
  • Aaron shares Hansard’s busking tradition, connections to Bono, and story about introducing Jeff Buckley at the famed Café Sin-é.
  • Discussion of tragic losses in music, Duane Allman's motorcycle fatality, and correcting the “peach truck” myth:

    “The idea that Duane Allman died crashing into a peach truck is an urban legend. He actually crashed into a flatbed truck carrying a lumber crane.” (64:06, Mike, fact-checking with AI)

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12. Comedy Caption Contest (64:42–67:26)

• Last week’s panel: King Kong’s fist clutches a woman high above a rooftop restaurant.
  Winning punchline:

“Excuse me, do you know what’s the next size up from Magnum?” – Mark Simmons (67:17, Mike/Aaron)

• New caption challenge described for next week.

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13. Classic Comic Strips (67:52–71:11)

• The Lockhorns: Highlights include “How do you lose a ball on the putting green?” and “If this is grade A beef, it must have cheated on the exam.”
• Blondie: Mike’s recurring bit admiring Blondie’s “defying gravity” figure and the panel's non-jokes.

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14. Closing: Anniversaries, Recommendations, Plugs (71:12–75:17)

• Greg shouts out his 27th anniversary and surprise jazz club plans:

  “We never go see jazz. I don’t know why, but it’s called Sam First.” (74:09, Mike)

• Aaron’s clandestine viewing of “The Odyssey” in theaters—the joys of movie-hopping.
• Tour dates plug: Comedy live shows in St. Pete’s, Cincinnati, Columbus, Vancouver, La Jolla, Batavia, Toronto.
• Reminders to check out sponsors (Zocdoc, Fabric by Gerber Life) using promo codes.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “I always say I have a great life. I wish I was living it.” (07:44, Mike)
• “Maybe the AI can help them find the girls schools overseas. They’re very good at that.” (28:15, Mike, dark government satire)
• “Ghislaine Maxwell was a Girl Scout of sorts…” (30:17, Aaron)
• “At some point, we’re going to need a bigger nuclear sub.” (31:58, Mike)
• “I don't think it's ethical, but that's what I would do.” (35:49, Aaron, on hiding inheritances)

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Key Timestamps

• 01:22: Start of episode content, stress check-ins, weekend plans
• 08:12: Golf stories & etiquette
• 13:20: Sturgis Rally: morbid stats and betting
• 19:39: House music/techno history
• 26:29: News round-up—AI map fail, Boy Scouts “un-wokening”
• 31:27: Sharkzilla mutant terror
• 34:45: Ethicist segment—inheritance and step-parent drama
• 38:07: Ben Affleck’s Millionaire appearance
• 42:37: Donna Mills’ OnlyFans debut at 85
• 45:24: Make America Florida—headline weirdness
• 50:48: History trivia game
• 58:46: Obituary/tribute to Glenn Hansard
• 64:42: Comedy Caption Contest
• 67:52: Lockhorns and Blondie rundown
• 71:12: Plugs, anniversary, movie chat
• 75:17: Episode close

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Final Thoughts

True to form, Greg and Mike balance gallows humor with smart satire, pop-culture jabs, listener engagement, and goofy one-liners. The formula is “news-reading meets barroom riff”—if you enjoy off-color takes, inside friend banter, and a lighthearted stroll through the world’s absurdity, this episode delivers start to finish.

Transcript

[Mike]

Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Now I was looking for fun ways

[Aaron]

to tell you that Mint's offer of

[Mike]

unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month is back.

[Aaron]

So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills, but it

[Mike]

turns out that's very illegal, so there

[Aaron]

goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment

[Mike]

of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for a 12 month plan.

[Aaron]

Required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. Me slow when network is busy.

[Mike]

See terms choice hotels get you more value comfort in it's calling your name.

[Aaron]

Save on the stay. Oh, and free waffles are yours to claim. Book direct@stories hotels.com introducing Meta Glasses.

[Mike]

Hey, Meta, any last minute tables for two tonight?

[Aaron]

Sure.

[Mike]

There's a great Italian restaurant 15 minutes away.

[Aaron]

Hey, Meta, where's the nearest flower shot?

[Mike]

Five minutes away. Straight down Broadway, past the bodega. Their lilies are trending on Instagram. Just saying.

[Aaron]

Hey, Meta, am I forgetting anything else?

[Mike]

How about setting a calendar reminder for next year? Meta glasses. Available in more than 20 styles. Sunday papers. Take it easy.

[Aaron]

Take it easy.

[Mike]

Read all about it. Read all about it. Hot off the presses. We had a lot of stuff about the United States of America.

[Aaron]

You seem loud. Okay.

[Mike]

You seem quiet.

[Aaron]

I'm relaxed.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

Mm.

[Mike]

Why are you so relaxed?

[Aaron]

I'm kidding. I'm really high strung. No, I don't know what I am. I feel good. I'm feeling good.

[Mike]

I have nothing this month. I'm going to Tampa with Matt Peters to do a festival in August. Other than that, I got nothing. And I'm so fucking stressed, I don't know where it's coming from. I feel like I need to, like, shake it out.

[Aaron]

Is the hat too tight or.

[Mike]

So here I am. I'm down, I'm vulnerable, and you take a shot at me. That's. That's how it works.

[Aaron]

Yeah, man. I avoid you. Come on now. That helped. I avoided you. Nothing could be wrong with you. But maybe the hat, right? What do you think? Come on. You're good. No, no, leave it on. Because she really changes your lighting when you turn. Take it off. What do you. You're good. You're pretty good. Way better than I. When you ask the question, what am I feeling?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

So what's coming up when you ask that question for me? Yeah.

[Mike]

I think we dealt with Aaron's father in Law, stepfather dying. That was very stress. Anytime somebody dies, suddenly it kind of like. I think you get to a certain age where your life is very routinized. We got our golf on Friday morning. You know, we got Sunday papers on Friday. We, you know, we got it. I got my rhythm and then all of a sudden, boom. I'm like flying to New York for a week. Aaron's gone for two weeks. And I think maybe I just don't adjust to changes as well now that I. As I used to.

[Aaron]

That's interesting. I think, and I'm not trying to be funny. I think I might be a little of the opposite where when I start feeling a routine, I feel like I'm dying.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

Like I didn't play golf this morning.

[Mike]

Yeah. Why don't you play golf to break the routine?

[Aaron]

No, because I'm taking mushrooms and drinking a ton and playing golf in about two hours. Yeah.

[Mike]

What? We're at Panmar.

[Aaron]

Yeah, it's a friend of ours birthday, which is going to be a three day celebration. Today's day one. Wait, who is this Thatcher?

[Mike]

It's so shit.

[Aaron]

Yeah, so he's I think turning 50 and so there's a lot of people playing this afternoon, but I'm out, like also in rabies group, so there'll be no shortage of substances. Then I'm waking up really early tomorrow morning, driving to 113-degree Vegas to see our buddy, who I never have, yet all of you have. In acdc.

[Mike]

No shit.

[Aaron]

AC dc. Thank God it's indoors tomorrow in Allegiance Stadium.

[Mike]

So our buddy is Chris Cheney, who plays bass for them. He used to be the Jane's Addiction bassist and he is part of our Friday morning golf. And he's the grooviest, coolest fucking guy of all time. Did he get you tickets?

[Aaron]

Yeah. Oh, no. We're all hooked up. And so this is the. I'm. I'm heeding this advice when that guy, your rocker friend, right, who rocks hard when he says to bring earplugs. You bring earplugs.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Aaron]

So I'm gonna have in my pocket anyway when we go.

[Mike]

Who are you going with?

[Aaron]

Dicky and Newt.

[Mike]

Nice. Yeah, yeah, it's. When we saw them, it was outdoors, so the sound was fine. But yeah, indoor. I'm assuming this is indoor.

[Aaron]

Yes, it is.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's. It's going to be. That's a whole other thing, seeing them indoors and then

[Aaron]

what were your seats like? He hooked you up, right?

[Mike]

No, I think we bought our tickets because it was LA and There was so many people going, so I don't think we made the cut.

[Aaron]

That's the other thing. I imagine I have good seats, so it'll be.

[Mike]

We had good. Oh, wait, maybe he did actually, or maybe we paid for them, but he got us really good seats. And so we were like close, but a little bit to the side. And we saw him at. Was it the Greek? I can't remember. But yeah, you can have a blast.

[Aaron]

AC DC at the Greek.

[Mike]

No, the Rose Bowl. It was at the Rose Bowl.

[Aaron]

That's all. There's like the Rose bowl can fit like six Greeks in it, I think.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, I think. Oh, and I'm. I'm fucked. In. In August, we got. Truck, Derek Tedeski trucks. Tedeschi trucks coming to town. I'm going to be out of town for that one.

[Aaron]

That's Santa Barbara. Yeah, I'm going up there. Well, I'm going up this week. I'm going up to alone to see because I don't think anyone would go with me, but to see Sierra Farrell, who's sort of my obsession.

[Mike]

I love Sierra Farrell. You know who got me into her is your ex girlfriend.

[Aaron]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

You know, it's funny, before she broke like when she was like just this up and coming artist, she was like, here's who you got to look out for.

[Aaron]

Right, right, right. She's amazing. And she's then also playing the Hollywood bowl, but like with some people, I think.

[Mike]

Wait, so let me get this straight. So tonight you shroom play golf and watch the music at Panmar. Saturday you drive to Vegas to cacdc. And then Sunday you go up to Santa Barbara.

[Aaron]

No. Later in the week.

[Mike]

Oh my God.

[Aaron]

Boy, when you say it like that, I don't know why I constantly think about killing myself. It sounds amazing.

[Mike]

What a life. I always say that's a joke.

[Aaron]

That's a joke, people.

[Mike]

I always say I have a great life. I wish I was living it.

[Aaron]

Ah, interesting. Yeah, that's kind of like my old joke about my journal, which also ties back into asking yourself what you're feeling. I said I was always scared to keep a journal, that I'd leave it out and that I'd accidentally pick it up and read it. I don't want that. Who wants that?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

Oh my God, it would be terrifying. What a read.

[Mike]

Speaking of golf, so I went out and played Rancho two days ago with Gubbins and Rabi. And so we're playing for money and it's the 18th hole and I've got big Money hole. It's been carrying. Oh. Long story short, I go to towards my ball and Gubbins goes, what kind of ball are you playing? And I said, the callaway. And he goes, red, white and blue stripes. And I said, I'm not sure I have two callaway. And he goes, this one does. He picks the ball up and goes, this one doesn't have the stripes on it. It's not your ball. I go, you mean the one I hit in that area and is a callaway. And he literally had picked it up and thrown it to me and, and then called me a liar.

[Aaron]

Also, why would he throw you a random ball on the golf course?

[Mike]

Also, he's not in the bet. It was between me and two other guys.

[Aaron]

Wow.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

How'd you do with your new swing, fella?

[Mike]

I won. I won some money. I'm still working on the new swing. But it's so funny. We were playing today and I just said to myself, somebody, somebody had the gall to say, I'm getting a lot better. And I just went, none of us. You've gotten better only because you started the game six or seven years ago, whereas the rest of us have been playing our whole lives and nobody in 20 years has gotten any better.

[Aaron]

Yeah. Did you find. Oh, man. A friend of ours brought me to Hillcrest. Have you ever played?

[Mike]

That's the Jewish Club, right?

[Aaron]

I don't call it that. But you do it.

[Mike]

It used to be only Jewish members.

[Aaron]

Well, it should be called the Comedians Club. You wouldn't believe the walls in there. Like all of them. George Burns.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

Benny. What's his name?

[Mike]

Jack Benny.

[Aaron]

Sorry. Jack Benny. All the Bob Hope. They're all in there. It's incredible.

[Mike]

And you played the course?

[Aaron]

Yes, and. And like held my own. Wasn't embarrassing, but. So they have, they have one green that, that at one point was the biggest green in California or something like that. So when you drive to this, I, I had no idea. Like, you know, I'm new to also, like high end golf courses like that. So they're like, what tier are you on? I'm like, what kind of. This is a par three, so you kind of can land it on there.

[Mike]

Especially because you say I cry a lot.

[Aaron]

So. So what tier are you on? I'm like, what? And they're like, oh, I'm on the second. This green had three tiers, so my putt was like 70 yards. I mean, maybe 60. Like, like some par threes are that long. And I just had a whack it as hard As I could. It was crazy. Yeah. But beautiful. And. And I didn't realize. And less about golf, but more about. I did not realize how much land they had. This golf course is a very roomy 18 holes. For those of you who don't know. It's on Pico, right below Fox. It runs along Motor. So it's between, like, Pico and Culver City, and it's gigantic.

[Mike]

Yeah, I. Did I tell you the story about flying to New York and the golfers that were sitting next to me?

[Aaron]

No.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. They were having a conversation as boring as everything you just said about Hill.

[Aaron]

Yeah, exactly.

[Mike]

Like, if you don't play golf, you are glazing over at this conversation for the last 10 minutes.

[Aaron]

I try to. It's about land. Go ahead.

[Mike]

But these guys were so obnoxious about, like. Well, you know, at Riviera on 14, you really got to hit a low seven iron into the left bunker and then play it. And, like, they're really loud, and they're all in golf shirts, and they're talking about going to New York. And then one of them recognizes me, and so they're like, did I tell you this?

[Aaron]

Yeah, yeah. But keep going. What's the.

[Mike]

And they're like. And so he recognizes me, and he's like, oh, I'm a big fan. And the other guy goes, oh, so you're a big comedian. I go, I'm sitting in coach with you guys. And the guy goes, well, I got. I bought this seat next to me so I have elbow room. And I was like, still cheaper than business class. And so they were going to play this. Play three courses in New York that were, like, the most expensive ones. I don't want to repeat the whole story, but the long story short was I go, where are you staying? And he goes, I have a timeshare at the St. Regis Hotel. And he goes, where are you staying? I go, I'm at the Lucerne on the Upper west side. And he goes, they were housing homeless people there.

[Aaron]

So you've stayed. So you're familiar.

[Mike]

So anyway, the guy took my number and texted me about getting together, and I just. I didn't have any interest.

[Aaron]

Oh, you should have, man. Come on. Party. The St. Regis. And in a, like, a members only bar, probably 14th floor.

[Mike]

Speaking of clubs, what about Sturgis? What's going on? This is the time of year, isn't it?

[Aaron]

What's that?

[Mike]

Isn't it that time of year?

[Aaron]

It is. So we had someone write in. Let me find that stuff. Now hold On. I got to shrink the screen. I enjoyed this. I wasn't even looking at the script. So, Robert. Thank you. Robert has suggested with Sturgis Bikery Bike Week just around the corner, can I request a few wagers? Boomer bike deaths. He thinks the over is eight. The over, under, the Boomer biker deaths without helmet. He also has an eight. That would be. Do those count towards the first bet? Bike accidents, 30, plus or minus 30 bike accidents without helmets. Plus or minus 25 shootings. The over, unders. Three DUI arrest, 20 other arrests. 45.

[Mike]

Oh, it's going to be way over. 45. That's. That's a weekend. That, that's one or two days. The 45.

[Aaron]

Yeah. So I had stuff. Here we go. Oh, also, Sturgis police department made 58 DUI arrest. This is last year, down from 66 the previous year. Felony drug arrests rose to 47. There were 97 non traffic arrests and 114 traffic arrests.

[Mike]

Wow.

[Aaron]

142 people were booked. 66 injury accidents, 27 non injury accidents, four fatalities. Here's the good news, which was down, I think from six the year before.

[Mike]

How many deaths?

[Aaron]

Four, I think last year.

[Mike]

So he says Boomer biker deaths. All right, let's get rid of Boomer and just because I don't know what that means, biker deaths.

[Aaron]

All right, before we bet, can I read you something that might affect your bet?

[Mike]

Yes.

[Aaron]

The official rally does not begin until August 7th. But early arrivals already making their way into ditches all around the region. That's me. Sturgis braces for the 86th annual motorcycle rally. And the residents are preparing, including. And then the police are including temporary traffic devices. They're putting up traffic lights more than are there. And they're reducing speed limits. So they're on us. Maybe it's our publicity. So they're on to us. They're trying. They should just put nets in all the ditches near any turn. That's what they should do.

[Mike]

Yeah, maybe they. Maybe the rules should be you have to have training wheels on your Harley

[Aaron]

or put outdoor cafes every time the highway takes a turn. And all those fatties will buffer the turn when people roll into it.

[Mike]

I don't know. Maybe if a guy comes in with a helmet under his arm, don't feed him more than 6 shots of JD I think you cut them off at 6.

[Aaron]

I think everybody there. I mean everyone there is on a hog. All right, so what do we think? We think that. I don't know. I mean, why don't you put the. Why don't you split the difference? Put biker deaths at over, under five. Okay, that's between the last two years. Yeah, we don't need. Oh, with the helmets, I guess you could be like, whoosh.

[Mike]

Are they gonna mention. I don't know if they're gonna mention that every time. I think we should lose that one.

[Aaron]

Okay.

[Mike]

Biker deaths, biker accidents. He says 30 plus on biker accidents. I think we had to change that to 50.

[Aaron]

Yeah. What did I just.

[Mike]

I think you said 80.

[Aaron]

There were 114 traffic arrests, 27 non injury accidents. There were 66 injury accidents.

[Mike]

Okay, so we'll put it at 66. I don't know. Yeah, we'd sit. Got helmets, shootings. It says three plus minus.

[Aaron]

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, there's felonies here. Misdemeanors and felonies are listed. Drug arrest listed. I don't see shootings.

[Mike]

Okay, well, we'll know because we're going to keep track every week. So I'm going to go biker deaths. I'm going to go under. What do you want?

[Aaron]

I did, too, but I guess I'll take. You got to give me even or over.

[Mike]

Okay. Okay. Bike accident, 66 plus.

[Aaron]

You got to let me take the under on that one.

[Mike]

All right. All right. I'm just going to write the one. And we're going to go opposite on everyone, so I'm not writing them both. Shootings, Three plus shootings I get to pick for first. I'm going to say over. Oh, DUI arrest. You get to pick 20.

[Aaron]

I'm going to say. I'm going to say over.

[Mike]

Over. Other arrests. Oh, that's other arrests. So let's just say felony arrests.

[Aaron]

Let me see the chart here.

[Mike]

I think it said felonies. Yeah, There were felonies. 104 felonies.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, my God.

[Aaron]

266 misdemeanors.

[Mike]

Yeah. All right, so felony event. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go under on 104. Okay, there we go. We'll check on that. Every week. Logo this week comes from the lovely Tim Bagging, who tied in this week's comedy caption contest. Comic with King Kong standing behind us with a girl in her hand. I got to deduct points. The girl is not blondie.

[Aaron]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

Fair song from Dan and Nick, regular contributors who get together in Atlanta and produce great music for us. What'd you think of the song, man?

[Aaron]

Techno.

[Mike]

Yep.

[Aaron]

Don't forget on my techno. But, you know, I heard an Interesting history this week of house music. So Moby was playing. I think he's playing over in London. Anyway, he talked about house music started. And I'm sure people can debate this. One take is house music started in Chicago in a house. And that's where it got its name. I had no idea it was that simple. And he named the guy. You know, his version of the story. And he named the guy. And Moby was just talking about. He was just explaining to the crowd how British music hit him as a teenager here in America so hard and just changed his life.

[Mike]

Wait, so do you know what year this was?

[Aaron]

Well, he was talking about just being hit by everything British, right? 70s and 80s.

[Mike]

Yeah. I would imagine it sort of came out of disco when they were doing extended remixes and, you know, they wanted people to dance to Gloria Estefan for 17 minutes, so they would.

[Aaron]

Oh, boy. I don't. I don't think anyone at least would admit that's the derivation. But I think it was more digital. It was when technology was hitting music.

[Mike]

What about Art of Noise? Remember Art of Noise?

[Aaron]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't mention them.

[Mike]

Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bum bum.

[Aaron]

But anyway, Dan and Nick, nice tune. Very electronic.

[Mike]

All right, no corrections this week. Although I believe you failed to check the YouTube comments this week, so we

[Aaron]

don't want correction next week. Could be we had corrections. Yeah.

[Mike]

Tour dates. I'm coming to St. Pete's to the Joke World Festival, August 14th and 15th. We're gonna be doing a live podcast at the festival with who's doing it. Matt, can you tell me who's on the. Who's on the show? Matt's gonna be there. Matty Smith and Joe DeRosa live on stage.

[Aaron]

Look at that.

[Mike]

Not sure what day, but it'll be during the day at one of the little and then some. Stan, Saturday at 1pm God, that seems so far off.

[Aaron]

Like you say August. I put that in my head. Two months or a month and a half away. It's here.

[Mike]

I know. The summer's fucking going fast. Cincinnati, Funny Bone, August 26. Columbus. Funny Bone, August 27. Vancouver, September 5. Also coming to La Jolla. Batavia, Canada. Toronto. Get on fitsdog.com. get some tickets. Also, we want to shout out to Gotham Production Studios for producing the show. And we do have some people that are helping us, you know, pay the lighting bills here. Fabric by Gerber. Life. Life insurance is one of those things. I'll tell you what. Life insurance for me was a way I talk about my anxiety. It cut My anxiety in half when I had kids and I had life insurance. But even if you don't have kids, maybe you're married and your wife doesn't earn a lot or your husband doesn't learn a lot. But if people depend on you financially, you got to protect them. Fabric by Gerver Life is term life insurance and you get it done like instantly, all online. You do it when you want, right from your couch, literally. It takes you like 10 minutes. And there's no health exam required most times.

[Aaron]

Talk about reducing stress though. I got term for me and I also got it for my wife when I was married. And just the stress, you said like, oh, the shoulders come down knowing if she dies, I'm rich. You know, like, yeah, you walk around. It's more than a safety net. Are you kidding me?

[Mike]

Yeah, it really makes death bittersweet, which is what you want. And you know, whatever you're making from your job is not going to be enough. They've got flexible, high quality policies. They fit your family and your budget. 30 day money back guarantee. You cancel anytime. Fabric has partnered with Gerber Life, a company trusted by millions of families for over 50 years. Join the thousands of parents who trust Fabric to help protect their family. Apply today in just [e-mail] papers meetfabric.com papers and use my link so they know I sent you and Mike sent you. M e e t fabric.com papers. Policies issued by Western Southern Life Insurance Company not available in certain states. Prices subject to underwriting and health questions.

[Aaron]

She almost kicked it while reading that. And then that brings us to Zoc. Doc, you got to take care of yourself even though you have insurance. Making a doctor's appointment shouldn't be a major project or hassle, but somehow it can turn into phone calls, hold music, all of that stuff. And then finding the next available appointment is months away. That's why we are sponsored by zocdoc. Zocdoc lets you search and compare local in network doctors. Their website has tons of reviews from real patients and detailed doctor profiles. So you can look through your options and choose the right doctor for you.

[Mike]

Dude, I did it. I had a psychopharmacologist that was putting

[Aaron]

me on big list.

[Mike]

Yeah, I, I, my insurance company, I go, yeah, I need some, I need some other psychopharmacologists. They send me a file with literally 700 names and I don't know who specializes in what I got on zocdoc. They put me in touch with somebody in my, they in My network. It worked out great.

[Aaron]

You can also see the actual appointment openings. Click to instantly book a visit. No waiting for someone to call you back or wondering when they might have availability. And ZOCDOC is completely free to use your health matters. And taking care of yourself shouldn't be complicated. Find and book the right doctor with Zoc Doc. Head to ZocDoc.com papers to get started and check that appointment off your to do list. That's z o c doc.com papers. All righty.

[Mike]

And then, Matt, I guess we gotta insert a little ZocDoc B roll sound at the end there.

[Aaron]

Zuck, dock it up.

[Mike]

And by the way, folks, you know the. I don't know if there's discounts, but really these ads mean a lot to the show. So if you go, make sure you put in the code. Thank you so much. Let's get. You got some crinkle edge.

[Aaron]

You know, I got a. I got a bag.

[Mike]

All right, that sounds good.

[Aaron]

Papas meaning plural. Papas. You and me got a brand new bag. Here we go.

[Mike]

The Trump administration is being ridiculed as a laughingstock after a map used in State Department press presentation during a global AIDS conference mislabeled every African country. The State Department blamed a staffer who was hastily making changes to the presentation. But the news wire service investigation found the map was put together by AI Quote, the map showed Nigeria, where the US currently has several hundred troops deployed as landlocked in the Sahara Desert. Master Mozambique, which is in southeastern Africa was relocated to the Horn of Africa, while Ivory coast in West Africa was placed on the other side of the continents. So, you know, I think the intern got confused because he was in South Africa and no one had a southern accent.

[Aaron]

Meanwhile, they couldn't even do the joke they wanted to do. Right. At one point they had the map and every country was Nigeria. But it was one G Niger.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, you just one G. Right, Right.

[Aaron]

They died laughing all night. And then someone had to tell him, you know, you didn't even do that, right?

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. I don't know that AI is the way to go. If you're the government. How many people are work? I mean, I, I used AI to plan a trip for me to Africa. It put me in touch with this Nigerian prince who he just came into a bunch of money, so I'm going to send him a down payment. Yeah, I really. I mean, what are the odds?

[Aaron]

I know, that's amazing. I think those go to my junk mail. I got to stop that. Yeah, I'm surprised the map from this White House didn't just say shithole country number one. Shithole country number two, Shithole country number three. Yeah, then they could defend it for being accurate.

[Mike]

Well, you know what they're good at finding is girls schools overseas. Maybe the AI can help them find the girls schools.

[Aaron]

They're very good at that.

[Mike]

Next story. One of Scouting America's biggest gatherings has eliminated dedicated spaces for gay youth, women and scouts of color as the organization faces pressure from the Pentagon to pull back diversity efforts. The changes at the National Jamboree reflect shifts made by Scouting America since the organization. Organization became a target of Pete Hegseth over what he calls woke policies. Hegseth threatened to end the Pentagon's century old partnership with Scouting America. The organization previously known as Boy Scouts of America rebranded in 2024 to emphasize inclusion and the growing number of girls in the scouting ranks. Well, I guess the gay Scouts are gonna have to reign it in and go back to just wearing short. Short khakis and yellow scarves around their necks.

[Aaron]

Is it too woke to suggest having a safe tent? How about that? That's my pitch.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

For the Boy Scouts.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Aaron]

Have a safe tent where I could actually get some shut eye if I were a little boy in this organization.

[Mike]

Right. It's got, it's, it's, it's got a cage on, does facial recognition, and if you've hit puberty, you're not allowed in the tent. Well, so much for the hand job badge.

[Aaron]

I can't believe he hasn't renamed it Boy Scouts. I'm being serious. Yeah, like it seems like that would be their first move.

[Mike]

I think they should have kept the Girl Scouts separate because they served a function. Boy Scouts served a function. The Girl scouts. You had 11 year old child laborers in short dresses going door to door asking strangers if they want a treat. And then that cash floats. The boys going into the woods to be molested by their friends, fathers.

[Aaron]

Ghislaine Maxwell was a Girl Scout of sorts.

[Mike]

She. Oh yeah.

[Aaron]

She would go over to West West Palm and scout all the high school girls and bring them over to the island.

[Mike]

Yeah, the Brownies. Only the Brownies. Once they became Girl Scouts, they were too old.

[Aaron]

Oh, I thought it was a sex joke. I'm glad it wasn't. Listen to this monster. Sharkzilla leaves a trail of carnage off New York coast as scientists probe nuclear mutant theory. A mysterious. This is from the New York Post. A mysterious predator lurking. Lurking off the coast of New York has sparked a dangerous hunt for a monster Shark capable of tearing apart some of the ocean's largest animals. A humpback well was discovered with a 24 inch bite mark where while a gray Seal suffered a 22 inch wound. And a 400 pound tuna was found ravaged in the water. But he also. This guy raised a more disturbing possibility that decades old barrels of leaking nuclear waste could have affected wildlife inside a vast underwater canyon off the coast. So this sounds like a Marvel origin story.

[Mike]

Yeah. Did Stan Lee write this article?

[Aaron]

And I mean, how big is it? Well, I hope it could still fit in a sharknado. Can Sharkzilla fit in a sharknado?

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah. It doesn't add up. First of all, the nuclear thing. The Japanese are the same size now as they were in the 1930s. Maybe smaller.

[Aaron]

Yeah, because of the nuclear explosion. Right, I get it.

[Mike]

They didn't grow. At some point we're going to need a bigger nuclear sub.

[Aaron]

We're going to need a bigger boat. Is that what it's referencing? Yeah, I like it.

[Mike]

I like it. I like that my jokes are not landing and then you're explaining each one of them.

[Aaron]

Well, I didn't know. I didn't.

[Mike]

I didn't either you didn't take your Ritalin or I'm just not writing sharp jokes to.

[Aaron]

I forgot to finish the story. And his controversial. If his controversial theory were true, the team could be hunting a genetically altered shark that is faster, stronger. I mean, this is the movie trailer. And deadlier than an ordinary predator. With a storm rapidly approaching, O' Connell and his crew had just 30 hours to find the creature, tag it and collect tissue for radioactive testing.

[Mike]

Why just 30 hours? Because there's a storm coming. I mean, this literally has, you know, Act 1, 2 and 3 written. Stakes keep growing. There's a clock.

[Aaron]

Yeah. What's the one people are watching right now? Widow's Bay or something like that.

[Mike]

Oh, I've seen it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's great.

[Aaron]

It sounds like that. Almost super supernatural.

[Mike]

Yeah, I'd watch this. I feel like reading this story is how I felt when I was reading about the Murtaugh's down in South Carolina. Remember they did. There was like two documentaries and a narrative movie about it. It was. I was reading about the New Yorker was like tracking it for a year and I was just like, this is the greatest story about to be written.

[Aaron]

Yeah, I think I saw the first one and then I was totally out of it in subsequent conversations where there were updates. And I'm like, what? And they're like, yeah, maybe I don't even know where it lands now. I have no idea what the. Is he in prison?

[Mike]

Yeah, the father's in prison. The maid was pushed down a flight of stairs after he took out an insurance policy on her. The son killed a girl on a boat and was. Got off. Got. Was free.

[Aaron]

But then there was something about that, right?

[Mike]

What do you mean there was something about that?

[Aaron]

No, I remember, like what you thought coming out of the original documentary has changed, and I don't know what it is.

[Mike]

Oh, okay. Well, then. And then the father killed the wife or the son.

[Aaron]

I think the maid did it all. I think that's the new development.

[Mike]

Yeah. Yeah. And which was a bummer because then nobody was around to clean up all the blood.

[Aaron]

Hegseth has gotten involved. I think the maid and the Department of Justice. I think the maid was responsible for everything.

[Mike]

All right, time for ethical question.

[Aaron]

All right. Oh, hold on. We got a bag. All right, what do we got?

[Mike]

All right, say you have a child in their 20s, but they're kind of irresponsible and there's an inheritance that comes their way. Should you not tell them about it and keep it into an account that they can use when they're going to buy a house or need a big expenditure that's meaningful?

[Aaron]

Well, I mean, it sounds like you would just keep the money until you wanted to give them some.

[Mike]

Right.

[Aaron]

What's the ethical question?

[Mike]

Well, if they're in their 20s, they have a right to do whatever they want with that money.

[Aaron]

Oh, like maybe it was from a grandfather. It's in their name.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Aaron]

So.

[Mike]

So you.

[Aaron]

I got it. Now you're hiding it?

[Mike]

Yes.

[Aaron]

Oh, I thought it was like your money that you have earmarked for them.

[Mike]

No, no, no, no.

[Aaron]

I don't think it's ethical, but that's what I would do. Yeah, right.

[Mike]

Well, that's what ethical question means. Would you do it?

[Aaron]

I don't think that's what ethical question means. I think it means what is the ethical thing to do?

[Mike]

Right. Okay.

[Aaron]

It's sometimes the opposite of what would you do?

[Mike]

So what is the ethical. What is the ethical answer?

[Aaron]

If legally they have the right to it, that's their right, and you cannot block that or obscure it or take it away. Right. So I guess that's block.

[Mike]

So.

[Aaron]

Yeah, but I don't know. So I. Without naming names, there are some trusts in. In people I know. And there was wisdom on the elder generation, on the grandfather's level and stuff like this to piecemeal it out. You never were entitled to A lump sum. And that would turn out to be very prudent.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

You know. Yeah, I think most people could use that, actually.

[Mike]

I think trusts are a really good idea. All right, follow up. Ethical question. Is it ethical for a partner? Let's say it's the man has a lot of money and he is married to a woman, say, a stepmom. Is it ethical for him to give money to his kids so that she does not inherit all the money? Like, slide it to the kids on the side.

[Aaron]

Right. No, that's not ethical.

[Mike]

It's not.

[Aaron]

No. I mean, you. You might have the right to do it, but if you are living a lie.

[Mike]

Right.

[Aaron]

And you're being less than forthcoming and honest about it with your spouse.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

Then that's the seeds of problems to come for sure.

[Mike]

All right.

[Aaron]

But you have the right to do it. It's just. It's just a tough conversation that a lot of people avoid.

[Mike]

Right. All right, I'm getting new. Let's get to entertainment.

[Aaron]

Let's do it. Here's the bag. I'm gonna crinkle. About

[Mike]

Ben Affleck. I can never say his name without thinking Affleck.

[Aaron]

Yeah, I know.

[Mike]

Was overcome with glee the moment he won who Wants to be a Millionaire? Jumping up to hug his partner, Jeopardy. Jeopardy. Champion Jamie Ding. Whenever I say the name Ding, I always just want to go Ding.

[Aaron]

Well, how could Jeremy Ding not win? It's not Germany.

[Mike]

I wonder if whenever they took attendance when he was in school and the teacher went ding, did people start fighting? Affleck and Ding made it to the final round, where they faced a question about turkeys pardoned by US Presidents. The duo had to deduce which names did not belong to pardoned turkeys. Quote, so we're gonna say D, spaghetti and meatball, Ding said. After deliberations, the chime indicating they chose correctly, which, ironically, was Ding, rang out, and both men jumped to their feet for an exciting hug. Now, I'm wondering, did the list include the names of all the January 6th turkeys that were pardoned? A lot. A lot of names. Like Jethro, Hank, Earl. Were those guys pardoned?

[Aaron]

Do we think a Jeopardy. Champ really needed Ben Affleck's help on this?

[Mike]

Oh, no. He's like a genius. Ben Affleck.

[Aaron]

Ben Affleck is really smart. I've worked with him a couple times, but I mean, on short projects. But what? Also, I wonder what the deduction process is, because to get to spaghetti and meatball. That seems like you're guessing, right. It doesn't seem like deductive reasoning.

[Mike]

It should be based on either deductive reasoning or data or facts that you've memorized.

[Aaron]

I mean, I guess they eliminated others based on reason. Who knows? I didn't see it, but I did see the clip. Jimmy Kimmel's the host.

[Mike]

Yes. I'm obsessed with. Good for Jimmy. He was. He was really. He was broke. I'm glad that he got a chance to make a few dollars. So I'm obsessed with this Instagram feed from this guy who gives you quizzes. It's 10 questions.

[Aaron]

Oh, the rapid fire trivia.

[Mike]

Yeah, he's really good with that. I always get seven out of 10. I never get eight. I never get six. Well, some of them are really difficult.

[Aaron]

No, he picks really obscure ones sometimes. You're right.

[Mike]

Yeah, the first one or two were easy, and he hooks you in, and then like, 7, 8, 9 are brutal.

[Aaron]

Then we'll go for, like, a deep cut on the periodic chart of elements. You know, like, it's like, I don't know what that stands for.

[Mike]

All right, I'm going to ask you some periodic chart.

[Aaron]

Oh, I'm terrible at it.

[Mike]

Okay, let's go. Boreal borium is. I think it's.

[Aaron]

Oh, discard boredium.

[Mike]

It's coming up. I just googled. I meant to write periodic chart. I wrote period chart, and. And what came up was period tracker. Track your cycle.

[Aaron]

I got the very first app, which. Oh, God, I'm forgetting the name. It had a clever name with wordplay, and maybe it was called flow, something like that. Anyway, I got the. We talked about this years ago. I got one of the very first ones. I mean, it was obviously before 2013 because that was my divorce. So it was early. And it was no joke because I would then try to remember, and then I would just let things go. I would never ask, like, what are you talking about? Like, that never came out of my mouth that week. And that's what I tried to do to help me.

[Mike]

Well, if I'm sure they've updated it now with AI and so now what it does is it finds out what days are her cycle, and it actually books tee times for you during those days.

[Aaron]

It releases morphine in your IV drip that you have hooked up to the app.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. Speaking of women that don't have periods anymore, Donna Mills is proving that it's never too late for a career shift. The Knott's landing star in 85 announced her latest professional venture and onlyfans page quote.

[Aaron]

I bet it's gonna Be a success. Not no joke quote.

[Mike]

I've always appreciated the incredible support and encouragement I've received from my fans. I'm excited to join OnlyFans because it offers the opportunity for a more personal, direct connection. She was known for Knott's Landing. She wants to share behind the scenes moments of her daily life. I'm sure there's a real appetite for 85 year old feet covered in corns and bunions with yellow brittle nails and veins popping out.

[Aaron]

God, you're so negative. How about this take? She is gonna show the only parts on her body not ravaged by the sun. I bet she has a white fleshy boob.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. The underside of her feet and her armpits. That's going to be it. I guess for guys you can take a break from beating off and just vomit.

[Aaron]

Oh, my God. I actually think it'll be. Listen, mature is a growing category.

[Mike]

Yep.

[Aaron]

I think, and I think she will. I mean, it says that she doesn't have plans or she hasn't stated plans for sexual content, but come on.

[Mike]

All right, here's the upside. I once I was friends with Dennis Hoff, who owned the Bunny ranch, who I think is dead.

[Aaron]

Now he is dead.

[Mike]

And I asked him, I go, who are the girls that do really well at the ranch? Because, you know, you go in and I guess there's, you know, maybe a dozen girls to pick from. And he said the older ones make all the money because the customers come in and they're 60 years old and they don't want to have sex with their daughter. So they pick women age. So maybe Donna Mills. Not only is she gonna get the old men, which is probably a huge chunk of OnlyFans and, but those guys are going to log way more time trying to pop a nut on the site. It's going to be triple the amount of time.

[Aaron]

This isn't a joke, which will be obvious, but it's she. I mean, she should have pulled the trigger a little earlier. So many people who know who she is are dead already.

[Mike]

Right.

[Aaron]

You know, like she should have done this 10 years ago. She would have gotten a lot of the nostalgia old guys. I know that would have been good for her.

[Mike]

And the problem is once you get to 85, your memory goes so you don't remember her. Let's make America, Florida.

[Aaron]

Looking desperate woman I found.

[Mike]

Yeah, right.

[Aaron]

Are you gonna make America, Florida?

[Mike]

Let's do it.

[Aaron]

Here we go. All right. We're going to Fort Myers today. George Beamer, 23, he called 911 from his 4 Myers home on Saturday to report he was suffering from chest pain. Poor guy. And so he was rushed to a hospital for medical evaluation. As he was being taken to the hospital, another 911 call came in about a fire at George's residence. Fire crews rushed to the scene and entered the home to extinguish. Extinguish the blaze. Where they discovered the body of George's mom, who was severely burned and deceased, in that order. Yeah. George later admitted to detectives that he murdered his mother after years of built up anger. And then he set the home on fire. This is sweet. Because, quote, she wanted to be cremated. Yep. Yep.

[Mike]

Oh, my God.

[Aaron]

George.

[Mike]

George. Really? Well, I guess, you know, it's a. It's a money saver. You don't have to pay for the cremation, and then you get the homeowner's insurance.

[Aaron]

I'm surprised. Halfway there, George is like, you know, my chest isn't feeling so bad anymore. I feel a little lighter. I don't know what it could be, but there's been a release.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. Well, Allison Rosen, who's my partner on my other podcast called Childish, her mom passed, and she was in a funeral home that was way up in the Valley. And, you know, when they die, you gotta pay a lot of money to get the body to the mortuary. And it was a Jewish funeral home, and they were gonna cremate. And then the wildfires broke out and the funeral home was in the path of the fires, so now they had to pay all over again. I'm not making this up. To move her mother's dead body to a safer mortuary so they could burn it.

[Aaron]

That's unbelievable. And if you've seen that show on HBO the Mortician, you would know that they can accommodate. They can be very flexible. Los Angeles crematoriums or whatever you want to call it.

[Mike]

Dude, that was one of the great documentaries of all time.

[Aaron]

It was a good one. It was a good one. Okay. We're gonna stay in Florida and make America Florida again. This is not a man, but a Florida woman. A Florida woman was arrested for driving under the influence after driving through a blocked roadway. The roadway was blocked because there were tons of police officers around investigating a homicide. The deputies were assisting the Florida Highway Patrol on Monday night in a traffic homicide investigation. And they closed the roadway when a vehicle attempted to drive through and around them.

[Mike]

It's like a state of children that have ADHD that are in adult bodies.

[Aaron]

Yeah. According to the deputies, they attempted to stop the driver, Lauren Anderson, but she would have none of it. And she continued to drive past them, running. They ran after her car. I want. I wish there had to be videotape. I mean, there's a million body cams running after the car. The deputies eventually got Anderson to stop, and they noticed she was sluggish, slurring her speech, and struggling to get out of the vehicle. Maybe she just played golf with Tony Romo. Deputies asked Anderson to perform roadside exercises, also known as quote, this is in the article. Also known as the Drunk Olympics, which she declined to participate in. I would, too, if they called it that.

[Mike]

Yeah, she would have gotten a gold medal in that one.

[Aaron]

I'd like the decathlon, not the pentathlon, please. I have a lot of time. Anderson was then transported to the jail, where she agreed to a breath test, which she failed by blowing a 0.195 and a 0.209, which is two times over the legal limit. Wow. Yeah.

[Mike]

That's amazing.

[Aaron]

It's fantastic. You can't even be safe when you're dead on the road in Florida. Like, she probably. She could have hit the car that had the dead guy in it.

[Mike]

Yeah, she could have run over a dead guy. What? Yeah. What is the charge when you run over somebody who's already dead? Is it post homicide? Is it double homicide?

[Aaron]

Then she goes out of control and hits George's house and runs over his dead, burnt mom. Florida people. What's going on?

[Mike]

Hey, you want to. You want to move there? So good luck.

[Aaron]

No, I don't. I don't.

[Mike]

Yes, you do.

[Aaron]

This shirt might say that, but I don't. Yeah, this is also a dead man shirt. Got it. I like it.

[Mike]

All right, let's get down to this day in history.

[Aaron]

Oh, man. Do we have that? I peaked at it. I peeked at it. There's kind of slim pickings, but let's see. There were a couple. Here we go. Wild Bill Hickok, a frontiersman, marksman, gambler, and legend of the American west, was murdered in the city of Deadwood in what is now South Dakota. I'm wondering if we did this last year, believe it or not, but when was he murdered? Give or take 30 years. Wild Bill Hickok.

[Mike]

Well, I know that. What's his name, Jesse James was around during the Civil War, so that would be the 1840s. This guy Hickok sounds like he would be a around that era, but I feel like he was old. I feel like he had earlier. I'm gonna go 18, 20.

[Aaron]

Somehow. You lost that one you were tracking. If Kalshee was live tracking that, you would have. Really? Everyone would have bet you got it right. 1876. You began with the Civil War. I thought you had nailed it.

[Mike]

Yeah. Okay,

[Aaron]

What is this? The first known. I don't know what a positron is. Whatever. Okay, you're going to get JFK's PT boat. You'll get that. You'll get that. You're getting a Jackie Joyner cursing.

[Mike]

1944.

[Aaron]

Pretty good. When do you think Robert Mueller was unanimously confirmed as the director of the FBI? Give or take eight years.

[Mike]

96.

[Aaron]

You did it, buddy. 2001.

[Mike]

Nice.

[Aaron]

Irish actor, Peter O'. Toole. Happy birthday, Pete. He was born on this day. In what year? Give or take 10. I'm going to give you 10 years. I'm rooting for you.

[Mike]

Is Peter O' Toole still alive? I don't think so. So he would have been late 80s. So going back, this is where I get bad. Subtracting a 26 plus 60, I'm going to say 1937.

[Aaron]

You did it, buddy. 1932.

[Mike]

Nice. Wow. He was old. He's dead, right?

[Aaron]

Yes. And then Lawrence of Arabia was 62.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Aaron]

Unbelievable. Saw that in a theater in. What was it called? Copley Square or.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah, no.

[Aaron]

Coolidge Corner. I always confuse the name. Yeah.

[Mike]

Yep.

[Aaron]

I went to a theater by myself, and I had never experienced an intermission. And I'm like. I literally was like, how long is it? What do we do? And everyone's like, oh, you go outside, stretch your legs.

[Mike]

You have a cigarette.

[Aaron]

Yeah. You go to the bathroom and. Yeah, there definitely people smoking back then. Okay. We got. Colorado was admitted into the Union, becoming the 38th US state, give or take 25 years. When did Colorado become a state?

[Mike]

Well, we moved out west. We started moving out west in the 1820s. So I'm going to say 1830.

[Aaron]

I gave you 25 years, right?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

You didn't get it, buddy. 1876. It was late.

[Mike]

Damn.

[Aaron]

It was late out there.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Aaron]

All right, I'm gonna. I'm gonna give you a narrow range on this because I'm gonna give you a huge clue. American writer Herman Melville, best known for his novels of the sea, most notably Moby Dick, which was published in 1851. When was Melville born? Give or take? Let me think. I gave you that clue. Give or take five years.

[Mike]

So basically you're asking me how old Herman Melville was when he wrote Moby Dick.

[Aaron]

You could take it that way.

[Mike]

So it came out in 1855.

[Aaron]

You said 51.

[Mike]

1851. I'm going to guess he was. He'd already sailed around the world, so I would say he was probably 35. So I'm going to say 18. 18. 18.

[Aaron]

18, 19.

[Mike]

Yeah, baby.

[Aaron]

Let's find one last fun one. Let's see here. Oh, boy. What's that? Oh, Columbus Set Sail. There's a little song. You know what that is? Oh, my God. You know the Berlin Olympics with Jesse. Oh, a lot of Summer Olympics days here. All right. Sorry about this. We're just looking for a fun one we could have. Oh, Anne Frank. You're gonna know that date. Marilyn Monroe. She died on this day. In what year? Give or take four years.

[Mike]

1965.

[Aaron]

Golly, you did it. 1962.

[Mike]

I remember she sang Happy Birthday to John F. Kennedy, and then Jacqueline had her killed for it.

[Aaron]

Well, she blew out his candles on more than one occasion. That's why I was going to put the. I was going to put a. A little later than that. I. I probably would have said 65.

[Mike]

I did say 65.

[Aaron]

Yeah. No, no, but I'm saying I would have put it later than 62 also.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

Alrighty, buddy. Good job today.

[Mike]

All right. Not bad. And let's go down to this. Letters to the editor. Fair maiden wins. Asked, what is he looking over at? And I gotta tell you, I went in, and part of your very few jobs on Sunday papers is to pick some clips for the show, which obviously you don't do. So I went in this week to look for clips, and I noticed for the first 15 minutes of the podcast, I was going like this.

[Aaron]

Oh, really?

[Mike]

Because my cousin Denny McCarthy was playing in a golf tournament and he was in third place, and I was trying to see how he was doing. So I was in a hotel with the TV out on the side. And then after like, 50 minutes, I realized this must look ridiculous. So I turned it off.

[Aaron]

What. How's he doing right now, by the way?

[Mike]

He. I don't know. He came in third last week.

[Aaron]

That's what I mean. He's on, like. Maybe he got his mojo back.

[Mike]

Yeah, it usually goes in streaks like that. Let's see. PGA leader. Do you know what tournament is this week?

[Aaron]

I have no idea. You know, I don't watch.

[Mike]

All right, the Pocket Classic is going on right now. He is. Let's see. Is he in the running?

[Aaron]

What the hell is Pocket?

[Mike]

The Pocket is insurance, isn't it?

[Aaron]

I don't know. Not our. Not our sponsor.

[Mike]

There's Matt McCarty. Denny. I don't see him. He may not be in this tournament.

[Aaron]

All right, let's move on to obituary.

[Mike]

Okay. Oh, no, buddy. He's too over. He's in 42nd place.

[Aaron]

God, like you're not gonna be looking. Looking off camera this.

[Mike]

Nope. I'm looking down the barrel of this fucking camera today.

[Aaron]

Here we go. Obituary. Sadly. This is so weird. You of all people, especially with your Newsies cap and your Irish face. So Glenn Hansard, famous from the movie Once, won the Oscar for it was the actor. And it also. But we. Hold on. I gotta remind you. So anyway, you said you'd never heard of him.

[Mike]

I've never heard of the guy. I mean, I saw the movie and I loved it, and I'm really excited to watch it again. But no, I. He was not on my radar as a singer.

[Aaron]

So let me read the blurb. Anyway. A singer songwriter who was the frontman of the popular Irish band the Frames. And he shared an Oscar for Falling Slowly, a wistful song from the 2006 film Once. And he died in Dublin this week. He was 56 years old. But not movie Once. Yeah, I know it's. And then I keep hearing. It was in the morning. Then my dad texted me, was like, coming from the airport or going to the airport. But there's footage of him playing in what looks to be. I can't tell if it's a bar, but it's a small. With a small group. Someone was recording it, and they said that was hours before. So. Anyway, I have an interesting tidbit on him, though. But you also know him because he holds these. He's famous for busking. Right. And so Once was about a busker in London who plays on the street for Change. And he now was like, kind of the centerpiece of these legendary Christmas Eve busking concerts, and Bono and people would join him. And Bono spoke out really eloquently after he died this week. But you might know him. He led the music in Shane McGowan's funeral, including fairytale of New York.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah. Right, right. Okay. Got it.

[Aaron]

And he was great. Get this tidbit. I saw an interview with him and I just watched. We just watched the Jeff Buckley documentary. He introduced Buckley to Cafe Cheney. Oh, he found Buckley before Buckley even played his dad's memorial. So in other words, nobody knew about Jeff Buckley yet. He found him before that. Became friends brought him. Because this guy, Glenn's friend, had Cafe Cheney on St. Mark's Place, brought him to Cafe Cheney, and then I think Glenn even attended his dad's funeral. Glenn might even played his dad's funeral. I'm not sure, but. But that's where Jeff Buckley played and first got noticed.

[Mike]

I listened to two of his albums yesterday, and first off, he reminds me of Cat Stevens a little bit. He's got a very similar voice. Cat was a. Cat was a little cheerier. I mean, this guy is heavy. It's really. It's very Irish music,

[Aaron]

right? It is, for sure.

[Mike]

By the way, you know, he's great. It reminds me of, you know, Duane Allman, famously, you know, one of the greatest guitar players that ever lived who died. What was he, like, 23 years old when he died? 24 maybe.

[Aaron]

I think five, maybe. Yeah.

[Mike]

He did the guitar lead on Layla. And so anyway, so, yeah. But then Barry Oakley, who is, I think the bass player in the band, died like, almost exactly a year later in almost the exact same. Same place, also on a motorcycle. Do you remember that?

[Aaron]

Crazy.

[Mike]

Yeah. And then there was an insurance. Geico Insurance or some insurance company. No, it wasn't. Geico did an ad with the guy riding a motorcycle through mountain roads with Ramblin man playing.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Mike]

So they paid the Allman Brothers to use their song about a guy driving a motorcycle.

[Aaron]

Not well thought out. Yeah, it's sad. I mean, I might not have all these details, but when Allman, Duane Allman was on his motorcycle driving. I guess it was a. Maybe a logging truck.

[Mike]

No. Peach truck.

[Aaron]

Huh?

[Mike]

It was a peach truck. That's why the next album was called Eat a Peach.

[Aaron]

Well, he had a saying about Eat a peach. Are you maybe. Is this a Fitz fact?

[Mike]

Nope. He hit a peach truck.

[Aaron]

Wow. But it wasn't. I think it was not. I had heard it was logs, but it wasn't properly marked.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Aaron]

So. But anyway. Yeah, it's. It's so tragic. So there's more people than that that have died on motorcycles. I believe, in the music community, but it's sad.

[Mike]

Oh, wait a minute. Here is AI. The idea that Duane Allman died crashing into a peach truck is an urban legend. He actually crashed into a flatbed truck carrying a lumber crane.

[Aaron]

There you go.

[Mike]

And the title of The Allman Brothers 72 album, Eat a Peach, came from a quote he gave about eating a peach for peace.

[Aaron]

Yes.

[Mike]

All right.

[Aaron]

There it is. And the truck was not properly marked. Like, you know how you always have, like, fluorescent, like, bands and stuff hanging from the back and all, you know, so. Whatever. No, no biggie. Just one of the big biggest guitarists of all time.

[Mike]

Yeah. All right, let's cheer Up. Let's cheer up after all this death talk. Let's get to the. Let's get to the funnies.

[Aaron]

There we go.

[Mike]

All right. Every week we play the comedy caption contest. You guys send in punch lines to a one frame of a comic. We give you. We pick our favorites, we read them, and then we pick a winner that, that winner, in theory wins something. And we are gonna go back and all the winners are gonna get something right now we ran outta koozies, so maybe it's just for the love of the sport. So last week's frame was you could see King Kong in the frame. You only see King Kong's hand. And there's a blonde woman clutched in his fist. And she is talking to a woman who is seated in at a rooftop restaurant. So she's sitting on the balcony of a rooftop restaurant and it's got a tablecloth, and the woman in with the blonde hair is talking to her from the fist of King Kong. Steve Mangram said, now this is what I call getting fisted.

[Aaron]

Okay?

[Mike]

Mark Simmons said, excuse me, do you know what's the next size up from Magnum? All right, Big Stu said, I told you, if we came here, my ex might see us. Now this giant gorilla is going to fuck me right in half while you watch.

[Aaron]

Wait, what happened in the middle of that joke?

[Mike]

I don't know. It sort of changed jokes. I think she's saying King Kong was her ex boyfriend.

[Aaron]

Are you sure those aren't two different joke?

[Mike]

Maybe don't send me two jokes. People send me one fucking joke.

[Aaron]

You might have put them together. They could be from two people. It's just your formatting.

[Mike]

Sometimes people send like four jokes and one of them's good. Send me the good one.

[Aaron]

Why don't we combine it? I'm gonna make it three. You ready? I told you if we came here, my ex might see us. Now this giant gorilla is gonna fuck me right in half while you watch. No. He throws his poop with his other hand.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. Somebody wrote that joke.

[Aaron]

No, I just read it, Greg.

[Mike]

Oh, hilarious. Yeah, David V. Now he throws his. Maybe we should just do all the jokes as like a late night show monologue.

[Aaron]

Yeah, maybe. You are the poop madam.

[Mike]

All right, so that's it. What do you like? I kind of like the first one. Now this is what I call getting fisted is not bad, huh?

[Aaron]

Okay. I don't know. I mean, is the Magnum one a little more clever?

[Mike]

Do you know what the next size up from Magnum? All right, let's give it to him. Mark Simmons. Excuse me. Do you know what's the next size up from Magnum? Winner.

[Aaron]

Winner.

[Mike]

Thank you. Next week's comic is very simple. Two guys in shorts, and that's it. They've got beards and long hair. They're standing on a desert island, which is so small that it really is just a palm tree. And the two of them, and the sun is shining in the sky.

[Aaron]

There's kind of a mirror image of each other.

[Mike]

They look exactly the same.

[Aaron]

I think mirror is going to come into it.

[Mike]

All right, let's get down to the pros. The Lockhorns. Leroy and Loretta are standing on a putting green with their clubs. She says, how do you lose a ball on the putting green?

[Aaron]

Pretty good.

[Mike]

That's pretty good.

[Aaron]

It's called one bitch.

[Mike]

They're eating dinner. And then Leroy goes, if this is grade A beef, it must have cheated on the exam.

[Aaron]

All right. Good word play.

[Mike]

Okay. And then there's. Okay. And then he's talking to her. She's upset. And he goes, okay, I'm sorry. I called our wedding video a blooper reel.

[Aaron]

I like that.

[Mike]

What do you got from the Onion?

[Aaron]

Here's an onion. We got. It's just Trump sitting at his desk. He's talking to people, and it's just a headline. It's not what he said. The headline is Iran War enters Sixth Justification.

[Mike]

That's good. How many times can he say that there's a treaty? I mean, does anybody take it seriously anymore when they say, we've got a treaty?

[Aaron]

You know what does, stupidly? The stock market. Every time.

[Mike]

Yep. And that's why, you know, he's tipping people off for when he announces it. There's no way.

[Aaron]

I mean, it's up 275 today.

[Mike]

Yes. Like 400, huh? Yeah. Look up last five days. It was up 250 the day. No, 400 the day before that. But then it was down 600 and something the day before that. It's crazy.

[Aaron]

No, of course it is. Oh, yeah. It's still down for the week. I'm surprised. Yeah.

[Mike]

It had one really bad day. All right, Dagwood is sitting at the table. He's looking at a piece of paper, and Blondie is standing beside him. She has on a. An ivory white tight sweater. What?

[Aaron]

Who?

[Mike]

Boy, oh, boy is right. She looks like she is inhaling. There's. I mean, she. God, she's just. The waist is so thin. The arms are thin. And then the breasts are just so. They defy gravity. And then she's Got on a little raspberry skirt. We don't need to talk about the bowling pin calves. It's. It's fucking crazy. And so he goes, I can't believe how much we spent at the grocery store last month. The cost of groceries just seemed to go up and up. And she goes, speaking of which, deer, we. We might need to put you on a diet.

[Aaron]

Okay, I.

[Mike]

There's nothing to these jokes. I just. I. I just need people to see how she looks today. She just really. There's certain days where I don't know why she puts the extra effort in. I don't think it makes a difference in their sex life or hurt him looking up from a grocery bill to notice what's standing in front of him. But I just thought we should.

[Aaron]

How about a diet of testosterone and supplements, Male libido supplements, something, right?

[Mike]

Some Viagra, Some pineapple.

[Aaron]

Pineapple.

[Mike]

That's for her pineapple elbow. All right, don't forget, folks. Visit our sponsors, go in with our code. If you're gonna go to meatfabric.com papers and you're also going to go over to zocdoc.com papers, check them out, take a look around. Who knows what you'll find. Also, don't forget, I will be coming to St. Pete's 8-14-15. Mike, anything you want to promote?

[Aaron]

I slipped. I snuck into a theater, and I saw an hour and a half of the Odyssey. That was a good hour and a half. You start at the Trojan Horse and you go for 90 minutes. I recommend it.

[Mike]

You watch second half of the film?

[Aaron]

I wouldn't say that. I think I got right in the middle.

[Mike]

And Was it IMAX theater?

[Aaron]

Nope. So I went to see another movie, the Invite. And then when I was leaving, there was quite a racket coming out of the next room. And so I was like, oh, I know what that is. So I stuck my head in, and right at the moment I stuck my head in, it's the Trojan horse on the beach. And I'm like, well, I'm going to stand in the back and watch this. And then they had one of those handicapable chairs in the very back. You know that there's kind of. There's, like, one and then there's. There's one every, like, 20ft.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

Completely untaken. I didn't feel bad about it. The movie was already an hour in, so I sat down, not thinking I'd stay, and I stayed for an hour and a half.

[Mike]

Jojo went and saw it with some friends, and they went to the man's Chinese Theater, which is the 70 millimeter IMAX, which is the way you guys are supposed to see it. She said it was the greatest movie experience of her life. She just was blown away.

[Aaron]

I went there.

[Mike]

No seat, no cgi. Everything is real.

[Aaron]

There has to be some cgi.

[Mike]

There was no cgi.

[Aaron]

Well, these dinosaurs came down and bit people and removed them from the ship.

[Mike]

Yep. Hey, you saw Lawrence of Arabia? Didn't. Crazier. What about, you know, Star Wars? There was no cgi.

[Aaron]

Well, I know there's a lot of famous scenes like the ones with the giants where they use seven foot stuntmen and very small stunt people.

[Mike]

They did that in this movie.

[Aaron]

No, no, that. That's. I'm talking about the Odyssey. But there are. There is cg. There is. Listen. They showed a giant vortex in the ocean that the. That the boat was trying to skirt the outside of, like a funnel. Trust me, there. There's. There's. There's graphics in this, okay? When you see it, you'll be like, yeah, he didn't. That's not practical.

[Mike]

All right, Mike Gibbons, have an amazing weekend. You sound like you have a lot of fun stuff playing plan. We'll hear all about it next week.

[Aaron]

Absolutely.

[Mike]

Today. Oh, by the way, shout out to my wife. Today is our 27th anniversary.

[Aaron]

Hey, happy anniversary.

[Mike]

Yeah. So I got her a surprise. We're going to this. You ever heard of this jazz club downtown called. We never Go See Jazz? I don't know why, but it's called Sam First.

[Aaron]

I don't know it.

[Mike]

Okay, I'll let you know how it is. But yeah, I'm gonna surprise her and take her to some jazz.

[Aaron]

I know the Catalina Jazz Company, which sounds like something Will Ferrell would make up, but that's in Hollywood.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Aaron]

And the Blue Note, which we've been to. That's great.

[Mike]

There's one in la.

[Aaron]

Blue Note, Yeah. Oh, I thought you went with us. Yeah, we saw Marcus King there.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

With these two jazz greats.

[Mike]

Oh.

[Aaron]

And. And he held his own. I was worried about the guy who. Marcus King, who's amazing. And then I asked the jazz guy I saw the following week, and I told him. I go. You know, I was always like, no, no, no. He's like, like, we know Marcus King is very good at guitar because, you know, jazz guitar is insane. It's next level.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

Like class.

[Mike]

All right, good. All right, thanks for listening, everybody.

[Aaron]

How it is. Take it east.

[Mike]

Take it eash. Look at the ass on this beast of a woman. Sunday paper.