Pablo’s Rhino – Act One

Summary

Table Read Podcast Summary: "Pablo’s Rhino – Act One"

Introduction

"Pablo’s Rhino – Act One," the debut episode of Manifest Media's innovative podcast Table Read, delivers a gripping blend of live theater excitement, cinematic soundscapes, and behind-the-scenes Hollywood intrigue. Executive produced by Jack Levy, Shaan Sharma, and Mark Knell, the episode introduces listeners to Charlie Bleecker, a middle-aged accountant whose seemingly mundane life spirals into chaos and adventure. This detailed summary encapsulates the episode's key points, character dynamics, and pivotal moments, enriched with notable quotes and timestamps to enhance understanding.

Setting the Scene: Charlie's Life

The episode opens on the scenic Pacific Coast Highway in California, 2003. Charlie Bleecker, portrayed as a 42-year-old white man with a somewhat disheveled appearance, drives his sensible Volvo, humming along to the Beach Boys' "Wouldn’t It Be Nice" (00:00-00:48). This peaceful morning sets the stage for the disruptions to come.

Characters and Relationships

• Charlie Bleecker: The protagonist, an accountant struggling with personal and professional dilemmas.
• Audrey: Charlie's ex-wife, a no-nonsense female cop who introduces tension and unresolved issues between them.
• Ben: Charlie and Audrey's 8-year-old son, whose activities reveal the family's strained dynamics.
• Marcus and Sam: Charlie's friends, embodying contrasting personalities that drive the plot toward Colombia.
• Carla: A security guard involved in the family's interactions at school.
• Terrence Coleman: An imposing author who adds complexity to Charlie’s professional life.

Daily Struggles and Personal Tensions

Early in the episode, Charlie's routine is disrupted by Audrey, who pulls him over after suspecting he's following her. Their exchange reveals lingering resentment and unresolved issues:

• Audrey (03:18): "Unbelievable. Were you following me?"
• Charlie (03:03): "Oh, Christ."

Their interaction highlights the fractured relationship and sets up future conflicts. Later, at Terrence Coleman's mansion, Charlie faces professional setbacks, including News about his publishing house dropping Audrey (05:07-08:38). This confrontation underscores Charlie's vulnerabilities and dependence on Audrey for his career.

The Invitation to Colombia

Amidst personal chaos, Marcus introduces an enticing yet dangerous opportunity: an investment trip to Colombia. Despite Audrey's objections, Charlie and his friends decide to embark on this venture, driven by Marcus's relentless enthusiasm:

• Marcus (19:15): "Columbia."
• Audrey (19:16): "Yes. Columbia. Are you insane?"

Their journey to Colombia marks a turning point, transitioning from personal struggles to high-stakes adventure.

Arrival in Colombia and Initial Events

Upon arriving in Cartagena, Colombia, the group encounters cultural disparities and covert surveillance by Agents Knowles and Martinez, hinting at deeper dangers:

• Charlie (27:17): "Hmm, not the Village People I was hoping for."
• Agent Knowles (30:50): "Where's the wallet?"

Interactions with Lucia, a local Colombian policewoman, add layers to the narrative, blending Charlie's personal aspirations with the looming threat of drug cartels.

The Climax of Act One: The Rhino Incident

The episode builds to a suspenseful climax when the group ventures into the jungle to hunt a supposed "jungle cow." The tension peaks as they encounter a rhinoceros, leading to a life-threatening situation:

• Charlie (49:10): "Speaking of, Sammy needs to drop a double, so I'm off to find the little muchacho's room."
• Charlie (50:39): "Charlie, you saved us."

Charlie’s pivotal moment arrives when he confronts the charging rhinoceros, ultimately saving his friends by shooting it. This act not only showcases his unexpected bravery but also ties back to Pablo Escobar’s legacy, as the rhino bears a tag connecting it to the infamous drug lord:

• Charlie (52:03): "Is that bad?"
• Audrey (52:08): "I would say that is in a whole other time zone. From bad."

Conclusion and Cliffhanger

Act One concludes with the revelation that the slain rhino was directly linked to Pablo Escobar, setting the stage for deeper conflicts and adventures. As the group grapples with the aftermath, the episode leaves listeners eager for more, blending humor, action, and suspense seamlessly.

Notable Quotes

• Charlie Bleecker (03:03): "Oh, Christ."
• Audrey (03:18): "Unbelievable. Were you following me?"
• Marcus (19:15): "Columbia."
• Sam (41:32): "Listo?"
• Charlie Bleecker (50:39): "Charlie, you saved us."
• Audrey (52:08): "I would say that is in a whole other time zone. From bad."

Conclusion

"Pablo’s Rhino – Act One" masterfully intertwines character development with thrilling plot advancements, all set against a richly detailed audio landscape. Through Charlie’s journey from a troubled accountant to an unlikely hero, the episode explores themes of redemption, friendship, and the unforeseen challenges that life can throw our way. With its engaging narrative and dynamic sound design, Table Read offers a unique and immersive listening experience that promises more excitement in future episodes.

Transcript

[Charlie Bleecker]

1, 2, 3.

[Narrator]

Today we'll read Pablo's Rhino. Yeah, Pablo's Rhino. Written by Craig Goodwill and Sam Ruano. Inspired by a true story. Fade in. Exterior, Pacific Coast Highway, California Day, 2003. A sensible Volvo cruises down an open stretch of California highway. Windows are rolled down. Wouldn't It Be Nice Plays over the stereo. We move in closer for a look at the driver. Interior, exterior, Charlie's Volvo. Day Good old Charlie Bleecker, 42, a middle aged white guy in a short sleeve button down collar shirt and brown tie. Handsome if he tried harder. Charlie hums along with his hands gripped firmly at 10 and 2 that was.

[Radio Host]

Wouldn'T It Be Nice by our very own Beach Boys. You've got it tuned to the dial that makes you smile. Time for on this day we look back at 1993 making headlines 10 years ago today. The space shuttle Endeavour launches. Notorious drug cartel leader Pablo Escobar was gunned down by the Federales. And Canadian reggae was topping the charts with Snow's Informer.

[Narrator]

Informer by Snow comes on. Charlie knows every word. Kinda.

[Audrey]

I'm a player. I look at Boom Boom down. Boom Boom Tennis humming down the lake. I look at Boom Boom down in form. Don't you guys learn nothing from the last thing I did here when you met me? So.

[Narrator]

Several car lengths behind him, we see a cherry red convertible. The driver is a beautiful sun kissed surfer girl. Her surfboard is propped up in the passenger seat. She pulls up alongside Charlie, catching him bopping along and smiles. Charlie's sunglasses flip down unintentionally, but it gets him a laugh. He plays it cool. She gestures with her hand mimicking a surfboard as if to say, do you surf? Charlie raises a coy eyebrow. Doesn't Everybody win? An18wheeler pulls up behind Charlie and honks for him to speed up. Charlie crooks an eyebrow at the surfer girl who bites her lower lip and beckons him to follow. She drives off. He steps on the gas but quickly swerves to avoid the truck that just cut him off. Great. Now he's stuck staring at this jerk's giant bumper sticker that reads Move it or lose it. Charlie honks. He tries to pass but the truck blocks him at every turn. The trucker chuckles and flips him the bird.

[Audrey]

Oh, you want to play? Let's play.

[Narrator]

Charlie fakes left, moves far right. The truck swerves to block him. Charlie yanks the steering wheel left and veers into oncoming traffic. He shrieks as the car is about to crash. Interior, exterior Charlie's Volvo DAY Charlie opens his eyes. He is not about to die. The red convertible passes him without incident. More honking cars pass as Charlie realizes his daydreaming is holding up traffic. Off screen. Charlie checks his rearview mirror.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Oh, Christ.

[Audrey]

Now what?

[Narrator]

A cop car is pulled up in front of him. Behind the wheel is a no nonsense female cop. 38 we will come to know as Audrey, Charlie's ex wife. She exits and approaches Charlie, curses his life.

[Audrey]

Unbelievable. Were you following me?

[Carla]

License and registration.

[Charlie Bleecker]

What?

[Audrey]

Seriously? No.

[Carla]

What am I gonna say?

[Audrey]

I have no idea what you're going to say.

[Carla]

Then why'd you roll your eyes?

[Audrey]

Why were you following me?

[Narrator]

She lowers her mirrored sunglasses and peeks in the backseat. We see a pile of Accounting for Dummies type of books with Charlie's nerdy face on the COVID Is this how.

[Carla]

You drive when you're with our son?

[Audrey]

Slowly. Cautiously, of course.

[Carla]

So where are we off to so slowly?

[Audrey]

Well, to see my publisher, if he must know. So if we're done, fine.

[Carla]

I'll let you off with a warning.

[Audrey]

Oh, so magnanimous.

[Narrator]

Charlie rolls up his window, but Audrey blocks it.

[Carla]

See, saying shit like that is the reason we got divorced.

[Audrey]

Okay? Really? Because I thought it had something to do with, oh, I don't know, you suddenly discovering that you are a lesbian.

[Carla]

The warning is this, Charlie, Stay in your lane or you might get hurt.

[Audrey]

Are we done?

[Carla]

Oh, we are so done. And don't forget about Ben's career day. He's expecting you.

[Narrator]

Charlie salutes her and drives off. Cut to interior Terrence Coleman's mansion Day. A wall of mounted animal heads stare down at Charlie. They've all been stuffed to look like they're smiling. Charlie stares at a mount that has a mirror in place of a head. Beneath it is an engraved plaque that.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Reads, you could be next.

[Narrator]

Charlie turns to meet Terrence Coleman, 70s, an imposing man in a smoking jacket with a rifle tucked under one arm.

[Audrey]

Hello, Terrence.

[Charlie Bleecker]

How's my number one author doing, huh? Another best seller in the works?

[Audrey]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I got loads of new ideas.

[Narrator]

Terrence holds up a finger to gesture. He's on a call. We notice he has an earpiece in. Charlie shuffles awkwardly.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Splendid. Can't wait to read.

[Narrator]

Terrance hands Charlie the rifle.

[Audrey]

I'm not really into.

[Narrator]

Charlie holds it like a dead fish.

[Charlie Bleecker]

50 large for an advance sound. Okay, Terrific. All right.

[Audrey]

Bye.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Bye.

[Narrator]

Terrance steps behind Charlie and positions his arms to show him how to hold it.

[Charlie Bleecker]

You feel that cold, hard steel as you grip the shaft, slide your finger and blam. Dinner.

[Narrator]

He slaps Charlie on the back. The gun fires, hitting a statue, blowing off its giant cock.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Aim higher next time, okay?

[Audrey]

Terrence, on the phone, you said you had some important news.

[Narrator]

Terrence turns heel and walks out. Charlie follows. Exterior, Cliffside Terrace. Continuous. Terrence walks up to his butler and hands him his robe.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Charlie, you were my very first client. You took a chance on me when no one else would. Which is why I wanted to tell you this in person.

[Narrator]

Beneath the robe, he's wearing a full leather body harness with a studded codpiece and nothing else. His nipples are pierced with large bull rings.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Coleman Publishing has decided to drop you.

[Audrey]

What? Why?

[Narrator]

The butler holds out gloves and marksman's sunglasses on a tray. Coleman puts these on.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Well, there comes a time when a man needs to let go and let God.

[Audrey]

Okay, I don't know what that means.

[Charlie Bleecker]

It means people aren't buying accounting books anymore. No one wants to be called a dummy for something they can have. Well, someone like you do for them.

[Audrey]

Well, okay, but you know, that's actually a good thing because I was thinking of switching things up. You know, maybe write a thriller.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Charlie, Charlie, come on. You're an accountant. There are many words to describe you. But thrilling, hmm. Really?

[Audrey]

I never said it was an autobiography.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Exactly my point. People these days crave romance, adventure, danger.

[Narrator]

Coleman steps to the edge of a cliff. Charlie peaks. It's a long way down.

[Audrey]

I could do danger.

[Narrator]

He recoils at the height, clenches his heart.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Charlie, when I first started out, I was living in a basement apartment selling zines I printed on a dot matrix printer. Remember those?

[Audrey]

Yes. Yes, I remember.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Now look at me. Much of it I owe to you. I took your advice and invested. I invested the royalty, sure. Probably got it squirreled away in all sorts of low risk, low kind of return hidey holes.

[Audrey]

It's called fiscal responsibility.

[Narrator]

Coleman gives a nod to the butler, who hands him one of Charlie's books. He flips to a marked page.

[Charlie Bleecker]

This is from the foreword of your very first book, Accounting for Drooling Imbeciles. The most important investment you will ever make is in yourself.

[Audrey]

What's your point?

[Charlie Bleecker]

Well, I'm gonna do for you what you did for me all those years ago. I'm gonna give you the chance to invest in yourself.

[Audrey]

So you're not dropping me?

[Charlie Bleecker]

Oh, oh, I'm still dropping you. But with a first look, promise of whatever you write next. Dare to be different.

[Audrey]

That's it.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Life doesn't come with a safety net. Poo.

[Narrator]

The butler yanks the skeet lever shooting off a disc. Coleman falls backwards off the terrace and fires, smashing the clay pigeon to bits.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Good luck, Char.

[Narrator]

The bungee cord snaps back minus Coleman. Charlie and the butler casually peer off the ledge and cringe. We see a parachute open up. Cut 2 exterior, Alta California Public school day. Charlie pulls up to the front of the school, hits a Drive carefully sign. He gets out in a rush to stand it back up. His cell phone rings. Charlie fumbles to answer it. Intercut with exterior Tropicali club. Ali Day. Marcus, 42, every part. The hairy chested gold chain wearing club owner is on the other end supervising a delivery of kegs being unloaded.

[Audrey]

Marcus, I can't talk right now.

[Marcus]

Oh, hello Marcus. How's my old asbestos friend? I'm fine, Charlie, thanks for asking.

[Audrey]

Listen, I'm late for Ben's career day.

[Marcus]

Oh, Ben needs a job. Why didn't you say so? Can he attend bart?

[Audrey]

Uh, he's 9, so I'm thinking no.

[Narrator]

Charlie hurries into the school.

[Marcus]

Men's room attendant then. Anyway, listen, I need your input on a business thingy.

[Audrey]

What kind of business thingy?

[Marcus]

Investment opportunity. Love it.

[Audrey]

Okay. Marcus, I'm pretty swamped these days. Working on a new book.

[Narrator]

Uh huh.

[Marcus]

Uh huh. Yeah. Remind me again who saved you from drowning back in third grade?

[Audrey]

Sam did.

[Marcus]

Only because I pushed him in too.

[Narrator]

Alleyway A car pulls up at the other end of the alley. Two burly Latino guys get out. One holds a bat back on Marcus.

[Marcus]

Oh fuck.

[Audrey]

What? What's the matter? Nothing.

[Marcus]

Nothing. We'll discuss it at Sam's party, so do not bail.

[Narrator]

Marcus walks away slowly at first, then briskly the guys follow.

[Audrey]

Oh, is that tonight?

[Narrator]

Marcus takes off running. Okay, gotta go.

[Marcus]

Talk later.

[Narrator]

Charlie hears heavy panting on the line, so he hangs up. Interior, Alta California Public school hallway day. Charlie stops in front of a classroom and peeks in, spotting his cherubic son, Ben, 8. He waves. Ben looks up like he's just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. The teacher, 28, comes over and opens the door for Charlie.

[Audrey]

Hi. Am I too late?

[Carla]

Too late for career Day?

[Audrey]

I'm Charlie Bleeker, Ben's dad.

[Carla]

Oh, you must be the donor. Ben's other mom said you might stop by. Of course you're welcome to sit in.

[Audrey]

Donor.

[Narrator]

A very confused Charlie is led inside to find Interior, classroom. Day. Carla, 42, an attractive, albeit hulking woman in a security guard uniform, addresses the class beneath a banner that reads Career Day okay.

[Ben]

As head of the stadium security rose J through L. I've been in the shit Shit. Sorry I said the shit word.

[Narrator]

The kids giggle. Charlie's about to protest, but he looks over at Ben, who begs him with his eyes to keep quiet anyway, where was I?

[Marcus]

Shit.

[Ben]

Right Chin. That's why I carry this bat, boy.

[Narrator]

Carla lifts a pant leg to reveal a Taser. She takes it out of its ankle holster and holds it up for everyone to see.

[Ben]

50,000 balls of piss your pants, Justice. Right here, kids. Come on, sweetie, pass it around.

[Narrator]

Teacher scrunches a no smile. Carla shrugs and holsters it.

[Ben]

Last bit of advice before I go.

[Narrator]

Carla leans in like it's a secret. The class leans in, too.

[Ben]

You ever find yourself under some tweaker? Quickest way to get him or hair off? Jam a thumb right up the creeper. No matter the size of them, that son of a bitch will pop right off every time. Go ahead and try it on a friend.

[Narrator]

A few kids in the back are already trying it.

[Carla]

Okay, that was insightful, class. Can we all say thank you to Mrs. Bleeker?

[Audrey]

No, she's not.

[Narrator]

Thank you, Mrs. Bleeker. Carla sits and gives Charlie the old finger guns. Charlie stands and coughs expectantly.

[Carla]

Oh, okay. We have a final surprise speaker. Benjamin's paternal figure.

[Audrey]

I'm Ben's actual dad.

[Narrator]

Charlie nods and walks up to the front awkwardly just as the bell rings. The kids dash out before Charlie can even say hi. Carla swats Charlie in the back as she leaves.

[Ben]

Hey, Chuck. Looks like I stole your spot again.

[Sam]

Sorry, dad. She kind of just showed up. I tried stalling. You really should have been here sooner.

[Narrator]

Ben runs off after his friends, leaving Charlie alone. Cut to exterior, Tropicali Club. Night. A bouncer lets a few people in through the double doors, past a sign that reads, closed for private event.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Oh, Stacy and I are. Well, we're just so happy to have our friends and family here.

[Narrator]

Interior, Tropicali club. Night. Sam, 41, stylish with boyish good looks, gives a speech while Stacy, 38, his frisky and perpetually drunk new fiance, keeps fondling his ass, making it even tougher for him to speak to help us.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Celebrate our engagement like this. And, well, we look forward to seeing you at.

[Narrator]

Stacy sloppily nibbles on Sam's ear. The crowd cheers for the story until he relents.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Well, okay. We were walking back to my place, a little tipsy and exhausted, so I turned to Stacy and I said, will you carry me?

[Narrator]

People in the crowd snicker. Stacy flashes a devil sign.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Before I knew it, Stacy had planned this party and booked a Caterer Sam's.

[Narrator]

Husky dad steps in and grabs the mic as Sam hands a drunk Stacy off to one of her friends.

[Radio Host]

Who'd have thought after all these years, my boy walking down the aisle. Man and wife. Man and fucking wife.

[Narrator]

People cheer. A voice from the back calls out over the crowd.

[Charlie Bleecker]

I object.

[Narrator]

The crowd turns to see Philippe, 30s, a flamboyant, albeit tiny French man, storming in from the back. Felipe, Charlie and Marcus exchange looks. Oh, shit. The crowd turns back to. Sorry, do you want to say Felipe or Felipe? Do we have a preference?

[Charlie Bleecker]

I don't think you should try to define it.

[Narrator]

No, no.

[Charlie Bleecker]

And quite honestly, I like if you're.

[Narrator]

Calling him one thing and he's calling him one else. I'll keep calling him Phillipe then. Yeah, okay, great. Charlie and Marcus exchange looks. Oh, shit. The crowd turns back to Philippe, then to Sam, then to Stacy. You said you loved me.

[Audrey]

I I.

[Charlie Bleecker]

What I meant was.

[Narrator]

Sam marinates in everyone's stares, takes a deep breath.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Oh, fuck it. Oui, mon cheri.

[Audrey]

Oui, oui, oui.

[Charlie Bleecker]

I love this man and I'm going to.

[Narrator]

Drunk Stacy smashes Sam with a right hook. Leap, jumps.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Smash him with the right hook and react. Dustin, can you go take this?

[Narrator]

Drunk Stacy smashes Sam with a right hook. Philippe jumps on Stacy's back. She swings him around, knocks Charlie in the gut. He goes crashing into the drink table. Marcus tries to intervene and get Stacey smashed in the face by Stacy.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Oh, damn.

[Narrator]

People stand back and gawk.

[Radio Host]

That's my boy.

[Narrator]

Dissolve to interior, Tropicali Club. Later. Everyone's gone. Balloons deflated and the banner torn. Charlie and Marcus sit at the bar, flanking Sam, who holds a bottle of wine over his swollen eye. They all look like they've been through the wringer.

[Audrey]

So that went well.

[Narrator]

Charlie pats Sam on the back.

[Charlie Bleecker]

I guess you were bound to find out sooner or later. I've been living a lie.

[Narrator]

Charlie and Marcus exchange a look, a beat. They crack up.

[Charlie Bleecker]

So you guys knew how? I only figured it out a couple of months ago. Who told you?

[Audrey]

Well, let's see.

[Marcus]

Your parents, teachers, mailman Coach Riley, Pastor Tim, Shalumba, that foreign exchange kid back in eighth grade.

[Narrator]

A barman comes over and whispers into Marcus's ear. He downs his drink and makes his way towards the kitchen.

[Charlie Bleecker]

You know how hard it was for me to admit.

[Marcus]

Ah, relax. Gay is the new black. Just ask Charlie's gay black wife.

[Audrey]

Yeah, the only reason we never said anything was cause it seemed like such a big deal to you.

[Charlie Bleecker]

So wait, this entire time I Could have been just proud and loud.

[Audrey]

Refill.

[Narrator]

Sam holds up two fingers.

[Audrey]

Okay, I better go see where Marcus ran off to.

[Narrator]

Charlie makes his way to the kitchen. He's about to push through the swinging doors when he sees Marcus through the portal window. In a heated discussion with two South American 40 mob guys. One of them shoves Marcus up against the wall before exiting past Charlie. Marcus sucks in his gut and follows them out.

[Marcus]

Sure. Yep. I'll call you.

[Audrey]

What was that all about? That?

[Marcus]

Just one of my backers telling me he's.

[Narrator]

He's back. Sam walks up to them, waving an empty glass.

[Marcus]

Hey, there's the man of the hour.

[Narrator]

Marcus throws an arm around both of them.

[Marcus]

What's with the long faces? I thought we were celebrating.

[Audrey]

Celebrating what exactly? Our collective midlife crises.

[Marcus]

Sammy coming out, you being canned.

[Narrator]

Whatever.

[Marcus]

Listen, I got three words for you.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Kill me now. No.

[Marcus]

All inclusive. Vacations.

[Audrey]

Oh, please don't tell me this has something to do with your investment opportunity.

[Marcus]

Gentlemen, a little investment opportunity has fallen.

[Audrey]

Into my lap and there it is.

[Marcus]

I would like the two of you to join me on a sun filled getaway to.

[Narrator]

Yes.

[Charlie Bleecker]

The answer is yes. Oh, sorry. Go on.

[Narrator]

Columbia.

[Audrey]

Yes. Columbia. Are you insane? No, no, no, no. Count me out.

[Marcus]

Fuck you mean you're out?

[Narrator]

Charlie shrugs like it's common knowledge, counts on his fingers.

[Audrey]

Okay, let's see. Kidnapping, drug cartels, salted pork. Pick one. The only people who go to Colombia are drug mules and guys with hairy chest named Rico.

[Marcus]

Okay, first off, racist. Secondly, you just described half the Bay Area.

[Narrator]

Sam nods in agreement. Charlie looks back in the direction of the kitchen and crooks an eye at Marcus.

[Audrey]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This wouldn't have anything to do with your backer, by chance?

[Narrator]

Marcus waves off the thought. He whips out a pamphlet and hands it to Charlie.

[Marcus]

Ah, forget him. Check this out. Paraiso Perdido.

[Audrey]

Oh, please tell me you did not buy a vacation resort.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Better.

[Narrator]

I bought it.

[Marcus]

Okay, well, not yet, but my buddy Manny's making us an incredible deal.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Marcus, you are insane. And I have prison man love for you.

[Audrey]

Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, did you just say us?

[Marcus]

It's the deal of a lifetime. Why would I want to cut my best friends in?

[Audrey]

Okay, because I thought we agreed you were going to run these kind of things by me from now on.

[Narrator]

I am.

[Marcus]

Right now we're taking five glorious days of coma inducing fun in the Caribbean sun.

[Audrey]

Columbia's not in the Caribbean.

[Narrator]

Whatever.

[Marcus]

Common savior.

[Audrey]

Marcus, you do not know the first thing about running a resort.

[Marcus]

So we hire people to run it for us.

[Audrey]

You keep using this word, us. All right, look.

[Marcus]

If it wasn't for me, all you'd ever do is stay home, play with your dolls and cry over your failed marriage.

[Audrey]

They are reenactment figurines.

[Marcus]

Besides, you need this. It's time to get back on the whore.

[Audrey]

Sss with an S. Plural.

[Marcus]

Exactly. Wouldn't you rather be an action figure instead of play with him?

[Narrator]

Charlie considers this before coming to his senses.

[Audrey]

No, I can't just up and run off to Columbia. I've got responsibilities.

[Narrator]

Charlie picks up the empties and walks off.

[Marcus]

The old Charlie would have jumped at a chance like this.

[Audrey]

Well, let me know if you see him. He's got some explaining to do off.

[Narrator]

Sam and Marcus watching him go. Cut to exterior, Audrey's house. Day. Charlie parks his car and steps out, shocked by what he sees in the driveway. Ben, in full goalie gear, is duct taped to a hockey net like a drill dummy, while Carla takes slap shots. One ball hits Ben in the chest. Ben winces.

[Sam]

Dad.

[Audrey]

Benny. What the hell is this?

[Narrator]

Carla turns to see Charlie approach.

[Ben]

Oh, hey, Chuck. Still cruising around in that old vulva, I see Carla.

[Audrey]

Why the hell is my son tied up?

[Ben]

Well, little guy wanted to learn how to man up and take a slap shot. Figures someone had to teach him.

[Sam]

Come on, dad, hit me.

[Narrator]

Carla offers Charlie the stick, expecting him to back down.

[Audrey]

No, no, no. This ends now.

[Narrator]

Aye.

[Ben]

Don't be such a milk dot, Charlie. Do it for the kid.

[Narrator]

Charlie can feel Ben's eyes on him. He grabs the stick, feels the balance of it in his hands. He winds up for the shot.

[Audrey]

Carla, next time an eight year old tells you to tie him up, Charlie.

[Narrator]

Releases Top left corner. Nothing but nets.

[Audrey]

Think like a grown up and don't.

[Narrator]

Another shot. Nothing but net. Just as Charlie goes to release his third shot, Audrey comes out of the house.

[Carla]

Charlie, what the. Are you insane?

[Narrator]

The ball flies and hits Ben square in the groin.

[Sam]

My balls.

[Narrator]

He grunts. He grunts and falls forward with the net, falling on top of him.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Hey, Kevin, have you ever been hitting the balls before? Give me a little bit more than Justin. Can you take care of that?

[Carla]

Charlie, are you insane?

[Narrator]

The ball flies and hits Ben square in the groin. He grunts and falls forward with the net falling on top of him. Charlie drops the stick. They rush to Ben.

[Ben]

Jesus, Charlie, he's just a kid.

[Carla]

Ben, sweetie, baby, are you all right?

[Audrey]

Oh, Benny, I am so sorry.

[Narrator]

Audrey rips through the tape.

[Audrey]

Mom, did you.

[Sam]

Did you see it?

[Charlie Bleecker]

I Took it in the pills like. Like a champ.

[Carla]

What the hell were you thinking?

[Narrator]

Charlie is flummoxed.

[Ben]

Really responsible, Chuck. You could have seriously hurt the boy.

[Narrator]

Charlie seethes, but decides not to turn it into a thing.

[Audrey]

I'm sorry, buddy. Are you all right?

[Sam]

Yeah, I'm all right. I double bagged it, just like Carla taught me. You want to see?

[Ben]

Better check his coin purse just in.

[Narrator]

Case Charlie throws Carla a look.

[Carla]

What are you doing here anyway?

[Audrey]

Well, I came by to tell Ben I won't be able to take him to the Civil War reenactment this weekend. Turns out I need to work the civ.

[Carla]

Okay, so first you almost kill our son, and now you're bailing on him? That's pretty low, even for you.

[Narrator]

Charlie takes a knee. Ben doesn't want to show. He's really not all that disappointed.

[Sam]

No, that's okay. I understand. I mean, since it's for work.

[Audrey]

Well, the pressure's on. But look, I'll make it up to you, all right, bud?

[Sam]

So, I mean, is it okay then if Carla chaperones a camping trip with the other dads from school?

[Narrator]

This one cuts deep, but Charlie concedes for Ben's sake.

[Audrey]

The camping trip he forgot. Yeah, absolutely. I just want you to have fun. Just don't let her tie it any trees.

[Narrator]

Ben nods and they hug before Charlie heads back to his car.

[Sam]

Love you, dad.

[Ben]

Off to another exciting a content convention, Chuck.

[Narrator]

She cackles. Charlie walks off, set to blow. Voices swirl in his head.

[Charlie Bleecker]

There are many words to describe you, but thrilling?

[Carla]

Stay in your lane.

[Marcus]

Wouldn't you rather be an action figure instead of play with them?

[Charlie Bleecker]

Bang.

[Narrator]

Charlie turns back and walks right up to Carla, projecting all the swagger a man in cargo pants can muster.

[Audrey]

Matter of fact, Carla, I am headed to a little country called Columbia. Only one of the deadliest places on Earth. Jungle's so dense, even the trees will kill you. 20 foot anaconda ready to swallow you up.

[Narrator]

Ben's mouth drops. This is the coolest thing ever.

[Audrey]

A cesspool of cuts, gorillas and drug pushers armed to the teeth with automatic weapons, looking to rip out your tongue and use it for its damn flicker. That's where I'm going. And if you ever tie my kid up again, I will come back and show you how it's done. We clear, Carl?

[Narrator]

Carla is stunned. Charlie puts his shades back on, surprised with himself. He walks back to his car. Audrey catches up with him. Hey.

[Carla]

Hey, Charlie. Listen, about Career Day.

[Audrey]

Don't mention it. You know, I kind of Felt bad for Carla. So awkward.

[Narrator]

She smiles. There's still some sweetness left between them.

[Carla]

So Columbia? Really?

[Audrey]

Research my new book. It's a thriller.

[Narrator]

Audrey is impressed. She tries to hide a smile and laugh.

[Audrey]

What?

[Carla]

Just for a second there, I thought about when we first met and how excited you were to write the great American novel.

[Audrey]

Maybe it's time to change lanes.

[Narrator]

Charlie smiles, turns to walk to his car. Hey, Charlie looks back.

[Carla]

Check your blind spot. Okay?

[Narrator]

Charlie winks and turns. His confidence descends into dread. Prelaps screaming jet turbines Take us to exterior Cartagena Airport Runway Day establishing the plane screeches down onto a heat blurred tarmac over traditional Cumbian music. EXTERIOR Cartagena airport arrivals exit DAY Slow mo Marcus swaggers like Don Johnson, hair slicked back. Sam, sporting a neckerchief, struts like a peacock. Charlie straggles, covered in sweat, looking green. The front of the airport bustles with fruit vendors, beggars and touts pushing taxis and brothels.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Hmm, not the Village People I was hoping for.

[Narrator]

Through a camera mat From a distance, the guys are oblivious. They are being photographed. Quick photo of Marcus.

[Marcus]

Keep your eyes peeled. Manny said there'd be a driver.

[Narrator]

Click photo of Sam.

[Charlie Bleecker]

I need a phantom. Anyone else?

[Narrator]

Click photo of Charlie.

[Audrey]

How about a tetanus shot?

[Narrator]

Shots.

[Marcus]

Yeah, now you're thinking. All right, let me see if I can find.

[Charlie Bleecker]

All right, do bring the car around, Marcus. There's a good man.

[Narrator]

Marcus flips on the bird as he walks off. EXTERIOR STREETS of Cartagena Continuous A couple big sweaty men standing around an old van snicker at Marcus approach.

[Marcus]

Hola amigos. I'm looking for a car that's supposed to take me to takes out brochure Carraso Perdido. Ring any bells?

[Narrator]

They all laugh. Marcus, not getting the joke, laughs along.

[Audrey]

Yeah, sure.

[Radio Host]

We take you there, Marcus.

[Narrator]

The second trucker reaches behind his back for a pistol.

[Marcus]

Excellent.

[Narrator]

Excellent.

[Marcus]

Did Senor Rojas send you? See many Rojas? He said he'd send a car, but I guess.

[Sam]

Just say Manolo Rojas.

[Marcus]

Oh great, so you do know Manny.

[Narrator]

The truckers get in their truck and apologetically drive off.

[Sam]

Better look.

[Marcus]

Wait, aren't you guys guys?

[Narrator]

Exterior Streets of Cartagena Convenience stand continuous. Charlie glumly watches as a few street kids playing soccer. While he waits, the ball rolls over Charlie's way. He stops it and passes it back to a kid. The kid arcs the ball back to catch it in the nape of his neck. Charlie nods, suitably impressed. The kid smiles and rubs his index finger and thumb together.

[Audrey]

All right, kid. That's worth a peso.

[Narrator]

Charlie takes out his Velcro wallet. The kid kicks the ball right at Charlie's nose. Stunned, he drops the wallet. The kid grabs it and takes off. He gets about 10ft when he's yanked back hard. Seconds before a speeding truck almost hits him. Charlie comes running to find Lucia, a stunning Colombian woman, 34, dressed like a female Indiana Jones with no nonsense attitude. A police badge dangles from her neck. Charlie, still seeing stars, looks up and gets a glimpse of her backlit by the sun, looking like an angel.

[Audrey]

Oh, that was amazing.

[Narrator]

The kid unwillingly hands her the wallet. She lets him go and he runs off. Lucia opens it and checks Charlie's id.

[Ben]

CHARLIE Bleecker, if you insist on being a target, at least be a moving one.

[Audrey]

Thanks, I'll remember that.

[Narrator]

Marcus and Sam come running up to them. Lucia eyes them all, tosses back the wallet.

[Ben]

Colombia can be a dangerous place. Charlie Bleecker. Be more careful.

[Narrator]

She walks off.

[Audrey]

But what's your name? Can I call you? What a beautiful name.

[Charlie Bleecker]

In your dreams, Charlie.

[Audrey]

Definitely.

[Narrator]

Sam shakes his head and leaves. Charlie staring off. Smitten. Exterior, Cartagena streets. Day. We follow the street kid as he walks past. A man, 40s, gobbling a hamburger at a curbside cantina. The man sticks out his foot and blocks the kid. This is Agent Knowles with the dea. A Miami Vice throwback with perma stubble.

[Radio Host]

Where's the wallet?

[Sam]

Some lady just stopped me.

[Narrator]

The kid tries to grab a fry. Knowles pulls them away.

[Radio Host]

This guy Americano?

[Sam]

Si, si.

[Radio Host]

And the woman who stopped you, do they know each other?

[Narrator]

Noel slides the plate of fries back with 2,000 pesos under it. The kid grabs it all and takes off. A thin man in a straw hat comes out of the cantina, the camera slung around his neck. This is Agent Martinez, 40s.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Anything useful?

[Radio Host]

More touristas in search of paradise, courtesy of Manny Rojas.

[Narrator]

Exterior, Cartagena airport. Day. An El Dorado convertible pulls up in front of the guys. Ernie, a skinny kid, 20s, in cheap sunglasses, flashes a wide grin.

[Sam]

Well, I want you guys done. Marcus.

[Marcus]

Oh, yeah, Marcus. Marcus is my first name. This is Charlie and that's Sam.

[Sam]

Oh, comucho gusto. I am Ernesto, your driver. Call me Ernie.

[Narrator]

Ernie pops the trunk, hops out and opens the doors. What did I tell you?

[Charlie Bleecker]

First class all the way. I'd hate to see last class.

[Narrator]

Ernie grabs their bags and throws them in the trunk.

[Sam]

O quermanos. Paradise always jewel.

[Narrator]

As Charlie gets in, he spots Lucia across the street.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Hey, Charlie. Isn't that your dream girl?

[Audrey]

Oh yeah. What did she say her name was? It was something exotic sounding.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Entuswano.

[Audrey]

Something like that.

[Narrator]

Ernie laughs as they pull out and drive off.

[Sam]

Entus Huenos. In your dreams, Charlie. In your dreams.

[Narrator]

Exterior Colombian countryside. Driving day. Ernie switches on some reggaeton music as the guys take in the colorful Colombian cityscape.

[Charlie Bleecker]

So, is Colombia as dangerous as everyone says it is?

[Sam]

No, no, no. It's much saved for these past 10 years. Don Pablo left us.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Don Pablo? What was he like your president or something?

[Narrator]

They all look back at him. Are you kidding?

[Marcus]

Escobar, you tit.

[Charlie Bleecker]

I knew that. Who's Pablo Escobar?

[Narrator]

They all look at Sam like he's got nipples for eyes only.

[Audrey]

The richest, most notorious drug lord in history.

[Narrator]

Ernie's megawatt smile is momentarily replaced place by a haunted expression.

[Sam]

Mira, Escuche. Some say El Patron was the cancer of Colombia. Many call him the patron saint of pain and the warden of agony. Rumors persist he never died and waste in the shadows so that one day he may rise again.

[Narrator]

He crosses himself. Sam is still confused.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Okay, so not your president.

[Narrator]

Cut to exterior Finka Hideaway day. Establishing angle on an idyllic pastoral scene of a country farmhouse until we notice the armed guards in full on camouflage. Interior Finka hideaway front hall. Day. Maria Chung, 42, a five foot nothing, spunky, big haired, bald buster of an Asian woman carrying her yappy lasso apso like a clutch handbag and a rolled up newspaper in the other hand. She opens the front door, pushing aside an armed guard.

[Radio Host]

Move.

[Ben]

Where is he?

[Narrator]

Rudy? A henchman comes out to greet her, smiling nervously.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Dona Maria, we did not expect you back so soon. How was your vacation?

[Ben]

Don't give me any of that shit. Where the hell is my husband?

[Charlie Bleecker]

Oh, Don Paulo. He's in the kitchen preparing lunch for the children.

[Narrator]

She shows the paper to Rudy.

[Ben]

Did you know about this?

[Charlie Bleecker]

Why Dona Maria, I am not privileged to such things.

[Narrator]

Smack. Maria swats him with the paper and then storms down the hallway.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Hey, what's the sound of you getting smacked by Maria?

[Sam]

Can you do that again, Tim?

[Narrator]

Sure. Smack. Maria swats in with the paper and then storms down the hallway. Interior, Escobar hideaway kitchen. Day. Pablo Pablo, 54, the instantly recognizable mustachioed bear wears a frilly apron over his safari shirt. He stands in front of a hot stove chomping on a cigar, making grilled cheeses.

[Ben]

I know you can hear me.

[Narrator]

Pablo's eyes go wide. Uh oh. He takes a cigar out of his mouth. Chucks it at an open window and waves his hand to clear up the smoke.

[Pablo Escobar]

Mijelda Miro temprano.

[Ben]

That better not be smoke, Iceman.

[Narrator]

The door pushes open. In walks Maria, fit to be tied.

[Pablo Escobar]

Maria mi angel.

[Audrey]

You're back.

[Ben]

What am I going to say? What am I going to say?

[Pablo Escobar]

I have no idea what you are going to say.

[Ben]

Then why do you roll your eyes?

[Pablo Escobar]

What has gotten you so upset, mi amor?

[Ben]

Explain yourself.

[Narrator]

She slams the paper down on the counter. ANGLE ON FRONT page the headline reads ESCOBAR DEAD OR alive. Above a grainy photograph of Pablo in a ball cap and sunglasses walking through a forest like Bigfoot me vida.

[Pablo Escobar]

This is salacious gossip mongering. Why you pay attention?

[Ben]

A better question is why would a dead man visit a fucking zoo?

[Narrator]

He grimaces, the words stuck in his throat. Then okay, fine.

[Pablo Escobar]

It was me.

[Audrey]

I did it.

[Pablo Escobar]

But garida, I need to see my animals next to you. They are my everything.

[Ben]

What about your children?

[Pablo Escobar]

What about them?

[Ben]

10 years. 10 years you have been dead and you come out to feed the fucking animals.

[Pablo Escobar]

MARIA My hippos, my rhino. They're out there in the wild, cold and alone. They need me. I swear, if anything were to happen to them.

[Ben]

Pablo. Pablo who is the head of this family now?

[Narrator]

He waffles. Technically, on paper, who you are.

[Ben]

Correcto, Joe. I am the one who's wearing los pants. I control the production and the distribution. You control the grilled cheese.

[Narrator]

Got it. Maria storms out of the kitchen. Pablo tastes his grilled cheese. Not bad. Okay, bad. Cut to EXTERIOR FRONT GATES Pariso perdido dei. The car drives to security station flanked by armed guards. Ernie waves and the car is allowed to pass. Exteriorizo Perdido de As the sun dips below the trees, we arrive at an old colonial villa framed by exotic floral topiaries.

[Marcus]

Woo.

[Narrator]

Yep. As the sun dips below the trees, we arrive at an old colonial villa framed by exotic floral topiaries and fountains framed by fruit trees and palm fronds.

[Charlie Bleecker]

There we go.

[Narrator]

Who wrote that? INTERIOR Pariso Perdido Villas Day. Ernie opens the doors to an enormous room. The guys are dumbstruck. The luxurious suite is decked out in a tropical motif with marble floors and gold fixtures. It screams money.

[Sam]

Do you like it? Huh? Senor Rojas forgets he cannot be here to greet you personally, but he has instructed me to extend every courtesy. His house is your house.

[Marcus]

Hey, mi casa, su casa.

[Charlie Bleecker]

I just got that.

[Narrator]

The guys drop their bags. Marcus pulls out a fiver for Ern.

[Sam]

Oh please. I would consider it an offense.

[Narrator]

Marcus pushes it back into Ernie's pocket, winks.

[Sam]

Okay, now if you caballero, excuse me, I must confer with the chef about dinner.

[Narrator]

Ernie turns, pulls out the dirty bill like it's a used tissue.

[Marcus]

Now this is living.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Screw living. This is heaven.

[Narrator]

Charlie opens a door to an adjoining identical suite.

[Audrey]

Check it out. Adjoining rooms.

[Marcus]

You see, I told you guys.

[Narrator]

Manny is the real deal.

[Audrey]

Yeah, well, I will reserve judgment.

[Marcus]

Oh, crazy shit is gonna go down. I can feel it.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Speaking of, Sammy needs to drop a double, so I'm off to find the little muchacho's room.

[Narrator]

Sam steps into the ensuite and starts humming. Charlie's room. Charlie unpacks, putting everything away neatly, while Marcus grabs a swan towel off his bed and pretends to hump it.

[Charlie Bleecker]

You tired to wang buckler?

[Marcus]

Try that again.

[Audrey]

I think.

[Marcus]

I'm almost there.

[Charlie Bleecker]

I'm almost.

[Marcus]

Let me finish. Just let me finish.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Just let me finish.

[Marcus]

All right. Oh, my God. Time to wang Chun Colombian style. Poppy, huh? What do you think?

[Audrey]

I think you're going to catch swan.

[Marcus]

Herb about buying the place, man. I mean, you're the investment guru.

[Audrey]

Okay, Marcus, we've been here less than an hour. Okay, I get you wanted a free trip and everything, but you're not seriously considering buying this place, are you?

[Marcus]

Admit it. You don't think I have the business smarts to pull this off, do you?

[Audrey]

Okay, look, it's not like running a nightclub. The hospitality industry is a major commitment.

[Narrator]

And no offense, Sam walks back in, fanning himself.

[Charlie Bleecker]

You should buy this place for the bidet alone. It's liberating.

[Sam]

Hmm.

[Marcus]

Charlie doesn't think I'm smart enough to run a resort.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Because you're not. But you could pay someone to be smart enough like you do for the bar.

[Narrator]

Marcus is satisfied with that.

[Audrey]

Okay, look, putting aside the monumental risk factor, the financing, the liability, do you even know what's around here? Or anything at all about this country, for that matter? It's called due diligence.

[Narrator]

Marcus grabs three beers from the mini bar and tosses them out. Sam screams, completely missing the bottle. It smashes through a window. Marcus pulls out another.

[Marcus]

I thought you might say that. Which is why I arranged for us to go on a little fact finding mission. You know, take in some of the local culture.

[Charlie Bleecker]

How local?

[Narrator]

Cut 2. Exterior, Jungle, Mountain roads. Moving Jeep. Day. Ernie and the guys ride in a Range Rover through the winding countryside. The Jeep pulls into a clearing in front of a small thatched hut with a satellite dish. They all hop out Exterior Mamo's hut.

[Sam]

Day okay, chicos, to fully appreciate the beauty of Colombia, you need to purge yourself of all impurities in order to be born again as true Colombianos.

[Marcus]

I thought impurities were the whole reason we came.

[Sam]

Well, consider this your spiritual rebirth, okay? Listo?

[Audrey]

Not in the least, though.

[Charlie Bleecker]

And for the record, I was told we were going to a day spa.

[Narrator]

Charlie pokes a wind chime of tiny skulls hanging off a tree.

[Audrey]

Okay, remind me again why you thought this was a good idea.

[Marcus]

For one, this will help you unclench. Or at the very least, look, it's just so blitzed, you'll totally forget your name.

[Narrator]

Charlie shrugs. Good point. Interior mamo's hut. Day. The guys walk in through the beaded curtain. There's a fire pit in the center surrounded by log benches. They sit.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Holy fuckaduck. It's like Satan's sphincter in here.

[Audrey]

Hey, hey, hey.

[Marcus]

Don't be rude.

[Narrator]

This is somebody's house. Enter a Mamo. 80s, very muscular for a man his age. He's naked except for a loincloth and feathered headdress.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Okay, now we're talking.

[Narrator]

The mamo chants in his mountain language as he reaches into a pouch and blows a handful of cocaine dust at them. Charlie lays a very wet old man sneeze right in Marcus face.

[Marcus]

Dude, seriously.

[Narrator]

Charlie wipes his nose, looks around for something to wipe his hand on, but there's nothing. So he wipes it on Sam. On Mamo. He takes out a clay bowl and blows some cigar smoke into it, letting the fumes waft over him. He takes a sip and passes it to Marcus. Winning room, I guess.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Sweet Jesus, he's already forgotten where we are.

[Narrator]

Marcus takes a swig and passes it to Sam, who gags from the smell he drinks and passes the bowl to Charlie.

[Audrey]

Feeling anything?

[Narrator]

Sam and Marcus exchange looks and shrug. Neither feel a thing. Charlie resigns himself to the moment.

[Audrey]

Why do I let you talk me into this stuff?

[Narrator]

Charlie takes a giant gulp. Everyone watches him. And then, slowly, a smile comes across his face.

[Audrey]

Uh, that actually tastes kind of. Kind of?

[Narrator]

He falls to his knees and retches violently. Marcus and Sam laugh maniacally in slow motion. Then two join in the puking. Exterior Shaman's hut. Later, Marcus and Sam are at a water pump, trying to wash the shit stains off their underpants. Charlie emerges born again. Marcus and Sam go to him.

[Audrey]

Charlie.

[Charlie Bleecker]

We thought you were dead.

[Audrey]

Gentlemen, I am alive and ready to box.

[Charlie Bleecker]

No, I lied.

[Narrator]

He wretches, prelap. Cue wild Colombian party music. Party montage NIGHT GAMBLING PIT Charlie, Sam, and Marcus, in a boozy haze, hunch over a dirt pit surrounded by gambling farmers all clutching bills. Across from them, a ranchero pulls the drawstring on a burlap sack and a cobra slithers out. Charlie scoffs. He whistles and a monkey jumps into the pit, flips up on a switchblade. The crowd goes wild. SCORPION DEN we make our way through a crowd of onlookers to the front of the crowd. At the front, a shirtless Marcus is in a chugging contest with another man. As the crowd cheers them on, we pan down to reveal scorpions clamp to each of their nipples. The other guy swells up horribly, making Marcus the winner. FIGHT CAGE Sam, bare chested and spent, sits on a stool in the corner of a chain link FIGHT cage. The crowd shouts his name. He does another rail of blow. The bell dings and a horde of masked midget luchadoros pour in. Sam howls and bats each one away. NEON LOVE MOTEL Marcus door opens and out walk two gorgeous women, followed by a satisfied Marcus. Next door, a terrified Charlie runs out, followed by a humongous sweaty woman. Sam's door opens and out comes three gorgeous men, eight masked midget wrestlers, the Switchblade Monkey and a couple of chickens, followed by Sam doing up his robe. DISSOLVE TWO EXTERIOR TRUCK moving through the jungle. NEXT morning Ernie drives over bumpy terrain. Marcus, Sam, and Charlie are dressed in suits, looking very hungover.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Oh man, my head feels like I was shot out of a ferret.

[Audrey]

Remind me again what part of waking up at the ass crack of dawn was a good idea?

[Marcus]

Waking up?

[Narrator]

This is real.

[Sam]

You said you wanted the full cultural experience.

[Narrator]

DISTANT POV and again they are being watched. EXTERIOR JUNGLE ROAD NIGHT Knowles and Martinez sit in a parked Jeep. Knowles hands Martinez a pair of binoculars. Scope mat. The Jeep stops and our weary travelers pour out. Ernie and his helper Louise, unlocked, unload a duffel bag of AK47s.

[Charlie Bleecker]

What do you think? Could be arms dealers.

[Narrator]

Back to scene it's possible.

[Radio Host]

Whoever these guys are, they're no amateurs.

[Charlie Bleecker]

My guess Rojas is making a run for the throne.

[Narrator]

Noel smiles, throws an armor at Martinez.

[Radio Host]

This is the one we've been waiting for, Marty. We do this right, we finally get out of this shithole country.

[Charlie Bleecker]

How do you want to handle it?

[Radio Host]

We waited this long. Let's see how it plays out.

[Narrator]

EXTERIOR Deep jungle day. Charlie shuffles along. His head is pounding. Marcus plays quick draw with an Uzi. Sam is busy fellating a large cigar. Okay.

[Charlie Bleecker]

I'm starting To see the appeal of these things.

[Audrey]

Whose idea was to wear suits in the middle of a rainforest?

[Marcus]

Our last day, I thought it'd be nice to class things up.

[Narrator]

Plus, we look super dope. Marcus practices his quick draw.

[Audrey]

Because we are dopes. Shouldn't we at least have safety vets or goggles or something? Oh my God.

[Marcus]

Will you quit worrying? These guys are professionals.

[Narrator]

Ernie and his helper Luis approach. Ernie carries a rifle.

[Sam]

Okay, amigos, today we go through one of the most dangerous places in the world. But out here, ombre man rules. Jess.

[Audrey]

So what are we hunting?

[Sam]

Vaca de la selva. Jungle cow.

[Marcus]

I know, right?

[Narrator]

Trudging through the jungle, Luis holds up a fist for all to stop. He goes to the edge of the treeline and looks in. Something big approaches. We hear snorts. Ernie laughs and shakes his head.

[Sam]

What do you say, Luis? Luis says he finds a ferocious wild gout to shoot. Very, very dangerous.

[Narrator]

Louise makes noises to attract the beast. Snorting, followed by more rustling. Ernie turns to Charlie.

[Sam]

Okay, Charlie, here's your chance.

[Audrey]

What? Me?

[Marcus]

Oh.

[Audrey]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I do not want to shoot a cow.

[Marcus]

Charlie, don't insult them. Kill the fucking cow.

[Audrey]

A que vianes.

[Narrator]

The snorting gets louder. Luis pokes his head into the brush. The beast tears out of the forest. It's definitely not a cow, but a charging 4 ton rhinoceros. The rhino butts Luis and sends him flying. Now it's headed straight towards the guys. Run. Run, you guys run. The rhino butts Ernie out of the way. Sam and Marcus die for cover. Charlie is frozen. Time slows. His heart pounds like a kettle drum. The rhino charges. Charlie takes a deep breath, grips the shaft, slides his finger to the trigger and blammo. The rhino skids to a stop barely a few feet away. Dead. The shot echoes through the trees. Everyone is speechless. A long beat until they erupt. Elated.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Oh my fucking God.

[Audrey]

That was insane.

[Narrator]

Ernie slowly takes the gun out of Charlie's hand.

[Audrey]

What just happened?

[Charlie Bleecker]

Charlie, you saved us.

[Audrey]

Oh, okay then.

[Narrator]

Charlie faints and falls to the ground. Marcus rushes to his side and slaps Charlie to wake him up. Charlie awakens and slaps him back. The hell devolves into an early slap fight. Dude.

[Charlie Bleecker]

What?

[Marcus]

Ouch.

[Audrey]

Okay. You're kidding me.

[Marcus]

All right then.

[Audrey]

Don't you.

[Narrator]

Screw you.

[Audrey]

You stupid.

[Narrator]

Ow. Fuck you. Fuck you.

[Charlie Bleecker]

That guy. I could be wrong, but this doesn't look like a cow.

[Narrator]

They turn their attention to Ernie, approaching the dead beast on Ernie. He cocks his pistol and carefully approaches the carcass.

[Sam]

That's because it's not a cow. Yo mio is a rinoceros.

[Marcus]

You shot a fucking rhinoceros. Oh, that is so baller.

[Narrator]

All three move in for a closer look. Ernie checks his head and confirms it. One clean shot right between the eyes.

[Marcus]

Aw, poor little guy.

[Narrator]

Ernie notices a tag on the rhino's ear and stumbles back. Does the sign of the cross.

[Sam]

Santa Maria Benido de Dios.

[Narrator]

Marcus reads the tag.

[Marcus]

Propriada de Pablo Escobar. Holy shit, dude. Not just any rhino. You just killed Pablo Escobar's rhino.

[Charlie Bleecker]

Is that bad?

[Audrey]

I would say that is in a whole other time zone. From bad.

[Narrator]

End of act one.