The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1

Summary

Podcast Summary: “The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1”

Podcast Information:

• Title: Table Read
• Host/Author: Manifest Media / TABLE READ
• Episode: The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1
• Release Date: December 10, 2024

Overview: In the debut episode of "The Jew Who Saved Christmas," listeners are introduced to Bernie Gold, a disgruntled Spirit Airlines employee navigating the chaotic holiday season in Chicago. Blending humor, cultural nuances, and heartfelt moments, the episode sets the stage for a unique tale where Bernie's actions inadvertently jeopardize Christmas, leading her on a path toward redemption.

Setting the Scene: The episode opens at O'Hare Airport on Christmas Eve, with the bustling atmosphere heightened by festive decorations and holiday music. Bernie Gold is immediately established as the protagonist—a disheveled, indifferent airline employee who couldn't care less about the holiday spirits surrounding her.

Key Characters:

• Bernie Gold: The central character, a Jewish woman working for Spirit Airlines, grappling with personal and professional frustrations.
• Agent Gimbel: A strict TSA agent who becomes Bernie's nemesis, representing the obstacles she faces.
• Eve: Bernie's optimistic and fate-driven coworker, serving as a foil to Bernie's cynicism.
• Benjamin: A quirky friend who provides Bernie with unconventional solutions.
• Fran: Bernie's concerned mother, representing family pressures and expectations.
• Phil: A neighbor obsessed with Christmas traditions, adding to Bernie's holiday dilemmas.

Plot Progression:

1. Introduction to Bernie’s Struggles:

   • Conflict with Agent Gimbel: Early interactions ([02:16]) showcase Bernie’s rebellious nature as she confronts Agent Gimbel about vaping violations, setting up a tense dynamic.

     Agent Gimbel [02:16]: "If I gave a rat's ass about Christmas, I'd say you just gave me a present."

2. Workplace Tensions:

   • Customer Service Challenges: Bernie deals with an irate customer over baggage fees, highlighting her frustration with her job.

     Bernie Gold [03:06]: "I don't make the rules, sir. I just barely get paid to enforce them."

3. Dynamic with Eve:

   • Contrasting Personalities: Bernie and Eve’s interactions ([03:36]–[05:10]) reveal their differing outlooks—Bernie’s cynicism versus Eve’s belief in fate and higher powers.

     Eve [05:08]: "He's my pastor. But he is deeply intuitive. Eve, I'm just saying that clearly, a higher power is guiding me to be your light."

4. Family and Cultural Pressures:

   • Hanukkah Preparations: At home ([07:10]–[17:20]), Bernie organizes a Hanukkah party, balancing Jewish traditions with familial expectations amid humorous mishaps, such as the accidental inclusion of peanut oil leading to allergic reactions.

     Fran [15:09]: "What I'm trying to say is tonight, after refusing my excellent party planning advice and ignoring your sister's offer to cater you still. What I mean is, everything you did was absolutely beyond wow."

5. Neighborly Intrusions:

   • Conflict with Phil and Carol Singers: Bernie’s attempts to celebrate Hanukkah are disrupted by overly enthusiastic Christmas carolers, exacerbating her stress and sense of isolation.

     Bernie Gold [12:29]: "I'm sorry Phil. What can I do you for? We're in the middle of a Hanukkah party."

6. The Turning Point:

   • Encounter with Santa Claus: In a surreal twist ([19:18]–[29:46]), Bernie inadvertently drugges Santa Claus during a late-night baking session, leading to Santa losing his mind and Bernie's desperate attempts to rectify her mistake.

     Bernie Gold [22:19]: "How did you know?" Santa Claus [20:45]: "Oh, Kringle. You're at the wrong house."

7. Cliffhanger Ending:

   • Path to Redemption: Realizing the gravity of her actions, Bernie decides to embark on a mission to save Christmas, setting up anticipation for the next act.

     Bernie Gold [30:18]: "Okay, I'll follow the light. Let's do this. Let's go save Christmas."

Notable Quotes:

• Bernie’s Sarcasm: Reflecting her jaded perspective.

  Bernie Gold [04:05]: "Duh."

• Eve’s Optimism: Contrasting Bernie's demeanor.

  Eve [05:10]: "He's deeply intuitive. Eve, I'm just saying that clearly, a higher power is guiding me to be your light."

• Humorous Tensions:

  Bernie Gold [12:29]: "I'm sorry Phil. What can I do you for? We're in the middle of a Hanukkah party."

Themes and Insights:

• Cultural Identity: The episode explores Bernie’s Jewish heritage juxtaposed against the predominantly Christian Christmas celebrations, highlighting themes of cultural identity and acceptance.

• Redemption and Personal Growth: Bernie’s journey from apathy to taking responsibility for her actions underscores a narrative of personal growth and the quest for redemption.

• Humor Amidst Chaos: The script employs humor to navigate the chaotic holiday season, making light of familial and societal pressures while addressing deeper issues.

Conclusion: “The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 1” sets up a compelling narrative filled with relatable struggles, cultural humor, and a touch of magical realism. Bernie Gold’s character is immediately engaging, and the episode effectively builds suspense and emotional investment, promising an intriguing continuation in subsequent acts.

Quotes with Timestamps:

• Agent Gimbel to Bernie:

  "If I gave a rat's ass about Christmas, I'd say you just gave me a present." ([02:16])

• Bernie Responds to Eve’s Geschenk:

  "You're welcome." ([04:34])

• Bernie’s Realization of Her Mistake:

  "I drugged Santa. I drugged Santa. Oh no. I already ruined Hanukkah. I can't ruin Christmas." ([22:19])

• Bernie’s Decision to Save Christmas:

  "Okay, I'll follow the light. Let's do this. Let's go save Christmas." ([30:18])

This structured and detailed summary captures the essence of Act 1, providing a comprehensive overview for both listeners and non-listeners alike, enriched with key quotes and thematic insights.

Transcript

[Podcast Host 1]

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[Podcast Host 1]

1, 23 Table read the shoe Save.

[Bernie Gold]

Christmas.

[Narrator]

The Jew who Saved Christmas Written by Selina Warren and Marissa Reed Episode 1 Interior O'Hare Airport, Chicago early evening. The airport is bustling with holiday excitement. O'Hare hall is decked out with boughs of Hollywood. Red velvet bows hang festively light up. Turtle doves float below the skylight ceiling where snowflakes dance to carols playing over the loudspeakers. It's Christmas Eve. On the moving walkway we meet our hero, Bernie Gold. The neon lights turn blue and white, creating a halo of Jewish light around our lead. Bernie is a mess. Her Spirit Airlines uniform is untucked and unwashed. With zero fucks to give, Bernie takes a massive hit off her vape as she exhales. Our title slaps the Jew who Saved Christmas. Bernie Introducing the bane of Bernie's existence, Agent Gimbel, a TSA agent who takes his job very seriously. His muscles bulge out of his uniform as he scolds Bernie.

[Agent Gimbel]

If I gave a rat's ass about Christmas, I'd say you just gave me a present.

[Narrator]

Agent Gimbel writes up a formal complaint.

[Agent Gimbel]

Vaping violation code 219. No way you're getting out of this one. Enjoy getting shit kicked.

[Narrator]

Bernie blows her vape smoke directly into his chiseled trap before walking away.

[Agent Gimbel]

I will get you gone, Bernie.

[Narrator]

Interior spirit Airlines counter O'Hare Moments later, Bernie stands behind the check in counter staring blankly at an angry customer. His overweight bag on the scale between them. I'm already paying a fee for choosing my seat, a fee for my backpack, a fee to drink water, and now you want me to pay an extra $25 because my bag is 1 pound overweight.

[Bernie Gold]

I don't make the rules, sir. I just barely get paid to enforce them.

[Narrator]

You can't make an exception. It's £1. Your airline is named Spirit, and it's.

[Bernie Gold]

Christmas Eve or the seventh night of Hanukkah.

[Narrator]

The customer wipes away the spit that landed in his eye. Bernie leans over the counter.

[Bernie Gold]

Tell you what. I'm gonna help you out.

[Narrator]

Yes. Thank you.

[Bernie Gold]

Lose the wine, and no matter the weight, I'll wave the sea.

[Narrator]

Unbelievable. The angry customer digs through his bag and slams the bottle on the counter as he walks away.

[Bernie Gold]

Enjoy Baltimore.

[Narrator]

Bernie turns to Eve, her best friend and festive co worker. Eve's joyous, direct, and is a firm believer of fate. As Eve lugs heavy bags onto the conveyor belt, Bernie gooses her with the bottle of wine.

[Eve]

Don't do that.

[Bernie Gold]

Now I don't have to pick up a bottle for the party tonight. It's a Hanukkah miracle.

[Eve]

I didn't know your kind had those.

[Bernie Gold]

We invented them. Cheers. Bitch.

[Eve]

You just shoved that up my butt and now you're gonna serve it to your family?

[Bernie Gold]

Duh.

[Narrator]

Eve reaches under the counter to grab something.

[Eve]

If your crude ass celebrated my reason for the season, you'd get nothing but coal. But since you don't, I got you a little something for Hanukkah.

[Bernie Gold]

Aw, Eve, you got me a present? Good. Cause I also got you something.

[Narrator]

Bernie reaches under her side of the counter and pulls out more contraband, this time absent.

[Eve]

I saw you compensate that.

[Bernie Gold]

Yeah, for you. You're welcome. Okay, my turn.

[Narrator]

Bernie unwraps her gift, and her face drops when she sees that inside lies a flight attendant application.

[Bernie Gold]

You filled out my application?

[Eve]

You're welcome.

[Bernie Gold]

That's mail fraud.

[Eve]

You've been putting it off. Look, Bea, I still really want to go through training together, but I can't wait any longer. I'm manifesting getting my wings in the new year.

[Bernie Gold]

This was hate mail, not a present.

[Eve]

I know you don't believe in signs, but I printed out my application and two came out.

[Bernie Gold]

See?

[Eve]

Everything happens for a reason.

[Bernie Gold]

Stop quoting your psychic.

[Eve]

He's my pastor. But he is deeply intuitive. Eve, I'm just saying that clearly, a higher power is guiding me to be your light. Follow me. Let me help you.

[Bernie Gold]

Jews don't get saved. And besides, I'm not taking advice from a woman who believes that my choices are dictated by the universe.

[Narrator]

Eve slapsticks A checked luggage tag to Bernie's forehead.

[Bernie Gold]

Ow.

[Eve]

Someone had to check your Ego.

[Bernie Gold]

Did it have to be to Missouri?

[Eve]

Everyone needs help sometimes, Bernie. When are you gonna get a grasp of that?

[Narrator]

Bernie opens her mouth to argue but stops herself thinking.

[Bernie Gold]

Okay, yeah. Yeah, you're right.

[Eve]

I am?

[Bernie Gold]

Yes, I am ready to admit that I need help from you right now.

[Eve]

Actually, Bernie, I'm not covering.

[Bernie Gold]

You can cover for me. I wanna hit up the dispensary before they close. Thank you. You are such a good friend. Merry Christmas Eve Eve Bernie hops over.

[Narrator]

The counter, grabbing her wine.

[Eve]

You are so annoying.

[Bernie Gold]

Save you some soup, Gagnon.

[Eve]

I don't speak Jewish.

[Bernie Gold]

Not a language.

[Narrator]

Bernie exits into the snowy night. Eve looks down at the Left behind application. She shakes her head in disappointment. Exterior Streets of Chicago early evening. Bernie walks down the Magnificent Mile lit up with Christmas windows displays as her AirPods blast the score to Home Alone, interrupting her jovial jam or multiple texts from her family.

[Fran]

Text alert from Mom. Bernie, do you have enough wine? Dad likes dry whites.

[Narrator]

Bernie rolls her eyes.

[Fran]

Text alert from Sister make sure you lock your bedroom. The garage isn't safe for baby Samuel.

[Bernie Gold]

5 isn't a baby, you psychopath.

[Fran]

Text alert from Auntie Orna. Friendly reminder. No peanut emoji. Peanut emoji. Peanut emoji. Text alert from Mom. I pulled out the dining room leaf so you wouldn't scratch it like you did last time.

[Narrator]

Bernie takes out her AirPods and all is silent. She's suddenly calm. Odd for a woman headed down an unlit alley. Bernie puts her keys between her fingers, strolling until she lands under a neon sign reading the Koch Kush. Bernie kisses her fingers before touching a mezuzah which buzzes her in. INTERIOR the Kosh Kush continuous. Bernie heads to the counter and picks up a displayed shofar to the goys out there. It's a ram's horn used to ring in the Jewish New Year. A sign reads Blow me. Bernie follows suit. A long toot rings out. Tequila. Through a beaded curtain enters Benjamin. Benjamin Sports pay us in a man bun. Think Jewish. Dave Matthews.

[Benjamin]

Bernie hags Mayach my dude.

[Narrator]

Benjamin and Bernie secret handshake. Over the counter he slides Bernie a new cartridge for her.

[Benjamin]

Vape on the house for the holiday, broski.

[Bernie Gold]

Thanks Benjamin, but I'll be needing more than this for tonight.

[Benjamin]

That's right. It's your big night. Seven Fiesta.

[Bernie Gold]

First night hosting since 2011.

[Benjamin]

The infamous night for fire. You're a local legend, ya diddy.

[Narrator]

Benjamin points to a framed Chicago Tribune clipping. The headline reads Miracle of Frights. Hanukkah Party gone wrong. Oil Fire burns family home.

[Bernie Gold]

I've asked you to take that down.

[Narrator]

Benjamin shakes his head Never.

[Bernie Gold]

Well that's old news. Because after tonight, my name and Hanukkah won't be associated with fire. Actually it will be but the Gen Z goodkind.

[Benjamin]

Hell yeah, friend. So how can I help you get redemptive fried? You looking for an indica in the couch situation or a pre party pump up?

[Bernie Gold]

Benjamin, I'm not smoking before my party. My family's already taking cash bets on me beefing it. I just want something for after to help me unwind.

[Benjamin]

I got just the thing.

[Narrator]

My man Benjamin ducks below the counter and pops back up with gold wrapped gelt. Bernie inspects the tag Miracle gelt.

[Benjamin]

Just one bite and in one night, eight crazy adventures will ignite.

[Bernie Gold]

I do love a theme.

[Benjamin]

Eight miracles per serving my safta in Israel. Got these eats from some ancient rabbi who's a descendant of the Maccabees. This shit's got salt from the Dead Sea, dates from the West Bank. It's blessed by like four holy beards.

[Bernie Gold]

Yeah, okay, easy on the hard sell. I'm down for audibles. Thanks Ben. Alright, I'm out. Wish me luck.

[Benjamin]

Jews don't believe in luck. Only bucks. 50 actually.

[Bernie Gold]

Yeah, it's still cheaper than therapy. Happy Hanukkah, schmuck.

[Narrator]

As Bernie pays and heads out, a customer blows the shofar in Benjamin's face.

[Benjamin]

I'm right here.

[Narrator]

Interior, Bernie's parents house night. Jewish instrumental drops as we see inserts of Bernie preparing for the party. A blue tablecloth parachutes open. A gleaming menorah is set atop oil bubbles as potato latke batter splatters. Manischewitz flows down a tower of stacked coupes. Dreidels and gelt are spread out on the kiddie table. A Best of Barbara record spins. Jelly is squeezed into donuts. A Star of David necklace is secured over Bernie's throat. Interior, living room later that night, Bernie beams with pride as her family enjoys her party. Looking spiffy in her blue dress, Bernie dances around gracefully offering latkes from a tray she lands at the family gossip.

[Bernie Gold]

Auntie Orna. Vodka.

[Eve]

Bernie, you look gorgeous. Dressing up for someone special or you still single?

[Bernie Gold]

Still single.

[Narrator]

Bernie laughs it off as she continues on.

[Bernie Gold]

Daddy, Zadie, Latke.

[Agent Gimbel]

Bernadette.

[Narrator]

You find your own place yet or you're still freeloading off your parents?

[Bernie Gold]

Still freeloading.

[Narrator]

Bernie continues on the tray, leading her to Uncle Gary, a man who is mostly nose hairs.

[Agent Gimbel]

There she is, my Jewess. Stewardess. Can I finally get A free ticket to Bermuda? Or do you still. Are you.

[Bernie Gold]

What's up?

[Agent Gimbel]

What's up? There she is. My Jewess stewardess. Can I finally get a free ticket to Bermuda or are you still just a check in girl?

[Narrator]

Bernie opens her mouth to reply, but her very pregnant and uptight older sister Rami answers for her.

[Fran]

Still just a check in girl. She's afraid of flying and wants to be a flight attendant. I actually think the poetic stupidity sums up Bernie to a T. Uncle Gary.

[Narrator]

Stares blankly at Bernie. There's an awkward beat.

[Bernie Gold]

Gary, did you know Rami is a lawyer? Isn't that impressive? She helps end marriages. What a hero. Rami, tell Gary about your cases in placenta.

[Narrator]

A knock on the door saves the day. Bernie answers, revealing carol singers. Bernie's neighbors, dressed in yuletide, immediately burst into song.

[Bernie Gold]

Hi Phil, we're actually in the middle of.

[Phil]

Can you just stop singing for one?

[Bernie Gold]

How long is this song? You know what? I don't have time to shut the fuck up.

[Narrator]

Bernie's scream makes the carol singers abruptly stop. Phil, Bernie's Ned Flandery's neighbor, rests his hands on his Von Trapp looking son's shoulders.

[Bernie Gold]

I'm sorry Phil. What can I do you for? We're in the middle of a Hanukkah party.

[Benjamin]

Sorry to intrude, Bernie. We do know you're Jewish.

[Narrator]

Why?

[Bernie Gold]

Quotations.

[Benjamin]

But we wanted to include you in the Christmas fun.

[Bernie Gold]

How neighborly. But it is I that should include you. Why don't you join in on our Hanukkah fun?

[Narrator]

Phil's toe headed child grabs his dad in fear.

[Bernie Gold]

Dad, no.

[Phil]

If we go in there, Santa will.

[Bernie Gold]

Think I'm Jewish, he'll skip our house.

[Phil]

And I won't get my Nintendo Switch.

[Benjamin]

Maybe next time Bernie. It's not like Hanukkah has a shortage of nights. And yet y'all still picked Christmas Eve to celebrate. Well, okay, we're off to finish the rounds.

[Bernie Gold]

Spread the cheer, convert the masses.

[Eve]

Pardon?

[Bernie Gold]

Merry Christmas, Phil. Area neighbors.

[Narrator]

They start to sing Merry did you know? As Bernie slams the door in their faces. Interior living room later the family is gathered around as Bernie lights the menorah. Everyone sings the prayer Aton Elena Meleth Halam. I share Yiddishanu Bamitz Bata Visit.

[Bernie Gold]

This.

[Podcast Host 1]

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[Podcast Host 1]

Do you want to do that again?

[Narrator]

Why?

[Bernie Gold]

I thought it was perfect.

[Agent Gimbel]

Keep going, says our fake junior.

[Narrator]

Everyone claps and celebrates. Bernie's mother, Fran pinches Bernie's arm.

[Fran]

Hey kid. You did good. Real good.

[Bernie Gold]

Thanks Mom.

[Fran]

I mean, I have to be honest, I was worried. I was not confident that this would be such a success. I upped our insurance policy. The addition's barely a decade old. Yeah, that's nice moment, but you're really growing up. I. I know a lot of millennials had to move back in with their parents. I mean, not your sister. But you did. You were always a little behind.

[Bernie Gold]

Mom, you were complimenting me, I think.

[Fran]

Right, Sorry. What I'm trying to say is tonight, after refusing my excellent party planning advice and ignoring your sister's offer to cater you still. What I mean is, everything you did was absolutely beyond wow.

[Bernie Gold]

You can't let me have one compliment.

[Narrator]

Without But Rami's not the only one clearing her throat. Bernie looks around as her family erupts into hacking fits, hives, itchy palms and swollen faces.

[Fran]

Bernie, Bernie.

[Bernie Gold]

Nothing had peanuts, right, Mom? No, I know everyone's allergic. I'm not an idiot.

[Narrator]

Fran takes off into the interior kitchen continuous. She opens cabinets, drawers and bags as Bernie shadows her.

[Bernie Gold]

Mom, you're stressing out for no reason. Sure, our family may be a little congested, but it could be anything.

[Narrator]

Fran continues to search for the source. Bernie follows her, making her case.

[Bernie Gold]

I would not have done something so careless. I over prepared for tonight that, by the way, you were just complimenting me on so we could sit here and spend our night searching for a phantom peanut that does not exist. Or you could let me finish throwing the best Hanukkah party this family has ever seen.

[Narrator]

Fran turns around slowly, lips now straight out of Kylie's syringe. She is holding up a huge tub of Arrakis oil.

[Bernie Gold]

What? That's Not. That's not peanut oil. I splurged for the fancy stuff. It was like seven extra dollars.

[Narrator]

Irish oil is peanut oil alone. Fran and Bernie re enter the interior living room. Continuous.

[Phil]

We gotta go to the ER. David, start the car.

[Narrator]

Get the EpiPen. They see everyone shuffling out. Bernie grabs her coat and is almost out the door when her sister stops her.

[Bernie Gold]

No, you've done enough.

[Narrator]

Bernie is left behind, watching her family load into their car as they try not to die. Interior, Bernie's bedroom, converted garage. Hours later. Now in her PJs, a giant Hanukkah hoodie and tighty whities, Bernie lies in bed watching tv. A Christmas commercial where a gooey chocolate chip cookie is pulled apart makes Bernie perk up.

[Eve]

Nest.

[Bernie Gold]

Sexiest commercial I've ever heard. Sexual.

[Narrator]

I don't want to cook.

[Eve]

I tried. Okay, wait. Nestle. The only cookie suitable for Santa.

[Bernie Gold]

Fuck yeah.

[Narrator]

Bernie is covered in flour dough as she mixes cookie dough and searches the cupboard.

[Bernie Gold]

Chocolate chips. Chocolate chips.

[Narrator]

Not finding the goods, Bernie thinks, and then spots the kitty gelt on the table. Light bulb moment.

[Bernie Gold]

Oh, yeah.

[Narrator]

Miracle gelt smash two. Edgar Wright style. Inserts an underwear drawer flies open. Miracle gelt is snatched. A chocolate coin is smashed with a meat tenderizer. Cookie dough is spooned onto a sheet and shoved in an oven. A window flies open. Bernie fans out potent smoke. Ding. Cookies are ready. Interior living room Later. Bernie plops onto the couch holding a plate of edible chocolate chip cookies. She grabs one and immediately burns her finger.

[Bernie Gold]

Ouch. Patience. Practice patience.

[Narrator]

She sets the cookies aside and clicks on the tv. Adam Sandler's eight Crazy Nights starts.

[Bernie Gold]

Ugh. Is this all we get?

[Narrator]

Bernie yawns and rubs her eyes. Seconds later, she's fully conked out, mouth open, drooling. Time lapse, breaking. The sound of white noise and snores is an eerie creaking, not coming from doors. Scuffling and sleigh bells are heard from the roof. The clatter continues till we see the proof. Soot wafts out of the fireplace and we introduce Santa in all of his grace. He has the perfect Coca Cola claws, jolly red circular cheeks, tiny gold frames that sit on the tip of his button nose, and the kindest blue eyes you've ever seen. Santa puts down his big red bag and spots the cookies. Mmm. He makes a beeline for the baked goods and takes a bite. But as he chomps, he notices that something isn't kosher. Or rather, it is. His eyes snap to a menorah. A dreidel manischevas latkes, unwrapped socks, a black Amex, and finally, Bernie, who is now wide awake. Santa stares back at her in confusion until his list magically flies up. It smacks him on the hand, unscrolls and floats before him. As Santa inspects the list, he sees the check twice. Boxes empty. He shakes his head and gives a belly laugh.

[Agent Gimbel]

Always check twice.

[Narrator]

Bernie, frozen on the other side of the couch, tries to reason with herself.

[Bernie Gold]

I'm dreaming.

[Narrator]

Santa inspects his list further.

[Agent Gimbel]

Oh, Kringle. You're at the wrong house.

[Bernie Gold]

I'm stoned.

[Agent Gimbel]

Better get this Nintendo next door toot sweet.

[Bernie Gold]

But I didn't have a cookie.

[Narrator]

She notices the half bitten cookie, Did I? She did not. But Santa did. It's about to go up the chimney when that shit hits. We smash zoom into Santa's eye and go on a galactic journey through candy cane fields and snowflakes galore. The snowflakes take the form of stars of David, A menorah rushes to the forefront, and a lone hand lights the first candle. Benjamin's floating head appears.

[Benjamin]

Miracle 1. Go F and get fried.

[Narrator]

We are sucked out of Santa's eye. He's a frozen statue, unable to speak or move.

[Bernie Gold]

Excuse me. Hello?

[Narrator]

Mr. Santa's stoic. Bernie grabs a cheese knife from a nearby charcuterie and points it at Santa.

[Bernie Gold]

Listen man, I don't know if you're like a John Wayne Gacy stepped instead of clowns. You do like a Santa thing. But my finger is on my Lady Walk app and if you don't leave, I'll release it and cops will be here pronto.

[Narrator]

Santa has no reaction. Bernie stares at him nervously until Santa's scroll begins to glow and vibrate.

[Bernie Gold]

What the.

[Narrator]

The list magically presents itself to Bernie. She sees etch a sketched images of her neighbor Phil's Von Trapp's son unwrapping a Nintendo Switch. A flashing title reads undelivered Nintendo Switch.

[Bernie Gold]

How did you know?

[Narrator]

An error sign flashes reading Wrong house Jew. The list magically scrolls up and flies back to Santa burrowing into his jacket.

[Bernie Gold]

Holy fuck. He's real. You're real. It's true. It's all true. It's beautiful. Oh my God. You're Santa.

[Narrator]

Bernie notices the cookie crumbs in Santa's beard and remembers he ate the edible.

[Bernie Gold]

I drugged Santa. I drugged Santa. Oh no. I already ruined Hanukkah. I can't ruin Christmas. I'm a Jewish Grinch. Okay, okay. He's just a little stoned. What do I do when I'm too fried. Snacks.

[Narrator]

Bernie picks up some brie and runs over to him.

[Bernie Gold]

Cheese, Mr. Claus.

[Narrator]

She tries to feed him, but it falls to the floor.

[Bernie Gold]

Too stone to eat. Been there. Okay, no problem. Cold water.

[Narrator]

Bernie rushes to the fridge and fills up a glass of ice water. But when she tries to make Santa drink, it slops down his mouth.

[Bernie Gold]

Come on, Santa, work with me here.

[Narrator]

She dips her fingers into the water and splashes them repeatedly. Nothing. A gust of wind. Howl.

[Bernie Gold]

Fresh air. Yeah. Always sobers me up. Okay, so how do you.

[Narrator]

Bernie gestures to the chimney.

[Bernie Gold]

Front door. Front door is good.

[Narrator]

Time. Jump. Santa's arms are now draped over Bernie's shoulders as she attempts to drag him to the door.

[Bernie Gold]

Almost there. Okay, I can do it. No, no. I need a break. Okay, let's just rest for a minute.

[Narrator]

Bernie props Santa upright. He balances for a moment until he slowly falls backwards and breaks the coffee table. Glass shatters and food flies.

[Bernie Gold]

I killed Santa.

[Narrator]

Santa's eyes squint open. He smiles, feeling fine.

[Bernie Gold]

Oh, thank God. Good sign. Good sign.

[Narrator]

Bernie tugs on Santa's hands, trying to get him up.

[Bernie Gold]

Come on. A little wind on your face and you'll be right. It's rain. To deliver happiness to the youth of the world. And I will in no way have hindered it.

[Narrator]

Bernie grabs Santa's belt to hoist him up and notices the buckle is actually a button.

[Bernie Gold]

Reading push feels unspecific.

[Narrator]

Bernie pushes the button. Suddenly, a magnetic force begins to suck Santa towards the chimney. Bernie, tangled up with Santa becomes Christmas cocktail. Bernie tangled up with Santa becomes Christmas roadkill. She flies backwards. She hits her head on the ground. She's dragged getting third degree rug burns. Bernie claws at the rug, but it's no use. The rug goes with. In a last ditch effort to save her skin, Bernie throws her arms out, stopping herself at the base of the chimney. After a brief moment of resignation, Bernie looks straight into the barrel for our first oi. Bernie gets sucked up the chimney bricks and soup explodes, destroying the living room exterior roof. Seconds later, Santa and Bernie are shot out of the chimney onto the snowy roof. Bernie lands face down, ass up, looking like a Jewish schmuck. Santa has landed perfectly in the sleigh. Bernie gets up and takes in the sleigh's majestic glory. She runs her fingers along the cranberry paint and velvety upholstery. She travels down the range to nine noble reindeer. Bernie's smile is ear to ear. This is real life. Magic.

[Bernie Gold]

Wow. This is. I can't believe it. It's A freaking fairy tale. You truly fly around and make the world a better place by spreading pure Christmas cheer.

[Narrator]

Bernie realizes Santa has passed out asleep. Drool city, right?

[Bernie Gold]

I weed roofied Santa.

[Narrator]

Bernie attempts to wake him, but he's out cold. She takes a deep breath, climbs into the sleigh and leans her head on his shoulders.

[Bernie Gold]

Father Christmas, your majesty. I don't want to be the person who makes it all about themselves, but I will not come back from this. Jews specialize in guilt. And if my drug habit single handedly takes down Christmas, it will be bleak for me. Okay, it will be rough.

[Narrator]

Bernie turns to Santa's cheek, desperately whispering so close to his face.

[Bernie Gold]

Anti Semitism, all time high right now. Jews don't have hella fans in the best of times. So it cannot be my fault that Christmas doesn't happen. Santa, wake up. Come on, Santa, handle your shit.

[Narrator]

Bernie has taken Santa's lifeless arms and is waving them in the air from the streets below. Bernie's neighbor Phil and his Von Trapp son are walking home from caroling. They spot Bernie from afar with Santa and assume.

[Benjamin]

Look at that. No more dark house on the block. So glad you're finally decorating and getting into the spirit.

[Narrator]

Back on the roof, the sleigh's radio turns on and elf's voice comes through.

[Phil]

Santa, you sure are taking your tinsel time getting to those orphans in Indiana. Is everything plum pudding over there?

[Bernie Gold]

Orphans?

[Narrator]

She grabs the radio.

[Bernie Gold]

Uh, hello. Hi, this is my. My name is Bernie Gold and there's a slight situation here with the Saint. The Saint Nick with Santa.

[Narrator]

An interruption of elves comes through the radio.

[Bernie Gold]

A situation.

[Eve]

Geez ego, put Santa on.

[Bernie Gold]

Santa is asleep.

[Narrator]

He never sleep.

[Eve]

He's a Christmas vampire.

[Bernie Gold]

Santa went to the wrong house. My house. And some stuff went down. And now he's basically not good to go.

[Phil]

You ruined Crescent.

[Narrator]

What did you do to Sandra? You will be remembered for only this.

[Bernie Gold]

No, no, no. It's not ruined. I didn't ruin. I can help. I can fix it. He's not good to go. But I'm good to go. Just tell me how to.

[Phil]

You've done enough.

[Bernie Gold]

Okay.

[Narrator]

Having deja vu, the head elf Sotnik takes over.

[Phil]

Just turn the sleigh onto autopilot and bring Santa back to the North Pole.

[Bernie Gold]

I can do that. Where is autopilot?

[Narrator]

Bernie looks at the dashboard, which is old school meters and dials galore with confusing symbols.

[Phil]

Quit scroogein around St. Nick's on a strict schedule. We've already lost Indiana and who knows how long It'll take to get Santa feeling pine once he's here. Christmas may be lost for some, but not all. If you move your fat Christmas ham.

[Bernie Gold]

Okay, okay. Feels like you spend a lot of time yelling at me and you could have just told me where to look.

[Phil]

Find it.

[Bernie Gold]

Okay, okay. I'm sorry. This is not a normal situation. Wait, wait. I think I found it.

[Narrator]

Bernie spots a hidden lever under the dash with a symbol that looks like Santa on a roller coaster. Bernie's hand hovers over the lever thinking.

[Bernie Gold]

So should I come with to make sure that he's.

[Phil]

No, that would make no frankincense. This is clearly your fault because before you, Bernie Gold, Santa never went silent night on the job. You clearly bring bad tidings.

[Narrator]

Bernie, a nerve struck sits back from the lever.

[Phil]

You better turn the fudging autopilot on right now.

[Narrator]

Bernie flips off the radio and has an epiphany.

[Bernie Gold]

Holy shit. This is one of Eve's signs. Everything happens for a reason. I'm not buying that. On the night I ruined my holiday, you show up just so I can ruin yours. That's like two on the nose.

[Narrator]

Bernie turns to an asleep Santa as she continues to hunt down her theory.

[Bernie Gold]

I don't think you came to my house by accident. You're Santa. Your whole thing is believing in people. I think. I don't actually know. I grew up on John Lovitz, not Rudolph. But maybe you're here because no one in my life believes in Bernie. Gets some moxie, but they're wrong, aren't they, Santa? All right, I'm gonna try. I could pull this off. I mean, I can't let a bunch of Indiana orphans wake up disappointed because of me. I'm not going down in history as a worse Jew than not in Yahoo.

[Narrator]

Bernie grabs Santa's lifeless hand.

[Bernie Gold]

Okay, I'll follow the light. Let's do this. Let's go save Christmas.

[Narrator]

End of episode one.

[Bernie Gold]

Mary, did you know that you're the baby boy?

[Fran]

Text alert from Mom. I pulled out the dining room leaf so you wouldn't scratch it like you did last time.

[Eve]

That was so good.

[Narrator]

Incredible.

[Bernie Gold]

I do love those jobs.

[Narrator]

That's incredible.

[Bernie Gold]

Wow.

[Narrator]

I'm so used to it. She sounds that way all the time.

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