The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Table Read" - Episode: The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 2

Release Date: December 17, 2024
Host/Author: Manifest Media / TABLE READ

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Introduction

In the second act of "The Jew Who Saved Christmas," the narrative intensifies as Bernie Gold, a Spirit Airlines liaison grappling with her Jewish identity and lack of Christmas spirit, becomes entangled in a chaotic adventure alongside a high-spirited Santa Claus. This episode masterfully blends humor, drama, and fantastical elements to explore themes of belief, cultural identity, and redemption.

Setting the Stage

The episode picks up where Act 1 left off at O'Hare Airport. Bernie inadvertently becomes the designated driver for Santa Claus after a mix-up involving special chocolate chip cookies laced with kosher cannabis. This partnership sets the stage for a series of unexpected and miraculous events.

Key Plot Developments

1. O'Hare Airport Escapade ([03:00] - [08:06])

   • Santa's Predicament: Santa Claus, portrayed with a humorous twist sporting a "Wisconsin Dell's" bucket hat and sunglasses, begrudgingly accepts Bernie's assistance to reach an orphanage in Indiana. As they navigate through the airport, Santa's determination contrasts sharply with Bernie's skepticism.
   • Unexpected Challenges: Bernie's attempts to manage Santa are complicated by flight logistics and Santa's erratic behavior. Notably, Santa expresses a desire to prove himself despite his fear of flying:

     Santa: "I have a point to prove and Ativan to take and no time to explain." ([04:03])

2. In-Flight Turmoil ([07:27] - [14:27])

   • Miraculous Interventions: As the plane taxis, Santa's eyes begin to glow, signaling the onset of miraculous events. A surreal sequence ensues, illustrating the "Miracles" triggered by Santa’s presence.
   • Confrontation with Authority: Upon landing, Santa's unconventional behavior leads to a dramatic confrontation with Agent Gimble, resulting in Santa revealing his true identity and ensuing chaos aboard the airplane. A pivotal moment occurs when Santa defiantly asserts his reality:

     Santa: "He's not claiming to be Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus." ([11:37])

3. Emergency at Indiana Orphanage ([16:19] - [25:26])

   • Delivering Presents with a Twist: Arriving at the orphanage, Bernie and Santa face skepticism from the children, who perceive Santa differently based on their beliefs and experiences. This scene highlights the subjective nature of belief:

     Santa: "I think Santa might appear different to everyone. What Santa looks like to depends on how you see him." ([19:21])

   • Emotional Resolution: Bernie interacts with Jeannie, a child struggling with her parents' divorce. Through heartfelt dialogue, Santa encourages Jeannie to understand that her parents' happiness is paramount, fostering a moment of emotional connection and growth for Bernie.

     Santa: "It's clear that your parents love you big time. A divorce won't change that. So what do you say?" ([25:01])

4. Climactic Confrontations and Transformation ([26:41] - [28:17])

   • Temperature Challenges: Santa and Bernie navigate unforeseen challenges, including extreme temperatures, which add a layer of physical comedy and tension to their journey.
   • Final Deliveries: The episode culminates with Bernie successfully delivering presents amidst the stylish chaos of a TikTok-themed house, blending modern culture with traditional Christmas motifs.

Character Development

• Bernie Gold: Throughout Act 2, Bernie evolves from a cynical, disillusioned airline liaison to a more compassionate and open-hearted individual. Her interactions with Santa and the children at the orphanage reveal her capacity for empathy and personal growth.

• Santa Claus: Depicted with a mix of traditional and unconventional traits, Santa's character oscillates between authoritative and relatable. His interactions challenge Bernie's perceptions and ultimately lead to mutual understanding and cooperation.

Notable Quotes and Moments

• Santa's Assertion of Reality:

  Santa: "He's not claiming to be Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus." ([11:37])

• Subjectivity of Belief:

  Santa: "I think Santa might appear different to everyone. What Santa looks like to depends on how you see him." ([19:21])

• Emotional Guidance to Jeannie:

  Santa: "It's clear that your parents love you big time. A divorce won't change that. So what do you say?" ([25:01])

• Bernie's Transformation:

  Bernie: "Mommy. About Santa. You were right. I'm so sorry." ([16:19])

Themes and Insights

• Belief and Perception: The episode delves into how personal beliefs shape our perceptions of legendary figures like Santa Claus. It suggests that belief is not monolithic but varies greatly among individuals, influenced by personal experiences and cultural backgrounds.

• Cultural Identity and Acceptance: Bernie's Jewish identity juxtaposed with the Christmas-centric narrative highlights the importance of cultural diversity and acceptance. Her journey reflects a broader commentary on finding one's place amidst differing traditions.

• Redemption and Personal Growth: Both Bernie and Santa experience transformative arcs, emphasizing themes of redemption, forgiveness, and the capacity for change. Bernie's initial cynicism gives way to a more hopeful and understanding outlook by the episode's end.

Conclusion

Act 2 of "The Jew Who Saved Christmas" offers a compelling blend of humor, heart, and magical realism. Through Bernie and Santa's tumultuous journey, the episode explores deep-seated themes of belief, identity, and redemption, all while delivering an engaging and entertaining narrative. The intricate dialogue and character interactions provide listeners with both laughs and poignant moments, solidifying the episode's place as a standout installment in the Table Read series.

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Additional Resources:

• Download Scripts & Cast Info: Table Read Podcast
• Manifest Media Productions: Manifest Media
• Contact: [e-mail]

Transcript

[Taylor]

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[Bernie]

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[Taylor]

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[Bernie]

Did you eat one of Bernie's special cookies and forget what happened in the first episode? Well, Santa doesn't blame you. I wasn't all there that night either. Our story began at O'Hare Airport where we met Bernie Gold, a Spirit Hairline's liaison with no Christmas spirit. And not just because she's Jewish. After ruining her family's Hanukkah party, Bernie tries to down her sorrows by whipping up Santa's all time favorite chocolate chip cookies. Only Bernie added a naughty ingredient, a rare strain of kosher cannabis. And when I accidentally landed at the wrong house, Bernie's house. Well, I thought those cookies were a gift for old St. Nick. Well, let's just say Santa got higher than the North Pole as I was thrust into the first of eight Jewish themed stoner miracles. Bernie had no choice but to step up and become my first designated driver or be forever known as the Jew who ruined Christmas.

[Taylor]

Episode 2 Interior O'Hare Airport later that night, an asleep Santa sporting a Wisconsin Dell's bucket, hat and sunglasses is haphazardly strung over a baggage cart being pushed by Bernie.

[Santa]

Yeah, sorry I had a weekend at Bernie's your ass. But there was no way I was getting in that sleigh.

[Taylor]

Eve looks on in confusion as Bernie wheels Santa to the Spirit Airlines counter. Bernie hops over and goes nuts on the computer. Eve looks back and forth from Bernie to man in red.

[Santa]

I have questions. No time, Eve. Gotta be a hero. Is your party over?

[Taylor]

How did it go? Bernie types vigorously. Eve looks at Bernie's screen.

[Santa]

Indiana?

[Taylor]

What's in Indiana?

[Santa]

An orphanage. Eve.

[Taylor]

Two tickets. You're getting on a plane. Standby doesn't let you do first class.

[Santa]

Damn it.

[Taylor]

Bernie backspaces aggressively. What is going on? Who is this man? Is this your uncle or something?

[Santa]

Yeah, that's good. Let's go with that.

[Taylor]

What happened to your crippling fear of flying heights? And the first final destination.

[Santa]

Eve, I've got a point to prove and Ativan to take and no time to explain.

[Taylor]

Bernie grabs her tickets and wheels Santa to its security. Interior boarding tunnel Later, Bernie struggles to figure out the brakes on Santa's wheelchair. She kicks the chair multiple times, making out cold. Santa jerk back and forth. She bends down to nonchalantly whisper into his ear.

[Santa]

Okay Papa Noel, we got through security with minor hiccups. Thank you Dave. And now we just need a board. Take off in a man made steel tube of circulated farts and defy gravity without understanding how easy.

[Taylor]

Bernie's cell rings. Not thinking, she picks it up. Intercut with Interior Northwestern Hospital. Simultaneously Rami paces in front of the vending machine rubbing her prego belly annoyingly.

[Santa]

Hello? Yes? What? Why are you yelling? I'm surprised you're even awake. Thought you'd for sure have smoked yourself into a pot coma. Funny you should say that. Why is that funny? You haven't even asked how anyone is. Right, the peanut thing. How is everyone? Not great. Mom went into anaphylactic shock and is on an epinephrine drip. Oh my God. Is she gonna be okay? Yes. Don't be so dramatic. Anyway, I'm calling because I'm feeling much better. Even pregnant, my immune system is robust.

[Taylor]

Bernie rolls her eyes.

[Santa]

I'm gonna convince the doctor to release me so I can head back early and clean up the party. I assume you Haven't. And mom doesn't need any more stress.

[Taylor]

No. Everyone in the tunnel stares at Bernie, who just screamed.

[Santa]

I mean, no. You need a rest. Take care of my little niece in there. Nephew, you're mom's favorite, so she'll want you by her side. I promise the house will be clean by the time you guys get home. What do you think? And that'll be? Hopefully by morning. I. I hate that Samuel has to spend the night here. So go be with him And Mom. I got the house really wrong. I promise. Okay. But to be frank, everyone is at their wit's ends with you. Mom and dad are getting older. They can't handle the drama if they come home to a mess. I don't know how much longer you'll be welcome. Oh, that's the nurse. I gotta go. Hi.

[Taylor]

Bernie startles when she notices a bundled boy staring at gold pixie dust swirling out of Santa's open mouth every time he snores.

[Santa]

Is. Is that Santa? Yes.

[Taylor]

The line starts to move as everyone boards the plane. Interior. Spirit airplane later. Bernie finishes buckling a snooze Santa into his seat. A flight attendant approaches.

[Santa]

Oh, your grandpa. I wish my life would have been way cooler. Can I have the alcohol? Vodka? Gin? Yes. That'll be $40. Water will be fine. Still 40. Please go.

[Taylor]

Bernie pops open her Ativan bottle. The doors shut loudly. Bernie coolly adjusts her position.

[Santa]

Okay, here we go. It's happening.

[Taylor]

As the plane starts to taxi, Bernie grabs Santa's hand. She shuts her eyes tight.

[Santa]

Real talk, Nicholas. I wish I was the one high right now. I know you're going through eight crazy nights in one or whatever Benjamin said, but I could really use some catatonic right now.

[Taylor]

As Bernie continues to mumble to herself, Santa's eyes bust open. Smash. Zoom into Santa's peeper. We enter his eye and dive through a stocking to emerge in a boiling pot of oil. A menorah's second candle gets lit and Benjamin's floating head appears.

[Bernie]

Miracle 2 Become a Dreidel and spin out.

[Taylor]

We are sucked out of Santa's iris. His eyes are now vibrating. Bernie feels Santa shaking.

[Santa]

Uh oh.

[Bernie]

Santa, get me outta here.

[Santa]

Miracle two. Miracle two.

[Taylor]

Santa tries to get out of his seat. He flings around, not understanding. He's restrained by his seatbelt. He uses the Santa's strength to rip through. He stands up a buckle. Flight attendant leans out.

[Bernie]

Sir, we're still taxiing. The seatbelt light is on. What is this? Why am I here? Who are you people?

[Taylor]

Santa Bangs on the window. A passenger doesn't like what's happening. Take it easy, buddy.

[Bernie]

Sit down.

[Taylor]

Bernie grabs Santa's leg.

[Santa]

Santa, sit down. You are about to be tackled by patriots. And then Christmas will be really wrecked.

[Bernie]

Christmas is Christmas Today. Is today Christmas? Oh, I have so much to do.

[Taylor]

Santa takes off down the aisle towards the emergency door.

[Santa]

Not good.

[Taylor]

Bernie chases after him. Heroic passengers try to restrain him, but Santa's shifty. A bald air marshal enters the aisle. He whips out his badge.

[Bernie]

Sir, I am an air marshal.

[Taylor]

You need to sit down. Bernie struggles to get through the looky loos to reach Santa.

[Santa]

Oh, no. Please, please. He's got dementia. He doesn't mean any harm.

[Bernie]

Ma'am, do not get involved or you'll.

[Taylor]

Be in violation too.

[Bernie]

I will take you both down.

[Taylor]

Santa reaches into his coat. The passengers gasp. He pulls out a toupee. The air marshal's eyes widen.

[Bernie]

Oh, Kevin Garrighty. Nice list. Since 1986. Monofilament toupee. Number one on your Christmas list. Let me out. I didn't ask for that. Take it. It's yours.

[Taylor]

How did you know that it was.

[Bernie]

Get me off this plane.

[Taylor]

Smash two. Interior, TSA interrogation room later. Bernie sits across from Agent Gimble. She's glancing towards a two way mirror. Intercut with interior. Behind the mirror. Same where Santa is being strip searched by police. They pull endless Christmas fun from his person. Back in interrogation room, Agent Gimble smacks the table to get Bernie's attention.

[Bernie]

Hey, I say. I was surprised to see you here, but I'm not a little girl and you're not a jack in the box. You're predictable. I knew you'd end up right here in front of me, cuffed.

[Santa]

Gimbal, I need you to be not yourself right now, okay? This is an emergency.

[Bernie]

You bet your ass it's an emergency. You just committed a Title 49 felony. You're toast, Bernice.

[Santa]

Yeah, my name's short for Bernadette, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that you help me get the man you're holding to Indiana from holding.

[Taylor]

The police have just pulled a candy cane from Santa's nethers. They are horrified. Agent Gimble kicks his feet up on the table.

[Bernie]

Why is it that a woman who's never used her airline's benefits, suddenly on.

[Santa]

Christmas Eve, seventh night of Hanukkah, wants.

[Bernie]

To travel to Fort Wayne, Indiana, with a man claiming to be Santa Claus?

[Taylor]

Agent Gimble tosses an ID towards Bernie. She looks down and takes in Santa's driver's license. It reads Nicholas Claus, North Pole O3, 15, 270 A.D. bernie takes a deep breath. She's exhausted.

[Bernie]

False identification. Another charge to be leveled.

[Santa]

He's not claiming to be Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

[Bernie]

No, he isn't.

[Santa]

The ID's real.

[Bernie]

That's impossible.

[Santa]

He's real. All of it is real.

[Taylor]

Gimble slaps the table.

[Bernie]

Santa is not real, okay? He's not. Christmas is about Christ, not some mythical pervert pulling peonies once a year. No respectable adult lets their kid believe and believe and believe. And then they're in college and they still believe in infantiles.

[Santa]

Help me do that work.

[Bernie]

Thank you. Yes. God damn it, I knew that. And then they're in college and they still believe and it infantilizes and emasculates them till there's nothing left.

[Santa]

Really specific.

[Bernie]

Well, I don't make nice sweaters. Cause I'm not a sheep and I won't be fooled twice. Now you're gonna go and tell me the truth or I'm gonna make you wish. That yarn you're spinning is long enough.

[Taylor]

To hang yourself with from holding. Santa's hands are pressed against the two way mirror. The strip search gets personal and makes Santa's eyes string open. We smash zoom into Santa's eyeball busting through day 25 on an advent calendar instead of chocolate is the golden hand of hamza. A menorah's third candle gets lit and Benjamin's floating head appears. Miracle 3.

[Bernie]

Channel the Maccabees and fight for your lives.

[Taylor]

We are sucked out of Santa's iris and now his eyes are glowing red. Santa slowly turns around. All energy spinning out is now replaced with pure rage. The policemen take a terrified step back. Santa beats the ever loving shit out of him. Gimble, unaware of what's happening on the other side of the mirror, finishes his speech.

[Bernie]

Bite the bullshit, Bernie, because I'm not saying this again. Santa is. That's not real.

[Taylor]

On cue, Santa headbutts the window and smashes it to smithereens. Bernie screams and covers herself from the glass shower. The blow forces Gimble to the floor. Gimble grabs his radio.

[Bernie]

We've got a 32 PC. We're gonna need backup. Officer down.

[Taylor]

Agent Gimble grabs his taser and aims. He shoots at Santa's private party.

[Bernie]

Bingo. You melted my snowballs.

[Taylor]

Santa reaches into his pants and pulls out an icy snowball. It's huge. He launches the ball at Gimbal. Upon impact, Gimbal spits teeth and goes down. Bernie's eyes widen in Fear. As Santa turns his attention to her, she scoots backwards in terror.

[Santa]

Look, Santa, I can explain. I was. I was just trying to help. I swear to God. Please, please don't.

[Taylor]

Bernie flinches and then realizes Santa has reached his hand out to her as if to help her up.

[Santa]

I'm gonna take your hand now. Please don't dislocate my shoulder.

[Taylor]

Santa yanks Bernie up like a rag doll. As he presses his belt buckle that is blinking red and green. The two are shot up through the ceiling. Exterior O'Hare Airport. Moments later, on the roof of the airport, faraway screams are accompanied by the sound of drywall behind being busted through. Bernie and Santa emerge through the roof. Shingles, glass and dust fly everywhere. Bernie is covered in the powder as Santa's eyes glow red through his dirt covered face. As Santa and Bernie fly through the air, they suddenly drop. They're about to crash into pavement. When Santa and Bernie land perfectly inside Santa's sleigh, the reindeer trot in place. Bernie startles as a giant commercial airplane passes them to take off. She opens her eyes and realizes they're on the Runway. Bernie looks at Santa who is still in Maccabee mode.

[Santa]

Benjamin what the fuck did you sell me?

[Taylor]

Santa smiles with clenched teeth and prompts the reindeer.

[Bernie]

On Dasher, On Dancer. On Prancer and Vixen. On Comet. On Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.

[Taylor]

The reindeer turn around to look at Santa and see his evil form. And they turn back around and use the tarmac to take flight. Bernie holds on for dear life. Through the hole in the roof. Through the hole in the roof, we see Agent Gimble gain consciousness right in time to see the sleigh fly by. In shock, Gimble grabs his cell phone and dials.

[Bernie]

Mommy. About Santa. You were right. I'm so sorry.

[Taylor]

Exterior Rooftop Orphanage, Indiana. Later that night. The sleigh lands atop the roof with a thud. Bernie opens the gate door, falls to her knees and vomits. Santa grabs the list and presents before marching to the chimney like a possessed zombie.

[Santa]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, big guy. You can't go in there like that.

[Taylor]

Santa tilts his head like a confused dog.

[Santa]

You will scare the shit out of the children. They're orphans. They've been through enough.

[Taylor]

Santa turns to the reindeer and growls. Donner growls back.

[Santa]

Yeah, okay, case in point. I'll fill in.

[Taylor]

How do I. Bernie gestures to the chimney. Santa takes off his hat and hands it to her.

[Santa]

You gonna be good up here?

[Bernie]

I'll keep watch for Greeks.

[Santa]

Is that a Hanukkah thing. You know what? No time.

[Taylor]

Bernie looks down the chimney. Santa, annoyed by her hemming and hawing, pushes his magical belt button and once again, Bernie is sucked down the chimney. Interior Indiana Orphanage. Moments later, Bernie lands on her tuchus.

[Santa]

Ouch.

[Taylor]

Bernie sees children asleep in their beds. There's a Christmas tree in the corner and Bernie tiptoes towards it. She suddenly stops in her tracks when she sees Santa's face staring back at her.

[Santa]

What are you doing here?

[Taylor]

Santa is mimicking her every move. Bernie realizes that she is looking at her own reflection in a mirror. She moves around to play with her Santa twin. She takes off the hat and becomes Bernie again. She puts it on Santa.

[Santa]

Cool.

[Taylor]

Bernie continues her journey to the tree. She puts the sack down and reaches in. Presents fly up automatically, knowing which one is right for the location. As Bernie checks names on the gift, tags the lists, the check twice box gets magically filled.

[Santa]

Easy peasy.

[Taylor]

Bernie turns around to head up the chimney and is shocked to find all of the children awake and staring at her.

[Santa]

Hello orphans.

[Taylor]

Beat until you come.

[Santa]

Did you bring chocolates? Right. The hat. Ho ho. It's me, Santa Claus. Merry Christmas. Parentless children.

[Taylor]

A child, Demetrius, grins ear to ear as he looks up at Santa.

[Santa]

I knew he was black.

[Taylor]

We see Santa from Demetrius pov. He's right. Santa's black. Bernie is confused. So is Cassandra, a little girl wearing glasses and a long dressing gown.

[Santa]

What are you talking about? Santa's clearly a woman.

[Taylor]

Bernie looks down at herself, nervous. They are sitting the real her. From Cassandra's POV we see a female Santa who looks like Betty White. Uh oh.

[Santa]

Santa's a centaur. Look at his hooves. Santa's my mom. Can't you see it?

[Taylor]

The kids argue over what Santa looks like. Bernie thinks for a moment and smiles. She bends down to give a speech.

[Santa]

I think Santa might appear different to everyone. What Santa looks like to depends on how you see him.

[Taylor]

From one child's pov, Santa becomes a Cuban woman.

[Santa]

O comea la vez. Or how you see him. No, no, actually correct. O come elavez. Or how you see them. That's the magic of Hanukkah. Christmas. Christmas. That's the magic of Christmas. It's beautiful. Yes it is, little one. Now I got a jet. I've got more presents to deliver and a sleigh to dg. Cool, cool, cool.

[Taylor]

Bernie stands and starts backing up towards the chimney.

[Santa]

Merry Christmas to all and to all. Sleep good.

[Taylor]

Bernie notices a reflection of the perfect Coca Cola claws in the mirror.

[Santa]

Of course you see Coca Cola claws ya. Basic Bernie.

[Taylor]

She is sucked up through the chimney. Exterior Rooftop orphanage. Moments later, Bernie shoots out of the chimney and this time lands in a squat, her butt touching the snow.

[Santa]

Better.

[Taylor]

Santa jumps around to face Bernie dukes up. He wields a sharpened candy cane like a shiv.

[Santa]

Santa, stop. It's just me. Put the cane down. That wasn't the one up your butt, right?

[Taylor]

Donner leans over and chomps on the butt cane. Bernie throws the sack into the sleigh.

[Santa]

Well, that was surprisingly chill. Like I friggin nailed that on the first go. I don't know what your elves were quacking about cause I got this shit down.

[Taylor]

Bernie hops into the sleigh.

[Santa]

What do you say, Mel Gibson? Santa, you ready to crush Christmas?

[Bernie]

Nella's on the naughty list for good reason.

[Santa]

Get in sugar tits.

[Taylor]

Santa gets in the sleigh and they take flight. Bernie's screams fill the night. Exterior, Night sky. Midwest montage an upbeat Christmas song slaps as we see in record speed the sleigh soaring from house to house. Insert shots of the list. Multiple names get checked off in between flights. Weather shots of flurries and drizzles. Clear night skies and shooting stars as they fly over the map of the Midwest. Roof shots of Bernie repeatedly pulling Santa back from ledges as he tries to fight anyone passing by. Belt shots of Santa pushing his belt buckle over and over. Chute shots of Bernie entering and exiting multiple chimneys. The last chute lands Bernie inside of a interior middle class house. Texas. Later that night. The song fades as Bernie enters a dark living room. She heads to the tree. Suddenly a string is pulled and a light illuminates a little girl, Jeannie, sitting on the couch. Bernie startles falling backwards into the tree. She catches her breath.

[Santa]

Ah, don't do that.

[Bernie]

Assistance needed.

[Santa]

No, everything's fine. Don't come down.

[Taylor]

The little girl stares blankly at Santa from her pov. Santa looks like our traditional Coca Cola claws.

[Santa]

You know you're not supposed to be awake. One of the songs says. So go to bed. Good night.

[Taylor]

The little girl doesn't move. Bernie tries to finish delivering presents but can't.

[Santa]

What, are you just gonna watch me? Genie Smith, I've been waiting for you all night. That's not creepy. Genie. Okay, well, here I am. Go to bed so I can do the thing. Remember when we talked at the mall?

[Taylor]

Bernie uncomfortably nods yes.

[Santa]

I asked for an LOL doll.

[Taylor]

Bernie puts her hand in the sack and a present shoots up. She checks the list.

[Santa]

Yup, got it. Act surprised for Your parents. Good night.

[Taylor]

Bernie heads back towards the chimney.

[Santa]

Wait. I want to exchange it. I don't think it works that way, kid. I mean, it could, but I don't know how. I don't know if we do receipts, but your parents probably could exchange it. They'll figure it out. My parents are getting a divorce, and instead of an LOL doll, I want them to stay together. Oh, that is sad info.

[Taylor]

The little girl blinks up at Bernie with innocence.

[Santa]

I don't know how I'm supposed to.

[Taylor]

Handle this, Bernie thinks, and decides to take a seat on the couch without prompt. Genie immediately jumps on her lap.

[Santa]

Not what I. Whatever. It's fine. Genie, let me ask you something. Do your parents get along? No. They've been fighting a lot. Hmm. Do they seem like they're happy together?

[Taylor]

Genie thinks, and then sadly shakes her head no.

[Santa]

Mm. Mm. Then why do you want them to stay together? I don't want things to change. Why? Things sound like they suck here right now. Besides, divorce can be dope. It can? Yeah. Two houses, two Christmases. Sometimes they'll fight over you and try to buy your love, which can be hella fun. Maybe you'll remarry and you'll get step siblings. Or half siblings. You an only child? Yeah. I hate it. So the opportunities sound fruitful. Look, I know this sucks. Like, even though it has nothing to do with you, it affects you. And that's really unfair. But there's another really good thing about divorce that I didn't mention. The best part.

[Taylor]

Genie looks up, hopeful.

[Santa]

Your parents got a shot at being happy. You want that, right? Yeah. If they're happy, you'll be happy. Probably. I can't see the future, but I do know, just judging from what's under the tree and the weird mall photos.

[Taylor]

Bernie gestures to photos of Jeannie and her parents lying atop each other in denim.

[Santa]

It's clear that your parents love you big time. A divorce won't change that. So what do you say?

[Taylor]

Bernie holds up the LOL doll. Jeannie smiles and grabs the doll, holding it to her chest, lovingly. Bernie stands up and Jeannie falls off her lap, hard.

[Santa]

Merry Christmas, Jeannie. It's gonna be okay, Santa. I love you.

[Taylor]

Bernie holds in a big cry. She heads up the chimney on the mantel. We focus in on an elf on the shelf. The eyes glow green and the head turns to follow Bernie's ascent. This episode of Taylor Re podcast is brought to you by. Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, Monetary magicians. These are the things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations now. AT T Mobile get four 5G phones on us and four lines for $25 a line per month when you switch with eligible trade ins. All on America's largest 5G network. Minimum of 4 lines for 25 per line per month with auto pay discount using debit or bank account, $5 more per line without autopay plus taxes and fees and $10 device connection charge phones via 24 monthly bill credits for well qualified customers. Contact us before canceling entire account to continue book credit or credit stop and balance on a required finance agreement. Due bill credits end if you pay off devices early. CT mobile.com exterior Los Angeles sky later that night, Bernie and Santa are sailing through the smog and when it clears, Bernie gets a closer look at the temperature. It's 85 degrees.

[Santa]

Good Lord, I'm schfitzing.

[Taylor]

Bernie takes off the Santa hat and glances at still angry red eyed Santa.

[Santa]

How do you not sweat your silver balls off south of the equator?

[Taylor]

Angry Santa turns a dial and they are blasted with AC. They suddenly land atop of exterior lit loft TikTok house continuous the house is a McMansion. Bernie hops out of the sleigh. In the front seat, Bernie's phone, filled with missed texts from Eve, glows with a FaceTime call. Bernie tries to hit ignore but accidentally picks up. Intercut with Interior Eve's apartment Same Eve is in Christmas jammies on her bed. She erupts with worry.

[Santa]

Bernie I have been blowing you up.

[Taylor]

All you got arrested. Where are you?

[Santa]

Eve I can't talk right now.

[Taylor]

Why is that George R.R.

[Santa]

Martin motherfucker listening? Are you okay? Long story. Okay, I'll explain later. Eve. I gotta go.

[Taylor]

Bernie hangs up on Eve, ending the intercut.

[Santa]

That'll be fun to deal with later. Okay, Roid Santa According to the list, we only have west coast best coast left. So since you're stuck in the rage miracle, I'll continue being a hero and.

[Taylor]

Go deliver Christmas to Bernie checks the list.

[Santa]

The Lit Loft TikTok House's holiday party.

[Taylor]

Cool interior lit loft Later, Bernie creeps around a dimly lit living room. Every square inch is instagramable. There are neon signs, retro arcade machines and cotton candy dispensers. Bernie hears the party happening outside, but for now she's alone. She spots a Christmas tree in the corner.

[Santa]

Bingo.

[Taylor]

Bernie drags the sack over. She opens the list and reads Michaela Bell. Bernie sticks her hand in the sack and a gift flies up.