The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3"

---

Overview

In the climactic third act of "The Jew Who Saved Christmas," Bernie finds herself entangled in a chaotic adventure alongside Santa Claus, leading to a profound transformation of both characters. This episode masterfully blends traditional Christmas elements with Jewish cultural nuances, delivering a heartwarming and humorous narrative that challenges preconceived notions about holiday traditions and personal redemption.

---

Plot Progression

1. Return to the North Pole ([00:28] - [03:29])

The episode opens with Santa Claus welcoming listeners back to the North Pole, referencing past events where Bernie attempted to deliver Christmas amidst various misadventures, including escaping from TSA custody and impersonating Santa. Santa recounts how Bernie, characterized humorously with Jewish stereotypes, refused to give up, ultimately stealing the sleigh in an effort to save Christmas.

• Santa Claus ([01:40] - [01:50]): "But Bernie, like a typical Jew, refused to admit defeat."

2. The Naughty List Crisis ([02:45] - [04:03])

Santa hands Bernie a magical scroll—now smeared with chocolate—which reveals a surprisingly extensive naughty list. Bernie expresses deep concern over the system's reliance on an impersonal algorithm to judge children's behavior, questioning the fairness and understanding behind the criteria used.

• Bernie ([03:18] - [03:29]): "That's some self-fulfilling Prophecy bullshit. You know, maybe I wouldn't constantly fuck up if my family didn't anticipate me constantly fucking up."

3. Emotional Breakdown and Transformation ([04:06] - [07:59])

Frustrated with the injustices of the naughty list, Bernie delivers a passionate tirade against cancel culture and societal judgments. Her sincerity moves Santa, leading him to a moment of vulnerability where he breaks down, admitting his own imperfections. As Christmas miracles unfold, Bernie attempts to rectify the situation by transferring children from the naughty to the nice list, aiming to deliver presents to everyone.

• Bernie ([04:06] - [04:58]): "When they go low, we go high."

4. The Sleigh's Malfunction and Arrest ([08:04] - [16:55])

As Bernie discovers the sleigh devoid of presents, Santa reveals a plan where he becomes the present himself, emphasizing his role as the embodiment of Christmas spirit. Their ensuing confrontation leads to Bernie being ejected from the sleigh and inadvertently causing chaos, resulting in her arrest. In an interrogation room, Bernie reconnects with Gimble, who reveals shocking truths about Santa's existence and Bernie's own reality.

• Santa Claus ([09:54] - [10:16]): "I am the presents."

5. The Elves' Intervention and Christmas Restoration ([16:56] - [34:10])

Bernie's heartfelt plea to the elves reignites their commitment to saving Christmas. United by Bernie's leadership, the elves embark on a frenetic mission to repair Santa, replenish gifts, and restore the sleigh's functionality. Through teamwork and magical interventions, they manage to revive Santa and ensure that Christmas deliveries proceed smoothly.

• Bernie ([25:08] - [27:00]): "I didn't listen. I didn't accept your help because that's what I do. I've been doing it my whole life."

6. Reconciliation and New Beginnings ([34:27] - [43:14])

In the final segments, Bernie and Santa collaborate harmoniously, delivering presents across Alaska and reflecting on the true meaning of Christmas. Upon returning home, Bernie confronts her family's skepticism with newfound confidence and magical assistance, leading to a heartwarming resolution that blends Hanukkah and Christmas traditions. The episode concludes with Bernie embracing her role as a reconciled individual, ready to continue spreading holiday cheer.

• Santa Claus ([32:30] - [33:52]): "You made me realize that I have been too harsh a judge. You believed in the naughty kids in a way I didn't."

---

Character Development

• Bernie: Transforms from a self-destructive individual struggling with personal demons to a leader who inspires others to believe in redemption and the true spirit of Christmas. Her journey underscores themes of self-acceptance and the importance of community support.

• Santa Claus: Reveals a more vulnerable side, acknowledging his loneliness and the burdens of his eternal role. His partnership with Bernie highlights the necessity of collaboration and understanding in maintaining holiday magic.

• Elves (Sotnik, Gimble, Vixen, Benjamin): Initially dismissive, the elves become pivotal in restoring Christmas, showcasing loyalty and the power of unified effort.

---

Notable Quotes

• Bernie ([03:18] - [03:29]): "That's some self-fulfilling Prophecy bullshit. You know, maybe I wouldn't constantly fuck up if my family didn't anticipate me constantly fucking up."

• Bernie ([04:06] - [04:58]): "When they go low, we go high."

• Santa Claus ([09:54] - [10:16]): "I am the presents."

• Bernie ([25:08] - [27:00]): "I didn't listen. I didn't accept your help because that's what I do. I've been doing it my whole life."

• Santa Claus ([32:30] - [33:52]): "You made me realize that I have been too harsh a judge. You believed in the naughty kids in a way I didn't."

---

Themes and Insights

• Redemption and Forgiveness: Bernie’s journey emphasizes the possibility of personal redemption and the importance of forgiving oneself and others.

• Community and Support: The collaboration between Bernie and the elves highlights how working together can overcome insurmountable challenges.

• Cultural Integration: The blending of Christmas and Hanukkah traditions promotes inclusivity and the celebration of diverse cultural backgrounds.

• Critique of Judgment Systems: The episode critiques impersonal systems that make judgments without understanding individual circumstances, advocating for empathy and personalized compassion.

---

Conclusion

"The Jew Who Saved Christmas - Act 3" serves as a poignant finale that intertwines humor, magic, and heartfelt moments. Through Bernie's transformation and the cooperative efforts of the North Pole inhabitants, the episode delivers a powerful message about the true essence of the holiday season—embracing imperfections, fostering community, and extending unconditional kindness.

Transcript

[Taylor Reid]

This episode of Taylor Re podcast is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses. Monetary magicians. These are the things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations.

[Santa Claus]

Santa welcomes you back to the North Pole. I hope you've California sobered up and can remember what happened in our previous episode. But if not, jolly old Saint Nick will egg jog your memory. After a rocky start delivering Christmas, not to mention breaking out of TSA prison, Bernie started to get the hang of stealing my identity. Christmas was going off without a hitch. But as I continued on my journey of Jewish weed themed miracles, the sleigh's autopilot accidentally got turned back on. Bernie and I were lured back to the North Pole by the elves who were not jolly. But Bernie, like a typical Jew, refused to.

[Bernie]

That wasn't written. That was just.

[Santa Claus]

But Bernie, like a typical Jew, refused to admit defeat. She evaded Santa's helpers and stole the sleigh. I tagged along, stuck in a munchie themed miracle. And we took off in hopes that Bernie could be the Jew who saved Christmas, like a typical joke. Oh, that is the funniest.

[Gimble]

For the record, it is in this. I really like that line.

[Elf]

Episode 3 Exterior, Night Sky, Oregon, PST the wind whips through Santa and Bernie's hair as Santa chomps at clouds.

[Santa Claus]

Mmm, cotton candy.

[Bernie]

Careful, you don't want to gain the 4. 20. 20. Or in my case, 50. God, what a rush. Did you see me own that takeoff? I didn't know you were going to be there and I still just went for it. I could see how you get hooked on this every year. What do we got left?

[Elf]

Santa hands Bernie the magical scroll, which is now covered in chocolate goo. Bernie, Jewish mothers the list by licking her finger and wiping goo away.

[Bernie]

Am I reading this wrong? It seems like there's hardly any deliveries in this area.

[Elf]

Santa looks over at the list and with a mouthful of cheese swipes. The naughty list appears and is massive.

[Bernie]

Whoa. All these kids are on the naughty list?

[Elf]

Santa nods again, hyper focused on finishing the cheese crumbs in his beard.

[Bernie]

So they just don't get presents. Coal.

[Elf]

Santa holds up a honking piece of black coal.

[Bernie]

That's literally worse than not getting anything. Who even decides who's bad or good?

[Santa Claus]

An algorithm?

[Bernie]

Do you even consider what these kids have gone through? How this is gonna affect them? That's some self fulfilling Prophecy bullshit. You know, maybe I wouldn't constantly fuck up if my family didn't anticipate me constantly fucking up what even is considered naughty? Like, what did Chase Byron do that was so bad?

[Elf]

She clicks the name and a description pops up.

[Bernie]

Told 1500 people to kill themselves online. Okay, yeah, that one's pretty bad. But maybe he's from a broken home or having a hard time or just needs someone to believe in him.

[Elf]

Bernie goes off on a tirade of justice.

[Bernie]

Yeah, you know what? God, this is exactly what is wrong with this world. Cancel culture. It's as old as time as ever.

[Elf]

As Bernie stands on her soapbox, Santa mid lollipop lick freezes. His eyes spring open. We enter and an ugly Christmas sweater unravels, turning into the dangling tzitzit of Talit. Amanora's seventh candle gets lit and Benjamin's floating head appears.

[Benjamin]

Miracle 7 fill all the fields and get verklempt.

[Elf]

We zoom out of Santa's eye as Bernie finishes her rant.

[Bernie]

Ever heard of catch more bees with honey? Hurt people, hurt people. When they go low, we go high.

[Elf]

Bernie notices Santa's bottom lip quivering. Santa erupts into a fit of tears.

[Bernie]

Why are you crying?

[Santa Claus]

You're right. You're so right. Who am I to judge? I'm not perfect. I'm a monster.

[Bernie]

Oh, no. PMS miracle. Great. Hey, look.

[Elf]

Bernie moves all of the kids on the naughty list to the nice list.

[Bernie]

We can make this right. Time will slow down just enough so that we can deliver Christmas to everyone. But in order to make that happen, I need you to keep your shit together. Can you do that?

[Elf]

Santa emotionally nods.

[Bernie]

Mm. Great. Then let's give these little delinquents a Christmas they won't forget.

[Elf]

Smash 2. Interior, Portland Family home. Later, Bernie has the Santa hat on delivering presents, Santa sees a framed family Christmas photo. It's so wholesome, he erupts into tears. The upstairs lights flash on. Bernie grabs Santa and ushers him to the chimney before they get caught. Interior, Seattle boathouse. Later, Bernie sets presents down under the tree. She sees a little kid's drawing left for Santa. Bernie hands it to him. It's just too damn wholesome. Whoa. He erupts into tears. Bernie heavy sighs. Interior, British Columbia farmhouse. Later, when Bernie finishes checking the list twice, she discovers Santa isn't there.

[Bernie]

Santa.

[Elf]

She creeps up the stairs and finds Santa in a child's bedroom. The kid is asleep, cuddled up with their golden rich. Santa looks from the Hallmark card moment over to Bernie.

[Bernie]

Don't.

[Elf]

Santa erupts into tears. Smash back to exterior night sky. Later.

[Bernie]

You just couldn't keep it together, could you?

[Santa Claus]

No.

[Bernie]

Well, luckily we only have Alaska left, and they'll probably mistake your wailing for a wolf.

[Elf]

Bernie's stomach growls.

[Bernie]

Good thing Alaska's small. I'm starving. Did munchy Santa clean house or are there any snacks left?

[Santa Claus]

Oh, great. So your body's shaming me too. Everyone talks about my big round belly like it doesn't hurt. Well, it hurts.

[Bernie]

I am being 100% right now when I tell you that I genuinely cannot wait for the next miracle.

[Elf]

Santa's eyes spring open. We enter and emerge in the desert. The star of Bethlehem shines bright above a manger until it becomes a flame that lights a menorah's eighth and final candle. Benjamin's floating head appears.

[Benjamin]

Miracle eight. You're a Star of David.

[Elf]

We zoom out of Santa's eye.

[Bernie]

Maybe there's a nibble in the sack. A Christmas orange, perhaps.

[Elf]

Bernie stretches to feel around the sack. She realizes it's completely empty.

[Bernie]

Uh, I know not a ton of people live in Alaska, but there's legit nothing in here.

[Elf]

Bernie gets up, hands Santa the reins, and puts her entire body inside the bag.

[Bernie]

Like, actually nothing. No presents. What do we do? Do we call the elves? Do they, like, magically refill it or something?

[Elf]

Bernie rejoins Santa.

[Bernie]

Hello, emo Santa. What's the plan here?

[Elf]

Santa smiles a weird, smug grin. He leans against the sleigh like Don Juan.

[Santa Claus]

Me?

[Bernie]

You what?

[Santa Claus]

I'm the plan. I'm Santa.

[Bernie]

I'm not following. You have a way to get more presents?

[Santa Claus]

I am the presents.

[Elf]

Santa kicks his feet on the dash.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, these kids don't need toys. They need me. I am Chris Christmas, and my presents will be their present. You dig?

[Bernie]

No. You're saying you're not gonna give them gifts, you're just going to. I actually do not understand the second part of the plan.

[Elf]

Santa plucks the hat from Bernie's head and wears it way too far back like a hipster beanie.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, Bernie, Bernie, Bernie. You are not and therefore cannot use your human jello brain to comprehend the greatness that is me.

[Bernie]

Okay, I get it. You've gone through another miracle. You're douche Santa. Awesome.

[Santa Claus]

What's awesome is this.

[Elf]

Santa pulls a full Christmas ham from behind Bernie's ear.

[Bernie]

Oh, my God, is that ham? Was that really in my ear? You put a ham in a Jewish person's?

[Santa Claus]

Now imagine that in a kiddo's bedroom. I've woken them up. From a deep slumber. I allow them to post it on Instagram. They're the flyest kid in class, thanks to me.

[Bernie]

Okay, so just to get this straight, you want to sneak into a minor's private bedroom, startle them awake with Meat magic, and then have them post it without parental consent, documenting the evidence of everything I just stated?

[Elf]

Santa nods enthusiastically.

[Bernie]

We're gonna get arrested again.

[Elf]

Santa gets distracted by his reflection in the side mirrors. He likes what he sees. Bernie grabs the list.

[Bernie]

What do these kids ask for?

[Elf]

Bernie swipes the list. Looks like a maze mess with delivery error messages flashing over multiple names.

[Bernie]

Oh my God. I gave the nice kids gifts to the naughty kids. How do we get more gifts?

[Santa Claus]

Wrap this.

[Elf]

Santa blows her a kiss.

[Bernie]

Oh my God. Oh my God. I just ruined Christmas for the entire state of Alaska. The suicide capital of America. Okay, there's gotta be something we can do. Um, we could. We could break into a mall.

[Elf]

Santa brushes his long hair and puts it into a man bun.

[Bernie]

Steal some gifts. The elves can replace them later. Alaska.

[Elf]

Small.

[Bernie]

It shouldn't be a big thing.

[Santa Claus]

Wanna see a big thing? No.

[Bernie]

What if I My.

[Santa Claus]

I'm talking about.

[Bernie]

Jim Santa. No. What about cute IOU notes with very specific promises so they know Christmas is real. Just like a little late.

[Santa Claus]

Santa Claus doesn't owe the children. They owe Santa for being an icon.

[Bernie]

Yeah, dude, not helpful. Can Gaston Santa be quiet for a minute so I can think of a way to fix this giant mess I've made?

[Elf]

Santa stands up, chest puffed out.

[Santa Claus]

How dare you talk to the King of Peace that way?

[Bernie]

Okay, that's Jesus. Um, we could rob a candy place or a closed toy store. Does this thing have gps?

[Elf]

Bernie looks at the dials on the sleigh.

[Santa Claus]

Bernadette.

[Elf]

Santa puts his hands on her shoulders. The weight of him calms her slightly.

[Santa Claus]

I have a plan.

[Bernie]

You do?

[Santa Claus]

I do.

[Elf]

Bernie sighs with relief.

[Santa Claus]

Christmas gets delivered the way it's supposed to by Santa and Santa, alone.

[Elf]

Santa shoves Bernie out of the sleigh. Bernie is shocked and barely has time to gasp as she tumbles through the night sky. She screams as she gains speed. She looks up to see Santa giving the old chin flick, fuck you gesture. But he doesn't realize that gold magic is escaped his fingertips and is flying towards Bernie. Bernie loses consciousness, but just in time. The magic from Santa's flick slows Bernie down. She softly lands atop a roof flat on her back. EXTERIOR ROOFTOP Alaska Continuous. Bernie sank for a moment until she starts to slide down the icy slope. She hits the Ledge and tumbles off. Luckily, her legs get tangled in the string lights and her body dangles upside down. She smacks into someone's living room window. Her shirt gets pulled over her head and her exposed bra flashes. A couple sipping coffee. Bernie knocks on the window.

[Bernie]

A little help.

[Elf]

Exterior, ANC airport, Alaska, early morning. Bernie waves goodbye at the jarred couple as they drive away from departures.

[Bernie]

Thank you and sorry.

[Elf]

Bernie enters the automatic doors and walks up to. To. Interior, Spirit Airlines check in, counter continuous. Bernie hands the Spirit liaison her id.

[Bernie]

First ticket to Chicago, please.

[Elf]

The liaison scans Bernie's id. She pauses and looks up to Bernie. She tries not to give anything away, but it's clear something's up.

[Rami]

Um, excuse me just one second.

[Elf]

The liaison disappears with Bernie's id. Bernie checks her phone. Five new messages from Rami flash before her. Distracted, Bernie doesn't see TSA security and police approaching. They grab her wrists and cuff her off. Hey.

[Bernie]

Hey, what are you. What's happening?

[Rami]

Ma'am, you're on the no Fly List. Merry Christmas.

[Elf]

Bernie is dragged out of sight.

[Bernie]

Clarice from Silence of the Lambs. Yeah, what's up?

[Elf]

Interior, interrogation room. Later. Bernie sits alone. A cup of stale coffee, her only company. She tries to get TSA's attention.

[Bernie]

Hello? I have to pee. You can't just. It's been an hour. I have rights. Alaska is still America, right?

[Elf]

A TSA agent enters with a phone. He offers it to Bernie.

[Bernie]

Is this a lawyer? Don't I get to pick my own? Why won't you tell me the rules?

[Elf]

The TSA agent leaves, and Bernie slowly puts the phone to her ear.

[Bernie]

Hello?

[Gimble]

Gurney, it's me. It's Gimble.

[Bernie]

Gimble?

[Gimble]

From the airport?

[Bernie]

No, no. I know who you are. You're the reason I'm in here. What are you calling a gloat? Well, there's no need. Congratulations. I'm finally getting mine. I'm at rock bottom. Enjoy what's left.

[Gimble]

Don't hang up. I'm not calling to salt your cash. I'm calling to get you out of there.

[Bernie]

Why?

[Gimble]

Santa.

[Bernie]

Santa?

[Gimble]

Santa. I don't know. I don't know what you were doing with him or why he chose a jag off jabroni like you to do it with. But I know this. When I saw what I saw, it erased 20 years of torment. I had been right all along. It's real. I let everyone convince me I was crazy. But thanks to you, I know I'm not.

[Bernie]

Wow. A lot to unpack there. But crazy or not, I. I don't think you're gonna be able to get me out of airport prison. Pretty sure leaving a hole in the roof of O'Hare made me a terrorist.

[Gimble]

There is no hole.

[Bernie]

What?

[Gimble]

The hole repaired itself magically?

[Bernie]

I don't understand.

[Gimble]

And. And the brutally attacked officers don't remember a thing concussed, so, yeah, so.

[Bernie]

So you're telling me all of the evidence of us being arrested is just, what, magically erased?

[Gimble]

Gardener. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to mislead. I had to burn some security footage and blackmail an air marshal.

[Bernie]

My God, what's the nicest, most illegal thing anyone's ever done for me?

[Gimble]

I didn't do it for you. I did it for him.

[Elf]

Bernie doesn't know what to say. She doesn't know what to believe. The phone goes dead. The door to the room swings open.

[Rami]

All right, you've been cleared. Free to go.

[Elf]

Bernie shakes her head in disbelief. She pauses as she passes the agent.

[Bernie]

This experience made me realize how unsafe our country really is. Thank you for your service.

[Elf]

Bernie salutes the TSA agent and exits. INTERIOR AIRPLANE Later. Bernie is in flight as the captain comes over the loudspeakers.

[Flight Captain]

We are officially out of our ascent and the seatbelt sign is off, so you're free to walk about the cabin. It's Christmas morning, so I want to wish everyone a very merry Christmas to you and yours.

[Elf]

The Christmas wishes devastate Bernie. The plane hits some turbulence. The woman next to Bernie jumps, grabbing the armrest.

[Rami]

Sorry, I'm a terrible fire.

[Bernie]

Me too.

[Elf]

Bernie realizes she's actually at ease in the air, not at all afraid. She looks out the window at the dark sky and is surprised to see Santa. No one else notices him. Santa stands on the bed of the sleigh, shouting, I'm the king of the world. We travel through the airplane window into Santa's eye. We enter and all goes dark. A menorah with eight candles dwindling down finally burns out. We zoom out of Santa's eye and back to Bernie. Bernie watches Santa's eyes roll into the back of his head. With no one steering the sleigh, it hits the side of the plane. The plane's engine explodes upon impact. The sleigh falls off, disappearing beneath the clouds.

[Flight Captain]

Folks, we've lost an engine. We need to make an emergency landing. Back at anc, please buckle your seatbelts and remain seated for our descent.

[Elf]

We're all gonna die. Bernie gives one last look out the window. SANTA Exterior ANC ARRIVALS later that morning, Bernie takes a deep breath and and dials Rami. It goes to voicemail.

[Bernie]

Hey, Ram, it's me. I. I'm in Alaska. It's a long story, but the point is, I'm not gonna make it home in time to clean up. I know what you're gonna say. I should have let you help with the cleanup and the party and my entire life. I just. I really wanted to do it on my own. And big surprise to no one. I couldn't. Can't. Anyway, you were right. I'm a disaster. I'll look for a new place when I get back. Mom and dad have dealt with me long enough. So have you.

[Elf]

Honestly, so have I. Bernie cuts herself off when she sees Vixen standing in the loading zone like a taxi. Bernie hangs up and approaches Vixen.

[Gimble]

You were stressed about that one, huh?

[Bernie]

What are you doing here? Where's Santa?

[Elf]

Vixen gestures her head to her back.

[Bernie]

You want me to ride you like a common mule?

[Elf]

Vixen blows and nods. A little girl tugs on her busy mother's shirt and points at Vixen having a whores convo with Bernie.

[Rami]

It's Alaska, honey. It happens.

[Bernie]

I can't go with you, Vix. You're in this mess because of me, and if I get more involved, I'll just make it worse.

[Elf]

Vixen bites Bernie.

[Bernie]

Ow. I'm serious. I am a walking plague. I try to take initiative, I try to take charge, and everyone just ends up wishing I didn't. Well, I'm gonna save them the trouble. I'm going home.

[Elf]

Bernie tries to leave, but Vixen bites her shirt. Vixen yanks Bernie backwards, lifting Bernie onto Vixen's back in one fell swoop. When Bernie lands, Vixen makes a she's so heavy whore sound.

[Bernie]

Oy. Okay, that's rude. Vixen. Vixen, let me down. I'm not like a horse girl, and I've already tested my limits. Enough today.

[Elf]

Vixen takes off, and Bernie holds on for dear life. Exterior, Random Glacier.

[Bernie]

You liked it the first time.

[Elf]

Exterior, Random Glacier. Later, Vixen gently lands as Bernie's frozen bod falls to the ice. Blitzen grabs a blanket with his horse teeth and drapes it over Bernie.

[Taylor Reid]

This episode of Taylor Re podcast is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are the things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all States or situations.

[Elf]

Bernie pats him on the head and makes her way to the sleigh. Santa is passed out cold. Bernie nervously takes his pulse.

[Bernie]

Please be okay.

[Elf]

Santa's pulse beats to the rhythm of Jingle Bells.

[Bernie]

I think that's a good sign.

[Elf]

Bernie leans into Santa.

[Bernie]

I know you're done with the eight miracles, but I really need one more, okay? Please wake up.

[Elf]

Santa stays comatose.

[Bernie]

Santa, I am so sorry I did this to you. You didn't come to my house for a reason. Why would Christmas be about me? I hijacked your holiday because J.K. rowling was right. I'm a Jewish goblin. But I swear to you, I will get you home to the right people for the job so they can help. You should have just done that in the first place.

[Elf]

Bernie picks up the damaged radio.

[Bernie]

Hello, elves. Sotnik, do you copy? Do you read?

[Elf]

Static hello?

[Bernie]

It's Bernie. Mayday. We need help, please.

[Elf]

More static. Bernie throws down the radio. She thinks for a moment and looks to the reindeer.

[Bernie]

Guys, I need you to take us back to the Pole.

[Elf]

The magic yaks stare blankly at her.

[Bernie]

Come on, you know the way you've been doing this for billions of years.

[Elf]

Bixen snorts. That's wrong.

[Bernie]

Please, just get him home. Do it for him. I know you can do it. You're actual magic. Please save Santa, Okay? Just get him home. Okay. Dasher, come on.

[Elf]

Dancer, Prancer, the reindeer start to trot. Bernie sits up a little straighter. She realizes she's triggering them by saying their names.

[Bernie]

On Dasher, On Dancer, on Prancer, on Vixen, on Carl, on Michael, on Something. John, Jinglehammer. I don't. No, please, just go. Cupid, Marcus and Blitzen. You guys are being annoying. You know what I mean? Just come on. Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike, Ralph, Johnny, move your ass.

[Elf]

The reindeer who have paused to stare at Bernie with disdain roll their eyes and wiggle their butts.

[Bernie]

You're gonna do it, aren't ya?

[Elf]

The reindeer gallop and take off into the dark morning sky to the Pole. Interior. Exterior. Exterior. The real North Pole. Later, in Coco's Tavern, the elves sit in silence, slamming down eggnog.

[Sotnik]

Hit me.

[Elf]

The bartender pours another nod, breaking the melancholy. Bernie runs through the doors. Once again, she's dressed like a Christmas idiot.

[Bernie]

Hi, I'm back. I was on a plane and Santa crashed it and then he ran out of miracles and I think it blew his system because now he's catatonic and the sleigh's all messed up and the flying fawns got me here. Now we need your help.

[Elf]

Bernie squats as she catches her breath. The elves don't react.

[Bernie]

Hello, elves. Did you hear me? Santa needs you.

[Sotnik]

Needs us? Why? Your tartan tush can do it all alone, right?

[Elf]

The rest of the elves.

[Sotnik]

That's what I thought.

[Bernie]

Are you drunk?

[Sotnik]

So I had a little pahrump. It was a rough night.

[Bernie]

Bernie Gold Sotnik, please. I know tonight was rough because of me, but there are bigger issues at hand here. Santa's a wreck, the sleigh's damage, and we ran out of presents.

[Sotnik]

Don't you think we already snow that?

[Bernie]

How?

[Rami]

We have eyes everywhere. Ever heard of Elf on a Shelf?

[Elf]

Hiroto pulls out a magical device that shows security footage from hidden cameras placed in the eyes of elves on their shelves from around the world. We focus in on footage of a person using the toilet.

[Gimble]

I wish parents wouldn't put them in the bathroom.

[Bernie]

If you know about this, then why aren't you doing something?

[Sotnik]

If I recall, you didn't seem to chimney us when you turned off autopilot and stole the sleigh.

[Elf]

Bernie's about to argue, but stops.

[Bernie]

You're right.

[Elf]

The elves weren't expecting this. They don't know how to react.

[Bernie]

I didn't listen. I didn't accept your help because that's what I do. I've been doing it my whole life.

[Elf]

Bernie reflects, taking a moment to herself.

[Bernie]

My best friend filled out a job application so I'd stop stalling. Do you think I thanked her?

[Elf]

The elves don't know if it's rhetorical.

[Bernie]

No. I pushed her away because I wanted her to think that I was capable of doing it on my own. I'm not. Or how about my parents and shitty sister offering to help throw a family party? Did I use it as an opportunity to bond and spend quality time together?

[Elf]

The elves still don't know if she wants them to respond.

[Bernie]

Of course not. I shut them out because I'd rather prove that they should have had faith in me in the first place. And why wouldn't they? Right? I've only botched every other social event I've been in charge of, and those examples are just from the past 24 hours.

[Elf]

So Bernie sits down, defeated.

[Bernie]

Yeah, I really wanted to believe that when the real life Santa Claus showed up at my house on a night when I really needed it, he was there to prove that I could finally be trusted. Depended on, believed in. And then you guys came on the radio and you echoed all of the things I'd been running from. And I wanted so badly to show you and everyone else that you were all wrong about me. But the thing is, I knew you weren't. And I took Christmas hostage anyway. And for what? It doesn't matter if Eve or my parents or even Santa believes in me, because the truth is, I don't believe in myself.

[Elf]

This was hard to say. Bernie looks up at the elves, who have tears streaming down their faces.

[Bernie]

So I'm here to give you the reins because he needs you. The world needs you. There's still time. Or there isn't. I have zero grasp on how the time stuff works. But I know this. If anyone can get the job done, it's you puppet looking laborers. And I think it's time for the elf to get off the goddamn shelf and get to work to save Christmas.

[Elf]

The elves are pumped up by Bernie's speech. They flip where they stand, hopping on each other's heads and shoulders. Knowing that Christmas is finally in the right hands, Bernie creeps out the door.

[Bernie]

Hey.

[Elf]

Bernie turns around, confused.

[Sotnik]

Where in the pear tree do you think you're going?

[Bernie]

Uh, somewhere I can be out of your hair and not ruin things further. Did you not hear my big speech?

[Elf]

Satnik crosses to Bernie and climbs on a stool so he's level with her.

[Sotnik]

You got us into this Chris mess and you're not gonna stick around to do your partridge?

[Bernie]

Look, I know what you're doing and it's really nice, but I don't need a pity invite.

[Sotnik]

It's not pity. We're gonna need a miracle to pull this off in time. And I hear your holiday has a few of those, don't they?

[Bernie]

Yeah, eight. But eight's a lot.

[Sotnik]

I know your kind's frugal, but.

[Gimble]

Damn, eight's a lot.

[Sotnik]

I know your kind's frugal, but you think you could share because we need all the help we can get.

[Elf]

Sotnik puts out his elf hand. Fernie pauses, thinking before she smiles and grabs his four fingers to shake.

[Bernie]

Count this stingy bitch in montage.

[Elf]

Cue a rock and roll Christmas song while Bernie and the elves get to work in the town square, the elves forklift past out Santa out of the sleigh, put him on a stretcher, and march him into a spa called the Manger. In the barn, the elves are at work fixing the sleigh and grooming the reindeer as Bernie oversees.

[Bernie]

You might want to add a safety piece feature so it's harder to turn off the autopilot. Just a suggestion.

[Elf]

At the Manger Spa, Santa is observed by Elves. They watch from behind glass as maple syrup is administered through a long IV tube into Santa's veins. They hold their breath, but Santa remains unconscious. At the toy warehouse, the elves work over a conveyor belt. They're assembling LOL dolls. One by one, Bernie grabs one of the dolls and submerges it in into water. The once new doll now appears to be wearing lingerie. Bernie looks over at an elf with judgment and he gives her a pervy smile. At the Manger Spa, Bernie checks in on Santa, who is now in a room covered in mistletoe. One by one, each elf kisses Santa on the lips and waits for him to awaken. Bernie leans over to one of the elves.

[Bernie]

How is this sobering him up?

[Benjamin]

True love kiss. Mrs. Claus didn't do the trick.

[Elf]

Bernie sighs at the madness. At the toy warehouse, Bernie takes inventory. They're short gifts and elf leads Bernie to a vault stocked with wall to wall electronics. They have all the big boy toys. Bernie looks to the elf, impressed.

[Gimble]

We used to make them ourselves, but now we outsource.

[Bernie]

Apple really is everywhere.

[Elf]

Bernie checks the missing presents off the list. At the Manger Spa, Santa is in a sauna where instead of steam, powdered sugar fills the room. Exterior, town square, end of montage. All of the elves have formed an assembly line and are passing each other wrapped gifts to put into the fresh sleigh. Sotnik is checking the gifts off.

[Sotnik]

200,001, 200,002. Alaska is ready to be delivered.

[Elf]

The elves jump in glee, celebrating as they do by hopping and bopping all over the town. They hug Bernie.

[Flight Captain]

One of them turns into a monkey.

[Bernie]

We did it, Santa.

[Elf]

The elves run towards Santa, who is back to the Santa we all know and love. He's a sober Santa. Bernie is forgotten and awkwardly stands alone as the elves surround the man and raid. We thought you'd never wake up.

[Sotnik]

You were stiffer than a chili chestnut.

[Bernie]

Thank God you're alive. Now you can deliver Christmas. Yay.

[Gimble]

Christmas is saved. We love you, Santa Claus.

[Elf]

Santa gets in the sleigh, puts on his hat, tightens his gloves and gets ready to take off. But he stops suddenly, looking around.

[Santa Claus]

Bernie. Bernie Gold.

[Elf]

The elves part and expose Bernie, who is trying to hide in the back.

[Bernie]

Oh, hey. So glad you're feeling better. Good luck. Sorry.

[Santa Claus]

Are you ready?

[Bernie]

Huh?

[Santa Claus]

You are joining me, aren't you?

[Bernie]

Me? You want me to come? Wait, like you're gonna drop me off on the way or.

[Santa Claus]

Well, if it's all right by you, I could use a hand finishing the.

[Bernie]

Job, but I don't understand. Aren't you furious with me?

[Santa Claus]

Well, I guess I should be furious. But not with you.

[Bernie]

I don't follow.

[Santa Claus]

You see, Bernie, I've been doing Christmas the same way for over 1,686 years. Turns out, wasn't just the sleigh that was riding on autopilot. Then you came along and drugged me. You made my eyes bloodshot and wide open. You did that.

[Bernie]

I did?

[Santa Claus]

Oh, yes, Bernie. It was you who told that little girl about the jolly side of divorce. Oh, it's so good when parents destroy their children. I've. That was added. I would have just given her a toy and erased her memory of me ever being there. But you. You connected with her and helped more than any gift ever could.

[Bernie]

I didn't think it was that big a deal.

[Santa Claus]

And how about that party? I never stop to partake in the jubilance. I'm usually watching the fun from outside a frosted window. I forgot how it felt to be included in a Christmas celebration. I clearly have enough time to indulge every now and then.

[Bernie]

Do you? I still don't understand how the time thing works. It has to be daytime in Alaska by now.

[Sotnik]

Winter solstice.

[Santa Claus]

And as for the naughty list, the very reason we ran out of gifts for the children.

[Elf]

Bernie bows her head in shame.

[Santa Claus]

You made me realize that I have been too harsh a judge. You believed in the naughty kids in a way I didn't. And now, because of you, they'll have a real shot at being nice because someone showed them some Christmas kindness.

[Elf]

Bernie smiles.

[Santa Claus]

I've delivered Christmas alone since it's dawn. And I never realized how lonely it could be. I'd really like to finish this year's delivery with you. I guess even Santa needs a little help.

[Gimble]

Or a lot.

[Elf]

Alpher holds up his hands and they are blistered and bleeding. Santa holds out his hand to Bernie.

[Santa Claus]

What do you say? One last ride?

[Bernie]

I'd be honored.

[Elf]

Santa helps Bernie up into the sleigh.

[Sotnik]

Wait, Bernie. We have one last gift.

[Elf]

The elves march over a long blue box with a silver bow.

[Bernie]

Happy Cha Cha Ca. With your track record, I am so nervous about what this is going to be.

[Elf]

Bernie opens the gift. Inside is a fitted blue crushed velvet suit with a Star of David embroidered on the back. Bernie is surprised and touched.

[Sotnik]

Now go make Christmas look good.

[Elf]

Exterior. Dark winter solstice. Morning sky. Alaska. A Christmas song plays. As Santa and Bernie, in her new fit, fly past a welcome to Alaska sign. The sleigh flies over a mining town built into a mountainside with carts and copper decorating the scene. The echoes of children waking up to Christmas miracles follow the sleigh. Mom, Santa came while we were sleeping.

[Bernie]

Look at all the toys.

[Elf]

The sleigh passes over a frozen lake where an ice fisherman sees them and is stunned. The sleigh continues over a quaint railroad town.

[Bernie]

Wow.

[Rami]

I didn't think I was gonna get anything this year.

[Elf]

Thanks, Mom.

[Rami]

Oh, that wasn't me.

[Bernie]

Mom.

[Rami]

I didn't get you anything.

[Elf]

The sleigh flies. The sleigh flies through the magical northern lights and grazes by national parks. Finally, the sleigh passes over a reservation with fur hanging and dog sleds rigged and ready.

[Gimble]

This is the best Christmas ever. I love you.

[Bernie]

Neat.

[Elf]

New Alaskan voices of gratitude and love start to overlap and fill the air. Santa's sleigh makes a U turn and heads into the rising sun. Alaska's Christmas has been delivered. Except. Exterior Bernie's parents house front porch Christmas Day. Santa and Bernie stand awkwardly at her front door. Bernie tucks some curls behind her ear.

[Bernie]

I had a really nice time, Santa.

[Santa Claus]

Oh, me too. I'm really glad I went to the wrong house and that I didn't check the list twice.

[Bernie]

I'm really glad you didn't turn out to be a Christmas themed murderer, so. Oh, are we supposed to laugh? My bad.

[Elf]

They laugh.

[Bernie]

So you really liked having me tag along?

[Santa Claus]

Do bet your boots.

[Bernie]

Does that mean I can come again next year? Oh.

[Santa Claus]

No.

[Bernie]

Okay, I better go face the music. My family went to lunch, but I doubt there's enough bagels and lox in the world to buy me time to clean up before they get home and then disown me.

[Santa Claus]

Bernie, what you did last night would make every family in the world proud to have you as a member.

[Elf]

Bernie smiles and turns her back to Santa as she futzes with her keys.

[Bernie]

Yeah, well, my parents aren't going to believe the whole I went on a Christmas adventure with Santa excuse.

[Elf]

So Bernie turns around and Santa is gone.

[Bernie]

That's rude.

[Elf]

Bernie looks up at the sky and waves to a blip of red whizzing by. She takes a deep breath and enters her home. Interior Bernie's parents house living room continuous it's worse than she remembered. The fireplace is in shambles, there's broken glass, soot and food splattered everywhere. Santa's boot imprints are etched into the carpet. It's bad. Bernie enters the closet to grab a broom. When she hears her family unlock the front door. Bernie braces herself.

[Rami]

Oh my God.

[Bernie]

Bernie, get out here.

[Elf]

Bernie reenters the living room and is shocked to see the place immaculate. Fresh latkes are plated on the table. Gelt bags and gifts line the mantle that is completely intact. Hanukkah decorations out of a Kardashian themed party take over the room. It's warm, inviting and lovely. Bernie's whole family is in disbelief. Fran has tears in her eyes.

[Rami]

Did you do all of this by yourself?

[Bernie]

I had a little help. Happy Hanukkah. I'm so happy you're home. And I'm so sorry for everything.

[Gimble]

It was an accident, honey. Could have happened to anyone.

[Elf]

Rami rolls her eyes.

[Rami]

What are you wearing?

[Elf]

Bernie, in her velvet suit, shuts Rami up by throwing her arms around her and embracing her in a hug.

[Bernie]

I should have let you help with the party. You're really good at this stuff and I want to do more things together. I love you.

[Elf]

Rami is uncomfortable, but lets a tiny bit of affection in.

[Gimble]

I'll call Gary and tell him to bring the rest of the kids over.

[Rami]

Tell them it's a Hanukkah miracle.

[Bernie]

You don't know how correct that statement actually is.

[Elf]

Bernie takes a bite out of a latke. When she sees Rami about to eat a chocolate chip cookie, Bernie runs over to knock it out of her sister's hands.

[Bernie]

No.

[Elf]

Everyone looks at her in shock.

[Bernie]

Those have peanuts.

[Elf]

Bernie dumps the cookies in the trash. A little later, Bernie's extended family plays dreidel. They spin, spin, spin, laugh, eat and be merry. Fran lands on Gimmel.

[Rami]

Gimmel. Ya money.

[Elf]

You cheated, bubby.

[Bernie]

It's okay, Sam. I've got more guilt. Brb.

[Elf]

Bernie heads to the garage. Suddenly, the front door busts open. It's Eve. She's still in her pajamas and looks like she's had a rough night. Eve. Eve frantically runs into the living room, still catching her breath.

[Benjamin]

Bernie's missing.

[Elf]

Eve paces frenetically, spilling her guts.

[Benjamin]

Last time I spoke to her was nine hours ago and she was not answering her phone. She was off with some bearded Zeus who I know is not her uncle. Sorry, I need to get my fucking glasses. Okay. Last time I spoke to her was nine hours ago. She was not answering her phone. She was up with some bearded Zeus who I know wasn't her uncle. Mark and TSA told me she got arrested and I logged onto her account and it said she was on a flight and it made an emergency landing in Alaska.

[Elf]

The family stares at Eve in confusion.

[Bernie]

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

[Rami]

I think I get what's going on here. Bernie tried to do that weird Alaska prank on me too, but I didn't fall for it cause I'm not an idiot.

[Bernie]

Bitch.

[Benjamin]

Why aren't you doing anything? Didn't you hear what I said? Bernie's in trouble.

[Elf]

Eve looks up in shock at Bernie, who has re entered the living room. Eve runs to Bernie and wraps her arms around her.

[Benjamin]

Bernie, you're alive. Thank God.

[Elf]

The family watches them with judgment.

[Gimble]

Well, now that that's settled, Eve, care to spin?

[Elf]

The girls break their hug and Eve takes her place with the family. She spins the dreidel.

[Bernie]

Non givimo.

[Elf]

Hey Shin, watch the dreidel spin, spin, spin. We pan off of the family delight to the mantle. A mensch on a bench's eyes suddenly spring to life, glowing like the elf on the shelves did. Bernie feels the gaze and stares at the doll. It winks at her. She jumps. Laughter and ignorant bliss drown out the scene. Chiron One year later Interior O'Hare Christmas Eve the airport is once again decked with holly. Bernie and Eve, both sporting the Spirit Airlines flight attendant uniform, are on the moving walkway. Eve has been timing Bernie's speech.

[Bernie]

We ask that you make sure that all carry on luggage is stowed away safely during the flight. While we wait for two please take a moment to review the safety data card on the front.

[Elf]

Really good.

[Bernie]

We ask that you make sure that all carry on luggage is stowed away safely during the flight. While we wait for takeoff, please take a moment to review the safety data card in the seat pocket in front of you.

[Benjamin]

Three minutes. A new record.

[Bernie]

Yes.

[Benjamin]

You're gonna nail your first flight.

[Bernie]

Couldn't have done it without you.

[Benjamin]

I know. We did it together.

[Elf]

Bernie and Eve arrive at a checkpoint and show their badges to Agent Gimble, who winks at Bernie as she passes. Eve notices the exchange.

[Benjamin]

You just smashing.

[Bernie]

Yeah.

[Elf]

Bernie and Eve reach a fork. They pause to say goodbye.

[Bernie]

Wish me luck.

[Benjamin]

Luck is just destiny in disguise.

[Bernie]

Stop quoting your psychic. Sorry, Pastor.

[Benjamin]

Merry Christmas, Bernie.

[Elf]

Eve walks away and Bernie looks up through the glass roof of O'Hare Airport and into the sky. We see a plane take off and and moments later, if you squint hard enough, a sleigh.

[Bernie]

Merry Christmas.

[Elf]

The End.

[Taylor Reid]

This episode of Taylor Reid Podcast is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are the things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations.

[Marketing Voice]

Marketing is hard. But I'll tell you a little secret. It doesn't have to be. Let me point something out. You're listening to a podcast right now, and it's great. You love the host. You seek it out and download it. You listen to it while driving, working out, cooking, even going to the bathroom. Podcasts are a pretty close companion. And this is a podcast ad. Did I get your attention? You can reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Libsyn Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a pre produced ad like this one across thousands of shows. To reach your target audience in their favorite podcasts with Libsyn ads, go to Libsynads.com that's L I B S Y N ads.com today.