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What if tomorrow felt lighter than today? That's exactly why I built you an app. I had the rare opportunity to build something I have wanted for years. A responsive app that uses seven therapy modalities and the wisdom of the experts I lean on to help people feel better every single day. The Everyday Calm app is not random tips, is not mood tracking. It is a real daily practice that changes with you. You wake up overwhelmed. It gives you clarity, work, you feel tense, it gives you grounding. You're stuck in comparison or rumination. It helps you make the shift, it adjusts, it responds, and it teaches the same tools that actually work in real life. If you want your days to feel calmer and more intentional, try the Everyday Calm app. You can go to studio.comrebecca to get it today. In this episode, you'll discover a simp way to stay grounded at all those family gatherings you're about to get into without getting pulled into any dynamics or any drama. Welcome to Takeout Therapy, the podcast for empathic high achievers who are done with overworking, overthinking and overwhelm. I'm Rebecca Hunter, an anxiety expert and a therapist helping busy, big hearted people like you learn practical skills to quiet your racing mind, overcome self doubt, and actually be present in your life. If that sounds good to you, you're in the right place. Visit me at takeouttherapy.com any old time. Thanks for listening. Let's get to work. Well hello there friend. I'm so happy you showed up for today's session because of course I have a little holiday gift for you. In this episode, you're going to discover why family differences feel so much louder during the holidays, how to choose your participation and engagement level before you even walk through the door. And of course, I'll give you a few tools to help you stay steady just in case things get tense. Because am I right with all of the holiday gatherings? It gets a little bit stressful, doesn't it? Some people think it's the to do list that overwhelms people. But I'll tell you, as a therapist in the office, every year after year after year, it's the gatherings that wig people out. Because holiday gatherings tend to put us all in a room together where all of our differences can be seen through so clearly, whether there are differences in our value system or ethical system. Maybe we just have like personality differences. Sometimes we have differences in the way we relate to each other, in the way we talk to each other, and in the way we care about each other, right? It's not really the differences that are the problem. It's actually how we tend to respond to them that makes gatherings awkward and completely overwhelming. And oftentimes, to be honest with you, people talk about this before the gatherings even happen. Like, that's how wigged out we get before this stuff at the holidays. So today I want to help you out a little bit by talking about a practical way to make the holiday season a lot easier on your mind and your body maybe, and for sure your relationships. You know, families are not made of clones. If only, right? If only everybody in our family was just like us, then we could totally understand each other. But unfortunately, it's not like that. Everyone arrives with their own opinions, their own value systems and lifestyles. Their funny little personality quirks are sometimes not that funny. And their history, right, which oftentimes is not the same as our history. During the holidays, these differences get amplified because first of all, we're all together kind of a lot sometimes. And because there are expectations about how the holiday is gonna go, right, We've got our little traditions that have to happen, and we're all just kind of sitting around together. And oftentimes after all these gatherings, people walk away pretty, pretty upset and resentful and angry. They say things like, I hate it when my mom says this stuff, or I can't believe my uncle believes this stuff, or why does this person always bring that up? That's a big one. The thing is, is these gatherings over the holidays sentimentally important, right? Because we care about people and we want to show them that we care about them and we do want to spend time with them. But the result of that is a spectrum that basically goes from cool, fine, no problem to mildly awkward to truly exhausting. And one of the things I hear about a lot as a therapist is the holiday blow ups. Yeah, that happens, right? Because here comes our family and they have all their stuff. They've got their political commentary, their Covid trauma, Their old family roles just pop right up. They've got their conspiracy theories. At this point, there's so many taboo subjects that it can feel like tiptoeing across a mind feel. By the time dessert comes out, most people are pretty drained, kind of overstimulated, and oftentimes irritated or resentful with their family members and themselves for reacting to anything at all. What most people actually want is just to have a peaceful holiday gathering where they can be with people that they really care about and they can enjoy good food and, you know, be decent company without feeling all, like, anxious and Defensive and trapped in these old dynamics. So my gift to you this holiday season is a little bit of a strategy that I use every year and that I teach my clients in my office. Because I think anytime we're going into a season where a lot's gonna be asked of us, a strategy, my friend, is a good gift to have. So the first thing you want to do is tally up the number of gatherings you have. Understand that it's probably a lot. A lot of people have at least two, if not six gatherings that they go to, right? They go to the mom's for Christmas, then they go to dad's for Christmas. There's an extra Thanksgiving. Let's have a friendsgiving, maybe a brunch, right? So choosing your engagement level ahead of time is a really good idea. See, I'm catching you on the Friday before the season hits. Decide ahead of time how involved you want to be in certain dynamics or how engaged you want to be with certain people or certain conversation, right? Just kind of pick your engagement level ahead of time. Not everything deserves your participation, my friend. You get to choose. So if you're like, I really am not going to be talking about any politics this holiday. Cool. That's what I mean. Decide ahead of time how involved you're going to be in certain conversations or dynamics. Because not everything needs your participation, friend. And you don't have to. You have to save yourself for the things that you do want to engage in. The second idea that I have for you is never, never, never, never, ever take things personally. Especially from people that you don't spend a ton of time with, people that you don't maybe share values or opinions with. Don't take things personally. People just talk about themselves, right? From their own experiences, from their own fears and their own beliefs. And the important thing to remember is whether you like it or not actually doesn't really even matter because it doesn't automatically have anything to do with you. So, my friend, you are free from having to correct your uncle about those chemtrails. What really tends to help in these kinds of situations is being open, staying mindful and present. Being willing to just simply learn about the people that you chose to spend your holiday with is a good idea. Just being curious, just like sitting back in your seat and being like, huh, That's a really interesting way to look at life, right? Curiosity tends to create a lot of emotional space because when we get all judgy, then we're sort of choosing a pathway for our emotion versus curiosity. It's like there doesn't have to be a bunch of tension or disagreement or opinion there. Staying mindful and present means staying open. It means staying curious and like, leave the judgment at the door. It doesn't matter. I think the most important thing that I can leave you with in your holiday survival guide is to set boundaries, my friend. Lead with you. If you don't want to stay later, just say you're going to leave early. If you don't want to talk about certain things, don't talk about those things. I talk with people a lot in the therapy office when they're getting ready to go to events or gatherings that they're not super stoked about or that they feel nervous about. Certain elements. What I tell them is phrases. Having a few phrases in your pocket for the things that you tend to come across in these types of situations that make you uncomfortable is super clutch. It's the classic example of the newlywed couple shows up to Christmas dinner. What does everybody want to know? When are you having a baby? Right, of course. And also you can have boundaries in that situation. That couple can have a phrase ready. Perhaps it's a humorous quip, right, that will slam the door on that conversation and move things along. I honestly think that all these gatherings, the extra Christmases, Thanksgiving and brunches, friends giving, are exhausting. I tend to actually need to take breaks or leave early. Those are boundaries, friend. Just giving yourself permission to take care of yourself in the midst of this busy, busy season is so appropriate. You can step outside and take a deep breath, you can shift the conversation or you can say no thank you to the conversation to begin with. What I would encourage you to do is just be productive when you're planning for all these gatherings this season. Choose your engagement level. Try not to take things personally. Stay kind of mindful and present and always, always, my friend, have your boundaries in your pocket. Because the long term benefit of a little bit of pre planning is a calmer nervous system, a clearer sense of yourself and what you're there for. And of course, the holiday gatherings will be much more emotionally manageable. So hopefully that helps you as you head on into this joyous, joyous season. In this episode, you've learned why holiday gatherings amplify family differences. They sure do, don't they? How to choose your engagement level before entering the situation. And hopefully now you've got a couple practical tools to stay steady when things get tensed, because I promise you they will. Holiday stress gets way easier when you decide how you want to show up. Instead of just instead of having to just react to all the things that start showing up around you. I hope that's helpful. Thank you so much for spending your time with me today. I really appreciate you being here and doing this work. And as always, while Takeout Therapy is a great educational resource, get the level of support that you need for your situation. Head to takeouttherapy.com to check out my resources and find out how to work with me. And if you're interested, there are links for everything I offer in the show notes. Until next time, take good care of yourself, friend. What if one simple daily tool could completely change how you feel by tonight? Building the Everyday Calm app has been one of the most meaningful experiences of my career. I finally got the chance to put everything I know into one place. All seven therapy approaches I rely on in the office every single day, the science from all the experts I trust, and the technology. It's next level. The app pays attention to you. It listens to your feedback. It adjusts every single day based on how you're doing, what's going on in your life, and gives you exactly what will help you feel clearer, calmer and more steady. If you're tired of feeling overloaded or stuck in your head, this is the daily support you have been missing. Try the Everyday Calm app by going to studio.com Rebecca it's like having me in your pocket. What could possibly go wrong.