Podcast Summary: Take Out Therapy

Episode: Ditch Victim Mode And Calm Your Overthinking With a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) Skill
Host: Rebecca Hunter, MSW
Date: October 21, 2025

Overview

In this brief, practical “mini session” episode, therapist Rebecca Hunter delivers actionable advice for empathic high-achievers who find themselves stuck in emotional cycles of overwhelm and overthinking. The focus is on identifying and escaping “victim mode”—the mental habit of feeling powerless or excessively blaming others for life’s stresses—and introducing a key Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skill: “check the facts.” Hunter walks listeners through how to use this technique to bring clarity, return to personal agency, and gently step out of toxic mental loops.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

What is “Victim Mode”?

• Definition: A mental place where everything feels like it’s happening to you, often manifesting as “Why is this happening to me?” and general blame-focused thinking.
• Who’s at risk: Empathic, high-performing people, who care deeply and often run on empty.
• Purpose: It’s not about being dramatic, but about exhaustion and emotional avoidance—masking difficult feelings by focusing on external blame.

“Victim mode is an emotional hiding place, right? It's a blame loop that spins and spins and spins but literally gets us nowhere.” — Rebecca Hunter (01:34)

• Pitfall: Feels justified but keeps you stuck in negativity, resentment, and powerless cycles; prevents you from seeing your own role or options.

Important Clarification

Rebecca acknowledges the importance of distinguishing between actual victimization or abuse—which requires care and a different therapeutic approach—and the everyday mental habit of feeling powerless.

“If you've been hurt or harmed, that's real. And it needs a different approach along with care and safety.” — Rebecca Hunter (02:23)

Why We Fall Into Victim Mode

• It’s a response to not wanting to face life's hard feelings (fear, hurt, disappointment).
• It's familiar (“a comfortable cage”), but ultimately unhelpful and disempowering.

Introducing The DBT “Check The Facts” Skill

• Purpose: A method to snap out of dramatic/exaggerated thinking by returning to reality.

• Goal: Pull yourself out of “emotion brain” into “truth brain”.

• Steps to Practice:

  1. Catch Yourself in the Loop

     • Notice when your internal dialogue sounds blame-heavy or hopeless (“Why is this happening to me?”).

  2. Pause and Name the Emotion

     • Take a breath and identify underlying feelings (often hurt, fear, disappointment). Most anger is a cover for more vulnerable emotions.

     “When we run to being pissed off and rageful at other people, we're really just not wanting to look at what we're feeling.” (06:00)

  3. Check the Facts, Objectively

     • Ask yourself, preferably on paper:
       • What’s actually true?
       • What am I assuming or exaggerating?
       • Do I really know for sure how someone feels or what they meant?
     • Specifically focus on FACTS—what you know to be true, not your interpretations.

     “Check the facts. F-A-C-T-S, friend.” (07:21)

  4. Own Your Part and Agency

     • Consider your own role in the situation—without self-blame.
     • Ask: How did I contribute here? (Not in a shaming way, but out of curiosity and growth.)

     “Look to yourself and say, well, what's my part in all of this? What did I do that got me to this place?” (08:13)

  5. Choose a Different Response

     • Decide what you can do that supports who you want to be.
     • Remember: The aim is to regain your calm, not to criticize yourself further.

     “Don't turn this activity, which is supposed to bring positivity ... into another opportunity to criticize yourself. This isn't about blaming yourself.” (09:00)

The Payoff: Regaining Power and Calm

• When you stick to facts and recognize your agency, you leave victim mode and reclaim your “grown-up” clarity and steadiness.
• The cycle of stress and resentment calms, replaced by actionable growth.

“When you get out of the story you've been telling yourself and back into the facts, things calm down. You stop spinning. You see your own agency, your own personal power...” (10:24)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Emotional Avoidance:
  “Victim mode is blame. It's avoidance, and it's a usually unconscious refusal to look at our own part in what's going on.” (02:03)

• On Powerlessness:
  “It’s like, familiar, but we hate it. It feels terrible. It gets old.” (03:21)

• On “Check the Facts”:
  “It's basically a way to reality-check our own drama... so when your brain starts spinning a story about how unfair or impossible something is, you can just stop and ask, ‘Wait, what actually happened here?’” (05:10)

• On Personal Responsibility:
  “This is part of personal growth work... What is your accountability? What's happening for you here?” (08:20)

• On Outcome:
  “And then the powerlessness shifts and suddenly you're the grownup in the room again. You're steady and clear and honest.” (11:10)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00 – Introduction: What keeps us stuck in emotional loops
• 01:15 – Recognizing “victim mode” and its impact
• 02:23 – Clarifying actual victimization vs. everyday victim thinking
• 03:21 – Emotional hiding and the familiarity of victim mode
• 05:10 – Introducing DBT “check the facts” skill
• 06:00 – Naming underlying emotions
• 07:21 – How to “check the facts” and what to ask yourself
• 08:13 – Taking responsibility without self-blame
• 09:00 – Using the exercise for growth, not self-criticism
• 10:24 – Regaining agency and calm by facing reality
• 11:10 – Closing encouragement and wrapping the practice

Final Thoughts

Rebecca Hunter delivers a compassionate and practical session for listeners feeling overwhelmed by life’s challenges. She normalizes emotional struggles, offers an easy-to-use tool for breaking out of blame and overthinking, and keeps the tone supportive and relatable throughout. The episode ends with encouragement to keep building self-awareness and to seek deeper support as needed.

“Control what you can by knowing what's happening and ... be in a relationship with yourself in which you're having conversations about you and how you can navigate life differently to create more peace.” — Rebecca Hunter (11:25)