Episode Overview

Podcast: Take Out Therapy: End Overthinking & Overwhelm for Empathic High Achievers
Host: Rebecca Hunter, MSW
Episode: How To Stop Ruminating About Old Relationships & Attachments and Let Go With A Therapy Technique
Date: September 5, 2025

This episode dives into why old relationships, particularly romantic ones, can linger in our thoughts and emotions for years, sometimes even decades. Rebecca Hunter unpacks the neuroscience, attachment theory, and cultural fantasy behind why our brains "get stuck" on unresolved love stories. She also provides practical, therapist-endorsed techniques for anyone hoping to silence these persistent mental loops and reclaim their peace of mind.

Key Themes & Insights

1. The Sticky Nature of Old Relationships (01:01–04:10)

• Old Love as 'Unfinished Business': Rebecca relates a listener's story about decades of rumination over a past love, normalizing the experience by sharing her own memories of a dramatic high school breakup.

  • “Confession. I still sometimes dream about my high school boyfriend… the residue lingers. Dreams, flashes, rumination. This is totally normal.” (02:36)

• Personal Anecdote: She candidly recounts the end of her formative relationship, highlighting the emotional fallout and how such events “really felt like I lost a part of myself.” (03:21)

2. Why We Can’t Let Go: Three Lenses (04:11–08:56)

Rebecca breaks down the "stickiness" of past relationships through three distinct frameworks:

a) The Neuroscience Lens (04:12–05:27)

• First Love and the Brain: Initial romantic experiences wire the brain with spikes of dopamine (the highs) and cortisol (the lows), setting up “addiction-like withdrawal” when the relationship ends.
  • “When the relationship ends… it feels like addiction withdrawal. That’s what our brain goes through in the process of some of these first young loves.” (04:46)

b) The Attachment Lens (05:28–06:40)

• Formation of Self: Teen romances deeply impact our emerging sense of self. Breakups can feel like losing a part of who we are.
• Stored Pain: The body helps to “replay” painful memories to “make sure you don’t make the same mistake again.”
  • “So when we fall in love with somebody and it falls apart, it feels like losing part of ourselves.” (05:49)

c) The Fantasy Lens (06:41–07:58)

• Romanticization by Memory: Cultural narratives and nostalgia cause our brains to replay idealized memories, even if the reality was far from perfect.
  • “Memory romanticizes everything… the past glows brighter than reality, doesn’t it?” (07:17)
• Soothing Unmet Needs: Rumination sometimes reflects boredom or unmet current needs, not genuine longing.

Rebecca’s reminder: “Lingering thoughts don’t mean you secretly want your ex back. They show how powerful attachment is, how painful betrayal is, and how amazing our memory loops are… memory isn’t truth. It’s just a storyteller.” (07:50–08:09)

Practical Tools to Break the Loop (08:57–12:30)

The “Name It to Tame It” Technique (09:09)

• Label the Rumination: By mentally acknowledging “this is just my brain replaying an old tape,” you can disrupt the cycle.
  • “Name what's happening. We talk about this a lot in the therapy office. We say ‘name it to tame it.’ And the reason that this works is when we acknowledge the action of our mind, things settle down a little bit.” (09:13)

Reality Testing

• Anchor in Truth: Balance rose-tinted memories by reminding yourself of the “drama, the betrayal, the chaos—not the fantasy of things.” (10:03)

Closure Rituals: The “Unsent Letter” (10:15)

• Express and Release: Compose a letter to the person (not to be sent), then destroy it or ritualize the release as an act of closure.
  • “Write the unsent letter. Burn that shit, right? Make a mindful acknowledgement ritual of some kind so you can get some closure.” (10:17)

Memorable Quotes & Notable Moments

• “The goal is never to erase the memory, but to stop it from ruining your present day life.” (11:11)
• “It’s normal for old loves to resurface. Love is important. It’s a very powerful emotion that the body and brain don’t just erase.” (10:55–11:05)

Timestamps of Important Segments

• Listener Email and Rebecca’s Story: (00:57–03:34)
• Neuroscience Explanation: (04:11–05:27)
• Attachment Theory Explanation: (05:28–06:26)
• Romanticized Memory/Fantasy Explanation: (06:41–07:58)
• "Name It to Tame It" & Reality Testing: (09:09–10:03)
• Unsent Letter and Ritual Technique: (10:15–10:44)
• Key Takeaways and Encouragement: (11:05–12:10)

Episode Takeaways

• Your brain and attachment system are designed to remember and revisit emotionally charged relationships; it’s not a flaw.
• Acknowledging and labeling intrusive thoughts, reality-checking nostalgic memories, and creating mindful closure rituals can free you from rumination loops.
• You don’t need to eliminate the memory—just its hold over your present.

“You can’t erase the memory, but you can loosen its grip.” – Rebecca Hunter (summarized advice, various points)

For more resources and mini-sessions, visit takeouttherapy.com.