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Take Out Therapy: End Overthinking & Overwhelm for Empathic High Achievers
How To Stop Ruminating About Old Relationships & Attachments and Let Go With A Therapy Technique
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In this episode, you'll discover why old loves can haunt us for decades and what your brain and attachment system have to do with it. Welcome to Takeout Therapy, the podcast for empathic high achievers who are done with overworking, overthinking and overwhelm. I'm Rebecca Hunter, an anxiety expert and therapist here to help you stress less, set better boundaries, and finally relax without guilt. If you're ready to stop people pleasing, take control of your mental health and create real work life balance, you're in the right place. Thanks for listen. Let's get to work. Well, hello there, friend. I'm so glad you showed up for today's session. Make a little time for some personal growth. I like it. In this episode, you'll discover why the brain holds on to old love stories like unfinished business, how attachment ruptures leave a deep imprint, and what actually helps stop these types of rumination loops. You know, I have a reason for this episode. A listener recently sent me an email and told me she's been ruminating on a past love for decades. You know, this is really normal confession. I still sometimes dream about my high school boyfriend. This is a very normal dynamic and it shows how sticky old relationships can be. You guys want to hear one of my stories? Okay, so I dated this guy in high school, of course, my first love, blah, blah, blah, romance, stormy, dramatic, full of betrayal and heartbreak. Your typical high school relationship. It lasted way too long. The ending of the relationship was way longer than the good part, you know, because of the chaos. Ever had one of those? The breaking point, I will confess, is that we decided to stay together for college. And one night, late, I called his dorm room. Another girl answered, basically told me to never call again. How about that for a gut punch? It really felt like I lost a part of myself. Of course, I was 18 years old, so, like, I did kind of lose a part of myself. I got over it after some heartbreak, some heavy drinking, and a regrettable slap that still haunts me because I missed. Anyways, even with new relationships and a whole life built, of course the residue lingers. Dreams, flashes, rumination. This is totally normal. Which is why I'm confessing my story to you, my friend. Here's a little bit of insight about why this happens. When we are trying to let go of relationships. Why do they feel so sticky? Here are three different ways we can kind of look at why these relationships just sort of linger around and they kind of mess with us a little bit. Because we're like, why can't I just move on from this. The first lens we can look at this from is like a neuroscience lens, right? First love, we know through research wires the brain with dopamine for the highs and cortisol in the lows, right? And big painful events lock in memories in the brain. When the relationship ends, it oftentimes, especially if we're young, it feels like addiction withdrawal. That's what our brain grows through in the process of some of these first young loves. Another lens we can look at is the attachment lens. Right? Like when we're teenagers, we're still forming our sense of self. So when we fall in love with somebody and it falls apart, it feels like losing part of ourselves. Unfortunately, the body gets in on this action by storing that pain and replaying it, you know, so you don't make the same mistake again. I know it's really hard for me. I can see an attachment lens in that the adults in my life weren't stable, nor could I be, nor was my high school boyfriend, right? So when things ended, it really made an impact on me about how my relationships might be in the future. So another way we could look at this type of situation is through like a fantasy lens. Because you and me, we grew up watching princesses and princes fall in love and everything being perfect, right? Memory romanticizes everything too. Even though the relationship was super rocky, you might remember all the romantic and wonderful parts of it. The past glows brighter than reality, doesn't it? Rumination can often just be about soothing present day boredom or realizing some unmet needs. Here's the thing though, to remember is that lingering thoughts don't mean you secretly want your ex back. They show how powerful attachment is, how painful betrayal is, and how amazing our memory loops are. We never forget the bad things that happen, right? But remember, memory isn't truth. It's just a storyteller. Okay, so here's a pretty simple strategy for you. If you're somebody who's like, yeah, I'd like to stop thinking about that person. Whether it's an old love, an old friend, or just some person that you don't really want to spend time thinking about, right? Some situation, one thing you have to do is name what's happening. We talk about this a lot in the therapy office. We say name it to tame it. And the reason that this works is when we acknowledge the action of our mind, things settle down a little bit. Like if we acknowledge an emotion or if we acknowledge a thought, or if we just name the pattern, we can kind of pop out of it that way. Actually. So when you find yourself ruminating on things that you don't want to ruminate, like high school boyfriends, you can say, this is just my brain replaying an old tape. Brains do that. They go over and over and over and over thing when nothing's going on, right? It's important though that you come in with the reality check, remembering the truth of things. For me, it would be remembering the drama, the betrayal, the chaos, not the fantasy of things. And a popular piece of advice from a lot of therapists is to write the unsent letter. Letter. Burn that shit, right? Make a mindful acknowledgement ritual of some kind so you can get some closure. Basically, the gist of this technique is just to express yourself and then symbolically, or not symbolically, let it go. So hopefully this will help you. One thing that I want you to know, and the reason that I shared my own silly story, is that it's normal for old loves to resurface. Love is important. It's a very powerful emotion that the body and brain don't just erase. The goal is never to erase the memory, but to stop it from ruining your present day life. Right? So hopefully in this episode you've learned why the brain replays old love stories and how attachment ruptures and hard breakups can kind of deepen the pain. And a really simple strategy to help loosen that rumination if it's bugging you. Thank you so much for spending your time with me today. I really appreciate you being here to do this work and get more information about yourself and your experiences. New sessions are released on Fridays and a mini sesh on Monday mornings. So be sure to subscribe and do a really quick review, would you? So more people can get this type of help. If you haven't yet taken my free class, that will help your overthinking habit. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Just grab it@takeouttherapy.com I'm happy to teach you what I know and remember. While takeout therapy is a great educational resource, always get the level of support that you need for your situation. Head to takeouttherapy.com to stay in the loop and until next time, take really good care of yourself, friend.