Episode Overview

Podcast: Take Out Therapy: End Overthinking & Overwhelm for Empathic High Achievers
Host: Rebecca Hunter, MSW
Episode: People Pleasing Recovery Plan for Overfunctioning, Exhausted, Empathic People
Date: August 22, 2025

Rebecca Hunter explores the roots and realities of people pleasing, especially as it affects empathic, high-achieving adults. She reframes people pleasing not simply as niceness, but as a trauma response and survival mechanism that, if left unchecked, leads to burnout, resentment, and a loss of self. The episode offers listeners a step-by-step plan to recognize, address, and ultimately recover from people pleasing, while sharing relatable personal stories and actionable tools.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining People Pleasing

• People pleasing is more than being nice; it is deeply tied to self-worth and survival responses developed in childhood.
  • “People pleasing isn't kindness, it's management. It's emotional management. It's fear management.” (06:02)
• Many people are unaware of their people pleasing patterns, mistaking them for simple generosity or being a “good” person.
• The exhaustion and inauthenticity that results is often dismissed as simply part of adult life.

2. Origins: The Roots in Childhood

• People pleasing is a trauma response developed to create safety in chaotic, unpredictable, or demanding environments.
  • “So as kids, we learn that when we are approved of by adults, that’s a safe situation for us... making adults comfortable is less chaotic.” (08:40)
• Examples include:
  • Critical teachers
  • Unattainable parent approval
  • Alcoholic or emotionally unpredictable households

3. Consequences in Adult Life

• The old code of “keep people happy = stay safe” no longer serves adults, and becomes suffocating.
• Unchecked people pleasing leads to silent suffering: resentment, overwhelm, invalidation, and a diminished sense of self.
  • “Your brain just remembers this, like, code, which is ‘keep people happy, that’s how we stay safe’. But the problem is now you’re a grown adult, and that same survival strategy is probably slowly suffocating you. Am I right?” (11:00)
• Authenticity and peace—rather than perfection and approval—become increasingly desirable as people start to examine these patterns.

4. Personal Story: Rebecca’s Own Recovery

• Rebecca shares her experience growing up in chaos with alcoholic parents, constantly performing and pleasing to gain attention.
  • “It took me a long time to recognize what was actually happening.” (13:34)
• As an adult, her people pleasing continued in parenting and marriage, leading to a breaking point of exhaustion.
• Even years later, self-awareness is necessary: “I catch myself wanting to people please ... or just being overly performative when everything in my body is telling me no.” (15:17)

5. The Recovery Plan: Concrete Steps

Step 1: Notice When You’re People Pleasing (17:05)

• Catch yourself in the act, e.g.:
  • Saying “yes” too fast
  • Over-functioning (doing for others what they can do)
  • Faking agreement or enthusiasm
• Body cues are key: tension, breath shallow, energy drops, even eye-rolling or regret after agreeing.

Step 2: Identify Your “People Pleasing Zones” (20:52)

• Pick three areas where the pattern shows up most: home, work, friendships, parenting, etc.
• Get curious, not judgmental. Write specific examples.

Step 3: Communicate the Change (22:58)

• Prepare people in your life for changes in your behavior.
  • “It’s super simple to go to the people in your life and just say something like ‘I’ve been over-functioning and I’m working on it. Here’s what that might look like to you.’” (23:10)
• Give heads up to kids, partners, colleagues, e.g., “I’m going to let you make your lunch from now on,” or “I’m adjusting my work boundaries.”

Step 4: Practice New Behaviors (26:25)

• Pause before responding to requests—become a “maybe” person instead of an automatic “yes.”
  • “You’ve trained the people in your life that you’re a yes person, and now you need to train them that you’re a maybe person.” (26:47)
• Listen to your body: heaviness, tension = probably “no”; lightness, connection = probably “yes.”
• Expect imperfection; you’ll get it wrong sometimes, and that’s normal.

6. Why This Matters: Dangers of People Pleasing

• Maintains a state of survival mode (“elevated nervous system”).
• Causes disconnection from intuition, boundaries, authentic life.
  • “People pleasing disconnects you from your intuition, from what you know that you need to do... you don’t have any boundaries.” (32:20)
• Recovery is about making room for oneself, not becoming selfish.
  • “We don’t just suddenly become a selfish jerk. We just become authentic and at peace. It’s literally just about making some room for yourself.” (33:12)

7. Empowerment and Choice

• There is no judgment—people can choose this work when ready.
  • “The way you choose to live is yours to decide. That’s the definition of empowered.” (36:30)
• People pleasing is a response to past pain, but doesn’t have to dictate the present.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the true nature of people pleasing:

  "If you're a people pleaser, you're disappearing into your own life. People pleasing isn't kindness, it's management. It's emotional management. It's fear management."
  — Rebecca Hunter (06:02)

• On the survival instinct in adulthood:

  "Your brain just remembers this, like, code, which is 'keep people happy, that's how we stay safe'. But the problem is now you’re a grown adult, and that same survival strategy is probably slowly suffocating you."
  — Rebecca Hunter (11:00)

• On the importance of pausing:

  "You’ve trained the people in your life that you’re a yes person, and now you need to train them that you’re a maybe person."
  — Rebecca Hunter (26:47)

• On setting boundaries and authenticity:

  "People pleasing disconnects you from your intuition, from what you know that you need to do... you don’t have any boundaries."
  — Rebecca Hunter (32:20)

• On self-acceptance and empowerment:

  "The way you choose to live is yours to decide. That’s the definition of empowered."
  — Rebecca Hunter (36:30)

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |-----------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:00 | Introduction—Reframing people pleasing and episode purpose | | 06:02 | People pleasing is not kindness, but management; hidden exhaustion | | 08:40 | Childhood survival responses and emotional safety | | 11:00 | When the old “keep people happy" code fails in adulthood | | 13:34 | Rebecca’s personal story of chaos and people pleasing in adult relationships| | 17:05 | How to notice and identify people pleasing behaviors in everyday life | | 20:52 | Identifying your main “people pleasing zones” and documenting patterns | | 22:58 | How to communicate changes to others in your life | | 26:25 | Practical behavior changes—pausing, using body cues, and self-coaching | | 32:20 | The cost of people pleasing: survival mode, boundaries, disconnection | | 33:12 | Embracing authenticity, not selfishness—making room for self | | 36:30 | Empowerment, choice, and recovering from past pain |

Resources & Takeaways

• Action Step: Start with one step at a time—notice, document, communicate, and practice.
• Reminder: People pleasing is a learned response; it can be unlearned, and recovery is imperfect but possible.
• Further Support: Rebecca encourages listeners to book a consult call for deeper work or take her free class at takeouttherapy.com.

Tone: Warm, candid, and practical—Rebecca Hunter offers compassionate guidance, personal stories, and “real talk” that resonates with sensitive, high-achieving listeners who are ready to become more authentic and less overwhelmed.