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In this episode, you'll discover why being overly controlling backfires, how it sabotages trust at work and at home, and the first step toward letting go without losing stability. Welcome to Takeout Therapy, the podcast for empathic high achievers who are done with overworking, overthinking and overwhelm. I'm Rebecca Hunter, a therapist and an anxiety expert here to help you stress less, set better boundaries, and finally relax without guilt. If you're ready to stop people pleasing, take control of your mental health. Create real work life balance. You're in the right place. Thanks for listening. Let's get to work. Well, hello there friend. I'm so happy you popped in for today's session. It's not going to be a long one, but I think it's going to be important. In this episode you're going to discover why control feels safe in the moment, but sabotages connection, how over controlling behavior creates problems at both work and in parenting. And I'll give you a powerful reframe to move away from control and toward collaboration. It's super interesting with this subject because people come to see me when they are so burnt out, overwhelmed, exhausted and just kind of done. And it's interesting because they feel like they're trying to hold everything together on their own. And honestly, when we peel back the curtain on that, what I see and what we end up having to deal with is control. So many people equate being controlling with being competent, believing that being on top of everything makes them a better leader or a great parent. But the truth is controlling behavior erodes trust and it leaves behind a wake of fear, frustration, disconnection. So let's talk about this subject. It's important to really understand controlling behavior and the hidden damage that can occur because of it. You know, I want to make it really clear what type of control I am talking about because I'm actually not talking about abusive control. I'm talking about like everyday controlling behavior, micromanaging people around you to make sure that everything goes well and they don't drop any balls, having difficulty delegating things to people that are perfectly capable. Right. I'm talking about correcting mistakes on the regular that other people have made, maybe even nitpicking or insisting things be done the right way, AKA your way, right at home. What this looks like is stepping in to fix problems and issues instead of just letting kids or the other adults in the house learn through their mistakes and work things out at work. What it looks like is watching everyone and every detail, editing every email, redoing other people's work or just flat out not delegating any work because you don't want it messed up. I know it feels like competence, but what controlling behavior is, is it's anxiety. Wearing a mask of authority. That's the best way I can put it. It's like anxiety is hiding behind the scenes, acting like it has everything taken care of. The question becomes, why do we do it? Why do we act so controlling sometimes? Well, at the bottom of most things lies one emotion. Fear. It's why we do a lot of stuff, right? So when we think about why would we be running around micromanaging, correcting people, nitpicking, wanting things to be the right way? Well, we're afraid that things might get messed up, that the project of our life might be a failure, that we might be a failure. Right. We're afraid of chaos. We want to keep things, you know, kind of like wrapped up a little bit. Controlling what we can feels like protection in a way against that vulnerability that fear presents. But the bad news is controlling behavior has an impact at work. Teams shut down. Full grown adults don't like to be controlled, Right? Creativity stalls. The more hemmed in people get, the more they disengage. Where there was once respect, there is now resentment. I work with a lot of people that lead teams at big companies and this is something that companies need to be paying attention to, that grown people don't always need to be micromanaged. It's always sad to me when that's part of a company culture because it's not good business at home. When we have controlling behavior, kids do one of three things. They're either obedient, they're rebellious, or they kind of depend on us for everything. Instead of when we sort of let go and hang back, they develop confidence and resilience. Overall, the harder that control is applied, the more controlling we become, the more disconnection grows. It's such a lonely feeling too. Relationships become really tense and one sided, leaving the controller and exhausted because they're just trying to do way too much stuff. Are you relating to this? There's definitely been times of my life where it was chaotic. Like when the kids were really little. Oh. And I would get into these spells of feeling like I needed to have control over everything and starting to get kind of nitpicky. Right. I want things done this way. These things go here and these need to be folded this way. And this day is when we do this thing, it can get a little out of hand. Right. And what I Actually really wanted. And I know probably what you want, too, is just to have a peaceful life, maybe raise some kids who are confident, independent, and connected. Have a work environment where people are bringing creativity and ownership into projects. It's way more fun that way. And then life becomes filled with trust, respect, and collaboration. Instead of you feeling like you're pushing a rock up the hill. When I used to play tennis, my coach used to say, pretend that the handle of your racket is a baby bird when you're hitting the ball. I have a tendency to hold on a little too tightly, metaphorically and literally. And he would always shout across the net, okay, Rebecca, you just killed the baby bird. Try again. You know, we hold on really tightly sometimes, and we don't even know we're doing it. So can I help you out a little bit? If you're somebody who wants to let go of some things, let go of the illusion that you have control over things and hang back a little in your life and see what happens. I can help you out with that. The first thing that I always ask people when we get into this conversation is, what are you afraid of? What are you afraid of might happen if you didn't do this for your kid? What are you worried might happen if you didn't correct your husband or get him to do things the way that you do them? What do you think might happen if you stop telling people on your team to do things more than one time and allow them the natural consequences of their action? This question, what am I afraid will happen if I let go? Here is such an important part of pivoting out of controlling behavior. Because most of the time, what we're afraid of is kind of silly, right? But more importantly is that it puts us in direct relationship with our self. So instead of directing our need to control outwards, now we're having a more deep and insightful conversation with ourself about what's happening for us that's causing us to be so controlling. I remember, actually I was in therapy when my kids were young, and my therapist was fantastic at motivational interviewing, which is like being a good question asker. And this is a question that she would ask me a lot. I was a little controlling. I've done better now because I've shifted from directing other people to guiding other people. I started doing this with my kids and just saw amazing results. It's just basically this idea that you replace telling somebody what to do about a problem with asking them, what do you think you might do about this problem? Or what Is it that you need from me to help you be successful? Right. It's just going from being kind of bossy to being curious. Actually, the first time I ever heard of this technique was when I read the Explosive Child by Ross Green. It's a book about collaborating with kids who can be difficult instead of trying to control them, which shockingly gets them to follow instructions better. Who knew? Right? And then the last thing I would say is if you're trying to pivot and let go of controlling behavior. Practice presence. Did you listen to this week's mini episode? It was a little five minute mindfulness practice. Just practice being present in the environment, looking at people's faces, listening to their voice, hearing tone. Connection grows through attunement, meaning like resonating with people, getting on the same page, not controlling them, not managing them, and not fixing things for them. So if you want to move out of controlling behavior and learn to let go of things a little bit, that's all you gotta do. Ask the question, what am I afraid will happen if I let go here? Shift from directing people to being more curious with people and being a good guide for them. And then on always, always, always must I hammer this home every week. Practice being present. It's really important because fear takes over when we're not present and then we don't know what the hell we're doing. Basically, trying to control everything in life is an absolute illusion of safety and stability and consistency. Real stability comes from trust. It comes from connection and definitely collaboration. I'm hoping in this episode you've learned why control is rooted in fear, not strength, and how it backfires at both work and in parenting. And hopefully you appreciated my small but powerful way to shift from control toward collaboration. You know, being controlling is really difficult because I've been there and done that and it's a heavy burden. Connection is what we're all craving and that's really what we're trying to get at anyway. So I hope this was helpful. Thank you so much for spending your time with me today. I really appreciate you being here and doing this work. When you show up and do your work, it inspires the people in your life to go do theirs too. Every Friday I release a 20 minute session and Mondays are for your 5 minute mini sesh. Be sure to subscribe and please do a quick review of the podcast so more people can find this kind of help. That's how it all works. Speaking of which, if you haven't taken my free, newly revamped class, that will help you stop overthinking everything to death. Yeah, I see you there. Just grab it@takeouttherapy.com I'll teach you what actually works. And remember, takeout therapy is a great educational resource, but always get the level of support you need for your situation. Head to takeouttherapy.com to stay in the loop and until next time, take really good care of yourself, friend.