Episode Overview

Title: Therapy Skills To Stop Being Controlling; Reduce Overwhelm And Get Some Inner Peace Back
Host: Rebecca Hunter, MSW
Air Date: September 12, 2025
Theme:
Rebecca Hunter explores the hidden costs of everyday controlling behaviors—at work, at home, and within ourselves. She discusses why attempts at control are really anxiety in disguise, how it erodes trust and connection, and offers concrete therapy skills to shift from control to collaboration, bringing back peace and connection.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Illusion of Control and Its Costs

• Controlling Behavior Defined:
  Rebecca clarifies she's addressing everyday control—micromanaging, inability to delegate, correcting and nitpicking, not abusive control.
  • Home Examples: Stepping in instead of letting others—especially children or partners—make and learn from mistakes.
  • Work Examples: Redoing others’ work, editing excessively, never delegating.
• Quote:

  "What controlling behavior is, is it's anxiety wearing a mask of authority..." – Rebecca (04:12)

• Root Cause:
  The need to control comes from fear—of chaos, of things going wrong, of failure. By controlling, people try to protect themselves from vulnerability.

2. Impact of Controlling Behavior

• Workplace Effects:
  • Teams shut down, creativity stalls, and people feel resentful rather than respected.
  • “Full grown adults don’t like to be controlled...Creativity stalls...people disengage.” – Rebecca (06:50)
• At Home:
  • Children become obedient, rebellious, or dependent—instead of resilient and confident.
  • Relationships grow tense and one-sided, leaving the controller exhausted and lonely.
  • “The harder that control is applied…the more disconnection grows. It’s such a lonely feeling too.” – Rebecca (09:38)

3. Recognizing Control in Action

Rebecca shares personal anecdotes—like becoming “nitpicky” during chaotic times as a parent—highlighting how easily well-intentioned competence can land as over-control.

• Quote:

  "I have a tendency to hold on a little too tightly, metaphorically and literally." – Rebecca (11:42)

• Tennis Metaphor:
  Her coach’s advice: Hold the racket like a baby bird—too tight and you “kill the baby bird.”
  • “We hold on really tightly sometimes, and we don’t even know we’re doing it.” – Rebecca (12:15)

4. Therapy Skills to Let Go of Control

A. Identify the Underlying Fear

• Ask Yourself:
  “What am I afraid will happen if I let go here?”
  • This question brings the focus inward, moving from outward directing to inward insight.
  • Most fears unravel once examined.
  • “Most of the time, what we're afraid of is kind of silly, right?” – Rebecca (14:31)

B. Shift from Directing to Guiding

• Move from telling to asking. Replace instructions with questions:
  • “What do you think you might do about this problem?”
  • “What do you need from me to help you succeed?”
• Reference:
  Rebecca credits The Explosive Child by Ross Greene for inspiring collaborative approaches.
  • "It's just going from being kind of bossy to being curious." – Rebecca (16:01)

C. Practice Presence

• Develop mindfulness and attunement; notice faces, voices, tones.
• Connection thrives through being present—not fixing or managing.
  • “Connection grows through attunement—getting on the same page, not controlling…” – Rebecca (17:50)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Control & Anxiety:

  "What controlling behavior is, is it's anxiety wearing a mask of authority." – Rebecca (04:12)

• On Parenting & Control:

  "Kids do one of three things: they're either obedient, rebellious, or they kind of depend on us for everything." – Rebecca (08:42)

• On Work Culture:

  "Grown people don’t always need to be micromanaged. It’s always sad to me when that's part of a company culture because it's not good business." – Rebecca (07:22)

• Simple Reframe on Control:

  “Ask the question, what am I afraid will happen if I let go here?” – Rebecca (14:21)

• The Real Cure:

  “Real stability comes from trust. It comes from connection and definitely, collaboration.” – Rebecca (18:55)

Timestamps of Important Segments

• (02:10) – Why control feels safe and competent, but really erodes trust
• (04:12) – “Control = Anxiety in disguise” explained
• (06:50) – The impact on work: team shut down, resentment
• (08:42) – The impact on parenting: obedience, rebellion, or dependence
• (11:42) – Personal story: gripping too tightly in parenting and tennis metaphor
• (14:21) – The core “what am I afraid of if I let go?” question
• (16:01) – Replacing directives with curiosity and collaboration
• (17:50) – Mindfulness and presence as antidotes to controlling tendencies
• (18:55) – True stability comes from trust and connection

Actionable Takeaways

• Notice when you’re controlling out of fear, not strength.
• Ask yourself: What am I afraid will happen if I stop controlling here?
• Shift from directing to guiding – use open questions and curiosity.
• Practice being present and attuned, rather than fixing or micromanaging.

Conclusion

Rebecca concludes that being controlling is an exhausting, lonely burden—and, crucially, it's neither necessary nor effective for building the connection and stability empathic high achievers crave. With awareness, curiosity, and a presence-focused approach, listeners can begin to let go, foster trust, and create more peaceful relationships at home and work.

“When you show up and do your work, it inspires the people in your life to go do theirs too.” – Rebecca (19:30)