Rebecca Hunter (0:00)

In this episode, you'll discover the biggest thing that's causing you so much distraction and how it's sneaking around in every corner of your life. And of course, I'll help you figure a way out of it. Welcome to Takeout Therapy, the podcast for empathic high achievers who are done with overworking, overthinking and overwhelm. I'm Rebecca Hunter, an anxiety expert and therapist helping busy, big hearted people like you learn practical skills to quiet your RA facing mind, overcome self doubt and actually be present in your life. If that sounds good to you, you're in the right place. Visit takeouttherapy.com for more resources, classes and programs. Thanks for listening. Let's get to work. Well hello there friend. I'm so glad you showed up for today's session because you're about to get a Rebecca Hunter style butt kicking. No you're not. But I do think it's really important to talk about difficult things on the podcast that we all have to deal with in this episode. You'll discover so a few weeks ago I went to an art retreat. I met up with my sister over in Santa Cruz and we went to Andrea Garvey's art retreat. I learned all about sketching, which P.S. apparently I know how to do, and more about watercolor painting, which is quickly becoming one of my favorite hobbies. It was a rejuvenating and inspiring weekend and I really intended to keep it up. You know, the art. Every day I wanted to do a little sketching, little painting. It doesn't take very long, but alas, the usual routine has crept in. Technology has taken over art again. It's so frustrating for me. For as long as I've been a therapist, the pain of distraction has always been a topic in my office. It's really hard to be with someone who's distracted with their technology and it comes up. It's painful, it's incredibly lonely. But it's also really hard to be the one who struggles to be present and leans too heavily into technology. Both sides require work. So if this is you and you are struggling to be present in your life, I want to help you get on a different track because honestly, there's so much to lose in this whole thing. I want to talk about this idea about distraction, which is where most people come in talking about what's going on. I'm so distracted, I can't focus. I'm unmotivated. The distraction I will specifically discuss today is whatever the heck you're listening to, looking at and reading on a Screen device. I'm talking about the act of dissociating in the middle of our lives that we pretend is not a big deal. Dissociation is a word that I'm using quite purposefully today to illustrate the way we just disappear into the machines while we're sitting in a room with other people. Oftentimes dissociation is a clinical term. We use it to describe when people, because of too much stress or trauma, are able to just dip like go somewhere else while staying in the exact same place. Sometimes people lose a little bit of time where they feel kind of numb, where they feel like they're just watching themselves from the outside. You can feel very disconcerting to dissociate. I think what's interesting, and I want to mention before I really dig into this, is that our body is capable of doing this dissociation thing. This, just checking out this, this disappearance act while we're sitting in the same spot. This zoning out thing. Our body and brain work together to make this happen. When the system doesn't think that we can tolerate whatever's going on in our external environment and actually sometimes in our internal environment, dissociation is very interesting, but it's also incredibly protective. Right. What I want to talk about today is what I see because many people can't really tolerate the current moment even when there's nothing wrong. We dissociate using technology all day, every day, even when we don't need to be on technology. Modern day dissociation is rampant and it's wreaking havoc on our ability to focus for any amount of time, connect with each other or communicate effectively at this point. Here's what I think. I'm just going to be honest. People have no idea what we can and can't handle anymore because we've integrated this distraction via technology so deeply into our coping systems. But I promise you, when things feel tense or boring, watch how quickly you head for whatever the magic box is. Whether it's a computer for Netflix or video game console or the phone for Instagram or porn or gambling. I could go on. We do this completely below the line of consciousness, meaning we don't know this is happening. We don't know why it's happening. We just feel the incredible frustration. And our inability to stop turning to technology all the time, giving priority to mind numbing, wasteful activities on magic boxes, messes with our brain's ability to actually focus and generate motivation when we want it to. Overusing and over reliance on technology makes people feel off kilter. I See it all the time. People feel crappy, they're out of their values and they're really disconnected. Disconnection due to overuse of technology wreaks havoc on our nervous system. It uses more energy in our brain than we actually have to give. And it diminishes our emotional capacity to actually deal with regular, everyday stuff that's going on that's really happening. It's sad because this addictive and habitual technology hopping that some people do all day long, it puts you out of touch with your life that you're probably working your butt off to have created and the people that you probably chose to be in it with you. You know, it's very frustrating and very difficult. And I talk with people a lot about this. One of the things is the ability to focus. And that's how this issue tends to come up. But when we lack the ability to focus, we start to get really overwhelmed and then we start to feel a lack of progress in our life towards our goals. And that is not good for our relationship with ourself. Our self esteem suffers. So now we're at war with ourselves. Most people don't really understand that the root cause of all of that is the distraction. It's the hopping from one piece of technology to another all day long until bedtime. And it's really hard on the other side of that picture too. Because when you can't get the attention, the connection of the people that you care about, it's easy to get very quickly disconnected. It's something that people in long term relationship complain about. They want that connection, but their partner has their head in their phone. When we're willing to be present and then no one is able to show up, it is literally the loneliest feeling in the world. There's nothing lonelier than sitting in a room looking to connect. And every person is on their cell phone. It's not just about the cell phone. Recognizing the role that all of the technology plays in your life is incredibly important to your mental health, to your level of focus, to your motivation, and to your connectedness. Because if you can let go of technology a little bit and start to show up in your life to what's actually happening, that is a great place to begin to figure out what's going on there. Oftentimes we use technology to avoid what's going on there or to talk about what's going on there. You can't ignore things for very long before they just start falling apart. The great news is you can absolutely figure out better ways to handle stress than disappearing into the tech, to the video games, to the Netflix, to the Reddit, to the YouTube. Some days I go from one thing to the next. We can show up better in life. We can show up and be present and make eye contact and start to figure out how to directly communicate our way through the things that show up. There's a possibility of being able to start to reconnect in your life in ways that you've been wanting to really wanting to, but just couldn't figure out how. So first, I want to help you separate out a little bit from this technology issue and see how it feels when you just show up and try to be present. Now, usually at this point in the podcast, I'll give you a case study or talk about my own personal example, but today I'm just going to give you some research, friend, because then you can start to understand this rat maze of technology, the issues it causes, and the everyday dissociation that you and I are both experiencing. I think data helps us understand things. They've been studying technology for a long time. Have you ever heard of the fubbing effect? It's basically when you're hanging out with somebody and they check their phone during conversations. Even the presence of a phone has been shown through research without even using the damn thing. Even the presence of a phone lowers the quality of face to face interactions. It reduces the amount of empathy that people are able to tap into the amount of connection we're able to feel. Therefore, it impacts our satisfaction in our relationships. When people check their phones during conversations, it signals disinterest or disconnection, even if they don't mean it. Even though we think these little habits are harmless, they can undermine the connection that we're trying to get at in our life. Dan Siegel is an expert in this topic, and one of the things that he says is when you're always inputting digital information into your brain, it creates a disintegrated brain state, meaning you're fragmenting your brain's ability to pay attention, to regulate your emotions, and to connect with other human beings. You see, attention is the gatekeeper of connection. If we can't direct and sustain attention, we lose access to presence and emotional resonance. Distraction isn't just about time management. It's a nervous system issue, friend. In 2017, which you know is eight years ago, they were already studying the impact of social media on people's mental health. They are saying that heavy social media users is more than two hours a day or like really frequent check ins. Oh, raise Your hand. If you're spending that much time on any social Media, I consider YouTube, Reddit, all the metas, the TikToks and all this. It's all social media. The research shows that those people reported feeling socially isolated despite being completely connected online, which proves that digital interaction doesn't equal emotional nourishment. And in fact, it's a great way to avoid deep, more difficult emotions. So we have to look at this, and today I'll give you some ideas about how you can get going with that. And I will just cop to it right now and say, I am working on this too. We all work on computers. Our cell phones are our lifeline to our life. And who doesn't watch YouTube? I mean, come on, you can learn literally anything there. So, like, I'm standing beside you and my hand is on your back. Today, as we talk about a decent strategy for getting a handle on the fire hose of stimulation that is pretty much the underbelly of probably a lot of your trouble. So the most important thing that you need to understand that has to happen is you have to interrupt the input. You have to cut off the fire hose of stimulation that is running your life rampant. Okay? Distraction and lack of focus and lack of motivation. Those things all thrive on endless incoming crap like. Like notifications, screens popping up, people popping in, noises happening. You have to interrupt the input. You have to set boundaries, and you have to keep those boundaries. And how I would do that is I would say a boundary is a rule that you have for yourself, not for others. Be purposeful with your tech use. Set rules. There are a million. You might have to go on Instagram to look them up. No, I'm just kidding. It's things like put your phone in another room, put it on do not disturb, Put it on grayscale, don't use it in the bathroom, don't charge it in your bedroom. Read a book. And. And the other thing is, like, when you start setting boundaries, you might realize you have an issue. And I would say, like, that's okay. I think a lot of people have an issue. Just deal with it, Call somebody, get an expert, get a therapist, get a coach, do a program, get some help, it's okay. But set boundaries. And if you can't set boundaries, get help. That's a boundary too, right? Cut off the fire hose of stimulation. When you're on a computer, only have tabs up, which you are working on. Don't leave all your tabs up. It's not good for you. Just only work on what you're working on that is super helpful in terms of interrupting the input and friend. When it's not working time, it's not working time. You work at home, people, y' all have no boundaries around what is work time and what is your life time? You know, the reason you're working? So I want to help you get a handle on that because you deserve to get out there and have a little fun, you know, like, just chill out a little bit. And another great way to interrupt the input is just to practice having just quiet time. Teach your brain that it's okay if you're not doing anything. You know, go find somewhere to just sit down for five minutes and observe your environment and just see. You're going to notice things come up and how it feels. You're going to get real straight with yourself on where you're at with this thing. And here's what I'll say. All the time. People come in, they're all pissed off because they can't focus, and they're really distracted, and they're like, what's going on with me? And we get to this. We get to this conversation about technology. And they said, well, you don't understand, Rebecca. I'm running my business. My clients need to be able to reach me all the time. My boss needs to be able to get in touch with me. I have to have my phone. I got to check my email, blah, blah. If you tell me you can't, I will tell you that you're making a choice. And presence is also a choice. And there's room for both. It's not black and white. It's an ongoing project. So here's the thing. If you find yourself and you're like, oh, my gosh, here I am again on technology, Close the firehose. Just limit your input right away. And then what you want to do is anchor yourself with something tangible and singular. People try to do all these things at one time. And I'm like, no, no. One at a time. So it can be one of the three following things. A physical task. You can wash your dishes. You can organize a drawer. You could take a walk. I like doing sketching or watercolors. Right. I play ball with my dog or I ask my husband all kinds of weird and curious questions. That is also a task. Right? You can breathe because breathing kind of helps to reorient your nervous system to the present moment. Box breathing is amazing. Breathing in very deeply and then out for a super long time. That is also very helpful. Breathe. Or you can ask yourself A question like, what's really important to me right now? What do I want from my. How do I want to feel right now? What do I need to be doing? Here's the thing. You don't have to be motivated to anchor yourself. You have to choose presence over the spiral of life. And doesn't it just spiral? It just. It's like life is the Tasmanian Devil, you know, and we're all just trying to stay standing. I think the last thing that I'll leave you with is it's really important for you to name what's going on. What are you avoiding? Most chronic distraction via technology is emotional avoidance in disguise. Yeah. See, there's a secret from behind the therapist door. Yeah. We spiral into, like, what else can I possibly do besides feel this shit? That's just the way humans are. And so it takes a willingness to just step back from that a little bit to go like, okay, well, what am I doing? Why am I on my phone? Look up, look around me. What's going on for me right now? Right. Like, maybe this environment that I'm in right now is really overwhelming. I remember feeling like that a lot when my kids were little. It's a lot. It's easy to just, like, dip and dissociate and just be like, I'll check back in later. Right. But I think it's important to have insight in our lives and to see ourselves. So always be able to name what's happening for you and have that be okay. Yeah, I'm totally overwhelmed. Or I'm just so fried right now. You know what? I hear this so much. Like, I'm just so fried and that's what I'm doing there. Maybe reach a little deeper there. What do you mean, fried? Like, you had a big day at work and you used all your think aparts too much. Like, you're emotionally exhausted and you have a lot of problems you aren't working through. Like, what do you mean by fried? Get a little bit deeper there. What do you not want to be feeling right now? What maybe do. Are you pretending doesn't really need your attention? This is. These are some good questions to get a little bit more information about what's happening for you so that you can just break the trance, arrive on the scene with yourself, have a little empathy for the fact that life is bananas and we're all a little fried. And yes, we totally turn to our technology, but you can change that. You can choose something different, and if you need help with that, just reach out. I hope this helps you. And it's really hard if you're on the other side of this too. And so I just want to end by talking about that because so many spouses come to me and they're heartbroken and they're disconnected from their people. And when I ask what gets in the way, they always mention technology. Like she goes from her phone to the computer to the TV and then to bed. Or he's constantly on the Facebook and it's all he talks about. He gets all pissed off about everything all the time. Technology energy is ruining our ability to focus, to be present in our lives. And most importantly, it sabotages our relationship with ourselves and also with the people that we care about. So I say we because I'm right here doing this work beside you and I will be quite focused on this issue in the short term. I'm going to travel over the next few weeks after I record this episode. So I'm bringing my sketchbook and my travel watercolor set and I'm going to go extreme low tech mode. And I have a little bit of a concern that I won't want to come back to work, which typically happens. But you know, I'll let you know. I'll send you a postcard. Now, of course I want to come back to work because I love being here with you guys and I love helping people out in all my programs. Right Now I'm accepting three new people for my 90 day intensive mental health education and Reset program. You get access to every single piece of educational content I've ever developed and you also get to be on my Slack channel where you basically have me in your pocket between all of our sessions. Now that is a great use of technology, isn't it? I hope in this episode I have taught you that chronic distraction is actually a little emotional avoidance and a lot of nervous system overwhelm. I hope you understand how technology based dissociation undermines our relationships and our trust in ourselves. And hopefully my little strategy tips will help you reclaim presence, focus and connection one little shift at a time. You're not broken, friend. You're totally overstimulated. This world is bananas. Let's both slow it all down together. Thank you so much for spending your time with me today. New sessions are released every Friday and I've recently added that tiny little session on Monday mornings to help you out. And if you've not taken my free, newly revamped class, that will help you to stop overthinking things to death. Just grab it@takeouttherapy.com I'm always happy to teach you what I know and remember. While takeout therapy is a great educational resource, always get the level of support that you need for your situation. Head to takeouttherapy.com to stay in the loop until next time. Take really good care of yourself, friend.