Podcast Summary: Talkaboutable with Dr. Susan Swick

Episode: "How Do I Raise Emotionally Intelligent & Responsible Men?"
Release Date: November 4, 2025
Host: Dr. Susan Swick
Guest: Single father of 21-year-old twin sons

Episode Overview

This episode centers on the challenges of parenting young adult men, especially through the transitional period between adolescence and full adulthood. Dr. Susan Swick talks with a single father raising 21-year-old identical twin sons, exploring issues around fostering emotional intelligence, responsibility, and the delicate balance between stepping in and letting go as children become adults. The conversation candidly covers anxiety, mental health, family hardship, intergenerational dynamics, and the unique experiences—both messy and joyous—of parenting sons into manhood.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Family Dynamics and Background

• The guest is a single father; his 21-year-old twin sons and elderly parents live together in California.
• The boys work and study together, attending the same community college and having part-time jobs at the same restaurant (host and to-go orders).
• The household also includes the father's parents, who have health issues: his father is a stubborn kidney transplant recipient prone to denying illness, and his mother is recently retired and struggling with back problems and medication adjustments.
  Timestamp: 01:34–04:16

The Twins’ Strengths and Individual Journey

• Older brother: Loyal, goal-oriented, and determined, particularly with academics and career. He makes sacrifices for long-term success—traits the father admires, noting, “That’s something I don’t think I did at his age.” (04:06)
• Younger brother: Diagnosed with Tourette’s in middle school, he experienced dark times but developed resilience, coping skills, and deep empathy. He is emotionally healthy and seeks help when needed.
• The boys have learned from their challenges, and their strengths were described as “incredible superpowers” by Dr. Swick.
  Timestamp: 04:16–05:52

Navigating Young Adulthood: Letting Go vs. Stepping In

• The father describes the challenge of the “gray area” as his sons are no longer children but aren’t fully adults:
  • “Trying to parent in this large gray area has been really hard for me…when to pull back and let them make their own decisions or when to step in.” (06:10)
• Examples given include managing appointments (therapy, dentist), with the father struggling to let natural consequences (like incurring fees for missed appointments) teach lessons rather than micromanaging.
  • Now he has them pay back missed-appointment fees: “I make them pay me back…It’s a consequence in real time.” (08:02)
• Dr. Swick reflects on how parents shift from “management to consulting”:
  • “You’ve gone from management to consulting…Now they may depend on you for some financial resources, but you kind of wait for them to come to you…It’s just a time of growing worry.” (10:06)
    Timestamp: 06:10–10:06

Parenting Sons: Emotional Openness & Mental Health

• Discussion on societal expectations for boys to suppress emotions:
  • Dr. Swick notes: “Sometimes boys have a harder time coming with a problem that may be about self doubt or feelings…they may not have that common language of chatting about it with their friends.” (14:15)
• Father's sons are more emotionally open than some peers, partly due to their experiences with anxiety and therapy.
• Older son: Severe anxiety, particularly before new semesters, obsessively researching professors and seeking reassurance:
  • "He'll spend hours going on ratemyprofessor.com…He’ll read to me all the comments about a teacher that he has, but it’s for an hour and the next day it’s the same comments.” (15:17)
  • The boy eventually agreed to therapy after a long period of resistance, but the father had to set up and initiate everything.
• Parenting response: The father struggles between providing reassurance and feeling frustrated with repeated anxious behaviors.
  • “Sometimes I get angry, sometimes I get frustrated…sometimes I said, ‘Hey, stop. Knock it off.’ And then I know I acted out of impulse and anger, and that was wrong. And I go back and apologize.” (20:03)
    Timestamp: 14:15–21:29

The Cost of Caring: Parental Anxiety, Guilt, and Growth

• The father shares the emotional toll of supporting a child with special needs and feeling overwhelmed:
  • “There’s times when… I would just lock myself in my room and cry…tears of what’s his life going to be like, what’s going to happen at school tomorrow…this sound is really annoying me… I’m embarrassed to say that, but you know, it’s really human.” (20:58)
• Dr. Swick reassures: “As parents, I sometimes say that it’s like getting a PhD in anxiety—you care so much about them…”
• The importance of letting kids struggle safely:
  • “You have to watch them fall and fail and struggle and suffer…and that’s so hard to do.” (23:14)

Timestamp: 20:58–23:14

Coparent Relationship and Family Identity

• The twin boys' parents were never married and split up before their birth. The boys primarily live with their dad; their mother has “her own demons” and other children, but relations are civil. The father values presenting a unified front:
  • "It was important to me…we’re still your parents and we’re a unified front, so there’s no splitting, no manipulating.” (24:27)
• A memorable text from the boys’ mother:
  • “Every day I thank God that you raised the boys instead of me.” (25:14)
• Dr. Swick affirms the father's achievements, emphasizing the unique challenges of raising twins. Timestamp: 23:22–27:35

Health Crisis: Modeling Vulnerability

• The father recounts a major health scare (heart failure requiring surgery):
  • His family shielded the boys from the immediacy and severity of the situation until a follow-up appointment where a surgeon remarked, “He almost died, right?”—the first time one son realized the full gravity.
  • The father struggles with whether to share his health issues or anxiety with his sons, “I don’t want them to worry. You know, it’s like, ‘Hey, you have the world on your shoulders. You don’t need…’” (31:07)
• Lessons in vulnerability: The father shares how he once explained his fear of driving (possibly related to medical issues) to his sons to cancel a trip:
  • "Their response was, 'Whatever. We don’t go. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.' Of course I started crying…I try to always be Superman, but guess what? I do have my kryptonite.” (35:27)
  • Dr. Swick: “It actually takes enormous bravery to…tell people you love something true about yourself…and your boys are lucky to have a dad who can model that.” (36:39)
    Timestamp: 29:25–39:46

Role Modeling & Building Support Networks

• Dr. Swick encourages the father to make space for his own support, observing both how he cares for his parents and how sons may soon want to care for him.
• Importance of open communication:
  • “If there’s anything going on with my health, I’m going to let you know… If you ever see something or you’re worried about me, ask me. And I promise that if I need something from you, I’ll let you know. Right? It’s a two-way street.” (42:57)
• The journey continues as the family transitions, with the boys approaching true independence and the father acknowledging he needs and deserves care and support, too.
  Timestamp: 40:27–44:39

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On parenting adult sons:
  • “Trying to parent in this large gray area has been really hard for me, and it’s, you know, when to pull back and let them make their own decisions or when to step in.” — Father (06:10)
• On letting natural consequences teach:
  • “I make them pay me back…It’s a consequence in real time. And I remember when I was their age making money, if I had to give up a hundred bucks, I would have lost it.” — Father (08:02)
• On male emotional openness:
  • “Sometimes boys have a harder time coming with a problem that may be about self doubt or about feelings…it can be harder because they may not have sort of that common language.” — Dr. Swick (14:15)
• On anxiety in ambitious kids:
  • “For ambitious kids, anxiety is their constant companion. They’re always evaluating: how am I doing? Am I gonna be good enough?” — Dr. Swick (15:31)
• Parenting through imperfection:
  • “I try to always be Superman, but guess what? I do have my kryptonite.” — Father (35:27)
• On family mutual care:
  • “This close family…We make the good stuff better, and we make the tough stuff bearable, and we can meet tough moments together.” — Dr. Swick (31:55)
• Modeling asking for help:
  • “Strength is sometimes doing things that have to be done, even when they're uncomfortable. And strength is also knowing when and who to ask for an assist when you need it.” — Dr. Swick (36:39)
• Transition to adulthood:
  • “18 as adult is an illusion. It’s just the law. It’s not real…they’re not really fully adult until their mid-20s. They’re still renovating, they’re still doing lots of work. But they are becoming men.” — Dr. Swick (41:37)
• Acknowledgment & closure:
  • “I do so much talking and I do so much, but I feel listened to today, and that means a lot.” — Father (44:58)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Family background and sons’ strengths: 01:34–05:52
• Parenting through transition (the “gray area”): 06:10–10:06
• Gender, emotion, and mental health: 14:15–21:29
• Single parenthood and coparenting: 23:22–27:35
• Father’s health crisis and modeling vulnerability: 29:25–39:46
• Role modeling support, self-care and communication: 40:27–44:39

Takeaways

• Parenting adult children requires a shift from control to guidance—parents become “consultants” rather than managers.
• Emotional intelligence and asking for help are learned through both adversity and parental modeling.
• Vulnerability as a parent—showing imperfections and struggles—is a powerful teaching tool for sons learning to become emotionally responsible men.
• Open communication within the family, including about health and mental health, deepens trust and connection.
• Recognition of the need for parents themselves to find support, and model mutual care, is crucial to healthy family dynamics.

Tone & Language: Candid, compassionate, insightful—balancing vulnerability and strength, as modeled by both Dr. Swick and her guest. The episode offers both practical reflections and heartfelt moments, making it resonate for any parent navigating the transition from raising boys to raising men.