Podcast Summary: "My Kids Don’t Know I Had An Eating Disorder And Might Be Struggling, Too"

Podcast: Talkaboutable with Dr. Susan Swick
Host: Lemonada Media
Episode Date: September 16, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode centers on a candid conversation between Dr. Susan Swick, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, and a mother of two teenagers who secretly struggled with an eating disorder throughout her youth and young adulthood. The mother is now concerned her children, especially her daughter, may be experiencing similar issues. The episode navigates generational legacies of disordered eating, parental fears, and practical approaches for starting open, honest conversations with kids about body image, eating, and family mental health histories.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introducing the Family & The Source of Anxiety

• The mother describes her two teens: her daughter is creative, academically driven, and diverse in interests; her son is a tech-minded, social, athletic boy. Both are close siblings ([01:27]–[03:24]).
• The central issue: The mother, formerly anorexic and bulimic, fears that discussing her experience may do more harm than good, especially recalling how learning about her own mother’s and grandmother’s disorders worsened her own behaviors ([03:39], [10:28]).

2. The Mother’s Story of Disordered Eating

• At 10, a public comment from her father about her weight triggered self-consciousness and compulsive exercise ([03:39]–[04:40]).
• At 14-15, her mom disclosed her own and the grandmother’s eating disorders, unintentionally normalizing disordered behavior:

  “Whether she was trying to warn me or help me, the exact opposite is what happened. I was like, oh, if she cannot eat, I cannot eat too.”
  —Mother [04:43]

• She describes years of hidden anorexia and bulimia, only stopping when finding happiness and support in her adult relationship ([06:00]–[07:12]).
• Notably, she never received formal treatment—she credits recovery to newfound love and support:

  “I just stopped. I was also happy. I loved my husband and...I got better, I guess.”
  —Mother [07:19]

3. Current Parenting Concerns

• Daughter has lost a noticeable amount of weight in recent months. Historically body-positive, the girl now skips meals and shows selective eating reminiscent of the mother’s former tactics ([07:37], [11:45]).
• The mother’s son, slender and very tall, makes negative comments about his own body. She probes if criticism is external, but finds the feelings seem internal, which worries her ([07:37]–[10:00]).

4. The Power of Family Narratives

• Dr. Swick notes how offhand family comments can define self-perception for years:

  "Your father actually gave you a narrative...that story became the through line of the next many years..."
  —Dr. Swick [10:00]

• The mother recognizes how inaccurate narratives fuel lasting body dysmorphia ([07:37]–[10:20]).

5. Heritability and Parental Fears

• Dr. Swick reassures the mother that eating disorders have a genetic component, so the impulse to worry isn't unfounded:

  “Many of the conditions...we’re just learning are robustly heritable...Eating disorders...are robustly heritable.”
  —Dr. Swick [12:40]

6. Strategies for Opening Conversations

• With her daughter:
  • Dr. Swick cautions against repeating the mistakes of the previous generation:

    “When your mom...talked to you, she talked about herself...What she didn’t do...was to ask you how you were doing.”
    —Dr. Swick [15:55]

  • She recommends gentle curiosity: raise observations (“I've noticed you've lost a bit of weight, is that true or am I imagining it?”), resist lecturing, and prioritize listening over telling ([18:54]–[21:02]).
  • Frame questions in the context of her daughter's ambitions, not perfectionism, and check in about stressors unrelated to appearance ([22:05]–[24:38]).
  • Accept that the daughter may initially resist or “shut down,” and that privacy and autonomy are critical at her developmental stage ([21:02], [24:42]).
• With her son:
  • Talk during “sideways moments” (e.g., reading together, doing activities), which naturally foster conversation ([36:32]–[37:52]).
  • Inquire about his comments and observations, not just his own self-perception, but about his sister and experience in the family ([33:53]–[35:42]).

7. Parental Vulnerability, Boundaries, and Modeling

• The mother models discussing mistakes and failures openly to help her daughter resist perfectionism—but fears coming off as intrusive ([21:02]–[25:31]).
• The challenge of respecting a teen’s autonomy versus being a protective parent is acknowledged as a difficult balance:

  “I am supposed to be this person, too, like...she's learning to push back on.”
  —Mother [24:47]

8. Dissipating Shame and Keeping Conversation Open

• Normalize discussing feelings and struggles, emphasize there's no shame in help-seeking or vulnerability ([29:42]–[31:52]).
• Dr. Swick encourages recurring, shorter conversations rather than one-off interventions, allowing for emotional regulation and follow-through ([29:42]–[31:52]).

9. Self-Compassion for Parents

• Parents’ own emotions—fear, loneliness, perceived rejection—are natural and important to acknowledge ([25:31]–[27:57]).
• A key insight: Approach the topic from curiosity, not fear, to shift the emotional tone and increase the chance of connection ([39:40]).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On negative narratives:

  “Your father actually gave you a narrative. He gave you a story about yourself...and it became the through line of the next many years.”
  —Dr. Swick [10:00]

• Mother on unintended consequences:

  “Whether she was trying to warn me or help me, the exact opposite is what happened. I was like, oh, if she cannot eat, I cannot eat too.”
  —Mother [04:43]

• On strategies:

  “Your whole job is to be reasonably calm...calm enough that you can listen. So if you're calm enough to listen, you can be curious about what's going on with her, to invite her to share with you whatever may be happening.”
  —Dr. Swick [18:54]

• On what parents can control:

  “You can’t counsel her until you start making this discussable. Even though it might be—if it’s not difficult, it would be weird. It’s probably going to be difficult.”
  —Dr. Swick [29:21]

• On approaching with curiosity over fear:

  “Let’s approach it being curious as opposed to approaching it by being afraid.”
  —Mother [39:40]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Introducing family and concerns: [01:25]–[03:24]
• Mother’s disordered eating backstory: [03:39]–[07:12]
• Turning points & lack of treatment: [07:12]–[07:19]
• Current worries about daughter and son: [07:37]–[10:00]
• Family comments and legacy: [10:00]–[10:20]
• Heritability of eating disorders: [12:26]–[12:40]
• How to open conversations: [15:55]–[24:38]
• Balancing parental authority and autonomy: [24:42]–[27:35]
• Managing emotions and stages of adolescence: [25:34]–[27:57]
• Dissipating shame, slow conversations: [29:42]–[31:52]
• Approaching son, ‘sideways moments’: [36:32]–[37:52]
• Final insights and reframing fear as curiosity: [39:40]–[40:55]

Tone of the Conversation

The episode is warm, compassionate, and rich in both empathy and practicality. Dr. Susan Swick provides validation and clear, actionable guidance, while the mother shares her vulnerabilities and reflects deeply on generational cycles, the complexities of adolescence, and her desire to break harmful patterns without alienating her children.

Practical Takeaways

• Normalize conversation: Start small, be curious, and don’t expect full disclosure right away.
• Timing is key: Approach delicate topics during casual, shared activities.
• Listen, don’t lecture: Stay curious and accept initial resistance; assure teens they are not alone.
• Share appropriately: Don’t overshare parental history unless invited—center the child’s experience first.
• Empower with context: It’s helpful—even protective—to acknowledge heritability and family histories, but knowledge should come with support.
• Self-care for parents: Recognize your own fear and seek support; your well-being impacts the family dynamic.

This episode offers a real-world, nuanced look at how a parent’s own history can both inform and complicate how they parent teens through difficult topics—ultimately highlighting the importance of openness, patience, and compassion in breaking cycles of silence.