Podcast Summary: "My Mom Is A Narcissist, But I Want My Son To Have A Relationship With Her"
Talkaboutable with Dr. Susan Swick, Lemonada Media
Episode Date: October 28, 2025

Overview

In this episode, Dr. Susan Swick, child and adolescent psychiatrist and host, speaks with a single mother navigating complex family dynamics involving her own mother’s narcissistic behaviors. The heart of the conversation focuses on setting healthy boundaries, breaking generational patterns, and equipping her 13-year-old son to understand, protect, and advocate for himself—while still preserving family relationships where possible.

The discussion is honest, practical, and empathetic, highlighting the messiness of family, the challenge of change, and the power of open communication.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introducing the Challenge: A Family Legacy of Difficult Patterns

• Family Structure: Single mother by choice, raising a 13-year-old son; extended family includes siblings, parents, and a shared summer lake house.
• Mother’s Perspective: “I believe that my mom has, maybe she's not a diagnosable narcissist, but I believe she has narcissistic tendencies or behaviors.” (00:06)
• Generational Patterns: History of dysfunction repeating itself, especially at annual family gatherings at the lake house.
• Recent Decision: The mother withdrew from co-owning the family lake house to protect herself and her son, triggering a significant family rift.
• Son's Awareness: As he grows older, the son increasingly notices and questions troubling family dynamics.

2. Celebrating the Son’s Strengths: Emotional Intelligence and Resilience

• Special Gifts: The mother describes her son's “wise beyond his years” emotional intelligence, and openness in communication:

  “He sort of has this wise beyond his years quality…he will often either call me out on something I'm doing.” (02:29)

• Building a Supportive Relationship: She attributes their strong bond to unconditional love, daily affection, and mutual respect.

3. The Lake House as Both Haven and Battleground

• Mixed Memories: The son’s experience of the lake house shifted from "95% delight and wonder" in early childhood to an environment increasingly marked by tension and conflict. (07:49)
• Negative Impacts: Family arguments grew louder and more impactful as the son got older; he even became directly targeted at times.

4. Practicing and Teaching Boundaries

• Navigating the Grandmother Relationship:

  “My mom is very manipulative. And so…as time has gone on and she sort of intervenes and continues to play the mother role with him, I’ve had to put very strong boundaries.” (09:14)

• Encouraging Self-Advocacy:

  “When he held his own…he stood up to her…part of that is coaching from me, but part of it is just his intuitive nature where he feels like this isn’t okay and I can say something about it.” (10:30)

• Open Dialogue: The mother is careful to answer her son's questions honestly but with grace, emphasizing that everyone is flawed, and that boundaries can be set respectfully.

5. A Parent’s Self-Reflection: Breaking the Cycle

• Awareness and Growth:

  “I have a lot of anger toward my family of origin…But he doesn’t have that [lack of confidence]. And I think…to break a cycle…it was this unconditional love.” (03:57; 14:33)

• Therapy and Modeling Change: The mother shares her own therapeutic journey and how this transparency helps her son see that self-improvement is possible for everyone.

6. Family Roles and Systemic Traps

• Family Coping Strategies: The mother, her siblings, and father each developed distinct coping or defense mechanisms in response to their mother’s dominance:
  • Anxiety (mother)
  • Withdrawal (sister)
  • Fantasy/escapism (brother)
• Father’s Passive Role:

  “He never stepped in…he would often support my mom, no matter…his interest is in keeping his relationship together and he has to sort of acquiesce to her in order to do that.” (23:00)

• Leaving Old Patterns Behind: The mother recognizes her role in the family "dance" and chooses to exit, hoping for healthier system evolution.

7. Navigating the Fallout: Family Feelings & The Power of Disruption

• Betrayal and Adaptation: The mother’s departure is felt as a betrayal, both financially and emotionally.
• High Road Approach:

  “I took the high road the whole way—I was inviting them over for bonfires and dinners and water skiing and all of the things. But there, it wasn’t reciprocated.” (26:24)

• Dr. Swick’s Perspective:

  “I love your ‘take the high road’ frame…You’re staying in your lane, but you’re not needing to win the argument…they aren’t yet as brave as you…” (27:23)

8. Supporting the Son’s Autonomy & Making Peace with Loss

• Summer Test Run: Renting their own cabin was a risk, but the son found peace and appreciated the balance:

  “At the end of that very first day…he said something along the lines of, ‘I get it. Like, this is amazing. We can now have the best of both worlds.’” (33:05)

• Acknowledging Grief: The son admits heartbreak over losing his room at the family home but adapts and finds joy in new experiences. (38:05 – 39:28)
• Continuous Invitations for Dialogue: Dr. Swick encourages giving the son repeated, safe opportunities to voice his feelings so he doesn’t suppress hurt or take on his mother’s emotional burden.

9. Reclaiming Joy and Intimacy

• Slowing Down & Reconnection: She intentionally reduces overscheduling to prioritize peace, joy, and quality time with her son:

  “I found these opportunities to just sit on my deck with a cup of coffee for, like, two straight hours and just listen to the birds...” (41:43)

• Memorable Moment:

  “At one point, we're biking down the path next to each other, and he reaches over and he holds his hand out, and he wanted to hold my hand while we were riding, and he held my hand for…like eight minutes, you know, just riding down the path, holding hands together.” (43:15)

10. Equipping for the Future

• Empowering the Next Generation:

  “I think that's all we can do as parents, right, is try to give them the tools they need to succeed and then help them out of the nest, and then they've got to execute.” (46:13)

• Hope and Realism: Dr. Swick expresses confidence in the boy's skills, noting that he’s already better equipped than most adults were at his age.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Pattern Recognition and Growth:

  “It would be weird if you didn’t sometimes have strong responses to things. First of all, we’re human and feelings happen. Feelings are like the weather. There’s no bad feelings, there’s no bad weather. Just like the wrong clothes for the weather sometimes.” – Dr. Susan Swick (16:41)

• On Family Roles:

  “It's a very codependent situation. He never stepped in…so I felt very much like I was out there kind of fighting my own battles.” – Single Mother (23:00)

• On Boundaries & Bravery:

  “That's sort of the difference between being brave and being estranged, right? Where you’re like, the only way I can leave is to say, never, never again…And instead you’re saying, I love you very, very much. And it doesn’t mean that I have to keep doing these dance moves…” – Dr. Susan Swick (31:00)

• On Parental Goals:

  “You want to keep equipping him with the capacity to know himself, to know what he needs, to know what he deserves, how he deserves to be treated and loved, and to develop some muscle memory for how to engage with people when his needs and their needs don’t fully line up so that he can find a way without having to sort of break up with them.” – Dr. Susan Swick (43:41)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [00:06] – Opening family dynamic: mother's narcissistic behaviors, setting up the challenge
• [02:29] – Highlighting son’s emotional intelligence and family relationship
• [07:49] – Son’s evolving perception of the lake house and family conflict
• [10:30] – Son learning to set boundaries with grandmother
• [14:33] – Breaking the cycle: modeling unconditional love and openness
• [23:00] – Family coping strategies, father’s role, and the mother’s decision to leave
• [31:00] – The ‘brave, but not estranged’ approach to boundaries
• [33:05] – New beginnings: the son experiences peace in a new summer rental
• [38:05] – Handling the son’s feelings of loss and adaptation
• [41:43] – Pursuing peace, slowing down, and intimate moments of connection
• [46:13] – Equipping children for the future, reflection on parenting goals

Tone and Language

The episode is warm, supportive, and realistically optimistic. Dr. Swick’s clinical insight is balanced with empathy, humor, and encouragement. Both she and the guest are candid about their imperfections, the ongoing work of parenting, and the complexity of family relationships.

In Summary:
This episode shines in its honesty about the ongoing challenge of generational patterns, the nuanced work of boundary setting, and the profound ways in which parents can empower their children for healthier futures—without cutting off love or family. Recommended listening for anyone grappling with difficult family members, messy transitions, or the work of raising emotionally strong kids.