Podcast Summary: "My Son Is Worried About Me Dying — And Now He’s Lashing Out"

Talkaboutable with Dr. Susan Swick (Lemonada Media)
Episode Date: September 23, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode features an honest, empathetic conversation between Dr. Susan Swick (child and adolescent psychiatrist and mother of four) and a single mother of a six-year-old boy. The mom has endured a challenging few years involving divorce, losing her own mother to cancer, and her own serious cancer diagnosis. As a result, her son has developed big, complicated emotions—fears about losing his mother, anger outbursts, and a pattern of insecure attachment. Together, Dr. Swick and the guest dissect the roots of these behaviors and strategies for navigating both the child's turmoil and the parent's own public worries and guilt. The episode models compassionate, practical advice for tackling conversations about loss, illness, and emotional regulation with young children.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introducing the Child and Context of Challenges

• The single mom describes her son as social, emotionally aware, and very affectionate, qualities she deeply values (01:29–03:00).

  • Notable quote:
    "Sometimes he's even introduced himself that way, like, 'I'm friendly.' So I think that's sweet." — Single Mom [01:45]

• The family faced a “trifecta”: a cross-country move, divorce, grandmother’s illness and death, and the mom’s lymphoma diagnosis (03:16–04:14).

  • Mother’s Reflection:
    "In the moment, it was awful...I was coming home with a bag of chemo, running while I was doing my day to day and working full time...” — Single Mom [03:41]

2. Attachment Wounds & Lashing Out

• Mom worries about her son’s insecure attachment, citing repeated push-pull dynamics and explosive behaviors in public, including statements like "I wish you were dead" (04:43–07:17).

  • "He'll push me away, push me away to see if I'll stay. And then...he gets desperate for me to stay. And I feel terrible because I really do think it's a direct result of him having seen me be sick." — Single Mom [00:02 & 04:43]

• Dr. Swick normalizes:

  • At this age, big feelings can finally be expressed to safe adults.

  • Children test parental presence and reliability, especially after trauma or instability (07:17–08:37).

  • "He's getting to an age where he's just beginning to really understand logic and cause and effect...it's a tough moment because they're still emotionally so young.” — Dr. Susan Swick [07:17]

3. Transparent Communication & School Struggles

• The mom prioritized honesty, using terms like “cancer” around her son, even when he didn’t fully understand (08:37–09:06).

  • Dr. Swick affirms that clear, direct language, avoiding euphemisms, helps prevent scary misunderstandings.

• Kindergarten proved rough due to teacher insensitivity. Mom describes issues of being shut out as a parent and her son being denied compassion and feeling left out (09:28–11:44).

  • "Sometimes she would come out and grab him and then later she would scold me...she was very old school, very not understanding of emotions." — Single Mom [10:15]

• The child’s self-esteem took a hit, and mom observed meltdowns in social situations — e.g., “I have no friends, I'm a loser” (12:24–13:34).

4. Navigating Friendship Worries & Social Pain

• Dr. Swick explains that complaints about “no friends” often signal a child’s low point of feeling, not literal isolation.
• She recommends checking in with teachers and helping children imagine future friendships as “fuel in their tank” for perseverance (13:34–15:35).

5. Judgment in Parenting and Public Spaces

• The mom candidly discusses the pressure of being a publicly scrutinized single mom in a gossipy community where her ex is dating another class mom (17:29–20:15).

  • “I struggle with being judged as being a single mom and what my behavior is like...sometimes I feel like I don't know if I can be too stern with him publicly...” — Single Mom [17:39]

• Her approach in tense moments—find a quiet space, allow feelings to emerge—is validated by Dr. Swick as “a smart start.” Calm is contagious and helps both parent and child (20:15–21:10).

6. Co-Parenting Dynamics & New Relationships

• The challenge of blended families and managing boundaries around new partners is discussed.
• The mom expresses discomfort with her ex introducing their son to his girlfriend and her daughter, highlighting the complexity and limited control, but also acknowledges the necessity of letting go (21:19–23:10).
• Dr. Swick highlights children’s confusion over changing family structures and the importance of validating, not fixing, their feelings (25:22–27:28).

7. Aggression & Emotional Outbursts: Setting Limits

• The son displays intense anger—sometimes escalating into hitting or biting his mother—especially following distressing encounters (e.g., running into dad and girlfriend, feeling left out) (29:24–31:27).

  • The mom notes:
    "He does not behave that way with his father...Externally it looks like, gee, what a bad mother." — Single Mom [30:36]

• Dr. Swick’s Practical Advice:

  • Pre-establish ground rules for aggression (31:27–34:17).
  • Use age-appropriate “three strikes” or loss of privilege (leaving the park after 3 incidents, for example).
  • Practice “scripts” for discipline to maintain calm and avoid escalation:
    • “When you and I have scripts with our kids for when they're most upset, it helps us to stay calm and clear, to not end up screaming or pleading.” — Dr. Susan Swick [33:11]

8. The Persistent Fear of Death & Loss

• The boy’s acute anxiety about his mother’s mortality is ongoing. He worries about minor illnesses and repeatedly asks, “Are you going to die?” (34:40–35:43).

  • Mom reassures him factually and age-appropriately, avoiding false promises but providing security.

• Dr. Swick’s Advice:

  • Let the child verbalize fears fully. Ask, "What's got you worried about that?" and invite him to “play out the movie” of his worries out loud (37:22–39:23).

  • Discuss practical contingencies (“Who would you live with?”) openly, as this can give children a sense of agency and reduce dread.

  • “Having a chance, being curious, letting him actually tell the story...you'll get to hear about what actually matters to him.” — Dr. Susan Swick [39:23]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Emotional Safety:
  “It does sound like with you it’s safest to share the bigness of these feelings. He lets you have it, right?” — Dr. Susan Swick [27:29]

• On Managing Feelings:
  “Feelings keep happening. They're like weather. It's like you still get storms and clouds...but as he gets older and has your companionship like that, you can bear a big feeling with him now.” — Dr. Susan Swick [28:13]

• On Parental Self-Doubt:
  “Externally it looks like, gee, what a bad mother. And look at how he hits her and look at how they're having all this conflict. But then with his father, he's just an a kid all the time. That's something that I have a hard time navigating.” — Single Mom [30:36]

• On Discipline:
  “Six year olds understand three strikes. And if you're doing something fun...you're going to have to leave and he's not going to get his ice cream or stay and play...When you and I have scripts with our kids for when they're most upset, it helps us to stay calm and clear.” — Dr. Susan Swick [33:11]

• On Facing Fears Together:
  “If it was untalkaboutable, if it was like really terrifying, you'd probably be like, nope... Whereas being able to let him...tell the story of all, what could he imagine?...the fact you can bear it and listen to this will reassure him.” — Dr. Susan Swick [39:23]

Key Timestamps

• 00:02–04:14: Introduction of the guest, child characteristics, overview of family trauma
• 04:43–07:17: Discussion of attachment, lash-outs, impact of illness and loss
• 09:28–11:44: Kindergarten challenges, teacher attitudes, exclusion
• 12:24–13:34: Child’s self-esteem and friendship challenges
• 17:29–20:15: Mom’s concerns about public perception as a single mother
• 20:15–21:10: Dr. Swick validates finding quiet space and staying calm
• 23:28–25:22: Navigating co-parenting, son’s confusion after seeing his dad
• 29:24–34:17: Handling aggression, Dr. Swick’s “three strikes” approach
• 34:40–35:43: Persistent fear of loss and mortality, honest dialogue
• 37:22–39:23: Strategies for addressing mortality anxiety, letting the child voice worst-case scenarios

Episode Tone & Takeaways

The episode embodies gentle validation, realism, and encouragement. Dr. Swick normalizes both the child’s and parent’s struggles, helping the guest see her strengths and resilience. Through practical advice and real-world scripts, she empowers parents to face “unfixable” fears and big feelings, and makes the case that honest, open dialogue—and simply being present—forms the bedrock of long-term resilience for kids and parents alike.

Best for listeners who want:

• Real talk on parenting after trauma
• Concrete strategies for emotional regulation
• Compassionate insight into family healing after illness, grief, and divorce