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Talking Toddlers
How to Get Your Toddler to Listen Without Yelling: 7 Everyday Strategies Ep 111
00:41:10
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- [00:00]
Dr. Laura
It's not, you are bad. It's that we just need a better choice.
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Parent
Right?
- [00:05]
Dr. Laura
That you're showing them what they can do and not always telling them what they can't do. And this helps kids make better decisions and helps understand how to cooperate within the boundaries of this family. It's not just being obedient, but they understand.
- [00:26]
Host
Hello, and welcome to Talking Toddlers, where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce t tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're going to cover all of that, but here our goal is to develop clarity, because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind.
- [00:58]
Dr. Laura
He.
- [00:58]
Host
He's thriving. Through your guidance. We know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started.
- [01:08]
Dr. Laura
If you're tired of power struggles, if you wish your toddler would just help a little more or listen a little better or stop resisting every single thing, you're in the right place. Because today's episode 7 Ways to Teach Cooperation, I'm sharing exactly how to guide your child from cha to connection. Not through bribes, not through threats, but through real, teachable skills that make daily life smoother, more fun, and, yes, more cooperative. So today, you'll learn how to reduce resistance without raising your voice, how to use play to build trust. Teamwork. Yeah. Families are a team and follow through. And then thirdly, how. How to teach your toddler the why behind what you're asking. So they want to help. They're not fighting you every step of the way. This is about raising humans who contribute, not just comply. And here's the good news. It starts earlier than you think, and it starts with you. So the reason why I called it 7 Ways to Teach Cooperation is because we're going to talk about real life, shaping real life, real cooperation. Not compliance, not control. Because this is built through connection, through everyday play and engagement, and through purposeful parenting. Because guess what? It's all teachable. And I've been doing it for well over 35 years, teaching families of all walks of life and all shapes and sizes. But I've been learning on the job and getting better and better in honing my skills with a wide variety of kids who come to the table with different skills, different experiences. And here's the cool part, is that when we start early with everyday moments, you're building that brain. You're Building your bond, and then you're building behavior patterns that make all daily life smoother and easier for everyone. So, welcome back to Talking Toddlers. If this is your first time, I'm really excited you're here. If you're coming back for more, I am excited to walk this journey with you. This podcast is really about intentional, playful, developmentally appropriate ways to learn how to support your child and really make a difference. As a speech language pathologist, as I said for over 35 years, I'm a fierce advocate that prevention is all about helping moms and dads learn kind of the tricks of the trade. And one of the things that I keep coming back to is that everything that I've learned I can share with you and you can take a hold of. It's about helping kids understand that they have choices and that we together are learning how to build this family system. When we're looking at cooperation, we're looking at collaboration, right? That parenting toddlers sometimes can feel like herding cats. They're not listening. They're not reacting as smoothly or as efficiently or even in a timely fashion, right? But as you peel back the layers and understand why and how, then you're going to be in it more, more honestly with them. So let's walk through these seven strategies, or seven ways to teach cooperation. The first one is to encourage turn taking. And here's the funny thing. Babies as young as 6 months, 6, 7, 8, 9 months of age can really begin learning the rhythm of back and forth play. And we start that with cooing and babbling. They make a sound and we imitate them, and then they're buying into this human relationship, right? But it's really important that that turn taking, that volley serve and return really begins in those first couple of months. And up through six months, they're laying that foundation and really building that connection, attention, and engagement through all of those social kinds of play. And I've talked a lot about that. But if. If we are looking at one big umbrella, which is cooperation, what are seven specific things that we need to go back to and say, huh, did I do that? Or am I doing that? Or how can I do that better? So, for example, some of this social play would at the early, early months, right? Blowing raspberries on their belly, playing peekaboo or this little piggy, get ready and go, or ready, set, go, or even in, when they're just beginning to give you high five, high five. Give me five, give me five more. Give me five over here. Give me up, five down Five. All of those, I do something, you do something back. There's gestures, there's voicing, it's playful, they're engaged, you're building their attention. And then when they're a little bit more mobile, right? So close to seven, eight, nine months, we're crawling, they're sitting on the floor. You can do some of those nursery rhymes or social games around Row, row row your boat or my, one of my classics is ring around the rosies. All of that social play, nursery rhymes. What they have in common is that attention, right? But there's engagement, expectation, anticipation and there's a timing factor. So we start or we initiate something and get their attention and they respond. We do it again and they respond. There's a sing song that we repeat over and over again. All of these things are very simple. And I know a lot of moms or dads, especially in this day and age, thinking that's old fashioned, ugh, it's so basic, that's cultural. It's true. Here in the us, in the uk, in China, in South Africa, we all have these social games in some form or fashion because they are basic and simple, they're joyful, they're easily repeatable several times throughout the day during your regular parenting.
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Parent
Right.
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Dr. Laura
And so the goal here in those first six, eight 12 months is to teach your child to play with you. And I think in this day and age, when we're fast moving, we miss that piece that it's not playing beside me. Oh, here, you do your stuff and I'm going to do my stuff. It's certainly not in front of a screen. You all know how I feel about that, but is playing with you. They're building a connection with other humans in their life. In order for that to happen, you, mom, dad, grandparents, primary caretaker, you've got to be ready to play too. And that means removing your phone, turning off the background noise, minimizing the clutter. And I always go back to the. One of the reasons, one of the big pieces to why therapy, one on one private therapy is successful is because I can give them that 45 minutes of my undivided attention and they're in it with me just as much as I'm in it with them. Remember my three P's to be purposeful and playful and present, right? So by six months of age, your baby is ready to start turn taking and imitation. If we're talking about higher level skills like social communication at 3, 4 and 5, what is social communication? It's turn taking, right? Imitation. I say Something I respond or you say something I respond, I expand upon that or I switch topics or all of that. That all starts with turn taking. So you can start simple. I place a block in a bucket, then I sit back and wait your turn. If they're not sure, you can put the block in their hand. In the bucket, in the bucket. And then you fill up the bucket one block at a time and then dump, dump. Let's do it again, right. As they get older, this involves or evolves into more functional play, like putting shape shapes in a sorter or doing puzzle pieces. It could be pretty concrete puzzle pieces like farm animals or foods or vehicles. Whatever the functional concrete puzzles are, it's not fitting puzzle pieces together like you and I would do as a teenager or young adult. But then even cleanup is an opportunity to take turns. Oh, you can say to them, you put the toy on the shelf and I'll get the next one and hand it to them. Go ahead, put it on the shelf. And here's the key. Mom and dad and grandma, you let them do it their way. If they approximate it, put it on the wrong shelf, put it in the wrong basket, that's okay. You can go back and reorganize it. When we're looking at toddlers, right? That 8, 10, 12, 18, 24 month even, you can always adjust their work later, not in front of them, right? Because what really matters is that we're in it together. We're team, we're partners and we feel it, right? And that, that's really early cooperation. We played together and now we're going to put it away together. And that's confidence building. They feel joy being with you. Oh gosh, mom is smiling at me and she's doing the same thing as me and I'm just as important as anything else in this world. And so that's early turn taking, early cooperation, early self confidence building and, and all of that relationship. Okay, number two and I talk about this a lot, but here is, in this concrete list, do chores together early and often and pull them in and, and really reinforce your belief that they can do something worthy.
- [12:33]
Parent
Right?
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Dr. Laura
You, you're letting your child experience the benefit of cooperating. So even that 12, 14, 16 month old can help you set the table or help you clean up, even if it's just putting a few things in the trash or pushing in the table or collect the paper plates, whatever the deal is, look at what's the activity and what can they manage on their own. And we're going to talk a lot about that in this session and the upcoming episodes is it's really helping them build and hone those skills independently. Like I said, putting the placemats out or asking them, you know, you have a cup in one hand and dirty napkins in the other and say, hmm, which one goes in the trash? So you're, you're connecting them with language, asking them a question. There's. They're looking at their two options and saying, oh, that goes in the. Here, put it in the trash for mama.
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Parent
Right?
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Dr. Laura
It's interactive. You're building curiosity, you're making it fun, you're making it successful. And then, you know, another everyday activity or once, at least once a week, right? Putting the groceries away. And you ask them, where do the paper towels go?
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Parent
Right?
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Dr. Laura
Where does the bread belong? Where does the dish soap go? And you're helping them understand how our home life works. Here's an object. I trust you with it. I'm going to hand it to you, and you can deal with that. And you're, you're building their awareness, their engagement, and asking them questions. They're learning how to listen, how to answer, how to be part of the team, right? And, and then you can say, wow, you know, we cleaned up together. We put all the, the groceries together. Now we have an extra 10 minutes to play or to play ring around the Rosie or to go outside or, or whatever the timeframe is. But you reinforce that so they feel good about that cooperation. Like, look, all the groceries are put away lickety split. Or if you help wash off the table. Look, it's so clean and nice and shiny. Isn't it beautiful? You and I did a great job together, right? You're teaching the why.
- [15:06]
Parent
Right?
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Dr. Laura
We take care and concern of a clean house. Right? Organized house. We work together. So you're not just telling them what to do, but you're showing them why it's important. And that's through a lot of engagement with you. Childlike, right? Simple, concrete. But I'm kind of amazed at how little parents and caretakers on all kinds of levels forget that that's meaningful learning.
- [15:43]
Parent
Right?
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Dr. Laura
And that by walking them through that, that really builds their understanding. Ah, the table is a lot nicer when it's all clean and it's not sticky, right? It's, it's a lot better when all the dishes are done. It's better when all the groceries are put away. And then we have more time to do other stuff.
- [16:03]
Parent
Right?
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Dr. Laura
Okay. Number three in this list of seven is that it's important to explain the why behind some of the rules.
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Parent
Right.
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Dr. Laura
And we, we're going to talk about this in, in other formats, but somewhere around three, most children will understand or have enough rich language that they will understand the explanation. We don't run in the house because you could fall and get hurt. You could break something, it's too noisy. Those kind of reasoning behind that you're not just arbitrarily telling them to stop or that you can look at, you know, we cleaned up, we're organized now, we can find things when we go look for them. I know exactly where that book is, or I know exactly where your favorite shoes are, or I know exactly where the paper towels are and my hands are all wet. Oh no, I need some more paper towels. You know where they are, Right. And so you're helping them understand that there's a reasoning behind all of this. And we're not just doing it to be bossy.
- [17:15]
Parent
Right.
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Dr. Laura
Because I think sometimes, especially a 2, 3, 4 year old is just like, you're just trying to boss me.
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Parent
Right.
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Dr. Laura
But when we help each other, we get things done faster. Not always, but sometimes. And we'll talk about how they can make something a little bit more laborious. But you do help them say, oh look, we sorted all the laundry, it's all done for the whole week. Now we have more time to play, let's go outside. It's not just about checking off the tasks, but it's about cooperating and working together as a team.
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Parent
Right.
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Dr. Laura
The families are teams. And then how that helps balance out our tasks or duties and our play a relaxed time.
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Parent
Right.
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Dr. Laura
You're showing them how the family system works, how the living day to day works. You're inviting them into this structure, helping explain it to them so they're feeling worthy. And in the end, I think you're really raising someone who's contributing to the family and feeling proud of that and not just these isolated humans.
- [18:32]
Parent
Right.
- [18:32]
Dr. Laura
Okay, so number four would be that we take time to problem solve together. And I think that this is a biggie, especially when you're looking at a two and a three. There's a big difference between a brand new two year old, brand new three year old and then say someone who's almost four, say they want to do something or play with something that isn't okay. I think it's important that we kind of step away and not just respond, that we have to help them understand what the problem is. Here's an example. Say kids start to write on the wall or something or even on the Table. And you're like, no, I know that you want to draw, but Mommy doesn't want you to write on the table or on the wall. That's not okay. You can write on the paper here, or you can write on the cardboard over here. You bring them into the problem solving. You say, this isn't okay. Where do you think we can draw that? That's okay.
- [19:38]
Parent
Right?
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Dr. Laura
And so you're helping them, not just telling them, but you can always go back and say, do you write on the wall? No. Do you write on the table? No. And hopefully, you know, you have paint that can be washable and tables that can be washed up. But the whole idea is that you're helping them because you want to reinforce. Oh, you want to color or you want to draw? That's great. I want you to do that too. But there are boundaries, there's restrictions. We can draw on these things. Paper, cardboard, sidewalks even, but we can't over here. And even books, right? That's another big thing. And that can be confusing for some kids because books are paper. Why can't I draw on it? No, but books are for reading and looking at and talking about pen and paper. These kinds of things are over here. And it's just helping them sort how this world works. And. And sometimes you do have to, because they will push. And sometimes you say, let's put the crayons away until you can pick. A better choice is about the. The doing or the picking. It's not, you are bad. It's that we just need a better choice.
- [21:00]
Parent
Right?
- [21:00]
Dr. Laura
That you're showing them what they can do and not always telling them what they can't do.
- [21:06]
Parent
Right.
- [21:06]
Dr. Laura
And this helps kids make better decisions and helps understand how to cooperate within the boundaries of this family.
- [21:15]
Parent
Right.
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Dr. Laura
It's not just being obedient, but they understand. And in other examples would be like, oh, I know you want to go outside. We can't. We can go outside, but first we have to pick up the toys or first you have to put your clothes on or brush your teeth or make your bed or whatever the rules are. You could even pull it back, say with a two and a half, a three, three and a half. And say, what do we need to do to get ready?
- [21:46]
Parent
Right.
- [21:47]
Dr. Laura
So I think it's really, really helpful. And I've done this for decades, it's really helpful if you put the thinking process on their lap. What do we need to do to get ready? We need to put away our dirty clothes. We need to find our backpack. And you can list things for them, and then they can start to see what the steps are. And so this, this kind of shifts into telling them what to do and helping them think through what the steps are. And that's what's building cognitive skills. It's also building language processing because you're, you're putting on them, helping them think through it, and then making a choice. And it really is, it goes back to that team building and that we're in it together. And I think that that's important. And it's amaz to see a 2, 3, and 4 year old take such pride in being an active participant and not being told what to do all the time. Number five on this list of seven would be to give specific praise for cooperative efforts and children's or your child. Children in general thrive when they see how they helped. Like I said a couple of minutes ago, but I think we need to be specific. It's not like, oh, good job, but you want to say, look, you sorted all the white clothes from the dark clothes. That helps me wash the laundry and not get them all mixed up. Be very specific. Oh, you, you pushed in all the chairs and now mommy can go and pick up, you know, the glassware. Because we assume, or we're so busy, we, we forget that they need specific instructions and specific reinforcements. You put the books away now. We can find the books that we want later so much easier. It's a tone that says to them, I trust you and that we're in it together and that you're a good helper. You're making life run smoother versus more stressed. So keep that in mind. It's not always about, oh, good job, you did that great. Make it more personal, more specific to the tasks. And then they're putting it all together and it always goes back to, you know, laundry and groceries and picking up and putting toys away. Some of those, those daily tasks that they can really start to own and build independence. And I think when we do that, that we shouldn't always reinforce with a bribe or a snack or food or anything, that it's really just, hey, thumbs up. That, that was great. That really helps, mama. That helps us get ready for dinner, or it helps us so we have more time to go outside and play or whatever the context is. And so also keep in mind that if they want to do something, say they're really hungry. And I've given this example before, but I think it's, it's poignant here that, like, oh, I want to eat, I want to eat, but you're trying to get ready to get dinner ready.
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Parent
Right.
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Dr. Laura
Sometimes we have to put the groceries away. Sometimes we have to prep the food. And you just can always say to them, I know you're hungry, and that's great. It's good to come to the table hungry. And then we eat what we fixed for dinner. And I talk a lot about that here, that there's one meal for the whole family and we're going to share it together. And just being hungry is not an emergency. I know you're hungry. You acknowledge that. Help mommy put the groceries away, or here, tear the, the lettuce leaves apart, or help mommy set the table, all of those kinds of things. Give them 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, hold on to that hunger, which is not an emergency.
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Parent
Right.
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Dr. Laura
Unless you have a malnourished child, which I hope you don't. But, but, and then they know that we're going to share this meal together. And so I think those kinds of things, even if the dinner is cooking, you don't have to always give them. Yep, in five minutes, 10 minutes, dinner's going to be ready.
- [26:30]
Parent
Right.
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Dr. Laura
And let's finish this. Or we can wait together. And, and that's all part of that, that early learning, cooperation, teamwork, connection, and we're in it together kind of thing. So, so when you're thinking about helping your child learn how to be an active family member, it's really how well we can explain the scenario to them, pull them in, get them involved. Sometimes it's just a distraction and that's cool, but sometimes it's really just helping them sustain, waiting.
- [27:07]
Parent
Right.
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Dr. Laura
Because that's a lot about cooperation. It's just waiting your turn or waiting until dinner or waiting until we get ready to go or any of that kinds of things. Okay, so number six would be to offer suggestions, not give commands. And that's a tricky one. You know, sometimes there's a fine line between these things. But I know that life gets really busy. We get hectic. We, we have a lot of things to do, right? There's the steps involved to getting dinner and then cleaning up after dinner, bedtime routines. And you have other things to, to do, whether you work outside the house or part time or any of this. But we don't want to, especially with toddlers that don't have, and I'm going to talk about this in another episode in the very near future about how they're building independence and building autonomy, but we don't want to always be barking orders to them and that I think when we command or tell them what to do, then that, that human reaction is to resist, to dig our heels in and to push back. But if we give them suggestions, sometimes it's choices, then that really leads to more cooperation. Do you want to help mommy set the table, or do you want to wash your hands first? Do you want to put away all of the canned goods or do you want to put the toilet paper away upstairs? You know, you're giving them suggestions, choices that, that really entices them to jump in and step in, right? So instead of saying things like, put on your coat, put on your coat, try, hey, buddy, it's cold today. Would you like me to help you put your coat on? Or do you want to do it yourself? That's, that's like a key when they're two and three, it's like, do you want help or can you do it all by yourself? And, you know, nine times out of 10, they want to try it all by themselves, right? But even at 18 months, give or take, you can help organize the code or put the hand in and always give yourself a little window because it's going to take extra time if they're going to try to do it on their own. But in all of these suggestions versus command, always check in and look at what is my tone of voice, what am I implying? All of that nonverbal communication, and that really helps them calm down, too. And we need to not push them against the wall verbally, but to help engage them to move forward. So the infamous scenario is always like leaving a party, leaving the park, right? And you can say, hey, buddy, it's time to go. Do you want to hop like a bunny or walk backwards to the car? Do you want to carry this bag or do you want to carry mommy's hat? Again, whatever the two choices are, sometimes we do have to be creative on the fly, but it's a lot better than having a meltdown or it's a lot better than them running away, which is always a nightmare at the park, right? But these tiny shifts in our language, in our tone, giving suggestions versus commands, making it playful. It works wonders over and over and over again. And we have to always remember to get down on their. Their level, look eye to eye, get their attention, and speak with them toward them, and not yelling, you know, from the other side of the car or the other side of the room, because transitions are tricky, right? But I have found that when we, we do these subtle changes, like, I just rattled off your tone, you're giving them choices and it really does reduce the meltdowns. It makes the transition smoother and that they then begin to trust this turn, taking this routine, this engagement, they know what the deal is. Nothing is surprised or unwarranted that they, oh, I've been here before, I know I'll come back to the park in a couple of days. That's, that's pretty cool. And then number seven of this list of seven is really giving them choices within your rules. And this is sort of implied, but I think we always have to help them understand that we have boundaries, right? We have realistic expectation that's appropriate for a two year old or a four year old. And I'm going to give you two choices within there. And then they feel like they're having some sense of control, right? And you know that it's within your comfort zone. So when people walk into new environments like you and me, say it's a new church or a new store or a new dinner party or any of that, if we know what's expected of us, then we're a lot more comfortable inside and that we can kind of be flexible with whatever the context requires. If we're unsure and uncomfortable, then we're going to be resistant and rigid. We're not even going to hear very well. And so your kids are exactly the same way and that we're teaching them how the system works, how they fit in this family, whether it's a small family or big family, and that you are there to guide them through this and that you'll give them some flexibility because you trust them and they trust you. And so, for example, even things that you know have to get done, like brushing their teeth, because that can sometimes be a nightmare for, for some families. But you can say, hey, do you want to brush your teeth first or do you want me to give it a try? Because you and I know that typically when they're 2 and 3 and 4, you always have to do a good or a better job, that they're going to be, you know, a hit and miss. But help them. And by giving them a choice, it's going one, it's going to get done. We have to brush your teeth. And I know you want to learn how to do it, so I'm going to give you that freedom to practice. But as your coach, your leader, right, the CFO of this family, I'm going to make sure that it's a good, thorough job, right? And kids will know that when they feel respected and part of the decision making, then they will collaborate with you. As well as cooperate, right? When we, as the grownups give them options within our boundaries, then we. We reduce the drama, the meltdowns. We increase their confidence because they keep trying and they understand that they need a little bit of help, and that's okay, right? But it's not really pushing compliance or pushing control, but we're really building that. I have your back, and slowly but surely, I'm letting you hone your skills, whether you're two or three, and you're gonna get better and better. I have confidence that you're gonna be able to get dressed on your own and brush your teeth and clean your bedroom and help mom with the laundry and come downstairs when I ask you. I have confidence that all of those skills, that cooperation, that listening, that will take place. But it's a process. It's a learning process. And I think sometimes we have to peel back the layers and think about these simple, uncomplicated steps. This is not rocket science. I know that. But this is advice that I give, that I gave parents day after day after day, Right? I know that it takes effort on your part. I know that it's exhausting, and it would just be a lot easier and faster if I did it. But the more that we can pull them in, then they take ownership and that. It goes back to what I said several weeks ago about that we put the work and the effort up front, and then our life and our routines and our flow of our days are a lot easier on the back end, right? These small steps, these minor tweaks, these seven really can yield a lot of benefit and that progress in anything. But especially in child rearing of beautiful, beautiful little toddlers, progress is built through consistency, right? Just. Just like working out or changing your nutrition or your sleep habits, your daily habits. It's really about showing up, being consistent, tweaking things that didn't work so well and just honing those skills, right? And I think communication really shapes our human connection and building that relationship. And the more they understand and the more that we help them see how the parts fit together, then they're going to be really, really super eager to be an active participant and cooperate and collaborate and be independent, Right? Because that's. At the end of the day, that's what they. They're striving for. So I just want for you to feel like this isn't controlling your child. It's not even gentle parenting, which I've talked about in the past. I don't like those. Those labels. And I've said this a lot to myself and. And to parents that I have mentored. It's like, how would I want to be spoken to if the tables were reversed? How would I want someone to engage with me if I was kind of new to this innocent to learning how to be an active participant or get dressed or take care of my personal needs or eat with manners or how would I want to be redirected and guided through this process? And it's really through respect and having faith that they're a work in progress and that they will naturally unfold these skills and that your child doesn't wake up at 4 and 5 and 6 years old. Okay, I'm going to be cooperative. Okay, I'm going to be nice, and I'm going to know how to play and get along with others. Your child isn't also born learning how to cooperate. There's a learning process through this, and it's in your hands to teach them. That's the job that we all took upon ourselves when we decided to become parents. They need you to model it. They need you to guide them through this, to shape these experiences with intention so then they every day get a little bit better. That's why I believe so deeply that we steward our children through this, especially in these early years, but throughout the whole life.
- [39:08]
Parent
Right.
- [39:08]
Dr. Laura
It just is different in these developmental stages. But to steward is to really care for something that is precious. That's how I look at what that word means.
- [39:19]
Parent
Right?
- [39:20]
Dr. Laura
To nurture and protect and knowing that. That they have great potential, but that it's a gift to us. It's our responsibility that we don't really own this child per se. I believe that's a gift from God and that we steward these children through these stages so then they can blossom into the person that they were meant to be and reach their fullest potential. But it's also our responsibility to teach them how to be a kind, loving, respectful human and to contribute not only to this family, but to the community at large in any shape, form, or fashion. So, like always, thanks so much for spending your precious time with me. If this episode, this information, I know it's not rocket science. It's basic, it's concrete. It's a nice delineated list of what we can do. And we can always think, what can I tweak to make it better? If this episode helped you, would you consider sharing it with a friend? Another mama who's in the same boat as you are? And if you want to take a more specific step forward, you can join me in my tiny challenge, a one to one opportunity in which moms just like you get quick support for one specific struggle, whether it's dealing with screen time or eating or sleeping or early play cooperation.
- [40:50]
Parent
Right.
- [40:50]
Dr. Laura
The link is down below. I believe you're always doing better than you think. Sometimes we are our biggest critics and that's not always helpful. And that every day we have a new opportunity. So enjoy this moment this summer, and I look forward to seeing you in the next one. God bless. Have a great week.