Talking Toddlers with Erin Hyer

Episode 151: “Listening Is a Skill – Here’s How It Develops”
Release Date: April 14, 2026
Host: Erin Hyer, Speech-Language Pathologist

Overview

In this episode, Erin Hyer dives deep into the real “why” behind toddler listening, challenging common parenting frustrations and misconceptions. She explains, with empathy and professional experience, why young children sometimes don’t “listen”—and, crucially, why this isn’t a matter of defiance but development. Erin walks listeners through the neurological and developmental underpinnings of listening, shares a vulnerable personal parenting story, and offers 10 research-backed habits that genuinely nurture early listening skills in toddlers.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Redefining Listening (01:00–07:00)

• Listening Is Not Compliance

  • “Listening is not compliance. Listening is development.” (06:40)
  • Many parents interpret “not listening” as willful defiance or misbehavior, but in reality, following directions is an advanced cognitive skill, still under construction in early childhood.

• All the Steps of Listening

  • Erin unpacks everything required for a toddler to truly listen and act: hearing words, processing meaning, holding onto instructions in working memory, shifting focus, translating words into action, and initiating follow-through.
  • “It’s genuinely neurologically, developmentally, a lot to ask a little person who’s just figuring this world out.” (06:10)

• The Toddler Brain Is Still Growing

  • The prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, attention, and following directions—won’t mature until a child’s mid-20s. The inconsistent listening parents see is normal and expected.

2. Personal Story: When the Expert Mom Loses Her Cool (18:50–27:00)

• Erin recounts a time when, exhausted and frustrated, she unloaded a long, complex lecture to her 2.5-year-old about picking up toys, only to be met with a confused, wide-eyed stare.
• “She had no idea what I was saying or the message behind it. None. Zero.” (23:04)
• This story is offered as reassurance: even the professionals “lose it,” over-explain, or expect too much. What matters is learning from these moments.

3. 10 Practical Habits That Build Listening

(Begins at 28:00)

1. Get Into Their World First

• Get down to the child’s level, connect physically and emotionally, say their name, and make eye contact before giving instructions.
• “You cannot ask a child to follow a direction if you don’t first have their attention. And attention is not something we demand. It’s something we earn.” (00:00, 31:10)

2. Use Fewer Words

• Simplify the language: “More words are not more helpful. More words are harder to process.” (32:05)
• Example: Instead of a long explanation, say “Toys go in the box. Bye bye. Goodnight.”

3. Give One Direction at a Time

• Multi-step directions overwhelm toddlers’ working memory.
• “When we say 'go get your shoes and bring them to the door and then wait for me,' we’ve just given them three separate directions...” (33:20)

4. Show and Tell

• Pair words with gestures or modeling the action: point, demonstrate, or act out what you want them to do.
• “This is not a crutch. This is really your child’s learning skill at this time.” (35:20)

5. Pause and Wait

• Give processing time (3–5 seconds) after the instruction, resisting the urge to repeat or rephrase immediately.
• “Say it once… then wait.” (37:00)

6. Build Routines with Consistent Language

• Attach simple, predictable phrases to daily routines; repetition builds understanding and automaticity.
• “Repetition is how understanding is literally built in their cortex.” (39:40)

7. Turn Down the Noise

• Reduce auditory clutter—TV, music, competing voices—so your child can process your voice and instructions.
• “Their auditory filtering system is on overload.” (42:30)

8. Catch Success Right Away

• Name and reinforce positive listening moments immediately and specifically.
• “You put the cup on the table. You listened. Thank you. This is not about empty praise.” (44:30)

9. Adjust Your Expectations Consistently

• Understand what’s reasonable for each age, and focus on growth rather than perfection.
• “A two-year-old who follows some directions, sometimes with support, is exactly where they should be.” (46:45)

10. Remember: Behavior Is Communication

• When a child doesn’t follow directions, ask what they might be communicating—are they tired, hungry, overstimulated, confused, or deeply focused on something?
• “Most of the time when a toddler doesn’t follow a direction, it’s not defiance. It is communication.” (49:00)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Parental Self-Doubt:
  “If you have ever over-explained to your toddler, if you have ever given a lecture that made perfect sense to you and meant absolutely nothing to them, welcome to the club. I will volunteer to be your president because I feel it in my bones.” (26:10)

• On Routine and Consistency:
  “When the same words are used in the same context every day—yes, it gets a little dry and boring for you guys—but you’re mapping their brain literally.” (40:20)

• On Progress Over Perfection:
  “We’re not looking for perfection. We’re looking for progress. And progress is not linear… it’s a process even when you can’t see it close up.” (47:20)

• On What Really Matters:
  “The single most important factor in a child’s development is the quality of their relationship with their caregivers. Not the flashcards. Not an enrichment class. Not speech therapy appointments. The relationship, the presence, the attunement with those that love them the most.” (54:00)

Why This Matters (52:00–end)

• Building listening skills is about laying the foundation for a child’s future success—academically, socially, emotionally.
• Everyday routines and ordinary moments are the “therapy;” there’s nothing magic about clinical strategies—just intentionality and attunement.
• Parents: you are enough, and you can do this by being present, patient, and attuned.

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Listening Is Not Compliance—It’s Development: (06:40)
• The Steps Involved in “Listening”: (07:20)
• Inside the Toddler Brain (Prefrontal Cortex): (12:00)
• Erin’s Honest Parenting Story: (18:50–27:00)
• Habit 1: Get Into Their World First: (31:10)
• Habit 5: Pause and Wait: (37:00)
• Habit 7: Turn Down the Noise: (42:30)
• Addressing Parental Self-Doubt: (54:00)

Summary Takeaway

Listening in toddlers is a gradual, relationship-driven, and developmentally scaffolded process—not a demand, but an evolving skill to be patiently built. Parents can nurture it actively and gently, in the unremarkable moments of daily family life.

Closing Note:
“You don’t need to be perfect. You need to be present.” (55:00) – Erin Hyer