← Talking Toddlers
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Is the difference between a child who is learning to communicate with a willing partner and a child who is learning to behave under pressure. Those are two different scenarios for a child who is already reactive.
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Hello and welcome to Talking Toddlers, where
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I share more than just tips and
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tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. Our goal is to develop clarity, because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind, he's thriving. Through your guidance, we know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started.
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She can't leave the room. Not for five minutes, not to grab the laundry, not to answer the door because the second her back is turned, her 18 month old hits his sister, maybe bites her or throws whatever is in his hand toward her head. Her first question wasn't how do you stop this? It was what's wrong with him? His sister never did this. Nothing is wrong with him. He is communicating the only way he knows how at this age because nobody has taught him another way just yet. I have had this conversation with several moms over the last month or so and maybe it's you right now. Maybe you are sitting in the middle of it right this moment, today, this week, before you even had your first cup of coffee, you began to wonder what disaster am I going to face today? Maybe it's not hitting, maybe it's biting or grabbing or pushing or throwing, dropping the food on the floor whenever he feels like it purposefully, but the feeling underneath it all, that part is the same no matter what the behavior is. You know he doesn't fully understand yet. You're not naive. You get that part. You have figured out that a 16 month old or even an 18 month old can cannot process and truly understand. Don't hit your sister. Not the way an older child can. You understand that part. You're not trying to reason with him, you're past that. But you also know that swatting him on his hand or on his bum, any version of that so called disciplinary action to teach him not to hit. That doesn't work either because one if you think about it, it's kind of hypocritical and 2 it's very confusing to you and your child. You might get his attention for a couple of seconds. You might startle him enough to stop that behavior in the moment, but cognitively understanding or hoping to Change his behavior in the future because he learned his lesson. Nah, that doesn't line up. So you've ruled that out. You're not going there with this child at this age because it just doesn't sync up. You don't hit him to teach him how to stop hitting. So here you are. You know what you won't do or can't do, but you don't know what to do instead. So you feel, on one hand, you're too informed to discipline your way out of it, and yet you're too unequipped to know what actually replaces it. And here is the part that makes it harder. You came into this experience with your little one, with experience. You already raised one child through these early years. Most likely it was a girl. Not always, but most likely. And now she's three. She's verbal, she's cooperative, connected, maybe even more independent than you even imagined. And that experience gave you a template, a quiet sense of confidence that you knew how to do this right. You stepped up to the plate, and you both played ball successfully. But now he, your little guy, he's blowing that template apart. It's the same house, it's the same you. It's the same love. And. And yet a completely different child is asking for something you are not prepared to give, because nothing about the first child warned you that the second one was gonna be so strikingly different. That's not failure. That's a gap nobody filled in for you. Yet. That's what I'm here for. And so before we proceed, here's a quick note before we go any further. If you want a clear map of what actually builds a strong talker. Step by step, starting before the words, grab the free guide, using the link down below in the description. It's free. It will help you through these initial stages. Meanwhile, keep listening. Welcome. I'm Erin Heyer. I'm a speech language pathologist with nearly 40 years in clinical work, private practice, public schools, medical settings across multiple states. A few years ago, I closed my private practice, and now I work directly with parents online as a coach and a consultant, and as someone who truly believes that the most important window in your child's development is the one that most parents are navigating completely alone. And so what I do now is what I've always wanted to do. I want to reach you before the problem gets big enough that you have to pick up the phone and call a professional, and then he or she put the name on it. Right? I want to help you stay upstream and always Think prevention first, every time. And this conversation, exactly this one, is about prevention and how we can walk through it. Here's what most moms are actually chasing when their child begins to hit or bite or throw. They're looking for the right response, the right consequence, the right thing to do in the moment so that it stops. And I understand that completely. The behavior is disruptive, it can actually hurt somebody, and it's alarming when another child is involved. So of course you want to stop. But Here is what 40 years of watching this and being in the thick of it with families has taught me. If you are searching for the right correction, you are already asking the wrong question. Correction assumes that something is already in place that your child is simply choosing not to use. Maybe a word, a better option, an impulse break, something he has access to, but for whatever reason, he keeps bypassing. And at 18 months, for many children, especially children this particular style, this particular temperament, that better option hasn't even been built yet. He has no idea. It doesn't exist for him to actually reach toward or consider. It hasn't been installed, let alone developed and mastered. You cannot correct your way to a skill that hasn't been built. So this mom, in the beginning of my story, she didn't need a better reaction to the hitting. She needed to understand what actually builds the thing that replaces it. That is an entirely different question. And it leads to an entirely different conversation. That's the conversation I want to have with you today in this episode. So what happens when you keep hunting for the right correction and can't find it? You begin to try things. A lot of things. Most of the time, time out, redirection, getting down on his level, looking at him in the eye, explaining calmly. Even though part of you knows he doesn't fully track this, he doesn't understand it. It's going over his head. He's looking at you and he's wondering, huh? I don't know what that means. True understanding is just beginning to emerge with a 16 or an 18 or even a 20 month old, even under the best circumstances. So what do you do? You try a firm voice, then you try a calm voice. You even might try ignoring it. So then you go searching more, right? You read something, you try it for a week, and then abandon it when it doesn't hold because none of it really moves the needle every time it doesn't work. And I assure you, most of it will not work because correction is not the mechanism here. So all of these things that you're looking up online and trying, in your best effort, you begin to tuck away. And maybe you tuck it away under thoughts like, I must be doing it wrong. Or maybe you're thinking, he's not responding to me. Maybe there's something wrong with his language. Other kids respond to their moms. Why doesn't he respond to me? And so, week by week, maybe even month by month, all of those trials get tucked away. And your file gets thicker and thicker and the sibling situation keeps escalating. Your 18 month old keeps hitting or snatching or pushing. And then your 3 year old starts to avoid him or maybe start retaliating. The dynamic between them hardens around this one unresolved problem until it starts to feel like, well, that's just who they are together. It's a fixed thing. It's different personalities. It's a personality clash that simply exists. This is my new normal. Meanwhile, you are spending real energy, real emotional currency, chasing a solution that was never going to be found in the discipline drawer. And the actual gap between them and with you stays open. And it's not because you're a bad mother, certainly not. And it's not because you're not trying hard enough. But it's because nobody gave you the right map. And that changes today. So let me start with something foundational, something I don't think gets said enough when we talk about toddlers and early communication. Communication is not a solo act. Nope, it does not develop in isolation. It doesn't emerge because enough time has passed. And it doesn't happen because your child has been around enough words or other kids and watched the through adults or siblings or cousins or whomever. And then they start to use language and thinking and understanding. It is not a waiting game. Kids don't learn communication through osmosis. It happens between people in real time with real people who are present, engaged and doing something specific and intentional alongside your child every single time. That's how language is developed. That is how it is nurtured and mastered. That boy, the one who was hitting and biting and throwing, he is communicating right now. Today. He's using the only language his body can produce fast enough to match what he's feeling, his immediate desires, his frustrations, his wants. He wants something his sister has. He's maybe overwhelmed and his body fires before his brain can even process the thought, let alone catch up with it and wait or use his words. He's frustrated or tired, or maybe he's just eager and it all comes out through his hands. That's communication. It's early, it's pre verbal. It's very physical communication. And what he needs is someone to help him convert that physical communication into something that's more socially appropriate, more kind, more engaging. We don't need to punish it, we need to convert it. And that conversion only happens one way, through another person on purpose, doing the work alongside him, little by little, bit by bit, naturally. And that's where I want to introduce what I call my three P's. And I know that can sound a little packaged, but hang with me for a minute because I think you'll get what the idea is. Think of these three Ps present, purposeful and playful. These are not steps. They're not a checklist. They're not a technique that you can run through when things go sideways. They're the three qualities that have to be in the room for communication development to actually land the three things that make the development stick. And here's what matters most about all of them. You already carry all three. You're not going to go out and acquire something new. You're being called to bring what's already in you more intentionally, more consistently to your child today. So let's walk what these three are and then how can you implement them? The first one present, not just in the room, right? Not just nearby, while he's doing one thing and you're doing another. No. Presence means to be tuned in, noticing what he's doing, what he's reacting to, what's building in him before it peaks. Responding, not just managing. And there's a big difference between managing your child and being present with your child. Management keeps things from escalating. And it's necessary. I understand that and I'm not dismissing it, but it's reactive. Presence teaches. Presence is where the actual learning happens. And for a child with this style, your child who is quick to react, who leads with his body, who doesn't naturally bring you halfway toward that connection the way that maybe some other kids do. Presence has to be more deliberate with them, more active and earlier probably than you're pretty used to. So his sister may have come partway towards you, may have needed less hands on and meeting you together to learn how to communicate with her words. He doesn't come part way, not yet. That's not his style. You have to come most of the way and support him and be in it with him. And you have to do it before the moment or the impact actually happens, not after. Sometimes that means getting literally hands on, right? Literally showing him how to say hello, hold his hand, hello, good Morning. Show him how to wait, hold his hands gently. How to choose a different option. Wait until your sister's done. She's almost done. Meanwhile, let's play over here, walking him through it. Not just telling him, be kind, share. Wait your turn. You can't just tell these kids, these learners have to experience it with you, hand over hand. Walk them through the process. And being present allows you to do that for him. So the second P. Purposeful is really intentional. Not a curriculum, not scheduled lessons, and not anything that requires a special block of time in your day, but intentional learning to be attentive with intention. I know that's a little circular in thinking, but knowing that what you do in ordinary moments has a specific purpose. You're building language. You are the architect and choosing to stay with it, even if and when it's repetitive, even when he doesn't seem to be responding yet you still walk him through it. Purposeful means that you're in the moment before he grabs or hits or pushes. You're close. You're narrating what he's reaching for before his hand gets there. You see him looking and you say, oh. You see the truck. Not a question, not an explanation. You're just naming, right? You are building a bridge between what he's feeling and what he could eventually say. One small moment at a time. You're there before the hit or the grab or the push, right? It takes real effort on your part. I'm not dismissing that. But he is a child that needs that explicitly and taught, especially in this season, these early years. It only takes a few weeks, a few months. But when you load the investment up front, the payoff is remarkable. If you're willing to put it in up here and show him several days in a row, he'll get the picture. You're building trust. And trust is what opens the door for everything that comes after. You're building that trust within your family dynamics. He will have his turn. He will be able to play with that. He will get his drink of water. He will be able to go outside. He's building trust on your word and sharing the home environment with a sibling. And then the third P is playful. And this one, I think, gets underestimated, especially when you. You're exhausted, right? And you're. You're feeling that you have to brace yourself for the next impact because you're unsure of his behavior. And so you're watching your toddler the way that you would maybe watch something that you're about to catch, right? Something's about to teeter and fall, right? And that energy is transmitted to him, that nervousness, that uncomfortable like that, that uncertainty. You don't trust him yet. Children this age feel that emotional temperature in the room with you long before they can name it or understand it. You're uncertain and, and you're doubting yourself, right? Let's be honest. And that's what they feel. When you're wound tight, you're kind of in this surveillance mode. You're dreading the next escalation for sure. And that makes sense. But he feels that and it doesn't help him settle. What you want to create is everybody's in this comfortable zone, that learning can take place. So playfulness is not being silly. And a lot of parents say, oh, I can't do that. It's not acting like a goofball. And it's not actually, you know, performing like you're on stage. You are taking your adult intellect down. So a two or a three year old can understand it and they understand silliness and they understand light heartedness, right? It's the emotional texture that keeps the interaction feeling like it's comfortable rather than a controlled situation or a learning lesson. I know a lot of people online talk about him feeling safe, but I look at it as really feeling comfortable in his own skin, that he's open to learning, he's open to suggestions, he's open to imitating you because it's playful, it's comfortable. It's the difference between a child who is learning to communicate with others, a willing partner, and a child who is learning to behave under pressure. Those are two different scenarios. So for a child who is already reactive, somewhat impulsive, right? Already quick to fire, playfulness is what keeps the window open long enough for something to actually get through. Because you're acting differently, you're bringing light heartedness to the energy of the room. To be present and purposeful and playful. That's the foundation. When we are walking toddlers through learning how to be human, right? Their communication skills are still choppy. So that foundation piece is not a consequence. It's not a technique you apply after something goes wrong either. It's a way of being with him consistently across ordinary daily moments. That is what gives his developing brain what it actually needs to start building something different to wire this language and build tolerance to weight or, or to share or to learn. And one more thing I want to be clear about, because I don't speak in absolutes, right? Eight times out of ten, and I'm estimating here, but when I look across in a room of toddler age boys, I see a recognizable pattern. Faster to react, more physical in expression, needing more explicit hands on guidance long before language catches up and takes over as their primary tool. That pattern is real. It's consistent enough to name but two out of those 10 times, it doesn't look like that at all. I've worked with plenty of girls who were just as reactive, just as physical, who needed every bit of this hand over hand learning and then some. And I've worked with quite a few boys who were easy and connected, pretty grounded from the beginning. They sailed right through these toddler years. Different is not a diagnosis and so absolutes don't work with humans ever, but especially with children. So the child in front of you is not a statistic. What I'm describing is a window when they're 1 and 2 and 3 and hitting that fourth birthday. This is a useful lens. It's not a verdict. And yes, we have temperament styles, but we have to teach them. Your job is to read your child, to know where he is when you wake up in the morning, right? Because who he was yesterday and who he is today, he's gonna bring different energy and you're gonna have to gauge that, know how much he is going to need you from that moment. Right? Oh, maybe it's a clingy day, maybe it's an independent day. You have to judge that. You're not gonna find that on a chart and you're not gonna find it comparing him to other children. You have to look at who he or she is that child right in front of you today. So what does being present and purposeful and playful actually look like in the real life with maybe an 18 month or even a 20, 24 month old? Right. And you have to understand this period, they're only occasionally tolerant of waiting or even open to learning. They're engaged in whatever is immediately around them. So you have to make everyday experiences meaningful. And it starts before a problem arises, right. It's not during it and it's not after it because they can't really reflect. And I know you're going to see a lot of people online that say that they do, but they don't reflect on previous behavior. You can talk about modeling that, you can use it in real time, but it's always before. So it's important that you stay close physically. Right. You stay in their visual field for sure. But most of the time it's arm's distance when possible. And when you can, and I hope you can get on the floor with him, not across the room. That's not being present or purposeful. You are watching what he's drawn to, noticing what he's tracking with his eyes. You are naming what he's thinking about or reaching for long before his hand gets there. If you know that he is in the middle of this and trying to learn how to navigate appropriately, he needs your support to do that. Use simple words, short, clear, no real explanation, just be matter of fact. When the situation between him and his sister starts to build and you learn to feel it before it actually peaks, you move in. If you know that afternoon is harder than morning, you move in, you set the stage. If you know you're, like I said, you're in the thick of it. Be strategic. Have play moments as practice. Be strategic with the three of you. Show him your expectations naturally. How do you share with your 3 year old? How do you communicate with your 3 year old? How do you wait? Oh, I'm waiting, right? Marilyn is playing with that doll. I really love that doll, but I'm waiting. So you're not intervening when things go awry. You're not there in it with them just to correct them. You're present to give his body your calm anchor before it fires and to give him a model to learn through. And this is not hovering either. It's about being close enough to gently redirect his hands, mostly, right? To shift the dynamic if he starts getting stressed or she starts getting territorial or to offer a different option before everything begins to escalate. And that's not a helicopter mom, that's knowing exactly what the stage of development requires and you showing up in it with them. And that's the first move. And then over time, not, you know, in a couple of days, but in a few weeks, maybe even a month or two, something starts to happen. That gap between his impulse and the behavior begins to widen. Maybe it's just a fraction in the beginning and then you see a little bit more, but that gap eventually means that he is starting to use his words. Or maybe it's a gesture, something other than heading. Maybe he looks to you like, help me out here, it's my turn to play with that truck, right? And that's how conversations happen. Slowly, through presence, through another person on purpose, doing the work alongside him day after day, moment after moment. And the truth is, it might not look like much from the outside, but it's happening underneath, I assure you. And this is what happens in therapy all the time, is that they get that experience and it's successful. And then they begin to feel what it's like to wait or to share or to do without. And here is what I've come to believe more firmly with every passing decade that I've worked with little ones. The capacity for this is already in him. The wiring for connection, that's God designed the wiring for human communication. That's what makes us different than any other animal out there. For eventually expressing himself in ways that don't require someone else's discomfort or pain or angst. Right? It's there, it's built into our DNA. It needs a guide. It doesn't happen on its own. It needs a present, purposeful, playful or light hearted other person to help organize it into something useful. He was designed for this and you were designed to be his guide. So one thing this week, not a system, just one thing. What I want you to consider before that hitting moment, before the situation between your two children even begins to have a chance to build. I want you to move in, to get close, to get low on the ground with them, to stay in his visual field and arm's reach. Not to prevent something, not to intervene or correct, just to be there. And when the moment calls for it, gently hold his hand or show him how to say hello. Walk him through that process of asking, oh, you want the truck, honey? Ask your sister, Marilyn, are you done with it? Ask. Oh, she's not done yet. You have to wait. It's okay. One small move made before the hit lands. And know that when you have an 18 month old or a 24 month and a three or a three and a half year old or any age difference like that, that newborn and that three year old, you have to be in it with them. He is not independent yet. They are not able to manage it on their own. But that's it for this week. I just want presence before everything else. Bring the temperature in the room down, always before you start to correct or lecture or swat or do timeout, any of those other things that are not working for you, let's be honest. When he can feel you nearby, calm, tuned in, not braced for impact, not untrusting. But you've already changed the conditions in the moment because you are leading the temperature in that room, you're lowering the stress. And that is not a small thing, that is actually the whole thing. It's kind of in a miniature form. But every skill that comes after it gets built on this foundation. So I want you to try it this week. Don't watch for a shift in his behavior. Yet what you watch for is a shift in the temperature in the room. That is what changes first. You feel it and they feel it. So here's what I want you to hold on to from this episode. He is not a bad kid. He is not broken and he's not behind in any way that needs fixing or he's just permanent. That's just his personality he is developing and developing is workable. It's our job to shape it so the hitting, the biting, the throwing. That is the current language that he is holding onto, the only one his body can produce fast enough right now to say what he's feeling or needing or wanting. Your work, your responsibility. The specific intentional work his style is asking you for is to help him build a better verbal system. That work starts with presence. It lives inside the three Ps present, purposeful and playful. But presence is the beginning and it is absolutely something that you can do in your home with what you already have. Starting today, if you want the full picture of what actually comes before words, the sequence is all laid out clearly, step by step in that handout that I offer down below in the description. It's a free link. Just join my email list and you will get all of the underneath building before true words happen. So next week we will go a step deeper. We're talking about attention, specifically joint attention, and what it means for your child to share focus with you and why without it, almost nothing else lands the way that it should. So be present. Lower the temperature in the room. I'm here with you and thanks for talking toddlers. God bless. I'll see you next week.