It’s Dumping Season: Why You Should Break Up With Him

Summary

Podcast Summary: Tall Blonde Episode - “It’s Dumping Season: Why You Should Break Up With Him”

Host: Sarah Lauren
Guest: Amy Brown
Presented by: MBHTV
Release Date: November 29, 2024
Duration: 43 minutes

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Introduction to Dumping Season

In this empowering episode of Tall Blonde, host Sarah Lauren and her friend Amy Brown delve into the phenomenon they term "Dumping Season"—a period characterized by an increase in breakups and the subsequent embrace of single life. The hosts discuss the rejuvenating effects of ending unhealthy relationships and provide listeners with actionable advice on navigating post-breakup life.

Embracing Single Life

Sarah and Amy open the conversation by sharing their personal experiences of recently ending tumultuous relationships. Sarah confesses, “[00:00] I ended a two-year talking stage and actually feel guilty about it because of manipulation,” highlighting the emotional complexities involved in long-term non-committal relationships. Amy quickly supports her, affirming, “[00:18] A two-year talking stage. Girl, you did the right thing.”

They both emphasize the importance of self-growth post-breakup. Sarah reflects, “[01:46] It’s two months of literally freedom. None other than getting over it and working on yourself,” underscoring the liberation that comes from focusing on personal development rather than lingering in unfulfilling relationships.

Tips for Romanticizing Single Life

The hosts offer practical strategies for embracing singlehood and combating loneliness:

1. Lean on Your Support System: Amy advises, “[03:35] I think so often when you're fresh out of a relationship, you immediately think you need to find someone else to fill that void and jump into another relationship. But I think it's so important to sit in your independence and not try and find someone else right away.”

2. Engage in Social Activities: Sarah suggests, “[04:05] Even if you do live alone, find someone that you can do those things with and fill that void. It's about replacing the intimacy you seek with meaningful friendships.”

3. Re-entering the Dating Scene: The hosts discuss the appropriate timing for dating after a breakup. Amy emphasizes, “[07:16] Three months probably is a good timeline,” allowing adequate time to heal before seeking new relationships.

Identifying Red Flags in Relationships

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to recognizing and addressing red flags in potential and current partners. Sarah and Amy share personal anecdotes that illustrate the importance of identifying unhealthy behaviors early on.

• Manipulative Behavior: Sarah recounts a distressing experience where her ex-boyfriend attempted to manipulate her emotions during a party. “[14:19] I put on my story, which I do a lot, so follow my socials. [Later] It was a situation where he manipulates me to believe that if I didn’t flirt with another woman, his life would be in danger.”

• Red Flags in Financial Etiquette: The hosts discuss the significance of financial behavior on dates. Sarah shares her stance on who should pay on first dates: “[11:02] I honestly don’t even ask to pay for or split the bill. If a man asks you to split the bill or pay, it’s a red flag.”

• Ex-Contacts and Boundaries: Amy highlights, “[17:59] A red flag in general is a man still in contact with an ex or even like has a girl best friend that they're really close with,” stressing the importance of setting boundaries to protect one’s emotional well-being.

Personal Stories and Lessons Learned

The duo candidly shares their own experiences with cheating and manipulation, providing listeners with relatable and cautionary tales.

• Sarah’s Experience with Cheating: “[27:37] I found out through a laptop that my boyfriend was seeing someone else. I confronted him, and he deceitfully communicated with his other partner, forcing me to leave.”

• Amy’s Story of Gaslighting: Although Amy opts not to delve deeply into her experience, she acknowledges the prevalence of gaslighting, a manipulative tactic used to undermine an individual’s perception of reality.

Overcoming Cheating and Moving Forward

Both hosts emphasize that cheating is a reflection of the cheater’s character, not the worth of the person being cheated on.

• Amy’s Insight: “[25:05] If you can do that to a partner that you love and you’re in a happy relationship with, you’ll do it a hundred times again,” reinforcing that such behavior is unlikely to change.

• Sarah’s Empowerment Message: “[25:37] And don’t question yourself. Don’t ever think that it's because of you. The right man will never cheat on their partner.”

Setting Relationship Goals and Boundaries

The conversation shifts to the importance of aligning long-term goals with potential partners, particularly regarding marriage and family.

• Determining Compatibility: Sarah advises, “[40:23] So, like, what? Where do you see yourself in five years? Do you want kids? Because you better want to marry me if you don’t want to marry me.”

• Self-Respect and Standards: Both hosts stress maintaining self-respect by not settling for partners who do not share their life goals. Amy concurs, “[40:22] Yeah, that’s such a big thing. And I think it’s scary to talk about in the beginning, but eventually, it gets to a point where you need to be aligned on that.”

Conclusion: Empowerment and Moving Forward

In wrapping up the episode, Sarah and Amy reinforce the importance of self-love, setting boundaries, and learning from past relationships to foster healthier future connections.

• Final Advice from Sarah: “[43:01] And if they’re leading you on for two years, I’m so sorry, but it’s not going to happen. If it’s not timed correctly, walk away and find something better.”

• Amy’s Supportive Closing: “[43:07] Yeah. We’re happy to hear.”

Listeners are encouraged to embrace their single status, learn from past experiences, and approach future relationships with clarity and self-respect.

Key Takeaways

1. Value Your Independence: Use post-breakup time for personal growth and self-discovery.
2. Recognize Red Flags: Be vigilant of manipulative behaviors and set clear boundaries in relationships.
3. Healthy Support Systems: Rely on friends and family to navigate feelings of loneliness.
4. Set Clear Relationship Goals: Ensure long-term compatibility with partners regarding marriage and family.
5. Empowerment Through Experience: Learn from past relationships to foster healthier future connections.

Notable Quotes

• Sarah on Manipulation: “[00:00] I think it's like a dumping season right now and for some reason I kind of have joy from it because I love when people break up because I think it's a time for you to focus on yourself and be so in your own growth.”

• Amy on Independence: “[03:35] But I think it's so important to sit in your independence and not try and find someone else right away.”

• Sarah on Red Flags: “[12:52] If a man asks you to split the bill or wants you to pay for things on the first couple of dates, I hate to say it, but I think that's a red flag.”

• Amy on Cheating: “[25:05] If you can do that to a partner that you love and you’re in a happy relationship with, you’ll do it a hundred times again.”

• Sarah on Relationship Goals: “[40:23] So, like, what? Where do you see yourself in five years? Do you want kids? Because you better want to marry me if you don’t want to marry me.”

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For more insights and unfiltered discussions on dating and personal growth, follow Sarah Lauren on her social media platforms and tune in to future episodes of Tall Blonde.

Transcript

[A]

I think it's like a dumping season right now and for some reason I kind of have joy from it because I love when people break up because I think it's a time for you to focus on yourself and be so in your own growth. I confess, I ended a two year talking stage and actually feel guilty about it because of manipulation.

[B]

A two year talking stage. Girl, you did the right thing.

[A]

A two year talking stage is illegal if they don't want to have something with you. Like three months, we leave, we walk out, we hold our head held high and we say bye. Bye. Now I don't know what's happening to us females. It is so rare for us to. Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Tall Blonde. Now, today we're talking a lot about relationships. And me and one of my friends have been through a lot in relationships. So guess who's back? None other than the Amy Brown. Now, I mean, we've been through a lot. When I say been through a lot, I mean been through the Trekker in this case. But we are both now single and we are romanticizing it. I said the other day to Amy that I honestly feel so happy and so content right now with where I am in life. And it has to do with both of us and, you know, going through it and then coming out the other side and escaping from bad relationships and then finally being happy and like finding that happiness in that part of our life. Because yes, we both have come from great families, we both have amazing friends, but at the end of the day, we are both single and we both ended from a relationship that wasn't the cleanest. Is that a good way to say it?

[B]

That's a good way to put it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're how long single?

[B]

About two months now. So it's still kind of fresh, but enough time.

[A]

But a clean single, like a clean. No going back, single, single. So it's two months of literally freedom. None other than getting over it and working on yourself.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I've been single for not clean. I want to say two years, but like, I haven't been dating anyone in two years, but since my ex, we were on and off, unfortunately, disgustingly, horribly. But three months.

[B]

Congratulations.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

It does.

[A]

It deserves a freaking cheer. If anything deserves a drink that deserves cheers to that. I hope all of you just drank two to that because you should be proud of yourself. And if you're going back to an ex. I'm not that team. I'm not on your team on that side, but that's okay. So in regards to romanticizing the single life, how would you say we've been doing so, or how would you say you would give advice to people as to how they should romanticize it? Because a lot of the times it's lonely. It's very lonely. And I thought when I was living in New York and living alone that I had to get back with him because I thought he was the only person that knew me, that understood me, that I thought he was my person. And I didn't realize until three months or a month ago till we moved in with each other and started actually hearing each other out and listening to each other and giving each other support, but also just walking each other through the situations that I realized I didn't need to go back to an ex. So what are some tips or what do you even think we've been doing that other people might have not thought about yet?

[B]

I think so often when you're fresh out of a relationship, you immediately think you need to find someone else to fill that void and jump into another relationship.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Occupy your mind with other men. But I think it's so important to sit in your independence and not try and find someone else right away. Like enjoy being alone, have fun with your girlfriends, rely on your support system. I think that's so important. And we've definitely been doing that 100.

[A]

And I think we said this in another podcast, but we are basically dating each other. And I know that some people don't live together with another roommate, but you do gotta confide in your people or your family or your friends. And for us it just worked out perfectly that we do live together so we can do everything and we are very similar. But even if you do live a alone, like find someone that you can do those things with and fill that void, it's socks not being able to go on dates with the person that you actually care about. I mean, you should be going on dates. So get yourself on hinge, get yourself on Tinder, get yourself on all the dating apps and put yourself out there. Even though they might not be the one and it might be too soon for a relationship, it is still good to show you and see that there are other guys out there that are potential for you. I think that it is so necessary for that.

[B]

No, yeah, I agree. I think date your girlfriends. Like when you would, I guess in a past situation, go out with a guy or go to dinner with your ex. I think replace that person with a girlfriend and it'll fulfill you in the same kind of way.

[A]

But what's your stance on kind of throwing yourself back into dating. Like the dating scene after a breakup. Like, I would say maybe don't do it in the first week because you need to grieve. But I think it's totally fair and totally okay to put yourself out there and date.

[B]

Yeah, I think so, too. When you're ready, like you. It might bring up emotions if you start to date too soon. So give yourself the time to heal. But then dating is fun. Like, go on the dates, hang out with other men and see who's out.

[A]

There, and let them treat you, let them spoil you. Let them give you that giddy feeling of, oh, my gosh, someone's actually putting an effort for me. Because at a lot of the times at the end. At the end of the relationship, they stop putting an effort for you and they stop trying. And you deserve to feel wanted, to feel needed, to feel the chivalry that a lot of the times is dead.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we've experienced. I mean, we go to the bar now and it might be because we're two little ditzy blondes. I mean, I don't know if ditzy is the right word, but pretty blondes. But I think that going out and things and just seeing, maybe you get a shot or maybe you get a free whatever, or someone comes up to your table and talks to you and flirts with you. It just shows you that you still have so much left to live for. And there is love out there.

[B]

Yeah. There's plenty of fish in the sea. There is plenty of men out there. I think we've experienced that.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Going out.

[A]

Very much so. And I mean, it took a little bit. Like, we still look at each other and we're like, what do we do? Like, we don't love the ones we're talking to, or we do for a second and then we don't, and then we do. And, like, you go through phases after it, but I think of the three and three rules. So I think three months it will take you after breaking up to at least even fully open yourself up to, like, dating someone not dating and dates. I think it takes three months to actually open yourself up to considering a relationship.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's fair.

[A]

How long would you say it would take?

[B]

Three months probably is a good timeline.

[A]

Because a month is too soon.

[B]

A month is way too soon. Two months. You're just getting into it in the back of your head. Yeah, yeah. Three months. I feel like you've had the time to heal. You're ready to put yourself back out there.

[A]

And the whole lonely part. Like, it is so lonely being alone. I mean, you don't have that person in bed. You don't have that person to just say you tripped over something or dropped your latte. How would you tell people to deal with loneliness?

[B]

I think, again, relying on your girlfriends and filling that void with the people that are closest to you, Whether it's family, whether it's your best friends. Like, leaning on the people that are in your support system because that's so important. You will still need other people to fill that space. Like, it can't all come from yourself. But I think, yeah, just like keeping your circle close and knowing who you can go to when you are feeling lonely. I am a big facetimer, so I facetime my best friends. Like, if I'm at home by myself, I'll FaceTime my best friend so I don't feel lonely. And she's probably heard the same stories hundreds and hundreds of times. But having those people you can go to when you're going through it and.

[A]

It would be the same for her. Like, you would be that friend, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's crazy because right now a lot of people are going through breakups. Like, a lot of people are so many going into this phase. And I wish. I mean, we're pre recording this, so this is going to go out a little bit later than when we're actually saying this out loud. But I think it's like a dumping season right now.

[B]

Something is in the air because everyone's breaking up.

[A]

And for some reason, I kind of have joy from it because I love when people break up. I don't like when I break up, but I like when other people break up. Because I think it's a time for you to focus on yourself, yourself and be so in your own growth and your own whatever that is. If you want to focus on spirituality or fitness or mental. Yeah. Work, whatever that may be, it's so important to, like, tap back in. And you know that feeling when, like, you're with someone and you're always making sure that they're okay and cooking dinner for them or checking up on them or making sure they get to work fine and things like that. Like, you get so consumed, especially when you worry about the relationship. Like when you think it's kind of failing. I feel like you go into more of a, okay, I'm gonna make sure that he's perfect or she's doing so well, and I'm gonna forget about myself.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And there Was a tick tock that we watched the other day that. What did they say? What did she say? It was so good.

[B]

She said, you can't be too obsessed with the man and what he's doing and always concerned about what he's having for dinner or what he's doing on his Friday night to be more obsessed with what you're having for dinner, what you're doing on a Friday night, what are your weekend plans? Y and the man in the relationship will recognize that and actually respect you more if you focus on yourself more than you focus on your partner in a relationship.

[A]

And they fall in love with someone that is so dedicated. Like, it is so rare now. I don't know what's happening to us females. It is so rare for us to totally be dedicated to ourselves. It's like a lot of us try to find men that will provide for us, support us, give us everything that we need so that we don't have to do anything. And it's like, that is so not it. We're in 2024 and we should be so okay to follow our dreams, chase our dreams, even. Like, you can do it while you have babies and kids and this and that, or you can pick up a new freaking career path after you have kids. And I think it's so important to keep doing that. And I mean, a bonus is that men fall in love with it when you're trying hard.

[B]

Something I think you, you should never rely on a man too much. No, like, have him there. And like we said before, chivalry, let them pay for the dates. Let them take care of you in a sense, but always be able to take care of yourself at the same time.

[A]

Okay, because you said take you on dates and stuff. I need to talk to you about this because I actually need your opinion.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So I used to be the person that would, you know, offer to pay or split the bill during dates and even first dates or second dates or third or fourth. And my first relationship, I think when we were dating, I paid for half. So I would go, not half of the dinner, but like every other dinner or every other date that we went on, I'd pay for it. And I think that's fine when you're dating. But now a few years later, out of relationships, I honestly from. I mean, I've been dating guys secrets out, but now I don't even offer to pay because I'm like, in the life that I want. I want you to be able to, you know, go out of your way to make me Feel so special, especially on the first date, especially on an anniversary, especially on a birthday or something like that. I want you to be able to do that. So why am I asking to pay for a first date when I'm not going to show up if I don't care about you? So I'm clearly there for a reason. I got all dolled up. Makeup is expensive, clothing is expensive. I probably tried on 17 outfits. There is no way that you didn't. If you're going on a first date, and I honestly don't even ask to pay for or split the bill.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's totally fine because.

[A]

I think they need to take care of it.

[B]

Yeah. You have to set the expectation early on. And if a guy is asking you to split a bill or wanting you to pay for things on the first couple of dates, I hate to say it, but I think that's a red flag.

[A]

Huge red flag.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If a man looks at you, oh, my God. If you pay the bill. I am so sorry, sweetheart. If you pay the bill at a first date with a man or significant other that is the male equivalent or like the more dominant person, and you're the one to pay the bill, or they ask you to pay the bill, it's done, it's cut, it's. You're out. We're running out of the thing. We're saying we have to go to the bathroom quickly. We forgot our purse. You're gonna honestly take a purse and forget your wallet?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But bring your ID just in case you have so much fun that you want to go to the bar after.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's really weird because when I go out, like on my ideal first date would be ordering drinks and I am our dirty martini girl.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

What do you.

[B]

Espresso Martini, usually.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. And I want to just share plates because I think it's cute, but I would want to get a shot to like. Cool.

[B]

Yeah. You love that.

[A]

No. Yeah.

[B]

I'm not a shot girl, but I know that you love a shot to get things going.

[A]

So if they offered you one, what would you do?

[B]

I would take it.

[A]

You would take it?

[B]

I would take it. I'm not opposed. I just probably wouldn't order one.

[A]

So when we go on our dates and if I offer you, it will.

[B]

You know, I'm taking it.

[A]

Okay, good. Just wanted to make sure that was that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But okay, now that we're on red flags, I wasn't even going to talk about this here, but let's talk about a little few more red Flags.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because I thought of one that I put on TikTok one time and you guys might have seen this, but this was like a year or two or three ago. I remember putting on. I know, I think it was an ick, but it's still a red flag. No, it's probably an ick, but I'm going to say it anyways because it was terrifying.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I was at a party in. I want to say high school or university. Maybe university, because high school, I don't even remember and I'm trying to block it out of my memory. Bad, bad times. We both didn't have a good experience in high school.

[B]

No, but I still.

[A]

Let's say university just for the hell of it. I was in university. We were playing beer pong. We're playing like flip cup, stack up. That's like whatever. And then, you know, it kind of dies down. Everyone's already taking shots and hooking up and whatever. And then you go into beer pong. And I was partnered up with this cute boy and the ball fell. Like the ping pong ball fell. Yes, of course. You need to get it so that you can drop it in, you know, or else the other person can. What? You have to keep chugging. Your partner has to keep chugging.

[B]

I don't think so. I think that's a different game.

[A]

Oh, whatever. Well, the goal is that you have to get it really quickly. Is it? I don't even know. No, honestly, I think beer pong, it doesn't even matter how quick you get it. I think it's fine. Let it fall, let it wander. Let it go all over the house. Let it vacuum this damn place. But no, he goes running for it, sprinting. Really? Like, I'm surprised he didn't slip onto his hands and knees at that point. No, he went running. Imagine a grown ass man, someone that you're, you know, considering doing things with, running after a ping pong ball.

[B]

Yeah, that's not a good image for me.

[A]

It was cut. End of story. That's it. I think it was my party. Shut the place down. We are done. We are going out, ladies. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's over. At that point, like, there is no.

[A]

Coming back from that one.

[B]

No. That's so specific.

[A]

It is so specific. But think about it. Do you not understand? No.

[B]

Now I have an image in my mind. Yeah, trauma. It's not good.

[A]

It's just not fair for the female. A man run after ping pong ball, sweetheart. Let me.

[B]

Yeah, let me. We got this one.

[A]

Let me follow it. Down the street.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I'll pick it up.

[B]

You would do it with a lot more dignity, I'm sure, than that, man.

[A]

Oh, my God. I would do it so pretty.

[B]

I would do it dainty.

[A]

Dainty. Everything but you. You need to sit the down. Yeah, not even sit. Stand. Stand tall. Okay. Even taller than you probably are because you probably a little shorter than me, but that's okay.

[B]

There should be like a designated ball retriever when you play beer pong, like in tennis, someone that goes to grab the ball for you if it like, flies out of the.

[A]

I have never. We need to maybe cut that out of here because if people get a hand of that, that's a brand deal.

[B]

Yeah, that's a good business idea.

[A]

Genius thing I've ever heard in my entire life. I think we've touched on quite a few things for being single because.

[B]

Wait, we can get into so many more X.

[A]

Okay. Talk.

[B]

Okay. Well, yours was real specific.

[A]

Like, we narrowed it down and we're done. Thank you for watching the podcast. Okay, I have to cough.

[B]

We'll cut that out. We narrowed it down to one specific moment in your life that obviously haunts you.

[A]

Triggering.

[B]

But I would say there's so many more icks that we can get into. And this is one that I think we talked about recently. But an ick, or just a red flag in general, is a man still in contact with an ex or even like, has a girl best friend that they're really close with.

[A]

I don't think I. I mean, I said this before. Girls and guys can't be friends, period. End of story.

[B]

Yeah, I agree.

[A]

But the whole talking your ex, like, I get it, I've been there, but I wasn't over my.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Why are you still texting them? You had a romantic connection. There is no. Yes, the friendship was there, but it will take years to get that romance and love pulled out of it. Not even years. Like, I don't understand why anyone, if it was like a real relationship, would go back and have that as a friend.

[B]

Yeah, I think you're just not over it at that point if you're still in contact with an ex.

[A]

But that made me think of something. I. Every single relationship that I've had, and I think I like three, is the actual number of real relationships I've had. Situationships. Don't even get me freaking started. Because I could say that, yeah, I could talk about this all day. Endless. But three real relationships, and every single one of them have either blocked me, unfollowed me Blocked my number. Like, they try to get out of any way. Like, I don't know if I'm scary of a human or I do post a lot. So, like, my excuse for it. And they're like. My friends are like, well, why did he block you? I'm like, I boast a lot.

[B]

That's why I think that's the most considerate thing they could do for you, is to block you.

[A]

The sweetest thing.

[B]

Yeah. Then it's out of sight, out of mind. You can move on, you can heal, and you don't have to have this ex in the back of your mind.

[A]

They don't even deserve to be there.

[B]

No.

[A]

But I mean, a little story time to get juicy. Because I don't really give up about the guy that I'm about to say the story about my ex. One of them, let's say, let's call him Jimmy. Jimmy. Straight up. We were on and off for about four years. We ended on bad terms because he was having me over while he had a thing with somebody else. So I'm assuming he was trying to move on and he had me over. I was kind of living with him for a week. And then I found out about it. I called her, we talked about it. I think she even. He even told her that he loved her, which crushed me at the time. But now I'm like, go love her. Stop loving me.

[B]

Please love her.

[A]

Please love her.

[B]

We want you to love her. Please.

[A]

I don't know why I keep going. Like, I keep.

[B]

Because you're over it.

[A]

I'm so over it. But then I'm still in New York at this point. I then finally moved back from New York, and I'm happy as hell with Amy. We're living here. We're doing our thing. We are not even thinking about this man.

[B]

Thriving.

[A]

Thriving. I wake up, wake up to a.3 rings, then it ends. I open my eyes and I look at the phone. It's like 8am at this point. It is none other. None other than Jimmy. And I'm like, whoa. Must have been like, can't even be a butt dial because you haven't talked to me in three to four months after that whole sitch. And then I get a text saying, hey, Sarah, Lauren, hope you're enjoying Good morning, Sarah Lauren. Hope you're enjoying your time back in Toronto. Give me a call when you get a chance. The audacity of men these days. What do you like? You think I'm a. Hey, pal, you think I'm gonna give you a favor?

[B]

Yeah, no. You think I owe you a call because you asked for it?

[A]

No, absolutely not. And I send it to you. And what did you say?

[B]

I think I was like, oh, my God, don't reply, block.

[A]

And then I open my Instagram and I don't have my notifications turned on, but I open my Instagram and What happens?

[B]

He DMs you.

[A]

He DM'd me and he said, I don't know if your number is still your number. Like, sorry, no, I fully changed it for no fucking reason. Now my number still my number and I just don't want to answer you. But he messaged that and he goes, I need to ask you something. I was like, okay. Didn't respond. Just deleted it. Didn't even read it. Deleted everything. So his number isn't even there. Yes, I memorized his number, but it's fine. And then I go a day and he calls again and he proceeds to try. Jimmy is gonna start a podcast. I would love to see it. I would love to see it. What are you gonna talk about? We gonna go back and forth. Someone's gonna have watch mine and then they're gonna have to watch yours. No, Jimmy, it doesn't work like that. Okay, Good luck getting behind a mic.

[B]

I think that was the ego kicking in. And his way of saying, oh, I'm not reaching out because I miss you or because I want this back. I'm reaching out because I. I need something from you. Which is bull.

[A]

And he tried to cover it, but, like, we're not idiots.

[B]

We're not falling for that.

[A]

No, we're not falling for that. And also, ask anybody else. Ask anybody else in this entire world. Literally anybody. Ask the person on the street or any other person that has a podcast. Also, you've never even seen my podcast, cuz it's not even out yet.

[B]

So what, do you Google it? Yeah, you can find the answer.

[A]

Literally, Google it. Ask anybody. So. Not me, Jimmy. Not me.

[B]

No.

[A]

Sorry, I had to get that story out.

[B]

No, I'm glad you did.

[A]

On my mind. And I was like, I needed to say it.

[B]

Yeah. And I'm so proud of how you handle that because it is so enticing when an ex reaches out to give some kind of response, whether it's aggressive or whether it's like, let's talk and how have you been? But it's so much more powerful, especially if you have no intention of talking to them again. It's so much more powerful to ignore.

[A]

Yes. And I'm so proud of myself. Like I know you're proud of me, and I love that. Love you for it. But I. A year ago, I wouldn't have been able to do it, and I didn't do it. I gave in every time. And that's life. And you learn from it and you make those mistakes. But I'm so proud of myself. And I did want to know what he wanted to say before I knew that it was about my freaking podcast.

[B]

But which it wasn't.

[A]

Which it definitely wasn't. But I did. And I was like, okay, like, do I answer and hear him out? Am I going to regret not hearing him out? And then I go, no, because of this new girl that is essentially supposed to be with him called me on the phone and said, hey, he cheated on me. Should I get back with him? Will he change? With no hesitation. In my mind, I'd say, no, run and go find yourself somebody better. That isn't going to do this to you because it is not a trait or it is not a mistake. It is who he is as a person.

[B]

Yeah, People don't change.

[A]

No.

[B]

If you can do that to a partner that you love and you're in a happy relationship with, you'll do it a hundred times again. You'll do it with any partner you have in the future.

[A]

And cheating, like, we've both been through relationships that have cheating in them, it's traumatizing. It makes you question yourself. It makes you question the entire relationship. It was real or whatever, but sometimes it is just who they are. And if they do it to you, someone that they loved, they'll do it to anybody else. And it's kind of sad to realize that because you probably question, you know, your relationship, but stop questioning. Your relationship is quite literally just their character and who they are.

[B]

And don't question yourself. Don't ever think that it's because of you. Because the right man will never cheat on their partner. And it's never a reflection of who they're with. It's a reflection collection of them. The cheater. So I think. I mean, as women, it's so easy to be like, what did I do wrong? I wasn't enough. That's why he cheated. No, that's not the answer. It's because that guy has issues that he needs to work through, and you're better off without him.

[A]

Yeah, it's. They didn't cheat on you because you looked bad that day.

[B]

That's not it.

[A]

I want to get into a bit of a guilty conscience and manipulative men. How did you find out about the cheating scandal with your boyfriend. Do you want to get into that or no?

[B]

This is. Maybe we shouldn't get into that.

[A]

Okay, I'll get into mine.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So I've been cheated on quite a bit. My first relationship, I was a freaking detective. This is right now. Starting now, it's how to find a cheater. Okay. First thing first, I found out through a laptop, someone randomly told me that my boyfriend somebody else. And I was like, ain't no way. So I went to his house. I went there, and I go, log into your laptop. And he was like, why? And I said, log into your laptop right now. He logged in. I pulled up imessage. Everything was deleted. Like, I had to sign in to his imessage. And then all you see is all the way down, you know, every single notification ever. So I waited a bit, and then I went in and typed in her number. And then the actual conversations on the other side, the actual conversation had nothing. It was don't or no. The actual conversation was, I didn't do that. Like, don't ruin this relationship for me. Blah, blah. And he. She's like, yes. Like, I won't. Whatever the other darker side was. Okay, I'm picking her up now. Don't say anything about you.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And I was like, that made my tummy turn in so many ways. I want to throw up. I want to scream. I want to kick you. But there. This is not my house. This is not even who I am. So I ran.

[B]

That's so hard. And I think it's so much harder in your situation because it was a friend. So you were dealing with the betrayal of two people, which I can't even imagine going through that, especially when you're a young teenage girl. That's a lot to process.

[A]

And that was my first love. That was the first guy I ever had sex with.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Like, did me dirty, but I'm dirty. Like, please. Like, thank you for doing that. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Because my daughter's gonna have a little thing happen to her, and I'm gonna be like, listen. That is so valid. I'm here for you. I feel you. But, baby girl, you can get through it because I got through worse.

[B]

Exactly. And I think life sometimes teaches you in brutal ways.

[A]

Brutal.

[B]

Who does not deserve to be in your life? And you have to learn that lesson and just cut them off and say, you don't deserve any access to me. We're not. You're not in my life anymore.

[A]

It's so true. And sometimes, if it wasn't for that brutal way, you wouldn't have walked away.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

If it wasn't for that horrible thing that made you sick, made you not eat, made you uncomfortable, made you self conscious, you wouldn't have. You wouldn't have walked away. You wouldn't have left.

[B]

Yeah. Also, it leads you to something better.

[A]

Okay, one last one. Because I can't give all my secrets away is he was sleeping. This is so bad. I can't believe I'm even saying.

[B]

Do I know the story?

[A]

No. He was sleeping beside me, and this girl was getting, like, way too comfy for comfort, and she was kind of like, pushing me at the bar, and I was like, ain't no way that there's nothing going on. So he was sleeping beside me, and I took his phone, and he was snoring like he was out cold. I took his phone and I put it up to his face. Got in, went to go find her, and I saw nasty, nasty messages. So what do I do? I screen record it with my phone. I sent it to my best friend. I put my phone down. I don't even say anything to her. She's just getting a random video of no contact. She'll put it. She'll piece it. She piece it together very, very well. I love you, Ivana. You did that. But then I. The only thing I could grab was a pillow, wasn't going to kill him. So I was like, let me just hurt you for a second. Threw the pillow at him, woke him up, and he was like, whoa, what? And he tries to tell me that. No, no, no, it's nothing. Literally not a big deal. Like, I had to say that or else she would freak out and go crazy and, like, get people on me and whatever. I go, honestly, at that point, I was like, wait, what? Like, she's gonna go crazy. No, he made. He manipulated me to believe that if he didn't flirt with this woman back, his life would be in danger.

[B]

That's a lesson in gaslighting if I've ever heard it.

[A]

Freaking lighting. Oh, my God. We need to do a podcast on gas lighting. Because I've been gaslit up my ass so many times that it is hilarious. And I'm so happy to be on the other side. The gas is being lit and I'm watching it now. Like, I am not involved.

[B]

We can sense the gas lighting from a mile away at this point.

[A]

I can smell it from, like, New York and I'm in Toronto. I can literally smell it. And I'm like someone's getting gaslit. I can feel it.

[B]

Yeah. Yes.

[A]

Thank freaking God.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So I put on my story, which I do a lot, so follow my socials. Sarah Lawrence, 71 or underscore 71. But I put on my story. What even was it? Something about guilty conscience and manipulative men. Tell me your story times. And we have a few. So let's go through a few and say how we would handle it. Because I think we're, we're on the other side. Okay. Guilty confession. I give older men a chance, even though most of them are just as bad.

[B]

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. No, we don't discriminate against age. I mean past a certain point, like if they're gray and if they are.

[A]

30 years older than you. We need, we need to have a conversation. We need to talk about it because what that might be considered to some daddy issues. But also I don't even know if my dad's 30. No, he is over 30. Name yours? Yes. Yes. Had to think about that. It takes me a little longer to think about things. Sorry, I stole that recently. Yes, I, I agree. My family literally thinks I'm crazy. It's fine. Another time.

[B]

They love you.

[A]

They love me. So I give older men a chance even though most of them are just as bad. Yes. Of like a lot of men are bad. No age will stop them from being bad if they want to be bad. But I did the same thing. And you know what I realized? I did not dated. I was with in a situation with someone 10 years older than me then I'm now talking to people that are one year younger than me. Woohoo. The first time ever. But they're so much more fun, they're so much more lively and they still have goals, they still have things they want to accomplish. They're still successful and they will be successful and I believe in them. But these older men, sometimes it's like, yes. If you've, you know, what is it? A younger soul or a. They're more open or whatever. A younger vibe. You can still be in that environment where you both enjoy each other's company and have fun. But sometimes it's like, no, I don't want to sit at home forever and not do anything. And no. Yeah, we don't relate.

[B]

You have to find someone that matches your vibe. Like if it's an older man that just wants to sit at home and he's over his party phase and you're still in that phase, it's not going to work. You have to find someone that is on the same level as you, regardless of age.

[A]

But which leads me to my next one. They said, God, dating at 30 is terrible. Well, dating at 24 is terrible too.

[B]

Yeah. And at 26.

[A]

So listen, I'm assuming it doesn't get better, but we just got to make it better. Like it. Dating is how you make it. If it's horrible, you go home and you FaceTime your friend or you tell your roommate or you do whatever and you laugh and go, that was hilarious. But you know what? I'm gonna take a paus positive out of that situation.

[B]

Yeah, laugh it off.

[A]

Laugh it off. And I always even like the last thing we were talking about today. I, I try so hard to say, yes, I totally understand. You are probably going through it and I, I get it. I don't, I might not understand it, I might not know exactly what you're going through, but I, I, I see you hurt and I'm here for you. But when things roll over, what are you gonna do with that? Are you gonna sit in that hurt or are you gonna say you learning lesson? And I felt this now, and I don't want to feel it again. So how are we going to move past this and make a good situation out of it or take a positive out of a bad situation?

[B]

Yeah. Learn the lesson that came from that experience of your life. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Somebody else said, guilty conscience. Made out with two different guys that are friends same night. Claimed I didn't know they were. Okay. Wait, made out okay? Made out. At least you didn't go full throttle. Okay, that's a plus.

[B]

Yeah, thank God. That's a win.

[A]

But made out with two different guys that are friends. So you knew. Girlfriend, you knew. You knew, but they, they now know. You know what? If you're single and that's what you want to do and that's how your heart felt that night, go do it. But at the same time, actions have consequences. And a lot of the times when you hook up or make out or flirt with one guy that's in a friend group, the other one won't consider you dateable. They'll consider you like a flirt.

[B]

Yeah. They won't take you seriously. But I think if a man was to do that, would he feel bad about it? No. No, they would laugh about it and you would be in a group chat the next day. So don't feel too bad.

[A]

No, he'd be in your group chat. You'll be in his. Who cares now? Now more people know about you. Amazing. Any press is good press.

[B]

Yeah, there you go.

[A]

So don't feel bad. I mean, I've been there. Have you?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

But you know what? You never know. Maybe. Maybe it'll happen in the future.

[A]

Mine was grade 10, and I was trying to make someone jealous because he didn't want to date me. And I was like, I'll just make it with your friends, which is so horrible. Like, I take that back. Trust me, I have made a lot of mistakes in my day.

[B]

Did you feel bad about it?

[A]

Not at all.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

Not at all. Well, he was, like, toying with my emotions and wanted me, but then didn't want me. Didn't want me to have anybody else, but he could still have everybody else. So I'm like, okay, if you've made me feel this way before, let me make. Let me give you a taste of your own medicine.

[B]

Yeah. The double standard is not allowed.

[A]

But it never worked out between us, so. Yeah, I was married to a narcissist woman for seven years, so I divorced her. Well, I'm glad you handled this situation.

[B]

That was it. That was the whole message. Good for you.

[A]

We're happy to hear.

[B]

Very happy for you.

[A]

Somebody else said, cheated on me. So we broke up and then got her pregnant. They now have a kid and ended up miscarrying three weeks later. Then two days after, they got back together, and then they weren't even together. But she was crazy and acting suicidal. So I quotations talk to her. Now. My ex convinced me to calm his ex about me being pregnant with his baby. Lol. What?

[B]

That's a lot to unpack. So she got pregnant.

[A]

You need to read this. It's the top, right? And then it keeps going down.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. Like, do you want me to reread something?

[A]

You're better with words.

[B]

Cheated on me. So we broke up. And then he got her pregnant. Lol. Now they have a kid and I ended up miscarrying three weeks later.

[A]

Oh, she did.

[B]

She miscarried.

[A]

Well, the girl did. Not her.

[B]

The. No, her.

[A]

Wait one more time.

[B]

Cheated on me. So we broke up and then they. He got her pregnant. Lol. They now have a kid and I ended up miscarrying three weeks later. And then two days after they got back together, and they weren't even together, but she was crazy and acting suicidal, so I talked to her. My now ex convinced me to calm his ex about me being pregnant with his baby. Lol. I mean, at least she can laugh about it now, but that's a horrible situation.

[A]

I'm still confused. Am I just, like, out of it, or like. So he cheated on her, got somebody else pregnant, and then went back to her. They had a kid pregnant, and then.

[B]

He got his ex pregnant, and then.

[A]

He went back and her. And then they got pregnant.

[B]

Yeah. And then he was saying he had to now be with this girl, and the other girl was freaking out, and then he got back with her. That's a lot.

[A]

So he's very fertile. So put his name out there on glass so that nobody else.

[B]

This man needs to does it without. Slow it down.

[A]

Yeah. He needs to put it away.

[B]

That is traumatizing. And I'm so sorry you went through that.

[A]

I can't even imagine.

[B]

Let's leave this man in the past.

[A]

Let's put him there, Leave him there and walk our fine ass away.

[B]

Yeah. Lock the door, throw away the key. He's done.

[A]

Move. We might need to move. Not countries, but maybe down the street.

[B]

Yeah. Get away from.

[A]

I would definitely move. Oh, my gosh. That was a. That was a heavy one. That was like.

[B]

That was heavy.

[A]

That was my full weight that I had to pick up and put back down.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He cares a lot and shows the world. Wait. He cares a lot and shows the world, talks about it, but doesn't want to marry me. So he's putting in the effort, but he doesn't want to marry you. There has to be a time where you say, hey, listen, if you're not ready by this time next year, then I have to walk away, because marriage is what I want. And that's my angle. And if you can't provide that for me, I have so much respect for myself that I will walk away.

[B]

Yeah. That's such a big thing. And I think it's scary to talk about in the beginning, but eventually it gets to a point where you need to be aligned on that if you both want to get married when the timeline is, because you can't wait around forever.

[A]

And honestly, on my first dates, I.

[B]

Say, oh, like, when are you gonna propose?

[A]

I don't even do that. I go, so, like, what? Where do you see yourself in five years? Do you want kids? Because you better want to marry me if you don't want to marry me. Who are you?

[B]

Are you crazy?

[A]

Are you insane? You're the best catching. How could you do more than this? I'm kidding. But, no, like, you have to hold yourself. You have to hold self respect and Say, this is what I want. I will never be fully happy if I don't, you know, get this as my angle. Because a lot of the times, us as women, we picture our lives from a young age. And for me, I cannot be together with someone that doesn't want to get married and have kids because I need that to fulfill my life and myself. And that's just me having self respect. And if someone doesn't want it, I'm not going to waste my time and I'll give them time to make that decision or think about it and whatever. But it has to be held to a certain time frame because I'm not waiting around forever.

[B]

Yeah, I totally agree. It ha. You have to be aligned on that early on. It's an awkward conversation, such an awful conversation. But I mean, after a certain age you date to be long term and eventually get married. So you need to make sure you're on the same page.

[A]

Yep, I totally agree. Okay, last one because we're going a little overboard and we love to yap, yap in this.

[B]

We love to yap and we need.

[A]

To get drunk, we need to go out. So last one is I confess. I ended a two year talking stage and actually feel guilty about it because of manipulation. So she manipulated someone.

[B]

I think. It's unclear who was the manipulator in that situation, but a two year talking stage, girl, you did the right thing by ending it.

[A]

Why is that allowed? That should be illegal. A two year talking stage is illegal. Let's put it here right now, set in stone. A two year talking stage is illegal if they don't want to have something with you by three months. Three month rule. Okay. Three months it takes you before getting, getting dating somebody else. Like dating full relationship. Three months, three weeks after getting over a relationship and talking to somebody else and three months of talking and if it doesn't go into a relationship, we leave, we walk out, we hold our head held high and we say bye bye.

[B]

Yeah, cut it off. You're just wasting your time at that point. If you don't know after three months of talking to someone, if you want to date them, then you know that you don't want to date them.

[A]

And if they're leading you on for two years, I'm so sorry, but it's not going to happen.

[B]

No. That's just a waste of your life. Better date us. Yeah.

[A]

In the meantime and then we will all find better.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Well, thanks for coming on the podcast.

[B]

Thanks for having me.

[A]

I kind of really like, like when she's on. And she fits the brand. The tall blonde.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

So love you and love you guys.

[B]

Love you.

[A]

Thank you for watching. Follow me on all socials because I post a lot of the times to get you guys questions. I want to answer all of your, you know, whether it's advice or questions, anything, I want to answer it. And I want to speak with you guys because I am so happy that I have the support. I never thought I would be here. And I'm so appreciative, I could cry. Not really, because I don't cry, but I love it. And I mean, it's so love you guys and see you next week on Tall Bond.