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- [00:00]
A
One night, a girl from my hometown told me that my best friend hooked up with my boyfriend. So I put them both in a group chat and said, heard you guys fuck. How was it? And my boyfriend was going off the rails. And then my best friend was like, you're drunk.
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B
Shut up.
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A
Later, I then found out that it was true. Best friends of 24 years told me he's in love with me. I had no idea. Boy slash girl friendship dynamics. Okay, But I stand tall on this one. Boys and girls cannot be friends, period. End of story. Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Tall Lawn.
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B
Foreign.
- [00:41]
A
And welcome back to Tall Blonde. Now, today, we're going to be talking about friendship breakups, because I was watching online, and even me, I talk a lot about relationships, how to's, how to get someone's attention, how to be a little toxic, how to try to step out of that toxicity, how to get over a breakup, all things breakups. But men come and go. Yes, but friendships are supposed to be forever. They're supposed to be your life partners. And I think that it's needed to hear more people talk about those friendship breakups, because I think more often than not, about 9 out of 10 people, or even 10 out of 10 at least, have one big friendship breakup in their lifetime, especially for girls. And I have friends that want friendship breakups myself. I've been through quite a few friendship breakups, and it's tough. It's kind of like a grieving process. But nobody thinks that you can kind of take that time off or when you're grieving after a loss, you get days off of work or days off of school just to kind of compartmentalize and understand what just happened and grieve. But for something like a friendship breakup, you're just supposed to kind of get over it. And that's what I think a lot of society puts out there. And some people may totally disagree and say something totally different, which I agree with. I think that you should be able to go through those emotions with friendship breakups, too, and talk about it. And I just think that we should talk about it more. So we're going to get into that today because like I said before, I've had quite a few friendship breakups. So I want to say the first one that I even remember was going all the way back to high school. And I'll kind of give a background story on that friendship breakup. And it wasn't. It was kind of almost like a domino effect. And I'll give that background story, and then I'll give In to how I dealt with it and then how I wish I dealt with it, because at the age of 24, I've learned a lot, and I don't regret anything by any means. And. But obviously you grow up and you realize, you know, I wish I would have done that, but everything is a life lesson, and everything makes you a better person. So I think that the way I handled situations might have not been the best, but now it made me reflect on it to be able to tell you how I wish I would have handled these situations so that you don't have to go through those tough times. You can kind of use me as, you know, someone who went through something and you can totally disagree on how I handle it, Totally disagree on even what I'm saying. But now you have somebody else's perspective, somebody else's opinion, somebody else that has been through it and learned. So back in high school, I want to say I started dating somebody at grade nine, summer, or grade 10. I think that's like, what are you in grade maybe 14, 15? Early grade 10? Yeah, grade nine, summer. And I dated him on and off for a while, like four plus years. And he was my first love, my first everything. And. And I loved him. I would tell my friends things like, I'm gonna get married to him. We're gonna have a family, we're gonna have kids. I would tell them the bad things about our relationship. I would bitch about him. I would tell people how, ugh, I'm so done with him, I'm gonna break up with him. And a lot of, you know, people say that, but I didn't actually mean it. So I would, you know, say that to my best friends. I would just flow out everything that I was thinking in my head because I needed that person that was that life partner that I knew would never leave me to kind of what their thoughts were and to just give me advice or walk me through it. And I did that to a few of my friends. And I think two in particular were two that I went to just about everything. And I didn't see this at the time, but during my relationship, I had one friend that was coming over a lot when my boyfriend was around. She would love to hang out with him and his friends. So she would always want to be invited. She would always come. And I didn't see anything wrong with it because she knew that group prior, and she knew that group before I even knew that group. And she was seeing one of the guys, very close friends that I was seeing. He pursued me. We Started dating very shortly after. We were like two peas in a pod. And we started dating. And she was still very close, still very in my business, still trying to be that good friend to help me out, but always, like, always there when he was there, and always there listening to what I had to say about him and having her opinion being heard and had a lot to say about him. So I continued dating him. We were off and on, and then we. I think this was when I was going in to my first year of university. I was just moving in. He slept over the night before at my family home and helped me pack up the car. And it was like frosh week. So I don't know if you guys know, in Canada, there's like the week before school starts. First year students would kind of just party and all party together and meet people before school actually starts. So I was doing that, and one night a girl from my hometown told me that my best friend at the time hooked up with my boyfriend. And I go, this had to been like, before we were dating. Like, this couldn't have happened. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, no. Like, someone yelled it at the bar like two weeks ago. I was like, what? So I put them both in a group chat, thinking this could have never happened. This literally could have never happened. I put my best friend, my mom, in a group chat and said, this could have never happened, right? And they're like, absolutely not. That would be insanity. So I texted my boyfriend and my best friend in a group chat and said, heard you guys fucked. How was it? And my boyfriend was going off the rails, calling me, calling me, calling me, calling me. And then my best friend was like, you're drunk.
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B
Shut up.
- [06:58]
A
Later, I then found out that it was true from his laptop. And he was so apologetic, you know, going crazy about this, and just wanted to get back together with me. But she had nothing really to say, so I had nothing to say to her. I said, screw you, you're dead to me. Bye. And I thought that all my friends that I brought her into the group with would have my back because of the betrayal that she did to her best friend. How could they be friends with her if she could betray me, she could betray any of you. Cause she was closest with me. But it didn't work out like that. So me saying goodbye to one friend led me kind of be pushed away from so many others. And I. You know, we were so young. I don't blame these other people by any means for picking sides, but I needed somebody at that time in my life to be in my corner and stand up for me and what's right. And I didn't get what I needed at the time and it made me push away. And some people can disagree with that, some people can agree with that, but those friendships that I had and not standing up for me left a huge betrayal. And it was sickening. And it started off with a sickening feeling, you know, when like your heart goes down into your stomach and then you just like, don't want to eat, don't want to do anything, don't want to talk to anyone. It definitely ruined a lot of my experience in first year university, but then it turned into anger and I was just mad at how this could have happened to me and how someone could have done this to me after I've done so much for them. But that's people. Sometimes people do things and aren't the people that you expected them to be. And we're gonna go through that. We are gonna understand that people outgrow people and there's sometimes no even explanation for it. You just wake up or you start moving on in life and you're like, I don't relate to the things that you're saying, and I don't ne necessarily agree or I've, you know, come so far to the situations that you're dealing with. I just can't. I can't relate. And you won't grow friends and that's fine. But when it's a respect thing and someone that you know does something to you, you have to respect yourself enough because you truly are who you surround yourself with. And if you let people come into your life or stay in your life after betraying you, it's like that feeling, or it's like that saying when it's like if someone shows you who you are, or if someone shows you who they are, believe it. Because if they do it once, they can do it again. And yes, sometimes the second time, first time is an accident and second time maybe a coincidence, but with something like that or someone not being there for you in the way that you needed, that's who they are. And it's a sad, heartbreaking thing, but that's life. And I grieved that, really. Those friendships, I thought that they were going to be friends for life. And some of them I still consider friends, by no means. I haven't talked to them in a while, but I still fully respect them. I fully wish them the absolute best and I wish all of them the best. I know that I am the topic of conversation for some of them still. But that's okay. Like, I'm not mad at it. They can. They are where they are, and I am where I am, and I'm over it. But it was such a huge thing in my life to go through at such a young age emotionally, that turned into physically, too, that I was just like, how could this be happening to me? But I'm so grateful in the weirdest way, in the most up way ever, that this did happen to me, because I am so much stronger for it. And when my friends are going through things with their friends, I have a totally different perspective. And I feel as if I can almost put myself into their shoes at this point and take myself out of it and just put myself into how they would feel. Because I have been into somewhat of a similar situation before, and I felt a hurt from friendships that I never thought I could. Because you always think they're your partner, they're your ride or die. They're never gonna leave you. But sometimes they do, and sometimes they aren't who you wish they would be or who you wish they would grow up to be. And people change, and that's. That's life. But there was this one thing that I saw on TikTok today that I have to read out, and it was by Denzel Washington. And he said, people, you should cut out of your life. And the first being the user. So as soon as you no longer give them what they want from you, they will lose you. So those are some people that obviously reflect back into your friendships or people that you're even thinking, you know, are they a good friend? Are they not? And listen to these. And this is, you know, a great way to understand sometimes you do need to outgrow or not everyone needs to be your best friend. You can have people in different places of your life. You don't need to kick these or cut these people out. And I don't necessarily agree with the. That you should cut out of your life. I just think that. That you should maybe not put them in the closest circle. I think that you can have friends as people you just hang out with on the weekend, people you go out with, people you call up once a week to check on about their lives and check in on each other. You can have people that are. That you tell absolutely everything to, that you consider family, and that you don't leave anything out because you know that they'll be there. Your embarrassing moments, your crazy scenarios, you just tell that to. And those are your People that you keep very near and dear. But you can push people into different sectors or not give them as much energy or expect as much from them. And those are these people that do.
- [12:57]
B
Some of these five things. So I'll repeat the first one again is the users. So as soon as you no longer give them what they want from you, they will lose you. Number two being the complainer. And I hate complainers. I think it brings so much negativity to your life. Yes, everyone's gonna complain once or twice in their life, but we don't need people to complain 24 7. That's just gonna make your life miserable being around them. And you are who you surround yourself with. So he defined that as they steal your peace by. They steal your piece by complaining about the same thing. They are willing to change regardless of the situation. Then we have number three, the blamer. So they make you feel guilty and never take responsibility. They manipulate so much that they even believe that you even start to believe that you are to blame the competitor. And a lot of girls, a lot of pretty girls that you know, have a lot going for them or are gorgeous human beings on the inside and outside, I think have a lot of people that are trying to compete with them. And this might hit home for you girlies, the ones that they might want to see you do well, but holy hell, not better than them. Let that one sink in. Some people are your cheerleaders and some people only want you to do well if it benefits them or they're doing better. And then the abuser. So they abused everything you gave them. You don't recognize it until you're honestly just out of their life in general. And that's the sad one and that's some that I've seen in the last couple of years. I had one friend that we went through a friendship breakup that I kind of realized that she loved to be in my social media. She loved to be posted. She didn't love to post me. She loved to bring me places or get in places. And that was someone that I think would fall under either the user or the abuser because she was taking everything I gave or I had to abuse it into her benefit and use it into her benefit. And I think that that's also a scary one. And a lot of times people in your life that are close to you, like your mother, your dad or your sister or your another best friend they've been friends with for a very long time, might even see it before you do. So you really do have to listen to those people when they say things like that too. And also making friends as an adult is so hard. Like I've had this conversation with so many people lately, especially in New York, I think this became very prevalent to me in the sense of a lot of people as an adult already have their friends. They already have the people, they already have their bubble. They don't feel the need to make new friends. But people moving and wanting to start over, ending relationships and, you know, looking to find more friends again or not spending day to day to day with someone, they, you know, want to get a bigger circle and have more friends. It's hard because people have made their clicks, have made, have already or maybe even in long term relationships and they have a couple friends and they have their life that they're okay with. They're not going out to find friends. They're kind of blocking people off. So in our day and age, I think and especially in your mid to high and up, 20s to 30s to 40s, it's hard to make those new friends or even find them. And I think yes, going and putting yourself out there and going to coffee shops or concerts and putting yourself out there and just saying hi to other people is a great way to start. But I haven't even mastered this yet. So I don't even want to give you guys anything because I had a very tough time making new friends in New York and I didn't master it by any means. But I also think it's more difficult for a friendship breakup because there is that lack of closure. There is that part of you're probably going to see them in similar circles because if you're friends with them or you were friends with them, you're probably doing the same things a lot more times. So you're friends with the same people and that closure might never happen. You might never have that talk. You might just be kind of drifting apart. But you're going to see them all the time. Maybe you don't want to see them and maybe you need to start hanging out with other people so that you for yourself are putting yourself first to not see them very often and to get that closure for yourself. And you might never even get a sorry for something that they did. They might not even feel bad. And that's okay. It's so hard to get closure. But closure is just like no answer is an answer. No text, no reach out is an answer in itself. And a lot of the times you feel lonely, you're not only missing someone that you had like love with you're missing someone that you shared a lot of your life with. You turn to them for support, for encouragement, for. For your stupid mistakes that you've made, to just tell you a stupid story to make you feel better. They know a lot about you. I think it's very tough as you do get older as well, because there's so many pivotal moments in your life. And having those friends that see how you react to situations, how you go through things, what you don't want in life, what you do. Not a lot of people know that. And when you make new friends, you're trying to explain who you are, but they don't know exactly who you are until they see you through. You know, tough times, good times, great times, bad times, whatever that may be. But I always say, and this might not even make sense to some people, but you can never lose a true friend. True friends are never lost. So if someone is lost or someone leaves your life, then they were never meant to be there and they were never a true friend in the first place. So I think, you know, everything happens for a reason. And that's something that we do have to remind ourselves every day. But almost everyone in the entire world goes through friendship breakups. So I did put on my story. Tell me your story. Tell me your bits about your friendship breakers that you've been through, and just let us know. Give us a little sneak peek, a little summary so that we don't feel as crazy ourselves, and that we know that there's other people out there going through very similar or even the same or very different situations than you have with friendship breakups. So let me pull them up. I haven't even read these yet, so this is getting me neat. All a lot. Okay, the first one, the last one was she got mad that I wouldn't tell her who I'm dating. So your friend got mad that you wouldn't tell her who you're dating? See, I'm gonna read into this, and my question is, why wouldn't you tell her who you're dating? Is there a reason why you're hiding it? Do you think that she might do something to sabotage it? Do you think that? Or are you just scared? Is this just who you are? And you don't tell people who you're dating because you're scared that it's gonna, you know, ruin the connection? If it's too soon to tell anyone, what is that reason behind it? And you have to ask yourself that. But also, she has a valid point to ask. But if she's pushing you too far and she's not meeting you where you're at with it, then that's not fair. And if she's ending a friendship over it, I think that it just wasn't meant to be. Clearly, she doesn't see how. Doesn't understand your value in, you know, keeping your private life private. And you don't understand how she can't understand that. So you're just on different paths. And I think maybe you will get over it. But that definitely needs to be a conversation, and I think there needs to be an explanation as to why.
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A
Yes. And now I have no friends. Girl, get out there. Everyone needs a friend. Everyone needs someone to talk to, to hang out with, to do things with. So get out there and make a freaking friend. I will be your friend. Okay? Everyone needs a friend. Why do men block you on everything? There's a lot of men that block me on things, but that is not the topic of today's conversation. We can get to that another day. Could give you 10 friends with a girl for 15 years. Stop talking to me. Because she didn't like I told her the truth about herself. Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth. And you could even say to her, you know, how do you want me to be there to you? Do you want me to give you support? Do you want me to give you what I think you should do advice? Or do you want me to just be here for you? And sometimes in friendships, that's how you have to be. But you have to be okay with being that type of friend, too. Best friend of 24. Holy crap. You guys have been friends with people for a really long time. Best friends of 24 years. Told me he's in love with me. I had no idea. Boy slash girl, friendship dynamics. Okay, I'm just going to say one thing and one thing only. And you can fully disagree with me on this, but I stand. I stand tall on this one. Boys and girls cannot be friends, period. End of story. Well, the same sex cannot be friends. Whatever that sex is that you're into or you're interested in because one of the two is attracted to the other person they are. Or you're gonna take it too far one night and you're gonna get too comfortable with each other and you're just gonna hook up or you're gonna cross the line and it happens. And I don't think that boys and girls can be best friends. I think they can be friends, but I don't think they can be best friends. And Talk every day and tell their whole life story to them. I think one of them has feelings or one of them will catch feelings or they will both catch feelings and it'll blow up in front of their face. I'm sorry, but that's my opinion. This could be very interesting. I'm excited to hear some answers. Yeah, well, listen the freaking podcast. These hurt sometimes more than a breakup with a guy, right? Because a lot of the times it's longer and it's more like. Like boys come and go. We know that, we understand that they are stupid, dumb and irresponsible sometimes. But a friend is supposed to have your back and be there 24, seven for you. They're a life partner, someone that is just going to have your back and support you. And we never think that they could ever in their life do that, do something like disrespect you. But some of the times they do. My best friend kept hanging out with my ex after he cheated on me. Now that is just not okay. She doesn't owe him anything, but she owes you anything. Everything and more. So she should have your back. She should be there for you. And if you are not doing something, she should sit out with you. If you're doing something, she should go there and support you and leave if you need to leave. She should follow your lead and be okay to be that person that's looked at differently because they're having to be uncomfortable because they know that you are ten times as uncomfortable probably in any situation. Okay. I am getting so many people saying that, you know, the story is too long, but the pain was worse than a breakup. And I think we can all agree that a lot of the times it is.
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B
But.
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A
Okay, last one is, what do you do if a friend ghosts your text? Still no response, but still looks at your social media page? Well, that's just selfish. How long is it? Like, is it days or is it minutes? I guess you just on social media doesn't feel like answering a text because sometimes I'm really bad at answering texts and I'll kind of look at it and answer it in my head and not actually get back to you. But I'll eventually do it like within the day. But I'll be on social media like 24 7, so I'm pretty bad at that too. But I'll get back to you right within the 24 hour timeline. So if she's not getting back to you and she's just kind of doing that, I think that she wants to know what you're up to. But you might think she's a better friend than she is. Or maybe you can just tell her that, have that open communication and talk to her about it and see what her response is. Put her on the spot and see what her response is and be like, if she is shocked by it and is like, oh, my God, I had no idea that you cared that much, then clearly I don't think she thought about it. And she can try better to be that friend and be a little bit more repetitive in answering. If she has a good excuse, I think we write that one off and we let her slide. Friend misses six month rent. Invited him in after his divorce and he sneakily moved out while I slept. Okay, whoa. I don't think that's a friend at all. And if it is, we need to cut him off. But we also need to get our money back because six months rent is crazy. That's, like, illegal. But clearly, I think that we've all been through a lot of friendship breakups. We've all been through it with friends. And it does hurt a lot. Sometimes even worse than a relationship. Because I keep going back to the whole life partner thing. But, like, when I think of a friend, that's the only thing I can even think of is someone that you want to do life with and go through life and you can go through your bad times with and they'll be there for you. You can go through your good times with and they'll support you. Everything in life, they are going to be a good friend to you and they're going to try their best to do that and you're going to do the same in return. That's a true friend. That's a great friend. That is someone that you want to keep by your side and do things for because they'll do it right back for you. I'm so happy that I'm back behind a freaking camera. I'm having so much fun and I can't wait to just take another episode. So tune back in. Let me know what you want to hear. Anything. We will talk about it all on this podcast. Just you let me know. Love you. And I will see you next week on the Tall Blonde Podcast.