#4540 The Second-Greatest Story Ever Told

Summary

TBTL #4540: The Second-Greatest Story Ever Told

Date: August 26, 2025
Hosts: Luke Burbank & Andrew Walsh
Special Guest: Susie Burbank (Luke’s mom)

Episode Overview

In this episode, Luke and Andrew are joined by Luke's mom, Susie Burbank, for an energetic and laughter-filled discussion. The trio covers an eclectic mix of topics, including the perplexities of arbitrary baseball rivalries, the peculiar experience of timeshare sales pitches, smoking habits, thrifty Goodwill hacks, and family travel scams. Classic TBTL digressions abound, but Luke’s mother steals the show multiple times with her wit, charm, and tales of low-key grifting.

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Main Themes & Discussion Points

1. The Vedder Cup Nonsense

[00:08–13:00]

• The episode opens with Luke, Andrew, and Susie dissecting baseball’s so-called “Vedder Cup”—a manufactured rivalry between the Seattle Mariners and San Diego Padres, named after Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder.
• Susie is perplexed by the concept:

  "I don't look at them as our rivals because they're not even in the same division." – Susie [05:46]

• Andrew and Luke poke fun at the cup’s forced guitar-themed iconography:

  "They gave [Mariners catcher] Cal Raleigh his trophy, which was a guitar with a Vedder Cup logo on it." – Andrew [09:37]

• The absurdity of awarding a guitar when Vedder isn’t even known primarily as a guitarist is a recurring punchline.
• Notable Moment:
  Andrew reveals his superstition about “jinxing” Mariners wins by tuning in late, and Susie admits her unlucky Mariners shirt tradition. [10:04–11:02]

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2. Family Chat: Baseball, Luck, and Trash Talk

[11:00–13:50]

• Luke boasts about his mom’s blossoming baseball lingo:

  "My new favorite is when my mom says, 'We gotta get some traffic going out there.'" – Luke [10:58]

• The family gently roasts Mariners star Julio Rodríguez’s celebratory streaks and etiquette about showboating after errors.
• Baseball fandom blends with family lore, superstitions, and their collective confusion over MLB’s attempts to force rivalries.

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3. Cat-Controlled Extermination (and Extermination Fees)

[02:55–04:07]

• Andrew reports on letting his cat, Bingo, prowl Luke’s suspected mouse closet, leading to no sightings of rodents.

• "If you've solved this without poison and without traps, just by the very nature of having a cat in the house, well, then I think I owe you an extermination fee." – Andrew [03:27]

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4. Smoking, Cigar Rituals, and "Meditative" Vices

[12:08–15:25]

• Susie discusses her lifelong relationship with cigarettes:

  "When I was a teenager … I started smoking when I was probably, like, 12 … I enjoy a cigarette, so I will look forward to my cigarette or two cigarettes in a day, and then I'll cut it off." – Susie [13:00, 13:37]

• Smoking is framed as a meditative ritual and a small pleasure, now that she’s quit drinking.
• Andrew jokes about his own parallel with Twisted Tea:

  "I pour Twisted Tea over ice … You bet your sweet ass I am." – Andrew [16:08]

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5. Timeshare Meetings: Jedi-Level Grifting

[16:24–29:51]

• Susie reveals she and Walter (Luke’s dad) are masters at attending timeshare sales meetings solely for the free points and perks—not to buy.

  "I like to tell them right off the top, look, I'm here for the points … Years ago, [they] gave you a $100 Amex card. I said, 'That's why I'm here.'" – Susie [17:41]

• The salespeople’s tactics, from sweet rookies to pushy “big guns,” are described in hilarious detail.

  "After they get the idea that we're not going to up our credits, then they go for the big guns … and that is how we've bought more, because it's like, we will never give this offer again…" – Susie [22:16]

• A tale of an angry salesman ripping up his notes provides an example of their unflappable negotiation style.
• Amusing family lore: The time Luke, Susie, and newborn David finagled a personal ride to the airport from a Joe Namath lookalike sales boss, despite buying nothing.

  "We walk out and the Joe Namath guy is there in his like giant … some big old Cadillac type of deal. You know, just real Palm Springs energy." – Luke [29:52]

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6. Grifting at Goodwill & Sneaky Philly Childhoods

[38:51–41:23, 34:08–37:43]

• Susie describes her thrift superpower: returning shoes at Goodwill, then “hiding” them until they’re deeply discounted.

  "I might have hid them. Yeah. But still, I hid them so … I am like a kid on Christmas morning from a wealthy family…" – Susie [39:27, 40:03]

• Stories of sneaking into Philly movie theaters as a kid (“Mary Poppins,” “The Greatest Story Ever Told”), and having no shame:

  "The usher comes with the flashlight … my brother Chucks with the usher because he got caught. He's out of there, right?"
  "And then I looked at the usher and I said, 'I've never seen him before in my life.'" – Susie [36:05–36:25]

  • Luke’s reaction:

    "I want listeners to understand this person … creates me inside her body and then sent me into the world." – Luke [36:41]

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7. The Magazine Rack Saga

[54:05–66:46]

• Luke relates his frustrating experience assembling a DIY magazine rack ordered from China—no screws, unclear instructions, German wood glue, and mishaps galore.
• Andrew offers sympathy and advice (perhaps too late), and the two riff on what magazines should fill Luke’s new rack.
• Notable detour: childhood memories of folding away National Geographics for their “inadvertent” nudity.

  “I was just fascinated, riveted by this thing. I didn’t know why I couldn’t stop looking at it, but I couldn’t.” – Luke [66:05]

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8. Listener Voicemail: Hood to Coast Relay & Running Motivation

[73:52–79:16]

• Listener Allie calls in to thank TBTL for inspiring her running journey—she participated in Hood to Coast, the world’s largest relay race (~20,000 participants!) after starting with 5Ks less than a year ago.
• TBTL-inspired running pride:

  “I heard Luke ran the half marathon last year, and I thought, maybe I can do that…” – Listener Allie [77:41]

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9. Relay Race Team Name Fun

[78:55–87:33]

• Luke and Andrew delight in funny and punny Hood to Coast team names:
  • “Whisker Biscuit”
  • “Legs Miserable”
  • “I’ve made a huge mistake”
  • “Worst Wine Tour Ever”
  • “Pooh’s Honey Bucket Adventure”
  • “Pass the Kielbasier”
  • “Jogging to Conclusions”
  • “Electrolyte Orchestra”
  • “Devil Wears Strava”
  • “Fool Runnings” (Andrew’s pitch)
• Stories about van life, the perils (and joys) of sleep deprivation, volunteering, and the one jerk who yells at volunteers.

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Notable Quotes

• On Timeshare Honesty:
  “She said, ‘Why are you here?’ … I said, ‘For the American Express card.’” – Susie [18:03]

• On Sibling Loyalty (or lack thereof):
  “He [Chuck] says, ‘There she is.’ He rats on me. He puts the flashlight at me, and I said … ‘I’ve never seen him before in my life.’” – Susie [36:08]

• On Growing Up Thrifty:
  “I don’t have to sneak in anymore. … I don’t have to only go to Goodwill on Monday and I only look at the stuff that’s a buck 99.” – Susie [38:28]

• On Family Grit:
  “This person created me inside her body and then sent me out into the world.” – Luke [36:41]

• On Magazine Rack Triumph:
  “I put this really heavy cutting board on it so that it was weighted down … then when it was mostly dry, I stood it upright, put it in its place, and started putting magazines in because I was excited.” – Luke [63:18]

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Memorable Moments & Tangents

• Andrew’s fake “maintenance fee” joke, paralleling podcast business meetings and “exterminator” fees [03:40].
• The family’s creative use of buy-one-get-one and “kids fly free” airline offers, stretching tickets—and the definition of “under two” [32:51–34:04].
• Detailed riffing on Honeydew melon, cantaloupe, and generational fruit salad trends [43:23–47:47].
• Luke’s nostalgia for sneaking glances at National Geographic, and curiosity about a Braille edition of Playboy [65:58–69:11].

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Key Timestamps

• Vedder Cup and baseball rivalry absurdity: [00:08–13:00]
• Cat-based rodent control: [02:55–04:07]
• Timeshare tales and negotiation strategies: [16:24–29:51]
• Goodwill trickery and thrift culture: [38:51–41:23]
• Sneaky childhood cinema stories: [34:08–37:43]
• Magazine rack assembly frustrations: [54:05–66:46]
• Listener voicemail & relay race team name roundup: [73:52–87:33]

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Tone

Laid-back, irreverent, and peppered with witty asides. The episode orbits around family warmth, shared frustrations, and life’s small hacks—anchored by Susie Burbank’s unfiltered wisdom and humor. If you love detail-rich family stories, good-natured ribbing, and the TBTL brand of meandering hilarity, this is a must-listen.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Andrew]

What's with the guitar?

[Susie Burbank]

He's feeling embarrassed.

[Luke Burbank]

Do you guys.

[Andrew]

How.

[Luke Burbank]

How psyched are you guys that Cal Raleigh just got the Vetter cup?

[Susie Burbank]

The better cup.

[Luke Burbank]

What you mean, dad? Better cup fan over there.

[Susie Burbank]

What's the better cup?

[Andrew]

The better cup?

[Luke Burbank]

You talking about the guitar? Tbt. You seem like a real, real down to earth dude. Implicitly, you could absolutely implicitly trust me. I'm gonna bring 110% to the table on a daily basis. So one thing I would do is like this. Okay, that's great. What in the reverse Porky's is going on here? Oh, man, this must be killing you. Oh, what the salmonella dripping all over my desk? It's lamb ding dong, not salmon.

[Andrew]

Everywhere you go, they have different names.

[Luke Burbank]

For different fish every single.

[Andrew]

I mean, even if you go from New York to Florida, fish has 25 different names. And so when you get to France.

[Luke Burbank]

By the time you get to France.

[Andrew]

It has a different name. Cheese fish. They call it cheese fish in France.

[Luke Burbank]

Why they call it cheese fish, I don't know.

[Andrew]

It's France. It's a different place.

[Luke Burbank]

In this business of show, you have to have the heart of an angel and the hide of an elephant. I love these guys.

[Andrew]

They make funny with their mouth.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, all right. Hello, good morning and welcome everyone to a Tuesday edition of TBTL that just might be too beautiful to live.

[Andrew]

Peace and love. Peace and love.

[Luke Burbank]

My name is Luke Burbank. I'm your host, coming to you from the Madrona Hill studio perched high above the mighty Columbia.

[Andrew]

I'd like to grow a pair sometime.

[Luke Burbank]

Where we are looking at what I think is going to be a beautiful Tuesday here. Oh, ma pa. It's just beautiful. We have made it to episode 4540 in a collector series. Let the fun begin. I received a delivery by way of the Internet yesterday of a like a. I don't know if you call it furniture or not. A magazine rack that I was. I knew I was gonna have to put it together. But I think we've reached a new low point with Internet made things for the home.

[Susie Burbank]

Welcome to the Internet.

[Luke Burbank]

Also, things are going very badly at Burning Man. On the playa, there is no burning. There's nothing noxious about this whatsoever. And I have feelings about it. I don't like the feelings I'm having about it, but I am in fact having feelings about what's going on at Burning Man. Oh, you know who else we're going to talk to today? This guy. Longest running cobra of the show, maybe best known for his depictions of the tall ship. Speaking of the Internet, he's got like.

[Andrew]

Every meme ever produced on the Internet. He can knock us out with his memes.

[Luke Burbank]

He sure can. He's Andrew Walsh and he's joining me right now. Good morning, my friend.

[Andrew]

Good morning. Luke. I know we can't get into too much detail, but I do want to let you know that I let Bingo the cat roam around a little bit in that closet where we suspect you might have some mice or rats. He didn't spend a lot of time in there. Put him up there. He sniffed around a little bit. You told me that the. The very smell of him might scare predators away.

[Luke Burbank]

And I will say it's my theory.

[Andrew]

There was no scat in the cupboard this morning. And I let him back in there this morning to do some more sniffing around. And if you've solved this without poison and without traps, just by the very nature of having a cat in the house, well, then I think I owe you an extermination fee.

[Luke Burbank]

And I will be venmoing you for that.

[Andrew]

Yes. Which is like the termination fee that you offered me during a business boys meeting.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, buyout. I'm glad you turned it down. I'm actually glad you turned that down, now that I think about that. I'm sorry, that was a moment of haste.

[Andrew]

No, I understand. We were disagreeing about the greatest hits record and. It's okay. Artistic difference.

[Luke Burbank]

Yes, exactly. The reason that we can't spend too much. I actually am deeply fascinated with this whole mice situation. And if Bingo is going to be.

[Andrew]

You know, A mouser.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, a mouser. Exactly. But you're right, we do have other things to get to, Including a very special guest that we have today. All the way live and direct from Silverdale, Washington. It's the one, the only.

[Susie Burbank]

I'll say.

[Andrew]

What's up, Doak?

[Luke Burbank]

Susan Kelly Burbank. My mother is here on the show this morning. Hi, mama.

[Susie Burbank]

Hi.

[Andrew]

Hey. Good to see you.

[Susie Burbank]

Thanks.

[Luke Burbank]

Were you. Were you very surprised to hear you and dad as the intro tape today on the show talking about the vetter cup?

[Susie Burbank]

Definitely. Because I thought he was saying something like better B E T T E R cup. So that's why I was like, what's a better cup?

[Luke Burbank]

Now, I kind of tried to explain it last night, but do you have any understanding of what the so called vedder cup is based on what I told you and dad last night?

[Susie Burbank]

Yes, and it doesn't really make any sense at all.

[Andrew]

Thank you. By the way, Luke, I don't know if you happen to see this, but the show title yesterday was Can't Find a Better Cup. So honestly, there you come by it honestly. So Luke explained it to you. Do you mind if I put you on the spot and ask you to explain your understanding of the better cup, but with the caveat that I also think it's a ridiculous thing. So if you can't find yourself explaining it in a way that makes sense, it's not on you. It's on Major League Baseball. Yeah.

[Susie Burbank]

Gotcha. Well, the thing I was thinking is, like, you know, in. In football, the Seahawks, the 49ers.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Susie Burbank]

Or in baseball, you know, like the Subway Series. You know, the Mets and the. The Yankees. I get all that. But the Mariners and the Padres.

[Andrew]

Come on now, you're a big Mariners fan. You don't have like a. A white hot heat of hatred against our rivals, the Padres.

[Susie Burbank]

I don't look at them as our rivals because they're not even in the same division.

[Andrew]

No. Or the same league. We don't even think about them. We don't even think about them. But.

[Luke Burbank]

So, mom, here's the thing, though. Do you know what the Vedder in the Vedder cup is?

[Susie Burbank]

Now I have to think about it. Nope, I forget already.

[Andrew]

Not on you. I'm telling you, it's not on you.

[Luke Burbank]

That is a testament to how completely silly this whole thing is. As I was trying to explain to you last night, as we. And I don't know how many people made it to the very end of yesterday's episode. Cause it was pretty long. But we got into Andrew's deep, deep sort of dislike for this. Like you said, mom, kind of trumped up pretend rivalry between these two teams. Do you know what the band Pearl Jam is?

[Susie Burbank]

Oh, right now I remember. Because they're from Seattle, right?

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah.

[Susie Burbank]

Yeah. And they. I guess the main guitarist was from San Diego. Is that how it worked?

[Luke Burbank]

Close. The lead singer is from San Diego. He can play guitar, but we don't think of him as a guitarist. Which is also relevant to why Andrew's so mad about this. Because last night, mom, as you so eloquently said, what up with the guitar?

[Susie Burbank]

And the other thing is, I felt bad for Cal. He was beyond embarrassed.

[Andrew]

Thank you. He hates that kind of stuff. Even without a prop like that.

[Susie Burbank]

He's the quiet sort, you know, Humble, quiet.

[Andrew]

Yes.

[Susie Burbank]

Give him something like that. He just. It's not Julio. You know what I'm saying?

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

My mom is, like, kind of down. She thinks Julio is a little too Celebratory. And I have to be honest with you mom, there are many times when I have to agree with you on that. Like when he's. When he's made an error, which isn't very typical. He's a good defensive player but sometimes it'll be like he makes an error and I'm so mad. And then he makes a catch later and he's doing his no fly zone. And I'm like, you can only do that on days when you have committed zero errors. Dude.

[Andrew]

Luke. Can you explain the guitar thing though? Luke? I didn't see the game yesterday. I just saw some post game like images of him holding up a Fender. I don't know if it's Stratocaster or what Telecaster.

[Luke Burbank]

So yeah, so. So a couple of things, mom. One, the Andrew is. Is really not a fan of the logo of this so called Vedder cup, which is again, basically Major League Baseball. They have a bunch of teams that are in actual rivalries like you said, you know, maybe the Yankees and the Mets or the Yankees and the Red Sox or the Dodgers and. And what? I get the Dodgers and the.

[Andrew]

Well, they.

[Luke Burbank]

What did they do for la? They do the Giants in the Dodgers.

[Andrew]

The Freeway Series with the Giants. Yeah. Which is. I don't know how much of a real rivalry that is, but that's what they call it. The Freeway Series.

[Luke Burbank]

But. So Seattle doesn't have a team like that really. So they just decided.

[Susie Burbank]

I'm trying to think who's closest in geographic to us.

[Luke Burbank]

I guess probably Sacra. The Sacramento A's or something. But. But all that is to say that the Major League Baseball tried to come up with a thing.

[Andrew]

I'm sorry, Freeway Series is Angels and Dodgers. That makes so much more sense because they' in the same city. Sorry about that.

[Luke Burbank]

Except. No, but. But here's the thing. You also take i5 to get. I feel like you can get away with calling LA and San Francisco a Freeway series too because you take i5 between the two places. Like it is a pretty direct connect.

[Andrew]

But anyway, sorry about that. That's embarrassing.

[Luke Burbank]

So the Mariners are trying to. Or whoever Major League Baseball is trying to say, like this is the Vetter cup where you guys are. You hate each other because Eddie Vedder, the lead singer of Pearl Jam used to live in San Diego, but. But he's associated with Seattle because that's where Pearl.

[Susie Burbank]

Jim in that sense.

[Luke Burbank]

Or. Yeah, right. And so then. But he's not even really the guitar player for the band. But they've made the Logo for the whole thing. A guitar pick and then a guitar, which is just the most uninteresting thing you could do. And then last night, because Cal Raleigh hit a home run and was, I guess what, he got the MVP award or whatever he got. Yeah, the most Vetter player, the MVP they gave him, his trophy was a.

[Andrew]

Guitar with a better cup logo on. On it.

[Luke Burbank]

And maybe I was starting to just leave my body at that point.

[Andrew]

Here's my favorite thing. And Susie, I'd love your reaction to this. Eddie Vedder, famously a Cubs fan, famously a Cubs fan, doesn't even really care about the Mariners or the Padres, so far as I can tell.

[Susie Burbank]

So that seals it right there.

[Andrew]

I'm done. I'm done.

[Luke Burbank]

No sense whatsoever.

[Susie Burbank]

So what I'm surprised at, Andrew, is that you didn't watch last night's game.

[Andrew]

Yeah, I know I was out. I had other things going on. It was an important game, but also was one of those things where when I saw. When I finally had a chance to turn it on, I saw late in the game that the Mariners were winning. And I don't believe in any kind of supernatural stuff. I don't believe in any woo woo stuff, as Genevieve would say. But the one thing I believe in is my ability to jinx a game for real. And so when I saw that the Mariners were up by, I think, four runs or five, and it was getting near the end of the game, I'm like, I'm not going to turn this on because I don't want to. I don't want to interfere with what's going on right now.

[Susie Burbank]

I get that. I have a Mariner shirt, you know, that I wear for luck. They always lose when I wear it.

[Andrew]

Don't wear it. What's up?

[Luke Burbank]

Stop wearing it, Mother. By the way, it was so fun watching the game with my mom and dad last night because, Andrew, my mom is becoming legit, I would say, somewhat knowledgeable about baseball, including her new favorite term, which is what do the Mariners need to do when they're on offense? Mom.

[Susie Burbank]

Definitely get some traffic going.

[Andrew]

Yes. I love it.

[Luke Burbank]

I love hearing my mom say, we gotta get some traffic going out there.

[Andrew]

I love that.

[Luke Burbank]

And that's exactly what happened last night. Last night we got. We had a lot of traffic, and so, yeah, it managed to bring home some runs. It wasn't just a bunch of solo shots or getting up, you know, going through inning after inning with no base runners. So it was a very. It was a. It was a fun night to see, you know, Cal he get the home run. And also is the whole. I don't know if you know the answer to this, Andrew, but, like, they gave him some. They gave him the guitar. They're giving someone a guitar each night.

[Andrew]

No better cup over.

[Luke Burbank]

Are we done?

[Andrew]

Well, I think this also. And I. I don't know, I haven't been reading about it, but it's my assumption that, like, the Vetter. I don't even like calling it the Vetter Cup. It's such bullshit. But I think it begins with the first series that they play, that the two teams play, and this is the second series that they're playing. So at this point, the Mariners have won enough games that basically, yesterday they clinched it. Luke. The series goes on for two more. But they clinched it. No, for real. And that's what's so awkward about it. They still have two more games to play in this home stand against the Padres, but they already have hoisted the Stratocaster. What do you do now?

[Luke Burbank]

They've got Mariner. The Mariners, like, public address system has so much Pearl Jam loaded into the system to play for the next two games between innings, and it's kind of like they don't even really have any need to do it anymore. Okay, a couple of other things. Mom, while we have you here, I noted that you and dad are going back to Florida. Well, first of all, I noted that when I was trying to get you on the show today, you were talking to your friend Cindy in Florida having one of your daily cigarettes. What is the current. What is your current relationship with. No, no, no judgment. But you. What is it? You have one cigarette a day, two at the most.

[Andrew]

How long were you a heavier smoker back in the day? I should tell you, I was a heavier smoker back in the day. So no judgment here.

[Susie Burbank]

Goodness. When I was a teenager. Because you could just buy them in the, you know, vending machine.

[Andrew]

Oh, yeah, you didn't have.

[Susie Burbank]

It was no age limit. I started smoking when I was probably, like, 12.

[Andrew]

Wow.

[Susie Burbank]

And. And I was smoking. I was cupping cigarettes, walking to the Catholic school when I was like, I don't know, thirteen.

[Andrew]

Oh, my God.

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, wow.

[Susie Burbank]

And then, you know, I didn't. I don't know if I ever went to, like, two packs a day, but I probably smoked close to a pack. My determination is I enjoy a cigarette, so I will look forward to my cigarette or two cigarettes in a day, and then I'll cut it off. But see, I don't drink anymore, so it's kind of like you gotta have some kind of advice.

[Andrew]

Yeah, but how long have you been having the one or two?

[Susie Burbank]

For years.

[Andrew]

Oh, for years. I thought this was maybe something, because I was gonna ask you if Walter's cigars have sort of prompted you to go back to a smoking restaurant.

[Susie Burbank]

No, but here's the thing. I look forward to my one cigarette or two cigarettes. And it's kind of like my meditative time. And always, if Walter's there, oh, I've got to have a cigar. It's like, you don't have to light a cigar. This is like my time to, like, sort of, you know, think and plan and just sort of space out. It doesn't have to be the two of us smoking together.

[Andrew]

Communal. I dig that.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, yes. The family that smokes together, right? I don't know. I don't know what they do together. I don't want to hear. I don't want to think about it.

[Andrew]

But, like, everything that rhymes, you do not want to say about.

[Luke Burbank]

I know also, it's my parents, right? But, mom, like, I think. Well, I mean, the fact that it's been years and it's still at one or two is pretty good. So it's not like it's, you know, it's. It's not like now, you know, 10 a day or something like that. And again, I mean, with that and those cigars, I mean, it's like you having one or two cigarettes is such a small thing compared to that. That Titanic, really cigar that he has, like, a couple of each day.

[Susie Burbank]

But I used to think with cigars, they were way safer because you don't inhale.

[Andrew]

Oh, yeah.

[Susie Burbank]

I don't know that it really matters.

[Andrew]

Yeah. I think it's still bad for you. I've been kind of doing something similar. Are you familiar with a beverage that I like to call Twisted Tea? I like to call that because that's what.

[Luke Burbank]

Do you know what Twisted Tea is, Mom?

[Susie Burbank]

I do not.

[Luke Burbank]

It's Eddie Vedder's favorite.

[Andrew]

That is not true. They've had this stuff for a long time. You can buy it in cans called Twisted Tea. I mean, this goes back to the 90s, right, Luke? But I swear, it is having a renaissance. It is not just me. So basically, it's just like, alcohol.

[Luke Burbank]

It is have on TikTok. It's a whole thing on.

[Andrew]

See, it is. Right?

[Susie Burbank]

I remember I could see the label Twisted Tea on the can.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Susie Burbank]

So I know. I've seen it.

[Andrew]

And it's some sort of, you know, malt beverage that you buy in a can. And it basically tastes like ice cream alcohol. But it's got alcohol. Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

If you see one at a party. No, a lot of bit. If you see one at a party, do not crack a twisted tea, mother.

[Andrew]

Yeah, it's like a beer. It's about a 5%, so it's about the equivalent of a can of beer, only it's a can of this stuff. And I guess the marketing is working because I didn't realize I was falling for a marketing trap. But I had a couple earlier this summer, and now Genevieve had some people over this weekend and she bought like, I don't know if it was a 12 or a 16 pack of Twisted Tea. And you're gonna be shocked to hear it didn't fly off the shelves of our fridge during this get together. So now we a bunch of it. And yesterday I just needed to get to the end of the day a.

[Susie Burbank]

Little pick me up.

[Andrew]

Yes. And I pour twisted tea over ice. And I was just. Genevieve at some point said, you just keep on focusing on that twisted tea at the end of the day. And I'm like, you bet your sweet ass I am.

[Luke Burbank]

He just has one or two twisted teas a morning. It's a meditative time.

[Andrew]

Exactly.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, speaking of your friend Cindy in Florida, mom, you and dad are going to Florida, which is a kind of like a maybe a twice a year thing that you do. And you're staying on your. At your favorite place in the world, Anna Maria Island. And I was asking you, oh, where are you going to be staying? You're going to stay in this, like, little kind of timeshare place that you guys like, a little house with a pool and stuff. And I was, I know that you guys had gotten a certain amount of like, credits for your timeshare at one point. That was why you were able to go to Florida and stay in this place. But I thought you were out of those points. And I said, how are you still going to this place? Aren't you out of points? And you said, well, we got more points because we went to one of those sales meetings, which we hate, and.

[Susie Burbank]

But they give you points. So I remember being at a salesman, they always try to up your sales.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, this is, this is my question to you, mom, because you and dad are, I think, probably the most frequent attendees of these meetings because you want to get the gift, the points or whatever. And you, generally speaking, don't buy anything. What is your mindset going? This is for our listeners, for people that might want to score, I don't know A free, quote, unquote, free vacation or whatever it is they offer for these hard sales timeshare meetings. You and dad have been into maybe, if not hundreds, a lot of these meetings, and you have somehow held. You've stood your ground. What's the mindset going into one of these things?

[Susie Burbank]

I like to tell them right off the top, look, I'm here for the points. And before the points, they used to give you an American Express card of one hundred bucks. And I remember years ago, going to a meeting, and they were really trying to upsell us. And she said, why are you here? This is the salesperson. Why are you here? I said, for the American Express card.

[Luke Burbank]

Hello.

[Susie Burbank]

And she said, I have never heard anyone say that that's why they were here. And I said, oh, bullshit.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, that's a pretty saucy here smoking cigarettes. She's swearing.

[Andrew]

Tell me about these meetings. I've always heard of these, and I've only had the smallest encounter with them when I was like. Like traveling and sort of kind of on somebody else's largesse and their timeshare. I've had to sit down. But you're saying they set up meetings locally and they invite you to come, and then you sit down with them. How long is it? Is it an hour? Is it all day?

[Susie Burbank]

They say an hour. It is never an hour. The only time it was less. We were at a timeshare, and it was during COVID during the pandemic. And we.

[Andrew]

They.

[Susie Burbank]

You know, of course we checked in, and it was all, like, you know, masks and all that. We got there, and they said, we don't have any salespeople, but we will give you the point.

[Andrew]

Nice.

[Susie Burbank]

That was the best meeting we ever.

[Luke Burbank]

Went to because it didn't happen. So, mom, the one that you get. Went to to get the points for this Florida trip you're doing. Where did it happen? What was the vibe? How did it all go down?

[Susie Burbank]

I'm trying to think where we were last. It was in. In Leavenworth.

[Andrew]

Okay.

[Susie Burbank]

Washington. Yeah. And so, like, at a timeshare.

[Luke Burbank]

So the thing is, these meetings are always happening at a place that you're already staying because you and dad have actually purchased a lot of, like, these points, like, for these. You. You go to these places all the time. I think it's amazing. You are like, the only people I've ever seen get their money's worth on this. Because you guys. You guys are always so. You guys. You. You've actually spent a significant amount of money so you can go Stay at all these different resorts. And you do stay at them, but then while you're there, there's like, what, Like a sign that says, hey, would you like to find out about, you know, how to up your vacation experience? And then that's when you go into the room with the people.

[Susie Burbank]

Well, when you check in, they send you over to the sales desk.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Susie Burbank]

And right away, they want to know when they can set you up for a meeting. And if you say, look, I mean, we have done this, believe it or not, as frugal as we are, we've said we're not doing a meeting this time.

[Andrew]

Time.

[Susie Burbank]

And they're, like, shocked. And then they try to up the advantage of the points. And sometimes that's a nice little way to get more.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Susie Burbank]

To just be like, you know what? We're just going to vacation. We're only here for three days. Wherever it is, we don't really want to go to a meeting. We have family coming or whatever the deal is. And they were like, okay, why don't we give you 30.3. 30,000 points? Or however the amount. 40, you know, I mean, an offer we can't refuse.

[Luke Burbank]

So this one that you went to at Leavenworth, like, do they give you. Is there, like, donuts in the room and coffee? And, like, how does it go down? Like, what's I. For some reason, I picture it like a police interrogation room, which, by the way, makes no sense. It would not be good for sales. I'm sure they're trying to make it comfortable and inviting. This is allegedly a positive experience from their end. But when I think about it, it's been so mythologized as one of the worst things that can happen to a person. To be in one of these meetings that I picture is like a fluorescent light. And there's, like, one. One salesperson comes in, and they got, like, sweat rings under their armpits. And then. And then, like, they get you a. Like a Diet Coke from the machine. And then they're mean. And then a different guy comes in and he's nice.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah. What's. What is it actually like in these meetings?

[Susie Burbank]

Okay. Usually they start with the rookie, the person that's just new as a salesperson, and they're always really sweet. And I say, well, you know what? We're really not interested in upping our. Our credits, but. But, you know, we're here for a little more information, how we can use what we already have. And so they're really good at just understanding their sweethearts because they're rookies. But then they always say after a little while, they ask about family. They tell us where they've lived. And, I mean, I'm telling Rook. I'm saying rookie because they're, like, all but 19 or something, you know? And then.

[Luke Burbank]

Do you tell them that your son has a podcast when they ask about family?

[Susie Burbank]

I have mentioned it, but because we have a lot to say. And sometimes, like, your dad Luke is going on and on like a broken record. I'm like, let's move on.

[Andrew]

The beach is waiting, you know, smoking his cigar up.

[Susie Burbank]

Yeah, right. They're that interested in what's going on with us that they, you know, really smoosh you, if that's the right word. And. But then after they get the idea that we're not going to up our credits, then they go for the big guns, and then somebody else comes over that's even more friendly, but actually almost like, ridiculously friendly. And there's been times where we've, you know, they try to give us an offer we can't refuse the credits, the amount of. And that is how we've bought more, because it's like, we will never give this offer again kind of thing.

[Luke Burbank]

You know, sometimes it does work on you.

[Susie Burbank]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

And what do you. And this is where it's my complete ignorance. So I understand that you can collect points, and then you can use those points as payment for lodging somewhere. I mean, that's a boring way of putting credits. But what do they want you to buy? You can then pay cash to buy even more points. Is that basically what they're trying to sell you?

[Susie Burbank]

And they call them credits, but now we have, like, a maintenance fee of, like, 400 bucks a month.

[Andrew]

Whoa. Just on top of you're just paying 450amonth. We've already paid the general maintenance of whatever company owns, owns, or has stake in all these properties.

[Susie Burbank]

Right.

[Andrew]

And what the hell?

[Susie Burbank]

So what they try to do is they try to upscale or upsell you so that you will not have a maintenance fee, which I don't even think is possible. I think what they actually do is they say, you will not have housekeeping, but we already get, like, five or six housekeeping, free or not free, granted to us a year. So we're good with that. And even if we have to pay housekeeping, it's like 150 bucks. Why would we buy in for several thousand dollars more to get free housekeeping, you know?

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Susie Burbank]

Just as it doesn't make sense.

[Luke Burbank]

So the. Was the one that you had to sit through at Leavenworth in order to get the points for the Florida trip. Was that one. Was that. Where was that on the scale of, like, some of the tougher, harder sales pitches and people who won't take no for an answer? Like, was it a especially bad one? Was it an easy one? What was it like?

[Susie Burbank]

It was kind of in the. In the middle.

[Andrew]

Okay.

[Susie Burbank]

But in Leavenworth a few years ago, see, we have to have some kind of bait here or, like, something that we can kind of, like, throw out. So in Leavenworth, about three years ago, we had a salesperson who was so direct and actually not friendly, and when he realized that we weren't interested in buying up, he took his sheet of paper with the notes and he ripped it up and he threw it. He threw it in the air.

[Luke Burbank]

You broke.

[Susie Burbank]

Wasting my time and yours here.

[Andrew]

You got.

[Susie Burbank]

And I was like, whoa, we got some fuel here. We can complain, and we can say, this is why we don't come. And even when we're at a sales thing, you know, meeting, we can say, look, we have been treated badly, just so you know, so don't do that.

[Luke Burbank]

So did you complain to that person's, like, manager?

[Susie Burbank]

Oh, yeah. He was rude.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

What the heck is that?

[Andrew]

I mean, if you can't make the sale and then you start yelling at the people at the glen, ripping up the paper.

[Luke Burbank]

Exactly. So then what did you say to the. What did the. What did you say to the manager? And what did the manager say? And did you get some free housekeeping out of it?

[Susie Burbank]

I think we did. I think we got a. A few extra nights or something like that, but. Oh, and the meeting wasn't over, But. But Walter said. Your dad said we're out of here.

[Andrew]

Oh, well, he should have still gotten points. I can't.

[Susie Burbank]

We're still getting our points. We have to go to the main desk and say, give. You know, sign up our points for us, but we're out of here. Because he reacted kind of earlier in the meeting. That was a shorter meeting, too.

[Andrew]

By default. Yeah. You might have found.

[Luke Burbank]

You see them, like, leading the guy out in cuffs later, like, what happened to him?

[Susie Burbank]

All I know is I never saw him again. So, you know, he might have moved on. I don't know. But it was really, really kind of an interesting way to, you know, have some. Some weight behind. Look, we're not buying. We're here for this, and we're here for the points or the credits, but we like to be treated with respect.

[Andrew]

Absolutely.

[Susie Burbank]

Yeah, yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Now I think I've told this story on the show a bunch of times, but the mom, your greatest poll ever in the world of timeshare, like freebies or whatever was when you and me and Liz and a very like a day old, like a three day old David went to Palm Springs.

[Susie Burbank]

Oh my gosh.

[Luke Burbank]

Do you remember this?

[Susie Burbank]

Yeah, he was three weeks.

[Luke Burbank]

Weeks David. David was three weeks old. We had these tickets on Southwest that we had to use. Like we, we had like, it was like a buy one, get one free thing. And we had bought these tickets, I think, to go to Jim Durkin's funeral in Eureka. So then the, like the get one free tickets were going to expire. And so like I was maybe in college. Well, I mean, I would have been 20 because David was 3 weeks old.

[Susie Burbank]

And for some reason, for some reason, we didn't have. Have four tickets. We only had three, which was weird because it was the three of us, you, me and Liz and David, of course, free.

[Luke Burbank]

So we're like trying to figure out something to do with these tickets. And you guys were in this timeshare thing. And so we flew to Palm Springs, you, me, Lizzie, and a three week old David. And I remember we land at Palm Spring Airport and we had, we took it. There's no. There weren't really like buses or. They're certainly not great. There's no E line. Andrew.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

And. And so we took a cab. The only time I can remember ever taking a cab with you. And when I tell you as that meter was running on that cab, my mom's eyes were spinning like a cartoon. Her eyes turned into the cab meter.

[Andrew]

Yes, I remember.

[Luke Burbank]

You were so. Because you were paying for it. You were so unhappy with how much the cab ride was from the Palm Springs airport to the timeshare. So there was the guy who was. And we're not gonna call him the name that we were calling him at the time. Cause I don't think it's actually particularly politically correct anymore. But we were kind of. There was a guy who was in charge, one of the guys kind of in charge of the sales team at this particular Palm Springs place. And he looked a little like the football player Joe Namath. He was like, had a deep, deep, rich tan that comes from living in Palm Springs. And he was. So we kind of thought he was sort of a. He was kind of a funny dude. And we were noting him throughout our, like, few days there. There was also the trip where even though it was cloudy, there was like a lot of ultraviolet sun Liz got so sunburned, we had to.

[Andrew]

She.

[Luke Burbank]

I remember her just like lying in the, in the timeshare hotel room, whatever, crying as you were like applying legit aloe vera to her legs, like from a plant. Like a broken open aloe vera plant. But anyway, finally, so all week we're kind of like, we sort of have like some. We're kind of making some jokes about this guy who's like really, really tan and probably has, you know, some. Yeah, he's like a leathery tan guy with like caps on his teeth and kind of swooped back brown hair. Basically me in 20 years. And as he's kind of glad handing around the resort and everything and whatever. And then it's time to leave and Liz and I, we get our stuff packed up and you've got Davey and we got all our stuff and we walk out to the front of the timeshare. And who pulls up to give us a ride to the airport? The Joe Namath guy. Because my mother had talked him into driving us to the airport.

[Andrew]

Oh my gosh.

[Luke Burbank]

We didn't buy anything. You just talked him into it. I remember he had to move his golf clubs so that we could like put David in the car.

[Susie Burbank]

Yeah. With you know, the car seat and all that. I mean, he is three weeks old at this point.

[Luke Burbank]

I don't even know if he was in a car seat.

[Andrew]

Honestly, I, I know that and I do, I do not suggest that you would ever consider this, but I can't help but wonder, how many points would a three week year old David Burbank be worth?

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, I mean, it's on the open market. How many points could you trade David for?

[Andrew]

I mean, the thought must have crossed your mind at some point.

[Luke Burbank]

I mean, you have a lot of kids. What's you mean? Yeah, exactly. Ironically, David will hear this. David is a donor to the show and he's gonna hear that his mom was ready to sell him on the black market in Palm Springs for four extra housekeepings.

[Susie Burbank]

We really needed the points or the credits.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Anyway, but that was mom. That was to me when I knew you were truly a Jedi master of getting people to do stuff. When we walk out and the Joe Namath guy is there in his like giant. And the car was right out of central casting too. Was like some big old Cadillac type of deal. You know, just real Palm Springs energy.

[Susie Burbank]

Polyester outfit. Yeah, you know, polyester outfit. It's like 110 degrees out.

[Luke Burbank]

The other thing that this. Nobody really cares about this, but I don't know if you'll remember this, mom, but, like, the other thing at that Palm Springs place was one of the other sales guys. His big claim to fame was he had been in some John Wayne movies. So there was this giant poster board of, like, you know, come have a sales meeting with so and so as seen in McClintock. And there's all these, like, production stills of this guy standing, like, four people away from John Wayne when he was like, in his 20s, and now he was, like in his 70s. This was not the Joe Namath guy, by the way. There's a different guy. Did I tell you, mom, that when Becca and I were in Palm Springs, I don't know how long ago, we walked to the. We went and walked over to that particular place because I wanted to go in and see if either Joe namath or the McClintock guy were still there.

[Andrew]

Oh, and I see. Yeah, but did you see things that you recognize? Did you recognize the layout and the place?

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, I recognized the whole place. Yeah. They also let me use the bathroom, which was nice of them. Yeah, it's not a bad place, you know, there in Palm Springs. But I was really just so hot.

[Susie Burbank]

It was so hot. And of course, Palm Springs, you're only. You're stuck with this. The pool, if you want to get cool.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Susie Burbank]

And of course, I had a three week old, so I couldn't really be out there hanging at the pool. But I would, like. He'd be asleep in the unit, you know, Davey. And then I'd be like, let me go take a quick dip in the pool, you know.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, let me. Mom, one last thing. Here I went. Coming on the subject of family travel, I was trying to remember this on the show, like, I think yesterday maybe, but like, we flew to Philly once. I think it was that trip, maybe for Christmas, where there was some kind of a deal which was like, buy one, get one free, and kids fly free. Do you remember this?

[Susie Burbank]

It was crazy.

[Luke Burbank]

And was it like you bought. We bought one ticket as a family and somehow all were flying to Philly on, like, TWA or something.

[Susie Burbank]

Well, it was buy one, get one, and if the child's under two, they're free.

[Andrew]

Okay.

[Susie Burbank]

So the way it worked for us was buy one. Like, Walter got a ticket and then you were free, and then I got a ticket. Lizzie was free.

[Andrew]

Okay.

[Susie Burbank]

And then whoever's next, Sarah, I guess, was under two.

[Luke Burbank]

Okay. So we actually.

[Andrew]

Or conceivably. Or conceivably under two or believably under two. Yes.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, that's right.

[Andrew]

Do we think she's actually under two?

[Luke Burbank]

Probably, yeah, at that point. So. Okay, so there were actually two tickets purchased. It was basically like the adults bought tickets, and then the kids just kind of went along. I thought somehow we had pulled the ultimate grift, which was like, there was one ticket purchased. Like, dad bought a ticket. You were free. And then they were just like, luke, go in like dorf on golf, on your knees and try to look too. Which would have been conceivable, right? Because this is your. These are your ethics, mom, that you got from your dad, Jack Kelly. Right? Which is. He was a very moral man. And he was, you know, he was a church going man. He was a Catholic all his life.

[Andrew]

Life.

[Luke Burbank]

But then you would also tell him how you snuck into the movies, right? And he didn't care.

[Susie Burbank]

Well, my brother Chuck and me had a way of sneaking into the movies in Philly. And I. I had this great idea. First we would just go in the exit, you know, and sometimes get caught. But I would hold the front door, one of the doors open, and go like, Johnny. Like, he was like, still in the, you know, like in the movie theater. And then I slip in, or I'd hold it open for like an old person and they'd be like, oh, thank you, honey. And then I'd slip in. So that worked out even better. So we would tell my dad, oh, I slipped in to see Mary Poppins. It snuck in to see Mary Poppins. And then my dad would be like, oh, yeah, how was it?

[Andrew]

Can I ask you a question? Because first of all, I love. The only way I've ever snuck into a movie is sometimes, and I haven't done this in a long time, is I would go see a movie. And this is more like in my early adulthood, I would just stick around the theater and then go see a second movie. Like, that was my. But I am so scared of being holler at in life that, like, the idea of, like, kind of getting caught sneaking into a movie, I don't. Are you just good at shaking that off? Do you not mind? Like, oh, I got caught this time. I got yelled at. Whatever. I can't see it. Like, I live with that as anxiety. But you're just like, well, I'll just roll the dice again tomorrow. Is that your attitude?

[Susie Burbank]

Well, I actually haven't really ever gotten caught. But we came in with. And then there's neighborhood kids, this is in Philly, you know, and they could afford the movie, but they wanted to get on. On in the Action. So a bunch of them came in, including my brother Chuck and me came in between movies, you know, like in the. In the exit doors and, you know, the ones that are more likely to have the ushers there. But I slipped in. I'm sitting next to a total stranger. I just have to tell this. And I remember this. The. The usher comes with the flashlight a little later, and he spots me. And my brother Chucks with the usher because he got caught. He's out of there, right?

[Andrew]

Oh, did he talk?

[Susie Burbank]

He says, there she is. He rats on me.

[Andrew]

What a stool pigeon.

[Susie Burbank]

He puts the flashlight at me and he goes, you know, are you together? And I looked at my brother and I said. And then I looked at the usher and I said, I've never seen him before in my life.

[Andrew]

Hell, yeah.

[Susie Burbank]

I'm watching the Greatest Story Ever Told, and I'm crying. I'm crying during the movie at the impact it has on me, the Jesus story. And I have no conscience about flat out lying, okay?

[Luke Burbank]

I want listeners to understand this person. 50% of my body is constituted by this person you're listening to right now. If you want to understand me at my core as a person, it's because this person created me inside her body and then sent me out into the world.

[Andrew]

And it's a movie.

[Susie Burbank]

And by the way, the usher. The usher's like, to my brother, you're out of here.

[Luke Burbank]

I imagine just like Uncle Chuck just screaming. And the usher's carrying him out. Yeah, like. And It's a Wonderful Life. When. When. When it's like the bad version, you know, he was never born. And what's her name, Violet, is, like, turned into a kind of a. A wild maniac, and she's being carried out of there. I feel like that was Uncle Chuck back in the day. What are you gonna say?

[Andrew]

I was just gonna say, I feel like this is the second greatest story ever told to be. Hon. Possibly. Because, I mean, I mean, as you pointed out, the real killer of that story is that it's a story about Jesus. Like, I mean, that is just so great.

[Susie Burbank]

I have no regret, you know, but.

[Luke Burbank]

Mom, here's the thing. Did you. I mean, and again, I'm. I've. You've talked about this, I think maybe on the show before. I've certainly brought it up when you weren't here, but, like, your. This idea that you were saying about how you sort of were like, Johnny, like, going, you know, pretending that you. There was somebody in the theater you were calling to. This was early kind of foreshadowing for a thing that you were doing up until, like, I don't know, 10 years ago, which was sneaking into the Y with one headphone in pretending that you were going back in and you had forgotten something. Do you feel like the key to sneaking in is a very thorough backstory for your character?

[Susie Burbank]

But you know what? I have to basically have some self talk here. I don't have to sneak in anymore.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Susie Burbank]

You know, I don't have to do any sneakiness in the thrift store. I can pay. I don't have to only go to Goodwill on Monday when. And I only look at the stuff that's a buck 99, you know, because it's the oldest sticker, you know, so it goes.

[Luke Burbank]

What about the shoes with that? What about dad's shoes, though, that you made him take back and then you hid what?

[Susie Burbank]

That was kind of recent, wasn't it? About a year ago. Okay, so Walter sees some really nice shoes in Goodwill, and he buys them, full price. And I'm like, wait, that's a red sticker. I think that's going on sale next Monday.

[Andrew]

Yes.

[Susie Burbank]

So for a buck 99. And they were like, 30 bucks. Okay.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Susie Burbank]

Which is expensive for Goodwill.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Susie Burbank]

Brand new, though. So I say, give them to me. I'll take them back, and hopefully they'll reshelf them in time.

[Andrew]

Time.

[Susie Burbank]

This was like, on a Wednesday or something. I go back that Monday morning, there they are, reshelved a buck 99.

[Andrew]

Nice.

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, I thought you hid them.

[Susie Burbank]

Oh, I might have hit them. I might have hit them. Yeah.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Susie Burbank]

But still, I hid them so that they were still there. I mean, they have to reshelf everything.

[Andrew]

So, you know, like, maybe like you slipped them behind a VCR in the wrong part of the store or something like that?

[Susie Burbank]

No, they were probably in the shoes, but they have these little openings between the racks, you know, slipped. Maybe I slipped one down because nobody wants one shoe.

[Luke Burbank]

Smart.

[Susie Burbank]

You know what I mean?

[Luke Burbank]

That's pretty smart. And so. But then the good news was they were still there. And you were able to get them for $1.99. So the plan worked.

[Susie Burbank]

Right. And I come home with them. I am so. I'm like a kid on Christmas morning from a wealthy family, you know? And I'm, like, so excited. And Walter says, oh, okay. I'm like, don't you get it?

[Luke Burbank]

It worked.

[Andrew]

Well, was he peeved at all that he had to take a special trip back to Goodwill to return them?

[Susie Burbank]

I returned them.

[Andrew]

Oh, okay. I see.

[Susie Burbank]

You know, he doesn't return. Well, he does if it's Home Depot or something that he can't use, but for the most part he doesn't like that scene.

[Andrew]

See, it's. This is. This is kind of a serious question. I mean, it's not a super serious question, but I'm not joking about this. Like, in a certain way it sounds like you were a little bit disappointed that he wasn't more joyous in the good deal when you brought him home. But I also get the impression is he probably also wasn't that put out when you said, we're taking those back to the store. Probably. The good thing about a Walter Burbank is he's pretty even keeled on both sides of that, right?

[Susie Burbank]

Yes, Maybe sometimes two even keeled.

[Andrew]

I was trying to say something positive. Susie, can you be too even keeled?

[Luke Burbank]

Well, mama, listen, this has been really fun. We gotta like, thank some donors and do a couple of other things on the show, but thank you. First of all, thanks for hanging out with me and dad this week. It's always fun when you're here. And thanks for being on the show and good luck with the book club. The TBTL book club. Have you, you, you have read the book for the book club?

[Susie Burbank]

Yes, and that's a. I'm gonna make a pitch for that. When are we getting together via Zoom for the Color of the Dark, I think it's called. I read it. I read it on my vacation. Yeah, Colors of the Dark, I think it's called. Anyway, somebody email me.

[Luke Burbank]

You're asking the book club people when the book club is gonna happen? Essentially, yeah.

[Susie Burbank]

Like when? We're meeting sometime in September sometimes.

[Andrew]

So I'm looking it up right now to see if there's any chance that I. Cuz I know they loop me in on that stuff and I'm just doing a bad job here. It's called the Colors of the Dark. Yeah, I'm not seeing anything in my email.

[Luke Burbank]

So if you're in the TBT book club, email my mom please, and tell her when the zoom is. Yes, if we could have you do that. All right, mom, thank you. Okay, thanks.

[Andrew]

Love you.

[Luke Burbank]

You're the best.

[Susie Burbank]

A lot of fun.

[Andrew]

Bye. Good to see you by. Thank you, baby.

[Luke Burbank]

All right, let's thank those donors. These folks are keeping TBTL in business with their voluntary donation of their hard earned Money. This is 100 listener supported podcasting and we've got to thank Patrinka Sellind of Portland, Oregon.

[Andrew]

Hey. Hey. Thank you, Patrinka. You know, sometimes I like to let donors know exactly where their money is going. I think it's nice to have that kind of transparency. And I will just say, say the booking costs of getting somebody like Susie Burbank on the show are. I mean, is significant. Too strong of a word.

[Luke Burbank]

I don't think it's strong enough.

[Andrew]

Yeah. So.

[Luke Burbank]

And, you know, I'd say prohibitive. Expense is almost prohibitive when you include the.

[Andrew]

The labor that goes into booking somebody like that, her team, the dm, the. I mean, everything that goes along with it. So thank you for making that possible.

[Luke Burbank]

The absolute lack of space in my refrigerator because of the. Just. There's the largest jug I've ever seen of Arizona iced tea in there right now.

[Andrew]

Like fruit.

[Luke Burbank]

Arizona iced tea. Fruit punch.

[Andrew]

Oh, interesting.

[Luke Burbank]

I didn't even know they made that.

[Andrew]

Me neither.

[Luke Burbank]

Among other things. Like, they just. They've got all kinds. There's a giant honeydew melon.

[Andrew]

It's just honeydew is gotta be. It's gotta be the. On the lowest rung of the melon ladder. Right. You know, do you mess with honeydew?

[Luke Burbank]

I don't. Like, not. Not intentionally. It's like, you know, if I'm at a. If I'm at a breakfast buffet and there's a fruit salad and it has honeydew and I'll eat some of it.

[Andrew]

I don't mind it if it's in there. Sure, you can have it. But, like, I don't know, man. That's the green one, right? Because cantaloupe is. Is the.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah. Is the camp has that kind of skin on it that, like, you know, pockmarked little kind of outer on the outside.

[Andrew]

Yeah, exactly. And I sort of feel like. I feel like those two are holding, like, the last and second last place of.

[Luke Burbank]

You're putting watermelon at the top, obviously, right?

[Andrew]

Melon.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Yeah, I think so.

[Luke Burbank]

What else even is there that you know?

[Andrew]

That's a really good point. I thought there were other melons that I liked more, but now I'm just googling types of melon. There aren't as many melons as I thought. So maybe that ladder is shorter. Yeah. Maybe I'm not as much of a melon guy, but, yeah, I guess watermelon would have to be the top.

[Luke Burbank]

We ate a lot of cantaloupe when I was growing up. I should ask my mom. What? That's all.

[Andrew]

I feel like that's weird.

[Luke Burbank]

Did you grow up eating cantaloupe?

[Andrew]

Yes. So cantaloupe and I always think of Honeydew as cantaloupe's like, less charismatic little brother. You know what I mean? And I think we're getting very close to a quote from BoJack Horseman where he's freaking out about honeydew at some point as well. But, yeah, it's like, we ate a lot of cantaloupe, and I loved it as a kid, but then I think I got to a point where I was like, I don't. I don't love this anymore.

[Luke Burbank]

I think it's generational. I think our parents. Generation. And maybe it was just, you know, the photographs of a balanced breakfast that were on the cereal box or whatever in the commercials. There was like, they were. I feel like I have to imagine that cantaloupe has really fallen off.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

As our generation has gotten older, like, do you think people our age who have kids.

[Andrew]

Kids.

[Luke Burbank]

Or maybe the people who have young kids are now younger than us? You know what I mean?

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

But, like, I wonder if the parents of the kind of, you know, of. Of the younger kids of America, if they're feeding them cantaloupe anymore, because it was always a given in our generation.

[Andrew]

Yeah. So you ate a lot of it, too, huh? Yeah. I mean, summer fruit was such a huge thing for us. We loved, like, we would grab peaches, plums, all that stuff. But I remember cantaloupe being a staple, and whether it was. Pardon me. Whether I'm sort of mulanying over here, whether it was cut into little chunks or sometimes given to us in, like, kind of slices with the. With the. That outer crust. Yeah, the rind. Rind is still on it. You kind of eat it. You know what I mean? Like an ear of corn, sort of. But, yeah, it seemed like that was always a staple. And I don't know, man. I guess I see them in stores, but, like, I just. I don't know. I don't know, other than a water.

[Luke Burbank]

If I'm having people over, maybe I'd get a watermelon for fun. Sure.

[Andrew]

But, like, absolutely.

[Luke Burbank]

You know, a normal Tuesday, you come over to my house and you open the fridge, you're not seeing any melons in there. Watermelons travel with a melon.

[Andrew]

Yeah, that's right. Because they brought cantaloupe to your house.

[Luke Burbank]

They brought. It's not cantaloupe. Brought honeydew.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

My dad eats more applesauce than anyone I've ever seen.

[Andrew]

Interesting. Always yellow or something.

[Luke Burbank]

Applesauce.

[Andrew]

Ever the red kind with the cinnamon or just yellow.

[Luke Burbank]

It's little single Serving packs.

[Andrew]

But it's. It.

[Luke Burbank]

It's not. The thing about them is my parents are the least brand loyal people maybe in the history of consumerism. So they just like whatever it is. So in other words, it's not like my dad isn't a mott. He's not a motto man or something. Like they don't have any. There's. That's not true. There are some brands that they like. Like there's a. There's a ginger beer they really like. That's like Bundes something or other that they get sometimes if it's on sale at like Costco or whatever. So there are some things that are. My dad has a particular kind of licorice that he likes, but. But like mostly they just show up with whatever they show up with it. It's just like, I can't imagine they went into the store going, God, I need some Arizona iced tea. Fruit punch.

[Andrew]

Yes.

[Luke Burbank]

Like my thirst. Like, there's no way that was the plan. Going into the store.

[Andrew]

They saw a deal.

[Luke Burbank]

They saw a deal.

[Andrew]

Yeah. I respect.

[Luke Burbank]

It was a crime of opportunity.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Because I don't, I don't go for that. You know what I mean? I just go with my list. I'm the opposite of that in every way. I'm very brand loyal. You know, I like my Jif peanut butter and well, I've switched my. I was going to say Claussen pickles my whole life, but I have you.

[Luke Burbank]

Switched to gift peanut butter.

[Andrew]

Grillo's has really been giving Claussen a run for the money in our household, which makes me think I'm actually very interested in that story. Not unlike Twisted Tea. I believe that company has made some sort of a subtle marketing push or maybe not so subtle marketing push because suddenly I'm just seeing them in stores all over the place. But yeah, no, I'm very brand loyal and I do not look for deals. I just buy what I want. And so I'm very opposite of. Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

We are still thanking donors here, including folks like Jamie Carpenter of Minneapolis, Minnesota.

[Andrew]

Oh, I've been there. I've taken the green line there.

[Luke Burbank]

Gives me exactly the opening. I need to remind everyone that we. I'm doing Livewire at the Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul with Maria Bamford and a special guest we can't tell you about. And I think it's September 26th and I would love to see some 10 there.

[Andrew]

But that's a.

[Luke Burbank]

Because that's in St. Paul. Yeah, but you know, Andrew, that they're called the Twin Cities. Have you Heard that?

[Andrew]

I have. They have a bear called Twinsy. What's the mascot for the twins? He's like twins or something like that.

[Luke Burbank]

I don't think I even knew that. So they've got like a bear in a twins uniform. Yeah.

[Andrew]

I don't know why it's a bear other than I guess there are bears in Minnesota, right?

[Luke Burbank]

Uh huh. I don't think I knew that.

[Andrew]

It should be.

[Luke Burbank]

It should be a reference to the Minnesota State Fair. I don't know.

[Andrew]

Oh, I like that. Fair.

[Luke Burbank]

A deep. A deep fried something.

[Andrew]

Yes. Or a fire princess. Fair is also a word in baseball. I don't know if you could do something. It's the name of the mascot now before the rebranding that we're gonna offer them later. Yeah. Is TC Bear. And the TC stands for Twin Cities Luke. That's why.

[Luke Burbank]

And you don't buy him as a joke. You don't give him as a joke.

[Andrew]

You don't.

[Luke Burbank]

Okay. Thank you for getting that joke.

[Andrew]

That is. That is right over the plate for the stew bot. I will say middle. Middle right.

[Luke Burbank]

That's that one. That one got away from the picture. That one went middle, middle. And now it's sailing somewhere over First Avenue. Serena Roberts is in Tacoma, Washington. Thank you, Serena, for supporting tbtl. Thanks also to Patty Struck of Kent, Washington.

[Andrew]

All right. I haven't been to Kent in a while.

[Luke Burbank]

Hey, look who it is. My friend Dan Poss of Snohomish, Washington. Dan.

[Andrew]

You know Dan.

[Luke Burbank]

Thanks, buddy. I do know Dan. Dan is a supremely talented individual who does a million things, including takes a bunch of Seahawks pictures. He's one of the kind of like officially like sanctioned photographers for those games. He gets to wear like, I think he gets to wear like an orange vest, stand on the sideline and get really close to the action.

[Andrew]

I love that. I love looking at those folks cameras because it's like. It's like the camera makes up about 10% of the whole unit. It's like all lens, right. With this tiny little camera on the end of it. What's going on over there? Are you frying bacon?

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, you can hear that. You know what's interesting?

[Andrew]

I don't think the listener can.

[Luke Burbank]

It does have a smell, but it ain't bacon. You know what it is? It's wall cutting where he's putting some safety railing up on the last bit of the deck on the house that didn't have safety railing. You need that and it's metal. You need that for insurance and for peace of mind. You Know, I don't want anybody. I don't want anybody falling off the deck. It's pretty high off the ground. And so he's putting the last bit of the hand railing on it. But it's metal and it has to be cut, and it has to be really. It's like. It's almost like it's more grinded than cut. Like, he's got the. This big chop saw. I think it might be my chops. I think I might have bought it. But it's got this big grinder wheel on it. So you can cut metal so it makes sparks. And it smells like, you know, when you're on the freeway and someone just destroyed their clutch.

[Andrew]

O. Yeah, that burning smell.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, it smells like that right now. Because that's what. So that's what you were hearing in the background.

[Andrew]

That guy is Butch af, man.

[Luke Burbank]

Dude, like, low key. So yesterday they got into my stock tank cow pool, and we're like. My mom was. Me and my mom were sitting in folding chairs in the pool. So we were just kind of like had our legs kind of soaking. And then my dad got done with doing some work, and then he came and then he sat on the edge of the pool shirtless and smoked his cigar. And the dude is in arguably better shape than I am.

[Andrew]

Oh, yeah, my dad's in better shape than me.

[Luke Burbank]

But I don't. And I don't appreciate that because this is a man who has never asked himself, himself. He has never looked at the back of a jug of Arizona iced tea fruit punch and said, what are the macros on this? What is the carb content of this? Like, he has never at one moment in his life asked, should I be putting this in my mouth right now? Should I be eating this or did I? Did I. You know, was I in the target heart rate zone for fat burning during my exercise? Like, it's. These are not things the guy ever thinks about.

[Andrew]

No, he's just got metal, sharpening metal over the there.

[Luke Burbank]

That's all he's doing. Just being, as you said, butch af.

[Andrew]

Yes.

[Luke Burbank]

We've also got to thank Stacia KDO of Tacoma, Washington.

[Andrew]

Thank you, Stacia. We have two. Two Tacomas. Look at that.

[Luke Burbank]

That's right. Checking in our pal Sta and Serena. I wonder if they know each other. Tacoma is not a huge town. I love Tacoma. I always say this when it comes up on the show.

[Andrew]

We gotta.

[Luke Burbank]

I gotta spend more time in Tacoma.

[Andrew]

Yeah, we should do something there.

[Luke Burbank]

It's a historic city. It's a Beautiful city. It's. And it's not raining. Home of the Rainiers. We did is the Rainier season.

[Andrew]

Are they done? They might be getting close. I will say that the Tens had a meetup at a Rainiers game, I believe, two Sundays ago, and it sounds like it went really, really well. I think Krista organizes that one. Thank you, Krista, for doing that. And I saw some pictures from it. I'm sorry I couldn't make it. It looked like a beautiful day at a beautiful ballpark. I love Cheney Stadium.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, I need to get back there at some point. Point. So anyway, thank you so much to our donors for making TBTL possible. This honestly could not happen with. And we could not, like Andrew said, we could not snag that coveted Susie Burbank appearance if not for the financial support of our donors. So thank you so much.

[Andrew]

Hello, and welcome to Top Story.

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, I meant to take a picture of this, Andrew. Maybe I will later. Oh, you know what? I have a picture from the ad for this item that I can send you, so I'm gonna send you a picture.

[Andrew]

Oh, I think you've shown this to me before because I don't know if it was on the show or off. I feel like it was on the show. But you were telling me about a magazine rack that you were very tempted by, but you were like, you were still thinking like you were still in that. Girl, don't do it. Girl, don't do it. But it sounds like I did it.

[Luke Burbank]

I did it.

[Andrew]

Yeah, I did it.

[Luke Burbank]

I ordered it to a while ago, actually, because I have a lot of loose magazines in the house. You know, just kind of like stacks of New Yorkers that. I've said this many times, but it's, you know, a New Yorker magazine in my house. It's like, matter. It cannot be destroyed. It's like I'm never going to throw it out because there's always going to be some part of it I haven't read yet. And I tell myself that there's going to be some day when I get snowed in and I just spend 12 hours reading through every single New Yorker that I have. But they're just kind of sitting in stacks in various places. And I thought, oh, this might be kind of a nice little organizing tool that have a little magazine rack. So I finally did break down and I ordered it, and, boy, it came from the furthest regions of China. Andrew, when I say that this thing took forever to get here, and I.

[Andrew]

Was funny, it looks like. Would it be Quaker? No, I kind of confused Quakers and Shakers. I'm not even joking. But what is the style of carpet?

[Luke Burbank]

A little bit of Shaker, like kind of arts and crafts movement kind of like. Yeah, it's wood. It's very simple. Yeah, kind of that, like. Yeah, that Shaker, like furniture movement or whatever.

[Andrew]

I wish I hadn't said Quaker, but you knew what I was talking about. But yeah, it really, it's very cute. It reminds me of something that I would have seen. Like, do you know what CCD is? Like, like something would be church adjacent, sort of like I could see this like going into some sort of catechism class and it would be like that's where our works are or something.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, my dad looks like my dad's like that looks like that should just be in the library, like the public library.

[Andrew]

It's very sweet looking. Yeah. Like it.

[Luke Burbank]

But so I, Yeah, but I mean, man, the, the, the shipping updates on it of just kind of like first of all, the emails would sometimes just be fully in Chinese, in Chinese characters. And I was like, okay, we haven't run this through the translator, obviously. And then it was like sitting in a port in China for a long time and then eventually made its way here. So it showed up yesterday. I was all excited to put it together. And you know, because, because of remodeling my house and then needing to put stuff in the house, you know, furniture and different cabinets and just all kinds of stuff. I've gotten pretty used to how stuff shows up. One thing I know is that anything that I buy online is not going to be assembled when it gets here. It is just a given that I am going to have to assemble it. It's just part of the deal, I guess. And so I'm pretty used to that. And in fact, I've been kind of pleasantly surprised with some of the stuff that I've purchased. Just like I'm looking right now out on the deck of the house and I have. There's a couple of these chairs. They're like outdoor chairs that have like a kind of a. Some cushions on them that can sort of get wet and stuff, you know, and whatever. They're wood chairs are pretty nice and they came in the mail not assembled. But what I like that the most of the people are doing now is they're actually labeling each piece, you know, so it's just, it's like I'm kind of surprised IKEA doesn't do this as much. I don't think they even do this at all. Like, they Tell you the name of the piece, but you have to look at the instructions and then you have to kind of look at the piece and kind of go, is that the piece that they're calling L2 or whatever? They just have stickers on a lot of things now that's just like this one is L2 and it's got this sticker and all of the ones that are L2 have a sticker on there. And then when you look at the directions, it's just like put L1 on L2 and then you put this screw in and it's all labeled and it's very. It's actually very helpful and very intuitive. I feel like the. That the design is getting better about assembling things because we are buying so many more things that show up unassembled.

[Andrew]

Uh huh. Yes.

[Luke Burbank]

Which is why I was pretty surprised yesterday when this magazine rack showed up, Andrew. With absolutely zero directions. Just nothing. And the wood just stacked in a pile. And then one small tube of questionable wood. Glass glue. No. No screws? No. You know, like. No, it was completely. It was intended to be glued together, which they did not give me enough glue for. And it also had zero instructions as to what went into what. It was like a puzzle that I had to puzzle out and then glue together myself.

[Andrew]

It is shocking. I mean, the most shocking thing here is that there's absolutely no fasteners. I did not not see that coming. I thought you're going to say stack of wood, bunch of screws and maybe those little. I mean, I guess it looks better if you don't have exposed screws, but you can have those little caps or something like that. Yeah, I was picturing just no instructions and just glue this mofo together.

[Luke Burbank]

In fact, I don't even know if I was supposed to glue it together. I just assumed.

[Andrew]

And you did.

[Luke Burbank]

I did. And the tube said. It said something like it had a weird word on I didn't recognize. And then it said like, made in Germany. Like the glue was made in Germany.

[Andrew]

That good German glue.

[Luke Burbank]

Did you look that good German glue.

[Andrew]

That everyone look it up online? Do you watch a YouTube video or something?

[Luke Burbank]

No, I just hunched over it in my like dining room area and like glued half of it together. Well, first I pieced it together. Well, first I tried to put it.

[Andrew]

Together and I slot together in a certain way though. It just seems so messy. Okay. They sort of slot together and then the glue holds it there. You're not just kind of like, like slipping and slopping around with this glue.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, there was some of that because, well, the first thing that happened was I start. I just. I'm gonna try to assemble it without the glue to make sure I know how it goes together.

[Andrew]

Okay, great. Yes. Okay.

[Luke Burbank]

And I'm 100% sure that they have screwed up, because I'm trying to fit this one kind of part of it into this area, and it's just off by about a quarter inch. And I'm like. I cowed. They screw this up, and then my dad comes in and he looks at it for one second, and he just flips it over. And then it was fine.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

I was like, get out of here, you fly, you sexy handyman. So that was embarrassing. But so then I pieced it all together and then figured out, okay, this is how it goes together. But then the problem is. So then I put the glue. I put the glue down on one side. I put it all back together. So just imagine it's on its side and one part of it is all glued together. But now the other side needs to be placed upon. There's like, 10. There's a whole bunch of little wooden ends that need to fit into these slots that are, like, routed out. And the problem is it's loosey goosey, even though it's glued on one side. What you basically have to do is kind of is sort of massage about 10 different moving parts to fit into 10 different slots.

[Andrew]

Yeah, I can totally.

[Luke Burbank]

Which is, it turns out, actually, impossible.

[Andrew]

Kind of wiggle them in, but now.

[Luke Burbank]

You got wet glue, and one of them's in, but then the other one's not. And then you move the other one, and then the original one comes out. It's like an impossible task. And. And there's glue everywhere, because now. So I glue down one side, and then I, like. I, like, have to get out some Elmer's wood glue of my own supply because I ran out with the, like, that fine German glue they sent it with. So then I'm putting. And I'm trying to not put too much glue in because I know this is going to be an issue. Now I'm turning this thing over. I'm putting the other side. So there's like. Basically I have a triangular board that's one side of the magazine. Right. Rack. And it is now face down. Imagine it was a. A piece of toast with jam on it. It's jam side down.

[Andrew]

Yeah. You need to let that dry, otherwise the glue will start dripping down. Right.

[Luke Burbank]

But the problem is that, I mean, yes, I guess what I could have done I don't know if you have met me, Andrew. Patience is not one of my core deliverables. But, like, of course I'm not waiting for one side to completely dry because you were. You know what? That had not even occurred to you?

[Andrew]

Me?

[Luke Burbank]

You're so right. I should have just let it completely dry. And like, the next, like, today, I go in and I, like, place the other side down, and I put glue in all the holes, and I pick up the totally glued, 8, 90% done part, and I fit it in. I did not follow that route. I instead just, like, put glue into the holes of the one side, flipped it over, jam side down, and then tried to, like, wiggle it onto all of these different pegs. It was supposed to be going on.

[Andrew]

Did it go. I mean, did you. Are you happy with the final outcome? Do you have glue drips or anything? Or is it all cleaned up and looking good now that it's.

[Luke Burbank]

It looks okay? It did. We did have some glue drips. I tried to deal with them as soon as. Yeah, I could. I also placed a magazine in front of couple. I actually need to go back and look. I was hoping this fine German glue. You know how wood glue, it's crazy because if you've ever glued anything together with wood glue, you're like, oh, that went everywhere. And then it dries, and it's totally clear.

[Andrew]

I don't think I've ever used it. Used it?

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah. Wood glue tends to dry, like, perfectly clear, so it's usually not very noticeable, but I actually haven't. So what I did finally was so I. I put this whole thing together. I let it dry for, I don't know, six, seven hours, and then I tipped it upright and kind of placed it in its forever home, kind of against this wall, and I put some magazines in it. And one of the things I did was I put a magazine in front of an area where some glue was still kind of, like, white and kind of drying. So I actually need to go back and check it today. That's my solution for.

[Andrew]

Oh, I see. You were hiding it. I thought you were going to say that. Then you went to grab the magazine, and now the magazine is stuck to the blue, and you're going to have, like, paper.

[Luke Burbank]

There was a little joint.

[Andrew]

Oh, you were just. You're hiding.

[Luke Burbank]

I was hiding it. And. And so my hope is that when it's 100 dry, it will disappear, but I don't actually know yet, because instead of, like, again, letting any of this happen over a timeline that would Be advisable. I was, like, putting it all together. I put this really heavy cutting board on it so that it was, like, weighted down. I thought that would spin, speed up the process. And then when it was mostly dry, I kind of stood it upright and put it in its place and then started putting magazines in it because I was excited. And then I just put one of the magazines in front of an area where there was glue that was visible at one point. And today I will go after the show and see if it actually has become invisible now that it's dry.

[Andrew]

It's good, though. I'm with you because I know that you get those Maxim magazines and the motocross magazines, and it's good to have a place for. For. For all of those things so you can sort of. I think magazines are mostly there to let people know who you are or how you.

[Luke Burbank]

My respectability magazine shows.

[Andrew]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Luke Burbank]

Do you want to know the magazines that I have in there?

[Andrew]

No, no, I will tell you. You have New Yorkers in there. You have to say Paris reviews, probably. Do you have the Paris Review in there?

[Luke Burbank]

No, but that's a good idea. That's in here.

[Andrew]

I feel like you're okay. I'm surprised you don't have any Paris reviews in there. Well, those are the two that I thought were going to be home runs. And I guess you already said the New Yorker. I don't see you as an Atlantic guy, at least not these days.

[Luke Burbank]

I used to be. I'm not. Not in Atlanta. How do I put this? I'm not. Not an Atlantic guy, but I don't subscribe to them right now. But that wasn't because of any specific falling out I had with, you know, whoever the executive editor is. Although I will say that the Atlantic does give me Ajita these days.

[Andrew]

Yeah, I'm not down with.

[Luke Burbank]

You know what I mean? I get emails from them every day, and I'm like. I'm hovering. Do I click?

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Do I descend into this think piece that's going. Going to keep me up?

[Andrew]

I just wish they'd write one really good story about how the Dems lost the election. That's. That's what I'm looking for. How they. They're just. What about Harp? What about Harpers?

[Luke Burbank]

Harpers?

[Andrew]

Do you have any Harpers in there?

[Luke Burbank]

I do have a beef with Lewis Lapham.

[Andrew]

Of course you do. Big Beef. Big Beef Lapam. Big Beef Lapam. Are you. Would you have any of those in there?

[Luke Burbank]

No, I don't. You know, I feel like a Harper's would look really good in that. That seems like a magazine rack that was made to have a Harper's in it.

[Andrew]

Certainly does. Yeah. Maybe a hymnal, too. I. Okay, I guess I'm out. I guess I thought I knew you better.

[Luke Burbank]

There's a Dwell magazine in there.

[Susie Burbank]

Oh, Dwell.

[Luke Burbank]

Of course there's a Dwell magazine. And then there's a. There is a. A couple of old Nat Geos.

[Andrew]

Oh, interesting.

[Luke Burbank]

I don't even know where those came from, but I just threw them in there.

[Andrew]

You like all the nudity. I believe that's the thing there.

[Luke Burbank]

I did, I did. My dad did catch me when I was a kid with a folded up section of a National Geographic on the side of my bed of women in another part of the world who are in a part of the world where they don't wear shirts. And I remember I was making my bed. My dad was helping me make my bed. I must have been a really little kid. And he was like, what's that? And I was like, nothing. And he's like, oh, let me see. And he pulls it out. It's like a folded up. And I want to mention, I was not at an age where I even understood, like, you know, the birds and the bees. I wasn't having any kind of a sort of sexual life at all. I was just fascinated, riveted by this thing. I didn't know why I couldn't stop looking at it, but I couldn't.

[Andrew]

Yes, exactly. And obviously we're adult. I mean, I don't know if making these kind of jokes is just sort of like tired or whatever, but like, you know, given who we are now or whatever. But when you're a kid and especially in the 80s, and you're just like, well, I can't see this anywhere else, but it's also a magazine that is sometimes in schools and in libraries or whatever. It just seemed like a loophole. It seemed like a totally right to see a kind of nudity, you know, And I'm not. I don't say that. I know that that is not the point of that magazine or whatever, if people are cringing their way through this conversation. But at the time, when you're a kid, you're just kind of like, I can't see this anywhere else. I can't get this anywhere else. You're just like, this is just like sitting here in the barbershop. It's just sitting here in the barbershop.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah. Not only am I getting to see nudity, but I'm being classy.

[Andrew]

Yes, exactly.

[Luke Burbank]

I'm learning about the. I'm learning about the canopy of the. Of the Amazon.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

And also I'm seeing nudity. This is a sweet deal. And then there's a. Let's see, what else do I have in there? I think I have a. I think there might be a couple of case study books about. Or attach. In books about the case study home. And then there is a braille edition of a Playboy magazine.

[Andrew]

Oh, really? Did you get that? Like a, like antique mall or something?

[Luke Burbank]

Something like that. And it's. And so it is a. It is a Playboy magazine, but it does not have any actual. It is all in braille, which again, I think is a. I'd really actually like to have somebody who reads braille or who is visually impaired read it and tell me what's in there. Because I mean, to go back to that joke about Playboy for the articles, that was when we were growing up. Always the big joke. The irony being, I think Playboy really had good articles.

[Andrew]

Yeah, they had a lot of heavy hitters of the day. I mean, they were all white men, but yeah, they had super heavy hitters.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah. Like I said, good writers, but yeah, yeah. So that was always the joke, was that like, you know, oh, I just get it for the articles. But what I don't really know because I can't read Braille, is if. If there are parts of this braille edition of Playboy magazine that has descriptions of the models. Like, is there. I wonder what the braille equivalent might be of, like a, A photograph of a woman without any clothes on, you.

[Andrew]

Know, or those Randy comics that used to be in there as well. Sure, right.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, right. I would guess those seem, you know, again, my, My lack of awareness around braille is. Is obviously pretty extensive. Extensive. But like, I could kind of see most like, obviously the articles, and then obviously I could see those comics maybe with a little extra description of like a guy is sitting at his desk and his wife is dressed like a French maid or whatever. And you know, I could see that kind of working, but I wonder what the. And I could also see that like, you know, when they would have the like, center fold or whatever, they would talk about their likes and dislikes or whatever. You know, there's like, there's a lot of written material around it. But then I wonder if there's a part that just says like, like, you know, I don't know, somebody is reclining near a waterfall. I feel like somebody has leaned back on a hay. On a bale of hay.

[Andrew]

I feel like, it's unlikely they did that in that format during that era, but it does make me wonder in today, because, you know, like. And you know this, Luke, I've told you this, like, whenever I add a photo to our website or the newsletter, I write a pretty detailed description of what is depicted in that gif or photo or whatever it is for people who can't actually see it. Right. And I think it's called. It's called alt text. Right. It's kind of metadata, and you can say, this is a photo. Well, yesterday, actually. Yesterday's was a fun one. I'm trying to think, could I actually get to. Could I actually. I'm trying to figure out if I.

[Luke Burbank]

Could get to the.

[Andrew]

Get to the altar what I had to do for yesterday's AI creation of.

[Luke Burbank]

POD being prayed over by those podcasters.

[Andrew]

Yeah, let me. Let me. Let me just see here for a second. I think. Sorry to stall things, but I do wonder if in today's day and age, though, if you do have some saucy photos on a website, but it's a website that is run by people who are considering that if they are kind of like, writing those kinds of descriptions, I would find that kind of fascinating, and I would love to apply for that job. All right. I don't think yesterday's was all that interesting, actually. But here's what I wrote to describe the AI creation of famous podcasters praying over us. And I wrote, AI, Andrew and Luke. Oh, no, I'm sorry. That is. That's just the name of the file. I was like, that's terrible. I wrote, okay, weird AI creation that looks like a painting of three famous podcasters praying over Andrew and Luke. And then in parentheses, Alex Cooper, Ira Glass, and Ashley Flower. So that's all that. That one. It was not as colorful, but sometimes I. I really do take it seriously, and I try to, like, give as much detail as possible, and it'd be really fun if I could do that for something saucy.

[Luke Burbank]

That's. I love that you do that, by the way, Andrew, and I appreciate it. I do think you could have written in your jacked arms, too.

[Andrew]

Yeah, I know. There is a limit.

[Luke Burbank]

You're being very humble.

[Andrew]

I can. Well, it's also. AI just a reminder. Those aren't really my arms yet, but I. I can't tell you how many times I've bumped up the end to the end of the. Of the allotted space for my description descriptions.

[Luke Burbank]

There's also something about this AI that makes you look very stubby.

[Andrew]

I Am.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Don't you?

[Luke Burbank]

Like, you're much. You're much taller in real life than the AI version of you in this painting.

[Andrew]

I'm more like a fire plug in this, aren't I? There's something about the way my legs are kind of spread, and I definitely. My torso isn't as tall, sort of.

[Luke Burbank]

We're both kind of in miniature a little bit.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Like, I.

[Luke Burbank]

Because I also look smaller. Like, I think this is something where AI isn't good with maybe perspective. Like, because we're seated and these people are standing over us, it's. It's like doing some sort of a, you know, XY axis proportional ratio thing where instead of making us our normal size and we're sitting down, it's like, kind of shrunk us down.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Yeah, maybe. I mean, let me ask you this. Do you think the podcast has been better since this has been created? Cause I'm looking at it again now.

[Luke Burbank]

And it is like, is the prayer working?

[Andrew]

Is the prayer working? Is my question?

[Luke Burbank]

I think so. I think my mom was great today on the show. I don't know. So I also have noticed that this has two comments. We don't get a ton of comments. If you'[e-mail], people don't usually comment in the comment section there about the show. People do over on Facebook and Slack. There's, believe me, I'd say too much discourse about the show. But we don't usually. I don't usually see comments about where the show is [e-mail] and we have two comments, one from our friend Linder going, what is this painting? Puts painting in quotes and then cina saying, love, love, love the show pick and the passion from both of you. So I think that's a good sign. I think the show has gotten better since we were prayed over by these luminary. These podcast luminaries.

[Andrew]

That's right. Here I go once again with the email. Every week, I hope that it's from a female. Oh, man. It's not from a female.

[Luke Burbank]

All right. Emails or V mails?

[Andrew]

Yes. We got this very sweet voicemail from listener Allison regarding that huge relay race. I think you said that.

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, yeah. Hood to coast.

[Andrew]

Hood to coast. That your partner partook in. Becca, do you go with partner? I just. Sorry. Got caught up. The girlfriend.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't even know if we want to unpack that. I feel like. No, no. But I do. I like girlfriend because I think it's like. I don't know, it Feels. I like girlfriend and boyfriend. Because it feels somehow to me like. What's the word I'm looking for?

[Andrew]

Active? Inactive.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, like fun and almost kind of a little like, this is very sad. I don't use this word youthful. Like, so for me, I like that. But I know other people don't because it kind of seems like it may be like, it does not express the seriousness of things or whatever.

[Andrew]

I. You know, I've always called Genevieve my girlfriend. I've been saying that for years. I think maybe in just in the past few years, maybe slipped into partner a little bit more. But usually that is in the context of, like, you know, if you're. If something official in some way. You know what I mean? My partner, this or whatever. But I have always. But then the thing that would irritate me was, like, people would be like, you got to stop calling her your girlfriend or whatever and be like, what the f. Business is that? Yes. Like, dare. Like, how dare you? I mean, I finally got to it. I mean, finally, when I got to my 40s. People stop saying, why are. When you're going to marry her? First of all, like, saying that to me as if it's like, my choice or whatever. Like, I hate people just have no.

[Luke Burbank]

Turns you down hundreds times. That's what the listeners don't know.

[Andrew]

What I'd often say is, I still haven't found the right girl yet, which Genevieve loved. But anyway, okay. All that is to say your girlfriend Becca. Your. Your partner Becca ran in this crime.

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, dude. We did a lot of crimes in Europe, by the way. I didn't even tell you this. Do you know we illegally parked so many times in England and never got a ticket?

[Andrew]

Such a bad representation of the states. That is the exact Boris.

[Luke Burbank]

They didn't know we were from the States. States because we're in a rental car and because I had a monocle in the whole place.

[Andrew]

Oh, yeah, they saw you get out of that car.

[Luke Burbank]

We did. We were like a bond. We were like Bonnie and Clyde of. Of like, parking in areas like, you know, not illegally. We weren't like, blocking a fire hydrant or anything. But it was like when we went to Windsor Castle, we were like, well, we're just going to be here for like an hour. And there was, like, a loading zone that we parked in. Granted, it was a Sunday also, so maybe it didn't even apply, but we were like, let's just see. Went off, did this whole walk. It was beautiful. Got back, it was a couple hours later, no ticket, and Then we were like, okay, let's see how far we can run this. And so we did that in Bath. We just basically never paid for parking the whole time we were in England and we got away with that.

[Andrew]

I hate that you were able to find those spots because it's probably a culture that actually follows rules better than Americans. And then you're just in there like someone did. It's convenient for me.

[Luke Burbank]

Somebody left a note that said, ye olde polite car.

[Andrew]

Yes, it was in pink ink, of course. Okay. So did you tell me that this relay race, which sounded very brutal, aspects of it, especially because of the weather and everything, did you say it's the biggest relay race, foot race most participated in?

[Luke Burbank]

So it's not probably that the distance is the longest, although it is also a long distance. It's that it has 20,000 or so people participate. And I have to tell you, Andrew, some of the names. I know this is not the kind of thing you probably go in for, but some of the names of the running teams are really funny, actually. You can pick a name for your team.

[Andrew]

Yeah, I like puns and stuff.

[Luke Burbank]

While you're playing this voicemail. Let me see if I can get some of these.

[Andrew]

Yeah. So anyway, I think that's all the setup it needs was Becca was running in this relay race. You and I were both a little bit concerned and talking about it. And Alison called in with us.

[Listener Ali]

Hey guys, it's listener Ali in Seattle. I had to call in because on.

[Andrew]

Friday I have no idea why I label. Oh, you know why. I think the email came in and Ali's email probably is officially listed as Alison. So sorry about that, Ali.

[Listener Ali]

Hey guys, it's listener Allie in Seattle. I had to call in because on Friday I was listen to TB tail when I was actually running in the hood to coast relay when it was 100 degrees. So really appreciated all that wonderful advice on staying hydrated. My team finished safely and injury free and I'm hoping Becca's team did as well. I think there were 20,000 runners and it sounds like there were six people that needed to be hospitalized for heat exhaustion or something related to heat. Heat stroke. But my team did really well. We stayed hydrated. We finished successfully. Very excited about that. It was like a really great experience and it was fun to hear about it on the show. I also wanted to thank you for inspiring my running journey because I started running when I heard that Luke ran the half marathon last year. I thought, well, maybe I can do that. So I signed up for a 5k in December. And then in June, I ran a half marathon. And then, even though a year ago I couldn't even run one mile, I just got to participate in the Mother Evolve Relapse Blaze. Power out.

[Andrew]

Hey, Pretty great, man.

[Luke Burbank]

That's so cool.

[Andrew]

That's right. Oh, my gosh.

[Luke Burbank]

That's really.

[Andrew]

You get to take some credit, which is one of your favorite things.

[Luke Burbank]

It's like, honestly, one of my number one favorite things to do.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Let's see. These are some of the names of the teams that, you know, that participated in this year's Hood To Coast. We didn't. I don't think we got Allison's team name, but she could have been Whisker Biscuit was a team. How about Legs Miserable?

[Andrew]

That's pretty good.

[Luke Burbank]

Legs Miserable. That's pretty good.

[Andrew]

Wasn't your mom just wearing a Les Mis? She was. Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

She sure was. Let's see. Let me just kind of skipping through some of these. Oh, there's. There's. It seems to be different categories. So there's basically. Basically, I've made a huge mistake.

[Andrew]

Oh, wow.

[Luke Burbank]

Is one of them. I've made a huge mistake.

[Andrew]

I love that there are some people who have signed up for a brutal.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, that's right. You have the. You have the people who have gone with, like, the team name is, like, we're gonna be excellent. You know, we're gonna, like, really kick this run's butt. And then you have a lot of people that are just like, this was a terrible idea. Why did we do this? Of course, I tend to, you know, kind of identify with the people.

[Andrew]

People.

[Luke Burbank]

Somebody named this their team. Worst Wine Tour ever. It's pretty good. Let's see. There's a lot of talk about the fact that there's not the greatest bathroom facilities because it's almost all porta Potty. Somebody named their team Pooh's Honey Bucket Adventure two turned ankles and a microphone.

[Andrew]

Ah, that's pretty good.

[Luke Burbank]

Kind of clever. Runners in the hands of an angry God. I don't know what that would be. Let's see here. Oh, you like this one? Pass the kielbasier.

[Andrew]

Oh, that's pretty good.

[Luke Burbank]

Pass the Courvoisier, but pass the kielbasier.

[Andrew]

Yeah, I like that. I'm sorry. I'm a little distracted because I'm trying to think of some. What I would pitch for my team as well. Seize the relay, maybe? Could be. Oh, that's good. Race issues. Could be one. Because you're in a race.

[Luke Burbank]

Wow.

[Andrew]

I don't know. I'm Just trying to throw an idea. I'm just. This is what I'm pitching to my running partners here.

[Luke Burbank]

This is a joke that the people in the running world will appreciate. The devil wears Strava.

[Andrew]

What is Strava? Is that a running gear?

[Luke Burbank]

Strava is a. It's a. Well, what it is, is it's a. A website where you can log your workouts, and it's very big with real. With real runners. They're always like, oh, what's your Strava? And then they can all track each other. I'm like, I don't have a Strava because I do not want anyone knowing how slowly I'm running.

[Andrew]

You're like, I got a Papa John's app. I got a Murphy's app.

[Luke Burbank]

Here's what. Finishing in 199th place in the Men's open. You wind some. You booze some.

[Andrew]

That's pretty good.

[Luke Burbank]

Resting pace, face about foot. Fungus among us.

[Andrew]

No, thank you.

[Luke Burbank]

No. You're a no on that.

[Andrew]

No on that.

[Luke Burbank]

Let's see here. I'm just scrolling through. There's hundreds and hundreds of teams, as we've said, only. Anyway, there's Team Rural Juror.

[Andrew]

Oh, wow. A lot of references to those cultural touchstones that you and I. Yeah, I would like that. I think.

[Luke Burbank]

You know what I mean? Like, I'd like being in that van. That's apparently also the whole story with this, Becca tells me, is it's. It's. There's the running, but then there's mostly just the time you spend in a van with other people, some of them as strangers, that you, like, really have to, like, you know, that's. You got to factor that in, because if you're in a bad. They saw this one van, so they were walking or they read it. They were at a meetup spot, and Becca and her friend Kara, I think, were, like, out of the van. Maybe they were about to meet some of their teammates or something. And this hood to coasting can only exist because of this team of volunteers. And these volunteers are so sweet. They're standing in a field at 3 in the morning, directing people, you know, like where the vans are supposed to go to drop off the next runner or pick up a runner or whatever. And. And this very nice volunteer said to a van, there was a van that was driving too fast, and there's people around, and it's dark, and this van is driving really fast. And the volunteer says, not mean. Not in a mean way, but just says, hey, you got to slow down a Little bit. And apparently the person driving the van rolls down the window and says, like, f you. I was going six miles an hour.

[Andrew]

Whoa.

[Luke Burbank]

Can you imagine being in the van with a per. With that person's energy? Like, what. What a absolute trip ruiner. And then Becca and her friend Kara went over and Kara said, hey, I just want to really thank you for being here. And I want to. I want to say we do not agree with that sentiment and we appreciate you being here. And the volunteer was like, hey, thank you so much. That really means a lot.

[Andrew]

Oh, that's nice.

[Luke Burbank]

Like, what. What kind of an animal. What kind of an animal participates in this, like, fun, crazy running thing and then is like swearing at and being mean to the volunteers. Yeah.

[Andrew]

That's ridiculous. Although the good news is, is during that story, I came up with the perfect team name for us if you want to do this next year.

[Luke Burbank]

Yes. Is it Girls Gone Mild.

[Andrew]

No.

[Luke Burbank]

Who were participating in the Women's Open and they finished 174th. Sorry, they finished. That's my bad. They finished 40th.

[Andrew]

Fool runnings.

[Luke Burbank]

That's pretty good.

[Andrew]

Pretty good.

[Luke Burbank]

That's pretty good.

[Andrew]

Sort of feel. It fits into that whole regret thing that a lot of people are riffing on.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah. Let's see here. Well, the number two team that finished was Dojo of Pain. That tells you. That tells you what that team is all about as far as, like, how fast they're going to be running. There is also, by the way, like, there are. It's not. There aren't really so called professional teams. Like, there aren't people getting paid to do this. But there are teams that are sponsored. There are teams that are very, very fast runners that take this very, very seriously. In fact, you had Dojo of Pain finishing second place and then down in 18th place, you had Dojo of Pain 2. I love that Dojo of Pain 2 was. Was like someone beat us to it. But we're not going to let that stop us from naming our team Dojo of Pain.

[Andrew]

I guess you got to save all of your energy for the race and you're just. You don't have all the extra time on your hand. Like I would to try to come up with a better. I would be coming up with the names, but then also totally flaking on the race. Of course.

[Luke Burbank]

But you know what you could be is you could be the van driver, which is a very important job. Sometimes the runners have to drive people. Yeah, exactly. You get to swear at volunteers sometimes. The teams. There isn't anybody who's willing to just like do the driving. And so the runners have to drive. And Becca was saying they can almost kind of get dangerous because everyone is so insanely sleep deprived now. Believe it or not, I have now in one of my. And I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, Andrew, you know this more than anyone in one of maybe my greatest life mistakes. I let slip to Becca the other day that I might consider running this thing next year.

[Andrew]

Oh well, was.

[Luke Burbank]

That was a real lapse in judgment.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Because she's already now kind of like following back up. I was texting with television's Chris Hayes and he was saying how he was worried for Becca running in that 102 degree heat. And I told her, I said hey, Chris was concerned about you as well. And she goes, did you tell him that you're running it next year? I was like, this is how it starts.

[Andrew]

This is how it's, it went from hey, just a random thought that you said out loud to you're locked in. In.

[Luke Burbank]

I may be locked in, but the thing is I actually think my superpower on this is not my running, but it is that I can friggin sleep anywhere. You give me my AirPods and a white, and a white noise app on my phone and I am, I'm, I'm, I'm gone. I'm, I'm dead to the world. So like I don't, I don't even know if I could do all the running, but I know I could do all the sleeping. And that's the thing. People are not getting enough sleep. I feel like I would by the fact that I would be relatively well rested. I might actually, actually kind of. That might help me.

[Andrew]

I have another, another name for a team. How about Fast Times near Lincoln High? I'm looking at Portland schools so it's Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but there's no.

[Luke Burbank]

That would be good.

[Andrew]

There's no Ridgemont though in Portland. And so I'm trying to figure out what schools go by here. Fast Times. We, I mean we could go Fast Times at Beaverton Academy of Sciences, but that doesn't really flow as well.

[Luke Burbank]

You know, the team that Becca was on last year was, had a pretty good name too, which was Electrolyte Orchestra.

[Andrew]

Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's actually one of my favorites that you said so far. Yes, actually. Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Let's see. Jogging to Conclusions.

[Andrew]

I like that one. Yeah, these are actually getting better.

[Luke Burbank]

That's actually pretty good. That's Jogging to conclusions. Finished 109th in the men's submasters. I don't know what submasters means, but it sounds racy.

[Andrew]

Well, way higher than that in my book. As far as name, I should. We should re rank these by name. Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Okay. I'll go through them this afternoon and I'll get you a full list tomorrow.

[Andrew]

Thank you.

[Luke Burbank]

All right. Hey, thank you, everyone, for listening. That's gonna do it for today's show, but we're gonna be back here tomorrow with more imaginary radio, so please join us for that in the meantime. Meantime, have a great Tuesday. Take care of yourselves. Go Mariners. And please remember, no mountain too tall.

[Andrew]

And good luck to all.

[Luke Burbank]

God damn it.

[Andrew]

Honeydew. Jesus. Why does cantaloupe think every time it gets invited to a party it can bring along its dumb friend? Honeydew?

[Luke Burbank]

You don't get a plus one.

[Andrew]

Cantaloupe, power out.