#4705 This Is Not The Fifty Pounds You're Looking For

Summary

TBTL #4705: “This Is Not The Fifty Pounds You're Looking For”

Date: April 14, 2026
Hosts: Luke Burbank & Andrew Walsh
Length: ~77 minutes

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Episode Overview

In today’s episode, Luke and Andrew joyfully meander through topics ranging from the perils of impulsive Amazon purchases and challenging return policies, to the significance of towels and the complexities of Albanian-American identity. As ever, their blend of tangents, listener interactions, and pop culture references keeps the proceedings warmly off-kilter. Devotees will especially appreciate Andrew’s battle with household logistics post-Amazon, listener Mark’s expert explainer on airport codes, and some memorable digs at the headaches caused by both corporations and bureaucracy.

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Key Topics & Highlights

1. Baby Presidents and Morning Banter

[00:00 – 03:02]

• Andrew opens with a surreal riff on how “babies are drawn to me… maybe they see me as one of them, but cooler,” and jokes about a screenplay where a baby is president.
• Luke sets the tone: “the show that just might be too beautiful to live,” with playful drops and goofs about the unpredictable NW weather and lack of real climate control.

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2. On-the-Fly Celebrity Birthday Roundup

[03:02 – 12:58]

• Andrew suggests a spontaneous “celebrity birthday roundup,” evoking nostalgic radio energy.
• They name-drop:
  • Abraham Ortelius, Flemish cartographer ([04:31])
  • Loretta Lynn ([04:44])
  • Robert Carlyle (Trainspotting, The Full Monty) ([05:24])
  • David Justice, former Atlanta Brave & Halle Berry’s ex ([05:48–06:07])
  • Adrian Brody and the infamous Oscar kiss ([08:34–08:41])
  • Sarah Michelle Gellar and her marriage to Freddie Prinze Jr. ([08:54–09:25])
  • Baker Mayfield, football player & Heisman winner—Andrew’s “boy” ([09:25–12:03])

Notable Quote:

“If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, no war, no government, and things could get terrible. It probably would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.”
—Andrew Walsh, [00:22]

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3. Changing Attitudes Toward NFL Quarterbacks

[09:54 – 12:58]

• Luke discusses how the narrative around quarterbacks has shifted; now, a different system or environment can revive a “bust’s” career.
• Examples: Baker Mayfield, Sam Darnold, Geno Smith.
• Andrew credits Baker with ending Cleveland’s playoff drought.

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4. “Blursdays” Segment—History and Listener Feedback

[13:12 – 14:13]

• The history and evolution of TBTL’s birthday “Blursday” shoutouts: mixed early feedback, but now a fun, brisk segment.

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5. Luke’s Amazon Return Ordeal (“My Comeuppance”)

[14:16 – 34:41]

• [14:16 – 16:08] Luke laments not matching enough dinnerware for Easter, impulsively ordering plates & bowls on Amazon to arrive by 4am.
  • Plates arrive mid-meal, so he decides to return them.
• [17:07 – 30:50]: The return process is a comedy of errors:
  • Luke’s faulty return label at UPS ($3 reprint for the wrong carrier: FedEx).
  • Shlepping the heavy box to Walgreens, only to find they won’t even tape on his shipping label.
  • Luke buys Scotch tape (reflecting amusedly on his anger and the necessity of scotch vs packing tape).
  • A surreal aside: the mysterious “my wife” photo pickup guy.
  • Memorable quote: “If you put a gun to my head, I couldn’t tell you what 50 pounds feels like... I was Obi-Wan Kenobi-ing that box.” ([30:18])
  • Returns finally accepted when the box clocks in at 35 pounds: “This is not the 50 pounds you’re looking for.”
• [30:58 – 34:41]: Guilt and social pressure regarding returns and waste, spurred by a “thoughtful, low-carbon-footprint” in-law. Reflective pledges to shop more intentionally going forward.

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6. Andrew’s Shopping “Quad Play” (Life Without Amazon)

[34:41 – 48:07]

• [38:00]: Andrew details the headaches since quitting Amazon—the difficulty of sourcing basic home goods, shower curtains, towels, etc.
• Misses Bed Bath & Beyond; dislikes Costco’s chaotic experience.
• Discovery: HomeGoods is a winner for many essentials; details an efficient quadruple errand to restaurant supply, pet store, HomeGoods, and Sprouts.
• Notable quote:

  “I haven’t had a good shopping win in a while. And I was screaming in the parking lot—I really needed this win.” ([48:11])

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7. Dazzling Donor Messages

[48:33 – 55:41]

• Listener Tracy Phillips (Des Moines, WA): Appreciates TBTL’s niche chaos—“two grown men spiraling gently into chaos about listener emails.”
• Request for the “Calgary Flames” drop (Nick Kroll Show).
• Listener Amy Lake (Eugene, OR): TBTL is her “relief from chaos in the world,” likened to friends chatting around a dining table.

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8. Top Story – Eric Adams, Albania, and Wiki Fame

[55:44 – 69:47]

• Luke covers Eric Adams (former NYC mayor) being granted Albanian citizenship.
• Adams’ “odd obsession” with Albania discussed—and its implications for Luke’s own standing as a “famous Albanian-American” (alongside Jim and John Belushi, Eliza Dushku, and… Martin Shkreli).
  • “Do you think I can make the Wikipedia page?” Luke muses.
• Amusing read-through of the “Albanian-Americans” Wikipedia list, with the dubious “others” category:

  “Mobster, terrorist, mobster, convicted terrorist, mobster, former mobster/youth motivational speaker...”
  —John Moe [64:17]

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9. Tangent: Genetics, Nationality, and Genealogy

[69:01 – 69:47]

• Luke and Andrew puzzle over whether genetic tests can show someone as “Albanian” or “Polish” given the distinction between nationality and genetics.

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10. Email & Voicemail: Airport Codes Explainer

[70:13 – 76:30]

• Listener Mark (the pilot) delivers a delightful, expert breakdown about airport code branding (SEA, ATL, PDX, LAX), and incorrect usages (ATX for Austin, DIA for Denver).
• Luke & Andrew, live, try to decode PHL (Philadelphia) and SAN (San Diego) ([75:08]).
• Mark’s sign-off:

  “I’m at PHL and I gotta get to SAN. Power out.” ([74:43])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Andrew on Amazon’s convenience ([15:55]):

  “I could have done the normal person thing and bought these things, instead I summoned them to me like a Flemish cartographer.”

• Luke on the Walgreens tape saga ([24:30]):

  “It was good that the tape was on aisle 11 because it gave me some time to reflect.”

• Andrew’s quad-play shopping win ([47:48]):

  “HomeGoods was that one missing piece of the puzzle... I was so psyched, I haven’t had a good shopping win in a while.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00 — Cold open, baby president riff
• 03:02 — Celebrity Birthday Roundup
• 09:54 — Changing perceptions of NFL quarterbacks
• 13:12 — Blursday history & listener reactions
• 14:16 — Luke’s Amazon/Easter dinnerware fiasco and return odyssey
• 34:41 — Andrew’s post-Amazon homegoods struggles
• 48:33 — Dazzling Donors & appreciations
• 55:44 — Top Story: Eric Adams, Albanian citizenship, and Wikipedia fame
• 69:01 — Genealogy & genetics discussion
• 70:13 — Email: Airport codes explainer from Mark the Pilot

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Tone & Style

• Warm, meandering, and irreverent.
• Frequent riffing, playful cracks at their own expense, and genuine camaraderie.
• The conversation gently “spirals into chaos,” but in a comforting, relatable way—showcasing the hosts’ “niche opinions and absolutely no intention of staying on topic.”

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For New and Regular Listeners

• Episode offers the quintessential TBTL experience: everyday absurdities, self-deprecating tales, listener engagement, and inside-joke continuity.
• Longtime fans will recognize recurring themes (Blursdays, Luke’s obsession with nationality, struggles with shopping/returns).
• Even without prior context, the episode is a welcome, humorous break from the “chaos of the world.”

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End Summary

Transcript

[Andrew Walsh]

I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me, it feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them, but cooler and with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war, there would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually probably would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.

[John Moe]

TBTL.

[Luke Burbank]

Jumpman. Jumpman. Them boys up to something? Uh, I think I need some Robitussin. Targets. Targets.

[John Moe]

I'd tell you to get this through your head, but you're a machine, so run this through through your data processor.

[Luke Burbank]

Get lost.

[John Moe]

What'd you say? I didn't say anything.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, totally. No, I hear that. If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times, I love you.

[John Moe]

Things are going to start happening to me now.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, all right. Hello, good morning and welcome, everyone, to a Tuesday edition of tbtl, the show that just might be too beautiful to live.

[John Moe]

They are goofy, they are friendly.

[Luke Burbank]

They are really, really good. That's all you need. My name's Luke Burbank. I'm your host.

[John Moe]

You're about to see some serious voices

[Luke Burbank]

coming to you from the Madrona Hill studio, perched high above the mighty Columbia, where it's a weirdly cold day there. There's a very slight chance of snow this week here in this part of the Pacific Northwest, which feels odd considering that it was also 75 degrees the other day. But as we like to say, it is. Well, I am going to say it's climate controlled here inside the Madrona Hill studio, but it's kind of not, because since it got warm, I put away my space heater that I keep near my feet. So I don't know if we can control the climate here. We can tell you that we've arrived at episode 4705 in a collector's series. Let the fun begin. Former mayor of New York City Eric Adams appears to be trying to horn in on my action in terms of being one of the more famous people from the nation of Albania. How dare you. We'll look into that and also try to figure out what their main export is. Also, the CEO of McDonald's has now shot a new video where he proves once and for all that he can eat food normally from McDonald's. He's eating Chicken McNuggets. These are the best Cajun chicken Niblets I've ever had. I remain unconvinced. So we'll talk about that and we'll talk to this guy. He's the longest running cobra of the show, maybe best known for his depictions of the tall ship. Speaking of, this ship doesn't go anywhere except in circles. He's Andrew Walsh and he's joining me right now. Good morning, my friend.

[John Moe]

Good morning, Luke. Would you be at all interested in starting today's show with a little, like, on the fly celebrity birthday roundup? I haven't thought this all the way through. I was just thinking before the show, like, literally moments ago, that that is like a staple of old school morning radio that I always love. And I know it was always like, the easiest thing. Like, before the Internet. I'm sure radio producers at commercial radio stations would just get a list. They'd probably sign up and pay for some service that would give them a birthday list or whatever.

[Luke Burbank]

Now it's all. I promise you it was a fax at some point and that seemed type.

[John Moe]

Absolutely, absolutely.

[Luke Burbank]

And it eventually became an email.

[John Moe]

It. I think Kevin and Bean used to do it, you know, in that. And that show. I don't think, you know, kind of wrapped things up until well into the mid 2000 teens. Right. It's just like a. I don't know. It always felt comforting to me. So I am going to.

[Luke Burbank]

I have a. I've got some music here.

[John Moe]

Do you guys. Okay, good. Yeah, no, I mean, all I had, I'd rip dip, dip, dip. But maybe you have something that's a little bit smoother than that. Yes, yes, yes, yes. This is the. God damn it. You get it? You get it. This is the mood. Yes. Let's start with Abraham Ortelius, Flemish cartographer and dealer in maps, books, antiquities, born on this day in 1527. Lou. Happy birthday. Happy birthday.

[Luke Burbank]

This is why you probably one of my number one Flemish cartographers.

[John Moe]

I do not want to have that debate with you again. Like, I sort of feel like I just want to kind of have some.

[Luke Burbank]

Let's go back to talking about pee pee and poo poo from your doggy.

[John Moe]

Yes, exactly. Loretta Lynn was born on this day in some year. Here it is. She was born in 1932. I had seen it earlier on the list, so I was doing that one off the top of the dome.

[Luke Burbank]

Is the Flemish cartographer still alive?

[John Moe]

Is or a was? He is. Or is he a was? Oh, you know what I hate to

[Luke Burbank]

say because I don't want to make that mistake again.

[John Moe]

No, I understand, I understand. It looks like he did pass away, unfortunately in 1598. Luke. But had a relatively long life, it looks like. So that's fun. Let's see here we have Robert Carlisle. He's a Scottish actor. Do you know what he was in? Do you know what he's famous for?

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah. Train spotting.

[John Moe]

Exactly. And apparently the Full Monty he was born in. Oh, yes. He was in the Full Montgomery on this.

[Luke Burbank]

I don't know if I understood one word. Yeah. From train spotting. But I sure love.

[John Moe]

Yeah. Well, speaking of pee pee poo poo. I understood what happened in one scene.

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, boy. I can't get that out of my head.

[John Moe]

I know, I know. What about David Justice?

[Luke Burbank]

David justice, longtime Atlanta Brave.

[John Moe]

Exactly. 1966. I want to say David Justice, Halle Berry.

[Luke Burbank]

Halle Berry, dater. Which I wasn't. If I was one. If I wasn't jealous enough of David Justice.

[John Moe]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

That he was dating the fabulous Halle Berry. I was quite impressed.

[John Moe]

Is Halle Berry in one of those long term Hollywood relationships? I don't think so. She's not like a Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal situation. I have Sarsgaard on the brain, by the way. I'm gonna see my doctor about it later in the week, but, yeah, they

[Luke Burbank]

have medicine for that.

[John Moe]

How far into. And I've only gone three episodes so far, but I'm perfect. Purposely kind of spreading them out and trying to watch as slowly as possible because there's only seven episodes of DTF St. Louis. How far did you get in?

[Luke Burbank]

You know, I got distracted with other stuff, so I think I'm still. I had watched maybe two because that's what was available. And so now, I mean, I'm fully charged. You know, I've probably got. How many episodes are out now is all of them.

[John Moe]

I think the seventh one just dropped, I want to say on Sunday or yesterday. So I only have four more to go. And I'm loving it so much. Episode three is where they introduce a Sarsgaard Luke. And it's a great character.

[Luke Burbank]

If you introduce a SARS guard in the third episode, he better go off

[John Moe]

by the seventh, by the way. And I don't think I have the bandwidth, especially right now, to do this, but I want to make you a little bit. I'm going to make you a little bit of jealous here, possibly. Genevieve has been bugging me about doing a DTF recap podcast, and she had watched half of the first episode and then had given up and decided it wasn't for her, but then my renewed interest in it. And I think this is. I don't know if this speaks well or ill, but, like, when she found out it was a Steven Conrad thing, that sort of helped put everything in place for her a little bit, and she trusted it more. And she's like, oh, okay.

[Luke Burbank]

I think that's a huge, huge good thing. And that's kind of what would. Because there was a couple of moments in the first episode where I was unsure, but then I was like, I'm in Steven. I'm in the. The safety of Steven Conrad's embrace.

[John Moe]

Yes, exactly. And boy, episode three, for me, it really. It's like. Is it. I don't know if I'm using this right, but the. The. The show has a little bit of a Rochambeau quality to it, I think, because, like, episode three, you really start to get to know the characters on a. Especially one of them. On a slightly deeper level, I think

[Luke Burbank]

you might be thinking Rashomon.

[John Moe]

Rashomon. What's Roshambeau? Oh, that's.

[Luke Burbank]

That's rock, paper, scissors.

[John Moe]

Speaking of, I thank you for the correction there. That would have lived in my head. Speaking of Steven Conrad, though, Rochambeau plays a big role in Patriot. Yeah. Adrian Brody, 53 years young, born on this day in 1973. Of course, you know him from the famous.

[Luke Burbank]

And also famously kissed Halle Berry on stage at the Oscars in a move that I think nowadays we would say was not cool.

[John Moe]

Do you have a Halle Berry connection for all of these? This has become a new game.

[Luke Burbank]

I love this. Till I get to the Flemish cartographer, I'm gonna be honest with you. That was the toughest one.

[John Moe]

Sarah Michelle Geller, 49 years young. Buffy, again, 19.

[Luke Burbank]

Now she's in a very, very long and successful partnership marriage with Freddie Prinze Jr. Really, which is adorable because they were both like, in their. You know, in their. In their twenties. They were both just like huge young stars in the world. Very sought after, adorable people who, you know, fell in love and they've stayed together all these years later, which is. Just. Warms my heart.

[John Moe]

We are going to end it here, Luke. And I'm telling you, I did not realize this. I'm getting near the end of the list. I'm getting to the people who were born in the late 90s. And so that's where the list. In 1995, Luke, on this day in 1995, while I'm in class, my senior year of high school, a baby was born, and his parents named him Baker Mayfield, American football quarterback.

[Luke Burbank]

So you could shout out your boy.

[John Moe]

I am. I am delightfully learning this along with you. Heisman trophy winner in 2017. University of Oklahoma. 2018, NFL draft number one pick by the Cleveland Browns, and I believe currently playing still for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, he's a buck, right? Yeah. Was real good last year for stretches. Yeah, that team fell apart a little bit, but I don't know if that was necessarily Baker's fault. I feel like Baker Mayfield also kind of ushered in this notion of NFL quarterbacks did not have to be defined by their first few years. And not that he was even a huge flop in Cleveland. He just had no protection. He was getting hurt all the time and stuff. I don't need to tell you this.

[John Moe]

Yeah. And also. And I'll just say that, like, in my. You know, in real life, but also in my memory and in my heart, he is. He did great in Cleveland because he broke the playoff drought. He broke the losing streak when he went in there. He did great things from Cleveland. He was just treated badly by Cleveland.

[Luke Burbank]

I would say maybe that was it. I guess I just thought of him as being kind of a. A mixed bag or maybe not living up to the, you know, number one overall pick, Heisman Trophy winning kind of height.

[John Moe]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

But then he goes somewhere else, and he plays really well, and he's just kind of become this very solid quarterback, which I guess this. This may have to do with me over overestimating what sort of flop he was, because you're right, he wasn't a flop. But I just feel like you had Baker Mayfield, who turned out to be really good. Of course, we got our boy, Sam Darnold. Before that, we had Geno Smith, which was also kind of that story. I just feel like when I was a kid, it was like, you. You had good quarterbacks and bad quarterbacks. And oftentimes the bad quarterbacks were guys that were picked very high in the draft because they were picked by a team that had lost a lot of games the previous season. They ran the quarterback out with no protection. They broke him. And then that person just. Just sort of was. Was cursed to just, like, sail through the league like a ghost frigate in different backup jobs with the story always being. Yeah, they were kind of a. You know, they were a flop. And that. Now I see. I feel like that's not really how we think about quarterbacks. It's like, if they're in a good system, they can be pretty good.

[John Moe]

And I think you're thinking of, like, the Johnny Manzels. Right. If I can go back to Cleveland. Right. There you go.

[Luke Burbank]

That's a perfect example.

[John Moe]

Would Tebow be an example? That was a little bit before my football.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, the thing about Tebow was it was always up for a debate. If he even was a quarterback, he was sort of a fullback or a tight end. There's a guy that was named jamarcus Russell who went to the Raiders. Overall LSU number one pick, I think.

[Andrew Walsh]

Who.

[Luke Burbank]

Horrible. That might have just been jamarcus Russell, too. I don't know. But. But, yeah, No, I, I, I have a lot of fondness for Baker Mayfield, but I think it's mostly because of your fondness for Baker Mayfield. Like, I have a, you know, by association, I'm. I'm rooting for him.

[John Moe]

Well, happy birthday to all of our celebrity birthday havers today. Luke, I'm not joking. I. That was seriously not planned out. I just googled it as you were introducing me, and I feel invigorated. I came in a little bit sleepy today. I hadn't had any coffee, and I am. I am ready to go. I'm ready to hand the reins over to you. I will follow you anywhere now.

[Luke Burbank]

Love this energy. We can do it anytime that the spirit moves you. The irony is how fun that was for you. And let's just say there are moments when you find certain aspects of the Blurs days challenging.

[John Moe]

It's like, I'm on board with the Blurs Mayfield's birthday.

[Luke Burbank]

No, no, you are. You are. I don't want people to feel like

[John Moe]

you don't like History of the Blurs days was. I wanted to bring them back because I remembered you guys had done that, right? The old crew had done that. You and Jen and Sean had done some sort of birthdays or. Jen was super against it. So you didn't do it. And I said, we can make.

[Luke Burbank]

Maybe that was it.

[John Moe]

And then what happened was listeners hated it. Like, the feedback we got when we first started doing it was. It was either absolute hatred for the segment or, Will you read my Blurs day? It was like sort of nothing in between. And sometimes I think those were the same people, if I'm being honest with you. So that really got in my head. So I was always apologizing for it. It. I think. I think that was it. And I don't know. I like them now. And I think that it's. It's a fun thing that people look forward to, and I think that we've come up with a pretty good system of keeping them they clip along relatively quickly now. I think so, anyway. But you're right to hear a story

[Luke Burbank]

of my comeuppance, of me receiving my comeuppance.

[John Moe]

Oh, please. Yes, of course.

[Luke Burbank]

I know this.

[John Moe]

Is there anything better?

[Luke Burbank]

I can't. I mean, for. For you and the listeners. I can't think of anything that's more satisfying. I am. I'm impressed by your and Genevieve's decision to cut the cord with Amazon. And I. I wish that I were disciplined enough to do that. And I don't know, maybe I will just do it now. This was a big. There was a big hassle in my life yesterday that involved my reliance on Amazon. So what happened was we were having Becca's family over for Easter, and I realized I didn't have enough, like, plates and things. I mean, I had plates, but they were kind of mismatched. So I had some, like, you know, nice dinner plates that you would use, but I didn't have, like, 11 of those. So then I was gonna have to use these ones that are for outside, that are kind of. They're. I don't know how to describe them. They're just, like, outdoor. They're not. They're not, like, you know, disposable or anything, but they don't match the other ones. And I wanted it to be nice and kind of upscale. So I went on Amazon, like, Saturday night and bought two additional sets of dishes that was going to give us enough plates and bowls. Also, we needed more bowls. And the plates that I had already that were, like, ceramic were black. So I was buying some black ones that would, like, match pretty closely. And I mean, the thing is of this is I could have just used the other plates. You know what I mean? Like, it just could have been a little less fancy. Nobody would have been bothered by this. This gets into my own, like, insecurities around wanting people to feel a certain way about me and my house, I guess. But it also felt like the ultimate, just sort of like 20, 26 consumerism. Like, I need some plates and bowls, and guess what? Amazon will have them at my house by 4 in the morning. These. Somehow these plates and bowls will be at my house in. Within eight hours. Are they being forged right now down the street in Longview? Like, I don't even know how this works, but, okay, sign me up.

[John Moe]

The children's handprints will still be warm on the plates, still be wet. Yes.

[Luke Burbank]

And. And, like, so I hit buy. And then what do you think happens? The plates and bowls, the whole thing does not show up until we are midway through dinner.

[John Moe]

Oh, and so you, you probably said this, but I didn't catch the detail. You had bought it pretty much at the last minute. It was like it was the day

[Luke Burbank]

before, beyond the last minute. Now here was the thing we could have. We had a plan to go into town and I was going to say we'll go buy, you know, like Target or something. I know we're not supposed to go to Target either, but whatever. I was like, we'll go into town and we'll buy some more plates at a brick and mortar. But then I was like, I could also just order these on Amazon and then someone will drive them here and then they'll be here. They were allegedly going to be here at 4 in the morning, well before people were showing up. And then I won't have to go into town and deal with that. So I'm just going to do this. So that's why I was even more lazy because I, I could have, I could have done like a normal person thing and went and bought these things. Instead, I summoned them to me like a Danish, like a Flemish cartographer.

[John Moe]

Yes.

[Luke Burbank]

You know, you drew yourself a little finest plate. Yes, yes, exactly. And so anyway, the thing was, they didn't show up at 4 in the morning. They didn't show up at 11 in the morning. They didn't show up until about 4pm when we were eating. So at that point I'd already figured something out, which was to just use the other plates that were mismatched and it was totally fine. So now I've got this box that I haven't opened that's got. It's pretty heavy actually. And it's got two sets of, two matching sets of plates and bowls. I don't know if there, I don't know if there were cups in there. But anyway, I'm like, well, I'm gonna send this back now. Which also feels crappy because the carbon footprint of all of that is just so unnecessary. And so I print out the return label and I carry this very heavy box to the car, drive it down to town the other day and I go to the UPS store and, and it's a whole situation because the box is like kind of so heavy I sort of can't hold, carry it and open the door of the UPS store at the same time. And there's always a line because everyone's always returning stuff because we're all buying everything from Amazon. So I get in there. This is the place. As I've mentioned many Times where occasionally they're also doing notary services.

[John Moe]

Say, yeah, if I could have just gotten in before you. If I had known.

[Luke Burbank]

I'm just holding. If I'm holding a hundred pound box

[John Moe]

and I'm in there with my. I need to renew my vows, or for some reason, you're changing.

[Luke Burbank]

You're legally changing Lucy's name.

[John Moe]

Yes, exactly.

[Luke Burbank]

So I. So I. I'm like, try to open the door. And I got this heavy thing. And then I. I'm now. And there's like a line, a long line. So I go, and I take this heavy box and I like, place it on, actually the place where people do the notary stuff. There's like a. I don't know what you'd call it. An island in the middle of this store. Because there was no way I was gonna be able to hold this thing the whole time. So I just put it there and I'm standing, and then this guy is walking out of the store who works there, and he goes, oh.

[John Moe]

He goes, you're.

[Luke Burbank]

He just sees that I'm holding this label that I print out. He goes, that's not gonna work. You didn't print the whole label. And I was like, what? And I like, look down, and he's like, yeah, that part's missing. He goes, we can reprint it for you. It's $3. And I was like, okay. Like, I'm kind of bummed because I printed it out at my house. You know me, I love me a printer.

[John Moe]

But. But it actually is one of those things where it just sort of wasn't actually aligned. Right. It kind of like printed off the page, sort of. You were missing the.

[Luke Burbank]

There was something weird with the formatting. And I should have known this because what happened was. Yeah, long story longer. I basically printed it. There was something funky going on with it. And when I printed it, it didn't do it correctly. And it left off part of the information that it needed, some string of numbers or whatever. And then.

[John Moe]

Where did they clock that? Walking by you. That's what I sort of surprised about. What was this? I know you're probably trying to get through a story that you already feel is maybe too long. And I'm just going. Keep on drilling down on the tiny details. I was wondering what your reaction was to this guy. Sort of like seeing you holding that you weren't asking for help, but then he's kind of interjecting. Was the attitude sort of very helpful or did it seem a little brusque? Like, that's not going to work wasn't rude.

[Luke Burbank]

He wasn't rude. But the thing that. What I had a hard time separating was whether the information he was giving me was annoying or I was annoyed to learn it was going to be $3 to print this thing out.

[John Moe]

Mm.

[Luke Burbank]

So then I was like. So I. So he goes on his smoke break or whatever, and then I get up to the front, and then the person prints the label for me. Prints out the thing. And when we see the full label, what it says is FedEx. And they don't do FedEx at this place.

[John Moe]

This is the UPS store.

[Luke Burbank]

This is the UPS store. So now I have a $3 printout that tells me I can't. This. They don't take this here.

[John Moe]

Could you say, I don't want your printout, sir? I've changed my mind.

[Luke Burbank]

I need. Well, the thing was, they said you can go to the Walgreens where they ship this kind of stuff. So I had the print. I was like, okay.

[John Moe]

So I just sort of mean. Yeah, I guess you still needed the printout anyway for $3, and you don't want to screw them over. But yeah, that's.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, yeah, that's. I'm in that place about two times a week. I gotta. That's where I get most of my notarizing done. I gotta stay on good terms. My notarizing and my Martinizing, which I feel like that's really fallen out of fashion. Have we stopped trying to upsell people on the Martinizing in this day and age?

[John Moe]

Upholstery. What is Martinizing?

[Luke Burbank]

Dry cleaning.

[John Moe]

Oh, okay.

[Luke Burbank]

Or maybe it's upholstery. Maybe it's a. I. I just know that when I was a kid, every dry cleaning place also seemed to offer Martinizing services. And I feel like it must have been some sort of, like, stain proofing maybe of upholstery. But you could. But they had the chemicals at the. At the dry cleaners.

[John Moe]

I'm seeing, like. I think I'm spelling it. Oh, yeah, I am. Okay.

[Luke Burbank]

I was gonna say say Martinizing.

[John Moe]

It looks like. Okay, so making something more like actor, comedian, Martin Star.

[Luke Burbank]

Yes. That's birthday is next Thursday. Cannot wait for that.

[John Moe]

Spoil it. Martin Isaac. I spelled it wrong, which is why I was confused there. Martinizing is a dry cleaning franchise. Oh, wait, that's a franchise. It's the name of a dry cleaning company here. But what is the process?

[Luke Burbank]

So maybe that was just the name. That's so interesting. So Martinizing was just a chain of dry cleaners that were in the Pacific Northwest. Or I mean, had made it. It looks like they started out in Florida, but they must have made it to the Pacific Northwest. And when I saw that, I think I thought it was a process. It was just a name. Which would explain also why you don't see it so much, because if they've moved out of town or whatever, that's. That's, you know, Andrew, this is why you play the game.

[John Moe]

But it does sound like they developed a system. And maybe it's not called that anymore because maybe it was, you know, you know, copyrighted or something like that. But it does sound like. And again, I'm sorry to use the AI overview here, but it says Martinizing revolutionized dry cleaning by introducing safe on premise one hour service using non flammable solvent. So it sounds like it really sped up the process and everything.

[Luke Burbank]

Right, okay, well, that would explain why I would see that word so much when I was a kid.

[John Moe]

But.

[Luke Burbank]

So I carry my heavy giant box and now my printout out the door. I think someone is nice enough to hold the door for me. Thank you. Get it back in my car. And now, like, I've got other stuff going on. I. I just didn't feel like driving across town to the Walgreens to do this. So I was like, I'm just gonna, like, put this in the back of my car and I'm gonna deal with this later. Later ended up being yesterday, Andrew. So I'm in town and I'm kind of near this Walgreens. I know they have like a, like, little FedEx desk in the back kind of a thing. And so I drive on over there and I've got my printout, and I grab my very heavy box, carry it into the Walgreens, get to the back corner and place it on the thing. And the woman says, she looks at me and she goes, we're not allowed to do any packing. And I was like, yeah, I know. This is still in the original. I literally never even opened the box. We still got the tape on it. She goes, well, no, that includes taping. We can't tape anything. And I go, what do you mean? She goes, well, you have that printout, but it. It's not taped to the box.

[John Moe]

No way they're gonna make you buy tape.

[Luke Burbank]

And I'm looking at her and right behind her, yeah, a big thing of scotch tape and a thing of packing tape.

[John Moe]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

And she says, and I go, so, like that, a Scotch tape. She goes, we're not allowed to tape anything. I go, what aisle is the tape on? She's like, aisle 11. So I walk, and I'm so mad at this woman. But it was good that the tape was on aisle 11 because it gave me some time to reflect.

[John Moe]

Yeah, you needed.

[Luke Burbank]

This woman works at Walgreens. She. By the way, she wasn't mean about it. She also wasn't leaving the door open for me to get some of that sweet, sweet tape from behind her. Like, this was something she has to tell people every day. This must be the worst part of her job. And so, like, luckily, by the time I got to the tape and then got back to her, I was like. I was more amused at the whole situation than, like. Than, like, furious. Also, here's what I told myself. I didn't buy packing tape because I have packing tape here. Because I've run into stuff like this before. I thought I actually might need some Scotch tape. Like, you know, you can always use some Scotch tape around the house. So I really tried to kind of, like, think about it as, like, I went to the store to buy some Scotch tape, and. And. And I'm also going to use it on this thing that I'm mailing out. So got the Scotch tape, and I went back. I did say to her in a nice way. I was like, you realize the absurdity of this situation that you have that Scotch tape right behind it. She's like, yeah, that's. We can't tape anything. I was like, yeah, okay. So I. I taped down the. Also while I'm doing this. This is also, like, the photo mattress of the Walgreens, you know, where you can get your pictures developed. And this guy, as I'm taping the label on this guy shows up. He's a little younger than me. Well, everyone's a little younger than me now, but he's probably in his 30s.

[John Moe]

In his 30s. Late 30s.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, exactly. He wrote in on a Big Wheel. I think he was 44. All right, so he's like, I'm picking up some photos, and he gives a woman's name, presumably his wife. And. And the. The clerk goes and gets the little folder or whatever that. The envelope, and gives it to him. And I'm Again, I'm taping down now my little label. And. And he just, like, opens the folder, and he just looks at it, and he goes, my wife. And then he just closes it and walks out. And I'll never know what the photos were. I'll never know what was going on with the photos.

[John Moe]

No, it could be. I know the photos could have looked bad. They could have like, you know, if they're film. Well, let's. This wouldn't have been actually probably, like, film. This would have been probably digital prints, right?

[Luke Burbank]

I. I assume so. I. It was under her name. So here's what I don't think it was. For a second, I was like, maybe this was. Maybe these were the photos that the private eye took of his wife and her and her guy or something.

[John Moe]

She have him pick him up.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, that's what. That's why I'm. That's why I'm. I'm canceling that theory because it was under her name. But he just looked. And he seemed genuinely annoyed about the.

[John Moe]

Oh, I thought it was. I had that more as a. Like a shake your head, like, kind of like, what am I gonna do with this lady?

[Luke Burbank]

No, it wasn't like that. It was like more like something in the photos was annoying him. Oh, and. But we never saw the photos.

[John Moe]

Oh, I wish you had said, what's wrong? I know you couldn't.

[Luke Burbank]

I was in the middle of a thing. I was buying $6 worth of scotch tape.

[John Moe]

Can I say, so far, the most shocking part of this story is that you were taping this label down with Scotch tape. I would have. I didn't.

[Luke Burbank]

I didn't want to buy packing tape because I have a bunch of packing tape.

[John Moe]

I just told you my.

[Luke Burbank]

The way that piece with this is I actually need Scotch.

[John Moe]

Yeah, no, I did hear you say that. I don't think I picked up on the fact that you're over indexed on packing tape at home.

[Luke Burbank]

I am. Again, literally, like, the fact that I have plenty of packing tape. I just didn't have it with me. Buying that would have made me more angry than the Scotch tape. There's. In fact, there was a particular thing I needed the scotch tape for, which is my shrine that I've built the Mariners. My baseball shrine, which is the fairy. The fairy. You know, French fry container that was all the rage on day one. AT T Mobile Park. A baseball signed by Jorge Polanco from our friend the Stubbot. And a photograph of my beautiful niece Gemma, wearing a Mariner's uniform. And I have that placed in the boat. This is all up, like, next to where my TV is and shall remain there throughout the season. But the thing is, the picture of Gemma sometimes kind of falls down because. And I needed to tape it to the wall with some scotch tape. So I literally was. This is why I wasn't furious with the woman, because I thought of this as being something that's going to allow me to fix this picture of my beautiful niece, Gemma. Okay, so, like, that. That took the edge off. But if I would have been buying packing tape, I would have continued to burn in my rage, because I don't need more packing.

[John Moe]

Okay, I follow that.

[Luke Burbank]

But you're right.

[John Moe]

Did it feel weird, though, using Scotch tape? Yeah, it did.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah. And I wanted to say to the guy who was muttering into his envelope of photos, I understand this isn't the right tape for this, but there's a much longer story behind this, sir. You know, like, I'm not. I don't think, like, I get it that this is weird, and I'm using a lot of Scotch tape to do this. I also did the Pee Wee Herman thing where I was taping my nose.

[John Moe]

I was. You know what I was going to

[Luke Burbank]

say to keep it fun?

[John Moe]

If I were the woman who wouldn't give you any tape while you're taping this box up, I would have been behind the counter just pulling off long strands of tape, like, taping my nose up, just creating tape balls and then throwing them into the garbage can across the room. I would just been wasting so much tape right in front of you.

[Luke Burbank]

I would have actually had to tip my cap to that. That would have been a pretty. A pretty sweet bird. But, you know, I just was. By the end of it, I was also very glad that I hadn't, like, blown my top, because it did feel like everywhere I went, somehow it was going to cost me more money for this return to happen, whether it was for the printing of the label, whether it was for the buying of the tape. But, like, when I taped this all down and I. And I left, oh, there was a whole other run in, which was like. She said, well, how heavy is it? And I go, it's pretty heavy. I go, I can help carry it back there because, well, there's a weight limit on what we're allowed to ship. And I was like, oh, God. She goes, it's 50 pounds. And I go, this is. I go, this has got to be less than £50. Andrew. If you put a gun to my head, I couldn't tell you what £50 feels like. I was just. I was just. I was free jazzing at this point. I was just like, whatever. She could have told me that the weight limit was eight pounds, and I'd be like, this is seven and a half.

[John Moe]

You're just, like, trying to Obi Wan Kenobi.

[Luke Burbank]

I am. So.

[John Moe]

You're like, this is not the Nazi

[Luke Burbank]

pounds you're looking For I am like, if I have to carry this flipping box out of here with my scotch tape and my printout, I am. I am going to lose it. And I was like, no, it's definitely not. It's definitely. It's fine. It's. You're allowed to do this. And then she looks down and she goes, she's looking at the box and she's looking at the weight and she goes, oh, yeah, it says £35. So it's fine. I was like, yeah, that's what I said. It's fine. If she had said it's 51 pounds, if I had to take that thing out of there, Andrew, we would have. It would have been in the police blotter.

[John Moe]

Yeah, man.

[Luke Burbank]

Has man seen running nude through Walgreens just ranting about tape and 51 pounds.

[John Moe]

The upside is Genevieve would have joined me on the show today and we would have had a nice conversation.

[Luke Burbank]

No, I mean, honestly, that's a W for the listeners, without a doubt.

[John Moe]

Yeah. So you got it shipped off?

[Luke Burbank]

I got it shipped off. But I mean, the whole thing just felt, again, it felt like karma for me for not. Because, you know, the other thing that happened was a week before the get together, Becca said, this is a list of everything we need. This is how many bowls we need, this is how many plates we need, this is how much. And I just failed to even give it any consideration until the Saturday before. So it just felt like this is me being, you know, procrastinating and then also being impulsive. And then again, it didn't help that Becca's sister's husband, dawn, they're, they're, they're an incredibly, like, tight knit, thoughtful, low carbon footprint family. This particular wing of her family, which is her sister Sudel, her husband Don, and they're actually her partner, Don and their son Alexander. They, like, are just very good about not, you know, like Don just said casually, yeah, I hear, I hear when you send those back, they just go into a landfill. I was like, thanks.

[John Moe]

That's not, that's not going to happen to those. So you were having this conversation. I mean, they're unopened plates, you know, I know Amazon in the box.

[Luke Burbank]

I'm really hoping that they will. I mean, I mean, not that I want Jeff Bezos to make more money, but I really don't want them to go into. That would be the worst outcome possible because it would just, I just, it would mean that I just, you know, I just made a flamingo cry in Peru or something, you know, with My impulsivity.

[John Moe]

Well, with all things, I want to apply this to my own life and an experience I had yesterday that was actually maybe kind of the opposite of yours. And I'm just sort of remembering now. But before we get to that, I want to explore something that you just said. So the fact that these plates arrived too late and that you were going to be sending them back was a bit of a point of conversation during the Easter meal.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, because they were. I got an alert on my phone that Amazon just made the delivery. And I. I went out and brought the box and I said, guess what these are. These are the plates we were supposed to be using.

[John Moe]

I see. Did you feel. I. This is, you know, this is Becca's family. So obviously we have to be careful and very respectful. But did you feel a little judged in that moment?

[Luke Burbank]

I didn't feel judged. I didn't feel just the thing about Don. He is a. He.

[John Moe]

He.

[Luke Burbank]

He's just sort of. He's a really affable guy. I really like him. But he's also just the kind of. He'll just kind of say what's on his mind.

[John Moe]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Like, he doesn't. So he's not the kind of guy who's running that through the filter of, am I making Luke feel bad about the fact that these are going to go in a landfill? He's just. He's just. He's just sort of, you know, musing aloud about it because they're the kind of people who wouldn't order plates on Amazon because they've heard that they'll go to the landfill eventually, or they would. They would have gone and bought them from somewhere. You know, they're just. They're more intentional about a lot of stuff than I am. So. He wasn't saying it to make me feel bad, but it did run through my mind. Not enough that I didn't send them back.

[John Moe]

Yeah, well, I mean, well, what were you gonna do? You didn't need them anymore. I mean, I guess.

[Luke Burbank]

I mean, long term, I mean, there's. It's gonna. There's gonna be. Well, unless. Unless it gets canceled. There's gonna be another Easter, you know.

[John Moe]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

So I could have. I guess I could have hung onto them also. It was a hundred bucks. I was like, what I'm going to do is figure out a long term solution for having enough plates that match for when people come over if it's, you know, a large group of people. But I'll try to be again. I'll go to an actual store and go to a store that that's maybe what they sell and get them. So I am going to. I'm going to try to fix the problem, but I'm going to try to do it in a slightly more intentional way. It was just. I just felt like Jacob Marley with his chain, just dragging this. Dragging this box around for location, location. Trying to send it back to whatever hell it came from.

[John Moe]

Yeah. Or the Telltale Heart, maybe, as it's like, don't, don't, don't, don't. Yeah, it's in your backseat. I did hear that the. The failing Catholic Church might not have Easter next year. I don't know if you heard about this, but the Catholic Church is just. It's not looking great for them, according to our President. I wanted to talk his Easter.

[Luke Burbank]

That was his Easter tweet, by the way, where he threatens the human beings in Iran and then closes it out by saying, praise be to Allah.

[John Moe]

I didn't get that dazzling detail, but I've been following, by the way. I mean, I almost emailed you. This was like a week ago, before things even got a little bit heated. I sent an email to myself, and I was gonna copy you. Like, do we just need to do a top story about how cool the Pope is at some point and just, like, standing up for what's right? I mean, I'm not talking about baseball anymore. I'm just. I literally sent myself an email. I'm not joking. The subject line was, the Pope is dope, and with a link to some New York Times article. And this was again, like, a week ago, maybe a week and a half ago, just thinking like, boy, there's just so much to talk about, about how great this Pope is, like, to be speaking up for human rights. I mean, it seems like a pretty low bar, but, you know, he's not. All Popes have risen to the occasion.

[Luke Burbank]

Absolutely. And, I mean, did you send me this, or did somebody on bluesky loop me in on this? That somebody had, like, posted on Blue Sky? It's pretty crazy to think that there's probably at least one person at the Vatican, a Vatican who has an MLB.com account.

[John Moe]

I think maybe a listener sent that to us, because I saw that, too. That was not my. That was not my thought. I don't know if it was a listener's original thought or if somebody was just passing along a Blue sky post that they saw the idea that, like,

[Luke Burbank]

the idea that the very. I mean, I don't know what is exact what. The very Reverend, the very Exalted. The very dope Pope is also probably mad about not being able to get a White Sox game because somehow it's in market, it's out of market or in market or whatever. Like, the idea that he's also dealing with trying to watch the White Sox, that he's getting frustrated. Yeah, that so much.

[John Moe]

It's sinful to put this on Peacock.

[Luke Burbank]

I.

[John Moe]

And did I. Did I bring this up on the show or just off air? I really wanted to talk to you about that. That headline. I think we did bring it up finally on the show itself that, like, he actually has spoken out against, like, newspaper headlines that are more like clickbait or anything. Like.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, it's just like he wrote an encyclical.

[John Moe]

I mean, all he needs to do is talk about how it's a sin to put your dog poop in Andrew Walsh's garbage bins. Like, I needed it, like, because I feel like I'm living in some sort of a. What do they call it in Star Trek, the holodeck, where you can just, like, live out your fantasies. I'm asking the wrong guy probably here. But let me tell you about a little experience I had yesterday. It's not a long story. It's just about shopping. And you know what? I'll even tell you, I'll be fair to the listeners, and it's not a particularly good story. If you need to go get a cup of coffee or something, do it now. I'll try to keep it relatively short, but as you know, or as you referenced, like, you know, Veeves, and I haven't been using Amazon in a while, and as I've discussed a lot on the show, it's made it difficult for me, somebody who is not a natural shopper, who's impatient and just wants things, but doesn't want to go through the process of finding them. I had started to rely on Amazon more and more. And then when we kind of took a.

[Luke Burbank]

Because it remembered the kind of T

[John Moe]

shirts you wore it, remember? Yeah, I could just reorder things, which was nice. And then if I did want something, like a quick dart supply, like you say, I really did start to really get into, like, oh, yeah, this will just be here tomorrow. And where else am I going to get this? And it used to bother me, and it still bothers me that, like, I can't just go to a store that would have this specialty item because those stores don't exist anymore because Amazon drove them out of business. But I got to a point where I was Just sort of like, you know, blocking that information from my, you know, whatever brain receptors and just hitting buy, buy, buy. So anyway, when that convenience went away, I. For the past year or so, it's been like, kind of tough, like, oh, where am I going to get this thing that I need? And a lot of this stuff is very mundane, like shower curtains. I don't think I talked about it on tbtl. I think maybe that was a spotless thing, but, like, just like plastic shower curtain liners, the kind that I use that would go across your tub or whatever. I have a tub shower. You know, I used to get that at Target. Like you said, I'm not going to Target. You also sort of said, like, I know you're not supposed to go there. Just for the record, I just don't think people need to be going around judging other people's decisions on these things. Everybody do what feels right to you. I still. I was outside Target the other day because I was nearby and I did look at him like, oh, yeah, like, will I go in there again? Maybe. I don't know. Right now isn't the time for me. But they're just like these very mundane sort of, sort of home good things. I'm buying more stuff from Grove, the cleaning, the online kind of environmentally conscientious cleaning and home goods store that I like. But I don't know, there were just some holes in my shopping yesterday. I had several things I needed that felt specific. I knew I had to go to the pet store to buy a whole bunch of stuff for, you know, new puppy times and some stuff for Bingo the cat. I needed towels. This is also related to the puppy. We're going through a lot of towels. She's coming in and out. It's raining. We're drying her feet. She's having accidents indoors. So I'm sort of like starting to. I have a tiered system of towels in the house. Like, the new ones are for this, and then the slightly older ones are for counters, and then the really old ones are for floors or whatever. So I was like, okay, good, great time. And for a long time, I've been wanting this. Another thing I talked about on Spotless. I've been wanting fresh new towels for my bathroom downstairs. And I would have bought those on Amazon. I would have bought those several times over by now had I probably not given up on it. But I was like, I want to. Well, that's not entirely true because part of it also is I wanted to feel the towels. To me, like, the feel of a towel in a store is incredibly important. And Amazon couldn't provide me with that either. I miss Bed, Bath and Beyond, Luke. Like, that's where I would have gone. I really miss bed. That place.

[Luke Burbank]

What a weird, crazy world. Bed, Bath and Beyond.

[John Moe]

I mean, it's. And you knew it was weird because they said beyond. You know what I mean? You're like, okay, there's the bed section over there.

[Luke Burbank]

Pit of the avocado out somehow through the skin.

[John Moe]

Okay, where's the avocado pit? Extractor. You're going to need to go to the beyond for that. They just point to this portal in the back of the store that's sort of swirling. I really miss Bed, Bath and Beyond. So it's not all just Amazon for me. It's also just the current state of commerce. Right. Which Amazon does play into because that's

[Luke Burbank]

one of the reasons they've initiated everything else.

[John Moe]

Yes. By their existence and driven them out of business. So yesterday I got Pet store on the list. I got Grocery store on the list for some light grocery shopping when I need to go to the grocery store.

[Luke Burbank]

What constitutes light grocery?

[John Moe]

I didn't have tons of things on my grocery list. It wasn't like, oh, I, you know, really, really stocking up on everything in the kitchen. But I wanted some like pineapple and grapes, if you want to be specific. I wanted some produce. I just wanted a few little things. I wanted something to eat for dinner and. But the towel situation, I was still like, I don't know. And a listener had said, you should go to Costco and, you know, you can feel the towels there and buy them there. Oh, yeah. So I. Anyway, Genevieve, we've also been in sort of this weird mode with Lucy the puppy. Like we cannot leave her home alone at this point yet. She can't go everywhere with bandits might show up. Yeah, she's the wet. She's the wet bandit. Yeah. And she, she's not fully vaccine, so she can't totally integrate everywhere. Also, I kind of need to do her own research. A little bit of a. That's right. I mean, I think I can push her over. We're going to. We're having a lot of conversations. I'm trying to be patient and not pushy on this. Anyway, so because of that, we've. And it's get. It hasn't even been a week yet. And so I, you know, I'm a little bit house locked when Genevieve isn't here. And it didn't really occur to me how much I'm Just like, you know, we get done with this show and I can just go run to the store for this. I can go run to the teriyaki shop for that. You know, like. And now I'm like, okay, presumably teriyaki you. Actually, I was thinking about that white sauce that they put on the salad dressing. I do love that.

[Luke Burbank]

I freaking love that dressing.

[John Moe]

I like it. It's a little creamy for me, so I only want it on the side and I'll put a tiny bit on it because it's a little lemony, which I like.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah.

[John Moe]

Anyway, all of that is to say Genevieve gets home from work last night. I don't know, 5, 36 or something like that. And I said, okay, great, I'm going to do this running around. I'm going to go. I'm like, I finally have a solution to my towels. I've been thinking about this for like a year. I'm going to go to Costco. And Genevieve, I mean, God bless this woman, she said, I don't know about Costco for towels. I'm like, a listener told me. And she's like, okay, now you know that I hate going to Costco. I don't have anything against the company or anything. It sounds like they have pretty good practices, in fact, but it's just not an environment that I'm comfortable in. And the few times I've been driven to Costco, it's because, like, I need something specific, which is the wrong way to go to Costco. It's just not a good match for me. Right.

[Luke Burbank]

And.

[John Moe]

And I get really anxious going there. I don't like being in that crowd of people and it's just a bad place for me. And I looked it up and yes, Costco has a bunch of towels, but mostly they're online sales. And so Genevieve kept me from going to my least favorite place and then stomping out of it empty handed, which I've done a few times. Going to Costco and then not finding the specific thing you're looking for and then stomping out in the middle of a Wednesday is a uniquely Andrew Walsh move. And it is so frustrating.

[Luke Burbank]

It's happened before.

[John Moe]

Oh, it has. I needed these tables for pop up. My job is tables. And everybody said, oh, they have them at Costco. So I go into Costco and it's just a. I don't know if you know this. It's like a giant warehouse. And you go up to people and you say, where are the outdoor tables? And they look at you like, I don't know if we have those or not. Would you like a little hot dog bite? I'm like, no, I don't want a hot dog bite. I want a table. Like, well, I don't know. Like, you know, I think the people who work there are very nice, but they just are not. The idea of asking where something is in Costco seems to be just not part of the culture because it's constantly changing. Nobody knows what's in there. Mr. Costco doesn't know what's in there. So all of that is to say, Genevieve says, I don't. I wouldn't go to Costco for that. I look it up. She's absolutely right. I'm so thankful for that. But I'm like, where would you go? She's like, well, there's the TJ Maxx. There's a Marshalls. You know, it's just like, we can't just go to the mall like we used to.

[Luke Burbank]

You got to really be open to experience. If you're going to TJ Maxx for

[John Moe]

your towels, I. I know.

[Luke Burbank]

It's gonna be, like, there's gonna be, like, it's going to be Polo. It's going to be mustard yellow, and it's going to be Polo and have, like, a really fly teddy bear on it for some reason. Well, it started out it retailed for a thousand dollars, but now it's $8.

[John Moe]

Well, I. That does remind me. I did. Well, I don't want to get distracted. I did go on that Marshall's TJ Maxx journey right before our trip to Hawaii, because it was the day before, and I realized I didn't have shorts. You should wear shorts in Hawaii, not, like, long pants and combat boots or whatever I wore in the sunshine when I was a teenager. So, anyway, I needed some shorts, and so I. Anyway, I went on this whole journey. At first I hit Marshalls, and it was a disaster. And then I went up to TJ Maxx, which I just kept going further and further north on 99 until I ended up somewhere in Canada. But all of that is to say Genevieve is kind of saying, well, you could do that. I'm already thinking, am I going to do the TJ Maxx strikeout, go up to Marshalls, and then come home with something I'm sort of okay with, maybe, like, deal again? And. And then she said two magical words to me. Home Goods. There's a store called Home Goods that I bought, like, a planter in once. And I think that's the extent of my experience going There. And I was like, home Goods, of course, they're. They're the closest thing to sort of a Bed, Bath and Beyond. It's not quite that, but it's the type of store you go in. And it has those, like, very suburban fragrances that I actually kind of like, that remind me of, like, being a kid and going to the mall with my mom or something. I don't know if, you know, I'm talking about. They probably have a lot of, like, scent sticks in there. I don't know what it is, but they have towels, they have rugs, they have planters. I don't know. They just have everything. It's. And I. So here's my deal. Yesterday, I'm like, okay, yeah, I'll check out Home Goods. It'll be good. And then as I'm driving there, I sort of. I took the slightly wrong turn, so I'm going to have to go around the. Kind of around the block. And as I'm going around the block, I'm like, oh, you know what? I also need a bunch of things for pop up. So I need to go to my restaurant supply store, which is right behind Home Goods. And then I'm like, okay, So I stop there, I get a whole bunch of stuff for pop up that I need. And then I pull in the parking lot, and then I'm like, oh, right. Well, the pet store is right next to Home Goods. And then I realized, oh, do you know? What's next to Home goods is sprouts. Literally three stores next to each other and then one store behind them. It ended up being a quad play, Luke. It was a quad play because I hit the restaurant supply store first, and then I parked my car right in the middle of the parking lot, and I went, pet store, Home Goods, sprouts. Took a trip to my car to drop off my goods. In between each one, I was like, I mean, somehow HomeGoods was like that one missing piece of the puzzle. I go in there, they have shower curtain liners, tons of them. They also have pet supplies I could have purchased there as well. They have all kinds of things. So Home Goods, if you're like me and you're struggling to find, like, I don't know, something you'd usually just get at Target or Amazon or something like that, and there's a Home Goods in the neighborhood, give it a shot. I was so psyched and to have them all right in the same place. For me, it was like, I don't. I haven't had a good shopping win. In a while.

[Luke Burbank]

I'm.

[John Moe]

You could have.

[Luke Burbank]

You. And you really could have used that win. And you really did use that win, Andrew.

[John Moe]

And I was screaming in the parking lot. I really needed this win here.

[Luke Burbank]

That's great.

[John Moe]

Told you it wasn't that great of a story. In my defense, it was.

[Luke Burbank]

It was. We was hoping for some razzle dazzle. Razzle dazzle. That's right, man. Razzle dazzle.

[John Moe]

On your mark.

[Luke Burbank]

On your mark.

[John Moe]

Get set. Get set now.

[Andrew Walsh]

Ready, Ready.

[John Moe]

Go, everybody.

[Luke Burbank]

Razzle dazzle. Hey, let's thank some dazzling donors. These folks are keeping us in towel money with their donations of dough. This is 100% listener supported podcasting right here. Advertisers, they don't want to touch it. They can't touch it. It's. It's too edgy.

[John Moe]

It's just too real for them.

[Luke Burbank]

Exactly. So we rely on folks like Tracy Phillips in Des Moines, Washington. It's our pal Tracy.

[John Moe]

Hey, Tracy.

[Luke Burbank]

Tracy says hi, guys. Another year, another message where I can't think of what to say. Here it goes. I listen to TVTL because where else can I get breaking news about sandwich preferences, overly detailed airport stories, and a 12 minute debate about whether something is a whole thing? Some people meditate, some people journal. I listen to two grown men spiraling gently into chaos about listener emails and feeling, and I feel seen. It's like hanging out with your funniest friends if your friends had microphones. Niche opinions. Niche opinions. Tracy, I am the voice of a generation. I think what that generation is, we're not sure. Maybe it hasn't occurred yet.

[John Moe]

Good story. Like you think that's niche.

[Luke Burbank]

And honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. Oh, by the way, I missed part of that sentence. Niche opinions and absolutely no intention of staying on topic. And honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. It's been 17 years with you and this beautiful show I'll be making. Asking my niece, the redhead you met at the Vera Project on our trip to Europe this year to listen. Ooh, fun. I always give her and her sister this will change your life statements like listen to the Pixies and the Smiths. Now could you please play the Calgary Flames drop? I'm a Flames fan. I remember this about Tracy, which is kind of random, that Tracy is a big Calgary Flames fan, but she says I'm a Flames fan. It tickles me every time. Love you guys and love John. This is from our friend, listener. Tracy, do you happen to have that Calgary Flames tape? It's from the Nick Kroll show, right?

[John Moe]

I do, yes. And do you know the name? So it is from the Nick Kroll Show. And what is the name of the comedian who's playing the teacher in the. It's from a sketch called Wheels Ontario, which is supposed. It's like a. It's like a. What was that 80s and 90s show about the Degrassi Junior? It's a parody of Degrassi, which famously actually featured Drake. I believe Degrassi had the Degrassi, the Next Generation had Drake. Not the one that I think I grew up with, but Wheels Ontario, I believe the premise is it was like a Degrassi kind of school, except it was a school where I think everybody was in wheelchairs except for the main character. And it was about him not being able to fit in with everybody because he.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, exactly. It's sort of a school switcheroo of what you might have seen, you know, on an after school TV show. I'm trying to scrub through this and see if I can get to the teacher because, yeah, I'm not. I. I don't know if I've even ever watched this. I've just heard it.

[John Moe]

Yeah, you would know. It's driving me crazy, I think. Oh, you know who it is? I'm pretty sure it's John Daly.

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, sure.

[John Moe]

Take a listen to this voice and tell me if you think it's John Daly. Here it is. This is from the Kroll Show.

[Luke Burbank]

And that concludes our lesson on the founder of Canadian Electricity, Sir Brian.

[John Moe]

Oh.

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, look who decided to come in tardy. Now, don't think it's okay to just roll in here at 100 kilometers per hour like you're Joe Lotto at the Calgary Flames. Okay. Who do you think you are, Prime Minister Stephen Harper?

[John Moe]

You know what, Luke? Timeless. It's so great.

[Luke Burbank]

It's so great. I love how, like, unnecessarily Canadian they make sure, like just that being like the part of the premise. Yeah, yeah, they're great. They also do. You know, there's the Pawn Brothers sketch that they did. That was him and John Daly. Where they're where they own two different Pennsylvania pawn shops.

[John Moe]

And aren't they the too much Tuna guys too? Or no, no, that's not John Daly, of course. Right.

[Luke Burbank]

And Kroll.

[John Moe]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, Tracy, thank you so much for hanging with us all these years and thank you for attempting to convert your niece to another TBT listener this summer. Don't let it ruin the trip to Europe, please.

[John Moe]

But.

[Luke Burbank]

Thank you. Maestro.

[John Moe]

On your mark.

[Luke Burbank]

On your mark.

[John Moe]

Get Set. Get set now.

[Andrew Walsh]

Ready, Ready.

[John Moe]

Go.

[Luke Burbank]

Everybody, look who it is. It's Amy Lake in Eugene, Oregon. I'm much more connected with Eugene than I ever expected to be in my life, because that's where Becca went to college, and we've been down there a few times. There's like, she comes from the kind of family where, like, there aren't buildings with their names on it, but there are bricks with, like, her grandparents names on it, which is really. Which is pretty highfalutin. Also, she's running the Eugene marathon in a couple of weeks, and I have to go down there and deliver her to the starting line for that. So, anyway, I've always got Eugene somewhere in my mind. Even more so because it's where Amy Lake is, who says, this is just a short message to let you all know how important this little podcast is to me. Five days a week, you provide a welcome relief from all the chaos of the world. But I had a thought, Andrew. Are we going to. Will we suffer a decline in listeners when the world stops being as chaotic?

[John Moe]

You're wondering if this.

[Luke Burbank]

I'm saying I don't like the world

[John Moe]

the way it is at all, but

[Luke Burbank]

is it actually because so many of the messages are, hey, what I like about TBTL is it's my break from the real world. And what people mean by that is just what's happening in our actual world. And I want more than anyone for our world to return to some sense of normalcy, our government to return to some sense of normalcy, looking out for people instead of harming people the way it does. But will that be. Is that gonna be a problem for us? Because what if the real world goes back to being kind of a normal place? Will people still come to tbtl?

[John Moe]

And that raises the question, will that affect how you and I vote in upcoming elections? Like, do we want to perpetuate this chaos in order to.

[Luke Burbank]

You know, I am willing to. Well, our. We know our friend, television's Chris Hayes, was willing to trade all of this for one Chicago Cubs World Series.

[John Moe]

We got to remember that. We got to remember whose fault this all is.

[Luke Burbank]

Exactly. Don't you know, you see him on TV or you're reading his books and you think he's a pretty cool customer. Just know that he did this so that the Chicago Cubs could get a World Series. Anyway, Amy says, you provide a welcome relief from the chaos of the world. I always say listening to TBTL reminds me of listening to good friends chat around the dining room table. That's kind of What Tracy was saying in her message, this is a theme today.

[John Moe]

This is pumping me up. Thank you.

[Luke Burbank]

And it's Baker Mayfield's birthday.

[John Moe]

Yeah. Yeah. All of this on Baker Mayfield.

[Luke Burbank]

What a Taco Tuesday, my friend. You biz boys are the best. Thank you for all that you do. Well, Amy, we wouldn't be biz boys without you and other folks who have been so nice as to support the show financially. So thank you. What you all are doing. Let's go back to this. I forget who exactly said this, but it was a few messages ago. So what we're doing is important. That is to say, all of us, this group, that is the TBTL listeners, and me and Andrew and John, what we're doing together is meaningful for all of us. So thanks, Amy, for helping us do it.

[John Moe]

Hello and welcome to Top Story.

[Luke Burbank]

I've learned, Andrew, that one of my main, I guess you could say brands is being Albanian, which is kind of funny because I feel like I haven't talked about it in a while. But of course, I found out pretty late in life that my biological father, who I never met, that his side of the family was Albanian or had Albanian ancestry. And it was. For some reason. I don't know why. It just. I. It was strange to think of myself as having a slightly different, I guess, genetic makeup or ethnic makeup. I don't think that's an ethnicity, but anyway. And then I. I just. I became slightly curious about Albania, which is to say, I think I looked it up on Wikipedia just to try to figure out where it was. And I don't know if anybody actually. Did somebody ever actually add me to the Wikipedia page? I think maybe as a joke, a listener, because basically I was trying to figure out, well, who's Albanian. And at the time, I think it was like Reese Regis Philbin was a famous Albanian, as was Eliza. Eliza Dushku, the actor, as were the Belushi brothers. And then I feel like either somebody actually added me to the Wikipedia or I just asked them to, but somehow there was a conversation about, am I in the top? Like, 20 most well known Albanian Americans. And that's really more of a function of there not being that many well known Albanian Americans or people in America who have Albanian ancestry. In fact, when I did an interview with Jim Belushi years ago, I said, I'm Albanian. And he really liked that. He liked it so much that he wanted me to stay over at his house. House. I tell you that part of the story.

[John Moe]

No, yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

He has this amazing, like, ranch in. In down In Oregon on the Rogue river, where he grows weed. And he was like, hey, man, if you want to stay over, we got lots of space and stuff. And I remember subsequent times texting it. He'd be like, hey, what's up, my Albanian brother? It was a big bonding thing, really.

[John Moe]

You think that you don't get the invite to sleep over without the Albanian connection.

[Luke Burbank]

You're Albanian bros. No, I do not think that happens. I think it made a connection in his mind that would not have been there if I was a regular non Albanian reporter. But we can now add former New York City Mayor Eric Adams to the list. The reason I say my brand is because multiple people have sent me this story, I think.

[John Moe]

Was I the first? You were the first. I liked it. I just. Thank you for saying that. Whether or not it was true, but I saw that.

[Luke Burbank]

But I've got. I've also gotten this from a couple of other people that the former mayor of New York City, Eric Adams, has now officially been given Albanian citizenship. And it would appear this is a story in the New York Times from Emma Goldberg, that Eric Adams has had an odd obsession with Albania. Now, there's. How do I put this delicately? I don't think that. I don't think, and I say this with peace and love to my Albanian brothers and sisters, but Eric Adams, pretty would appear to have been a somewhat corrupt guy. In fact, had to stop being mayor because of allegations around his corruption, which he was then pardoned by noted corrupt guy Donald Trump. Albania, not the squeakiest, cleanest of countries when it comes to that kind of stuff. It's a kind of, you know, it's a kind of known, known area of a certain amount of, let's say graft, let's say scammery. And like, there's just something that's very perfect about Eric Adams favorite country being Albania, to me, you know. So as mayor of New York City. This is from Emma's piece in the Times. As mayor of New York City, Eric Adams developed a reputation for wanderlust with a specifically profound love of Albania. Now, Mr. Adams, only months out of office and evidently footloose, has been granted Albanian citizenship and received an Albanian passport by special decree of the Albanian president, Badram Bagaj. Mr. Adams Dual citizenship was reported by Albanian media and confirmed by his spokesman, Todd Shapiro. Quote, he loves Albania. Mr. Shapiro said in a brief call. He really does. As mayor, Mr. Adams hosted three flag raising ceremonies for Albania. That just seems like a lot of flag raising ceremonies for Albania. Last June, he hosted the celebration of Albanian culture at Gracie Mansion. And in the waning weeks of his mayoralty, after dropping out of the race for reelection, he flew to Albania and met with the Prime Minister. It took 109 mares before they understood that we should have an Albanian day parade in New York City, said Mr. Adams last June. I can't wait until I get to Albania and enjoy the beautiful rivers and seas and mountains that you all have to offer. Now, they mention in the typical kind of New York Times droll way, his extensive overseas travel figured prominently in his indictment on federal corruption charges. And that is a hyperlink to all of the charges.

[John Moe]

I was going to say, you know, when I. When I first saw this, I saw it in some sort of, like, Albanian American publication headline that did not have a lot of detail and. Nor scrutiny, I would say. But of course, like, yeah, this sounds like someone was feathering his nest.

[Luke Burbank]

I mean, he was. I mean, he got in trouble. The specific charges were about Turkey. Right. But you got to assume that whatever was going on that was probably not above board, he was getting these very lavish flights to Turkey as mayor, and it wasn't being reported correctly, was the allegation. They also say in the Times piece the charges were abandoned under highly unusual circumstances by President Trump's Justice Department. But you sort of have to assume that whatever lavish stuff that was probably not okay was going on in Turkey was also probably going on in Albania. The piece goes on to say his soft spot for Albania extends to his family. His son, Jordan Coleman, competed on Albania's American Idol in 2022.

[John Moe]

Isn't it just Albanian Idol?

[Luke Burbank]

Well, it's the Albany. It's the American Idol equivalent, right? Yes, it should be.

[John Moe]

It would be really funny if it was just. It feels like in BoJack Horseman, they would have it Albanian American Idol.

[Luke Burbank]

Yes, totally. But so wait, Albania let his kid go on Albanian American Idol, and now he's doing three flag raisings for them. Now they're making him a citizen. It's like, like, I mean, this whole thing feels a little. Feels a little weird to me, Although

[John Moe]

you're not really the best messenger for that, because you obviously have a dug on this flight, as we.

[Luke Burbank]

I do have a dug on this flight.

[John Moe]

You're trying to undermine this whole thing in order to sort of like, I don't know, protect your own status as an Albanian. So that's. You see how I can't. I don't trust him, but I don't fully trust you in this situation either.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, I'm on. By the Way I'm on the. The Wikipedia page for list of Albanian Americans and I don't. You know who just got added? Eric Adams.

[John Moe]

Yeah, he's on there, huh.

[Luke Burbank]

Under politics. He's the newest. He is the newest addition to the list of Albanian Americans in the politics category. I'm obviously not going to be there. I'm not in science and academia. I'm not in cinema. I've never been in cinema. The top report or the top listing? Jim Belushi followed by John Belushi followed by. There was a Robert Belushi, I guess. Do you know Danny DeVito is. Apparently got some Albanian heritage and that kind of checks out. He's just got dark features and dark hair. Let's see. Eliza Dushku, as I mentioned, not anybody else that's particularly well known to my arts and entertainment. Okay. Musicians. I'm not a musician, so I'm not in there. Artists. I consider this to be art, what I'm doing. You know who is Albanian, famously is Action Bronson.

[John Moe]

Oh, wow. I haven't heard that name in a long time.

[Luke Burbank]

Let's see. Of course, reach, as I've already mentioned. Regis Philbin. Bobby Starr, former adult film actress. Love her work. Martin Shkreli, the guy that bought the Wu Tang. The guy that made the. The medication too expensive and then used it to buy the Wu Tang album.

[John Moe]

Wu Tang, baby. Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

They rock the world.

[John Moe]

They rock the world. Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Let's see. Yeah. You know what?

[John Moe]

I'm not Davalani, professional ballroom dancer. Did you already mention that one?

[Luke Burbank]

One time. Halle Berry, boyfriend.

[John Moe]

No, I understanding. Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Media put me in. Andrew Kaczynski. Okay, whatever. Bill Kovac, Donald Lambro, Eric Margulies, Molly Querum, Nick Toshes and Nexme Zaimi. Look.

[John Moe]

Oh, my God. Look at the descriptions of everybody who's under the category of others.

[Luke Burbank]

I'm not even going to read theirs.

[John Moe]

I'm not going to read their names. It's here. Joseph Ardazoni, mobster. Zufi Hoaxa, terrorist. Ishmael Lika, mobster. Zef Mustafa, mobster. Sammy Ozmakek, convicted terrorist, not suspected, convicted. Nicolo Shiro, mobster. John Elite, former mobster, author, youth motivational speaker and former association associate of the Gambino crime family. That one.

[Luke Burbank]

Wow, what a change. Can't change.

[John Moe]

I love it. It goes mobster, terrorist, mobster, mobster, convicted terrorist, mobster, former mobster, slash youth motivational speaker. That is amazing.

[Luke Burbank]

I'm just saying if somebody would. If somebody would like to do me the kindness. I don't know how to do this. I'm not above asking someone to do it, but I am above doing it for myself. If somebody could please add me to the media category, okay. Like I am in the media. This is legitimate. I should, you know, I'm. By the way, I'm going to do one of those 23andMe or whatever they are kind of, you know, deals with. We were at a thing this weekend and we were talking to a friend of ours, David, who happens to be Jewish, and he and I were like kind of talking about. I was giving him my theory. That is I would be unsurprised to find out that I have somewhere far back in my ancestry some amount of Jewish heritage. And my theory for this is one, my affinity for many of people who happen to be Jewish. And just the culture and the vibe. I'm into it, I like it, it works for me. Which is, that's not science or genetics. That's just, I'm just saying I like Jewish stuff and Jewish people. But also Albania was one of those places that was so, so, so anti Semitic that there were a lot of people who happened to be Jewish who just kind of stopped identifying as such, like kind of for their own safety. And then after enough generations, the people lost the thread. So maybe it was like somebody's great, great, great, great great grandmother and grandfather were like, we're going to low key the Jew thing. And then by the time you get down a bunch of generations, you've got people that don't have that as any part of their perceived heritage. But maybe it's in there. I'm wondering, I'm hoping obviously that that's somewhere in there for me. But we were talking about this and, and, and I. He said he's invited. He invited us to do Passover at his house next year. And I said yes. And I'm gonna get do one of those tests and hopefully I'm going to show up in full gear. I'm gonna have a yamaka on. I'm gonna have.

[John Moe]

That's great.

[Luke Burbank]

I'm gonna be with my paperwork from 23.

[John Moe]

Okay, good. As long as part of the trial, I mean. Yeah, as long as you're gripping your paperwork as you show up in this.

[Luke Burbank]

I'll have it laminated and I'll show it to anyone who will see it that I am allowed to do this. So anyway. But yeah, if somebody could please add me to the list of Albanian Americans, I would really. Now what if I do this test and I'm.

[John Moe]

I.

[Luke Burbank]

That's Again, that's a nation of. Or. That's not an ethnicity. I wouldn't come back as positive for Albanian. Right. How does that work?

[John Moe]

I have no idea.

[Luke Burbank]

It's a country. It's not. It. Yeah, but. You know what I mean.

[John Moe]

Yeah, but, like, so is Poland. And if I were to get it, I'd be. You know, it's my. It's my understanding that I'm half Polish.

[Luke Burbank]

You're.

[John Moe]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

You're at work, actually. That is so weird because, like, think about it. Is it. Would you get Polish?

[John Moe]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Get Polish.

[John Moe]

How do you get Polish? Because I. My background is, like 50% Polish and then Czechoslovak. Well, we used to say growing up we'd say Czechoslovakian, but I guess I'd just be either Czech or. This is a good question. If I was a quarter Czechoslovakian before, am I now an eighth Czech and an eighth Slovak? I don't. I don't know anything about this. I will say I'm. I'm deeply. I've always been deeply uncurious about genealogy. My own and other people's, like. And I just kind of.

[Luke Burbank]

It's gonna be a big plot on this show.

[John Moe]

Okay. I mean, I'll. I'll listen. I'll. I'll listen to yours, but I just don't even know how to talk about it without sounding like an idiot, because I've just never explored it. I don't know.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, because I don't. I don't know if it would come back Polish because what. I mean, would that mean that it would come back Amer. Would Addie's come back American?

[John Moe]

Well, no, it would be like, whatever your and her mom's background are.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah. Which.

[John Moe]

Well, what do you.

[Luke Burbank]

I guess.

[John Moe]

Okay, what do you think?

[Luke Burbank]

Well, what I'm saying is Irish. What does Irish mean? Like, so she would get some Irish.

[John Moe]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

From Ireland. But is that a. I mean, there are people in Ireland, you mean. I don't know. I'm clearly at the edge of my understanding of this, too. I'm just trying to figure out the difference between the national boundary of an area which confers your citizenship versus something genetic about you, something that is genetically Irish or genetically.

[John Moe]

When we talk about our genetics, it's always linked. I mean, with the exception of, like, you say, the Jewish people, there's usually. And I guess there are a couple of other kind of ethnicities again, when you go into that Eastern Europe stuff. But it's going to come back like, you know, you're not. Yeah, you're. You're the the background. You're. You're Irish, you're Scottish, you're Polish, you're. You know what I mean? That's. It's always a. Tied to a net. It's often tied to a nationality.

[Luke Burbank]

I guess it would be funny if I was. I'm. It'd be funny if I was zero Albanian. Right as I was being added.

[John Moe]

That would be really interesting. Maybe that's what you by the way, ripping your paperwork for.

[Luke Burbank]

But then they put me under other and it would be. The last guy would be podcaster, liar about being from Albania and motivational speaker.

[John Moe]

Oh, I would love it if there was a separate page on Wikipedia that was list of famous Americans who claim who false.

[Luke Burbank]

That one I would be at the top of. Literally no one has ever tried to claim being Albanian who wasn't. Other than Eric Adams maybe.

[John Moe]

But here I go once again with the email. Every week I hope that it's from a female. Oh man, it's not from a female.

[Luke Burbank]

All right, emails. V. Mills.

[John Moe]

Yes. Do you remember the other day during the dazzling donor segment, we were thanking a listener named Mark who you identified as somebody who used to be, I believe, a long haul trucker and is now a pilot for an airline.

[Luke Burbank]

Yes. And that's why I call him the master of Travel, because I feel like he's.

[John Moe]

Yes.

[Luke Burbank]

Crossed this country. We just said if he could get. If we could get him on a riverboat or something or a train conductor, he could really cover all of the bases of ways that we get across the country.

[John Moe]

Well, this must be the same Mark. I got a voicemail from Mark. And the irony is Mark left this probably before we read his dazzling donor message. And now we're all going to hear it after reading his dazzling donor message. But it really does lean into his knowledge, expertise and experience of being a pilot. Because you and I recently on the show were talking about airport code, specifically how SeaTac Airport, which has always been known as SeaTac Airport, has tried to rebrand itself as SEA. And we even said like, it just seemed like a pretty desperate, thirsty attempt by their marketing department to sort of like be hip and cool like PDX and lax. And Mark gets into all of that, along with some really interesting observations that were beyond my observation.

[Mark the Pilot]

Hey there, business boys. It's your buddy Mark the pilot. Imagine my delight when I get in the car to drive to the airport to go to work this morning and you're talking all about airport codes. Wow, it's like custom made content for me. Anyway, I wanted to address your thoughts about SeaTac and the rebranding of Sea, I think it has less to do with sliding Tacoma, which lord knows needs no more sliding. That it does. Kind of following this trend of cities and airports using their airport code to refer to themselves in a cool, hip way. I think this probably started largely with ATL and probably the hip hop scene in Atlanta. I don't know, maybe at least that's part of it. But of course there's other cities like LAX or PDX that also do this. I think that's really mostly what SEA is trying to do. And it seems a little like late to the game and kind of lame to me to use the ICAO identifier, that's the International Civil Aviation Organization identifier, for the airport branding or the city branding as a whole. What really irritates me though, since you asked, is when cities or airports use airport codes or airport code sounding things to refer to themselves that aren't actually airport codes. I'll give you an example. Austin, Texas is forever and everywhere referring to itself as atx, which is not the airport code. The airport code is aus. But ATX sure does stand for Austin and Texas maybe, and sounds a lot like an airport code with the three letter ending with an X kind of thing. So I don't like that. I also don't like it when people refer to Denver International Airport as dia, as the airport code is D, E, N. I think DIA might have been the airport code for Stapleton, the old airport that was closer to downtown, but the airport that is 45 minutes away from downtown Denver and guarded over by a Satanic horse is Den. Also as a side note, MCO for Orlando, McCoy Field, named for some army guy. And Ord in Chicago is Orchard Field, which was the tiny little airport that existed on the northwest of Chicago that became the behemoth that it is today. Anyway, I'd love to stay in chat, but I am at PHL and I gotta get to san.

[John Moe]

That is a power out, by the way.

[Luke Burbank]

Hell of a sign up off mark.

[John Moe]

Really is. That was great played.

[Luke Burbank]

Wait, so P. Phl, he said, and he's got to get to P. I'm

[John Moe]

trying to MIA maybe was that.

[Luke Burbank]

No, I'm trying to think of if I can.

[John Moe]

Oh, sfo, he said. Right, that's where.

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, well, that one's San Francisco.

[John Moe]

What if I'm remembering that right here, I'll play it again. Th L. Is that. Is that definitely what he said? I already don't remember.

[Mark the Pilot]

And ORD in Chicago is Orchard Field, which was the tiny little airport that existed on the northwest of Chicago that became the behemoth that it is today. Anyway, I'd love to stay in chat, but I am at PHL and I got to get to San today. Power out.

[John Moe]

Oh, San. I said F. SFO PHL would be.

[Luke Burbank]

What would that be?

[John Moe]

I'm going to look it up. Do you want to guess for a little bit?

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, I'm going to try to guess. And then San. I want to say that's going to be San Diego. Unless that's San Antonio. I feel like it's going to be either San Diego or San Antonio. I'm going to go with you.

[John Moe]

Going to. Are you officially submitting a. An answer for San right now?

[Luke Burbank]

I'm officially submitting that San, I believe is San Diego.

[John Moe]

But congratulations, you got that one.

[Luke Burbank]

I'm. I'm wondering if. If Phoenix is technically phl. I mean, it's called sky harbor. And I'm going to say that. That phl.

[John Moe]

Here's what I'm going to do. Can I. Can I do something with you?

[Luke Burbank]

I would love you to do something.

[John Moe]

Will you do something? Will you. Will you close your eyes? Okay, I want you to close your eyes. I want you to take a nice, deep breath. Okay? And I want you to not overthink this. I want you to feel this. I want you to feel this. I want you to Philadelphia. Thank you, sir. That works. What you needed to do it was Philadelphia.

[Luke Burbank]

That was really good advice.

[John Moe]

We were just talking about your background. It's got it right.

[Luke Burbank]

There's the first two letters.

[John Moe]

Yep. There you go. Congratulations. That was a really great. That was a really informative voicemail. Thanks for leaving. And by the way, you could tell that Mark had recorded that I think it's a voice memo, and emailed it to me. You guys can do that, too. My email address is andrewbtl.net or you can call the voicemail line 206-414-8285. That's 206414. TBTL. There you go, Mark.

[Luke Burbank]

Thank you very much.

[John Moe]

Sorry, too loud.

[Luke Burbank]

Is that bingo?

[John Moe]

No, that was. I just had the. My. I had my potentiometer in the wrong spot. Luke, it happens to all men.

[Luke Burbank]

Absolutely. It sure does. All right, thank you so much for listening, everybody. We are all done for today, but we're going to be right back here tomorrow with more imaginary radio for you. So please hop on by for that. In the meantime, have a great Tuesday. Take care of yourselves. Good luck with the taxes, everybody.

[John Moe]

Yeah,

[Luke Burbank]

everybody being me. And we'll see you tomorrow. Please remember and go Mariners. That's been working lately. Fingers crossed they're in Slam Diego right now.

[John Moe]

That's right. It's a night game, though, right?

[Luke Burbank]

It is. Yes, it is. Go Mariners. And everybody, please remember, no mountain too tall.

[John Moe]

And good luck to all.

[Luke Burbank]

Dude, give me a Brock.

[Mark the Pilot]

This is grass Clippings.

[Luke Burbank]

Give us the real deal or we're out of here.

[John Moe]

I'm going to do for you guys.

[Mark the Pilot]

I'm going to hook you up to the best stuff.

[John Moe]

Okay? You guys jump into my van.

[Luke Burbank]

Definitely for Sharks.

[Andrew Walsh]

Come on, power out.