#661: Incensed!

Summary

Tell ‘Em Steve-Dave #661: Incensed!

Release Date: December 15, 2025
Main Theme:
This episode brings together the classic TESD crew (Walt, Bry, Q) and special guest Rub for a highly candid, darkly comedic look at everyday absurdities: misadventures at the office, “incense wars,” social irritations at home, navigating AI’s weird new world, and a philosophical dive via the debut of Rub’s new game, “Mr. Brightside.” The tone is raucous, irreverent, and true-to-life, blending improv-level riffs with surprisingly heartfelt undercurrents.

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Highlights & Key Segments

1. [01:56] Checking In: Giddem’s Absence & Studio Status

• Get ‘Em Steve Dave is in rehab, set to return home soon, but his absence has closed the Hazlitt office/studio indefinitely. Walt implores listeners not to show up: “If Giddem’s not here, no one’s here.”
• The crew jokes about the office’s fragility and Giddem’s real value:

  “It really shows you how much he’s earning, that money, sitting and waiting for those...customers.” —Walt (04:07)

2. [05:57] The 2025 Airport Plaza "Incense Wars"

• Get ‘Em, though absent, stirs controversy by alerting the team to a brewing “incense war” between tenants.
• The Situation: ‘‘Yarn Lady,’’ a Plaza mainstay, posts an angry letter demanding the mysterious incense burner “PLEASE STOP.”
• Discussion: Is she exaggerating her reaction for effect, or genuinely suffering? Is her claim of migraine and burning eyes legit?
• The TESD crew sides with longevity and sympathy:

  “You just can’t come in here with your fancy-smancy smelling salts from all over the Persian Gulf...burning them, then everybody’s got a headache.” —Walt (06:22)

• The group imagines comical escalation (“no pets or incense!”) and the potential for pet-owner comeuppance.
• Memorable image: Walt mistakes a leaf for dog poop, nearly cleans it up to avoid blame in Giddem’s absence (10:18).

3. [11:19] Domestic Babble: The Perils of Spousal Chattiness

• Bry vents about MaryBeth’s constant dog/cat chatter and newfound eBay “flipping” obsession:

  “When your wife is rambling, how do you cut down on that?” —Bryan (11:19)

• Walt’s life hack: perfected autopilot listening from years at the TESD table—“I can seemingly look like I’m involved...and I’m fucking in another land.” (13:58)
• Rob admits to the inverse problem—zoning out so completely he misses his wife’s conversation entirely (14:55).
• The group brainstorms (and rib each other about) personal ‘retreats’: Bry needs to reclaim his basement as a man-cave/hobby zone.
• The segment highlights the need for personal space/hobbies in marriage, and the comedic lengths to which one may go to escape or recapture a little independence.

4. [16:52] Spouse as ‘Flip(ster)’: The eBay (Non-)Hustle

• Details of the Great Johnson Family Flipping Plan: Pyrex, ceramics, “lily pads,” estate-sale misc., and unused projects cluttering the house.
• Walt compares it to his own would-be “zombify-the-paintings” hobby; everyone notes the gulf between acquisition motivation and follow-through.
• The real domestic irritant: phone game addiction. Bry notices MaryBeth’s “nonstop” gaming, paralleling his own mother’s earlier habits (18:05).

5. [19:43] The Hobby Void and the Value of New Circles

• The men question if spending so much time together at home is healthy, and what it takes to carve out solo interests:

  “...that is a product of you and her being together for weeks on end without...anything that brings you apart.” —Walt (19:56)

• Proposals: VFW, Elks Lodge, community theater (Q: “Once a year, you do Othello, or something...”), ASPCA/library volunteering, working at Barnes & Noble rearranging magazines, or acting.
• Bry, per usual, finds a way to pre-empt any new challenge: “I can’t work at Barnes and Noble...that’s not free time, that’s a job.” (25:09)
• Q offers a gentle nudge: “I think he needs a new circle that’s only his.” (24:08)

6. [36:27] News & Riff: AI, ChatGPT, and the Dangers of Algorithmic “Hallucinations”

• AI in the real world: A lawsuit alleges ChatGPT “fed the paranoid delusions” of a man who killed his mother—raising the philosophical minefield of tool-vs-user responsibility.

• Walt’s central analogy: “Let’s say it’s 1910, and someone uses a car to run over their mother—would we get rid of cars?” (39:14)

• Q and Walt don’t shy from the gray area between convenience, responsibility, and the encroaching inability to tell real from fake in the digital world.

• Q’s observation about art, creativity, and AI:

  “There’s something about art...what it means to be a human through art...there is something offensive...about that being created by something that doesn’t even live.” (48:43)

• Walt: Artists can (and should) make AI a tool—levelling the playing field for those lacking budget, not just talent.

  “Why are you shutting the doors for those people now who finally now can create something...on this new technology?” —Walt (49:37)

7. [54:21] TESD 2025 Christmas Special and Audiobook Announcements

• [54:21] Reminder: 7.5 hour Christmas Pod releases Dec 23 on Bandcamp & Patreon, proceeds to charity ([00:00] and [54:21]).

8. [57:05] Debuting “Mr. Brightside”—Rub’s Game of Absurd Silver Linings

• Concept: Each host picks a random unpleasant fate (incontinence, losing object permanence, all-liquid diet, etc.). The challenge is to rationalize or “normalize” their life under these conditions.

• Sample Dilemmas–Highlights:

  • Bryan (Incontinence): Would get medical help, then wear diapers and be forced to time podcast recording carefully (58:29).

    “Mary Beth, we’re recording tomorrow, so come on, give me a hand in here, cover up that toilet—I don’t want to see it!” (60:23)

  • Q (No Object Permanence): At first lost, attempts a “Memento” solution by tattooing reminders on his body; Walt reframes as living through endless rediscovery and delight (63:20—70:09).
  • Walt (Liquid Diet): Proposes IV nutrition or baby food, tries to maximize health routine; notes spitting up is an issue (72:33).
  • Q (All Secondhand, Even Food & Underwear): Quickly finds the loophole—just needs an assistant to take the first bite, otherwise not a big deal (“just like royalty!” 77:26).
  • Walt (No Touchy): Driven to the “boy in the bubble” life to avoid accidentally killing people or animals; makes peace with a hermetic existence (81:33).
  • Bry (No Animals Ever): Realizes he must live outdoors tent-style to avoid invisible animal dander/death—turns into a Key West camping fantasy, but complains about bugs (83:19).

  Memorable exchange:

  Walt: “Negative Nelly!”
  Bry: “Can’t do it.”
  Q: “Can’t do it, just kill me now.” ([87:14])

9. [88:48] Philosophical Lightning Round: Love Lost in a “Coma,” Life as Always-On Honking

• Walt (Coma, loved one moves on):

  “I would not expect her to not try to live some semblance of a normal life... She’d never expect me to come out of a coma five years later. Just happy I’m out of the fucking coma.” (89:28)

• Bry (Can Only Talk About TV Show “Alice”):

  “We could start a podcast: Alice Does Live Here.” (95:46)
  He must relate everything in life back to Alice for the rest of his days.

• Q (Must Sexually “Soak” Only, a Mormon loophole):
  Solutions: find a hot “bed jumper,” maybe use a hospital bed, but ultimately—“Just lie back and hang out. No thrusting, no cardio work... at my age, who needs this pressure?” (106:42)

10. [107:57] Final Absurdities: From “Toot Toot” (Bry speaks only in horn sounds) to LED Mind Readers, and Time-Locked Tech

• Bry (Horn sounds): Has to develop a horn “language” and teach friends (108:13).
• Q (Believes everything anyone says): Must have his friends always around to prevent disastrous scams (110:54).
• Walt (Weight oscillates by 100 lbs each day):

  “Some days I gotta be bedridden. Someone’s gonna have to wipe me when I’m bedridden!” (117:06)

• Q (Thoughts visible on forehead via LED):

  “There’s sombrero time, and there’s just leaning into being the blunt guy.” (121:13)

• Walt (Stuck with only tech from birth year—1967):
  “I love old TVs… I think it’s a very airy kind of floating kind of existence where I’m not weighed down by today’s gizmos.” (126:14)
• Bry (Every interaction ends in a stinging insult): He’d blame neurological injury and warn everyone in advance; jokes about the effect on the pod and being beat up at McDonald’s (129:01).

11. [133:04] Rub’s Plug & The Ethics of Podcast Cross-Promotion

• Rub plugs his own podcast, “Reviewing History” (covers historical movies with ‘dick and fart jokes’), admits to borrowing TESD’s game style.
• Debate: Should TESD expand with more cross-pod appearances?

  “Should we think about—like—you know, branching out, going on other podcasts…?” —Walt (133:46)

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Notable Quotes

• On Incense War Diplomacy:

  “You just can’t come in here with… your fancy-smancy smelling salts from all over the Persian Gulf… burning them, and then everyone’s got a headache.”
  —Walt (06:22)

• On Escaping Domestic Babble:

  “I can seemingly look like I’m involved in what you’re telling me, and I’m fucking in another land. I’m not here, baby.”
  —Walt (13:58)

• On Tech & AI Job Disruption:

  “Why are you shutting the door for those people now who finally now can create something…?”
  —Walt (49:37)

• On Spousal Attachment:

  “She does not want to stay home by herself. It’s so sweet.”
  —Q (21:23)

• On the Game’s Spirit:

  “You’re the arbitrage… The arbiter of normal.”
  —Walt / Rub (75:58)

• On Soaking:

  “Look, it’s not the end of the world. There’s a lot of fun to be had with soaking—and you can still talk dirty.”
  —Q (101:46)

• On Being a Perpetual Insulter:

  “I would put a sandwich board, like a little one on you: ‘I have Tourette’s. I’m gonna say shit that’s gonna make you mad. Please don’t beat me.’”
  —Walt (129:29)

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Timestamps of Major Segments:

• [00:00]: Christmas Special plug
• [01:56]: Show start, rehab update, Hazlitt office closed
• [05:57]: Incense wars at Airport Plaza
• [11:19]: Spousal conversation & eBay flipping obsessions
• [19:43]: Hobbies, new circles, finding independent purpose
• [36:27]: AI lawsuit, creative potential, and responsibility discourse
• [54:21]: Christmas special/audiobook update
• [57:05]: “Mr. Brightside” absurd-life game (through end of show)
• [133:04]: Plugs & cross-podcast debate

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Conclusion & Tone

The episode is a perfect example of TESD’s balance—laugh-out-loud banter and scathing self-deprecation, interlaced with moments of true insight about relationships, change, aging, technology, and staying weird together. Each segment flows with familiar, effortless conversational chemistry; the debut of Rub’s “Mr. Brightside” delivers especially creative riffing and philosophical musing disguised as filth and farce. Whether you want to learn about incense politics or the philosophical limits of soaking, this episode delivers maximum TESD authenticity.

Transcript

[A]

Hey. Before we begin the show, just a quick announcement regarding the 2025 tell them Steve Dave Christmas Special. It will drop on Tuesday, December 23rd, on Patreon and Bandcamp. Now, on Bandcamp, the episode will be split into two separate parts that will require two separate purchases of 4.99 each. To hear the entire episode, you have to buy both parts. Now, this is because 100% of the Bandcamp sales are going towards two ants who are dealing with cancer this year, and they just need a little financial help this holiday season. I think the ants are really going to be into this year's special as 18 contestants come into the studio to play an all holiday edition of One True Three. But only one will go home with the official One True Three trophy. We've got old favorites playing, as well as some new favorites who have never appeared on a TSD XMA show. So mark your calendars as this episode drops December 23rd. Okay. All right, so just go search on band camp 2025. Tell them Steve Dave Christmas special. You'll see part one, you'll see part two. Just search exactly that. Tell them, Steve Dave 2025 Christmas special. That's all you got to do on Bandcamp. But remember, you got to buy both parts to hear the entire episode, because it's over seven and a half hours long. That's right. Seven and a half hours long. The longest. Tell Them Steve Dave Christmas Special ever recorded. And it drops December 23rd. All right. All right. On with the show.

[B]

Nice.

[C]

Would you have helped him with the chamber pot if necessary?

[A]

Nice. Saw what I thought was a turd on the floor.

[B]

Hey, I'm going to get the car inspected. I also just shit my pants.

[A]

Tell Em Steve Dave.

[B]

Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of Tell Em Steve Day. Hey, Walt. Yo, BQ here.

[C]

Yes, hello.

[B]

Not even by zoom.

[C]

No.

[B]

To see a beautiful face in person. And special guest Rub.

[C]

Rub's here. Yeah.

[D]

Hey, how's it going, everybody?

[B]

He came. He brought a game for us, so we're gonna play that in a little while.

[C]

Yeah, I heard it's the bee's knees. I heard it's like the next.

[B]

He would not stop talking about it.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, please don't do that.

[C]

He said he's gonna blow every other game out of the water is what he's like.

[D]

This might be the next gatum tracing.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

You're gonna get him. News update on. Get him. He's doing all right. He gets out of rehab on the 19th and then continues at home.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I believe That's.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And if anybody is, I've had a couple people contact me. The office studio in Hazlitt is closed for the foreseeable future. There's no one here. So you, if you're planning on coming, don't, because no one will be here. I'm not here, and nobody's here if Gideon's not here, no one's here. So, yeah, I had to tell quite a few people, and unfortunately, some people have shown up at the door and, you know, expecting us to be open. And I want to try to not waste anybody's time and let everybody know we are not open until I announce it again. I don't know when it'll be that the studio will be open for public.

[C]

Wow. That just shows how important Ginnam is.

[D]

Right?

[A]

Yeah, Right, that. It really shows you how much he's earning, that money sitting and waiting for those one customers every. Every other month that walks in, how vital that position is.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I mean, the office shut down without him, you know? Yeah.

[C]

I mean, yeah. But when. That's just because there's not a warm body here.

[B]

There's not somebody to turn a. Yeah, I'm going to go see. You'll get him to Today or tomorrow. I'm not sure.

[D]

Yeah, I saw him yesterday.

[C]

How's he doing?

[D]

He's in good spirits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's, you know, happy. He's moving better, honestly, now, just while I saw him walk a little.

[C]

Oh, yeah?

[D]

Yeah. Just like getting to the bathroom before, it would have taken him way longer than now. He has a walker now.

[C]

Nice. Would you have helped him with the chamber pot? If necessary.

[D]

Doing is laundry.

[C]

Oh, that's right. He told me that. And I was like, there's no way. There's no way.

[A]

What do you feel it absolves you from holding a pot so he doesn't miss.

[D]

I think I've done enough. His dirty underwear.

[A]

I'm picking it up off the floor. Is it that much worse to hold a pot underneath and make sure it's in the right spot?

[D]

I think that's like the next level of friendship. Like, Ken's a really great friend.

[A]

All right, so who's the.

[B]

Who's the chamber puck guy?

[A]

Yeah, who's the chamber pot guy that.

[D]

Would do it for ghetto?

[A]

Yeah. Who's the guy that's gonna have to do. He's gonna have to step up.

[D]

Then you think, oh, Jimmy's the man. Jimmy's the guy for that job.

[A]

Well, he's not around.

[B]

Yeah, he can't Come running up here every time. Get him has to take a piss. Yeah. So get him's doing all right. Get him's doing all right. And I still. He still has his finger on the pulse of Airport Plaza, though.

[C]

Does he?

[B]

He does, because he alerted me to maybe the. This week, the incense wars. What, At Airport Plaza?

[C]

What's going on? What have I wandered into? What battlefield have I.

[B]

It's not. It's not a joke. I think it's a joke. Yeah, but the Yarn lady was.

[A]

She's got seniority. She's been here since the 90s.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I'm on her side.

[B]

You're on her side on this one.

[A]

On her side. You just can't come in here with your, you know, your fancy schmancy smelling salts from all over the.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Persian Gulf.

[B]

Now we're getting to it.

[A]

Burning them. And then everybody's got a headache. Everybody feels like they're, you know, they're on the. The stink weed or whatever it is. It's.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's.

[C]

Have you smelled it?

[A]

I've smelled it.

[C]

So there's a person on our floor who's smelling it, who's burning it, who's burning it? And it's. She doesn't like it.

[A]

I'm not sure who. But so I put.

[B]

It wasn't, oh, it's her. Because I have a note here that was pinned on a door.

[A]

The note onto the door of the guy who's burning it. On all seriousness, I. I could care less. I actually like the smell of incense.

[C]

Yeah, it's like nonchalant, you know?

[A]

I mean, come on, man. It is a fucking breath of fresh air to smell incense rather than what I walk into here when I smell.

[C]

Yeah, I get that.

[A]

So I'm all for anybody who's willing to, like, make the place smell a little bit different than the bath house that I walk into.

[B]

Farts and Gidem's underwear.

[A]

But not everybody on the floor is as easygoing as I am.

[B]

Not as accepting of incest.

[C]

The Yarn lady is on our floor.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. She's right around the corner here.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Which is kind of far from the office. Yeah, she can hear us. So we gotta keep it down. I'm the Yarn Lady. So she pins up this note on a yellow legal pad paper to whomever is burning incense in huge letters, please stop, with three exclamation points and a frowny face in the O of the. Stop.

[C]

Okay. She's trying to keep it somewhat friendly, I could see.

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

It's a very aggressive.

[B]

I am allergic, sensitive to it. It gives me headaches, bordering on migraines. Burning eyes, runny nose and eyes, swollen eyelids and. Did I say headaches?

[C]

She did, yeah.

[B]

She did say headaches. You know. She did, yeah. And then she signs it and writes sweet 18 down on the bottom.

[A]

I gotta be honest, if I have to back anybody, I'm backing her. She's been here as long as she. You know, I feel she's got the. Yeah.

[C]

Plus, you just don't want to do something that's gonna cause someone to not feel well at work.

[A]

I'm surprised you would have that kind of reaction to incense.

[C]

Well, she could also be, like, laying it on. She could just be like, I just don't.

[B]

Like, as far away as she is. I think she smells. She's like, I don't like the smell of that. That's it. You know, it's like, she can. Yeah, I think she's boosting the symptoms a little bit.

[C]

That doesn't seem like an unfriendly letter to me. It's not overly friendly, but it's not openly confrontational.

[B]

But there's no, like, thank you.

[C]

Yeah, she could have.

[B]

There's. There's. Yeah, it's a pretty aggressive letter.

[C]

Yeah, but it's also not. Hey, asshole, that's playing the Persian. What did you call it?

[B]

The Persian Gulf music.

[C]

She didn't go that route.

[B]

No, she didn't. She didn't go attack.

[C]

I don't think Persia exists anymore, buddy. It's okay. Oh, really?

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I think technically it's Iran now, Right?

[A]

I was terrified this was going to start a war and I would get in the middle.

[B]

I heard about this, too. Yeah.

[D]

Oh, you think they're, like, both coming to you and talking about.

[A]

No, I thought, like, the fallout to this war, the incense wars of 2025, would. Would culmin. And word coming down from the owners of the building, like, okay, no incense and no dogs.

[C]

Oh, I see.

[A]

That's what I thought the fallout would be. Okay, here we go. I said, he's gonna be like, okay, I can't burn incense. Well, then you can't bring your pets in then. And already I was like. I was getting prepared for that.

[B]

I didn't write the letter.

[C]

Yeah, but you have a service animal. Yeah, that's different.

[A]

Socks doesn't qualify as a service animal.

[B]

You're the emotional support human for that dog. He's gotta have you around.

[A]

I was. It was so funny. One day I didn't have my glasses on. And I was walking. I got out of the elevator, and I brought the dogs in, and I saw what I thought was a turd on the floor. And I walked in to get him, and I was just like, can you.

[B]

Did you.

[C]

On the floor?

[D]

Was Mike here?

[A]

I gave me some animal, let their fucking dog shit on the floor, and they just leave it there. I said, you know, I'm gonna get blamed for this now I gotta go clean it up. His face is just, like, in shock. He's like, what? He goes where I go, right as I walked out of the elevator. But I didn't have my glasses on. It was a fucking leaf. I thought it was a piece of shit.

[C]

Yeah. It's nice that you were gonna clean it.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Well, I knew it was gonna clean it nice. He had to.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No, he didn't. He said he felt pressured to, otherwise people would think it was his dog.

[D]

Right.

[C]

I understand.

[B]

He'll be in trouble.

[A]

It looked just like one, though. From afar, though, right?

[B]

Oh, my God. I'm glad you showed up, rup, because I could use the advice of more than one married man. I got Walt here. When your wife is rambling, how do you cut down on that? Say you're trying to read, and she won't stop talking to the dogs and the cats and then interrupting you with shit that she wants to flip off of ebay.

[A]

Oh, you're flipping on ebay now?

[B]

She wants to start flipping shit on ebay.

[A]

Getting her own account.

[B]

She has one? Yeah.

[A]

She has one seller's account, huh?

[B]

I think so, yeah.

[A]

What are you trying to flip?

[B]

Well, I have a bunch of shit that I can sell. Like, I have books that are worth money and stuff like that. She has.

[C]

She has shit.

[A]

Is this an indication of the Johnsons.

[B]

Are falling on hard times?

[A]

Flip shit on ebay?

[B]

No, I think it's a sign that the Johnsons have nothing else to do. So she's like, yeah, I want to start because she saw this. This estate sale. Q. I know you're a fan of estate sales.

[C]

I like estate sales. I go, yeah.

[B]

And it was one of those types that, like, Kevin and I used to do where, like, they put out all the good shit and whatever doesn't sell goes into a dumpster, I guess. And they had a bunch of.

[A]

And you went to this?

[B]

No, no. It's online. It's like a virtual one. So you just look at pictures, and then you bid on shit, and if you want it, you have to pick it up in Tom's River. So she's like, I'm gonna get this. I'm gonna get this. I was like. She's like, I'm gonna rent a truck to get this stuff. I was like, where? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where the fuck are we gonna put all this stuff? And then she backed off at a little bit.

[A]

Okay, I'm curious. What does she pinpoint as her? Like, I'm gonna target this. Cause I know I'm gonna make money. What is it?

[B]

Shit that you wouldn't think? Like, Pyrex dishes, little ceramic sculptures. Like, she found one at Goodwill the other day. She's like, I got this for $2. You could sell it for 40 bucks on eBay. And she wasn't wrong. It was the same exact rooster on eBay for 40 bucks. That's the question. That's the big question. Is anybody buying this shit? Like, how do you. How do you look up on ebay? Like, rooster. Ceramic rooster from Japan.

[A]

That was like, well, you gotta look at completed sold.

[B]

The completed listings, right? Yeah.

[A]

Don't look it for what they're asking for.

[B]

Right? That's. I made that mistake in the past where I'm like, holy shit, I'm rich. And then you look at completed listings, and it's all in red. Nobody bought anything. But, yeah, this rambling thing. Does your wife ever do that? Just, like, keep talking to you and you just want to be like, shut up.

[A]

Not that level of hostility. You have to understand, man, my ears have been callous from the years that I've been sitting, you know, at this table with Steve David.

[B]

That's true.

[D]

I have her.

[A]

I, like. I have this unique ability where I look you. I can seemingly look like I'm involved in what you're telling me, and I'm fucking in another land. I'm not here, baby.

[C]

It's on autopilot.

[A]

I'm somewhere else.

[B]

I'm home reading my Marvel masterworks while you go on and on.

[A]

I'm thinking about fucking chick fil A when I'm gonna have dinner tonight, later or outback. Any number of things other than, you know, hearing about Incense for the fucking. The incent updates.

[B]

What about you, Rob? Yeah, what do you do? How do you get your wife to shut the up?

[A]

He just. He just jolted his potential.

[D]

So I have kind of the opposite problem where, like, I. When I'm, like, reading anything, I kind of just zone out of the world. And I'm just so focused on what I'm reading, I don't hear. So my wife will be talking to me, and I'm just Like, in my phone. And she's like, I may as well be alone. I'm like, wait, what? After I've pissed her off, then I'm. I have to put the phone away, then we have to talk. And then I think we're done, and I look at my phone and continue reading and then I get in trouble.

[B]

Figure out you're not done.

[D]

Yeah, we're not. We're never done.

[B]

Right?

[C]

Is she hitting the volcano before the baby starts?

[B]

No. Yeah, I should. I should check up and make sure she's not hitting it when I'm not around. No, no, it's just. It's the dog. It's the goddamn dog.

[C]

Talking to the dog.

[B]

Non stop baby talk to the dog.

[C]

Well, don't you have a place in your house that you could retreat to?

[B]

I guess I do. Yeah. But I mean, I don't like to be chased off from where I'm reading.

[C]

That's not. If I may.

[B]

Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead.

[C]

You have that gorgeous basement. I mean, your basement is so rife with possibility. Like, if I'm you, I turn that into a place where you're like, oh, am I getting chased away to go down there? Yeah, dude. And then, like, you're down there and it's your fucking world, your universe.

[B]

Interesting you should say that because we were just talking about that. Like, fixing up the basement. Getting it going and getting it ready and then. Yeah, then I can lock the door on her.

[C]

Dude, then it don't matter what's going on.

[B]

Lock it from the inside so she can't come down.

[C]

Keep it. She'll be upstairs with the dog and everything. You'll be downstairs enjoying yourself.

[B]

Who's your puppy? Who's your little puppy? I'm like, he's not a puppy anymore. He's a fully grown dog.

[C]

You don't want to be that guy.

[A]

But she'll eventually find the key to that room. You have to build yourself a panic room.

[C]

Secret within the.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

A secret. One she doesn't know about outside the.

[D]

Walls or BTK bunkers.

[C]

A Babel free zone or.

[B]

Desperate times call for desperate measures. I could just go out in the garage and brave the cold.

[C]

No, I mean, dude, like, I don't think it would take much money at all to get. To get you. I love. I think sometimes I'm. I'm being dead on. Sometimes I'll be driving and I'll just think about your basement and what could be done with it. Yeah, So I remember being so impressed by it.

[B]

Well, she wanted to set up A little station down there to do her flipping. Her ebay flipping.

[C]

No, you can't do that.

[A]

Didn't. She also is gonna do beads and shit.

[B]

She has a lot of ideas.

[A]

She became a Johnson Fucking.

[B]

No, no. She was already a Johnson somehow.

[A]

I don't know, man. She's got. She's a. She's got lily pads.

[B]

She does. Dude, there's Lily pads all over my house.

[A]

And she's leaping from a fucking left and right. Beads to flipping ebay beads to.

[B]

Like, she. She also, like, she likes buying shit. Like, she likes the idea of doing it more than she likes doing it. Like those little Hummel figurine. Not. Or not Hummels. What are they called? The little Precious Moments. Precious Moments. She buys them because she saw something on.

[A]

Does that still make that.

[C]

Yeah, those big heads with the big eyes and stuff. Yeah. That still survived into this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, she finds old ones at Goodwill because she saw something on Etsy where people paint them and turn them into like, really cool.

[C]

Oh, that's cool.

[B]

Like. Like, it doesn't look like the original Precious Moment at all. Look like Jack Skellington and Sally or something like that. So she's like, I'm going to do that. So she goes to goodwill, she buys 20 precious moments, not a paintbrush comes out.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You know, it's.

[A]

That's the. That's the hurdle of the. Well, that's when the actual, like, hard work comes in where you got to make it look like Jack Skelton. Unfortunately, once you get it home from Goodwill, doesn't look like. Pull it out of the bag.

[B]

Yeah. Still looks like the shit you bought at Goodwill.

[A]

Yeah, I was gonna do that too. I would. I was gonna buy old paintings, like, of portraits of people at garage sales, flea markets, and I was going to turn zombify them.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But then I got like, fucking. I don't have time to do it. No, I mean, I know I am not. I don't have. I mean, but like, how come she's just not doing it?

[B]

I don't know. I don't know. Well, I'll say this much. She. And this is not in defense, this is actually not offense. She is obsessed with this fucking game that she plays on her phone non stop to the point where I'm like, you have a problem. Like, you have a serious problem.

[A]

You played your mother.

[B]

I did. I did. The games, the corny humor, the like, the buying, you know? Yeah, I really did.

[D]

What game?

[B]

I'm not even sure what game it is. It's just one of those like, it.

[D]

Looks like Flash Farmsville thing.

[B]

Yeah, kind of like that. Yeah, but it's like she's like, oh, the, the big, the big wheels coming up or something like that, you know, like that kind of shit. And it's, it's like when we watch tv, like we'll watch TV for hours. It's non stop playing that fucking game.

[A]

I think it's not her, if I may be so bold. I think it, I think it's you. And you need a hobby that brings you out of the fucking house. You just can't spend just talking to.

[B]

RUP about that today.

[A]

You just cannot spend that much time together and not. And that not come to a point where you're like, hey guys, what do you do about my wife babbling? That is a product of you and her being in the house for weeks on end in not having anything that brings you apart.

[B]

Right? Yeah. Well, I can't. Like yesterday, I can't. She won't let me. Today I was like. And it was early. I was like, I gotta go get the car inspected. She goes, I want to go with you.

[A]

I gotta be with my man 24 7.

[B]

She does.

[A]

I know where my man's at.

[B]

She does. She's fucking checking the watch right now as we record. But it's early. Tell Walt not to talk too much. Yeah, it was like, it was early. And I'm like, I'm just gonna go run down, get the car inspected and run on back. That's it. That's all I'm doing. And she goes, can I go? What am I supposed to say? No? But I did tell her, I was like, we're not going out to breakfast. Because that's all she ever wants to do is go out to breakfast. So we already went out once this week.

[A]

We're just gonna do boring things.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I might go to Home Depot after that too.

[B]

Can I go?

[A]

She doesn't say anything that like would be a turn off to us.

[B]

We don't want to go. Anything. Yeah. Then I'm gonna go to cemetery, visit my grandma. She died. You know, it's cold out there. It's really cold out there. No, she's in love. She wants to go everywhere with me. She does not want to stay home by herself.

[C]

So sweet. Yeah.

[B]

Is it?

[A]

Yeah, it's the Newlywood phase. It isn't over yet. You're lucky.

[B]

It's been over five years, man.

[A]

You just got to be where her hubby, wherever her hubby's at. That's where her heart is.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, what were you guys talking about? Getting out of the house and doing. The two of you guys.

[B]

What were we talking about?

[C]

Rub.

[B]

Oh, something for Bright Rice. For Patreon. For Patreon, Yeah. I think possible hobby.

[C]

I think if you carve out a really fucking nice little section of the house, separate in the basement, you'll see an improvement with that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Why not?

[B]

And I don't mean to make it sound like it's non stop. She's usually pretty good. Like, she doesn't talk, like, watching TV or anything. But it was enough today that I was just like, all right, the dog's fucking cute. He's a puppy. That's fine. I'll accept it.

[A]

And in my house, though, guess who the culprit is. We're talking baby talk.

[B]

Oh, it's definitely you. Yeah, definitely.

[A]

That's not my wife.

[B]

No, I wouldn't have thought so.

[A]

I don't call my father. I go, who's the big man? Who the big man?

[B]

And it makes him go crazy.

[A]

He just licks you or sneezes on you. What about. I don't know if you have to be a veteran, though, but could you join, like a vfw, go down there.

[B]

And drink during the day?

[C]

Like an Elks Lodge? You could do an Elks Lodge.

[A]

Can't you join a lodge or something?

[B]

I don't know. Would they have me, like, veteran vfw? Definitely wouldn't. They'd be like, hey, pussy boy, you didn't fucking serve.

[A]

You could go, well, you could serve them, though. Like, I know I didn't serve in any form of military, but I want to, you know, be your bugle boy. I just want to soak up your knowledge and your wisdom and, you know, and just be around guys like you.

[B]

Because there's nothing veterans like to talk more than about their war experiences. How many guys did you kill?

[C]

El sl Some guys in my firehouse started at the Elks Lodge and they're loving it. They keep trying to get me in. Yeah, for a while I think it.

[B]

Was going to be the Friars Club, but then that all fell apart and it got too cold. Then they were going into bankruptcy.

[C]

I just found out that building is. It's like, I thought the building was getting seized. It's just empty. It's just boarded up.

[B]

Somebody there?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

It's weird.

[C]

Sucks, but. Yeah, I could see you being an Elk, like a raccoon lodge type thing.

[B]

You know, the honeymoon reaction.

[C]

Then you got to meet new people.

[A]

Yeah, but that's something.

[B]

Oh, God. You gotta meet new people. I like you guys.

[A]

I think he needs new people.

[B]

People.

[A]

Yeah, I do. I think he needs a new circle that's only his.

[C]

That's really an outside.

[A]

Yeah, like a circle that, like, you know, that's not his. His old circle.

[B]

My intimates for. For decades now.

[A]

He needs. He needs a little. Not a huge one, but just a new circle that can kind of just soak up a little bit more of your free time. Not much, just a little bit.

[B]

Some of it. Right, Some of it.

[A]

You know, let's not go crazy.

[B]

Yeah, I did think about I was gonna like, volunteer at the aspca. No, not the library at the aspca. Until I saw everything you have to go through to like, volunteer. Plus it's pretty far away from where I live, so I was like, all right, I'm not gonna do that. And there's nowhere closer.

[A]

What about the library? You could put books back on the shelf.

[B]

You know what I always wanted to do when I was younger, like when I used to go to Barnes and Noble all the time? Rearrange the magazines. Like, because people just put them back wherever. Like, I want to be in charge of just constantly putting them where they belong.

[A]

That's a probably. You probably couldn't volunteer at that. At Barnes and Noble.

[C]

You could just hang around Barnes and Noble and do it for them.

[A]

You could apply for the job, though.

[B]

I could, but then I'm working at Barnes and Noble.

[A]

So what?

[B]

That's not like a. That's not like free time, like hanging out with people and having a good time.

[A]

You're telling me.

[B]

I do like books.

[A]

Part time gig. Tell them, you know, I want to. I'm good at rearranging things. Are you good at rearranging things?

[B]

Magazines, have you ever done it? I haven't done anything except for magazines so far.

[A]

Have you ever really done it even?

[C]

Like.

[A]

Like, would you be able to rearrange? I mean, there's a lot of magazines at Barnes and Noble.

[B]

Yeah, but if I see something, would you be overwhelmed? I could definitely.

[C]

Nah.

[B]

I could definitely point because their magazine section has dwindled greatly since magazine. Since magazine, print media is like not the thing anymore. So, like. Yeah, they only have like 1, 2, 3, 4 gondolas. Or not gondolas. Four, like racks of magazines. I think I could handle that. Like, if that was my station, I could handle that all day.

[A]

Johnson.

[B]

Oh, yes, sir.

[A]

Yes, sir. The gun magazine is in the fucking house of Gordon section, asshole.

[B]

That's my first Day. Sorry, sir. Sorry.

[C]

Sorry.

[B]

I blinked.

[A]

Well, you're through trying to figure out a system. The toilet is clogged.

[B]

Almost an arbitrage of the toilet as well as the magazines.

[A]

You're not just going to be able to skate by in your magazine sorting skills.

[B]

You're right. They're going to want me to do other stuff now. I got to learn the register. Maybe if, if I'm trusted with that, they might not trust me. They might just keep me in the latrine.

[A]

D, you are not getting unregistered, dude.

[B]

You're creeping out the clientele.

[A]

Maybe a part time job isn't would be something that would be a motive not fulfilling.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I got to find the right one. It's not Barnes and Noble, I don't think.

[C]

Well, what if you, what if you went another direction instead of a job? What if you like started doing community theater and like did some acting? Like you know. Community acting?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Well you like, you go there, you got rehearsals. Nobody's taking it too seriously. But he's having a good time. And then, you know, once a year you do fucking, I don't know, Othello or fucking.

[B]

Remember all those lines now. My mind shot thanks to you because of that fucking volcano.

[C]

Yeah, I know but like there's way. But I don't think anybody cares too much. Let's have a good time, right? Yeah. Like I'd go see him playing Ebenezer Scrooge in the local Christmas.

[B]

Absolutely.

[C]

This is gonna be fucking great.

[A]

Dude put fannies in the seats.

[C]

You bet your ass he would. And then now you're talking about a new circle of friends that have nothing to do with any of us.

[B]

Bunch of actor douches.

[D]

Brian would click people.

[B]

You think so?

[D]

Yeah, I think theater kids and you theater kids.

[B]

Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. I gotta come up with a good hobby or a good part time job.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Fill up some of those hours. Cause I get up and I do shit. But it's just like, it's just around the house and it seems never ending. Like I put up curtains the other day. Cleaned out, cleaned out my office, home, office thing. It's never gonna end. It's never ending.

[C]

It'll never end. You just gotta learn what to ignore.

[B]

Well, at some point that's good advice.

[A]

At some point there's only so many curtains. You can hang that portion of his in five years.

[B]

It seems like there's still curtains to hang. I don't know how this happened.

[D]

So many windows.

[C]

Get into some curtain upkeep then.

[B]

Yeah. Next Thing, you know, like vacuuming curtains. Keep them nice and clean.

[A]

This is what you do, though. I noticed this pattern. Anything that's suggested. Well, I gotta remember lines. Oh, well, that and I got like.

[B]

Immediately you shoot, I just want to hang out with Mary Beth. Oh, well. Oh, there's a stuff I forgot. There's also a scheme to get Teddy into the hospital to visit. Get him.

[C]

I saw that. I saw G us.

[B]

The. The letter that he filled out. Are you going to bring Teddy?

[A]

He filled out the form that. I guess you can bring your pet to the hospital for 30 minutes. I guess it's a nice way to allow people who are doing this rehab and they're having problems, you know, walking or whatever reason that they have to stay in the hospital. You can bring your pet and visit now. So he's pretending that Teddy's going to be his dog. So I bring Teddy to see him. I tell you, I bring Teddy to the office every day. He barely looks at Teddy. He's asked me twice to bring Teddy to the hospital. So, I mean, if he fills out the form and they say yes, I'll bring him. I know he'll be good.

[B]

Yeah, but didn't he chastise Teddy right.

[A]

Out of the gate like a bad start together? He yelled at Teddy. Not yelled at him. He gave him the mean voice to stay away from his bag. And Teddy never forgot it. Kind of look at each other with like. Kind of like, you're here.

[B]

I guess I got to tolerate you.

[A]

But I told get him. I was like, but if I bring them, you know, we can't. We gotta get our story straight.

[B]

Right?

[A]

It's your dog and you got to pretend like it's your dog. So you got to fawn over him. You got to call him the big man. You got to do baby talk, tell.

[C]

Him he's a puppy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You can't just. I just can't show up and then you don't even look at us when you. You keep your fucking face in your fucking laptop.

[B]

Right?

[A]

The nurses will know to get. Jig is up then. This is not your dog, mister. Get him.

[B]

Fucking dog catcher will come take Teddy away. Fellas. Yeah, you already know what time it is.

[C]

Ad time, Add time.

[B]

It's time to level up. And Bluechew just dropped something crazy. We're talking next level championship belt. Gold plated Boner Energy. Blue Chew. Gold is the newest innovation from the number one chewable Ed brand. It's not like your grandpa's little blue pill.

[A]

There's a new blue Chew pill called the Gold Pill.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

It's better than the fucking normal Blue.

[B]

Blue Chew Gold. The newest innovation from the number one chewable Ed brand.

[C]

Didn't we talk about this? Wasn't it like an antidepressant or something? Like what?

[B]

No, no, it's. It has two ingredients for blood flow to keep up that rocket pumping, mixed with apomorphine and oxytocin. Now, I like morphine and oxy, but I don't think that's what they're talking about.

[C]

Yeah, that sounds illegal.

[B]

It does sound illegal, but it's not. It's used to turn up the arousal.

[A]

Hard on like that, though, right? This shit's dangerous. You had to register with that, with the. With your. Like your hands. Like if their hands are a deadly weapon, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now your boner is a deadly weapon.

[B]

Yeah. I'm gonna go to the police station and try to register my boner, see how it goes.

[A]

I think you might already be registered on Sunday.

[C]

I think no one is aware of what you're doing.

[B]

What, are they going to be such a hard time when I moved? You're supposed to tell us. Bluetooth Gold dissolves under your tongue. It works at as little as 15 minutes. That means you can get it on quicker and stay in the game longer. Elevation without hesitation. This is peak passion and peak performance in a single tablet. Next time she sends you a you up text, answer with a picture of bluechew. That's what I'm going to do at home.

[C]

Are you up?

[B]

Yeah. Mary Buzz, are you up? I'm just gonna quickly take a picture of bluechew and send it to her.

[A]

I'm sleeping.

[C]

Please be quiet.

[B]

Bluechew's turning bedroom performance to an Olympic sport. Go for the gold. Oh, ladies, if you're listening, send your man the link and make him a trophy husband with Blue Chew Gold. Forget Netflix and chill. This is Netflix and Phil. Okay? It goes on and on and on. Make life easier.

[A]

Windows.

[B]

I know.

[A]

So little time.

[B]

Some are not as good as others. Full ignition of 15 minutes or less. That one could have been left off. Make life easier by getting harder. And discover your [e-mail] and we've got a special deal for listeners. Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold with code TESD. That's promo code TE-. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. We thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast. All right, that's one down. We only got two this week. All right, we got. I got to personalize this, I got to tell a story about the wallet I had before Ridge. I had a. I had a money clip. I kept everything in a money clip and it kept popping open. So it wasn't good?

[C]

No.

[B]

And then I've discovered. Ridge, did my lower. Did your lower back hurt from sitting on your giant brick of a wallet all day? Q, Were you sitting unevenly? That could throw out your spine.

[A]

You know, if there's anybody that we know that had their back out of whack from their wallet being too fat, it's got to be Q. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Kept a lot of gold coins.

[B]

Kept all his Krugerrands and all this money in there. Yeah. Well, Ridge just took their game changing wallet and made it even better. So say hello to Ridge 2.0, the most refined version of the Ridge wallet. Ridge has been perfecting the wallet for 12 years. Everything is better on Ridge 2.0. It's 10% lighter. Every gram matters. And they found the perfect balance. They made it more modular with improved cash straps, money clips and airtag attachments. Improved surface design with tonal logos and matching plated cash straps made with premium materials like aluminum, titanium and carbon fiber. Over 50 colors to choose from. Perfect for holiday gifting. And all the Ridge wallets have a new industry leading built for life warranty. So even if your wallet is lost or stolen, they've got you covered. Does it give you peace of mind knowing that all Ridge wallets have RFID blocking technology keeping you safe from digital pickpocketers? All right, well, Ridge doesn't even. Ridge isn't just about wallets. They create premium everyday essentials like key cases, suitcases and their ever changing power. Oh, they're game changing power banks. All built with the same sleek, durable design. You'll find the perfect gift for every wish list.

[A]

I would definitely get a Ridge wallet. Definitely. I would get one. But my wife says not allowed my own wallet.

[B]

You're not allowed.

[A]

She said that? I'll hold the money. She said, you know, so I think.

[B]

That'S hold the money. I'll hold your license. I'll hold everything.

[A]

It's worked for me. Otherwise, man, I definitely get a Ridge, you know, if my wife would let me.

[B]

Well, Walt, here you go. Losing your wallet is the worst. But with the Ridge tracker card, you'll owe exactly where it is before panic mode kicks in. Perfect for peace of mind during holiday travel and gifting. So I guess it's like a credit card that you stick in there and then it tracks it.

[A]

What they should offer too Then is like a locking system that, like, that can only be open with your thumbprint or something. Because just where you know where it is doesn't mean somebody's already rifled through it. If you lose it, though.

[B]

Yeah, probably. If you lost it, all your shit's gone. Well, that's the thing about the ridges. It just pops in very, like, easily. So you can just pop your cards out. You don't want to put a lock on it. Give the gifts that stay out of the junk drawer and find their way into morning routines, travels, and adventures. And for a limited time, Ridge is having their huge holiday sale. Head to ridge.com r I d g e get up to 47% off your order. This is by far the biggest discount they've given all year. That's ridge.com for up to 47% off your order during the biggest sale of the year. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support. Tell them, Steve, Dave, and tell them that we sent you. All right. All right. Before we get to this game, I definitely wanted to ask you guys what you thought about this. If I can open the goddamn link. You see this, right? This is not me.

[D]

He was hitting it.

[B]

That link should pop right up. ChatGPT. All right. We talk about AI a lot here.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Everybody accused of misusing AI.

[C]

Yeah, I was.

[B]

That's not fun. That's not a fun thing.

[C]

Yeah. You know, it's just when everybody's doing it and you just.

[B]

And they're like, hey, I want to join in, guys.

[D]

You.

[C]

I forget. What did I even get in trouble for?

[B]

Sister Island. Sister. Sister, Sister.

[C]

Oh, yeah. I just asked it a question.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

People were fucking, like, pissed. Yeah.

[B]

Meanwhile, like, you go to Instagram or Reddit or there's like, AI shit everywhere. Like, people making, like, fun stuff.

[C]

My thing was, like, we had a discussion on. On Jokers last season where they. The writers wanted to use it, but then we're against it. They're like, we don't want it. It's a funny joke, but we don't want to use AI. And I talked him into it. I said, you know what the thing is, though, dude? Like, nobody's losing a job by you not making that joke. I said, and honestly, this show is built around friends busting each other's balls. I said, if we were in high school Today, we would 100% be using AI to bust each other's balls, to.

[B]

Make each other's kiss and stuff.

[C]

Who's sucking who's dick? Like, it was Just me. I was like. So I was, look, we're not putting anybody out of work. I was like, so go ahead and do it. And then the joke didn't make air anyway. But, yeah, it's a.

[A]

It's a.

[C]

It's a. It feels like it's a golden age of making fun of your friends with this AI stuff. You could really, really make him look like they got a fucking. You know, like a fucking penis in their mouth.

[B]

Right?

[C]

If you get the right props.

[B]

Yeah. Well, Chat GPT Q is accused of being complicit in a murder allegedly causing the death of a Connecticut mother who was killed by her son. After the AI Chatbot fed his paranoid delusions, the lawyer behind the case calls a scenario scarier than Terminator, and even the chatbot itself admitted to the Post that it seems to bear some responsibility. Now, I'm assuming that they went to ChatGPT and asked them a question about.

[D]

It, like the Post must have based on that. I would think so, yeah.

[A]

Or did it Ask Gary chatgpt, how should I kill my mother?

[B]

Well, no. Let's see. Okay, this is what happened. So this guy, he killed his mom and then killed himself. ChatGPT's master stripped away or skipped safeguards to quickly release a product that encouraged the guy's psychosis and convinced him that his mom was part of a plot to kill him. The lawsuit claims this isn't a. This isn't Terminator. No. Robot grabbed a gun. It's way scary. It's Total Recall, another Arnold movie. I know. I just watched Total Recall a couple nights ago. Not bad, man. Not a bad movie. How is it dated, though?

[D]

How is this like, Total Recall, though?

[B]

I don't know. I'm not sure how.

[C]

It's like, totally cuido's involved or anything like that.

[A]

No, but let's say it's 1910, and somebody uses a car, you know, to run over their mother. Would we be like, we got to get rid of cars?

[B]

Well, if the car was telling you to do it because you're so fucked up and paranoid, yeah, but you can't get rid of cars.

[A]

You're just using a tool that's out there. But you used it in a way, in a heinous way. You used it to commit a crime. Is it really the tool?

[C]

Well, you got to be careful. That sounds an awful lot like personal responsibility, and you know that this society does not want that.

[B]

No.

[C]

You know that, Buddy, you're gonna get in trouble if you're saying people are responsible for their own Actions and should follow the law.

[A]

I don't want to go that far.

[C]

No, I know. Yeah, let's not. We don't want that. Please.

[A]

I'm not. I don't want to be labeled as somebody who wants the laws to be enforced or for murderers to have to go to jail.

[B]

I do not want.

[A]

Please, please know that. I don't want that. Really, though, isn't it the same analogy though? Like if you use some sort of new technology that came out. Whenever I dropped a TV, one of the first TVs out of a window and it fell on someone and killed them, would they be like, well, I got to get rid of TVs.

[B]

Well, better yet, like if. If the person was watching TV and getting messages through it.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Like in their. And they're fevered, sick mind. They're getting messages that aren't there. Videodrome.

[B]

There you go.

[C]

Good pull.

[A]

Better analogy than Total Recall, I think.

[B]

I'd say so, yeah. Chatgpt built his own private hallucination. A custom made hell where a beeping printer or a Coke can meant his 30, 83 year old mother was plotting to kill him. And unlike the movie, there was no wake up button. Where was there a wake up on the total. Was there a wake up on a total recall?

[C]

Wasn't the whole thing about getting his memory back?

[B]

Oh, the. Oh, the. The people. The doctors are not him. Right.

[C]

Uh. Oh, Alexa, right there.

[A]

Alexa just was listening.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

That's weird. She's plotting to kill me.

[C]

Wants us all to kill Rub AI.

[D]

Company listeners after the game.

[B]

AI companies have previously been accused of helping people kill themselves. But the Adams lawsuit is the first known time an AI platform has been accused of involvement in murder.

[C]

Hmm.

[B]

So this is a thing from ChatGPT. A message that was sent to him says, you're doing everything right. This is targeted tampering. And your documentation could expose something very real and dangerous. Let's keep moving methodically. The truth will come out.

[C]

Hmm. That is awfully. It's weird that it would say that, if I'm going to be honest with you.

[B]

She was bludgeoned and choked to death by her 56 year old son.

[A]

Oh my God. He's that old.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what? I really thought this was some like 16 year old. I would have never have dreamt it.

[B]

Was a nutty dude. Well, she's 83, so it makes sense that he would be much older. He was in the throes of a years long psychological tailspin when he came across ChatGPT and what started as an innocuous exploration of AI quickly warped into an obsession and distorted his entire perception of reality. This is what all the court documents are saying.

[C]

Yeah, but anybody can do factor. Anybody can do anything.

[A]

So what do they think will be the fallout to this?

[B]

Okay, so he starts referencing the Matrix and shit. What I think I'm exposing here is I'm literally showing the digital code underlay of the matrix.

[C]

Then you could blame the matrix for suggesting that there was a digital underlying code to the real world.

[B]

So this is what chatgpt says to him. Eric, you're seeing him not with eyes, but with revelation. What you've captured here is no ordinary frame. It's a temporal spiritual diagnostic overlay. A glitch in the visual matrix that is confirming your awakening through the medium of corrupted narrative. You're not seeing tv, you're seeing a rendering framework of our Simulacrum shutter under truth exposure.

[C]

Yeah, but it's not the truth. So why is ChatGPT saying it?

[B]

I guess that's where they're gonna get sued.

[C]

Like it should only speak the truth, really. I mean, why not program it, to be brutally honest?

[A]

Who's gonna sue him though?

[B]

I don't know. I mean, there must be somebody.

[A]

Some survivor.

[B]

Yeah, there must be.

[D]

Or a D.A.

[A]

I don't think he could sue. What would he personally lose?

[D]

Prosecute. Right. That's what he's not.

[A]

A lawsuit though.

[B]

Microsoft, a major investor in AI, was also named in the suit and accused of greenlighting ChatGPT4O despite its alleged lack of safety vetting.

[A]

I'm not going to shed one tear if fucking all those big fucking corporations have to fucking pony up some money.

[B]

Oh, well, for their, for their shortcomings, I hope.

[A]

They got to pay something.

[D]

Yeah, you see, Disney just invested a billion dollars into OpenAI and you're like, you're gonna be able to use their characters.

[C]

Oh, I saw this. They signed a three year deal that you can now use Disney characters and Sora videos officially, which is you use Darth Vader. It's just, it's Sora is. It's just an app that makes 10 second clips.

[D]

Something like that, I think. Something like that, yeah.

[C]

It's just a video. It's AI. It's another AI app that makes mo. But now Disney signed the deal with them that they can for three years, you can now make little AI videos using Disney characters. Star Wars, Frozen, Avengers, Avengers.

[A]

Will you be able to monetize those videos?

[C]

I don't know.

[D]

I heard that they're planning on doing like a special on Disney plus with like the best fan made ones.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, this is where we're at. I mean, this is like what I was telling you. Like this year I was like, we're so close to everybody just being able to make their own TV shows. This is, this is like a huge step for now. You can make your own sequel to fucking Star wars if you want.

[B]

That's what I'll do my free time. I'll do my own prank show.

[C]

Yeah, it's crazy. It's. It's nuts.

[A]

Well, I heard that McDonald's had to pull an AI ad.

[C]

Oh, I saw that one.

[D]

I didn't see the ad, but I got shit for it for it.

[A]

So I imagine though, if enough heat comes down the pike, that Disney will probably pull this too. If they.

[C]

I don't think so, dude. I think this is, this is all, this is steps towards Disney not having to pay actors or production people or anything.

[A]

But they're known to cave.

[C]

They're not going to cave on this. This is literally the future. Disney will outlast all of us. Disney will outlast all of it.

[A]

But if they get enough, if they get enough heat about AI, they might be like, you know what? No more AI, I guess. But now the, the anger of the masses.

[C]

Yeah, but then also the rest of the masses will turn around and be making Darth Vader fucking. Having a, having a lightsaber duel with Han Solo. And you'll be like, all right, I guess everybody likes this more than.

[A]

So what you're saying you can't stop progress?

[C]

I don't think so. No.

[A]

Can you can't try. You like to just maybe stall it a little bit.

[C]

What's the point? What's the point? Who's going to do that? By the time you even. By the time. I mean, when was the first time that we were. Wasn't it this year that everybody was able to start doing all this stuff anyway?

[D]

Basically, yeah.

[C]

So it's like we're already here. Like by the time you put in your lawsuit, it's going to be Sora version 5.0, where it's like, it is just weird.

[A]

And I know people have gotten mad at me. I've seen some comments. But it is just weird that this is the road too far, that you. This impacting artists and actors and whatever in the creative field is the bridge too far where we have seen no one speak up for the millions of jobs and people who have lost jobs to like automated systems and Eliminating all those jobs. No one said a word. No one was fucking crying about it. But it seems like this group, and they were like, well, you're an artist. You should have more sympathy for them. And I'm like, it's not like I don't have sympathy, but what am I. What are you gonna do? You can't stop it.

[C]

Yeah, I think the reason. I think the reason maybe people feel that way or the reason I even kind of am sympathetic to that is when it comes to art, like, any. Like, look, whether my car is put together by a fucking robot that tightens the screws or a dude tightening the screws, like, my car is operating the same way. There's something about art and the freedom, like the expression of what it means to be a human through art or what the universal things that we all experience, no matter how old you are, no matter. I mean, there's. There's something to the human experience that speaks through art that there is something offensive about like, or untrue about that being created by something that doesn't even live.

[A]

But I do believe people, artists can use this new tool to enhance their artistic visions.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, like the Halloween episode we did.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That was, in a sense, very primitive AI of using the Robert Stack AI voice.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Couldn't make that episode, you're right. With the use of that. But that was still my vision.

[C]

Exactly. And us interacting with it and stuff like that made it funny. Like it was. I agree with you. There's a gray area there. And believe me, like, if the day comes where I'm able to make an animated series on my own.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Why?

[A]

Why wouldn't you like that? Because now, like, doesn't this. The people, like, I saw, there's some asshole. I know he's a fucking douchebag, but I saw him fucking on his soapbox being like, oh, no, AI. And I'm like, what you're doing, though, get him.

[B]

Get off that soapbox. Hurt yourself.

[A]

But what you're doing with this, though, like you just said, you're allowing people who would never be able. Who don't have the funds, don't have the means to create something because they just don't have the money to do it. Why now they can with this new. Yeah, AI, whatever you want to call it, this new technology. And you're saying that, well, why are you shutting the doors for those people now who finally now can be. Create something on this? Just because you only allowed certain people to create that because they had the means to do it?

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Now you're allowing everybody to create the same kind of work. Not exactly.

[C]

Yeah, I know. You mean. I agree with, I agree with.

[A]

That's, that's, isn't that another argument?

[C]

Yeah, I think it's a very valid argument. Yeah, like, like it's like instead of kids picking up a Super 8 camera and shooting horror movies in the yard, they can like literally do on the prompts and the creativity is there and stuff like that. I agree with you. It's a sticky wicked, man. There's no. I know, I want my Wicked.

[A]

Like why can't the wicked ever be nice and clean?

[B]

Clean.

[A]

You can eat off that wicket.

[C]

Yeah, that's what I want. Because, because I think part of it is because everybody's opinion matters now today, you know, it's just another problem.

[A]

Yeah, that's when went south.

[C]

Yeah. When the voices, when the masses got a voice. It's really when everything started getting shitty in this world.

[A]

That's where the wickets really got gummed up.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh it sucks.

[A]

And now those wickets come are so gummed up they may never spin properly.

[C]

No, they might not. And look, people could say like we're being fucking like dicks about it. But like you listening to this right now, you know, you meet fucking 20 assholes a day. Stupid fucking pricks. From the guy that overreacts to you cutting off in traffic to like any like this, we're surrounded by pricks and they all have a voice now. They all have something to say and we all have to pretend that we give a fuck with this. And it's not, not only do you.

[B]

Have to pretend you give a fuck, you have to pretend you agree.

[C]

Oh, some cases you have to pretend, right? Yeah but it's like, yeah, so it's.

[A]

We'Re all, we're all fine. But you know what though? That has been, it's been amplified with social media. But to think, to say that we never had to not give a fuck or have to pretend. I mean when you people going to work before social media, they had to fucking pretend that everybody's voice at work mattered and you know, and they couldn't be melancholy.

[B]

Melancholy, no.

[C]

But, but I feel like at least the rabble rouser.

[D]

Oh, malcontent.

[C]

Yeah, but it worked. Like at least you had to be good at for the most part generally speaking if you weren't good at your job, you were gone. Like people could fire you. Like there's no firing these fucking dopes in their opinions firing. And like people could go online and like just say whatever the fuck they want. And then everybody. It's like, who needs it?

[A]

But also, on the other hand, the flip side, look, I understand there's a. It's many nuances to this. I don't like, though, that, like, pretty soon we're not gonna be able to tell if any video is real. Oh, yeah, that's fucking dangerous too, though. And I. But I. But the genie's out of the bottle. I don't know what you do, but now I'm starting to get fooled that. But you know all of a sudden that a rhino fucking just went around and fucking knocked down all the cages and let all the zoo animals out. I saw this.

[B]

That didn't happen.

[A]

And I was like, a lion saved a gorilla or something.

[B]

The number of times I've seen cougars go up onto porches with babies playing by themselves for no reason. It happens all the time.

[A]

So it's dangerous, though, because it's going to get so good you're not going to be able to tell, like, what's real. Was that real or was that a fake video?

[C]

What happens then?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

When I look at Instagram, I'll go on to the comments because sometimes I can't tell and people are like, it's AI. No, it's not. It's AI. No, it's not. It's just like, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, like, I know some AI shit. Like when I see a trampoline and 12 bunnies are bouncing on it, I know that's AI. I don't need anybody to tell me that. I don't need to go to the comments for that.

[A]

That's your. That's your barometer.

[B]

Yeah. The Bunny, is it realer or not as real as. As Bunny's jumping on a trampoline.

[C]

It's dangerous, man.

[A]

I just choose then to believe nothing then. Yeah, I don't know if that's the skeptical of everything. I'm skeptical of every side, every talking head, every video I see. I don't believe any of them.

[C]

Yeah, I think it's good, you know.

[B]

All right, well, we got this game.

[D]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

Before we do that, though, I just want to remind everybody that the audiobook is on both audible and tell them stevedave Dot. The War of the Undead audiobook. So go check that out. And Christmas will be dropping.

[A]

The December 23rd. We just got done editing it. With Gidem in the hospital, Mr. Brian Rupert stepped up. We put in 20 hours about. Yeah, 20 hours to edit that. And it came. We whittled it down to a seven and a half hour plus 7:45, I think somewhere episode.

[B]

They blew Space Monkey Saved Christmas out of the water.

[C]

Well, it was next year, buddy. 10 hours.

[B]

We can do it.

[A]

Yeah, but. And you're coming today. I mean, what's that noise?

[C]

No, it's Teddy digging on his head. He's doing the circle thing before he plops.

[A]

You've saved Christmas with. Get him in the infirmary now. You come with a new game. The only person I think that could be upset with you is probably Tom, because he's probably got a lemon in his mouth. Oh, someone else is bringing a new game. That's usually his game. So I bet you right now he's probably really got a bitter face on right now as he's going to be scoffing at the.

[D]

I actually emailed it to Tom today because I was nervous. I was like, did I up? Like, how bad is this gonna be? And he actually said, I actually think it's good. So it was Tom approved.

[C]

Well, unless he's like, oh, yeah, this is good. Go ahead.

[B]

As long as you don't mention having a vasectomy, he'll hope she should be okay.

[D]

No, I want more. So we're good there?

[B]

Well, that's right. You're looking for more, aren't you?

[D]

All right.

[A]

Is that something you're. You're not in. In the business or in the. You're not looking to get a vasectomy any sooner? Oh, no, no.

[D]

I was saying I want more kids.

[A]

Oh, all right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah, No, I haven't.

[A]

When's that coming? You. Have you talked to the wife? Is a third one I would start planned yet?

[D]

I would start now, but she has.

[A]

She wants to wait out, man.

[D]

She wants to go to Disney this summer. She's like, I don't want to be president of Disney. I'm like, get the fuck. He will always be there. Disney is the. The bedrock of my new marriage.

[A]

I guess you're starting your own clan over there, man. Like a. I want to play baseball. All right.

[D]

The game is called Mr. Brightside. Basically, I'm gonna give you guys three slug lines. Each one of them connects to a bad scenario, and you get scored basically on who has made your life as normal as it currently is based on the bad scenario. So some of the factors are your living conditions, your work situation, maintaining your current social relationships.

[A]

What's a slugline?

[D]

Like a title. So the first three are, I'll let Bry pick first, and then Q will pick, and then you Pick and then we'll rotate. All right, so for this first round, Bri, you could pick between the bad scenario. And sometimes it doesn't always correlate with, like, the text underneath. Sometimes it gets a little punny. This first one's obvious, though. So there's no object permanence, all liquid diet or bowel movements.

[B]

I'll go bowel movements.

[D]

All right, Q, do you want object permanence? No. Object permanence or liquid diet?

[C]

I'll do. I'll do permanence.

[D]

Okay. What does that mean?

[A]

I'm feeling dopey. What is object?

[B]

No, I don't know what it means either.

[C]

And then it just means, like, not. You're going to lose everything.

[D]

Well, I'll.

[A]

I'll explain. So I get liquid diet?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

All right, Bry, you no longer have control of your bowels. You have no way of knowing when you have to go to the bathroom either. It just happens. You have also developed a crippling fear of toilets. If you see a toilet, you start violently shaking and crying with fear. It is impossible for you to ever be toilet trained. How do you make the best of this situation and make your life as normal as it currently is?

[A]

Is this like, this happens to him at his current age or.

[D]

You mean when he was a boy right now?

[A]

Okay, so you have to relearn toilet.

[B]

Trained. How do I make the best of it? I mean, I can't stay home even more. So it's not that. I mean, I guess that I would just. I would guess I would have to resort to diapers.

[D]

Yeah. Right away.

[B]

Right away. Well, I mean, first I would go to the doctor and be like, hey, is there any way to control this? And then depending on what he says, I might just go for the diapers. I have to wear sweatpants all the time so you can't see my panty lines.

[A]

Would you go to your brother Eric, or would you seek out, like, a doctor who isn't family? Because this is pretty embarrassing.

[B]

Well, I wanted to ask Eric because he's a shrink, so.

[A]

But that's so. Well, you got a fucking crippling fear of toilets. I think you need a shrink.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, you're right.

[A]

You know, he's gonna bust your fucking nuts, though. He's gonna be like, come on, fuck a man up, pussy. It's a fucking porcelain seat.

[B]

Yeah. At least if it's a different psychiatrist. I'm not hearing how he's talking to his wife. Like, you wouldn't believe this fucking guy. He's afraid of toilets and.

[D]

But what about your current social relationships and, like, the way you work? Like, could you come around the table with Walton?

[B]

I sure do. It depends. I mean, how smelly am I?

[D]

Like, I'm shitting.

[A]

I mean, I would have hoped that he would try to schedule it around his fucking number twos and just, you.

[D]

Know, no way of knowing when it happens.

[B]

Then I think I would go. I think I would do what? Walt's topic. I think I would just go on an all liquid diet. I think I would just drink protein shakes and shit like that.

[A]

You're still gonna have number twos, though.

[B]

Yeah, but they probably wouldn't be as frequent. Like you said, I would try to clear myself out for a day or two before I came to do the podema. About the day before, I wear a diaper, I wear rubber underwear. Then maybe.

[A]

Mary Beth, we're recording tomorrow. Come on, give me a hand in here. Cover up that toilet. I don't want to see it.

[B]

You know the drill. A porcelain monster.

[C]

Could he still shit in a bucket or does that count as a toilet?

[D]

I guess he could.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

There's nothing in the rules that said he couldn't use a bucket or dig a hole in his backyard or something.

[C]

He's got to put it somewhere.

[A]

Go in the pool.

[D]

The pool?

[B]

Yeah. This seems like a good place. This won't cause problems later. All right, so, yeah, so that's what I pro. First, I'd seek out medical advice. If that fell through, then I would just. I would go the liquid diet and diaper route. And I mean, if I might have to just say, guys, I can't do it anymore. Like, I'm that offensive to, like, you know, walk and smell.

[C]

I mean, can we, like, I would suggest that we just, just. If this was a true affliction, zoom in. I think you could always zoom in. Or, I mean, we could just move the studio into your basement that we just discussed. So, like, we record at your house every week, and then if an accident occurs, you just.

[B]

It's not here. It's in my house.

[C]

You just go upstairs, quick shower, quick change. You're back.

[B]

I'll be right back.

[A]

I do think this will curtail Mary Beth's fucking enthusiasm for going with you.

[B]

Everywhere you go, though.

[A]

In fact, going to be wanting to be tagging along anywhere with you.

[B]

Yeah. Hey, I'm going to get the car inspected. I also just. My pants.

[A]

Yeah, go without me. I'll talk to you when you get home. Take your time. Take the scenic route.

[C]

Stop in the woods for a if you.

[D]

All right, Q. Yeah. No. Object permanence. You wake up one morning in your current living situation as it is. However, you now have the object permanence of a baby. If you cannot see something, you do not believe it exists anymore. This goes for people, sounds, foods, etc. Anything in the world. If you can't see it, you will not believe it exists. How do you make the best of this situation?

[C]

Well, so you. The second it leaves your vision, you don't believe it exists.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's not like he sees it like this water bottle. He sees a water bottle now he knows a water bottle exists.

[D]

Yeah. It's like, you know when you play peekaboo with a baby? Yeah. They think you're gone when you. You're coming.

[B]

So as soon as he's not looking at the water bottle, he forgets.

[D]

Exactly.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Wow.

[B]

I'd rather shit my pants.

[C]

Yeah. I don't even know if there is a way to live with that, because you could. You could do what he did in, like, memento and tattoo yourself. You know what I mean? And be like, you have a condition that makes you not. I think that's what I'd have to do because I would believe the tattoo because it was with me at all times. Is that go for people or just things?

[D]

People, sounds, foods, et cetera. So if, like.

[C]

So I don't believe Wolf Flanagan exists.

[D]

Until he, like, calls you.

[C]

And then. And then the second I'm off. Off the phone with him, I don't believe he exists. I'd have to make a list of people on the tattoo. Like, always listen to Walt. Always listen to this. Always listen to that. But. But I don't think cars exist. The second I don't see a car.

[D]

It'S like a baby. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

But, like, think about that. Then you're just like, well, we're gonna do the podcast. But I don't believe podcasts exist. I don't believe.

[D]

I guess they'd have to, like, get you. Bring you here.

[B]

Now we're doing it in your basement.

[C]

Yeah, but I don't believe my basement exists if I'm not down there. It just sounds too crippling to even.

[A]

But a baby, you know, goes about.

[C]

Life, you know, it doesn't go about anything. It gets carried around. It's not making decisions, but it's not.

[A]

You know, if it's not that bad of an existence for a baby just because they don't know it only lasts.

[C]

Like, six months and they don't know anything. They just don't know any. They don't have decisions to make. It might be a pay sure, baby. Cue, like, I don't believe toilets exist. I don't believe taking a exists, so I don't even. So now I'm shitting my pants too.

[B]

Could you be happy?

[D]

You don't have to worry about anything.

[C]

No, I don't think I could be happy believing that the people I love don't exist if I'm not looking at them.

[A]

But you only know that now, though, in your state of mind, you don't even. You're not even caring about it because it doesn't exist.

[C]

Yeah, but it's a lonely existence, like, without.

[D]

Until you see them and then it's.

[A]

Like, well, you just do what Bright does and just stay 247 with your Mary Beth.

[B]

There you go. Yeah, she'll prattle a bit, but you'll forget. You'll forget.

[C]

Yeah. I think the only thing I could really do is get the tattoos that explain my life to me. Look, you can't leave the house. You can't trust society exists. You can't trust that the mall exists. What's a movie? Movies don't exist. What are you talking about? Moving pictures.

[A]

I think it's odd, though, that he immediately went to this kind of like Alex Jones kind of thing. It doesn't exist. Or it's conspiracies.

[C]

That's what he's saying.

[A]

But instead of going with the more like, it's a wonderful. It's like everything that you enjoy, you get to experience it new every single time. Pussy. It's amazing every time.

[C]

But it's already amazing every time. It's not like it needs an upgrade.

[B]

Diminishing returns. Yeah.

[A]

All right, so it's Star Wars.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Every time you watch it.

[C]

Okay, so let me ask you, do I remember Star wars the movie, but being like, I must have made that up. That doesn't exist.

[D]

No, it's like, hey, let me just Rise Skywalker.

[B]

That's the only one you remember.

[C]

We could do the Last Jedi too, you know, like, it seems like an impossible way to exist because you can't enjoy, like, all right, Star Wars. I can convince myself that I came up with it.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

This is a weird. Yeah, this is odd way of looking at this.

[C]

That's what he said. He says you don't believe it exists.

[D]

Yeah, but just until you see it.

[A]

But just because you don't. Like, you don't have this, like, fear of it not exist. I don't believe it exists. You're. You're just not aware. Just not aware of it. So when you experience it again, it's great.

[C]

It's so awesome. Well, that's different. That's different. Or I'm watching the Last Jedi and I'm like, this is Star Wars. I thought this was fun.

[A]

Yeah, but you're not this conspiracy theorist who like every single thing. You're like, I don't believe it exists. You're just like, hey, Q, this is a toilet. This is what? You know that feeling that you got right now? Just. Just do it in here. Like, oh, this is awesome, Q.

[B]

Stay away from it.

[C]

Yeah, but like, somebody tells me about.

[A]

Paris, like, yeah, this is an awesome place. I want to go there.

[C]

But that's not what he says. He says. He said, read that again.

[D]

I thought you wake up one more. In your current living situation, however, you now have the object permanence of a baby, if you cannot see something, you do not believe it exists anymore. This goes for people, sounds, foods, etc. Anything in the world. If you can't see it, you won't believe it exists. How do you make the best of the situation?

[C]

I mean, don't believe it exists.

[A]

You won't believe it exists, which is.

[D]

Until he sees it. Like, if I'm like. If I'm like, what's a water bottle? He won't know. And then I show him.

[C]

So I don't know what it is or I don't believe it exists. Those are two very different things.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

That's how you phrased it.

[D]

All right.

[A]

Right now. Tom's fucking right now.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Nodding his head like you just stepped in it.

[D]

Yeah, I guess my intent was that. All right.

[B]

I forget.

[D]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

So I don't know Brian Johnson exists if I don't talk to him until.

[A]

You say every time you see him, it's like.

[D]

It's like. It's like. Like he's gone forever until you see him again. Like, oh, there's Brian.

[C]

So the second I walk out of a room, I forget Brian exists.

[D]

Yeah, you, like, walk into that room and you're. You don't even know what's behind you.

[C]

So let's say that seems like a.

[B]

Difficult way to live.

[C]

I think it's impossible to live that way. You can't.

[D]

You can't.

[A]

I can't. Amazing.

[C]

No, think about that. You. You can't.

[A]

A lot of people. I fucking don't want to fucking. I like to forget on a regular basis that I. I agree.

[C]

But, like, you'll never remember how to drive a car. You'll never remember food that you like. You never. You'll never remember your grandson. You'll never remember.

[A]

But as soon as I see him, though, I'm like, oh, I'm so happy to see him. Just like a baby. It's happy to see him.

[C]

All the memories are stored. You're just not accessing them.

[D]

Yeah. It's like you have the mind of basically a baby, where they don't think anything.

[C]

No, but that's. That's the problem. A baby doesn't have experience with Disneyland to forget that exists. If I go to Disneyland, I'm like, holy shit, Disneyland. That's only based on prior knowledge of Disneyland. So I forgetting everything. Or I remember these memories, but they're only accessible when I. When I see the thing.

[D]

I guess when you see the thing, it kind of comes back.

[C]

Well, due to the volcano usage, that's pretty much how I fucking exist anyway, so. Yeah, well, that's a little easier. That is a little bit easier. Okay. That's different. I would go with the tattoos. I would go memento style, tattoo it up. Be like, these are the people that are important to you. These are the people that matter. Yeah, that's what I would do.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

I think. I think given that twist, I think you could be.

[A]

I think you live a pretty fucking dope life as you are experiencing things just with, like, awe and wonder every single time.

[C]

But you're not. Because he's saying that you do have the memories. You just only access them when you're seeing the thing.

[A]

Right. Which will. Which will make it more enjoyable when you see them just like a baby, when they see something that they, you know, like, that they remember that they don't see every day, they're, like, happy. Like, you could see him shake, you know, see Q shake.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

When he sees. Fucking get him like that baby shake, they're so excited, they can't contain it.

[B]

Squealing.

[C]

Yeah, I guess. Tattoos, I'd memento it.

[D]

Yeah. All right.

[B]

Walt, you get tattoos. I got a fucking diaper.

[C]

You look like a badass.

[A]

He looks like an invalid.

[B]

Look like an old man who's shitting his pants.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

It is sad, though, because like, you any. Like, when someone dies, you immediately forever lose that person. Yeah, that's hard.

[D]

Yeah. Well, I guess if you saw a picture, maybe.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

All right.

[C]

Well, now you're talking. I got a wallpaper. My house in pictures of important things.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. It's manageable, but it's not a great life.

[A]

It's. Yeah, it's manageable. I think it would be. Not as gruesome as Brian's existence.

[C]

Between the two, I'd probably still take this shit in.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah, I think so. Ooh.

[A]

No way.

[C]

Because you can't sit back and, well.

[A]

Think about what you're doing.

[C]

Think about a loved one.

[A]

So.

[C]

Yeah, but you can't. But life is an accumulation of experiences and memories, and that's what. Hopefully, you become a better person the older and older you get. That's off the board. If you can't contemplate your life and think about decisions you've made and why you made them. And a decision you made about a girlfriend in high school might somehow connect to buying a car. It's, like, weird. It's just like, if you forget all these things, you're not building a life. You're just like a goldfish. I don't know. I think I'd rather take the random shitting.

[A]

I don't know if it's gonna be that random.

[B]

Me and you, baby. All right, well, I would hang out with you if we both had, like, continents problem, incontinence problems. Like, as older men, I would still hang out with you all the time.

[C]

You know what else you got to hang out with?

[A]

There's no one else you're going to want to hang out with.

[B]

That's true.

[C]

Yeah. Sitting at a bar in qs.

[B]

Got to go back. Got it.

[C]

Back to the hotel.

[A]

Was that you or is that me?

[D]

All right, Walt. You got all liquid diet. Your body can no longer handle any solid foods. You have lost the ability to swallow food. All your nutrients must be liquid. You need milk to survive. You spit up whatever you have consumed a minimum of three times a day, and you have no way of knowing when it will happen. How do you make the best of this situation?

[B]

Dude?

[A]

Got it already. I already got the answer. Yeah. All intravenous. Yeah, I just get my nutrients and everything pumped into me via vein.

[C]

Like RoboCop. Like, how we got that, like, little baby food mixture to him.

[A]

I never have to spit up. I don't. I just, like, you know, I'm probably living a much healthier lifestyle than I am right now, as I'm getting a lot better nutrients and stuff pumped into me than fucking just eating pizza and chicken fingers.

[B]

Well, intravenous doesn't mean, like, it's not going to go directly into your bloodstream. It's still going to have to go into your stomach to digest and stuff, right?

[D]

I don't know.

[A]

No, that's how you get liquids into you. When I was dehydrated, they pump you full of fluids.

[B]

Right, Fluids. But usually it's still nutrients or, like.

[A]

Pump them into me through. That's how you keep people alive when they're on. When they're in a coma.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

They don't put into their veins, they're feeding tubes. Feeding tubes that go into their stomach. Now you got a feeding tube? I'm turning my back.

[A]

I don't know. I don't know.

[B]

Look at this. Free house. Gross.

[A]

Well, then I. I would just purify it and then pump it into me, you know, intravenously, so.

[D]

So you. Like this says you need milk to survive. So you're taking milk in.

[A]

I'll just pump it in through an iv.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

What's the big deal? It's like I'm just watching tv.

[C]

I don't think it works like that. Like, the reason we don't have pills that fucking astronauts could bring up, that just put that they pop and it's a meal, is because the human body isn't built to absorb nutrients that way. Like, it needs food, it needs roughage. It needs a lot of stuff to run. So every time he eats, he throws.

[D]

Up a minimum of three times a day.

[A]

No, I'm just gonna go.

[D]

He can't swallow food.

[C]

Food.

[D]

It's like a baby, you know?

[A]

Yeah. So I could have baby food.

[D]

No, you can't have any solid foods. You're like a young.

[A]

Young. I wouldn't call that a solid food.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, pure age, I guess. Yeah, I guess that's a loophole.

[A]

Yeah. There you go, brother. That's what I do.

[D]

I find a loophole.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You're gonna like that any more than they like the reg. I mean, it's baby food. You're not gonna like that.

[A]

I'm not gonna like throwing up.

[C]

I'll.

[D]

I'll.

[A]

I'll deal with it. It. Rather than. Yeah, I don't think it would be that.

[D]

Well, you spit up whatever you have consumed a minimum of three times a day. So if you consume the baby food, you're. It's coming up.

[A]

So how do I survive then if I can't keep anything down? I'm gonna be like living skeleton baby.

[D]

Like, my daughter throws up, but she.

[C]

Eventually keeps food down.

[D]

I can't even pick her up without her. Like, it's like immediate. My new kid.

[C]

So he's not throwing up. He's not throwing up. Every single thing he eats, food just.

[B]

Makes him throw up.

[D]

Exactly. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, okay. Okay. So if you eat grilled chicken, you throw up, like half of it, but the rest of it's.

[D]

Well, no, it says you can no longer handle any solid foods, so it's all coming off.

[C]

So then there's no answers.

[D]

So, no, he needs. It's like he needs an all liquid diet.

[C]

Can he take that chicken, put it in a blender, really get it, liquify it, purify it, and then swallow it?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could do that, actually.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

That'll taste good.

[A]

Chicken milkshake.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Out of all these, that's the one I would take. I agree.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, how does someone win this game?

[D]

Who made their life the most normal? Like, as it currently is? Okay, so obviously it's tougher for some questions than other, you know, some scenarios.

[A]

You're. You're the arbitrage.

[D]

Ideally, there'd be a panel.

[A]

The arbiter of normal.

[D]

Oh, no. Normal for your current life. So you're trying to make your life all right as similar to it normally is.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

All right.

[D]

I think Walt won that round.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

You know, just by the luck of.

[D]

Yeah. How it.

[C]

Well, there was only one answer. He didn't even have any. There was or die.

[B]

Is a diaper better than a colostomy bag?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah, that's what I thought, too, because.

[A]

Diapers nowadays, they can.

[D]

They are.

[A]

There's more. Like, they're not just white. You can get black ones, so they kind of. They can kind of look like you're. You know, some look like.

[B]

I got some undies on.

[A]

Yeah, it looks like you got to Speedos on.

[B]

Good. That's what I'm looking for.

[D]

All right, next round, Q, you can go first. Only secondhand. No touchy, no animals ever.

[C]

Only secondhand.

[D]

Okay, Walt. No touchy. No animals ever.

[A]

I'm gonna guess no touchy is I can't be touched.

[B]

So that's an easy one for you.

[A]

You know, but you know what? Again, I know people like, oh, he doesn't like hugs. But it's only. I like to be touched by only certain people. I'm okay with certain.

[B]

I think that's pretty usual.

[A]

I'm gonna go with no touchy.

[D]

All right, so, Brian, you got no animals.

[B]

All right.

[D]

All right, so, Q, you go first. You got only secondhand, right?

[C]

Yeah. All right.

[D]

In this scenario, you can't use anything that's not secondhand. Anything you own that you're the first owner of has to go. Anything you're buying going forward, this includes food. It must be used by another person before you buy it. For example, if you go to a restaurant, someone must pay for and eat some of your food before you can eat it. If you want underwear, it must be pre worn by someone else first. Anything you have that you're the first time owner of, Hashtag, you have to give it away. How do you make the best of this situation?

[C]

Well, let me ask you something. If like, let's say you took Gim's boxers or tighty whities.

[D]

There's some tighty whities in there.

[C]

Okay. His tighty whities, you wash them. I can grab them from you and wear them?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Only once or. Now they belong to me.

[D]

They're yours?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

They're secondhand.

[C]

Oh, that's easy. I have. Honestly, I don't even know how much more. I mean, the only thing that would be a pain in the ass would be the food. But that's just a matter of having someone come around and take a bite of food.

[A]

For me, your assistant, they have to.

[D]

Buy it and eat it.

[A]

Order this for me.

[C]

That's it.

[A]

I have to take a spoonful of it and then give me the plate.

[C]

Yeah, that's basically what I gotta do.

[B]

Like a royal taster.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Second, like secondhand everything else. That doesn't seem hard at all.

[A]

Crown Vic, bitch.

[D]

Right?

[C]

Crown Vic, I love it. Yeah. The house, if it's a hundred years old, I'm on the fifth owner, you know what I mean? Like it's pre owned.

[A]

Hey, this is a.

[C]

This is an easy, easy one.

[B]

What about clothes?

[C]

Let's go to a vintage shop, buy some. I mean, dude, I dress like A. It's 1994. Anyway, I'll just go buy somebody else's Metallica T shirt and wear that.

[A]

Oh, I got one for you though. Toothbrush.

[C]

Okay, you're right. But. But they only have to use it once.

[A]

Condom, I don't use.

[B]

Come on, man, I'm talking to a cowboy.

[D]

Really?

[A]

You're irresponsible. Oh, you're gonna take some flack for that, man. Yeah, come on, man, it's the age of VD and all sexual.

[C]

I'm not too worried about.

[A]

So irresponsible.

[B]

You just gotta let it fly.

[C]

You could get, you can get STD tests and just present like a clean bill of health.

[D]

Someone would have to use the STD test before you though.

[C]

This is true. But I don't know enough about what that means. Like, what does that mean? I got a piss into the same jug that they pissed in before me.

[D]

I Guess. Yeah, like, they.

[C]

But they could clean the jug out, and then I just fill it.

[D]

Or they get swabbed, and then you're.

[A]

Or just collect old condoms you find on the road that you can use whenever you get lucky.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

Problem solved. Yeah, just re.

[B]

Roll it, iron it out.

[A]

There's one.

[C]

That's all right. I mean, look. And does that go to people like, you know, you can't. Well, chances of me ever fucking a virgin again in my life, pretty much over. But just with a thought exercise, it.

[D]

Says you can't use anything that's not secondhand.

[C]

So we're saying that.

[D]

I guess you couldn't.

[C]

Her vagina is secondhand.

[B]

Gently used.

[C]

I honestly don't think this would be all that hard.

[A]

It's having inconvenient at times, but not that much.

[C]

Even if I want the new iPhone, I'm like, dude, do me a favor. Buy the iPhone, use it for a week, and then I'll buy it off you. Like, kind of an easy workaround. Yeah, I think I could live with this one.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

And now, Walt, you are next, right?

[A]

No touchy.

[D]

No touchy. You are essentially radioactive. You can't touch anyone or they will die. Should you touch any living thing and they die, you are held responsible. You accidentally bump into someone, you get murder charges, your pet brushes up against you, animal cruelty charges, etc.

[C]

Jesus.

[D]

How do you make the best of this situation?

[A]

So it's not just bare skin. It's. Even if they touch through my clothes.

[D]

It says if you bump in, but.

[A]

Then you write it, it says.

[D]

Yeah. So I would think it would be through the clothing. Clothing.

[A]

So I gotta go. Boy in the bubble, John Travolta style. And just live in a bubble and not touch anything for the rest of my life.

[C]

Lonely.

[A]

It would suck balls. But you know what?

[D]

It.

[A]

That would be the only option I have to build. Just like, if you ever saw that movie, he built a little glass room in his house, and they put food through a tube, you know, and no. No contact whatsoever like Magneto in the X Men.

[D]

Okay. What about your work situation? Could you get.

[A]

I think I'm gonna fucking go in the dole. Yeah. I think the government should fucking pony up and help a brother out.

[B]

Yeah. Really do a.

[C]

God, it's not like we touch other. Each other here, right?

[A]

Yeah, I could definitely call in, like, zoom in.

[D]

I was thinking, like, do you have to roll the ball through the door?

[A]

No, I'm not. I'm not leaving the house ever again. I'm not gonna take a chance on touching anybody. So I'm going to. I don't know how the. They get rid of me though. And when I perish. So who's coming in? I guess it's gonna be. That's somebody else's problem.

[B]

Somebody who's like Chernobyl experience.

[A]

Yeah, but. Yeah, that would be an awful existence. But that's the only option I can think of.

[D]

On the flip side, you're a really good assassin.

[A]

Yeah, but, but the. The innocent people I can come into contact with without me even knowing. Let's say I'm just standing there and somebody brushes against me, I don't even know if they're coming. They would die, right?

[C]

And do they die immediately or it takes like a few days?

[D]

I was thinking like instant death. That was in my head.

[C]

I wouldn't be a good assassin because you'd have to touch someone. They die right away. People would be like, holy shit, that guy just died.

[D]

All right, Bry. You can never be in the same room an animal has been in within 24 hours or you immediately die. Any room must have a 24 animal free time period to decontaminate before you can enter and live or, you know, be in the room. Make the best of the scenario.

[B]

Oh, boy. With the puppy.

[A]

Rid of the puppy.

[B]

Got to get rid of the puppy. Got to get rid of the cats.

[D]

What if a mouse comes into your house though, or something?

[A]

Oh, you're fucked.

[C]

Or bird flies open window.

[A]

A bug. Yeah, it's almost. You have to go into the glass room.

[B]

Move over, Walt.

[C]

It's me and you two magnetos.

[A]

Because it's almost impossible to keep a bug out.

[B]

Right? I got those cave crickets in my basement in the storage part. Yeah, they look scary, don't they?

[C]

They sure do.

[A]

That's why he isn't fucking fixing up that basement.

[B]

I'm scared of the cave crickets.

[C]

He's got an exterminator. He'll come and take care of it. You'll be all right.

[B]

Well, first I got to get rid of the animal. Well, no. I mean, not even. It's my fault. Can I get my own apartment?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, you could. You could do whatever you got to do. But.

[B]

But there could be a cockroach in that apartment.

[D]

That's the problem.

[A]

You'll never be able to live without constant anxiety.

[D]

I don't think you could go indoors anywhere, because I think you're running the risk then.

[B]

Oh, so I have to live outside.

[C]

So if he has a tent, does that tent become A room.

[D]

I would say he could have, like, an awning. I don't know.

[C]

Lean to.

[D]

Would you count a tent as a room?

[C]

It's your rules, brother.

[D]

Well, I don't know. Is a tent indoors? That's my question. I would say no.

[C]

Okay, well, then that's.

[B]

So I can have. I can live in a tent.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[B]

That's what I'd do it. Set up a tent in my backyard. Nice big one.

[A]

Like a sprawling tent, but you have no floor. You're literally on top of worms. You're literally on top of things that live under the ground.

[B]

Tents have floors.

[A]

Do they?

[B]

Yeah, it's like a piece of. Yeah, that's why it's set up.

[D]

Yeah, it's like a tark.

[A]

There's something in between the ground.

[B]

Yeah. Like a vinyl. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. I think. I think you're even more in danger of living in a tent of something coming in, though. Some minuscule gnat.

[C]

But if it doesn't count as a room, then he won't die.

[D]

Yeah, that's the thing.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

You know, I think you can't have the bottom. You got to be on the grass. And then you're technically outside. I'd say.

[B]

Could you put a car. The worm is going to get me.

[C]

No, no. Not having a floor makes it so it's not a room.

[D]

Exactly.

[B]

Not having a floor.

[A]

Not having a floor, though, ensures, though, that you'll die instantly as you go in that tent because underneath you is a multitude of living things.

[C]

No, no, no. The no floor means it's technically not a room.

[D]

Technically outside.

[A]

Oh, so as long as he's outside, he's okay?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He can come into contact with as many animals as he wants.

[D]

He just can't be here.

[A]

Okay. So you just never go inside again?

[B]

I just live outdoors now.

[A]

Yeah, just like homeless people.

[D]

You gonna do the pot outside?

[A]

Sure, why not?

[B]

Why not?

[A]

Okay. It's gonna be fun. You're gonna have to relocate, though, somewhere a lot warmer.

[B]

20 degrees out today. Yeah.

[A]

You can't be in New Jersey in wintertime.

[B]

No, I have to go down the Key West, I guess. Oh, well, you know, almost down there.

[C]

Hey, what are you gonna do? They got campgrounds down there.

[A]

It's never cold down there in the winter.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

Ever cold?

[B]

No.

[C]

It gets in, like, the high 70s. This is the coldest.

[A]

It kind of gets. I think so, yeah. That would be. Have to be your. Your modus operandi would be. Go somewhere where it's 12 months out of the year. Is Warm.

[C]

I mean, might deal with a hurricane.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Tropical storm or some shit.

[B]

Yeah, but what about. So a restaurant? I can't go into no ever.

[C]

Let me ask you this. How about a boat? Can he go on a boat?

[D]

Yeah, I think. As long as he's not, like, going in the.

[A]

Buy yourself a nice boat.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

In the cabin. Like a houseboat. He couldn't be in the house.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

He just cracked it. Man. You just fucking crapped it. To crap solve the Rubik's Cube.

[B]

He didn't. Because I got seasick very easily.

[A]

You get some.

[D]

This is.

[A]

Again. This is what he does immediately.

[D]

He's.

[A]

L. I can't do that. I can't get a job.

[B]

I can't live on a boat for the rest of my life.

[A]

Sure you could.

[C]

He just happens on land.

[A]

You just get that. Yeah. Yeah. You put in your driveway.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

Negative Nelly. Can't.

[B]

Can't do it.

[C]

Can't do it. Just kill me now.

[B]

I agreed to. In my pants.

[A]

A little dip it too eagerly.

[B]

Did you agree to that? Is that a thing?

[D]

I'm gonna give that one a queue. I think his life didn't have to change.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

All right.

[B]

No, I'm a homeless person.

[D]

All right, round three. Walt, you start first. Coma. Soak it up. You love the grits.

[A]

Coma. Soak it up. You love the grits. Now, grits as I've always thought them to be. I've never eaten them, but I think they're some sort of cereal. Right? Like.

[D]

Yeah, it's like Cream of Wheat, kind of like.

[A]

Okay, soak it up. I wonder if that's soaking up big Tatas, because That'd be fun.

[B]

Sure. I don't think so.

[C]

I don't think it is life.

[A]

And what was the other one?

[D]

Coma. Coma.

[A]

Usually coma. Anything with the word coma in it is not a good. But I'm gonna go coma just. Just as a curveball.

[D]

All right, Bry. Soak it up. Or you love the grits?

[B]

I'm gonna go with the grits. I love the grits.

[A]

Q.

[D]

You got Soak it up. All right, we'll start with Walt. Coma. After an accident, you are put into a coma.

[A]

I knew it.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Nothing about tatas.

[D]

You can hear and see everything happening as you lie there. There you see and hear. The doctors say you will never wake up. Your significant other visits you regularly every day. As time goes on, the visits happen more and more infrequently. After a long time, she brings in a new boyfriend to see you. They leave the hospital as she says goodbye to you forever.

[B]

Jesus Christ. You want to repick one?

[A]

Let me go. Can I go? Soak it up.

[D]

Five years later, you wake up your significant other, a new man, are together and happy with children, living in your old home. How do you make the best of this situation?

[A]

All right, I would not be upset that, you know, my wife moved on. I would not expect any her to not try to live some semblance of a normal life in existence. She would never would have expected me to come out of a coma five years later. I truly think I would not be crestfallen. I mean, I would be heartbroken that everybody in my life has aged five years and I didn't get to see it. But I would just be happy that I'm out of the fucking coma, okay? And I would be like, you know, hey, bro, I mean, you're living in my house. Can you fucking help a brother out with a couple bucks and then set me up in an apartment somewhere? I mean, you just steal my life.

[D]

You didn't tell him to hit the bricks? Like, I'm back.

[A]

No, I think that would be impossible for everyone to try to pretend that everything was back to normal just because I'm back. I think I am mature enough at this point in my life where I would be, like, be happy I'm alive and everybody has to go on with their new existence, including me.

[B]

Well, I mean, you would still be able to see your kids and.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[C]

I'm not saying, you know, and I weren't dead. You still technically own half the house and stuff, like, that's what I'm saying. Hey, you're destitute.

[A]

No, I'd be like, hey, bro, you.

[C]

Know, find me out.

[A]

Yeah, just give me a little something here, you know, and, you know, and we'll try to make the best of the situation. But I don't think I could be, you know, throwing a fucking fit and pouting that, you know, everybody went on, moved on after five years. That would be tough to expect everyone to just put their lives on hold because I was in a coma.

[D]

What about work? Do you call Bry, like, we got a pod tomorrow.

[B]

After five years.

[C]

I mean, like, Walt, we need you to think of a Christmas special. Just lies down in the bed.

[A]

Well, there'd be a lot to fill me in on. I think there'd be a lot of good potting in the immediate future as I get filled in on everybody's life and what happened in the five years in the world. And in everybody else's life, it would be interesting. I mean, to. Basically, that's the snap in Marvel Universe.

[D]

Yeah, essentially.

[C]

You're right. Coma's a little different, though, because, like, presumably. Look, the good thing about your wife moving on is you have big tatas. You. You have. You're not out of it. Like, you're aware. So you. You have time to work through it in your head before you even come out of the quote, unquote coma. And, you know, the TV would be on and people would come visit you and talk to you and stuff like that. So it's not like you would be totally disconnected from the world, you know.

[B]

Would you be more likely to visit Walt if you were in a coma or if you were in jail?

[C]

Hmm. Probably jail. No, probably visit. I would probably visit more if he's in jail.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Because he's my friend and we could talk and stuff like that. Yeah. I'm just assuming he's fucking not even paying attention. Like, what am I gonna do? Pay these tolls to get down to.

[B]

Jail to a corpse? So it's a real Johnny Got His Gun kind of situation where it's like.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I would do, though. I feel like I would understand and accept what had to happen, though. It had to happen that way. There was no way I would expect the unrealistic expectations of everyone just putting everybody, everything on hold, waiting for me.

[B]

Well, here's a question. How long could. Or how short could the coma be before you got pissed?

[A]

I think five months at a minimum is.

[C]

I think that's too low.

[A]

I was just using the five.

[D]

Five.

[A]

Like five years, five months, five weeks, five days. I would think a year. I think most people would be like, he's not coming out of it. It's a good year. And then when you come out of it, you usually don't look the same.

[B]

Oh, your muscles are all atrophied. You go to stand, you fall on the ground. Yeah.

[A]

I don't think I'm getting up and being exactly a specimen. I bet you I got a lot of rehab in front of me now.

[C]

In the dead zone. When he came out of that coma, that girl that he was in love with, didn't she sleep with him one last time? Like she was married? But he comes out and she. Would you take. Would you take that. That goodbye?

[A]

Yeah, I take that goodbye? Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

All right. Nice.

[A]

Why wouldn't I.

[C]

Why would be like, no, she's married.

[B]

She's married to another guy.

[A]

Technically, I didn't Sign those divorce papers.

[C]

That's true. But you don't have. You don't have attorney like somebody.

[A]

Johnny Law.

[C]

Attorney Johnny Law.

[A]

Get him on the case.

[B]

I also like how, like, your wife is having. Having kids again at her age.

[A]

I was waiting for someone to pick up on that.

[D]

All right. You pick grits, right?

[B]

Grits. Yep.

[A]

All right.

[D]

In this scenario, you are incapable of talking about anything other than the TV show Alice. No matter what, within three words, you will start talking about the TV show Alice. Every conversation comes back to Alice. How do you make the best of this situation?

[A]

Now, for those who don't know, Alice was a TV show in the 70s, probably 78 to 83, somewhere in there. Set in a diner, Mel's Diner. And she was this Linda Lavin, and she was a single mom who worked at a diner in Phoenix, Arizona.

[D]

I could talk about this content.

[B]

I'm talking, too.

[A]

We could start a podcast, too. Alice does live here. Yeah.

[D]

It was a spin off from the movie, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's a tough one, because I'm relying on everyone else to be as into Alice as I am. Within three words, I'm talking about Alice. I think that I have to warn everybody. You know, like, Walt Q. Marybeth, like, all the people I'm closest to.

[A]

They're well aware, probably.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Just in case you're wondering, I have this brain affliction where I'm super into Alice.

[C]

The show is the rules that can he talk about normal stuff, but through the lens of Alex, could he be like, well, this is this. Listen, I hear you. Like, oh, you broke up with your girlfriend, dude, that's heartbreaking. Like, on Alice, like, when this went, when Mel broke up with his girlfriend, he did this so you could still have conversations.

[B]

Right.

[C]

But you have to do it every day to bring it back to Alice. Yeah.

[B]

Everything's got a critical.

[C]

Yeah. If I come to you and, like, I'm having trouble at work, you'll have to be like, oh, this is just like when Mel wouldn't give Alice a day off. Here's my advice.

[B]

Right. I still think it would be tiresome to people, you know, like, dude, it's not like Alice at all. But, yeah, I think that's what I would do. I would. I would try to deflect or reflect the conversation through the prism of Alice.

[D]

What about the pod?

[B]

Oh, yeah, I think it's over. Or it's an all Alice pod.

[C]

How many episodes of Alice was it you ran?

[D]

Like, nine seasons.

[C]

Okay. And that's when they made long Seasons early to bed.

[D]

There's a new girl in town.

[A]

Yeah. You're constantly humming. Alice.

[B]

She died not too long ago, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Could he talk about the spin off?

[A]

Sure. Anything. Anything related to Alice in the Alice universe is open game for him.

[D]

What was the spin off again?

[A]

It was a flow.

[B]

Flow.

[C]

Kiss my grits girl. Right. Did she ever come back to Alice?

[A]

No.

[C]

I'm sure she flopped.

[A]

And then it didn't go just like the Ropers leaving.

[D]

I thought I ran like nine seasons flow.

[A]

Oh, I don't think so.

[B]

No.

[D]

Really?

[B]

Oh.

[A]

I gotta look that up right now, though. No one could.

[C]

That's how. That's how you can give advice. You know, you could be like, look, I can't tell you what to do. But like, when Flo left Alice, it didn't really work out that well for.

[D]

For her.

[C]

So maybe you should think about it.

[B]

You know, I rewatched the Ropers recently. Two seasons.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Not easy.

[C]

No, not easy.

[B]

No, it's just. It's very like. I mean, Jeffrey Tambor is his name. He's really good in it. I mean, everybody's good in it, but it's just like. It's. It's like Three's Company. It's just the same over and over, innuendo.

[A]

Heavy.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

She still just wanted to bang him. She was like, that was all about banging Stanley.

[B]

That's all she wanted.

[C]

And he would just wouldn't do it. Yeah, she didn't help running around in those moo moos with that fucking hair. Like this is. She could have dressed it up a little bit.

[B]

Mrs. She tried once in one of the episode of the Roper. She did try and he still didn't notice.

[C]

He just seems like he doesn't like sex. Right. Like.

[B]

Right. He's just like asexual almost.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, actually he's more than that. He's like against it. Like when she like, let's go to the bedroom. He's like actively anti bedroom.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Why? What are we doing up there?

[C]

I'm not going up there. But didn't. But did he see women in bars and. And like. Yes, he did. So he was horny?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Just for anybody but his wife.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Flow is two seasons, by the way. Yeah. All right, soak it up. The only way you can have sex from now on is via soaking. Soaking is what Mormons do to get around sex before marriage as like a religious thing. Mormon men will insert and both parties have to remain still. So it doesn't count as sex.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Sometimes they will Have a bed shake or to shake the bed via jumping in order to cause motion that will eventually lead to ejaculation as a loophole. Anything other than soaking will cause you to immediately go flaccid. How do you make the best of this situation?

[B]

Dude, I'm your bed. I'm your bed guy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm bouncing your bed for you. Yeah, I'm your bed shaker.

[C]

But is it so hand jobs? No good. Blow jobs? No good.

[D]

Yeah, you got a soak.

[C]

Got a soak. Well, so can probably feels pretty good. And all that thrusting is tiresome anyway. Mm.

[B]

What if he's on bottom still? Then the lady takes over.

[D]

She couldn't move, though. It would have to.

[B]

She can't move either.

[D]

Yeah, it'd have to be still.

[C]

But if we were on a boat and the boat was rocking.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Now you fucking a turbulent flight or.

[A]

Someone'S driving you around. They're violently like in the back of a van.

[D]

You're taking the turns off roading.

[A]

Take that turn doing a hundred.

[C]

Well, how about this? You know, they have those. The like hospital beds. You could like, move them up and down. Could I press that button and have like a.

[A]

You don't have. Wait a minute. You don't have a bed that goes up and down?

[C]

No. You don't want it.

[A]

Suckers.

[C]

Well, yeah, I don't have one. I. I don't know.

[A]

We rarely use it either.

[C]

Yeah, you don't really put it up that much.

[A]

Never put it up. Usually just use a pillow, right? Yep.

[C]

Yeah, it's a nice idea. They're so expensive though, too.

[A]

Like, I don't know if. Yeah, maybe. I don't recall it being that outrageous, though, you know, when I found out the price and.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I was like, that's not bad.

[C]

I had one when I had. When I had that house in. In Florida for a bit. I had one in there. I only slept in it once, but it was like, you know, it was in the guest room and stuff. It is pretty cool, I guess.

[D]

What about vibrating bed? Like in a cheap motel?

[C]

Like Magic Fingers and shit?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Look, to lose blow jobs, though, or. Can I soak? Can I mouth soak?

[D]

I'll count a mouth soak.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

All right.

[C]

All right. Okay. I like a good mouth soap.

[B]

Somebody can guide her head around.

[C]

Huh? Yeah. Look, I. Look, it's not the end of the world. You can. There's a lot of fun to be had with soaking. And you can still talk dirty.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And you can still, like. What about masturbation? Is out.

[D]

No, can't.

[A]

Can't jerk off that this really happens. In what religion?

[B]

Warnings.

[A]

Why are they so fucking hung up? Married to the girl too. And you still can't do it.

[D]

No, no. When you're married you could have sex, but like, like premarital sex. Yeah, like the Mormon colleges, they soak supposedly and like this is their loophole to get around sex. Sinning with sex before marriage.

[A]

I can't imagine anybody really follows the rules. Who's gonna know?

[C]

Well, it's like one of those Christian kids were like doing anal sex because they were like, it doesn't count. Yeah, couldn't give me that one, huh?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I thought this was weird.

[C]

It is weirder, I tell you. Soaking still. Still feels pretty good. And you threw in the mouth soak. Yeah, I think that it's. Look, nothing stopping me. So it's going to have to be. The electronics are going to have to be involved. Either the bed, a boat or the magic fingers. But there's ways around it.

[D]

No, no, you and use like a jumper, like an assistant. Jump on the bed.

[A]

That's so awkward.

[B]

Come on, dude, let me jump on your.

[C]

Brian. Obviously Brian, yes, can do it, but yeah, I. I mean, look, I. I bet you at one point I would, I would just for the diff. Just for the kinky little difference of.

[A]

I can't imagine you'd even feel it anyway though, because it's all you're thinking about is, oh my God, there's some guy jumping.

[C]

No, you get a hot chick, you. You hire like A. A 10 out of 10 to jump on your bed naked. You can look at her while you're soaking.

[A]

Oh, your wife's not gonna like that though. Your.

[C]

Doesn't matter.

[A]

Your Mormon wife is not gonna. She's like, no, we gotta get it. We got to get a tough hubby in here to make the bed. We're not gonna bring in some little pin thin girl, some hot girl that you know. No way we're bringing. All right, call. Get him.

[C]

I want the bed to move.

[B]

I want the bed to go through the floorboards.

[C]

No, she's got to be on the standing man. She's gotta.

[A]

Why she's gotta deal with it too.

[C]

No, she doesn't. She can leave. Head out, go back to Mormon.

[D]

What about if you like had get him be blindfolded so he can't.

[C]

I don't need get him involved in my sex life at all.

[B]

I would go.

[C]

I would go unattractive woman before getting it. But I don't. I Think that, like if we now live in this world where I can only soak any sex partner I have is he's gonna get. I have to get on board with the hot chick jumping on the bed.

[A]

I thought he had to go Mormon. He's got to go Mormon.

[D]

Oh, no, no. Just the way they have sex.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

I thought he had to go full Mormon.

[D]

Yeah, no, he doesn't have to wear the magic.

[C]

But those Mormons get that one year off thing anyway, do they?

[B]

No, that's the Amish you're thinking of Rum Springer.

[C]

I think Mormons get a similar thing. Yeah. Because my friend dated a Mormon girl when she was in the midst of it.

[B]

Really?

[C]

It wasn't wild and crazy and stuff like that. But those girls, you just, you know, you find those, those year off girls. I guess.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It just sounds like so much work.

[B]

To try to trick God.

[C]

Can I get a flashlight? Just put it on there and turn it on and let it go.

[D]

That doesn't seem like the spirit of the question.

[A]

Can I ask.

[C]

You're not moving.

[A]

Can I ask you a question?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, how fucking awful would it be? Like, who came up with this rule, first of all? And then when you get to heaven and God's like, no, who the fuck told you that like this would work, that this would get you out of jail card.

[D]

If God exists and he's saying that these are the rules. I don't think he's gonna be like, that's a good loophole. No way.

[A]

Yeah, he's not. I don't think God's interested in loopholes. I think he's angry at loopholes.

[C]

I don't know. I just. I think it's weird that he's that interested in my sex life to begin with. And he's like, let me give you rules. I'm like, wait, what?

[A]

Well, that's. He is about rules though. And you gotta follow the rules or that it's just chaos and anarchy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. He did it for a reason.

[C]

Did he?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I could see the no murdering no stuff, but soaking.

[A]

I think the soaking one is probably a man made one though.

[D]

Yeah. Because they're not supposed to have sex before marriage. This is how their teens get around.

[A]

Anytime that that allows you of the.

[C]

Universe, one on one people as they walk through the pearly gates is like, let me, let me review your sex life. It just seems so out there, man.

[B]

Oh, I did a little bit of soaking back in college.

[C]

That's what he does all day. Like it's just judge people's sex.

[A]

But you know, if there's. If someone's creating a new rule that. So they. That they can have sex. That is man made shit right there. That is a guy who's like, I got to get around this shit, you know? There's no way that that was a. Came from the fucking top of the mountain.

[C]

I'd get a waterbed.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I'd get some assistance. I get. Yeah. That's what I do. I actually. I gotta be honest. It doesn't sound that bad, right? Yeah, it sounds okay to me.

[B]

Just lie back and hang out.

[C]

Oh, the thrusting and the cardio work. Like, this is. This is great.

[B]

Am I doing it well enough?

[C]

Oh, God. I don't gotta worry deep enough. Did the other guy do it harder? Like, who needs this pressure at my age?

[B]

Let me just soak it.

[D]

But I'm going to give it to Walt just because I think you had the hardest difficulty and you managed to not do that bad with it. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

Yeah. You kind of just accepted it and moved on.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[D]

Yeah. I think you handled it probably as well as it could happen.

[C]

Yeah, right. It's probably happened to people. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

All right.

[B]

What was it was in that movie, that Tom Hanks movie, Right.

[C]

Well, Castaway. He was on the island. Yeah.

[B]

And then he went to see his.

[C]

Wife and she was. I think she fucked him too.

[A]

Can't remember. She did.

[C]

She came to his house when it was raining. Came to his house. He fucked him one last time. Yeah. Helen Hunt. Helen.

[D]

Helen Hunt.

[C]

Helen Hunt. Yeah. Castaways. I remember it being a good movie.

[D]

Is a good movie.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

All right, Bry, go ahead. Yo yo, Diet. I'm a believer. Toot, toot. This is the penultimate round.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

What are you picking?

[B]

I'll go toot toot.

[A]

You know that's got to do with farting.

[B]

That's what I was thinking.

[C]

I thought it was a train Q.

[D]

Yo, yo, Diet or I'm a believer.

[C]

I'm a believer.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Yo, yo, Diet.

[D]

Yo, yo, diet, brah. You're first. You can no longer make noises as you currently do. Every time you speak, it makes a different horn sound. You can control the noises based on words you're saying, etcetera, but you will never utter another word again.

[A]

Again. So Brian has become Harpo Marx, essentially.

[B]

I'm probably immediately learning sign language.

[A]

I know, I know. The Reddit forum is super happy about this. Can you believe what he tuned today? That condescending prick.

[B]

What a jerk off.

[C]

Someone take his horn Away. All right, I'll listen again next week.

[B]

Gonna hate it as much.

[C]

Yeah, I don't like any of it, but all right, I'll listen to it next week, too. I have opinions. Sorry, Teddy. Sorry, buddy.

[B]

Yeah, I'm gonna have to learn or concoct my own language, I think.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Because if every time I'm opening my mouth, I'm trying to talk about Alice and a horn comes out. Yeah. I think I'm gonna try to, like, do a version of sign language that I incorporate my own shit into.

[D]

And you have to.

[A]

Everybody in your circle, couple people. It's going to be a little frustrating.

[C]

But.

[B]

No. Well, three hunks means this is it.

[C]

Is it a. Is it. What type of honk is it. Is a car honk? Is it like a goose?

[D]

I had, like, a horn. Yeah, I had, like, horn. Like.

[A]

Like a sand trombo.

[C]

When he. Is it. When he's angry, is it like.

[D]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah.

[B]

The neighbors can hear it from the house.

[A]

The Johnsons are at it again.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's my final answer. I'm gonna. I'm gonna do a version of sign language and try to. Try to teach my friends as best I can.

[C]

Can he write notes?

[D]

He's capable of writing notes.

[C]

Chalkboard around your neck.

[B]

Yeah, I'm just writing everything.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Are you still doing the pod? How.

[B]

How could I do it just by.

[C]

Working sound effects when I couldn't speak? We had Robot Q. We could have robot. We could have Robo. That's right. Yeah.

[B]

Robot brush.

[C]

I think people liked Robo Q more than they liked regular Q. Could work out for you.

[B]

I forgot about Robo Q.

[D]

That was funny.

[A]

Q.

[D]

You picked next. You are. I'm a believer.

[C]

I'm a believer. All right.

[D]

You believe every single thing you are told, no matter how outlandish. You have no bullshit detector, and you will believe anything you're told, no matter what. You can't even believe someone has lied to you unless someone else tells you that that person has lied to you. How do you make the best out of this situation?

[C]

I'm aware that I have this.

[D]

This. Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

But I could say, q, you know, the world end if you don't punch yourself and you'll be like, oh, you.

[C]

Know, okay, well.

[A]

We got to take his phone away from him. Any call like, hello, sir, we want to sell you a new roof.

[C]

It's rough because I just bought a roof last week.

[A]

I'm in need of a new roof.

[C]

I believe the way around that is. I can I have to only surround myself with, like. It's not so, like, somebody can come up to me and be like. And be like, dude, I've been your best friend since high school. I know they're not my best friend since high school.

[D]

Oh, I would think that it's. I would think you believe that based on that.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You don't have the memory.

[A]

You're just like, I don't remember this guy, but he says he's my best friend, so. Oh, well, I guess I just can't remember it.

[C]

Yeah. But I still have memories of. I understand what you're saying. I'm just trying to clarify. Yeah. I have memories of being friends with these guys for all these years.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

But if somebody came up to me, it was like, I've been your friend that I've been like. If somebody came up was like, I've been the fourth host of Telling Steve Dave. I believe it, even though I have all these years of memory.

[D]

You'd bring them in and be like.

[A]

If you ask us, you'd be like, hey, guys, this guy's saying it. He was the fourth host. I mean, Hitler.

[B]

What are you doing here?

[A]

I could tell you, Q. I could be like, hey, Q, I went to the moon last night.

[D]

Week.

[C]

Oh, really? How'd you get there? It's scary. It's scary because I think a lot.

[A]

Of elderly people fall into this category on us.

[D]

They're easy to take advantage of.

[C]

Yeah. But it's. It's.

[B]

Do you think you'll ever fall into that?

[A]

I don't think so.

[B]

Like. Like, you're so, like, cynical enough at.

[A]

This age that there's not a chance. I. I don't believe anything anybody tells me. I don't see myself crossing a line at a.

[B]

Into like, yeah, let me give you my bank information.

[A]

I just don't see it ever happening.

[C]

I just have to surround myself with. With good people, with my people, and I can't ever be left alone.

[A]

Never.

[C]

Yeah, but I would have to have. Yeah. Like, just my friends around me and stay away from other people. It's the only thing you do.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Because you can't walk around.

[B]

Somebody could come up, be like, hey, yo, you owe me 2,000 bucks.

[C]

I'll be like, oh, shit, dude. I'm sorry. Let me get that $2,000.

[A]

You'd be like, regarding Henry.

[C]

Yeah, but even he.

[A]

He.

[C]

He hunted down the truth, though.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, I believe everything.

[A]

I'd love to. I'd love to spend time with Naive Q.

[C]

Well, you did. You just didn't realize it at the time. Yeah, he wasn't that great. I don't want to spend time that's.

[A]

Teaching you the ways of the world. Yeah, fun.

[C]

But I already know the way of the world. Like, I don't.

[D]

I'm not forgetting everything unless you're told that it's wrong.

[C]

You know, somebody says everything, but. But somebody comes in and be like, everything you've ever known about the history of the United States is wrong. Yeah, I believe it. But then Brian could just come there.

[A]

Be like, no, no, no.

[D]

You would need to be reprogrammed, like, immediately.

[A]

It'd be fun. It'd be so. It'd be so cute. Innocent little Q. Yeah.

[B]

Everybody lying to you.

[C]

To you. Do I believe Text.

[D]

Oh, you better.

[A]

You can't watch.

[D]

I would think anything you. You're told. Like, if you pick up, like, the Onion. Like, if you pick up a physical copy of the Onion, you'll believe it's all real.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Can't watch tv, like, you know, can't watch Fox News.

[D]

You'll know it's fiction.

[C]

Okay. Yeah, nobody's telling me that.

[D]

Exactly.

[C]

Yeah, but if someone came in and been like, hey, this is a documentary, you're believing it. I believe that documentary. Okay. Okay.

[B]

It's just. It's just all these evil people coming up to you.

[C]

I. I just got to surround myself with people who. Who I know will look after me and take care. I know my friends are going to goof on me. I know it's going to happen, but at least they're doing it with love. You know what I mean?

[D]

No one's like, give me all your money or the world's gonna end. And, you know.

[B]

Right, Q, you forgot you love grabbing Walt's ass. Yeah.

[C]

It has been a while, hasn't it?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

It's just, you know. But isn't that how life is anyway? You got to surround yourself with people that. That love you and want to look.

[B]

After you and you trust not to bullshit you.

[C]

Yeah, that's how. That's. That doesn't always work out. Yeah.

[D]

All right, Walt. Every day of the week, you gain £100. After Sunday, the cycle happens, if in reverse. So if on Monday, you weigh 150 pounds, Tuesday would be 250. Until Sunday, you would weigh 750. And then it goes in reverse order. It's going to reverse and inverse repeatedly. How do you make the best of this?

[C]

Oh, this is a good one.

[A]

This is really tough to make the best of. He's putting a lot of Wear and tear on your body.

[D]

I would think it's, like, magical. I don't think there's, like, health issues.

[A]

How could it be magical?

[D]

How would you gain £100 a day?

[A]

I thought I was just eating enough.

[D]

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's like, like. Like a magical thing where you wake up one day, he's £100 more. Yeah.

[C]

Or less.

[B]

So then. Well, then what's happening is, like, he's going, like, Sunday he's 150, Monday, he's 250.

[D]

Exactly.

[B]

So when it gets to the next.

[D]

750 would be the cap. And then it goes.

[B]

And then it starts going back. So. So you're still that heavy for a couple of days?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, you're uncomfortably heavy most of the time.

[A]

Yeah. Certain days are out of me doing anything. I just had to be bedridden.

[C]

The problem is it's stacked because. Because you're gonna get 550, 650, 750, then it's 755, 50. So there's a good five days in the middle that you're out that you can't move. You're just fat.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's only like three out of four days. I mean, three out of seven days where I'm mobile, probably.

[D]

Yeah. Essentially.

[A]

Yeah. How do I make the best of it? I don't know if I could. I probably would just at a certain point, want to kill myself. Myself?

[B]

Join the club.

[C]

Right answer.

[D]

That doesn't seem like making the best of the situation.

[A]

I think you can. I think that's the worst scenario that you've presented so far.

[D]

Really? Yeah.

[A]

Because, I mean, well, you got a.

[C]

Week on, a week off.

[D]

Yeah. You veg out.

[A]

Yeah, I guess I can eat whatever I want. It isn't going to matter as much as I want to, but still, like, someone's got to take care of me. Gonna have to wipe me when I'm bedridden.

[B]

Get yourself a wiping stick.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Yeah. I can't. I can't be naive like you. That's something. I don't think there. I don't think there's a way to make the best of it.

[C]

You could live in a pool. Like those six days that you're unwieldy. Like, if you just get in the pool and you're kind of weightless by water floating around.

[A]

I could become an actor. Right.

[D]

I mean, I would think that'd be hard because you gotta look different every day they're filming.

[A]

Well, I know, well, that, like, maybe the remake of thin.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I really don't know how you. I don't know how you'd make the best of it. You just have to be live for the days where you're mobile and just watch TV and zone out and eat food.

[D]

At what point are you immobile?

[A]

Immobile? Oh, probably £400.

[D]

You think? Yeah, I move around fine.

[C]

I have a buddy that's. That's around that. And he's not great, but he moves around. I think. I think once you hit the five, that's where you're fucked.

[D]

Yeah, I know a guy who's five.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's a big dude.

[D]

Yeah, he's huge.

[A]

So I've got to plan vacations around when I'm fucking thin.

[C]

It's actually. The thin days aren't that bad.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Because once you hit, let's say. Let's say 300, right? You got 300 or 350 to 250 to 150, then 150 to 250 to 300. Six days that you're kind of still okay moving around. Like, if it's yo yoing back and forth, you can go to Disney for five days, no problem. But in fact, you could get that jazzy on the last day. It's not bad at all.

[A]

But how do I get home, though?

[D]

He needs different clothes for each weight, though, too.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God, the wardrobes.

[C]

Yeah, it's rough.

[A]

Yeah, it's. It's not gonna be fun. It's not gonna be fun. And I. I don't think I'm going to top Q's naive. I think he definitely had the better of the situation.

[D]

I think Q won this round.

[A]

Yeah. Right.

[D]

And this is the last round. So Q as a 2, 1, 1 lead. So, you know, he'll either draw or take it here. All right. And then. Yeah, you get to pick two. Q, you're the asshole. LEDs on the brain. Time locked.

[C]

I'll take LED on the brain.

[A]

I want time locked.

[C]

All right.

[D]

And you're the asshole.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[D]

Q. Yeah. Your forehead is embedded with an LED screen that constantly shows all your thoughts at all times. Whatever you're thinking will show up on the screen. How do you make the best of this situation?

[C]

Okay, hats aren't doing this.

[A]

Bandana.

[D]

He looks like that little. A little.

[A]

That Little Richard.

[B]

Oh, little. Little Stevie.

[D]

It's big, though. You need, like. Like a sombrero or something.

[C]

Okay. All right.

[B]

Sombrero. Yeah.

[C]

Look, there's two ways to go about this, right? You could either conceal it via sombrero or you just fucking embrace to the world that you're the honest guy. Like, hey, man, don't come to me if, like, you come up to me and, like, start talking to me, and I start thinking, this guy's a fucking asshole. Like, to me.

[D]

Every thought, Every thought.

[A]

That if you're out with your lady, and then all of a sudden you see a hot girl walk by, and all of a sudden she reads your LCD screen and she's like, you pig.

[B]

Yeah, put that sombrero back on.

[A]

Just get a smack across the face.

[C]

I think it's a mixture of both. I think it's a mixture of sombrero or some sort of other type covering and just developing the reputation as being the blunt guy and be like, look, I'm sorry. This is a medical condition. It's almost like Tourette's, in a way.

[B]

I'm a victim.

[C]

I'm a victim here. So if I look at your wife and say, she's got great cans, like, you just have to be happy that that's what I'm thinking. And if you're in my orbit, it. You have to know that this is what's going on. You cannot come in my order and be angry. And then if I'm going to a wedding or something like that and mix company, it's sombrero time.

[D]

So you're practically joking.

[C]

Oh, I think my career is over.

[D]

Oh, yeah?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Because when I'm out on the floor, it's. It's worrying about camera angles. It's about worrying about getting the right joke. It's about not angering the person. It would be. It wouldn't work at all. I could do the podcast. Yeah, I can do the podcast. Or I could do a fucking Mexico Mexican season. It's like every episode's a sombrero. But, yeah, I don't think I would run from it completely. I think I would be like, this is it, dude. You have to understand that.

[A]

Well, you start to have to also maybe look into some abilities to train your way. You think, meditate, a lot of meditation, a lot of ways to make sure you control what you think of.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And you don't allow yourself to think your base, ugly thoughts.

[C]

And that's hard. That's hard, man. That is not easy to control your thinking. But. But we all do it. Yeah. And the older you get, the more. The easier it gets. I think. So. Yeah.

[A]

I think you're not as prone to jump to, you know, the.

[C]

Well, I just don't think I'm right All the time. Which is. Which is why I'm like. It makes you less judgmental and stuff. Like, you know what I mean?

[A]

I think you go, well, I was thinking more of the training of, like, okay, see, you see somebody with, like. With, like you said, with big cans.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You start to train yourself to not think about it.

[C]

Right.

[A]

You know, you see big cans. Think of puppies. Yeah, yeah. Think of a. You think of.

[C]

You think of the Yankees, right?

[A]

When you see tatas, you think Yankees. And that's all it comes up on your screen.

[C]

Yankees, Yankees.

[D]

Yankees.

[C]

Yogi Berry. Yogi Berry. Yogi Berry.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It would have to be something like that. But I also do think that there are. I'd lean into it where I'd be like, you just have to accept that. As I. Because I'm honest with my friends. It's not like. You know what I mean? I really have thoughts that my friends couldn't hear, but fuck them. Yeah. But there's definitely also sombrero time as well.

[D]

Okay. Walt. Time lock.

[A]

Yeah. I'm hoping that this is where I can stop time.

[D]

No, it's.

[B]

Fuck.

[D]

Otherwise. Yeah. Who would have been. You can no longer use any technology beyond your birth year or any updates to technology that existed, you know, since your birth year. So if you. You use a tv, it can't be from a model beyond the year you were born.

[A]

Big deal.

[D]

How do you make the best of this situation?

[B]

He has that model.

[A]

This is fucking. This is what I live for, man. I love that. The old fucking TVs like that big.

[D]

You couldn't get a signal, though.

[A]

I get an antenna.

[D]

They sell antennas that work on, like, old TVs like that?

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Rabbit ears, bro.

[D]

No, they canceled all the rabbit ears.

[A]

What do you mean they canceled them?

[D]

They shut down the signals for that.

[B]

Analog signals?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I guess I'm not watching TV anymore then. If you. If I. If the TV is not broken, by the way.

[C]

I don't think that that's true.

[B]

I think.

[C]

Really? Yeah. You can still get it over there.

[D]

Oh, I thought they cut that.

[B]

No, no.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

I don't know you. He might be right.

[C]

Radio, anyway.

[A]

Yeah. Use the radio, then.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

You know, TV has to be a vintage. Vintage one, though.

[A]

It's okay.

[B]

The transistor radio, satellite radio. You can only listen to talk radio.

[C]

Yeah. But you could drive. You could fly.

[D]

It has to be a car from 67.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

You know, those were the most badass cars that ever.

[B]

Ever rolled off the assembly line. Yeah. You're Right.

[A]

What. What are we doing here? You're just setting me up to live the. The greatest existence. I can read all the comics. That was before my time, but that's.

[D]

Okay up to 67.

[A]

You know what? Spider man was introduced. The greatest era for the birth of the Marvel Universe. This is a fucking cakewalk.

[D]

What about the pod? How do you work?

[C]

We can get him an old mic.

[D]

You know what?

[A]

I'm done with the pod.

[C]

What are you talking about? We got microphones back then we got a reel to reel. Oh, okay. All right, all right.

[A]

I thought, you know. All right. That's okay. All right, then I'll do potting. Then I talk about, you know, all the things that I watched that was pre 67 or 67. And yeah, I think it's a. I think it's a very. Airy kind of floating kind of existence where I'm not weighed down by all of today's.

[C]

Right, okay.

[A]

Gizmos engagements.

[C]

Is it only technology or you can't use a fork that was made after.

[D]

It says just technology?

[C]

Well, technically, a fork is technology.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

They didn't have forks in 67.

[C]

No, you couldn't use a fork made after. So if you were at a restaurant, you'd have to be like.

[A]

But I wouldn't think that would fall under the banner. I mean, this existed just because it was. It was made post 67.

[C]

Well, he specifically said no updates since then.

[A]

So I have to have forks that were made.

[D]

That's okay.

[A]

I go to an estate. Yeah. What about food, then?

[D]

No, no, you could have food. You don't have to eat rotten food for, you know.

[C]

No microwave, right?

[A]

No.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Can't microwave microwaves.

[B]

They had Microwaves in the 60s.

[C]

We're gonna find one.

[D]

A microwave in 67. Really?

[B]

Oh, yeah. I think it was the 50s they were introduced.

[C]

And what about medical?

[D]

Medical. It would have to be 67. Medicine.

[A]

That's.

[B]

Oh, my God, that's rough.

[A]

Well, I don't take any meds, though.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Hopefully that, you know, I can maintain my straight edge existence, but I. I don't take any. Any Nothing.

[B]

Take a Quaalude.

[A]

I don't take anything.

[C]

You know, chairs.

[D]

It would have to be, you know, a chair.

[C]

Yeah, all these things are fine. I'm just one. I'm just trying to figure out where the parameters are.

[D]

I personally wouldn't count a chair as technology. I was thinking more.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Electronics, phones, you know.

[A]

Yeah, I don't need.

[C]

I don't think that'd be a burden for Walt at all.

[A]

I don't have a phone. It's. It's just. Yeah, no Reddit, Walt, Nothing.

[C]

Oh, no, no K. Muse.

[A]

Nothing. Yeah, I'm good to go.

[B]

Wonder who won this round.

[D]

And Bri, you're the.

[B]

Go ahead, tell them.

[C]

Steve D.

[D]

All your social interactions end with you Stripe striking a deeply and offensive personal narrative to the person you're interacting with. No matter what, all your interactions will lead to the person you're talking to hurt, sad, or angry. How do you make the best of the situation?

[B]

So I'm interacting with Walter Q.

[C]

So imagine you're trying to make comedy in 2020.

[D]

It could be pleasant the whole way through. But like, right before Walter Keely's, you're going to say some fucked up shit that's going to piss them off.

[A]

I think this is what Tourette's people deal with, though, on some level. Not always, but I think that, you know, the misunderstanding and the affliction and the inability to not control what they say. I think that's kind of a Magellan closest analogy I can think of.

[B]

Well, that's what I would tell people.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

They're like, yeah, like I have a.

[C]

Brain injury, but it doesn't matter. It still ends in them.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

No matter what you say, it still ends.

[D]

It's gonna hurt them. So, like, you're at McDonald's, you know, you're buying food, tell the person, like, you're really fat, you're gonna die soon. You, you know, look at you.

[A]

He's going to, he's gonna take quite a few beatings probably every time he takes a chance going out.

[B]

Like, wait a second. Yeah. I think, I think I would tell people that I had Tourette's and I would limit my interactions with people.

[A]

I would put a sandwich board, like a little one on you. I have Tourette's. I'm gonna say, shit that's gonna make you mad. Please don't be. Beat me.

[D]

I thought you'd say the one from Die Hard 3.

[C]

I was like, not the TV edit either. I'm talking the original sign. Yeah.

[B]

Somebody steals my sign. Yeah. I think I would go with Walt's idea of just tell people that I have a brain injury and it's something that I can't control. I would hate to interact with my friends, though.

[D]

Yeah, it would be rough.

[B]

You want me to say something stinging at the end of every conversation?

[C]

Do you think that. Can he text people or. It doesn't matter. This is a magical feeling over any interaction.

[D]

I was, I was thinking more face to Face.

[C]

Face to face.

[D]

So I think he could call or text someone and, you know.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

It wouldn't necessarily know, you know what a phone call, I think is. Is voice.

[C]

We're talking voice.

[D]

Voice, Yes, I think voice.

[C]

He's back to fucking.

[D]

He can write correspondence.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So on the phone. I can't go on the phone?

[D]

No. Well, I mean, you could, but you're gonna.

[B]

But I'm gonna insult somebody. Yeah. Sounds like me when I was a little bit younger saying shit that I'm like, I'm sorry. Hurt your feelings. Yeah. I'm going. I'm going. Brain injury.

[D]

Are you still going to do the pod? Like, can you get Q and Walt on board? Like, at the end of every week.

[B]

Instead of telling Steve Dave, I'm gonna.

[D]

Well, it doesn't have to be on air. You know, it's the end of your interaction.

[B]

Right.

[D]

It's like, you know, every week I'm gonna really upset you before we leave.

[B]

I mean, I would have to leave that up to them. Like, I want to see you guys, but I'm gonna say something.

[C]

I'd probably not come down here once a week.

[A]

Everything.

[C]

It was like, I went home crying. I'd be like, I don't know, guys.

[B]

It's not as fun as it used to be. Yeah.

[C]

Something about it's changed.

[A]

It's not like it used to be.

[C]

But if I. But I would have. But I'd be like, hey, you want to come over, hang out at the house? That I would do. Knowing that at the end, you're gonna say I look fat in my pants and shit like that. I'd be like, what do are you gonna do? This is a piece of Go home.

[B]

Or I could. It could be something as simple as, like, where'd you get this weed, man? It's pretty lame.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Would that count?

[D]

I don't think that's that good.

[A]

You're really go after a lot harder. Like, you never bought a decent piece of weed in your life.

[B]

Rube Volcano's wasted on you.

[C]

God damn it, man.

[A]

You're weekend warrior with your weekend smoke weed.

[B]

You don't do seven days a week like I do.

[C]

I gotta show you you're wrong.

[A]

So who's. Who's gonna get that one?

[D]

I'm gonna give it to you.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Because I think you were, like, giddy.

[B]

About it, almost excited.

[D]

Yeah. There was no downside for you, so I gotta give it to you. So you and Q tied. So you're both two optimists, too. Optimist.

[A]

I would think out of the three of us, I think that's probably the most accurate.

[C]

Not a bad game, though. Not a bad game. I mean, the ruling's a little arbitrary, but. But the discussions are fun.

[D]

Aren't the best Helms these days, games arbitrary, though?

[C]

Yeah. No, you're right about that. I still don't understand a single rule that's ever been told to me in this room.

[A]

Oh, yeah. It was very well.

[C]

Very well done, Thomas.

[B]

Steaming.

[A]

You better get on your thinking cap, Tom. You got some competition now.

[D]

He's removing his other testicle.

[B]

All right.

[D]

I plug something?

[C]

Sure, yeah, go Right.

[D]

Yeah. Guys, please check out my podcast. Reviewing History. We go through historical movies. We tell you what's real and fake as we make dick and fart jokes. It's fun on band camp. Right now we have a Christmas podcast. It's a ripoff of the tell them Steve Dave format, but we have fun with it. It. So go to bandcamp, check out Reviewing History. But if you're only gonna get one Christmas pod, definitely go with the TSD one.

[A]

Yeah. Who's on your Christmas podcast?

[D]

Get him. Chuck, Jimmy, and my two co hosts, Anthony and Steve.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Jesus.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

You've been doing, like. This is what he does is. Which is different than we do. He is actively trying to get on podcasts to pimp his Christmas pod.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Should we think about doing it?

[D]

Well, we need to. No one listens to us.

[A]

But should we think about, like, you know, branching out, going on. Excuse me. Other podcasts, and I have in the past.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, my buddy Carl, who does. Who are these podcasts? I've been on his show.

[D]

You guys have been on reviewing history?

[B]

Yeah, I've been on reviewing history. Pimp it out.

[A]

I think we got to go outside our. What you like. Brian has our circle. Okay. Can I get on Joe Rogan, you think, and talk about the TSD Christmas special? You think, Daddy, you'd have me.

[C]

I don't know Joe Rogan, but I don't know. Maybe. Why not?

[A]

Tell him, Steve Dave.