The 1000 Hours Outside Podcast

Episode: 1KHO 459: Marriage After Kids Is a Different Game
Guest: Dr. Morgan Cutliff, A Better Share
Release Date: April 8, 2025
Host: Jenny Urch

1. Introduction to "A Better Share"

Jenny Urch opens the conversation by welcoming Dr. Morgan Cutliff, author of A Better Share, to discuss how marriage evolves after having children. Jenny expresses her initial hesitation about fitting marriage discussions into the podcast but quickly acknowledges the profound impact of Morgan's work.

Jenny Urch [00:29]: "Have a goal. Track your time outside. Take back childhood. Inspire others."

Morgan responds by highlighting the personal relevance of her book, emphasizing that it stems from her own marital challenges post-parenthood.

Morgan Cutliff [01:43]: "Because I live it. You know, both of my books are just... they're like the books that I needed at the time."

2. The Shift in Marriage After Kids

Morgan delves into the transformation marriages undergo once children are introduced. She shares her personal experience of feeling disconnected and frustrated despite a loving relationship.

Morgan Cutliff [02:30]: "Why is my life changed so dramatically after kids and yours seemingly has remained the same?"

She references research indicating that marital satisfaction often declines after becoming parents, making the topic both relatable and critical.

Morgan Cutliff [03:20]: "Research shows that marriage satisfaction drops after kids."

3. Relatability Through Personal Stories

Jenny appreciates the authenticity of Morgan’s narratives, particularly the balloon story, which illustrates common communication breakdowns between partners.

Jenny Urch [05:45]: "So you say to your husband, Chad, I just need you to take care of the balloons... and he says, 'Just tell me where to get him and I'll go pick him up.'"

Morgan recounts the ensuing argument, showcasing how minor misunderstandings can escalate without proper communication.

Morgan Cutliff [06:34]: "These are just sort of how relations relationship arguments begin, where little things grow into big things very rapidly."

4. Understanding the Mental Load

One of the core discussions revolves around the concept of the mental load—the invisible, cognitive tasks that often fall disproportionately on women. Morgan breaks down the mental load into three domains: physical, mental, and emotional.

Morgan Cutliff [11:31]: "The mental load... includes tasks from the emotional, the mental, and the physical domains."

She explains how the mental load consumes cognitive resources, leaving little room for self-care and emotional well-being.

Morgan Cutliff [13:05]: "It crowds out room for peace, for patience, for being present, for regulating our emotions..."

5. Treadmill Tasks vs. One-and-Done Tasks

Morgan introduces the distinction between treadmill tasks—ongoing, repetitive chores—and one-and-done tasks, which have a clear endpoint and provide a sense of accomplishment.

Morgan Cutliff [21:14]: "Women tend to handle these treadmill tasks, whereas men handle these sort of one and done."

She uses the example of laundry and cooking dinner as treadmill tasks, contrasting them with her husband’s project of building an outdoor kitchen, which offered a tangible sense of completion.

Morgan Cutliff [22:50]: "It's like nobody's walking into my house being like, let me see how you fold your clothes."

6. Delegating and Sharing Responsibilities

The conversation shifts to practical strategies for delegating tasks to balance the mental load. Morgan emphasizes the importance of leveraging each partner's strengths and interests.

Morgan Cutliff [26:12]: "We have to think about what are we good at, what we like to do?"

She provides examples from her own life, such as her husband efficiently handling financial tasks, which previously overwhelmed her.

Morgan Cutliff [28:00]: "We handed that off many, many years ago, and it freed up a ton of space."

7. The Importance of Appreciation and Acknowledgment

Morgan highlights the critical role of appreciation in maintaining a healthy relationship. She discusses the challenges men face in offering meaningful acknowledgment and the necessity for women to receive genuine appreciation.

Morgan Cutliff [42:33]: "Appreciation that highlights how valuable and visible your partner is in your relationship."

She recounts her own struggles with feeling undervalued and how her book offers formulas for effective compliments.

Morgan Cutliff [43:50]: "There's nobody really saying, you know, coming and patting you on the back... It's important to be free flowing with appreciation."

8. Navigating Financial Expectations

The discussion touches upon the differing socializations around money between men and women. Morgan argues for shifting the value system within the home from monetary contributions to time and energy.

Morgan Cutliff [32:30]: "Men are socialized to provide and protect financial and physical security."

She references the concept that in the home, "money equals time and energy," advocating for equitable sharing based on each partner's strengths.

Morgan Cutliff [33:06]: "We have to have this sort of flexible metric... it's so important that we start to Shift this narrative."

9. Practical Tools and Conversation Prompts

Morgan introduces actionable tools from her book, such as conversation prompts and scripts for delegating the mental load without causing defensiveness.

Morgan Cutliff [54:32]: "Here’s how you introduce it. Here’s how you keep it from being something that's not defensive."

Jenny praises the practicality of these tools, noting how they provide necessary language to address and reframe household challenges.

Jenny Urch [54:06]: "You have actual verbiage. So I'm just going to give one example of this."

10. Building Empathy and Understanding

The conversation concludes with an emphasis on empathy and understanding the differing perspectives within a marriage. Morgan stresses the importance of depersonalizing conflicts and recognizing the external factors influencing marital dynamics.

Morgan Cutliff [58:36]: "The game's just a little bit rigged... the more we understand, the more we can show up with empathy and understanding."

Jenny echoes the need for empathy, sharing her observations on how differing competencies between partners can lead to misunderstandings.

Jenny Urch [60:43]: "You can have empathy... you have to give the minute. Sheesh."

11. Conclusion and Endorsement

Jenny wraps up the episode by highly recommending Morgan’s A Better Share as an invaluable resource for couples navigating marriage post-parenthood. She highlights the book’s comprehensive approach to addressing mental load, delegation, and appreciation within relationships.

Jenny Urch [63:16]: "A better share... it is going to be on our shelf. It is the most valuable marriage resource that we have."

Morgan expresses gratitude and reinforces the book’s goal to help couples achieve a more balanced and appreciative partnership.

Morgan Cutliff [64:47]: "Thank you. Grateful for you."

Key Takeaways:

• Marriage Evolves After Kids: Parenthood introduces new challenges that can strain marital satisfaction.
• Mental Load: The invisible cognitive tasks often fall on women, leading to overwhelm and decreased emotional well-being.
• Treadmill vs. One-and-Done Tasks: Understanding the difference helps in equitable task distribution.
• Delegation and Sharing: Leveraging each partner's strengths and interests is crucial for balance.
• Appreciation Matters: Regular, meaningful acknowledgment fosters a healthier relationship.
• Financial Dynamics: Shifting the home’s value system from money to time and energy can enhance fairness.
• Practical Tools: Scripts and prompts from Morgan’s book provide actionable solutions for couples.
• Empathy and Understanding: Depersonalizing conflicts and fostering empathy leads to more productive relationship dynamics.

Recommendations:

For couples experiencing similar challenges, Dr. Morgan Cutliff’s A Better Share offers insightful frameworks and practical tools to navigate the complexities of marriage after having children. The podcast episode provides a thorough exploration of these themes, backed by personal anecdotes and actionable advice, making it a must-listen for those seeking to strengthen their relationships amidst parenting.