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The 1000 Hours Outside Podcast
1KHO 582: Life Is Hard and Beautiful at the Same Time | Jillian Benfield, Overwhelmed & Grateful
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A
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B
Okay. Welcome to the 1000 Hours Outside podcast. My name is Jeanne Urch. I'm the founder of 1000 Hours Outside, and I'm so honored to bring a new guest to you today. Jillian Benfield. Welcome.
- [00:37]
A
Thank you so much for having me.
- [00:39]
B
You just had your second book come out, so this will be out by the time your second book's out. And it's about being overwhelmed, but being overwhelmed and grateful, which is really the key to life, I think, gratitude, the key to finding God's goodness in all life's ups and downs. This is your second book also the Gift of the Unexpected. And you have had a very unexpected journey, you know, with the pregnancies and kids with special needs and dealing with health issues. Can you talk about at what point you were like, I should probably put this in a book to help others.
- [01:10]
A
I guess. Well, my first. My first book, gosh, I was a former TV news journalist and I thought I would go back to TV news after taking a year off after having my daughter. But also my husband was military at the time and I thought I would go right back after. He had a one year assignment somewhere. And then we got stationed in Alamogordo, New Mexico, and there's not a target there, let alone a TV news station. And eight days after we arrived in Alamogordo, I found out that our second child had down syndrome while I was still pregnant. It was then where I started writing online and documenting my feelings. Probably too early, if I'm being honest. But eventually I realized. I kept telling people kept telling me, you need to write a book. You need to write a book. And I just never thought that that was something in my gifting, in my realm of possibilities. That just was never it. But the thing about being hit by the unexpected is it changes your perspective. It opens your views in multiple ways, including the views you had of your own life. And so that's. Eventually I was like, okay, I think I can do this. And those online writings ended up becoming a book that was called the Gift of the Unexpected. This book happened because after my son with down syndrome's diagnosis, then I had a miscarriage. And then I got pregnant again, and my youngest child, we thought everything was fine and then his 14 week ultrasound. His stomach was bigger than his head. And eventually it came out that he was diagnosed with posteriorethral valves, which is a blockage in the urethra, which is a very serious diagnosis because it not only affects babies urinary tract kidneys, it also affects their lung development. We were at that point, we had just moved to San Antonio, Texas, and right after we arrived, we went three and a half hours away to Houston to get a checkup there at their amazing children's hospital. And we figured out that I was going to have to have fetal intervention surgery and I was going have to live at the Ronald McDonald house away from my other two kids. And so those are the unexpected things that have happened to me in my life. And what ended up happening was Preston was really, we believe he was a miracle baby because a lot of the issues that he was said to have ended up not coming to fruition. However, he still had a lot of health issues once he was born. And so between my son with down syndrome, who was also very sickly at the time, and. And then my son with kidney issues and clubbed feet, by the way, they had 18 specialists between them. And so my life, I was spent. I was exhausted emotionally, physically, in all the ways. I mean, I was just surviving, right? And yet I should feel so grateful because the worst didn't come to pass. Because it could have come to pass. It could have been way worse. And then I read this article by another author, and it was about how she was grieving over her daughter, the loss of her daughter, but she had just had a nephew born healthy. And her therapist asked her, how are you doing with this? And she said, well, I'm really sad, but I'm also really thankful he was born healthy. And she said, no, and you're thankful he's born healthy, you don't have to choose. And her post had this ampersand in it. And it was just such an aha moment for me that I didn't have to choose. I could be spent. I could say my life is the hardest it's ever been. And I could also be grateful that the worst had not come to pass. I could be both of those things at the same time. And it really just started to change my outlook. I started replacing my. My butts with ands when I would talk about my situation. And it just, it showed me that I can hold two competing emotions at the same time. And it changed my life so much. And I wrote a teeny bit about it in the Gift of the Unexpected. And that's what a lot of people said that they resonated with. And so I was like, you know what? I think there's a whole book here, and that's where overwhelmed and grateful was born out of.
- [05:34]
B
Yeah, and there sure is. There sure is. Because you talk about we can honor the darker parts of our reality while also practicing gratitude, the act of looking for and being thankful for the goodness around us and in us. Because God's goodness is always at work. So you say this is not the act of denying our hard circumstances. Instead, it's looking for beauty. Wherever our feet take us. In the mundane and the sorrow and in the rebuilding, the divine is there whispering the ways of love. Gratitude, in many ways is the act of paying attention to this love that is always beating. So it's called overwhelmed and grateful. And you talk about how life is so hard. You're like, life was hard with my son with a disability. You're going to doctor's appointments, therapies for. And then there's another piece about being in a situation that not everybody else relates to. You say, I found myself isolated from people I once knew. I was often on the outside looking in with new friend groups who could not know my reality, who could not know the unbecoming and becoming that takes place after life is upended. They could not speak my new language of disability and medical acronyms. They could not know my fears. They could know me, but not fully. It was getting to know me all over again. So you're talking about how not only are you going to these different doctor's appointments and therapies and there's a lot of fear, but your identity is shifting alongside this hard and beautiful life. Can you talk about and give advice to maybe a parent who's in a similar situation about how do you navigate friendships and relationships when life changes quickly and you're not expecting it and you don't really know what's to come?
- [07:08]
A
I think that you have to find the people that you can be really honest with, you know, because you're going to have people who bright side you. And what I mean by that is when you share your hard truth, people are going to be like, but look at all. But look at this good thing that you have and that's going to happen and you have to be able to call it out and say, no, I just need you to sit with me in this. And if people aren't willing to do that, then you know what? Maybe that's not the friendship for you. And so I would say when the unexpected happens, one of the beautiful things that can come of it is we can become the most honest, truest versions of ourselves. And sometimes that takes, that means an internal shedding is taking place inside. It also might mean that an external shedding takes place in the relationships that we have. And I'm not saying go cancel all your relationships, that's not what I'm saying. But in order to continue those relationships, the ones that you want to continue with, you have to be able to bring your full self to. And those people have to be willing to accept this evolving version of you too. And hopefully we can do that in a way that brings our honest hard truth and our honest good truths too. Right? Because hopefully we can go through these periods and also recognize the beauty that's still present in our lives. It's not about pity. You don't want to be, nobody wants to be pitied. We want to be honest and we also want to have people believe us when we talk about the things that, the beauty that we are seeing in this situation or we are seeing in our surrounding life.
- [08:40]
B
I love the premise of this book where you talk about. I've actually never talked about this or even thought about it really. This order disorder reorder, this sort of pattern that happens in life. Jillian and I like, I like it a lot because it's filled with hope, you know, that you, you know, some parts of your life are kind of humming along and you even talk about when that happens. You might feel like, oh, this is kind of boring. And you know, you're, you're longing for something different. But then something might happen and you're in, you might move or you might have a miscarriage, or you might have a child that has disabilities. And now you're going to these different therapies. Or you might be caring for your mom that's sick or your mother in law or whatever the situation is. Maybe you're going through divorce, maybe there's been infidelity, you're in this spot of, well, you say use the word disorder. You know, maybe it feels chaotic, but that you know that at some point reorder is going to come back around. You're going to be a different person, you're going to have grown, you will have made it through. And so even just that wording and that premise, it gives you hope because you say everything that happens to us may not be good, but good things are going to grow again. You can kind of expect that an ending is not necessarily an end. That's one of the phrases you use. You can expect that at some point this will be reordered and we will be stable again. We will be changed, but we will be stable again. So can you talk about. I would love to just go through those three different types of things that happen in life. So talk to us about order. This is like when there's just hiccups, but nothing's really super disruptive. But then you maybe might start longing for something more.
- [10:16]
A
Yeah. So order is, I would say, where I am right now. And I think for the. For the majority of us, probably in western culture, you know, where things are stable in our countries and things like that, we probably spend the majority of our lives in order. That doesn't mean order is without trouble. It might mean you have chronic illness, but you've gotten used to carrying that extra weight around and you're. You're just in a place where life is humming along. I did, I asked my pastor when I started writing this book, I said, what's the number one thing that people struggle with when life is good? And he said, temptation. And so I think that when we're in a place of order, we can be tempted by many things. By, by the superficial, by. By also like longing. And I talk about the book. Longing is not necessarily a bad thing. I think longings, we're. We're actually built too long, but we might long for the wrong things. So that's. Those are kind of some of the struggles in order also. Just like the daily. Like right now we're in order. And I am so stressed out, you know, like I am spending four hours in the car. Yes, exactly. She just held up my book, overwhelmed and grateful. Y. Um. I. I'm driving in the car four hours a day with my kids, activities and that sort of thing. So it doesn't mean life is perfect. It just means that life is at a steady pace. Then disorder comes at some point in our lives and that's when like this big storm comes by surprise most of the time. Even if it's something expected, like maybe you know, that a death of a parent is coming and that's expected. Nobody can quite prepare for what that's going to feel like once it comes. Right. So that's when the storm comes and it blows us off course. And we are in a place of grief and sadness and anger and these things reorder comes when we have gone through the storm and we find ourselves in a new place. Because I think something that I want people to understand because it's something that I've had to learn is that reorder does not mean going back to your old life, because once that storm has come, life will never quite be the same. You're going to see elements of your old life there, but there's going to be new elements in your life, too. And reorder is when we get to this place where we're through the storm and we're blown onto a new course, and we realize we carry those old hurts with us, and we also can recognize the beautiful things that are blooming on that new path that we find ourselves on. And we're reoriented with the beauty and grace of God again. So those are. Those are order, disorder reorder. And I think it's really helpful because like you said, it's rooted in hope. Like, we're human. We're going to go through struggles. Even in order we have struggles, we are going to go through more struggles, deep struggles. Just because I've been hit by the unexpected doesn't mean the unexpected won't come for me again. And I also know that there will be new life out of the unexpected. And. And that's because I believe that we have a God that brings new life out of our dead things.
- [13:26]
B
So there's a lot to think about in this order disorder reorder. You talk about in order, like, things are humming along. You're like, I still gotta drive my kids, I still gotta launch book. You know, I still have appointments and things that I have to do. But you then you talk about then sometimes we might be struggling with longing. And you have this sentence in here. It's not my turn. You say, this phrase has served me well. Knowing it's not my turn helps me to take a deep breath and focus on where my life is right now. It's really good advice. Talk about when it could be used.
- [13:56]
A
Yeah, I think since I think most people listening to this podcast are parents, I think that it could be used so much as parents, because I remember this particular chapter. I'm talking about. I'm talking about raising very young kids and, you know, having caring for kids at home and wanting that book deal, but also, like, not having the full time to dedicate to being a writer. And it just wasn't my turn for that. You know, I think when we have young kids, it also is like, every outing is hard, you know, and you just want to, like, go to the pool and, like, be able to sit by the pool. Right. But that's not possible when you have really little kids because you can't take your eyes off of them. And it's just. It's just not your turn for that. It might not be your turn like you want to go on dates more with your spouse, but maybe it's just not your turn for that right now. But it doesn't mean that your turn for that is not going to come. And so I would say when it comes to parenting, that is the main way that that phrase has. Has served me well. Just like when you're frustrated with the phase that your kids are in or your life is in. You know, right now, for me, it's driving, and I just. I am so worn out by the driving. But it is not my turn to not drive. You know, my daughter will one day turn 16 and can help out with the driving, but it's not my turn for that yet. You know, I've got several more years, and so, yeah, I think it serves us as parents and as people.
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B
It is wonderful when you have a driver. I cannot say that highly enough.
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A
Good. You're giving us all hope.
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B
It's like one of those things that in some ways, you grieve it because you're like, oh, my goodness, my kid is old. And then you're a little bit nervous because off they go, but within, like, 30 seconds, you're like, this is the best thing ever.
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A
Yeah.
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B
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C
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- [19:32]
B
But what's interesting, Jillian, is that when you talk about it's not my turn, it changes. So, you know, you got the little ones and you're like, it's not my turn to be a writer. It's not my turn now for me, I'm like, it's not my turn to hold a baby, you know, and of course I could hold a friend or you know what, it's not my turn to be pregnant. It's not my turn to nurse. It's not my turn, you know, to sit around a table with a four year old and listen to all the, you know, wild, you know, just like adorable things they say. It's not my turn to help a little one, you know, a little three year old get their shirt on. So it is interesting. It's a reminder of trying, like you say, to be overwhelmed and grateful, to have gratitude for the season that you're in because those things change. And it's in both seasons. It's like, even when things get easier, then you're like, well, gosh, you know, you see all these families with the little kids and you're like, like, it's not my turn. And for everyone to go on vacation together.
- [20:28]
A
Yeah, yeah.
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B
You know, because this one's got a job and they're driving, so they're going to go do that. It is really an interesting thing. So in order, this is really like the whole book. It's just surrounding this concept of being grateful. When you kick off this chapter about disorder, you have this sentence and it's from someone else's book. It's really even just a phrase. I just wrote down the phrase, I plead with the God of maybe talk to us about that just single phrase.
- [20:57]
A
Well, like you said, I didn't write that. Kate Bowler wrote that. But I think how I take that to be is like God is not a vending machine. You know, we don't get all of our requests that we send up to God. We don't get all of those the way that we want. And sometimes we get the Miracle. Like, I feel like we did end up getting with our last son. And sometimes we don't. Like where my son with down syndrome ended up having to have open heart surgery, you know, and so what I later in the book, I say, I call God the God of instead. And what I mean by that is, no matter how my life turns out, I have found the God of instead. Like, if I don't get what I want, if I don't, if God doesn't answer the prayer in the way that I want God to, instead I find how God moves me forward by grace. How God changes me from the inside out through that situation. How God instead brings something new out of that situation I couldn't even fathom. So that's, that's, I think, what Kate meant by it. And that's kind of how I relate to as somebody who has had many answers to prayers with ending and. No, I find hope in the God of instead.
- [22:14]
B
That's really good. And the God of maybe. I plead with the God of maybe. You write quiet tears come when you would give anything for your circumstances to change, but you accept moving forward into this new life. You would do anything to give back. Quiet tears come from enduring. So you talk about how this period of disorder for you was really long. Five years we lived in disorder where one unexpected thing hit after another, and where isolation, confusion, and depression were as thick as the Texas humidity we lived in during much of that time. And then comes the reorder. How do you manage a period of disorder that is that long?
- [22:48]
A
Yeah, that's a good question. And I don't know if I have a great, like, prescriptive answer for it. I can just tell you this. For me, it probably, I would say I managed it through being very honest with God. You know, I write in this book, I have a psalm at the end of every chapter. And that's because the song, more than half of them are laments, right? And the psalms give us permission to bring our full humanity to God. And so I think I did a lot of lamenting and then a lot of trying to stand in the light, whatever that looked like. Whether it was just making sure that I spent time outside every day, which I know is important to you, feeling the breeze on my face, trying to take in the giggles of my children as they jumped on this bounce house we had during that time. I. I think the only way to endure is to be honest about our hurts and to keep our eyes open to the goodness of our lives, even if it is something as simple as wow. That dinner I just made was really good today. Even if it's. That's the only thing you can hold on to that day. That's enough just to remember that there's. There are good things. Good things are still growing, even if I cannot see.
- [24:09]
B
See them. Yeah. And this is the importance of gratitude. Gratitude requires a heightened awareness. So you're talking about looking really kind of looking at those smaller things. It's not a cure, but it can play a part in our healing. It's really important. I mean, when I have days and they're like, oh, if you just change that frame to I'm thankful for a couple. And people have those, like, journals, you know, just like a couple things. You write down a couple of things, and it really makes a big difference. But you know that you talk about five years. I mean, that is a very, very long time to be living in disorder. And you talk a lot in there then about crying and the psalms and the laments. And you have really interesting information in here about crying. Tell us about. It's actually. It's like a miracle. Like, crying is actually really good for us. The. You know, and I don't know if you remember the exact, like, specifics and. And statistics and things, but you talk about how they've measured tears that are in response to emotional things and tears that are in response to, like, I have a piece of sand in my eye, and so my eye is watering. Can you talk about.
- [25:12]
A
Yeah. So I can't remember the exact number, but the tears that are expressed emotionally have a stress hormone in them versus I can't remember the percentage of how much more that stress hormone is present in our emotional tears versus just, like, our irritated tears. But it's significant.
- [25:29]
B
21% higher.
- [25:31]
A
Yeah.
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B
It's a different kind of tier.
- [25:33]
A
Yeah. Yeah. And so to me, that means that our tears are literally our stress, our pain moving through our bodies. And I did cry a lot during that time. And, you know, we're made to feel like crying is a weakness, but crying is the way that we move through the world. It's the way we keep going. It's the way that we process what has happened to us, because what is happening to us is painful. And that's what I want to get across in this book is like, I am all about practicing gratitude. However, I am also all about, like, naming our hurts, too. We have to do both to really heal. Yeah. And crying is a way to get there. And writing down things you're grateful for can also be a way to get There. I think that the real way we move through life in this life, that is so hard as humans. I mean, life is just hard. It's also beautiful too. I think it's that we live in the end. We cry the tears, we say the laments, we pray the prayers. And we also keep our eyes out for beauty in our lives. Whether it's the view in our backyard, whether it's going and seeking beauty by going on a hike or whatever it is. We have to be able to hold both.
- [26:52]
B
Yeah. Crying is a process by which our bodies excrete stress. Wow, Jillian. Like, I would like to excrete some stress today.
- [27:03]
A
Right. Can we just. Can we shuffle up these tears? That would be great. Maybe that would help me with the rest of my day. For sure.
- [27:09]
B
I'm gonna cry everywhere I'm driving.
- [27:12]
A
Right.
- [27:13]
B
Excrete some of this stress. But yeah, if you're in this spot and if it's years and years, the tears are a good thing. That's what you're talking about, that they've measured them, you know, and you're like, who is the person that was like, let's collect these tears from this situation.
- [27:27]
A
I know, right?
- [27:28]
B
And let's collect that person's tears whose eye is irritated, you know, if they've got a sty or whatever. I'm like, it's so interesting. It is. It is incredible that God gave us that to help us do our healing. So you have this beautiful sentence. Take the splintered path forward. Eventually it will lead you somewhere new. Along the way, you can grieve what has been lost, the hardships you still carry and the confusion you felt over it all. And then you get into this spot of reorder. And you talked about this earlier. The God of instead versus the God of rescue. So tell us where you're at now. You're in Florida, Space Coast.
- [28:03]
A
I am, yes.
- [28:04]
B
Yeah. And you probably could not have imagined being where you are today.
- [28:10]
A
No. I mean, I grew up on the Space Coast. I grew up about an hour north of where we live now. But no. Did I ever think I was coming back? No. I was the 18 year old who could not wait to get out of here. I wanted to go out of state to college because I just needed to get away from these people, you know, that kind of thing. And no, I couldn't have imagined that we would have come back. And it has. It's come with its own challenges, and it's also been beautiful. And, you know, it's interesting when you do come back somewhere, I Didn't realize how beautiful of a place I lived in growing up until, you know, I was an adult and came back. And sometimes it works out that way.
- [28:45]
B
Yeah. And. And then you're in a new spot. You're in a new spot where you have changed and you have now you have this history with God. You can look back and see how far you've come. So it's beautiful. I love that order disorder reorder. It does. It gives you so much hope that at some point things are going to settle out and you'll be in a spot again that's back to order and you will have learned a lot. It won't be perfect. Um, but. But you'll find that footing again. So you talk in this book a lot about nature. The mountains versus the beach, you know. Well, so tell us, are you a mountain? Which would you pick?
- [29:16]
A
That's so hard. I feel. I think I might have written this in the book, but I can't remember. But I feel like my soul feels at rest at the ocean. My soul feels alive in the mountains. I think that maybe it's because I didn't grow up around the mountains and I really didn't get to experience the mountains until I was an adult. But I feel like the mountains are like. You just never know what's around the next corner when you're on a hike and how, like the sun can change the. What you see on the mountain. I. I do adore the mountains, but I have to tell you, I am also happy to live at the beach where it does not snow.
- [29:52]
B
Not. Isn't it cool though? It's so amazing how God gives us both. Yes, you talked about that. Like when you're on a hike. There were so many nature references because you out the Grand Tetons. You say when you're on a hike, you never know, like, what's around the next corner. How the sun. You just said this. How the sun's position will highlight the mountain's peaks and crevices in ways you hadn't noticed the first time you. The mountains are wild with God's beauty waiting to surprise us around each turn. And. And so is the beach. The beach is also wild with God's beauty, with all sorts of surprises. What are you going to find? Yes, you know, what shells are you going to find? Or depending on what beach you're at. It's like you can do that tide pooling thing, which I've only done once, but like, you might find a starfish or. I mean, it is incredible. So A lot of delight. You talk about being in awe in nature. And one of the things you said that I love, Jillian. Okay, so you have this whole section about being in awe. So obviously if you're outside, there are a lot of awe inducing things at the beach, at the mountains, right in your yard, insects, every. All of those types of things. But you say you feel awe at musicals.
- [30:49]
A
I do. I do. 100%. I'm a Broadway nerd.
- [30:53]
B
All right, tell us some of your favorites. What have you seen?
- [30:56]
A
Oh, gosh, what have I seen lately? You know what I really loved? We went to New York last year and really, I was surprised how much I loved it. But the Great Gatsby, that is a great show if you're in New York. Yeah.
- [31:08]
B
Who would know? I feel like I read that book in high school.
- [31:12]
A
I know I was not on my radar. My daughter was doing a theater camp up there and it was just like they were all going to see it. So, like, okay, we'll go see it too. Really loved that. But I love, like, Chicago is probably my all time favorite. I think I've seen it five times.
- [31:28]
B
Okay, tell me more, because I've seen zero.
- [31:30]
A
Okay.
- [31:31]
B
Like, I've seen some like a high school, like not High School Musical, but like that High School Musical thing. But like a musical at a high school. That's.
- [31:39]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [31:40]
B
I'm not. I don't know if I've been to any Broadway ones.
- [31:43]
A
Okay. If you're going to New York for the first time and you're. You're unfamiliar, you got to see Wicked. I mean, the ending of that first act, it's just. I just started crying the last time. It was my second or third time seeing it on stage. So. Yeah, you have to see Wicked for sure. That's like, that's. Yes, 100%. Trying to think Lion King would be really good for a first timer because the set is just amazing in it as well as the music. I do think Chicago is a great show. It's a racy show. It's. But I love it. I just, I think the music, the dancing, all of that. Yeah. Those would be probably my, my top picks for, for a newbie.
- [32:21]
B
I love that you put that in the book. So you say awe is something we can develop. It's not confined to nature. Obviously you can experience a lot in nature and. But you can find it in the things you love, like musicals. Can you talk about why awe is so important for us? And you know, I think in this day and age, especially with the excessive Screen time. It would be easy to go through a childhood, to go through an adult life, and to not have many opportunities to be in awe.
- [32:43]
A
Yeah. Yeah. So I'll give you an example. This morning I made the choice. I'm not gonna say it's a bad choice, but I made a neutral choice to post my feelings about something happening in our country on Facebook. Right. And so I was. I don't do that often because it riles up so much because people's comments and all that. And I was just thinking like, oh, everything's terrible. Right. You know, I'm just in that mindset. And then on the way to school, we drive by a really gorgeous river. When I dropped the boys off at school and my son said, look, a rosy out spoonbill, which is a rare pink bird here in Florida. And it just was a reminder of like, yes, like beauty is still here. Everything is not terrible. My screen might tell me it is. So there might be terrible things that are happening and they are. And also beauty is still here. And so I think that awe is a way to draw us in. Not that I experienced awe this morning, but I think by keeping our eyes open for experiences like that, like keeping our eyes open for that rare bird on our drive, the sparkling water that we pass by, it's like these moments of delight. Like if we are make a choice to be delighted, eventually that can cross over into awe, where you are just so awe comes by way of mystery. It's when we are standing in the mystery of the goodness that surrounds us. And I think that it's really good to go intentionally seek awe. Like for me, that is still traveling to the mountains and also like going to the beach. I loved going to the beach early, early in the morning and seeking it out. But also I think the way that we accept experience more regularly than like those special trips where we go seek it out is to train ourselves to be delighted by the small things in nature that we get to see every day or other experiences as well. Race the rudders.
- [34:41]
B
Raise the sails. Raise the sails. Captain, an unidentified ship is approaching. Over.
- [34:46]
A
Roger, wait.
- [34:47]
B
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- [36:42]
A
Yeah.
- [36:42]
B
Like, because I think a lot of our misery comes from. It can come from our self perception. You know, it's like, I'm not doing as good as I hoped. I wish my life was like this. I wish I looked like that. I wish I was doing this. And so if, if you had an opportunity to be like, I would like to deactivate that. I'm going to turn that off. That self perception piece. And you say it comes from awe.
- [37:04]
A
Yeah, yeah. I think it's so important. I think it's like under studied and I think it's undervalued. And I think because it comes by way of mystery, we can think. Well, I can't just go experience awe, but I think if we train ourselves, like the other day, I know this is going. This might sound ridiculous to your listeners, but we recently moved to the water and we literally have dolphins in our backyard. So like we see dolphins from our our backyard. And I was having a rough morning. I had a rough writing situation happen to me and I stretch every morning on my balcony. It's a routine that I have that after I drop the kids off. I'm going to spend 10 minutes stretching out there. And I didn't have my earbuds in and thank goodness, because I heard a dolphin doing that, you know, that like, like that blowhole thing. It was so close that I could hear it and it just totally. I stopped what I was doing and just said thank you because it just. That was me experiencing awe. Do I experience awe every time I see a dolphin? No, because it is so common for us. We see them every day. But just these moments of like training yourself to like, no, I'm going to stop what I'm doing. I'm going to give this all of my attention and wow, like, the goodness of God is here, right here in my backyard. I just think it's so. It's so important. It changes our perspective. It gives us perspective. Yeah.
- [38:32]
B
I mean, there is an animal with a blowhole.
- [38:34]
A
Yeah.
- [38:35]
B
When you just take a quick second to be like, what in the world? What in the world? You know, they're like down in the ocean here, these animals. We watched a documentary just the other day with our kids and it was one about the ocean and they're just like floored. It's just like a whole underwater world and all these colors and fish and. You know, for the longest time nobody even knew it was down there. It wasn't until they got this scuba gear. You people are like, what? Like, it's just like blue, you know?
- [39:02]
A
Yeah. Like they didn't know.
- [39:03]
B
But if you look a little bit closer and like, there's an animal with this blow hole, it is just incredible. I love that feeling awe. This is what you write has numerous benefits for our minds and bodies, including calming inflammation, reducing pain perception, and calming down our brain's stress center. Aw. Also stimulates the release of oxytocin, which is the love hormone that promotes bonding. So if you can even be in awe with others, yes, that's going to help promote bonding. So this is a great thing. Like you talk about just trying to have to be a little bit more attentive to what's going on and you might experience more awe on a regular basis. It's really going to help you out, I think. So talk to us about being in the military. So you talk about moving around for years. You're moving around every time you have to move. You're pregnant, you just giving birth. It's very stressful. Then you've got a child with significant disability, a high risk pregnancy. So you're moving, moving, moving. And your military years taught you to be adventurers.
- [40:01]
A
Yeah, for sure.
- [40:02]
B
Talk to us about that.
- [40:03]
A
Yeah. I think that, you know, I would never describe myself as an outdoorsy person. I never would have described myself that way. And I think because we. My. Because of my husband's an orthodontist, and that's a very different career track in the military. And because he needed different trainings, we moved around a lot. And then because of our son with down syndrome, we also moved around a lot, too. And so we knew our time was so limited, no matter where we lived. And we're like, we're going to see it all, you know? And I think that because our time was so limited, it helped us to, like, go seek things out that we had never seen before. And I'm so. Yes, the military was hard, and it was so good for my soul because it taught me how to invest in the place that I lived, invest in people I was meeting. To be very, very present, I would say, would be the biggest gift that our military years gave us.
- [41:03]
B
Ah. I guess. I mean, this is gonna sound so ignorant, but I have never heard of a military orthodontist.
- [41:11]
A
Yeah, well, there's only 33 in the air Force, so it's very, very small. So. No, you're not alone.
- [41:21]
B
Only 33.
- [41:23]
A
Yeah.
- [41:23]
B
So they're just helping.
- [41:26]
A
So they treat kids. So, like, if you're stationed overseas, right, like, and your kid needs orthodontist, who are they going to go to? So they treat overseas patients, kids stateside, they only treat people with really complex cases, like, they can't properly chew a sandwich because their bite is so messed up, that type of thing. So, no, it's. It's very, very specialized. Huh.
- [41:49]
B
How did your husband even know about it?
- [41:52]
A
Because when he asked my dad if he could marry me, my dad said, how are you gonna pay for school? And Andy said, loans, I guess. And my dad said, no, I want you to look into the military. That's how I paid for my dental school. My dad is also a dentist. And so Andy did. He. He looked into the military, and we. We did live that military life for 10 years.
- [42:16]
B
Where did you live? What. What were some of the different places you were at?
- [42:19]
A
We lived in Las Vegas, Alamogordo, New Mexico, Tucson, Arizona, San Antonio, Texas, and Colorado Springs.
- [42:29]
B
Yeah, that's a lot of places. And now you're back in Florida. That is a lot of places. And like you said, with a child with disability and this high risk experience pregnancy, that's a lot of moving.
- [42:40]
A
It was a lot of moving. I can't Remember, I always get this wrong. I think we lived in a total of seven states together, and we did all of that within eight years, I think.
- [42:53]
B
Yeah. That's a lot to hold. Wow. That's a lot to hold.
- [42:55]
A
It's something I got. I'm getting that wrong. But it was. It was a very. It was a lot of moving.
- [42:59]
B
Well, and, you know, the. You had the sentence, and you talked about this at the beginning, but between the two boys, between Preston and Anderson, there was 18 specialists between them. So if you consider moving, which is a big upheaval and difficult, and then you have these 18 specialists and you have to take your child now probably to somebody new who doesn't have your history, and you have to kind of start over and start over. That's a lot to carry.
- [43:24]
A
Coordinating their care was probably the hardest part of moving, for sure.
- [43:29]
B
Yeah. Wow. And now, though, you're in this spot of reorder in this Back in the Space Coast. Can you talk to us about scars? This is one of the themes of the book. It's always interesting to me that God made it so that we have. Can have scars.
- [43:45]
A
Yeah.
- [43:45]
B
That some things heal and you would never know. And some things have scars. And you talk about the difference between internal scars and external scars. And you have some really beautiful passages about how far that you've come. And your scars can sometimes remind you of how far you've come, whether they're internal or external. Can you talk about that?
- [44:05]
A
Yeah, I think so. The scarring process takes a really long time. Like, even if a scar, like, almost immediately appears, it can take, I think, almost two years for it to all settle beneath the service surface. And the reason I included that in the book is, like, I believe that oftentimes healing, not cures necessarily, but healing, which is different from curing, is that process is slow. And I think sometimes it's supposed to be that way. Right. When something. I talk about how my scars are internal, my boy's scars are external. But the healing work of God moves through us slowly. Like we are supposed to be changed by the things. The painful things that we experience in our lives. And so when I look at my boy's scars that are external, they remind me that they both mark pain and they mark our healing. And that same scars that they wear on their bodies, I also wear inside of me. Like, I have experienced much pain. And those scars also point to my healing. And my healing, in the sense of going through the unexpected, shouldn't leave us quite the same. We should be changed by Those experiences. And I'm not who I once was before those things happened to me. And I, I not saying that I would take all of. I would do it all again. That's not what I'm saying. However, I can say that good things did come of it. And scars can be a reminder of that, that like, yes, this hurts, this pain will always live inside of me some way. And good things were born out of it as well.
- [45:51]
B
You wrote I am more vulnerable and I am stronger than I once was because of my scars. My scars remind me of all I have lost and all God has done. Although I sometimes feel sad, even now when looking back, I also feel grateful. I love differently and more deeply than I once loved. It's so beautiful. And you talk about, you know, when you're at the Ronald McDonald House, you say most of the people under that roof are in the middle of one of their life's hardest chapters. So then you can go forth and be a person that really understands that and, and can be someone who's really foundational in helping others who are in that time of their life. You said this, that when Anderson, when, when the boys are younger, he's going through surgeries, you know, he's got two more surgeries and Preston has two surgeries as well. You say life was really hard and life was really sweet. But you call those the in house years. The in house years. Can you give encouragement for the parent who's listening, who is in the in house years?
- [46:47]
A
Yeah, I mean, I kind of considered our in house years, not only because we had children who were sickly, but also just those, those little years, you know, where it's just hard to, to go out. I remember being in awe of people who would like, have these, like gaggled, really tiny children out. And that just, that wasn't. We just were never good at that. And also we are because our son has down syndrome. Eloping is a big part of that diagnosis, especially when they're little. And so it was always a safety hazard when we went out. So. But anyways, I think if I was giving a parent an encouragement who feels like they're in house, like their, their days are repetitive, their weekends are repetitive. I would say to try to intentionally break up the weekend from the week. For us, that was. We did a Friday night date night is what we called it. And it was nothing that special, but it was special to us. My husband would be in charge of putting the kids down for bed, and I would make us some delicious dinner that our kids would never eat. But I also, I do enjoy cooking. Sometimes it was takeout, but I also, I do enjoy cooking and the whole process of it. And when you don't have little kids at your feet, you know, like the smelling the garlic that's sauteing and anyways, and then we would have a candlelight dinner and then we would watch a show that we would only allow ourselves to watch on Friday. So it was different and special. It was something we were looking forward to, you know, and that's. I don't know, I would just say if you're in your in house years, like trying to come up with some rituals that are special. It's like give yourself something to look forward to and you don't have to be a cook. You can like, okay, we're gonna try a new takeout place every single Friday and, or Saturday or what have you. And we're going to sit here and we're gonna enjoy each other's company. Yeah. Or it could be something with your kids too. But I think coming up with things to look forward to. Yeah.
- [48:44]
B
You talk about being intentional because you say beauty can become the background. You write. There is always beauty, even in shared living spaces far from home. Even besides beds. Even besides bed. All right. Even by the side. What? Maybe I typoed it. Let me look it up in the book. All right, here I go. I'm going to read it directly from. Even in shared living spaces, far from home, even by bedsides, even in the steps of walking from one hospital wing to another, beauty runs alongside what makes us ache. That's beautiful. These are really beautiful reminders. And you talk about. Then you also have to have rest. That sustains our busyness. We talked about with the orthodontics. You know, when you think of orthodontics, you think of, well, now younger kids, right? Like it starts younger. You used to think of like 12 year olds or 13 year olds, orthodontics. But you're like now sometimes your husband will see a retiree here or there and they're busy.
- [49:37]
A
Yeah. The busiest they've ever been. They say.
- [49:42]
B
Busy.
- [49:42]
A
Yeah.
- [49:42]
B
Busy as they've ever been. So then you just talk about making sure that you prioritize rest and making sure that you're not too busy, that you miss the beauty all around you. So. What a wonderful book, Jillian. It is called Overwhelmed and Grateful. The Key to Finding God's Goodness in All Life's Ups and Downs. It is available wherever you get your books. It's out now. I know there was a little bit of A hiccup in. That's always hard, you know, in the timing of things. But by the time this podcast goes live, this book will be available for you. It is the second book from Jillian. The first is called the Gift of the Unexpected. So. What an honor. I really enjoyed reading it and thankful that you put your story out in words, because people struggle with a lot of things, and I think they need the reminder that the disorder period doesn't last forever, and neither does the order period. So you kind of have to know in advance what to expect and what might be coming. And maybe that's something that you teach your kids about. You know, there are periods in life when you talk about, it's completely out of the blue. Like, the. You say this. The surprise is not a welcome one. Even if we know an ending is on the horizon, nothing can fully prepare us for the storm's level of impact. We must make our way through the debris to find a new path. So, such an important book to read, such an honor to get to know you a little bit better today. We always end our show with the same question, and the question question is, what's a favorite memory from your childhood that was outside. Oh.
- [51:09]
A
Sorry, let me think about that one for a second. I. Okay. I think it was visiting the Mayflower in. Outside of Boston. I just remember it being, like, a really beautiful day and like, Plymouth Rock is so boring, but I just. I think it was, like, such a gorgeous day, like, exploring those things with my whole family. You know, my sister was, like, about to go to college and all of that, but I'm eight years younger than her, and. Yeah, that's the one that that floated to the top there was just, like. It was not, like an outdoorsy experience, but yet the whole thing was outdoors and lovely.
- [51:46]
B
Isn't that interesting? Like, you say you grew up on the. On the Space coast, so you're like, by the ocean, and it's not one of those. And so sometimes you can miss, like, the expansiveness of beauty that's around you in your childhood because you're just doing and going and doing different things. And, like, it's like, when you come back to it, that's when you. That's when you really see it. So how interesting. How interesting that you're living on the Space coast. And the answer is from Boston. That's great.
- [52:10]
A
Well, you know, like, I think it's probably a good thing. I've. I've read about this before. Like, with vacations, there's, like, more anticipatory joy when you repeat a vacation. Like, let's say you go to the beach every year, but there's more. A different kind of joy. I don't know, but joy of the unexpected. And you can remember the things that you don't do all the time, which is probably why the beach to me was something we did all the time. And I always lived at the beach. But it's probably why that memory floated to the top. I think it's good to again to create variety. Things to look forward to. Yeah.
- [52:42]
B
Yeah. It's novel. It's novel. I love it. Well, Jillian, thank you so much for being here and huge congrats on your new book.
- [52:48]
A
Thank you so much. Appreciate it.
- [52:54]
B
And Doug Limu and I always tell you to customize your car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. But now we want you to feel it. Cue the emu music. Limu. Save yourself money today. Increase your wealth.
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A
Customize and save.
- [53:10]
B
We save. That may have been too much feeling.
- [53:14]
A
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- [53:17]
B
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