The 1000 Hours Outside Podcast
Episode: 1KHO 634: Our Souls Crave to be Seen | Toni Collier, Don't Try This Alone
Host: Jenny Yurich
Guest: Toni Collier
Date: November 28, 2025
Episode Overview
This episode is a heartfelt and candid conversation between host Jenny Yurich and guest Toni Collier, author, speaker, podcaster, and singer, centering around Toni’s newest book Don’t Try This Alone: How to Build Deep Community When You Want to Hide from Your Pain. The discussion focuses on the necessity of deep, authentic connection, how confessional community changes lives, the bravery required to form adult friendships, and the way these elements shape childhood and family legacy. Toni shares personal stories of hardship, particularly around divorce, and the essential role of genuine community on the journey toward healing and wholeness.
Key Discussion Points and Insights
Toni’s Story & The Power of Not Healing Alone
[01:34]
- Toni introduces herself openly: “I’ve been divorced twice and for a 34-year-old, that's a whole lot of life in a short amount of time… My first divorce, I was in a really abusive situation… I didn’t have a lot of community and so I made some real sketchy decisions… The second divorce...I had community this time... You experience a level of freedom and healing that is different.”
- Central insight: “Maybe it’s not the pain that takes us out. Maybe it’s trying to manage it alone that does.” — Toni Collier
Confessional Community: What Is It & Why Does It Matter?
[02:55 – 04:27]
- Toni explains Dr. Kurt Thompson’s idea of “confessional community” — intentionally gathering with a small group that commits to honesty, confession, and support.
- In her group, seven women meet in person yearly and monthly for three hours of truthful sharing. “It has changed me from the inside out.”
- It’s about being seen, soothed, safe, and secure. Sometimes these groups start as strangers, but the commitment leads to transformation.
Why It’s So Hard to Make Friends as an Adult
[05:12 – 08:34]
- Adult friendships require bravery. Childhood and college structure friendship opportunities; adulthood doesn’t.
- “It’s so much easier to make friends as children… We don’t have so much baggage in our story… We just bop around like little Teletubbies on the playground: ‘Do you want to be my friend?’... There’s not a lot of shame, not a lot holding her back. So there is this bravery that comes with childhood.” — Toni Collier [06:10]
- As adults, the pain of betrayal, personality labels (“I’m an introvert...I have social anxiety”), and the lack of external structure make stepping out daunting.
- “It’s no excuse for you not to practice bravery, because that's what it's going to take.” — Toni Collier
The Skill Gap: From Childhood to Adult Friendships
[09:38 – 13:15]
- Jenny and Toni discuss how structured childhood activities don’t teach the actual skill of making friends independently, which becomes critical in adulthood.
- Toni gives practical advice: practice being brave, initiate conversation, and remember you’re not the only one who feels awkward or alone.
Layered Friendships & Going Deeper
[10:32 – 12:26]
- Adulthood requires balancing surface-level, fun groups (gym, church, book club friends) and deeper confessional community.
- “Even Jesus had circles… His most intimate circle was… Peter, James, and John. Sometimes when we’re going through really hard things, you can’t bring everybody in. You gotta find those people that can hold the weightiness of your pain.” — Toni Collier
- The importance of “getting off the surface and into the deep.”
Passing Down Deep Connection to Kids
[13:00 – 16:22]
- Childhood patterns matter. “The most common thing people say when they come to her [Dr. Madeline Levine] is: ‘Nobody really knows me.’”
- Toni shares how her daughter wanted a confessional community; her counselor started a group therapy session for sixth graders: “My daughter is going to experience what we all deeply long for in the sixth grade. Maybe for the first time, she’s going to look across the room and see a girl the same age as her, who’s battling the same things.”
- Intergenerational healing: “Our healing isn’t for us as parents… it can’t stop with us. Can you imagine what the world would look like in 10 years with healthy, considerate, compassionate young people that actually feel seen and known?”
Breaking the Cycle: From Surface Fun to Deep Healing
[20:10]
- Toni describes her family’s avoidance of hard conversations, highlighting generational cycles: “My family just doesn’t talk about stuff… We didn’t talk about things. So you just bop around, and I just think our souls crave to be seen.”
- The transformative moment: “When you allow people to deeply see your pain and they don’t leave the room… it changes you. It heals you.”
How to Practically Find & Practice Friendship as an Adult
[22:28 – 27:29]
- Be intentional about where you look for friends:
- List 3–5 places you’ve been where you could meet friends (the gym, church, the park).
- List 3–5 new places to try (restaurants, card game night, etc).
- Approach strangers, pay sincere compliments, ask to connect.
- Vulnerability is key: “My perfection and my success did not bring me more friends. When I decided to let a few into the depths of my pain… I became more secure in who I was.”
- Surface-level connections fill time; only a few need to be in your “deep” circle.
Notable Quote
“When I decided to open up, when I let a few into the depths of my pain—my goodness—I became more secure in who I was. Isn’t that weird? That I was more insecure with a whole bunch of people around me than a few people that knew all my junk?”
— Toni Collier [24:20]
Bravery in Small Interactions
[27:29 – 34:05]
- Toni describes how even asking a waiter, “What’s your name? Is there anything I can be praying for?” can be intimidating, but incredibly impactful.
- Small acts of outward care train you for deeper connections elsewhere.
- Both hosts share stories about feeling invisible as overwhelmed young parents and how much small gestures mean in those moments.
Giving and Receiving in Community
[34:12 – 36:53]
- Toni explains, “The longing to give that to other people is because I’ve experienced it myself… I’ve experienced a level of community and of help and of tender care and withness so vast, it’s oozing out of me.”
- Specific examples: friends furnishing bedrooms, giving a mattress or a mirror, meeting tangible needs, all possible because she was willing to be vulnerable.
Notable Quote
“Stop trying to play the strong friend all the time. You can experience the goodness of community and get so full that it oozes out of you for other people.”
— Toni Collier [35:35]
Knowing and Being Known—The Depth of Friendship
[37:33 – 40:19]
- Real friends know your needs so intimately they can replace your fridge without asking—or say exactly what you need to hear during heartache.
- “If you’ve got a friend that is in that situation in life… know their fridge dimensions!” — Jenny Yurich
Conversation Starters and Building Skills
[40:38 – 42:09]
- Have a list of questions for different “layers” of conversation, as modeled by Jenny Allen’s daughter.
- “We don’t have to go deep super fast. Read the room. Start surface level, or go deeper if it’s appropriate. Practice those things.” — Toni Collier
Friendship in Childhood Sets a Pattern for Life
[42:09 – 43:39]
- Early friendships shape self-esteem, emotional development, and future expectations.
- Teaching kids how to make and maintain friends is as important as anything else they’ll learn.
Redemption, Not Replacement
[43:39 – 47:09]
- Toni gets personal about remarrying quickly after her first divorce: “I think sometimes we want redemption so bad we’ll try to create it for ourselves, as if that’s not God’s job.”
- Details how only deep friendships provided the wisdom, accountability, and courage to make hard but healthy decisions in the face of betrayal.
Children’s Book and Podcast Projects
[47:47 – 51:29]
- Broken Crayons Still Color — Toni’s children’s book for emotional intelligence, self-regulation, and naming feelings, inspired by her daughter.
- The Still Coloring podcast — done in intentional, themed seasons, often featuring both peer guests and psychologists.
Final Reflections & Favorite Childhood Outdoor Memory
[52:28 – 53:24]
- Toni shares her favorite outside childhood memory: spinning her friends wildly on a Ferris wheel-style playground ride.
- Jenny highlights how such simple joys are vital for development and connection.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)
- “Maybe it’s not the pain that takes us out. Maybe it’s trying to manage it alone that does.”
— Toni Collier [01:56] - “Our souls crave to be seen. Like the real, raw stuff—the, ‘I’m battling with an addiction, I’ve got these insecurities.’”
— Toni Collier [20:15] - “When you allow people to deeply see your pain and they don’t leave the room… it changes you. It heals you.”
— Toni Collier [21:32] - “It’s no excuse for you not to practice bravery. Because that's what it's going to take.”
— Toni Collier [08:23] - “Be the first to go. Be the most brave one in the room. Curate the community, you know?”
— Toni Collier [32:17] - “The greatest thing we could be known for is being able to say, ‘I’ve got people that know the depths of me... and they are one heck of a lineup.’”
— Toni Collier [36:55] - “Stop trying to play the strong friend all the time... get so full that it oozes out of you for other people.”
— Toni Collier [35:56]
Timestamps for Important Segments
- 01:34 — Toni’s personal journey and the necessity of community for healing.
- 02:55–04:27 — What is a confessional community; origins and practice.
- 05:12–08:34 — The challenge and mechanics of building adult friendships; need for bravery.
- 10:32–12:26 — Distinguishing deep from surface-level friendships.
- 13:15–16:22 — Passing healing and connection strategies to children.
- 20:10 — Generational cycles and our “craving to be seen.”
- 22:28–27:29 — Practical ways to find and cultivate new adult friendships.
- 27:29–34:05 — The power of small, kind acts and their ripple effect in forming connections.
- 34:12–36:53 — Community support during crisis and its lasting impact.
- 43:39–47:09 — Toni’s remarriage story and how true friends brought real redemption.
- 47:47–51:29 — “Broken Crayons Still Color,” Still Coloring podcast, and the power of story.
- 52:28–53:24 — Toni’s most cherished outdoor childhood memory and its significance.
Summary Flow & Tone
Throughout the episode, both Jenny and Toni maintain an open, empathetic, and occasionally humorous tone, using storytelling, practical advice, and faith perspective to encourage listeners to step beyond surface-level connections. Toni’s vulnerability models what deep, confessional community can look like, while the conversation offers actionable steps for building such relationships — both for adults and children. The episode is honest but hope-filled, urging listeners: “Don’t try this alone.”
For Listeners
This episode is a compassionate guide for anyone feeling lonely, craving deep connection, or wondering how to cultivate meaningful friendships as an adult or instill those values in their children. The stories, research, and wisdom shared by Toni and Jenny will leave you inspired to take brave steps toward finding or building your own confessional community.
Recommended Action:
- Pick one practical bravery challenge mentioned (initiate a conversation, try a new activity, start a group) and take the first step this week!