Podcast Summary

The 1000 Hours Outside Podcast

Episode: 1KHO 651: Pushing Isn’t Always the Answer | Aundi Kolber, Try Softer
Host: Ginny Urch
Guest: Aundi Kolber (author, trauma therapist)
Original Air Date: December 16, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode features a deep and compassionate conversation between Ginny Urch and therapist/author Aundi Kolber. The main theme focuses on tracing how relentless self-pressure (“try harder”) often harms us, and how a gentle, compassionate approach—what Kolber calls “try softer”—creates space for healing, especially from childhood trauma. The discussion weaves Kolber’s personal story, practical tools from her acclaimed book Try Softer, and an exploration of attachment, faith, and the role of beauty and nature in nervous system regulation. The episode resonates with parents, those healing from trauma, and anyone seeking kinder self-connection.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Genesis and Power of “Try Softer”

[03:29–08:38]

• A single question that changed everything:
  Kolber describes how her therapy supervisor, John, gently asked her, “What if you tried softer?” during a period of overwhelm and over-responsibility.

  “I was feeling really... over-responsible. I wanted to do a good job, but so much so that it was actually almost harming me.” – Aundi Kolber [04:45]

• The White-Knuckle Mindset:
  Urch and Kolber discuss the societal default of self-pushing, “white-knuckling” through, and how “try softer” isn’t passive—it’s about mindful, compassionate engagement with stress and healing.

• Somatic Connection:
  Kolber relates this shift to sports: “When you shoot like a jump shot, if you try too hard, you’ll miss.” [07:33]—emphasizing flow over force.

2. Roots of Over-Responsibility: Childhood Trauma

[10:26–16:17]

• Kolber’s Story:
  She shares a poignant memory from her 13th birthday: her mother, overwhelmed and suicidal, left home, leaving Kolber feeling terrified and dissociated.

  “I found only a short note saying that she loved us but couldn’t stay anymore... I simply ached because where was my mom?” – Quoting Kolber’s book [16:03]

• Parental Trauma:
  Kolber’s parents both struggled with their own trauma and addiction—contextualizing why children might over-accommodate and never “let their guard down.”

• Impact on Later Life:
  Kolber draws a direct line from these childhood experiences to adult patterns of self-pressure, lack of trust, and people-pleasing.

3. The Importance of Safe Relationships & Attunement

[20:48–24:48]

• “Your Nervous System Can Relax There”:
  Kolber explains the science of co-regulation. John’s ability to be grounded created a non-verbal cue of safety for Kolber.

  “Our communication... I think it’s something like 80% nonverbal.” [22:02]
  “John was not perfect, but he was grounded and regulated in his own body... that allowed me to be myself. And that was a cue of safety.” [22:39]

• Attachment and Parenting:
  Secure attachment doesn’t require perfection. It’s about attunement, repair, and “doing better than you think."

4. Compassionate Healing & The Myth of ‘Try Harder’

[26:46–31:00]

• Generational and Cultural Pressure:
  Many feel pressure to be “perfect” parents, but self-compassion is as vital as attaining skillfulness.

  “The compassion that we offer ourselves in the places where we are not always getting it right is as important as getting it right.” – Aundi Kolber [27:46]

• Shame Blocks Healing:
  The answer to generational pain is not more striving and shame, but gently honoring how survival mechanisms served us in the past.

• The Changeable Nature of Attachment:
  Attachment is a “template,” not a fixed diagnosis—you can change how you relate to yourself and others.

5. Practical Tools for Softer Living

[31:00–32:57]

• Tiny Steps to Gentleness:
  Try questions like, “What is the gentlest thing I could do today?” Practice mindfulness, seek nature, and model repair for your children.

• Faith Integration:
  Kolber blends attachment science with faith, seeing God as the ultimate secure and loving parent.

6. The Prodigal Son, Spiritual Attachment, and Secure Base

[32:57–41:42]

• The Prodigal’s Parent:
  Kolber interprets the biblical story of the prodigal son as a metaphor for secure attachment and unconditional love.

  “He was too busy preparing for the celebration... The experience itself was enough of the teacher.” [38:23]

• God’s Posture Toward Us:
  Emphasizing “connection before correction,” paralleling Dan Siegel's parenting research—adults and kids alike need presence, not perfection.

• Earned Secure Attachment:
  Some people develop security later (“earned secure attachment”), which may involve grief, but is possible through relationships and faith.

7. The Role of Broader Systems

[44:40–47:25]

• Beyond Families—Culture Shapes Us:
  Societal systems, faith settings, and schooling can also propagate “hustle equals worth” messages, impacting nervous systems and attachment templates.

• Curiosity Instead of Criticism:
  Kolber urges listeners to observe with “compassionate attention” wherever their sense of worth comes from.

8. Nature, Beauty, and Nervous System Regulation

[49:38–55:12]

• Beauty Hunting as Self-Kindness:
  Experiencing nature and beauty helps activate the vagus nerve, offering literal cues of safety to the body.

  “Beauty hunting... is this practice, right, of helping to allow our attention to be focused on things that bring that awareness to that beauty.” [49:38]

• Nature Is Accessible Healing:
  When relationships feel out of reach, nature offers a universally available form of comfort and is a fundamental part of trauma healing.

9. Play and Resilience: The Importance of Childhood Outdoors

[57:08–59:46]

• Outdoor Memories:
  Kolber’s healing as a child was often found outdoors—shooting basketball hoops, playing tag and hide & seek.

• The Science of Play:
  Play is critical: it combines “safety” with measured “discomfort,” helping children’s and adults’ nervous systems build resilience.

  “We actually don’t want to get rid of discomfort... play allows us to access discomfort in a way that’s safe, and that is part of a really important part of human development.” – Aundi Kolber [59:11]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On tending pain vs. pushing through

  “It’s easy to tell someone to heal. The hard work is what are the thousands of little, tiny, teeny decisions and steps underneath that?”
  (Aundi Kolber, 02:37)

• On John’s impact

  “He was one of those people who you would be around and you just could breathe easier... my nervous system could exhale.”
  (Aundi Kolber, 04:49)

• On generational trauma and shame

  “I am not ashamed of the person that I was and how I survived. It’s not that I want to continue in that way, but I do recognize I had very little choice.”
  (Aundi Kolber, 28:46)

• On the Prodigal Son story as secure base

  “The father wasn’t listening [to his son’s shame] because he was too busy preparing for the celebration.”
  (Ginny Urch, quoting Kolber, 38:23)

• On the purpose of play

  “Play allows us to access discomfort in a way that’s safe... those things together build resilience.”
  (Aundi Kolber, 59:11)

• On nature as resource

  “Nature provides so many cues of safety and beauty and, and, and a form of connection and regulation that actually builds... into sometimes other forms of safety.”
  (Aundi Kolber, 54:15)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 03:29 – Origin of “try softer” and Kolber’s shift from “white-knuckling”
• 10:26 – Traumatic childhood and 13th birthday story
• 20:48 – The science of co-regulation and attunement in relationships
• 26:46 – Generational pressure and the myth of “perfection”
• 32:57 – The prodigal son and spiritual secure attachment
• 40:25 – “Earned secure attachment” and the grief of not having it “naturally”
• 44:40 – Societal pressures and broad sources of “try harder” messaging
• 49:38 – Beauty hunting and nature as compassionate resourcing
• 57:08 – Outdoor childhood memories and the role of play in resilience
• 59:11 – Play as a safe space to build tolerance for discomfort

Conclusion & Takeaways

The episode powerfully dismantles the notion that relentless effort is the path to healing and thriving. Instead, Kolber’s “try softer” approach invites gentleness, self-compassion, and mindful attention to our own histories and present-moment needs. The combination of attachment science, practical exercises, faith, and the regulation offered through beauty and nature makes this conversation rich with hope and actionable wisdom—especially for parents, caregivers, and anyone healing from a past that taught them to hustle for their worth.

Recommended Resources:

• Try Softer by Aundi Kolber
• Strong Like Water and Take What You Need by Aundi Kolber
• Kolber’s Substack/website for further tools
• 1000 Hours Outside resources for intentional outdoor family time

End of Summary