RICHARD KIND Talks Coen Brothers, Death, And George Clooney

Summary

The Adam Friedland Show
Episode: RICHARD KIND Talks Coen Brothers, Death, And George Clooney
Date: October 15, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Adam Friedland Show features beloved character actor Richard Kind. The two engage in a lively, candid, and often irreverent discussion covering Richard’s long career in Hollywood, his relationship with George Clooney, typecasting and Jewish identity, brushes with mortality, approaches to acting, and plenty of comic detours. The dynamic between Adam and Richard is loose, rambunctious, and filled with mutual needling and genuine affection, resulting in a conversation that is as funny as it is unexpectedly profound.

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Major Themes & Discussion Points

1. Typecasting and Jewish Identity

• Richard Kind reflects on the aftermath of his role in "A Serious Man":
  • “Since I did Serious Man, I get offered every Jewish role.” (00:02)
  • Kind talks about his selective approach: “If the role wears its Judaism on its sleeve, like playing a rabbi or speaking Yiddish, stuff like that, I say no. If it has hints of it...that doesn’t matter.” (52:04)
  • Adam and Richard riff on the absurdity of Jewish roles and pitch a (purposefully) tasteless Holocaust movie idea, highlighting the meta-awareness of Jewish humor in Hollywood. (00:16, 52:47)

2. Hollywood Stories & Being George Clooney’s Friend

• Recurring bits about Clooney, media misquotes, and fame:
  • “Under special skills on my resume, I have 'friend of George Clooney.' People ask about George more than they ask about me.” — Richard Kind (10:43)
  • Richard expresses frustration at being misquoted: "Just recently I was misquoted in New Yorker magazine...I cleared it up, and still it was printed incorrectly." (11:02)
  • Adam's irreverent teasing, e.g., “You also said that George Clooney said that on January 6, they should have finished the job.” (12:11)

3. On Acting, Second City, and Career Decisions

• Entering acting instead of law:
  • “When you’re 40, you’re going to resent your wife and kids for having left your dream behind. So I tried it...I got away with it and I enjoyed it.” (13:01)
  • On his bar for success: “I used to say I didn’t want to have kids until I could afford to send them to camp.” (14:26)
• Improvisation and panel show experiences:
  • Richard humbly downplays his improv skills: “I was never as good as anybody thinks. I’m a good reactor...I don’t react always funny.” (26:22)
  • About his time on John Mulaney’s show: "The best thing I did on that show was keep my mouth shut...he's funnier than I am, he's more intelligent than I am." (27:16)

4. Meditations on Death, Aging, and Living Fully

• A poignant story about helping his elderly neighbor:
  • “I want to live forever. I want to see my kids grow up. I want to see every good movie...I love living. I am truly the guy who says 'I’ll sleep when I’m dead.' ...I don’t want to be John.” (19:02)
  • Adam jokes: “I really thought that story was going to have a punchline.” (20:11)
• Richard’s candid humor about aging and legacy: “My grandmother once told my family that she would rather die than go into an old age home. And today we shot her.” (50:24)

5. Craft: The Art of Acting According to Richard Kind

• Most important thing in a scene:
  • Adam: “What is the most important thing in any scene?”
    Richard: “The other person. That’s what’s most important.” (30:30)
• Role selection & working the craft:
  • “Do I ever wish for [a 'Paris, Texas' leading role]? I’ve had it a few times, but they’re not in big movies...In a play...I’ll always do a leading role, because the economic consequences are not as great.” (40:03)

6. Coen Brothers and “A Serious Man” (24:00–26:00)

• Inside working with the Coen Brothers:
  • “I call myself the Smuckers of acting. With a face like this, I better be good. But I wasn’t good for a long time. I pulled one over, and then I got good. And the Coen brothers—the writing is great.” (22:26)
  • “They write it together and they edit together... Joel does the directing for the actors. But you talk to Ethan, too, and Ethan was a philosophy major.” (23:02)
  • Adam: “There’s something about that movie that just lingers with you when it’s over.” (24:41)
  • Richard: “I think it’s a great date movie...Are they a thinker? How do they think? What do they think about death? Is it funny to them or was it sad?...It can generate discussion.” (24:55)

7. Comic Bits, Skits, and Improvisation

• Mock script reading: "The Audacity of Hope":
  • Adam and Richard improvise a faux-Obama biopic surfing scene, playing multiple roles including Obama, his adversary, Michelle, Malik, and even the ghost of George Washington (33:14–38:53)
  • George Washington’s ghost apologizes for slavery: “I’d like to apologize for slavery. I didn’t want to do it. But I got bullied into it. All of my friends, you know. So I hope you can forgive me.” — Richard as Washington (38:33)
• Playful back-and-forth about stand-up and old showbiz anecdotes:
  • Richard: “If somebody wrote for me, I could really do good in a heartbeat...But I’m not that witty. Would I be able to handle hecklers?” (49:08)
  • Adam: “No one’s gonna heckle you. You’re a beloved...We could write you a tight five in two—wouldn’t even take five minutes.” (49:28)

8. Showbiz Realities: Fame and Money

• On the economics of leading roles:
  • “When George Clooney says yes to a movie, an industry opens...When I do the lead in a movie, it’s $500,000 movie...And I don’t get paid much, and I get to be the star. And nobody sees it. Nobody.” (40:04)
    • Announces upcoming indie film: “In fact, I’m going out to Montauk to do a movie from October 21st to November 25th, and I am the lead in a movie. It’s called Blueberry Cafe, and you’ll never see it.” (41:34)

9. Jewishness, Therapy, and Humor

• Recurring jokes and self-awareness about Jewish identity:
  • Adam: “You know, my therapist...He said, you bring up being Jewish all the time.”
    Richard: “You do.”
    Adam: “And it’s always in the negative.” (53:54)
  • Anecdote: The last two Jews in Afghanistan who hated each other so much the Taliban released them from jail (54:18)

10. Comedy History and Anecdotes

• History of Caroline’s Comedy Club:
  • Richard recounts being a singing waiter in the Hamptons and witnessing how Caroline’s evolved from a restaurant with singing waiters to a powerhouse comedy club (46:14–49:00)
  • “Caroline loved the singing waiters. So she opened a restaurant—Caroline’s had singing waiters...On Mondays was stand-up comedy night. Eventually, it became stand-up all week; singing waiters gone.” (48:01)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “With a face like this, I better be good. But I wasn’t good for a long time. I pulled one over, and then I got good.” — Richard (22:26)
• “The other person. That’s what’s most important [in a scene].” — Richard (30:30)
• “I want to live forever...I love living. I am truly the guy who says, ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead.’” — Richard (19:02)
• “I’m not the most telegenic guy in the world.” — Richard (22:23)
• “If it wears its Judaism on its sleeve, I will turn it down.” — Richard (52:04)
• “You know what? Mondays I’ll have stand-up comedians come. So Mondays was stand-up comedy night. Eventually, it became stand-up all week; singing waiters gone.” — Richard (48:01)
• “I’d like to apologize for slavery. I didn’t want to do it. But I got bullied into it...So I hope you can forgive me.” — Richard as George Washington (38:33)

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Significant Timestamps

• 00:02: Richard on being typecast after "A Serious Man"
• 10:43: On friendship with George Clooney & media misquotes
• 13:01: The decision to pursue acting over law
• 19:02: Meditations on aging and mortality
• 22:23–24:55: The Coen Brothers & the legacy of "A Serious Man"
• 26:22–27:32: Improvisation, Mulaney’s show, and humility
• 30:30: Richard’s philosophy: the most important thing in a scene
• 33:14–38:53: “Audacity of Hope” mock script
• 40:03: On being a leading man vs a character actor, indie films
• 46:14–49:00: Singing waiter days and the creation of Caroline's
• 52:04: "I won’t do [roles] that wear Judaism on the sleeve"
• 54:18: True story: the two feuding Jews in Taliban Afghanistan

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Tone, Style, and Chemistry

• Conversational, fast, with numerous asides and comedic tangents
• Adam frequently teases, Richard plays along but grounds conversations with personal wisdom and old-school storytelling
• The humor constantly oscillates between playful irreverence and genuine candor, touching on personal and universal themes (aging, legacy, ambition, identity)

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Conclusion

This episode is a blend of showbiz war stories, Jewish humor, the philosophy of acting, and the strange realities of celebrity. Richard Kind’s self-deprecating wisdom and Adam Friedland’s offbeat style produce both laughs and moments of emotional resonance. For listeners, it’s a virtual masterclass in both acting and making meaning (and jokes) out of whatever life throws your way.

Transcript

[A]

Since I did Serious Man, I get offered every Jewish role.

[B]

Isn't that just so offensive?

[A]

It's not that offensive. I don't blame them.

[B]

So we're not going to do that next pitch that I have for you. It's a.

[A]

It's not a Jewish surfboard.

[B]

It's about the first Jew who died in the Holocaust.

[A]

Oh, that's funny.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I mean, like, it's like, come on, it's one Jew.

[B]

No, he's like, in line.

[A]

It's like one Jew.

[B]

He's like, in line for the first.

[A]

The first shoot.

[B]

I think it's a good idea. Hello and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show. I'm Adam Friedland. As always, I gotta shout out our members here on YouTube.com if you would like to join the Friedland Family foundation and get bonus content, your name in the credits, discounts on merch, and access to episodes before everyone else. You can do so by hitting the join button at the top of the page or by clicking the link in the description below. Also, if you prefer to support us through Patreon, we have a link in our description to our Patreon. My guest this week is beloved character actor Richard Kind. Of course, he's known for his roles in projects such as serious man, Sharknado2. The list goes on and on. He's the kind of actor where every time he appears on the screen, he just makes you smile. You feel like you've run into an old friend or something. Kind of like when you see. What's her name fucking. What's the redhead from Boogie Nights?

[A]

Julianne Moore.

[B]

Kind of like when you see Julianne Moore's tiz. Now, during the research process, I tried to find some commonality between me and the guest. And I'll be honest with you guys, this one had me stumped. Like, what could I possibly have in common with character actor Richard Kind? As many of you know, I'm an outsider in the traditional media complex. People have described me as a punk rocker or a disruptor. I don't know what that means. But Richard Kine could not be further from my world. He's a Hollywood mainstay. He's entrenched in the establishment, the studio system, and he's been there for decades. He's bedded some of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, famously. And I prefer to keep my sexuality a secret. Kind of like Pedro Pascal, I enjoy spending my time with my staff here at the Adam Friedland Show. Meanwhile, Richard's someone who rubs shoulders with a listers. His Best friend's George Clooney and his second best friend is George Clooney's wife. But despite the circumstances, this was one of the most intriguing and inspiring conversations of my life. Two strangers from two different worlds who, through the power of dialogue, find that we're all just human. We live in divided times. Most Americans prefer binging on streaming services instead of helping a neighbor who's being beaten to death. So after the end credits. Theme song plays in this episode. And you're sitting there in your living room. Go out of your house, go up to a stranger, any stranger, don't be afraid, no matter who it is, and say hello. I think you're going to like what happens next. So with that, my interview with Richard Khan. Guys, enjoy it. He's Jewish also. Oh, he's also Jewish. You are so right. Yeah. Well, should we leave the Julia Moore part? I think it's fine. This episode is sponsored by Roe. Roe Sparks are a 2 in 1 prescription treatment for guys who need a secret weapon. It's the new wave. They hit the bloodstream faster because they dissolve right under the tongue. So no more waiting to perform. After Rose Sparks dissolve, they work in 15 minutes on average. They can give you a boost to last longer. They can give you a bigger and a longer erection. And sparks stay active in your system for up to 36 hours. So you can get back to back to back to back, round after round and be ready the morning after to to have sex. The best part is it's 100% online, so there's no awkward conversations with in person providers. If approved, treatment ships directly to your door. If prescribed, New sexual health patients get $15 off your first order of Sparks on a recurring plan. So connect with a provider at RO Co TAFS to find out if prescription row Sparks are right for you. That's ro for $15 off your first order. Ladies and gentlemen, legendary Hollywood actor Richard Kind. Everyone. I was 15 minutes late.

[A]

Sit down, sit down. Everybody sit down. The band sounds great.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. No, we pipe them in. We have cool in the gang, actually.

[A]

Is that true?

[B]

Live via satellite. Nice. Yeah, yeah. They play a different song. It's incredibly expensive. Thank you for coming.

[A]

My pleasure to be here.

[B]

I was 15 minutes late.

[A]

But why?

[B]

My dog ate some shit.

[A]

Oh, that's the worst I just heard last night. I'm walking on the street and two beautiful dogs and lovely, lovely woman.

[B]

I wouldn't call them that.

[A]

What? The woman was not a dog. The dogs were dogs.

[B]

All right, Come on.

[A]

But the woman was describing One of the dogs eight a towel and they. They sit at home together and she has a camera and she watches the dogs during the day while she's at work. They don't play with each other and they're brother and sister.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Isn't that sort of fascinating?

[B]

You want to hear something beautiful?

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

Okay. My dog, she's a real piece of crap. I got her off the streets.

[A]

Great.

[B]

No, I rescued her. She's a pit bull. She's from Bedford Stuyvesant.

[A]

Now I have to like you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I'm a really good guy. Her name's Isis, which was difficult. I call her Icy because I can't be at the dog park. I can't be like, I'm training with isis, you know, Like. Okay, of course. So, Isis, I. First of all, Isis has been shitting all night in the house. It's like I have a newborn or something. Yeah, she's sick. She's sick right now, so I haven't gotten any sleep. And I say, you know, she's a big fan too. She. She would be. It would break her heart if she

[A]

knew what's her favorite thing I've done. Go ahead. Okay, go ahead. Talk about the dog. We gotta hur.

[B]

Girl is smelling piss is her favorite thing. But, yeah, she can't get enough of it, actually.

[A]

So what. What's the diagnosis?

[B]

So, I don't know. She. They just gave her some antibiotics or something, and I'm feeding her.

[A]

Okay, let me ask a couple of questions. How long ago did you find her?

[B]

I found her now, I think 10 years ago. Okay, so. So she was a depressed woman, okay. And some guy was like, I was just breeding her at my grandmother's house. She has nowhere to live. And her, like, nipples were distended because she was a breeder dog for, like, fight dogs, right? Miserable. She was depressed. She was like. And she was sad. And when I got her, and then she got a big, huge street fight, like within a week of me getting her. And I'd never had a dog before. And I listen, I'm like the definition of a gentrifier. Like, I'm like a Jewish guy that's like 150 pounds, wet, with like a murder machine on, like, on a leash. And so she gets in this terrible fight with this other pit bull, and then with another, this bagger of Vance shows up, this ghost. And he said, you want to get the dogs to stop fighting? He's like, you got to put a stick up they ass. And then so I Put it. I was putting a stick up my.

[A]

Hold on, hold on.

[B]

Wait, wait.

[A]

Are you serious? A stick up the ass?

[B]

A stick up the ass. Well, it'll get anyone to stop fighting. Really.

[A]

I understand. But there's. There's a. An expression. Put a stick up their ass. And then there's the reality of sticking a stick up their ass.

[B]

I literally. I couldn't find a stick, so I ended up putting. Full disclosure. I ended up putting. I'm not. I'm no kink. Kinky guy. But I put my finger, and she released immediately. Anyway, so terrible dog, but she's been. She loves. Okay, we're walking. We're walking down the street. We see a boy dog. This is like a year ago. A doppelganger. Exactly. Looks exactly like her. And I said, oh, my God, they could be twins. My dog starts jumping up, spinning, jumping up, spinning, jumping up, spinning. The boy dog's, like, bored. He doesn't care. I say, oh, yeah, you know, like, she's a Brooklyn dog. I got her on, like, you know, on green, between, like, Malcolm X and I forgot the other cross street. And he said, oh, this dog's from that same block. I said, how old is he? How old is he? And they said, he's nine. And I said, she's 10. And so I think she met her son.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

I started weeping.

[A]

But there's so many reasons why I'm gonna go back to another part of the story is the amount of legal damage that could have been thrust upon you, much less physical damage. Much less physical damage to you. To physical damage to somebody else. With a dog like that, like you say, it's a killing machine.

[B]

She was still in survival mode.

[A]

I mean, I heard a story about somebody walking their dog in the Hamptons, and the dog attacked the other dog, killed it.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, that's classic Hamptons for you, isn't it, Dunkley?

[A]

Yes, it is. I mean, they're just ruthless. The Hamptons is ruthless.

[B]

Maybe in West Hampton, they bring lawsuits. I don't even consider that the Hamptons. I call it worst Hampton. Okay, we're sorry. Our audience is petty, less and alone. So I don't know if that's a good place to start.

[A]

Well, stick a finger up their ass. I'll stick a finger up the ass of all your audience.

[B]

Yeah, well, it's funny, because there is that legendary story. Speaking of crapping in animals, there's the legendary. You were roommates with Mr. George Clooney. I'm sure you're asked about this all the time.

[A]

All the time. Let's not ask about it now.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Now I'm going to stop. I'll stop. I'm going to tell you a couple of things.

[B]

Took a shit on your dog.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's the story I will tell you. I get asked. My joke is that under special skills on my resume, I have a friend of George Clooney. People. More people ask about George than they ask about me.

[B]

I didn't mean to.

[A]

I know you don't mean to. And we didn't talk. Let me just say this is how improvised and fresh this is. We didn't even pre interview, so he doesn't know. Don't ask a lot about George because I'm going to tell you why. It's because he gets asked about by me a lot, number one. Number two, I talk and I talk and I talk and I talk. And I might say something that may be interpreted as negative about George. And you know what? Just recently I was misquoted in New Yorker magazine and in the. The notes. They had like an interview, a fact checking thing. I cleared it up. And still it was printed incorrectly.

[B]

I read that you. You said that George Clooney wants China to invade Taiwan, didn't you?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Why would you say.

[A]

This is why I don't like to talk about it. They misunderstand.

[B]

Why would you say that?

[A]

People misunderstood.

[B]

That's a globe.

[A]

I know. It's a wrong decision.

[B]

Wife's at the U.N. i mean, it's just crazy.

[A]

It was horrible. Yeah. Okay. And anything we'll say could be taken by the New York Post and turned. So. So I don't like to talk about George. And yet as stories go on.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I always bring them up, but I'm not going to. I try not to.

[B]

You also said that George Clooney said that on January 6, they should have finished the job.

[A]

Why are you going there?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

You're. You're so.

[B]

I was late.

[A]

You're in my. What do you want to know about me?

[B]

I first became aware of you during Spin the City. That was like when I was a kid.

[A]

And yet I had a life before that. But that's okay. No, no, no. But that's how old you are.

[B]

But I understand. But I understand from my research you grew up in Philly. And you and I were at a very similar crossroads in our lives. We both were going to go to law school and then we pursued our fabulous artistic pursuit.

[A]

Yeah. Well, I'd say it. And this is I mean, anybody who's seen an interview with me, I always say this. My dad's best friend said, try out what, Roy Cohn.

[B]

He was the lawyer for the McCarthy hearings.

[A]

Well, George. He was George's lawyer, and then told me to hook onto Roy Cohn. So my dad's best friend said, try acting, because when you're 40, you're going to resent your wife and kids for having left your dream behind. So I tried it, and I actually wasn't any good, but I got away with it and I enjoyed it then. Okay, I'm going to tell you something that I think is sort of interesting and it hit me is that when you're around 27, 28, 29, and you're an actor, all of a sudden, at that age, you want a house, you want kids, you want money, you want the trappings that you knew your parents had. And so you say, enough of this acting. And you'll either go into law or you become a producer, a director or a writer or whatever it is, or an agent, and you make a lot more money. When I was 27 or 28, I went to Second City and I was hired and I worked every night. So I was an actor every night for four and a half years. So I didn't even have time to say. And I was making a living. Not a good living, but I was making a living. And then all of a sudden, I'm 33 years old and, Jesus, what am I going to do with my life? And I kept being an actor.

[B]

I think my qualification was if I can make money for rent and everything from just comedy. Like, if I didn't need another job, then I was a comedian.

[A]

I used to say I didn't want to have kids until I could afford to send them to camp.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So that's. We have our. You know, our bar. And I did. I made rent. I could make rent all the time.

[B]

Did you go to camp growing up?

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

Me, too.

[A]

Yeah. What camp? Where?

[B]

In upstate New York, obviously. A Jewish. Jewish.

[A]

Well, I went to Camp Sunapee in New London, New Hampshire.

[B]

Did you. Did you. Were there girls at yours?

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

No. Were there girls at yours? Oh, yeah. Did you get laid? First kiss at camp?

[B]

Third base. Third base. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. I then went to tennis camp and didn't get laid, but, you know, went this far.

[B]

Yeah, I was pretty close.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, I got pretty close. I wasn't doing.

[A]

And she was a good tennis player.

[B]

She was, too.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Really. I don't she was funny, though. She was pretty smart.

[A]

Why?

[B]

I don't know. She probably.

[A]

You know what? You're right. Because I don't get pretty girls. I get smart girls.

[B]

I. You get. You've dated some of the most beautiful women.

[A]

I was very lucky. My wife, who is no longer my wife, but is beautiful. Yeah, I've been very lucky. I. It's why I don't date, why I don't have as many girlfriends as I would have liked in my life, because. Because my bar is high, especially with what's on my resume.

[B]

My problem was I would watch Seinfeld growing up, and I would see George. I would see George with these elevens, and I'd be like, it's a lie. It's on tv, obviously. And then I moved to New York, and this is the land of.

[A]

This is the place where beautiful, smart. You know what they do, though?

[B]

But us guys, somehow we do because they've seen enough. Because they've watched Annie Hall. They think it's acceptable to be with a freaking. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Costanza and Mr. Allen.

[A]

You're right. I mean, very true.

[B]

It's kind of true.

[A]

Yeah, it's kind of true.

[B]

I'm never leaving. I can't.

[A]

Do you like la?

[B]

What do you think? What kind of action could I get going over there in Texas? Do you think I could meet a woman in Texas? No, I was born in la, in fact.

[A]

Were you?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If I were a betting man, I would have said. You were. Not.

[B]

I was. Well, I look like I'm Juju.

[A]

Juju. Brooklyn.

[B]

My parents are from South Africa. Cape Town.

[A]

No kidding?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm going to South Africa. I'm taking my kids on a safari.

[B]

Oh, you are? Where are you going?

[A]

Botswana.

[B]

Botswana? Oh, my God. You're going on the good one. I know you're going on the good one. Oh, my God, it's awesome. I. I. Can I come? Sure. Okay. We can go see my grandma.

[A]

Oh, yeah. We need somebody to throw out a hit, a little loring. Oh, your grandmother still lives in. In South Africa?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. She's never leaving. Yeah.

[A]

Why? Understand.

[B]

All the grandmas. All the grandmas stayed. All my parents. Generation of Jews left during. During apartheid. And then the grandmas are like, I'm not going anywhere.

[A]

Of course not.

[B]

Well, that's not how they talk. But yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Does she have an accent?

[B]

Of course. Yeah.

[A]

But not a Jewish accent.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You know what I realized?

[A]

Can you do an impression of her?

[B]

Adam, you've got a lot of Problems.

[A]

Okay, no, that's not what any Jewish grandmother sounds like.

[B]

I haven't seen you in four years. Here are the things that are wrong with you. So we're competitors in this space.

[A]

In what?

[B]

I know you work for the. You work for the other guys. You work for the. For the Red Sox.

[A]

What?

[B]

You're the announcer for Mulaney's talk show.

[A]

Yeah, but he doesn't have a podcast.

[B]

This is not a podcast. This is a. This is 1000.

[A]

Oh, I see. I see. I see. I see what you're saying. Oh, this is a talk show. I thought it was a podcast when I came in here, and you weren't here when you were late. This is a talk show. This is Dick Cavett, who I loved. And I don't blame you. I don't blame you. I know Dick Cavett.

[B]

You know? I know he's alive.

[A]

He's not just alive. He's a nice man.

[B]

How old is he? He's like, 90. Okay.

[A]

Yeah, he's old. Why would you point fingers at age? He's an old man.

[B]

It's great to live longer. I don't want to die ever.

[A]

I don't either. And yet the other night, I'm coming up in my apartment, and it's 2:30 in the morning, and I open the.

[B]

What is your address?

[A]

And I open the door to the elevator, and there's a man standing there who lives on my floor. Very old man. Very old and wizened and everything. And I go, john, what's the matter? He goes, I'm waiting for my wife. I mean, he's this. He's a little man. And I go, john, do you want to go back to bed? And he goes, yes. And I put him. I take my arm around him and I walk him in, and I walk him to his apartment. And I go. I'm going. I walk him down. I mean, it takes 10 minutes because he's shuffling. And I walk him down, and I don't want to scare his wife, who has no idea that he's roaming the halls waiting for her. I go, louisa, Louisa. We get to the bed. Louisa. I'm doing it softly. And then she just wakes up, and a woman. And she goes, oh, and just hopped out of bed. I took his bathrobe off, helped him into bed. He's got a urine stain the size of my fist. The saddest thing. So I want to live forever. I want to see my kids grow up. I want to see every good movie that's coming out. I want to see what's going to happen to this country? I love living. I am truly the guy who says I will sleep when I'm dead. I came home at 2:30. My wife left me because I have so much energy. I can't stop. I don't want to be John.

[B]

I really thought that story was going to have a punchline.

[A]

Hey, I'm not all about funny.

[B]

I know.

[A]

You can have Anthony Weiner on here. And you wasn't that funny.

[B]

I wasn't that funny.

[A]

You might have been.

[B]

It was like two.

[A]

I could be talk. I could talk. I'm not funny. Funny funny all the time. You want funny funny.

[B]

No, no, no, no.

[A]

You want funny. Funny funny today.

[B]

No, no, listen. No, no, you're not.

[A]

I had to look at the coffee cup dance. I had to remember his name.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I can be funny if you want.

[B]

No, you don't have to be funny,

[A]

but I can be false.

[B]

I mean, that story was beautiful.

[A]

It's beautiful.

[B]

Really sad. Actually.

[A]

It was in response to I want to live forever.

[B]

Yeah. Because I saw some good stuff.

[A]

Are we going to use any punctuation in our talking? Like a period and now you talk and then you talk. A period and then I talk. No, no, we're just going to talk over each other and then you're going to say something that I think is important. And. And I'm going to say, what did you say? So that I could respond. Are we getting along?

[B]

You're my best friend.

[A]

Okay, good.

[B]

Do you get any points on cosmigos?

[A]

Let's talk about something else.

[B]

Okay. So you famously said George Clooney once said that the Uyghur concentration camps should be bigger. Why did you say that?

[A]

You're my favorite friend ever.

[B]

Why would you say that?

[A]

You're my favorite friend.

[B]

Why would George ever. Why would you say that? One of my favorite roles of yours. And it's a film that me up for like three months. I went into a depression and you almost steal the entire movie. Maybe do steal the entire movie. Is a serious man.

[A]

Oh, serious man's great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, it's a great movie. Great. Your every once in a while brutal. Well, that's so nice of you.

[B]

You say you don't watch any of your stuff.

[A]

That one I saw.

[B]

You have to watch that.

[A]

That one I saw.

[B]

Yeah, I was gonna.

[A]

I was gonna say I adore that movie. The Coen Brothers, I hear. Love that movie. I get lucky. I get. I just. Okay, Adam, you and I are both actors and look what we look like. I'm not the most telegenic guy in the world.

[B]

I look all right.

[A]

And the stuff that I get to do, it just. It confounds me how I call myself the Smuckers of acting. With a face like this, I better be good. But I wasn't good for a long time. I pulled one over, and then I got good. And the Coen brothers. The writing is great. Joel as a director, and even Ethan, who says he's not a director, but they both direct it. They both talk to you about it. I knew who this guy was.

[B]

How do they do it together? They write it together, and then they write it together.

[A]

And I've often.

[B]

I said, is it like Bernie Taupin and Elton John? One does the lyrics.

[A]

You just can't. No, no, no, no. They write it together and they edit together. And I think because. I think because Joel. This is just my. I've never said this. I think just because Joel is a bit larger of a personality, but not that much bigger. He does the directing for the actors. But you talk to Ethan, too, and Ethan was a philosophy major.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that makes sense to me. And when they work, they know what they want. I just remember the only. Not disagreement, but I remember the prop guy coming up and saying, do you want. You remember I had this sebaceous cyst. And so I had a washcloth in the back. You never saw the cyst, but you saw the washcloth. And he says, do you want a white washcloth or do you want floral? And one said floral and one said white. And then I don't even know what we came up with. It was neither here nor there.

[B]

And they did that escalate.

[A]

It did.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They're like, mom. Mom liked me better.

[A]

We had to call in some security. It was awful. They came to almost fist. They actually did Greco Roman wrestling.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. They did not. They did not box. They got down on the floor and they. You know, with the whole thing, and they go. And. And then they wrestled and they were. And that. That's how they. They. They saw.

[B]

And you were like, standing there. You're like, guys, guys, guys, come on.

[A]

It's just a movie.

[B]

Tap me in.

[A]

Come on. I don't know who the hell knows how it.

[B]

I mean, that. That. That performance is just.

[A]

That's really nice.

[B]

There's. There's something about that movie that just lingers with you when it's over. I think.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I called my dad. I said, I saw this movie, Serious Man. And my dad said. He's like, I've been depressed since I saw it. I said, I'm depressed too.

[A]

I think it's. I know this sounds crazy. I think it's a great date movie. And I'll tell you why is the person you're seeing with that you're dating, are they a thinker? How do they think. What do they think about death? Is it funny to them or was it sad? There's so many things. What is the afterlife? What. All of that stuff. So I think it's a pretty good. And it can generate discussion, you know, if you run out of discussion, you can talk about something. It's not just Marvel movie.

[B]

Yeah, I. My move back in the day. I have a fiance now, but I used to take the chick to Claude Lansman's show.

[A]

We're having fun, guys and say, who's the bad guy?

[B]

So I'm a little bit on the fence about this.

[A]

Did they deserve it? What?

[B]

I'm a wait and see. I'm on the fence. I want to see who wins at the end. Who are you going with? I want to. Okay, you were trained at the Second City. I mean, this is an opportunity for me as a younger gentleman. This is free education for me. Sitting with you and interrupting you.

[A]

That's the stupidest thing you could possibly say. What do you mean, an education?

[B]

Okay, you want me to pay? I'm just a guy.

[A]

No, I'm just a guy.

[B]

Okay. So would you be keen on, like, doing a little like a scene with me?

[A]

An improvised scene or a written scene?

[B]

I. We could do either. You could choose.

[A]

Let me tell you something about my improvisation. I'm not as good as everybody thinks. I was never as good as anybody thinks. I'm a good reactor. I can listen and react, but I don't react. Always funny. That's what I did with John with your competition.

[B]

I would. I would call him a friend and a colleague.

[A]

But yeah, no, he's your competition. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And he's a darn sight better.

[B]

What? You know Mandel?

[A]

Yeah, I love him. I love everybody there. There are so many. Some of the stand ups who were on the writing staff. Yeah, these minds, they're. They're so great. Yeah, I. I just loved being on that show and I hated it. Okay, let's talk about that. This is interesting. Is the camera on me? Right?

[B]

Go to three.

[A]

I was told I was really good on the show. I don't understand it. I didn't know what I was doing. I felt so ungrounded and insecure and all I did was enjoy myself and try. The best thing I did on that show was, was keep my mouth shut. Because I so often, like, you can see how often I talk and I want to ask you questions. And on the panel, I wanted to talk and find out and stuff like that. And I didn't, I said, this is John show. He's funnier than I am. He's more intelligent than I am. And so I kept my mouth shut and I let John do some of the questions. And when I saw just an inkling of him searching for what next to talk about or trying to, I would come in and I'd have like six questions that I'd want to ask these people even before we started. And so I would listen to the conversation and then I would ask a question. I usually asked one question per segment of a person.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's what I did. And then as far as being funny on the show, they gave me written word. And these writers were great. Yeah, they were just as great.

[B]

Give it up for the writer staff at John Mulaney Show.

[A]

It is. But it's true. They were great. I, I, I hope that they hire me when they start doing other stuff.

[B]

Well, if you, if you need a gig.

[A]

I do.

[B]

If you need a gig.

[A]

You always need a gig.

[B]

I'm in New York anyway.

[A]

So you live here, by the way. I was at the second game of the Yankees. No, the first game of the Yankees. Heartbreaker. Heartbreaker. I know. Yeah.

[B]

But now I'm a Dodger fan, actually.

[A]

Is that true?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Why are you wearing that?

[B]

Because with the rise of anti Semitism, like I'm trying to. I'm doing more of a Dominican. I'm doing more of a Puerto Rican Dominican thing. I'm kind of hiding in plain sight. I don't want people to know you are an actor. You're, you're, you're a keen, you have a keen eye for the world around you, right?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. You've been studying me since you came in here. Yeah, I've been studying you.

[A]

Okay. What have you found out? What have you found out?

[B]

We'll see where things go. But why?

[A]

Wait? What's your assessment?

[B]

You. Yeah, you're the best.

[A]

No, what is your. Seriously, what's your assessment? What do you think about me? You think I'm a keen observer?

[B]

Exactly what I expected you to be.

[A]

Okay. And I am so not a keen observer. I can't tell whether somebody's gay or not. I can't tell whether they're wearing a wig or a. Toupee

[B]

by the way, I'm not gay.

[A]

So you say my whole life. So you say.

[B]

I've been called that my whole life.

[A]

Sir, this is the truth.

[B]

Okay? Yeah.

[A]

Okay. And that's what acting about is.

[B]

The truth.

[A]

No, it's not.

[B]

Yes, it is.

[A]

No, it's not.

[B]

It's the.

[A]

Adam.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I'm going to tell you what the most important thing in any scene is. No, this is not me being funny. This is the truth. I'm gonna ask you right now, what is the most important thing in any scene? Any scene.

[B]

Doing your goddamn job.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

The objective.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

The camera.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

Best boy.

[A]

The other person.

[B]

Yes. Yes.

[A]

That's what's most important.

[B]

I was gonna say that. I was gonna say that.

[A]

What can you get? What do you want? And how can the other person give it to you? Because if you're alone, you don't need anybody else. You need something and the other person's in the scene. In an interview. No. There's no drama.

[B]

You're chameleon.

[A]

When you played Winston Churchill. You're so wrong. I'm not a chameleon.

[B]

You played Malcolm X. You played Winston Churchill.

[A]

Okay, enough about that.

[B]

The magic trick. That is Richard K. Okay, guys, football's back. There's no better time to place your picks with Underdog. Just pick higher or lower on two or more player stats for a shot to win real money. Available in 30 plus states including Missouri, Georgia and Texas. On Monday and Thursday nights, hit the app during halftime to unlock exclusive second half promos. It's your chance to adjust the game plan. It boosts your payout. You're like fucking Belichick. And here are my picks for Thursday Night Football. This Thursday night we got the Pittsburgh Stillers versus the Cincinnati Bingles, who day sign up with the promo code TAAFs to play, $5 to get a hundred dollars in bonus funds or entries. So download the app today and turn every touchdown into a dub with Underdog. Hey, guys, I want to talk to you about Lucy. 100% pure nicotine and tobacco free as always. Lucy breakers are nicotine pouches with a little extra surprise. Each pouch holds a capsule that can be broken and it releases a nice like extra flavor. It's kind of like gushers. You set yourself up with a subscription, you have Lucy delivered directly to your door. Guys, I use it all the time. I use the strongest one. I use the mintiest one. I throw it in before I kiss a girl. The girl gets a buzz going and she loves it. Let's level up your nicotine routine with Lucy. Go to Lucy Co TAFS and use promo code TAFS to get 20% off your first order. Lucy has a 30 day refund policy. If you change your mind again, that's Lucy Co and use code TAFs to get 20% off. And here comes the five branded Lucy products are relief for adults of legal agent. Every order is age verified. Warning. Lucblubbluh. I can't do it. I can't do the fast thing. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age. And every order is age verified. Warning. This product contains nicotine and nicotine is an addictive chemical. Back to the show. So what should we do? The script.

[A]

Okay, do the script. You have a whole staff here and nobody's saying anything. But I do need my glasses if I'm gonna read. There you go.

[B]

All right. Do you want to do a.

[A]

The person from Hulu is here. How am I doing? Is this okay? You're doing good. Am I representing at some point?

[B]

Only murders would be great.

[A]

Oh, just shut up with the economics and the corporation and trying to sell. How about just.

[B]

How about just be alive? Just living. So we're working on this project called the Audacity of Hope.

[A]

That's a nice title. I like that.

[B]

It's the Barack Obama biopic. So this is a scene from his youth. So would you like to play the role of Apua Rothstein? He's kind of the bad guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'll play the role of Obama.

[A]

Okay. I am really reading this.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

The cold. So I may ask for another take. How about now? We have a lot of pages. We got five pages.

[B]

Listen, dude, you can go as long as you want. There's a lot of sajor essence.

[A]

I will not be doing an accent.

[B]

I'm not doing an accident either. I'm doing Obama.

[A]

Are you ready?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't think you'd show. Obama.

[B]

Here I am. Apuo. You're going down.

[A]

I wouldn't be too sure. Say, didn't your surfboard mysteriously disappear the other day?

[B]

Malik Obama walks up. Barack Obama puts his arm around him. Not so fast, Rothstein. He's got a board. Malik Obama hands Barack an all black surfboard.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Looks great. How'd you get that old hunk of junk?

[B]

Obama. Malik, where did you get this? You didn't build that. Malik, this is a ceremonial surfboard passed down from our great, great grandfather, the brave chief of our family's village. It's entirely made out of African wood. It's from his Kenyan side. It's a magic surfboard. Hey, man. Obama. Hey, man. Thanks. Okay, now it's. Let me be clear. If I win today, the youth center stays open. But if you win, you and your greedy family can tear it down and build a synagogue.

[A]

How about we up the stakes, huh? If I win, I get the youth center and your little girlfriend, Michelle.

[B]

Come on, Rothstein, she's a human being. Can you play Michelle also?

[A]

I can speak for myself, Barack. I'll do it. Then we have ourselves a deal. Let's see. On the water. Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, call. Leave.

[B]

So now we're on the.

[A]

It's a horrible scene.

[B]

Wait, so this is. No, this is a. I don't know if you've read Obama's biography.

[A]

I haven't.

[B]

He was in a surf competition, a big wave surf competition to save the youth center as a kid.

[A]

No kidding?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. So now. So now we're. We're on the water. Okay. There's a 150 foot wave coming, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you will be playing the role of George. Okay.

[A]

All right. Now hold on. Is it a two person scene? And whenever you do your line, do not mention who you are. Just be who you are. Oh, this is great. Okay. Okay, you ready?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, Obama.

[B]

Oh, great. It's the angel of death. Am I dead?

[A]

No, son. I'm George Washington. The first president of these great United States of America.

[B]

That's pretty good. Hulu's here. What do you think of this? Okay, so, George Washington, what are you doing here?

[A]

I saw you from heaven. Looks like you'd use a little advice.

[B]

I suppose I could. George Washington, if I surf this wave, it would be the largest in recorded human history. And if I wipe out, I will surely pass away. And Apua Racine is going to fuck my girlfriend and turn the community center into some kind of Jewish church.

[A]

All right, listen. You know that picture of me crossing the Delaware River?

[B]

Yeah, why?

[A]

You ever notice what I'm doing with my feet?

[B]

No. I've been too busy smoking crack cocaine with gay prostitutes and the Chum Gang. It's in the book. It's in the book, son.

[A]

I was the President of the United States. You think I don't know what it's like to smoke crack with gay prostitutes? Now grow up. We did all that shit except for Millard Fillmore. Fucking pussy. Anyway, in the picture, I'm sitting on the front of the boat with my 10 toes hanging off it. I will call it hanging 10.

[B]

Hanging.

[A]

That's right, hanging 10. Don't you give it a try.

[B]

I Can't do it, George. I just can't.

[A]

Listen, Obama, sometimes. Sometimes you gotta have hope. The audacity of hope.

[B]

Pretty good. Okay, so Obama serves the big waves.

[A]

We really are going.

[B]

Okay, so.

[A]

Yeah, but I have all the lines. Okay, why don't I play Obama and you.

[B]

No, no, the last scene you're gonna be playing. Cause George comes back. The ghost of George. So. So imagine this is kind of like an homage to Star Wars. So they're all getting the medals and stuff like that, but then the ghosts are in the back. Right? Okay, so you. So I couldn't have done this without our great grandfather's magical African surfboard. Then Malik says, what? I just bought that piece of shit at Home Depot. Obama, the real magic was inside of you this whole time. Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I walk away, I see the ghost of George Washington. Hello, George.

[A]

Hey, Obama. Listen, I just have one more thing to say. I lied earlier.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah. I wasn't watching you from heaven. I was watching you from hell. And watching you do that surfing made me realize something. I'd like to apologize for slavery. I didn't want to do it. It was wrong. But I got bullied into it. All of my friends, you know. So I hope you can forgive me.

[B]

That means a lot, George. And I do forgive you.

[A]

Goodbye, Obama.

[B]

As Obama says this, George Washington's soul is finally allowed to enter the kingdom of heaven. Bye, George.

[A]

Bye, Obama.

[B]

And that's.

[A]

This is fantastic.

[B]

And we got a lot more where

[A]

that comes from that's going to be edited out easy.

[B]

There's a hell of a lot more where that comes from.

[A]

Are you continuing or is that just one scene? Will you write the whole screenplay?

[B]

I'm thinking maybe you hit up Hulu's here, maybe we hit up the guys.

[A]

You make decisions.

[B]

We hit up the guys at Casamigos and then we hit up maybe. What are you thinking? Spielberg? I mean, he did link him. I have a question. Like, I've asked other character actors this before. There's like, have you seen Paris, Texas?

[A]

Ages and ages ago.

[B]

So Harry Dean Stan was this like, legendary character actor and it was. It was his one starring vehicle. And it was like legendary. Like, would you. Do you. Do you aspire for your own Paris, Texas one day? Is that. Is that something that you have in your mind or are you like, I'm a team player. I'm like, I like being on the squad.

[A]

It's a really good question.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Whenever I do a play, I always do the leading role because the economic consequences are not as great in a play. If you do a movie or a TV show, you know, people have to run to see you because you're, you know, and I can't generate that. But in a play, like, you know, I do plays at Bay Street Theater out in Sag harbor. Maybe they'll come see the guy who's on television, Richard Kyne. And they know me out there, and they like me, and there's, you know, so I'll always do a leading role. Do I ever wish for that? I've had it a few times, actually. But they're not in big movies because big movies, they can't afford to have me. Big movies cost a lot of money. Here's what I'll tell you about George Clooney. When George Clooney says yes to a movie, an industry opens. You got hotels and dry cleaners and restaurants and a lot of people working. You have big sets, a lot of people are working. Plus, when it comes out, stocks for the company that made the movie will rise and fall. So a lot of people are impacted financially. When I do the lead in a movie, it's $500,000. Movie, it's $800,000 if you're lucky. And I get to do. And I don't get paid much, and I get to be the star. And nobody sees it. Nobody.

[B]

Well, we can. We can get the.

[A]

Nobody. Nobody sees it. I did a movie, which really.

[B]

What if you did a switcheroo like George Books, ocean.

[A]

Oh, shut the fuck up, Adam. Adam, shut the fuck up. I'm giving you honest stuff here. This is gold I'm giving you. And, in fact, I'm going out to Montauk to do a movie. You are from October 21st till November 25th, and I am the lead in a movie.

[B]

What's the picture? What is it?

[A]

I don't. It's called Blueberry Cafe, and you'll never see it.

[B]

I will.

[A]

I'm hawking it already. I don't know if it's going to be any good. I don't know where you'll get to see it. Who knows if it'll get distributed.

[B]

Hopefully on Hulu.

[A]

Hulu. Come on, Blueberry Cafe.

[B]

Come on, Blueberry Cafe.

[A]

I'm selling this thing and it hasn't even been made.

[B]

I don't. What is wrong with you people?

[A]

I don't understand Hulu anymore.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

Ever since Disney, I'm not gonna get into.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I agree.

[A]

I'm not gonna get.

[B]

Ever since.

[A]

I love the good folks at Disney. They've always given me work.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What if it said like on the, like, you know, billboard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hollywood Boulevard, big billboard. Blueberry Cafe. Cafe Richard Kahn, full frontal nudity for the very first time.

[A]

That'll keep him away.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Dear God, don't make me. And then how much are they paying me to go see this?

[B]

And then there's a pull quote that says, and you won't be disappointed. Okay.

[A]

Are you enjoying this?

[B]

I'm having such a good time.

[A]

I'm glad.

[B]

I'm having such a good time.

[A]

I'm glad.

[B]

So you mentioned Pixar.

[A]

You've been a. I did not mention Pixar.

[B]

I said Disney.

[A]

You're right, I did mention Disney.

[B]

Thank God I got out of that.

[A]

Go ahead, go ahead. For a while when I was working with them, they weren't Disney. Yeah. They were just Pixar.

[B]

Yeah. And then when Disney got involved, they were great. They were great.

[A]

They continued to be great because their leadership is great. Yeah, they're great. The man named Pete Docter, who's a good friend of mine.

[B]

That's not his name.

[A]

Pete doctor, except it's D O C T E R. Oh, okay. They're now friends of mine. His wonderful wife Amanda, who I. I love Pete. And then all of a sudden, Amanda came. I love Amanda.

[B]

What'd she look like?

[A]

She's from Minnesota. Midwestern. Beautiful woman. Nice, very beautiful woman. And their daughter Ellie, who is. Who Riley is based on in the inside out, is a very dear friend of mine and she runs or helps to run a place that you should go to. Have you been to the National Comedy Institute?

[B]

I practically built that, Adam. Yeah. No, I never have.

[A]

Where is it always gotta be? Where is it always a little snarky?

[B]

I'm insecure. I have a lot of problems.

[A]

I'm going to help you. There is a place up in Jamestown, New York. It's the National Comedy Institute. You think that this, that I'm lying? It is like the baseball hall of fame. It's like the rock and roll hall of fame. This is sort of the comedy hall of fame. There's a lot of people, you know, who have put money into it and stuff. They now have an exhibit, a Carl Reiner exhibit that I spent two days watching old clips and readings. The best.

[B]

The best.

[A]

They have all of Joan Rivers jokes.

[B]

The best.

[A]

They have a George Carlin's daughter. The best was instrumental and a prior's daughter instrumental in giving stuff. The place has so many things. You know what they have there? Alan Brady's Desk. Do you know who Alan Brady is?

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

Of course. I mean, they have all this stuff. It's a great place. For those of you who like this particular show, make a trek up to the Comedy Museum. You'll go in for a day. You'll want to stay three or four. It's just fantastic.

[B]

Do they have a Field of Dreams? Do they have a club? You know what I mean?

[A]

Can I be honest?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They have a room. Based on Caroline's comedy club.

[B]

Oh, Rip.

[A]

What?

[B]

It's gone.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I thought you were talking about Caroline. Caroline's a friend. You want to know how I know Caroline?

[B]

Caroline's. All right.

[A]

You want to know how I want it? You want to know how Caroline's. This is a very interesting story. Does it have an ending? Is it a joke? No.

[B]

Okay. You could tell any kind of story.

[A]

Okay. In my early, early days, I was a singing waiter out in the Hamptons. Okay? So that's how I made my rent money. So I'm out in the Hamptons and in West Hampton. West Hampton and the provinces. So in West Hampton, and there was a club called Torras. And Caroline Hirsch used to come with Neil Hirsch, who was in Time magazine, as in that day, this is 40 years ago, one of the youngest millionaires. He was the top 100 millionaires in America under 30. Neil Hirsch. Caroline Hirsch was married to him. They used to come in. They used to order Dom Perignon. Whenever anybody ordered Dom Perignon, you were going to get a decent tip. He used to tip $100. He was beloved.

[B]

That was good.

[A]

Okay, $100. 40 years ago, as a tip.

[B]

He could have done better than that.

[A]

Okay, so we were a singing waiter. Okay, I was a singing waiter. And Caroline loved us, and she loved the singing waiter.

[B]

What was your big song?

[A]

There is nothing like a dame.

[B]

Let's hear a couple. Little bar.

[A]

We got sunlight on the sand. We got moonlight on the sea. We got mangoes and bananas you can pick right off a tree. We got volleyball and baseball and a lot of fancy games. What ain't we got? We ain't got dames. There's a lot of things in life and beautiful. But, brother, there is one. Okay, okay. Anyway. And I used to do that. And I used to do. Oh, I'm the King of the Swingers. Oh, the Jungle vip. I reached the top and I had to stop. And that's what's bothering me. There are people who know where that's from.

[B]

I know where that's from.

[A]

You know where it's from where?

[B]

It's from Pink Floyd. The Wall.

[A]

No, it's. It's Disney. Oh, I'm the king of the swingers. Oh, Jungle Vip. Yes. I reached the top and had to stop. And that's what's bothering me. So I did that. So we did these songs. You are so bored. You're looking at your notes. What are we going to talk about next? Let me finish the story. It's an interesting story. So. So they used to come in. Caroline loved the singing waiters. So what did she do on 28th Street? She opened. Or 26th Street. She opened a restaurant. Caroline's had singing waiters. Okay. And we would perform. People would perform. I didn't work there, but I would come by and we would sing Tuesday through Sunday. So what does she do on Mondays? So she says, you know what? On Mondays I'll have stand up comedians come. So on Mondays was stand up comedy night. Well, Mondays became very popular. So Mondays became Tuesday became Wednesday, Thursday, and seven days a week, singing waiters gone. She had a comedy club, and that's how Caroline's got started.

[B]

Have you ever done stand up?

[A]

Never.

[B]

Never?

[A]

No.

[B]

You be good.

[A]

No.

[B]

Can I write for you?

[A]

If somebody wrote for me and I could really do good in a heartbeat, I'd be really good. But I'm not that witty. Would I be able to handle hecklers or stuff like that?

[B]

No one's gonna heckle you. You're a beloved.

[A]

You always get heckled. But I'm not that good to write for myself. But yes, I'm pretty good.

[B]

How good that Barack Obama script was. We could do this. We could write you a tight five in two. Yeah. Would it even take five minutes?

[A]

I may need help on something because I host a lot of charity events, so I may need help. But I did write two jokes that are pretty funny.

[B]

Let's hear it.

[A]

Okay. You're gonna like this.

[B]

Of course. Wait, can I intro you?

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

I'm gonna say you gotta walk on stage.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna tell the ladies and gentlemen

[B]

coming up next to the stage, you're really gonna like this. This guy is. He's new to comedy, but I think he's going straight to the top. Richard. Duh. Entertainer, everybody. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Thank you. So my wife. My wife was raised Episcopalian, and then she married me and converted to antisemitism.

[B]

Oh, that's good.

[A]

That's a pretty good joke.

[B]

That's good.

[A]

I gotta tell you, I feel very bad right now. I'm not very sad. I'LL start from the beginning. My grandmother once told my family that she would rather die than go into an old age home.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And today we shot her. It's okay. Joke. Yeah, it's an okay. Okay. So you see, maybe I.

[B]

You shot your grandmother.

[A]

That's what I did.

[B]

I thought that was.

[A]

Maybe you didn't like that joke.

[B]

Reminded me of the old.

[A]

But it worked at Second City when I used to have to introduce scenes. I used to do that.

[B]

No, I just was reminded of that old guy in the elevator with the piss and I don't want to get old.

[A]

The Adam Freeland show, everybody, I.

[B]

You famously said, you'll do anything, right?

[A]

Anything.

[B]

Anything.

[A]

I lacked as I. Yeah, I love

[B]

that too, because, like, there's.

[A]

I pretty much do anything.

[B]

There's. There's such a. There's such like a. A bullshit thing. Like when you're working actor, you're. You're on planes all the time. You're. You're going to set for a week. You know, there are things that are longer for a day, for a day, for a day. You're all over the show.

[A]

All over.

[B]

But there is like this, like, I think, bullshit that. That cuts through right, where you're like, I'll fucking do anything.

[A]

I don't give a. I will tell you that the. The stuff that I won't do, since I did Serious, Man, I get offered every Jewish role. Every Jewish role.

[B]

Isn't that just so offensive?

[A]

It's not that offensive. I don't blame them. But I won't do.

[B]

Why would they even cast.

[A]

But I won't. If the role wears its Judaism on its sleeve, like playing a rabbi or speaking Yiddish, stuff like that, I say no. If it has hints of it, like, let's say a brash producer, would you go, oh, my God, what a Jew? Or something like that. That doesn't matter. But if it wears its Judaism on its sleeve, I will turn it down.

[B]

Come on, dude,

[A]

continue. Continue. Come on, dude.

[B]

Okay, so we're not gonna do that next pitch that I have for you. I was gonna.

[A]

He's a Jewish surfboarder. No, it's a rabbi in tallit.

[B]

It's not very inspirational. It's about the first Jew who died in the Holocaust.

[A]

Oh, that's funny.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I mean, like, it's like, come on. It's one Jew.

[B]

No, he's like, in like, one Jew. He's like, in line for the trade. He's like, how long is this gonna take? And then the other Jews are like, can you Just take him first. Where's his lie?

[A]

The first Jew to die in the Holocaust.

[B]

The first shoe. It's not a very long movie. Kind of the Holocaust story.

[A]

That's hilarious. I mean, so. So what's the big deal? Are they really. It's. I mean, how dangerous could they be?

[B]

Show some gumption. Hulu back a project.

[A]

Actually, the first shoot.

[B]

I think it's a good idea. We can stretch that out 90 minutes. 95 minutes.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

They call him the world's most Jewish man. Okay, actually, here's a. Have you ever read that article about the two. Oh, God. I talk about Jews too much.

[A]

You do.

[B]

I talk all too much. You know, my therapist. I realized I was gonna.

[A]

A Jew. No.

[B]

He said I could never stick with a therapist. He said, you bring up being Jewish all the time.

[A]

And I'm like, you do?

[B]

I do.

[A]

You do.

[B]

Like, yeah. And it's always in the negative. Yeah, But I was like. But a Jewish therapist would have been like, of course it's terrible.

[A]

No, you bring it up. You bring it up because it's funny. Because you can mine a lot of jokes from being Jewish.

[B]

I do. This is gonna be Jew, but whatever. What are you gonna do? You're sitting and watching the Protocols of the Elders of Zion show right now. Look at the two of us. You're watching the. This is the. This is the meeting. We're gonna call this episode the meeting. There were two Jews left in Afghanistan that refused to leave during the Taliban. Right? This is a true story. And they didn't want to fucking go. They were just too stubborn. And they hated each other. They despised each other. There were two left, and they fucking hated each other. And then the Taliban arrested them, and they were in jail and the. Together. And they hated each other so much and they were so annoying that the Taliban literally let them go.

[A]

Oh, God. That's.

[B]

The Taliban literally released them from. From the prison. And I'm like, that's.

[A]

That's just a. I think that's a movie.

[B]

That's a movie.

[A]

It's a movie. I can tell you that.

[B]

Not. Not because you're here. Just not because you're here.

[A]

That would be an interesting story.

[B]

It would be.

[A]

Because it's an interesting story about hate.

[B]

It would be an interesting, interesting story.

[A]

And the hook being the Taliban. But this has nothing to do with what we're talking about. But Raymond Chandler and Billy Wilder had the right Double Indemnity, the screenplay. And they put them in a cabin together.

[B]

They hated each other.

[A]

Hated each other. Really hated each other. No. Was it Raymond? Because I get them confused.

[B]

I think it might be.

[A]

Was it Chandler or was it the other one? Yeah. Who wrote.

[B]

Well, it's a. It's a. It's an adaptation of a Chandler book, right?

[A]

Yeah, but who the. Who wrote the Maltese Falcon? Who wrote one? One is. One is a sort of a higher class guy. Hammett. Dashiell. Hammett.

[B]

Dashiell Hammett.

[A]

But I don't think it was Hammett. It was Raymond Chandler. It was Chandler. It was. Chandler and Wilder were together and they hated each other. Hated each other. But look what comes out of hate.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Double Indemnity.

[B]

This episode, in fact, the greatest episode of the Adam Fury.

[A]

In fact, there's three hates going on. There's two people self hated.

[B]

We hate ourselves. Yes.

[A]

And then there's.

[B]

Where were you, like around nine months before April 1987? Did you.

[A]

Oh, was that your birthday? Did I fuck your mom? I mean, maybe I fucked your mom.

[B]

This could be like my dog as a through line. This is gonna be a beautiful through line and perfect ending for the episode. And I think this might be the only time I've ended an episode properly.

[A]

What's your mom's name?

[B]

Joanne. It was my late mother. I'm not.

[A]

And your grandmother's living.

[B]

What?

[A]

Your grandmother's living.

[B]

Isn't that a.

[A]

Could I fuck your grandma?

[B]

Isn't that a disgrace?

[A]

I'll be in Botswana. I could fuck your grandmother. Please let me fuck your grandmother.

[B]

Please be like my dog.

[A]

And the way she talks.

[B]

She doesn't talk like a Jew.

[A]

She doesn't talk like a Jew. She talks with. I could fuck that.

[B]

She's. She's. She's a. I mean, she just got a hip. So perfect. Apparently she was.

[A]

So. She won't just lie there like a locks. Apparently she'll really move. Cause she's got it titanium.

[B]

She's got titanium hip. If anyone's got.

[A]

Bring it on, sweetheart.

[B]

My grandmother, Esther. Both my grandmas were named Esther, but this one was the one with the moves. Let me tell you.

[A]

I mean, I could speak ill of the dead. I really didn't want to. Joanne, again, I will say you were enough, please. But I'd like to. Esther. This could be either Esther.

[B]

This is like the. Well, the other one.

[A]

In fact, that's the name of my autobiography. Either Esther.

[B]

The other Esther was such a psycho that after she drove her husband to an early grave, she slept with a man's watch on the opposite bedside table to make people think she was getting laid. She was a psychopath.

[A]

Anyway. What time is it?

[B]

Let's. I'll talk to you later.

[A]

I gotta go.

[B]

Richard Kind, everybody. That was awesome. That was just, like, natural. You're the man. You love that. Sat.