← The Amy Porterfield Show
The Amy Porterfield Show
#746: Facing Your Deep Beliefs To Change Your Life (and Business) with Gabby Bernstein
00:47:37
Discover how to heal limiting beliefs, connect with your inner self, and achieve your biggest dreams.
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- [00:01]
A
We manifest what we believe and so the beliefs that we, that we have are actually blocking the big manifestations that we desire. So if you're, if you're a workaholic, you likely have a belief that if I'm not working, I'm not, I'm not achieving.
- [00:15]
B
I'm Amy Porterfield, ex corporate girl turned CEO of a multi seven figure business. But it wasn't all that long ago that I lacked the confidence, the budget and the time to focus on growing my small but mighty business. Fast forward past many, many failed attempts and lessons learned and you'll see the business I have today. One that changes lives and gives me more freedom than I ever thought possible. One that used to only exist as a daydream. I created the Online Marketing Made Easy podcast to give you simple, actionable, step by step strategies to help you do the same. If you're an ambitious entrepreneur or one in the making who, who's looking to create a business that makes an impact and a life you love, you're in the right place, friend. Let's get started. Welcome to another episode of Online Marketing Made Easy. Thank you so much for being here and if you're new, welcome to the community. I am thrilled you found us. And let me tell you, you found us at the perfect time. Because today I have the pleasure of introducing one of my incredibly talented friends whose own self work has changed so many lives. Her name is Gabby Bernstein and if you don't know her yet, you're in for an incredible experience today. But you likely know who Gabby Bernstein is and still I want to give her a proper intro. So Gabby is a best selling author, renowned spiritual teacher, and an international speaker who's been a guiding light for those asking to be their best, most authentic selves. So Gabby's latest book, Self Help is an inspiring new addition to her journey of helping others live their most empowered, fulfilling lives. She's been featured everywhere from the New York Times to Good Morning America and everything in between. And her message of helping people to help themselves has sparked a massive movement in mental and emotional well being. So in this episode, we're going to get a glimpse into Gabby's remarkable journey, her own struggles, her moments of transformation, and how she turned her experiences into a mission that's helping people reconnect with themselves and their highest potential. You'll also learn about her unique approach to self help that blends spirituality with actionable strategies. So I can't wait for you to learn from Gabby and be able to take away new habits that can change Your life today. I know you're going to love this conversation, so let's get to it. Well, hello there, my sweet friend. Welcome back to the show.
- [03:02]
A
I love you. Thank you for having me.
- [03:05]
B
I love you, too. I've been looking forward to this all week. And I'm just. This book is exactly what I was hoping you would do. So we're going to talk about it and we're going to talk about everything that is going to help my audience really dig deeper into living a more fulfilling life, being happier, knowing who they are. So we're going to get into all of it. Sound good?
- [03:28]
A
It sounds so good. And I know, you know, we can even sort of go to what your audience's core, core desires are for healing, and we could work specifically with that too, which is kind of.
- [03:38]
B
Okay, so let's all kind of set the stage for that. And then as I ask questions, maybe like, you look through that lens if. If it works for you.
- [03:45]
A
Yeah. And I know your crowd. Very intelligent. You do. So you do.
- [03:47]
B
Actually so many of my followers or audience or in your audience as well. So you know that there's a deep desire to serve, but there's also a deep fear of being seen. Some confidence issues. They. My audience really wants to be confident, but there's a lot of self doubt that comes through. They're working, working, working, and some of them are feeling like, is this really worth it? I'm not seeing what all the, all the effort I'm putting into it. So, you know, some of the struggles and challenges they face.
- [04:18]
A
I do. Yeah.
- [04:19]
B
Yeah. Okay. All right. So first I just want to kind of back up a little bit. And I know you've been on the show and so many of my listeners know who you are, but can you share a little bit about, like, the key moments of your journey to get you to where you are today?
- [04:35]
A
Yeah. I think that the best way to describe myself is I am a seeker, a thriver. I am someone who has been very willing to go to the places that I needed to go, to the places that scare me to come out the other side. And I'm a woman of faith and spiritually grounded person who has let my spiritual faith guide my life even in the moments when I have detoured into the worldly stories. I've been on that journey of living a spiritual. Led a spiritually led life from a very young age. I've had the privilege of. Of being introduced to spiritual principles when I was very young through my. My mother, who was a meditator and a yogi and had a devotional practice that, that she instilled upon me. And as a result of living in a world of lots of experiences, whether they be traumatic events that I experienced as a child or just big T or small T, both of which I've experienced, I built up a lot of perceptions of myself and the world and belief systems and protection mechanisms, as we all do. And for me, my journey has been a journey of undoing those belief systems and fear based patterns and behaviors so that I can return to the natural state of who I'm really here to be, which is creative and confident and courageous and connected and compassionate and clear and just fun and childlike. And that's the journey I've been on, Amy. I've been on a journey of one day at a time peeling back the layers of the onion to return to me, to return to my truth. And as a spiritual teacher, I've done that for the past 19 years through teaching spiritual principles, teaching metaphysical principles, and then in the last five years really deep, deepening my teachings into therapeutic processes and trauma related healing, all combining that with the spiritual. And I've been drawn and guided my, my higher power has guided me throughout my recovery journey to different types of modalities for healing and different therapies as well, all of which have been very spiritually, foundationally spiritual. And in the most recent years I've been guided to get trained in one of those particular therapies that I've used for about a decade in my therapy with my therapist. And I became a trained practitioner in what's called internal Family Systems therapy, which is what I've now devoted my 10th book to, where I created a self help practice that is informed by the principles of this world renowned therapy that radically changed my life. So that brings us to today. But you know, I've done a lot of different things in my life, but the biggest thing I've done is I've been on a journey of really undoing the core beliefs that have kept me from the truth of who I am and kept me from the joy that I'm here to express and the freedom I'm here to have and the joy childlike energy that I'm here to bring forth and the teachings that I can transmute and, and I'm just proud of myself. I don't give a about any of the credentials I have or any of the accomplishments I've experienced. All I care about is the courage and the bravery I've had to go to the places that scare me and Come out the other side.
- [08:08]
B
Ooh, that last part. Yes, yes and yes. Okay, so talk to me about internal family systems. I'm going to guess many people listening have no idea what that is. I had no idea what that was until you told me about it maybe six, seven months ago. It was like foreign to me. So can you talk to us like we have no clue what you're talking about?
- [08:28]
A
Yeah, because most people don't. Okay, well, IFS is otherwise known as. It's internal family systems therapy. It's called ifs. It's a therapy that I've been practicing for a decade with my former therapist and now with my new therapist and my couple's therapist, all the places where I do therapy. And it's a model that's completely non pathologizing. And it's really focused on the thesis that we're not one mono person, but we have lots of parts of who we are and all of the extreme patterns and behaviors that we sometimes might look at as bad. Like maybe we overeat or we have addiction issues, or we have rage or we are people pleasing or controlling or workaholism. And these patterns or anxiety or back pain, all these sort of habitual patterns and feelings and behaviors that we. And beliefs also that we rely on day to day to manage our lives. But these are actually parts of who we are. And they're there in place because they're protection mechanisms. And these, they're known as protector parts. And so why are these protection mechanisms in place? Why have they been around for so long? If you were to look at any of those protection mechanisms in your life and to ask yourself, how long has this been around? You'd be like forever, as long as I could remember. So why are these protection mechanisms in place? They're protecting against very young, impermissible experiences from our childhood. And as children, we all experience trauma with a big T or trauma with a small T. We've experienced adversity as children, period. We all have. And it could have been bullied at the playground or told you were stupid or told you were fat or told you, you know, or a parent left, you know, know, left the home, or you had an attachment breach, or you had alcoholic parent, or maybe in some cases like mine, you've experienced big T trauma, like sexual abuse or any form of. Of abuse of any kind. And so no matter how big or small the T of the trauma, we experienced it. And as children, we did not have the brain capacity to process it. And most likely the majority of us didn't. Have a parent to help us process it. So with our inability to process those big emotional disturbances and those huge feelings of being feeling shame or inadequacy or feeling unlovable or not good enough or terror, we right away as young children built up these forms of protection to protect ourselves from having to face those feelings. And so if we felt like we weren't being seen by our parents, maybe we went into people pleasing mode and trying to please all the time to feel seen right away really young. We did this right. Or in my case where I felt very out of control in my life at a very young age. I was just hyper vigilant and always trying to control everything around me, which is carried all the way up until today in my life, which I continue to work with on a day to day basis. And so those patterns and belief systems and behaviors are protection mechanisms and they're protecting us from feeling those exiled, young, traumatized children inside of us. We exiled those little traumatized moments, we shut it up, we said, go lock you up in the basement. And we moved into these protection mechanisms that have been running our lives. And the thesis of ifs is that we can, we have an inner healer that can help us heal those protection mechanisms and then in ifs go deeper to those exiled parts of us. But that's not what I'm going to do in the book. In the book I've designed a four step process for helping you compassionately and curiously connect to the protection mechanisms to help them feel safe and to help them access this practice of accessing what's called self. And self is your inner healer. Self is a presence and it's an energy that's always inside of you. And self is like the Buddha nature, the God within you or the spiritual connection within you or your connection. Calm. These C qualities. Creative, compassionate, childlike, connected, clear, confident. There's a quote in the book from this IFS practitioner, Stephen Kranz. And self is like the sun behind the clouds. The sun is always there, but the clouds are covering the sun and the clouds are these protectors, these, these patterns and behaviors and beliefs. And as we start to heal those patterns and behaviors and beliefs, they start to dissipate and then the energy of self begins to emerge. And that's when we return to that state of creativity and confidence and clarity and connection. And that's when we can become super attractors. Because now we're in alignment with what we want. We're not blocking it.
- [12:53]
B
Absolutely. So would it be too much to ask, could you walk us through this four step check in. I know you get into much more detail in the book, but I want people to kind of experience it a little bit. Is that something you could do? Okay.
- [13:05]
A
Yeah. And. And now it explains to you why it's called self help, right? Yeah.
- [13:09]
B
Okay. It totally turned on. I was like, oh, wait a second, there's another meaning to that word, self up there.
- [13:15]
A
Okay, there we go. Self with a capital S. In this case, big red cell. It's like this, this like, like flamingo colored self help on the COVID of this book. Self is your inner healer. And through these four steps, you choose to check in with that protection mechanism, the protector part, instead of check out. So for your listener, right, maybe they feel like they want to be seen and they're not feeling seen. So they check out by getting really thirsty and like going on social and just posting, posting, posting and, you know, looking for the likes and looking for the comments that might be a way of check. Or maybe they want to feel confident, but they, every time they hit that wall where they don't feel that confidence, they just shut down and they go to the refrigerator and start binging or they pick up a drink or they do something to numb out that feeling of not getting that confidence. And so these patterns, behaviors, beliefs, I'm not good enough, I'm inadequate, or the pattern of just picking up the drink or going to the fridge or being thirsty or overworking or trying to prove yourself or people pleasing, these are protection mechanisms. And so instead of checking out and overriding those feelings and those behaviors and patterns and just doing more of them, we choose to check in. So let's imagine the next time you're in a situation where you're like, I got to go to my social and just make sure I posted a thousand times, or you're in that workaholic mode, you instead of going into that pattern or belief, you chucked in with it. So that first step is to check. Choose to check inside and focus your attention inward instead of checking out. Step two is becoming curious about that part that is inside. So that's when you start to ask some questions. So what does this part want me to know? Is that what? Are there any feelings or sensations attached to this part? Where is it in my body? Are there any images or thoughts or beliefs that are attached? What does it want me to see? Right, so maybe you'll see a picture of an image of when I check in with my controller part. I see an image of myself at 6 years old with my pigtails and they're not straight. And I'm in the dining room screaming, straighten my pigtails. Straighten my pigtails. And why am I screaming? And I see this image. I see this image because it's a little girl trying desperately to control a world that feels so out of control.
- [15:31]
B
Yes.
- [15:32]
A
So that image is there. So maybe you'll get an image from the past or an image from the present. And what are the beliefs and the thoughts that are connected to it? Getting that clarity? Okay, once you feel a little bit connected to the part, that's the third step, which is to compassionately connect. Then you ask that part of you, what do you need? And the part will usually say, like, I need to rest or I need to play, or I need to be heard, or I need to surrender. And usually it's just speaking up, I need this. And then acknowledge that part by placing your hand on your heart and breathing into that space. And the fourth step is now to check back inside and see how you feel. And nine times out of 10, if you follow the four steps, you're going to feel a little bit more calm and you're going to check for these C qualities. Do I feel more connected to that part? Do I feel any confidence coming forward? Do I feel clarity? I have a little bit more clarity about that part of myself. Do I feel a little courageous or confident? Do I feel that, like I said, creative energy? You're checking for these C qualities of self. And as you notice any one of those C qualities, even a molecule of one of those C qualities, you know that you've actually done the practice. The practice has worked. You've checked in instead of checking out. You've offered the attention to this young part of yourself. You've said, I'm going to be curious. I'm going to offer compassion and connection. And then when you do that, you let self emerge. One molecule of self is enough. Because this is a practice that's meant to be repeated multiple times a day or just once a day for one minute. But I promise you promise, promise, promise, promise, promise with all of my heart, all of my soul, I'll put my book on it. That the steps work. And when you practice them regularly, you start to create a new neural pathway of no longer staying in that loop of checking out, but creating a new loop of checking in. And as you check in, self emerges and self can help.
- [17:46]
B
So the protector side, is that, like, okay, if I'm a people pleaser, that's my protector side. That's an example of protector side. Okay. And so you're saying when we identify when our protector parts are, like, taking over, that's when we go into these four steps.
- [18:02]
A
Yeah. Or you could even just do it proactively. Right. You could start your day with it. That's what I do. I start my day with a self help meditation. I just, just notice how I'm feeling when I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is check in. Or you're at your desk and you notice that your jaw is tense and there's like. Or you're anxious. You could check in the second you feel an undesirable feeling, or the second that you notice an undesirable belief, or the second you see yourself back in that pattern. These are all cues to check in.
- [18:29]
B
Okay, so right now you're talking to a lot of high achieving women, as you know. And I really do believe that IFS can help balance that ambition and with that emotional wellbeing that we all want. And I do believe because I see myself in so many of my students, there's a lot of workaholics that are listening as well. So can you talk about how ifs exactly. Like where it plays a part in that and how we can use it?
- [18:54]
A
Yeah. And let's talk specifically about how self help, how these four steps. Because ifs is. This is. This is not ifs. This is a self help practice that's informed by the principles of ifs.
- [19:07]
B
I love that. Okay, that makes sense.
- [19:09]
A
And it's important because I, I want every listener to be like, to be curious about ifs. And in ifs, you could do a very similar process of what I'm doing. But it's not this. Right. This is a great introduction to ifs. And the truth is, is that ifs is the. One of the. Is the best, in my opinion, therapy for going to those young exiled parts of us that I'm not trying to touch here. I'm just trying to work with these protection mechanisms. Right. But if you're like, I want to do what Gabby's suggesting and then I want to go deeper, that's when you go into ifs. Okay. Do them simultaneously. Go, go. There's resources that I offer all throughout the book to access IFS therapy, but this is, this is a self help practice that has been blessed by the founder of ifs. He wrote the foreword for this book and he's given me permission to go out into the world and democratize it with this model that I created.
- [20:01]
B
Wonderful. Okay, makes sense.
- [20:02]
A
So the four steps, introduction to ifs. How would this work with a workaholic? You know, Amy, I love that we're giving this to your audience, because if the. This is an audience of people that want to manifest, they want to be abundant, they want to attract. And I would say first to your audience, you know what you want. Right. You all, they all out there know what they want to manifest. You know, Amy, and the next question is, well, what belief is blocking it? And that belief would be what we could work with, because that belief is what's driving them to be a workaholic. That belief is what's driving them to overdo it, to override themselves, to be a people pleaser, to be whatever it is that they're doing that's blocking their big dream. We manifest what we believe, and so the beliefs that we. That we have are actually blocking the big manifestations that we desire. So if you're, if you're a workaholic, you likely have a belief that if I'm not working, I'm not. I'm not achieving.
- [21:00]
B
Yes.
- [21:01]
A
Or if I'm not proving myself, I'm not good enough, or I have to override myself and work and work to. To get to where I want to be.
- [21:10]
B
If I'm not hitting my specific revenue goals, then I'm doing something wrong and I'm not worthy of the success that I want. So I better work harder to hit those goals. Yeah.
- [21:19]
A
Or if I'm not, in my case, as an entrepreneur, if I don't do it, nobody else will. Ooh, that's big. Makes me actually cry when I say it because I'm working so much with that part of me right now. I'm doing such beautiful work to help her heal Amy. And the practice that we're doing here is how I'm healing her. And through this, ifs therapy. And I gotta tell you, I don't even think my career has started.
- [21:45]
B
Wow, that's a lot to say for, for how much you've accomplished, my friend.
- [21:49]
A
Because I have achieved a fraction of what I'm here to bring forth as a result of being burdened by that belief. Right. And so as I heal her, that young part that believes if I don't do it, nobody else will, I get more clarity and I get more connection to that part, and I have more courage to surrender. And about, you know, in the last few weeks, I quit my job.
- [22:17]
B
What do you mean?
- [22:19]
A
I quit the way that I have been working.
- [22:23]
B
Okay. I need to know everything. What are you talking about?
- [22:26]
A
I wrote a memo to my team, and this Is this is perfect for your audience to hear this. Well, one thing I've been hitting the bottom with that part, right? That part that's doing it all. And simultaneously as I've been healing that part, I've been getting into a different point of attraction and therefore able to manifest different types of support in my life, right? So the right people to help me make the changes I want to make, that's part of it, right? We manifest what we believe. So if we are in a belief that if I have to do it, then we're going to keep attracting people that can't do it, right? And so as I started to heal that belief very proactively in my therapy and on my ifs and my self help practice, I've been getting into more and more clarity of who I want to have help me. So that started to come through. Okay. And then as that came through, I started seeing, well, I'm still in this part and I'm still not, you know, fully accepting that the people are here. And so I'm trying to continue to do it all. And maybe not everything is fully in place yet because I haven't had the clarity because I'm still stuck in that belief. And so I started bottoming out with that belief of like really saying things like, I can't go on like this. This is when we know we're bottoming out, can't go on like this. There has to be a better way. I've even saying, she's like, I'm losing my mind. You know, I've said that. Yeah, yeah, I'm losing my mind. I'm holding too much. I've lost my light. I started to say, which is really heartbreaking. I've lost my purpose. Because that's where it will take us. These parts, these protectors, if they become so extreme, we actually, you know, get so far disconnected from that light of self. And then the more awareness we have of it, the more aware of how disconnected we are, which is even more heartbreaking. And so I finally just started hitting bottom. Hitting bottom. And I started getting clearer and clearer as I kept doing the work. Cause clarity itself, right? And that clarity started to emerge for me. And last week, last Saturday, I wrote a memo to my team and it said, letting you lead. It's a notion document. And I said, letting you lead. And at the beginning of it I said, people ask me what I do for a living and I say that I'm a motivational speaker and a self help book author, but that's actually a lie. Because what I'm doing is reading marketing briefs and working on sales Pages and editing YouTube thumbnails and creating strategy and checking emails and editing push notifications. And I said, the good news is, is that now, for the first time in this company, we have an amazing VP of marketing who's fully capable of leading this. And with him in place, we have the opportunity for my chief of staff to start to do the production and really lead on that. And so the puzzle's starting to fall into place. And so now that the puzzle's in place and I'm in place, I'm going to let you lead. And then with a lot of clarity, I said, here are the next steps with which we are going to do that. And here are my expectations and boundaries. I'm expecting clear systems. I'm. And I. The list went on, right? I'm expecting you to own the, you know, X product and this product so that I can go get back on stage and be in my light. And I gave a very clear plan, person by person, on how this would be executed. So there was clarity, there was confidence, there was commitment to myself and my part, you know, and my. And my. And my to self. Right. There was compassion for myself and for the team. We've been through a lot. This has been hard. Let's get to a new place. And there was connection, right? Let's all connect on this. And there was the courage to surrender it all and give it to them. And that was the biggest turning point where I quit my job and chose a new title and new role. And now the role that I've been trying to step into for years and years and years and years, the untethered force of light, I can actually see some signs of life for that role. And every single day, I'm having the courage, Amy, to give over more. And in the conversations this morning with my chief of staff, I said, well, I could just do that. And then she caught me and she's like. And I said, you're right, I could do it. And I'm not going to go hire somebody. And that place that I could get to, where, one, I could be a point of attraction to actually track the right talent to actually do that work, and two, actually hand it off to them could only happen by healing this part. And I know that for a fact, because I've been an entrepreneur for 25 years, and for 25 years with lots of therapy and lots of different practices and all kinds of spiritual practices, I wasn't able to do that. And so it was requiring of me to do the self help to actually get to the place where I could genuinely feel enough release and enough connection to that young part and heal that part through my self connection. And in doing so, that part doesn't have to carry its adult role. Right? Like we were little children, we had these traumas and then we were forced into these adult roles of protecting ourselves. That child doesn't have to be in that adult role anymore and she could go and offer it up to other people. Here, it's your job. Here's your job. Here's your job. And she can now be in her childlike role and her creative role and her confident role and her courageous role and her connected role and she can get back on stage and she can do this great interview with you and she can be in self and she doesn't have to be worrying about whether the YouTube video went out properly and she can trust in the team and she can also just surrender it because she's just courageous enough to do that. Hey there, it's Gabby. I'm so psyched to be on this show today speaking with you. And as you've heard, I'm talking about my book, Self Help. This is your chance to change your life. I am going on tour, people. I'm taking these methods and these principles and I'm going to teach you how to transform the limiting beliefs that block you from your manifesting power. And this is all happening in my change your life tour. It is on the road now. I'm going to be in New York City on January 10, Los Angeles, January 14, San Francisco, January 16, February 27 in Boston. I'm also heading to Mexico City City, Australia, Dublin, London. So go to DearGabby.com events to join me live. If you are near New York, LA or San Francisco this month, do not miss this. DearGabby.com events this is the absolute best event to attend to prepare your intentions and set yourself up to manifest your big dreams in the new year. So head over to DearGabby.com events, join me in New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Boston, Australia, Mexico, London, Dublin. I'm going to be all over the place. DearGabby.com events I love you guys.
- [29:12]
B
So a few things that came up for me and that's beautiful. I'm so glad you shared that because I think it will land so well with those who are listening. Number one, you had to do a lot of work to get to that place that you said, you know, I'm quitting my job and I know you And I know you've changed around your business. You've made some hard decisions, some sacrifices in your business. You were really courageous in order to do so. So can you talk about. I've always struggled with, I think I'm learning more. But those who might still struggle with it, what does it mean to do the work? Like, what does that look like?
- [29:45]
A
Well, let's keep it simple for them. Do the four steps. Maybe you have a therapist, maybe you don't. Maybe you have a spiritual practice, maybe you don't. Maybe you have a life coach, maybe you don't. Doesn't matter. Start now. You have awareness of what you want. You have awareness of the beliefs that are blocking you from getting it. And now you have a four step tool that can help you heal the belief. So that when you heal the belief, you become a different point of attraction. And that point of attraction starts to manifest what you actually want in your life and what you want in your business. But I promise you to your listener, and I promise you, if you don't do that work, you will not achieve the goals that you truly want. Or maybe you will, but you'll always want to be looking for more and you won't be able to keep it and you won't feel happy when you get it and you'll keep striving for more and you'll keep being burdened by the beliefs and it won't matter what you manifest and attract because you're going to be fucking miserable. There's your message. So here, I've done the work for you. I am an entrepreneur. I am a very similar entrepreneur to everybody listening. I've got the same type of business that you have. I promise you that if you don't show up and turn inward. It doesn't have to be my four steps. It could be some other self help practice. But I can say I've done the work for you. So try it out. If you don't do it, then you're gonna stay in the same pattern that you're in. And if you do do it, this is why the subtitle of the book is this is your chance to change your life.
- [31:25]
B
Exactly. Take me back to that belief. We were talking about this protector and you were mentioning like you have a belief and that belief is keeping you stuck essentially. But my fear is that sometimes I have a belief that I don't realize is what is causing me the struggle, hurt and pain. How do you identify that? That belief is not the one that's going to get you to where you want to go.
- [31:53]
A
You could either identify a belief or a pattern or a behavior or even a feeling. Right. So if you're like, I don't know my beliefs, so I don't know my patterns and behaviors, but you're like, I live with a lot of anxiety. Just work with the anxiety. Just check in with the anxiety. Or I know that I go. My back goes out every time I sit down to my desk to do work. Check in with your back. There's a whole chapter called Anxious Parts, and there's a chapter called Body Parts. You can check in with your rage. You can check. I have tmj, Jaw tension. That's a protector. Right. I could check in with the jaw. The more you get curious about it, the more is revealed. Right. The jaw is, again, the controller. Right. So just the more you tease out these undesirable feelings, sensations, thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and you check in with them rather than check out of them. Think about it. When you have anxiety, you're like, so quick to check out. You're like, I don't want to feel that I'm going to just check out from that same.
- [32:44]
B
I do that.
- [32:45]
A
Right. Well, how does that work out for you, Amy?
- [32:48]
B
It never goes away.
- [32:49]
A
Makes it worse.
- [32:50]
B
And it's always just this hum in my body, in my mind. Yeah.
- [32:55]
A
And oftentimes when we try to push it down, it makes it worse.
- [32:58]
B
It does.
- [32:59]
A
Yes. Really does. So check in. Check in with the anxiety, Check in with the jaw tension, Check in with the back pain. Check in with the belief, Check in with the pattern. The second you notice yourself opening the refrigerator to go binge instead of binging, if you have enough awareness of the stimulus before you respond, you could maybe stand in the refrigerator with your hands holding the fridge and check in for one minute, Find relief, get to calm. Maybe you can walk away.
- [33:31]
B
Is there like a. I know you probably talk about this. I know you do much more in detail in the book, but let's. Let's take that person that's at the fridge and they're holding the handle and they're. They're ready to binge. Is there. I know the check in, but is there something they could say or a question they asked to allow them to let go of that handle, they can pray.
- [33:51]
A
So there's. Or if you don't like the word prayers, it set an intention. There's a chapter in the book about a spiritual, a very spiritual chapter in the book, that sometimes we don't have enough awareness of the trigger or the part because we become so blended with these parts of ourselves that we think we are that part. Right? Or we're justified in that part, or we're righteous about that part. And so. But you feel the feeling that's so undesirable. And you could just start by saying, I need help. That's a cue to self. And, Amy, I've been in that prayer for the last month as this part has just been kind of untangling and untethering and just falling apart. Literally. In a good way, though, right? Like. Like, bottoming out. I've been in moments so stuck in the reaction of just rage and why aren't they doing it? Why can nobody help me? Who's that? That's a little girl who. Who did not have the right upbringing, who did not have parents that cared for her, who did not. Who experienced trauma, and nobody was there for her. And so what the fuck is she saying? She's literally saying, why is no one helping me? What is she. What was she saying as an adult? The same damn thing. Okay? And so in those moments when I had the awareness of me being in that part, all I could do was say, I need help. For me, I talk to God. I talk to my spirit guides, I talk to angels. And I'd say, God, angels guides everybody. I need help. Now, if you don't have that kind of faith and you just want to say, I need help, you could just literally put it out to the universe. Trust that there, maybe there's a self inside that's listening, I need help. Or just say it, affirm it. I need help. That's enough to get going. Because, look, I wrote this book for the willing, Amy. It says self help in bright flamingo colors in huge letters on the COVID It's not for the unconverted. It's not for the unwilling. This is a book for people who are like, I'm ready to go big. I want to feel better. I want to achieve. I want to have the successes in my life. I want to feel great. I want to have great relationships. I want to age backwards. I want to feel better in my nervous system. I want to be less hypervigilant. I want to release anxiety. I want all these great things. Then this is the willing. You're ready to pick it up.
- [36:22]
B
Exactly. Exactly. You know, it's. It's really special to do this interview with you because I'm your friend, and I. I know. I know you. Not incredibly well, but well enough that I've gotten to see parts of your life. And one thing I know about you being in your presence is that you tend to let go of things very quickly. Something happens not in your favor, maybe not what you wanted to happen. Someone says something, does something, you're like, oh, well, how did you get there? I think so many of us, and maybe I'm very selfish in this question, but how would. How do you do that?
- [36:54]
A
Well, I think that we all have some parts that are burdened and some parts that aren't. Right? So if you were to be like, can you let go? Have you been able to let go of things not working out the way you planned in your work environment? No, that would be like a lie. Right. So this is the area I've been working on, but in another way. And maybe for you that is easier, right? But for me, that wouldn't be where I'm like, no one's helping me. Right. That would be something I wouldn't have been able to let go of until now. But in terms of, like, somebody disappointing me or something not working out, I, you know, I have a lot of faith, and I live with faith and trust in God. And so I know that for a God of my own understanding, and I know that when that rejection is protection, I. I don't have a burdened part there. Right. And I know why I don't. Because I was brought up by a mother with all of her shortcomings. She has many beautiful qualities. And one of the qualities that offered me that type of confidence was a quality that you can do anything and that nothing has to stand in your way and that you don't need to be given a handout to make that happen. You know, I watched my mother with no money and like, you know, no support from my father financially, just literally just like, hustle and figure it out and make money and do creative things and everyday entrepreneurial, like new even to this day at 75 years old, girl is like making bank, like selling houses and then doing her jewelry and now just started painting randomly and decided to paint and she started putting her stuff into an art gallery. Like, that confidence was instinct. And that sort of, you know, it, let's go mentality was instilled in me as a child. And so with that confidence, I don't get really hung up about, oh, so and so doesn't want me on their podcast. Oh, that's too bad for them because they're going to miss out on some. Some really cool content. But I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna belabor it. Right? That's just not a part for Me, but I have plenty of other parts. Amy.
- [38:55]
B
That's what I love about this. So what's interesting about your. You're so humble in the sense of you wrote the book to help people in their lives, and you are at the top in the understanding of this, but you are so honest with. I'm struggling with this, or I'm working on this, or just last week. I think a lot of people listening, including me, sometimes are very afraid to show that side of us because then people will think, well, I shouldn't learn from her. She's a hot mess. She doesn't have it figured out.
- [39:23]
A
Why.
- [39:23]
B
Why am I going to learn from someone like that?
- [39:25]
A
And I.
- [39:26]
B
Talk to me about that because I know it's coming up.
- [39:29]
A
For some people, it's a great question. I think that we can.
- [39:32]
B
For.
- [39:33]
A
For me, I can only speak for myself that if I don't tell the truth, then I'm a fraud. And it was actually shameful for me to even say to you today, like, oh, I. I was, you know, I. That when I say I'm a motivational speaker and author of It's a Lie because I've been doing email and marketing, that was kind of a shame.
- [39:54]
B
You said that you felt that.
- [39:55]
A
I felt shame. I felt shame that. That. That that was where I was at. But I've done enough work with it that I could say it, that I could speak it, that I could. So I wasn't. It was like a, you know, tinge of like, ooh, that's like. That's like a. That's, like, sad, you know, but it's true. And I also have always been in this knowing that your truth is what heals. And I'm here in this body, in this lifetime, in this way, to tell the. To be a truth teller. I am not a guru. I'm a teacher. I'm not a guru. And I teach through my own experience so that you can recognize yourself in me and notice that there is a truth in healing, that healing is genuinely possible. If I don't tell you the truth, then you'll maybe put me on a pedestal, or you'll idolize, or you'll make a false idol out of me. And then I'm gonna disappoint you. You're. It's not gonna work. You won't see. You won't think you can do it, too. And also, it's just like, it would never work for me. It doesn't sit in my system to. To lie, to not be in the truth. I can't if I find myself, like, in a. You know, trying to be something I'm not, you know, I actually am. I'm. I'm. I'm quitting a lot of things. I'm not quitting my podcast. I'm quitting how I'm doing my podcast. So I'm now going to put more live talks on my podcast. I'm going to still do some, like, conversational things when I want to, but really, I'm going to put my live talks on my podcast. Because you know what, Amy? I was looking at my life and I'm like, I'm not a podcaster. I'm not an influencer. I'm a spiritual teacher. I'm like a preacher. I. This isn't who I am. I gotta get back to who I am.
- [41:39]
B
When you're live, the things that come out are just so powerful.
- [41:42]
A
And so that's what I want to give the world. Then maybe the, maybe the advertisers won't like it. Fuck it, I don't care. They'll like it because it'll be very valuable for the listener.
- [41:54]
B
Yes, they'll like it. Yes.
- [41:55]
A
But that's. Can't be the driver, right? Can't be like, oh, what hook are we going to go to? It has to be what moves me. Because I've always said, if it moves you, it's going to move the masses.
- [42:07]
B
Yeah, for sure. So for those that are listening right now and they're struggling with all the things that we know our audience as well, what they're struggling with, things that we've struggled with along the way. What do you, what do you wish more people knew around the work that you do and the desires that they have? Like, what do you like? I wish they would just know this or do this or whatever. What is it like deep in your heart?
- [42:33]
A
Oh, it's the four steps. I mean, it's.
- [42:36]
B
I didn't set her up that way. Just.
- [42:37]
A
It's 100% the four steps. It's. This is. You know, I went to my mentor and friend, Dr. Richard Schwartz, in 2021 when I. I befriended him, had him on my podcast. He was the third person I interviewed on my podcast. I looked at him and I said, I. This therapy has changed my life. I need to share it. I know that it has to come through me. I want to write about it. And he looked at me and he said, well, I want you to make sure that you apply for the training, because if you're going to do that, you got to know the model. And so this was at a time I was the last round of students to go through that was allowed to take the training if you weren't a therapist. So I was in a training with hundreds of therapists but I was one of the very few that wasn't. And now you can't even take this level one or two training or three if you're not a therapist. And so I had the, the God blessing of lining it up to get through this. You know, a lot of people apply, there's a, there's a whole lottery system. I got into level one, did a level two, put hundreds of hours into this training, became a practitioner in internal family systems therap therapy and then made it my commitment to have the model so ingrained in my system so that I could safely translate it into a self help process. Did it got approval and the blessing and the forward from my beloved friend Dick Schwartz and now am able to share this incredible gift that he gave the world to many, many more people that wouldn't have found the therapy because of finances or because they don't think they need therapy or because it might have felt like too much or, or maybe they never heard of it. And so here I am. This is my job. I'm sharing with you what worked for me. That's what I'm sharing.
- [44:12]
B
Yes. And I think that's the most powerful, my most favorite way to teach. Actually the only way I teach is I've done it. These are the mistakes I've made, the wins I've had, everything I've learned along the way. Here you go. I never teach what I haven't done or what I don't know personally. And that is, I think what is in self help that you have gone through. I remember you going through this journey. I remember it being intense. I remember you like really in the fire of it to come out the other end and be able to teach us in a way that makes sense to us, especially if we're just getting started, I think is the most beautiful gift. So thank you, my sweet friend, for doing this because I think it's going to change many lives.
- [44:48]
A
I love you so much. This is actually my favorite interview I've had.
- [44:51]
B
Oh, love you so much and thank you for this time and tell everybody. So at the time that this goes live, Gabby, the book is out. It just came out. So basically they can get the book anywhere, but do you want to direct them anywhere?
- [45:03]
A
Yeah. So the book is out. I would say go to DearGabby.com selfhelp and you could order the book there and then we give you some self help meditations that go along with that. If you wanna get extras, you can go there or go to your bookstore or go to your Amazon wherever you get Your Books or DearGabby.com selfhelp it's all right there.
- [45:22]
B
Love you friend. Thanks again.
- [45:24]
A
I love you. Thank you.
- [45:26]
B
So there you have it. I think you'll agree that this conversation with Gabby was overflowing with wisdom and inspiration and I think it was just special. And I love how much Gabby shares her own personal experience because I think it just makes it more relatable and brings her teachings to life. So I really appreciate her vulnerability. So I hope after listening to this episode you not only feel aligned with your own journey towards self help, but also have some practical tools to start applying right away. Personally, my favorite part is that she makes it so easy to get started. She tells you exactly what to do. And the coolest thing about her framework or her methodology is that you can use it in business, in your personal life, with addiction, with breaking habits, with adding new habits like your personal life and your business life. These tools work for both and I think that's really, really powerful. So I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I have. Thanks for tuning in and I'll see you next time on Online Marketing Made EAS.