← The Baffling Behavior Show {Parenting after Trauma}
The Baffling Behavior Show {Parenting after Trauma}
{BONUS} Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior- webinar replay
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- [00:01]
Robin Gobel
I finally get to share with you something that I've been working on for a while. Making Sense of Baffling Behaviors is a free audio training for professionals who work with the families of kids with big baffling behaviors. This four part free training is delivered to you again for free right in your podcast app, the one that you're using right now to listen to the Baffling Behavior Show. If you work with high intensity families with a lot of dysregulation and baffling behaviors, you might occasionally, or yeah, maybe even a lot of the time, feel overwhelmed or even burned out. Making sense of those baffling behaviors, the kids, the parents, and yes, your own, is the first and most non negotiable step in decreasing burnout, being more effective at your job, and yes, even loving your work again. If you join this training, you'll also get access to a discussion forum that I'm holding over on Facebook and 2 live Q& A sessions with me. This is a pop up audio training, meaning it's time limited. It will start May 5, runs throughout the week and will be available to listen to you until May 12th. That's one week total. I mean there's really no reason not to sign up. It's free, it's offered in a podcast app so you can listen whenever you want. There's no live commitment, just those bonus live Q&As. The link to register is down in the show. Notes robingobel.com bafflingbehaviors Y'all, this is one of my most favorite weeks of the year and I cannot wait to share it with you. Now let's get to that episode that you pressed. Play on.
- [01:49]
Co-Host or Assistant
So when your kids behavior is baffling and yours is too sometimes.
- [01:53]
Robin Gobel
Yeah, I know. Let's take a break from all the.
- [01:56]
Co-Host or Assistant
Bamboozle here on the Baffling in Behavior Show. Hello.
- [02:06]
Robin Gobel
Hello everybody. Welcome or welcome back to this bonus episode of the Baffling Behavior show or the podcast formerly known as Parenting After Trauma. This bonus episode is the audio of my free webinar Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior. I ran this webinar live in early February 2025 and the webinar is a full on video webinar with slides and oodles of handouts and support support resources. The audio I think can stand alone by itself and can still be very useful to the listener. So I decided to pop the audio here into the podcast so that even more people can better benefit from this webinar. If you listen and you would like to experience the webinar as a webinar, see the slides and then get the resources that accompany it, which is an ebook and several other downloadables and resources. You can easily do that. It's@robngoble.com webinar the video is right there on my website. You can just watch it and then you can sign up to get all of their resources emailed to you. So robngoble.com webinar I didn't do any editing to this audio. So you are getting the real raw audio file directly from the webinar. And I really hope that you find this helpful.
- [04:03]
Co-Host or Assistant
Here we go. Welcome, welcome everyone. I am thrilled to be with so many folks this morning for a focus on the nervous system to change behavior. I'm Robin. Y'all. We have had about 4,000 people register for this webinar which has just shocked us. Absolutely shocked us. And I share that with you because I know the vast majority of you here are parenting kids who are struggling and it would be easier for you if more grown ups knew about this information, right? Like your kids, teachers and their therapists and I mean like your next door neighbor and their coaches, right? The more people who knew this, the easier your life would be. And so I just think it is so inspiring for y'all to know that 4,000 people have signed up for this and by the end of today, they are going to have this webinar. They're going to have all these free resources. Y'all people want this information. They want to help your kids, they want to help you, they want to lighten your load. So I just am thrilled, thrilled to see all of you all here today and all of the folks who are going to come tonight too because we are going to do this again this evening. Okay. Before we get out, already knows sitting a little tickle in my throat. So just excuse me while I take a drink. All right, friends, in the email that you got with the login link, so if you're here, you got that email, in that email with a login link, there was a link to a resource folder and that link is here again as well, as well as a QR code if you want to scan that with your phone. And that QR code or that link is going to take you to and Katie, my assistant just put it in the chat as well. That's going to take you to a folder of resources that are yours to keep, they're yours to download, they're yours forever. Please do download them though. Don't rely on them living in this Google folder. So please, absolutely download them. This is a webinar, so that means there's no cameras on, your mics aren't on. And because of the format of the webinar and the short length of it in particular, we're going to try to be here for about an hour. I am not going to be able to answer any questions. Questions. However, at the end I will be giving you loads of options for like, where you can go next if you would like to explore some of the ideas even further. If you are left with questions, then you're like, what next? Where do I go? I'm going to give you oodles and oodles and oodles of resources for where you can do exactly that at the end. And in the chat, Fred says we have most of those already printed off and around our house. I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled. So my guess is that you are most likely here today because you're experiencing your kids behavior or maybe the kids you work with or the kids are in your classroom. Right. Your kids behaviors as confusing and baffling and overwhelming. Right. And because these behaviors are confusing, baffling and overwhelming, you are confused and baffled and overwhelmed. And my guess is if you're here as a helper, you're feeling the same way. Because I know that I was when I started doing this work more than 20 years ago, I was like, what? Nobody prepared me for this. Nobody told me what to do. Nobody said it was going to be like this. Which interestingly enough, is exactly the way that the parents were feeling who were coming to see me. I was getting stuck with parents 20 years ago in this kind of endless game of behavior. Whack a mole. And parents in some way shape or form kind of communicate to me that that's how they're experiencing life right now. It's like they get, you know, we get one strategy and we try it and maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. But if it does work, something else seems to pop up and it's like there's this constant endless new behaviors. Whack a mole, trying just anything and everything, which is of course leaving all of us stuck, exhausted. I mean, I'm talking to parents every day who feel like they're a terrible parent, this is all their fault, or maybe even that. It's like there's something wrong with my kid. Right. This of course, only can be kind of exacerbated. There's this additional layer that can happen when we're parenting kids who have what I'M going to call vulnerable nervous systems. And there's all sorts of reasons kids and humans can land have vulnerable nervous systems. My background and my experience is mostly working with kids and families who have experienced trauma, toxic stress, loss, adoption. There's all sorts of reasons kids can have vulnerability in their nervous systems. And we'll talk about that in a little bit. Right? And, and those of us who have kids with some vulnerability in their nervous systems, this whole parenting gig is feeling maybe exponentially harder than, you know, like, you look around and you're like, why is it so hard for me and my family? Right? Does it have to be this hard? Can't anything ever just be easy? I know I asked my question, that question myself a lot. Can't anything ever just be easy? Right. What I want you to leave here today knowing is that it is not that you're a bad parent, and it's definitely, definitely not that you have a bad kid. Okay? So sometimes, surely, all of us do things that are quote, unquote bad. Me, you, your kids, of course, right? We're not perfect. But being, doing something bad and being a bad parent or a bad kid, they're not the same thing. And you're not a bad parent and you don't have a bad kid. Though for a lot of parents I come across, we have been given outdated information about what behavior really is and how to change it. And we've tried all the things, rewards, consequences, punishments. Again, like, you name it, we've tried it, right? Timeouts, time ins, grounding, spankings. And these strategies aren't working not because you're a bad parent or because you're doing it wrong. They're. They're not working because they don't address what the reality problem is. Okay? So today we are going to look at exactly that, the real problem, okay? We're going to look at what behavior really is, and we are going to focus on the nervous system to change behavior. And I'm going to give you a tiny little spoiler, which is like, I'm actually not terribly concerned with behavior change. And that's because I try really hard not to focus on things that are totally out of my control and somebody else's behaviors are totally out of my control. I mean, for the most part, my own. I'm not even hardly in control of my own behaviors all the time. Right? Somebody else's behaviors are totally out of my control. Right? But. But the other reason I don't stay super focused on behavior change is because I know that if I keep My sights on what the real problem is. The nervous system. The behaviors that we're longing to see in our kids. Behaviors that promote a connected, calm, comfortable relationship with them. Those behavior are likely to begin to emerge.
- [12:04]
Robin Gobel
Just a real quick interruption. If you're loving the podcast, you should go right now to my website. Check out all my free resources. There's webinars, downloadable ebooks and a huge amount of infographic cheat sheets on so many different topics. Felt safety and boundaries. How to handle lying. What what to do if you have a child who seems always dysregulated. How to not flip your lid when your kid is flipping theirs. Steps you can take when your nervous system is fried. What co regulation really looks like. And y'all, that's not even all. There's more. And my team and I add at this point about one new free resource a month. So you're going to want to check in regularly, see all those free resources and download exactly what you want@robingobel.com freeresources let's go back to the show.
- [13:09]
Co-Host or Assistant
It is very possible that as you kind of go through this webinar today, especially if you and I are meeting for the very first time, you might feel a little bit whiplashed at what we're going to talk about today really flips on our head. Everything we thought we knew about human behavior and frankly for me about being human. I really had to deconstruct everything I believed about what it meant to be human when I started to shift and understand more about the neuroscience of behavior.
- [13:42]
Robin Gobel
So if you are new to me.
- [13:43]
Co-Host or Assistant
Me and you just meeting for the first time and you feel a little like, what on earth is this lady even talking about? I want you to just know that that is perfectly normal. I've been doing this work for about 20ish years and lived and worked in Austin, Texas for 15 years. Back in Austin, Texas, I was the founder of a group of therapists. We called ourselves the Central Texas Attachment and Trauma Center. We practice out of this little blue house and I had an office where folks from all over the city who had kids with what I would say is the most vulnerability in their nervous system, those biggest baffling behaviors. Those folks came to my office. I had a place where it kind of became the place where families came when nobody else was helping them, when everyone was also everyone was like, I don't know what to do next or we've exceeded what I can do to help your family. Right? And probably a lot of you here have been told that by professionals. I hear that constantly. Right. And so those are the families that came to me, right? The families that were just stuck. Nobody was knowing how to help them. Then in 2019, my family and I relocated from Austin, Texas. We now live outside Grand Rapids, Michigan. It was right before this thing called the COVID 19 pandemic, which really just changed everything. And what that meant is I'm no longer seeing clients in a therapy practice, but now I do this and I travel and I teach and I train and I, you know, do workshops and keynotes and I travel around the country and I also do it a lot. From here I sit in my basement and have such the privilege of being able to impact folks all over the world, like so many more families than I did when I was seeing, seeing clients in a therapy practice. I have a professional training program for professionals called Being with, because I know that there are enough professionals who know how to help your family. So I spent a lot of my energy training other professionals so that they can have more capacity in their own nervous system to stay with and be with the families of the kids with the most vulnerabilities and those biggest, most baffling behaviors. I have an online community for families of parent, families of kids with these big baffling behaviors where we come together for support and education and community and connection. I have my podcast, the Baffling Behavior show, which you can find in any podcast app. And I'll refer you to dive deeper into some topics at the end of our webinar today. About a year and a half ago, I published Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors, which has done shockingly well. And again, the reason I tell you that is for hope. It is for hope because I know that for so many of you here in like, your day to day life, it feels like nobody can help us. And it doesn't even feel like anybody wants to help us. And what I want you to know is there are so many people who do. There are so, so, so many people who do. It's still not enough, but it's growing. And I don't know if those folks are able to touch your life. But I really feel like even if that's not happening, to have hope, that there are so many people out in the world who are doing the work to want to be able to support you and your family. And I think walking away from today with a little bit of that hope in your nervous system can just be really helpful, especially when things feel so big and so overwhelming. The work that I do with Families really rests on three pillars that intersect and strengthen one another in the way that they intersect. So I do a lot of work with families on talking about the neurobiology of behavior. We get sciency, we get into what really is happening inside the body that's causing this behavior. Then of course, we do lots and lots and lots of tools, right? I give parents big, huge toolboxes, and they aren't exactly like behavior change tools necessarily. It's not do this and this behavior will change, right? But I offer tools that will support regulation, connection and felt safety. Because as we'll learn today, we know that those the regulation connection felt safety. When we increase regulation connection felt safety, we're going to see a decrease in the behaviors that are leaving you feeling confused, baffled, and overwhelmed. So we learn about the science, we stuff our toolbox full of tools, and then that third pillar is about connecting and exploring ourselves as parents. Or maybe if you're here as a professional, it's just as important because of course, you know that knowing what to do and actually doing it are not even close to the same thing. I mean, I think about all the things I know what to do, like how to have a conversation with my husband without yelling at him. I certainly know how to do that. Do I do it all the time? Of course not. Because knowing what to do and actually doing it are not even close to the same thing. And if we want to use the tools that we're, you know, that, that we know will help our kids with regulation, connection felt safety, we have to be regulated enough to do to use them, right? And so connecting to ourselves, exploring ourselves, increasing our own regulation is that third pillar. When we bring the science with the tools, the tools then can become both useful and intuitive, right? They're going to actually work because they're going to actually solve the real problem. And eventually they become really intuitive. Like, they just kind of emerge from our minds in the moment as opposed to us having to pause and think, what tool should I use now? And when we have big toolbox full of tools and we're regulated ourselves, those tools emerge from a place of being instead of the experience of like, doing something. And that's spectacular because that's actually how the nervous system changes when we're with somebody who is with us instead of trying to do something to us or trying to get us to change. And then when we take the science of behavior and we apply it to ourselves, right? We increase our own compassion towards ourselves because we realize everything we're learning about our kids applies to us too, right? So we can increase our compassion, that increases our own nervous system regulation and what interpersonal neurobiology calls integration. Integration is just everything good. Everything good comes from integration. And from there, then all those pieces can come together to really support us in parenting kids with really vulnerable nervous systems and these biggest, most baffling behaviors. In today's webinar, we are going to only be talking about the neurobiology of behavior. And even then, we're only going to scratch the surface. I mean, that's really all we can do in a one hour webinar. But when we're done, I am going to give you oodles of resources about where you could go next if you want to dive further into the neuroscience, if you want to dive further into the tools, if you want to dive further into the self exploration, okay? So I already have warned you. We're going to flip everything we thought we knew about behavior on its head. Okay? And clearly there is a ton to learn, tons and tons and tons of to learn. So that kind of begs the question, why? Like, why are we going to do this? Why are we going to flip everything we thought we knew on its head? Why are we going to do something that's so hard? Why are we going to focus on the nervous system to change behavior? The first reason is we have significantly new and more science than we did 20 years ago. We're also better, I think, now in 2025 than we were, say for example, in 1995, about taking academic information that's emerging from the research and making it practical and helping people apply it to their real lives. We're getting better at that and it's happening more quickly, although it still actually takes a really long time. We have a lot more science than we did 20, 30 years ago, and we're getting it into the hands of the people who really need it more quickly. The field of what's called relational neuroscience is giving us a much clearer picture about what behavior really is. I've studied extensively with experts in the field. I taught the science of interpersonal neurobiology in a postgraduate certificate course. I've really made it kind of the focus of my professional life to take the relational neuroscience and not just translate it for like regular people in the real world using it, but specifically for parents of kids who have these biggest, most out of control behaviors. So that's the first reason we're going to put in all this effort to shift how we see behavior. Number two, this new information from relational neuroscience allows us to finally solve the real problem and get out of playing behavior whack a mole. Okay? And if the old way was working and if it was solving behavioral challenges, you would not even be here. Right? Everything would be fine. It's not working. We are stuck in this terrible game of behavior whack a mole. That's the second reason we're going to use relational neuroscience to finally solve what the real problem is, which is not that we haven't yet found the perfect behavior management technique. I promise you that is not what the problem is. Probably my most favorite reason to shift our paradigm is that the paradigm shift itself is an intervention. Relational neuroscience helps us see how changing how we see people changes people. It really, truly is an intervention. It's not necessarily an intervention that's going to stop a behavior problem in the moment, but it is an intervention and that it shifts the nervous system, and therefore in our nervous system and our kids, then it's going to shift behavior. Even though it's not something we do and it's something we be changing how we see people and changing what we understand behavior to be, it actually is an intervention. And then the final thing I'm going to talk about with regards to why we're going to take all this effort and really change what we understand about behavior is that I have found that understanding what behavior really is allows parents to have some clarity. We can stop feeling confused about what's happening with our kids. Right? Confusion is a terrible feeling. Right? So if we have more clarity, we feel less confused. Ultimately, we're going to feel more confident as a parent, more connected to ourselves and more connected to our kids. And actually all of these things can happen even if our child's behavior never changes. Right. Like I already mentioned, Rick, we, we are not in control of anybody else's behavior. And we have to find a way to be okay with that truth. Again, like, I'm hardly even in control of my own behavior. Right? We have so much less conscious control over our behavior than we'd like to think that we do. So if I have even less control over my own behavior than I think I do, how can I think I can control my kids behaviors? Right. This doesn't mean we don't work really hard to change behavior that's hurting our kids, hurting others, violating other people's boundaries, having really severe relational and social consequences. Right. And I don't want you to leave here today thinking this is a like, like, oh, well, I mean, they can't help it approach. That's not it at all. Right. It Means we look at what the real problem is and see what we can do to impact that, while also realizing, I'm actually not in control of anybody else's behaviors. We're going to start with the agreement that the brain and the nervous system is behind everything we do, including behaviors. We have to get out of the habit of thinking that behaviors are about character or about not having a big enough consequence or punishment. Behavior is about what's happening in the brain and the nervous system. We are going to get really good at putting on our x ray vision goggles. I think of it like developing a superpower. A superpower that lets us notice behavior, but notice the behavior as a cue or a clue about what might be going on on the inside. And then we can get curious, and then we can think about, oh, what could I do that could be helpful? Okay, so there's three tenets that the work that I do rests on that I've taken from relational neuroscience. Number one, essentially what I just said, behaviors are just what we see on the outside that gives us some cues and clues about what might be happening on the inside. Okay, so you're. You. It's. It's not that we are not going to look at behaviors. We're going to look at behaviors like control or manipulation. Right? We're going to look at those behaviors and be honest about them. Like, yeah, that's a controlling behavior. Yeah, that's actually a manipulating behavior. But then we're going to go further, we're going to go deeper. Okay? If we're going to label behavior something like attention seeking or escape behavior, or that's a behavior just designed to, like, get what they want, right? We have to keep asking the question, why? What's happening in the nervous system that's prompting that behavior? And let's target that. Okay? So we're always going to stay curious, always going to keep asking why. The second core tenant is that we all need connection to survive. Okay. In other words, connection is a biological imperative. Of course, our kids are attention seeking. Okay? If kids need connection, we want to give it to them. Then once they are regulated, we can help them find ways to access and seek that connection in a way that's actually connecting. Right? So many of our kids, attention seeking behaviors make us go, ugh, I don't even want to be around that person. Right? So when we notice it's an attention seeking behavior, we want to meet the need, the connection. And then afterwards, we can brainstorm together what are some ways that we can help this person seek connection. In a way that's actually inviting connection instead of pushing it away. And then the third core tenant. And if you've followed my work at all, you've definitely heard me say this. Regulated, connected kids who feel safe and know what to do, behave well or do well. And y'all, this isn't a formula, okay? We're not shifting to a nervous system lens simply to have a more effective behavior management system, right? Like, let's regulate them, connect, connect with them, help them feel safe. Boom. Good behavior. I wish it works like that. That would be easy. That's not it, unfortunately. It's not a formula, right? It's, it's something we're shifting to because it's humanizing, because we don't want to control or manipulate other people's behaviors. Although the truth is that sometimes I do. Like, sometimes I'm like, please just do what I want you to do, right? But. But it's not possible, right? So instead we want to invite them into regulation, into connection, into felt safety so their nervous system feels better and relation or behaviors that promote relationship emerge, right? When kids are struggling, then we can pause and ask ourselves and y'all, actually this actually applies to everyone. This isn't only about kids. I apply this to everyone. When people are struggling, we can pause and ask ourselves, is this behavior about regulation, connection, about safety, or some combination of the three? Now, before we go any further, let's talk about what behavior isn't. Behavior is not. Your child's behavior is not a reflection of who they are as a person or who you are as a person. There's a lot of things we can do as parents, as professionals, as helpers, as educators to offer regulation, connection, felt safety, invite kids to have a more regulated nervous system. There's so many things that we can do to do that we have a lot of influence. We do not have control and how well we do that, how well we influence, how well we offer. Regulation, connection and felt safety is not a reflection of our goodness as a person. In fact, it's a reflection of our own regulation, connection, felt safety and our kids behavior is not a reflection of who they are at their core. It's a reflection of their nervous system behaviors. And I'm talking about all behavior, not trauma related behavior, bad behavior, baffling behavior. But all behavior is just what we can observe on the outside. And behavior emerges from the adaptive for survival response of our autonomic nervous system. And please don't think hear me say things like adaptive survival response and think I'm talking about trauma or anything other than simply being human. This is about all humans. Although there are some things that we can look at and how there's a. There's pieces of this work that are. That we can think about through the lens of trauma, and we will do that slightly before we get to the end of our time together today. Okay, so let's deconstruct the idea that regulated, connected kids who feel safe do well. And we're going to start with felt safety. Felt safety, then, is a subjective experience that's based on what's happening in the environment, what's happening in the caregiver, and what's happening in ourselves. Okay. What this means is, is that felt safety is not about physical safety. Felt safety is a unique to that person's experience that brings together these three pieces. How safe is the environment? How safe is what's happening in my own body, and how safe is my experience with the caregiver? And it's not about physical safety. It's about felt safety. Okay? Dr. Alan Shroof offered this idea of felt safety. He initially called it felt security, like, I don't know, 50, 60 years ago. Then, in the 90s, a concept called neuroception emerged from a theorist and researcher named Dr. Stephen Porges. And what Dr. Porges has done, he's done a lot of things, and we'll talk more about Dr. Porges. But what Dr. Porges has done is kind of given us the science for what Dr. Shroof said. Right. And what Dr. Porges said is that there's this nervous system phenomenon that all of us, without noticing or thinking about it, our brains are always looking for cues of safety or danger from what he is said to be the inside, the outside, and the between. Okay, so this mirrors what Dr. Shrub said, right? From the. From the child self, from their environment, from their caregiver, inside, outside, in between. And Dr. Porges proposes that neuroception is at work constantly. When I first learned about neuroception, I learned that neuroception was asking the question safe or not safe four times a second. Every quarter of a second, the nervous system is saying, safe or not safe. Safe or not safe. Safe or not safe? Dr. Porges now says continuously, it's continuously asking, safe or not safe. I still like to say four times a second, because technically, four times a second is less frequent than continuously. So it still feels accurate to me. But I think trying to quantify it like that really helps us understand how quickly this is happening. Four times a second, at least. Safe or not safe?
- [35:36]
Robin Gobel
Hey, friends. So just a really quick interruption. Make sure you know about the new Owl, Watchdog and Possum Workbook for kids. The All About Me workbook is 24 pages, full color. It's created to help kids strengthen their owl brain and take care of and calm their watchdog and their possum. Your child can do the workbook alone or with you. And in fact, even if they aren't interested in the workbook, you could learn a ton about how to help their owl, watchdog and possum just by reading and maybe even doing some of it yourself. The workbook's available to purchase, and you'll get it instantly as a digital Download over@robingobel.com store.
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Co-Host or Assistant
I'm going to keep layering in a few more pieces about how the nervous system is making an assessment of felt safety. Because felt safety is at the core of our nervous system. Felt safety is at the core of our nervous system and at the core of behaviors. Okay, so neuroception inside, outside, between, continuously, at least four times every second. Let's go a little further. Imagine that this blue triangle represents everything we're taking in and processing in every moment. So in this moment right now, every single thing your brain is taking in and processing and trying to make sense of, it all fits into that blue triangle. Okay? The amount of things that you're aware of that you're taking in and processing in every moment is teeny, teeny, teeny tiny, okay? It's just a teeny, tiny little sliver of everything you're actually taking in and processing. So there's this teeny, tiny little sliver of everything we're taking and processing that we're aware of. You could be like, oh, yeah, I can hear Robin and I'm sitting in this chair, or I'm, you know, doing my dishes and the water is hot. Whatever you're doing right now, all those things you can notice, right? And pay attention to you. Then there's all these things your brain is processing right now that you're not aware of. You have no idea that your brain is processing all those things. And the ratio of those things is really actually kind of beyond what we can even comprehend, right? If we're processing 11 million bits of information every moment, we're aware of somewhere between about five and 50 of them. So let's just go on the high side. Let's say 50 over 11 million. Really? That's kind. That's a ratio that's, like, hard to even wrap your brain around. Okay? So our brains are mostly Relying on processing information that we're not even aware of is happening. Okay? And the brain does this by taking really quick mental shortcuts, organizing information through a process of like really quick filtering and quick association. Okay? So teeny tiny, tiny amount we're aware of every moment. I'm going to add one more layer to how the brain is determining felt safety.
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Robin Gobel
Okay?
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Co-Host or Assistant
Inside, outside, between four times a second, a teeny tiny amount of those things we're actually aware of. Whereas there's a whole lot of stuff we're not aware of, but we're still processing it, right? Making sense of it and deciding safe or not safe. And the last layer I'm going to add in is that the brain isn't just processing what's happening in the here and now to create what would be our own unique subjective reality of the here and now. What the brain is actually doing is processing what is literally happening in the here and now. It's like a stream that contains everything in the here and now. And then there's another stream that contains our memories, everything that's happened in the past. And those two streams flow together to create our subjective reality. Which is why reality is subjective. Because nobody's stream of the past is the same. Okay? Nobody's dream of the past is the same. Right? And we're going to talk about what this might mean for those of you who have kids whose stream of the past is overflowing with danger. We'll talk about that in a minute. Right now we are literally talking about all kids stream of the now, stream of the past, okay? And those two streams come together and they're not equal. Even in a non trauma brain. The stream of the now is about 20% of reality and the stream of the past is about 80% of reality. We really take a lot more from the past past than what's actually happening in the here and now to make sense of what's happening. So inside, outside, between at least four times a second, five to 50 of it, we're aware of 11 million, we're not aware of the now. In the past, they all come together. And the nervous system is essentially then asking this question, safe or not safe? When the nervous system is experiencing enough cues of safety, that is overall experiencing felt safety, the nervous system will rest into safety in connection mode. From connection mode, behaviors of connection emerge. What's a behavior of connection? Well, generally speaking, behaviors of connection are not the kinds of behaviors that send parents and professionals to behavior webinars. Okay? Behaviors of connection are not usually the kinds of behaviors that are, you know, that we wish we could change. Okay, so we're going to hold that thought. What if instead of trying to change behavior, we try to change the nervous system so that we can help the nervous system rest in connection mode, and then behaviors of connection can emerge. If the nervous system is experiencing more cues of danger than cues of safety, it's going to rest into the not safe. Okay? And remember, we're bringing together these two streams, right? Safe or not safe, more cues of danger. Nervous system is going to go, oh, not safe. And when we're not safe, then we. Our nervous system flips into protection mode. And from protection mode, behaviors of protection and emerge. And they can be behaviors that have a lot of energy. They can be behaviors of protection that have a decrease in energy. So we have behaviors of connection, behaviors of protection. And when we're at behaviors of protection, there can be two pathways. A lot of energy or a collapse of energy. Okay, okay. So that was the tiny, quick little summary about felt safety is. And remember, we did regulation, connection, felt safety. So that was felt safety. Let's move to connection. Dr. Porges, who we already talked about, he's the theorist behind neuroception and the polyvagal theory. Dr. Porges says connections of biological imperative. We are born to need connection. It is not something that we lose. This is a key core tenet for me because the vast majority of my experience is with kids who have been deeply hurt in relationship. And because of that, they have behaviors that make it seem like the last thing they want is connection. They're behaviors that are, like, pushing us out of connection badly. Right? So sometimes I have to just have a hope, like have a belief. Connection is a biological imperative. Connection is a biological imperative. It's somewhere in this person, somewhere in this child is a drive for connection. And I know that has to be true because it's a core part of being human. We know that the brain develops inside connection. There's oodles of research that says we need connection with a safe, regulated caregiver for the brain to literally wire up and bloom. Like neuronal connections are developed because of connection with a safe, regulated caregiver, brain development literally depends on it. So that makes a lot of sense. Then that connection is a biological imperative. Right? We need it for our brain to develop. And we also know that when we can't find the connection we're seeking, and we're always seeking connection, our nervous system experiences that as a cue of danger, and we shift into protection mode. And so that's just another little piece that we're going to kind of put a pin in and return to later and think about how it all kind of connects in and relates to all of this. Not getting connection is a cue of danger. Does it mean we need to be connected to our kids 100% of the time? Not even half the time. I mean, it doesn't mean that at all. What it means is it's something we want to consider. It's something we want to consider. So when our kids are behaving in a way that's either rejecting of or not inviting connection, we know that their nervous system has shifted into protection mode. And we want to pause and just ask ourselves, like, what's up with that? And then we want to pause and ask ourselves, what's happening in my nervous system. Then the third piece, regulated connected kids who feel safe do well is regulation. Regulation is a word that has nothing to do with parenting or kids behaviors. Regulation is a word that we can apply to all sorts of things. Like my thermostat. The thermostat helps to regulate the temperature of my home. When talking about kids and behaviors, we're going to think about the word regulation as keeping the accelerator and the breaks of energy and arousal and balance. And it's the energy and arousal of the autonomic nervous system. Okay. This is from Dan Siegel's definition of regulation taken from Parenting from the inside out, which is one of his first parenting books that he wrote. Okay, so I use the words autonomic nervous system. We are not going to get heavy into the autonomic nervous system. I'm going to give you a third 30 second overview of the autonomic nervous system. And this is a significant over, over, over oversimplification of the autonomic nervous system. It is sufficient for our purposes. The autonomic nervous system has two branches, accelerator and brake. The accelerator branch is the sympathetic branch. It gives energy. The brakes are the parasympathetic branch. And it brings energy down. Our sympathetic branch kicks in for things like stress. And not all stress is bad. Surprise, excitement. It gives us energy. I went to the gym this morning. I needed my sympathetic nervous system. One, to even get out of bed and two, to power me through my workout. Right? And the parasympathetic system is the brakes. It brings our energy down. It allows us to socially engage, connect, relax, Right? Some folks have learned that the sympathetic nervous system is fight, flight, and it is not. The sympathetic nervous system is accelerator. It's energy. When we're neuro ceiving danger like we already talked about that energy then becomes fight flight energy. And the parasympathetic branch actually has two breaks. Kind of like our cars have just a regular brake and an emergency brake. It's not a perfect metaphor, but it's sufficient. Right. The regular brake kind of helps our cars gently come to a rest. And we use that part of the parasympathetic branch maybe to like meet a friend for coffee, okay. Whereas this other break, maybe you could think about it like as the emergency break really brings us down into collapse. Now collapse isn't always bad. I mean we go into like a state of deep, deep, deep rest, right. As we're like snuggling on the couch or we're getting ready for bed, right? But when we're neuro seeming life threatening collapse in that part of the parasympathetic branch brings us down into a life protecting state of collapse. Like a possum regulation then is having balance in these two parts of the autonomic nervous system. Accelerator, brake. Accelerator, brake. There's this idea of the window of tolerance that was introduced I think by Dr. Dan Siegels and Dr. Pat Ogden. And Dr. Siegel talks about the window of tolerance and how much stress we can tolerate. For me, the window tolerance is the space inside our nervous system where we can manage stress without freaking out. You and I both know that our window of tolerance changes, right? Some days I can handle a lot of stress, some days I handle a little bit less. And it's for a whole lot of reasons, right? Whole lot of reasons. I wonder if tolerance is ebbing and flowing like moment to moment, frankly. So when we have a nice wide window of tolerance, our sympathetic accelerator and our parasympathetic break moves back and forth and it balances out the energy and arousal of our autonomic nervous system system. How does this develop? Okay, well this, this where we, is where it starts to get fun. Okay. We're going to start to bring all these pieces together. When babies are born, when healthy full term babies are born, they have a pretty strong accelerator, right. They can cry without problems and they actually have a pretty strong break. They sleep a lot. What they need help with is moving back and forth between the two. Right. Babies need a lot of help moving from sympathetic activation into calm. Right. They need help. They don't do that on their own and. Right. They don't spend a lot of time in like that calm, active alert stage. Right. Teeny tiny newborn babies spend moments there. Right. And so they need help strengthening that as well. They Sleep, great. But they don't always have, they don't have a lot of capacity for that calm, active, alert state. Right. Babies can do that for minutes before they're exhausted. Okay, so what babies need help with, what we're growing in babies is regulation. Shifting back and forth between the two and strengthening the part of the break that doesn't just bring them all the way into sleep, but brings them into this calm, active, alert stage. We do this not exclusively through, but my training has focused mostly on how we do this through the attachment cycle. Okay, so let's look at that super briefly. Okay, this is again oversimplification, but the attachment cycle basically says a baby has a need. The caregiver comes to the baby with a similar energy matches, then the caregiver soothes themselves and the baby and the baby can shift their nervous system then into a state of being safe, seen, soothed and secure. And that's language from Dr. Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. We know that attachment actually is the foundation for regulation. And there's scientific studies and research that's written and peer reviewed the validation.
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Robin Gobel
I hope that you loved that episode of the Baffling Behavior Show. If you did and you're wondering where can I go to learn more or get more support? Or maybe you're a professional and you want to be able to bring this work to your overwhelmed clients, I have got three places for you to go next. Number one, my USA Today best selling book, Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors. A year and a half after publication, Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors continues to exceed our wildest dreams, breaking sales goals and getting feedback that it is changing people's lives. Lives. Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors is available in paperback, ebook and audiobook, which I read wherever you buy books online. The second way to get more support is to come and join us over in the club. It's an online community of connection, co regulation, and yes, even a little education. We have over 500 members and you'll gain support from the wisest, most compassionate, most in the trenches with you parents in the world. You'll be able to pick my brain, watch over a hundred different videos and Download the over 50 resources that are uniquely developed just for the club and just for you to bring owls, watchdogs and possums into your family. And if you're a professional, like a therapist or a coach, a teacher, an educator, maybe an occupational therapist, a daycare owner, anyone who supports the parents of kids with big baffling behaviors, hop onto my waiting list for the 2026 cohort of being with. It'll be our fifth cohort of our year long immersion into the neurobiology of big baffling behaviors and the science of connection, safety and co regulation. You'll grow your capacity so that you can hang in the hardest places with families of kids with vulnerable nervous systems, and you'll finally get the professional support that you need and deserve to work with the families who keep being told by other professionals that they can't help them anymore. One of my goals is that families.
- [55:08]
Co-Host or Assistant
Never hear that again.
- [55:11]
Robin Gobel
We'll be opening applications in the late spring or early summer, and we'll be opening those applications only to folks who are on the waiting list. So be sure to add your name to the waiting list over@robingobel.com beingwith y'all, I'm so grateful to support you and be with you on this journey. Till next week.