Episode Summary: EP 201: Walking on Eggshells Release Date: November 26, 2024
Host: Robyn Gobbel

In Episode 201 of The Baffling Behavior Show, hosted by internationally recognized children's mental health expert Robyn Gobbel, the focus centers on understanding and managing the pervasive feeling of “walking on eggshells” that parents of children with vulnerable nervous systems often experience. This episode delves deep into the psychological and neurobiological underpinnings of this sensation, offering parents compassionate insights and practical strategies to foster a more secure and connected family environment.

1. Introduction to Walking on Eggshells

Robyn Gobbel opens the episode by acknowledging the chronic stress parents face when managing children with trauma histories or neuroimmune disorders. She describes "walking on eggshells" as a state where parents feel perpetually on edge, fearing that any misstep could trigger a behavioral outburst from their child.

“Living with somebody with a vulnerable nervous system can leave us feeling like we are walking on eggshells.”
—Robyn Gobbel [02:30]

2. Connection Mode vs. Protection Mode Framework

Robyn introduces the framework of Connection Mode versus Protection Mode, explaining that "walking on eggshells" is indicative of living in chronic Protection Mode. Protection Mode is characterized by heightened alertness and the urgent need to prevent potential triggers.

“Walking on eggshells is living in chronic protection mode.”
—Robyn Gobbel [04:15]

3. The Illusion of Control

A significant portion of the episode discusses the common misconception among parents that they can control their child's behavior to maintain their own sense of regulation and safety. Robyn emphasizes that attempting to control another's behavior is both impractical and detrimental.

“We can't control their behavior. So this walking on eggshells, feeling this conflictual sense, I can't be okay without controlling somebody else's behaviors, but also I can't control their behavior.”
—Robyn Gobbel [06:45]

4. Manifestations of Chronic Protection Mode

Robyn outlines how chronic Protection Mode can lead to various adaptive behaviors in parents, such as people-pleasing, setting rigid boundaries, or completely disengaging ("checking out") to avoid triggering their child.

“We find ourselves people pleasing our kids, afraid to set or enforce a boundary… knowing we will eventually get it wrong and wanting to be always ready to respond to that.”
—Robyn Gobbel [09:20]

5. Understanding the Child’s Perspective

Delving into the child's experience, Robyn explains how children who have not been consistently protected by adults develop an internal belief system that necessitates self-protection. This manifests in behaviors like oppositionality, defiance, and other challenging actions as attempts to stay safe.

“Children believe that if they could just stay in chronic protection mode, they'd stay safer.”
—Robyn Gobbel [12:10]

6. The Watchdog and Possum Brain Metaphor

Robyn introduces the metaphor of the Watchdog and Possum brains to describe the protective mechanisms in both children and parents. The Watchdog remains on high alert, while the Possum represents a defensive shutdown response.

“Your watchdog or your possum was just very, very tired. It was so overworked.”
—Robyn Gobbel [15:50]

7. Neurochemistry of Chronic Stress

The episode explores the neurochemical responses associated with chronic Protection Mode, highlighting how constant vigilance can lead to heightened stress responses and reduced resilience over time.

“Neurochemically, it makes sense that you'd have a whiplash sensation if your body begins to risk shifting into feeling safe.”
—Robyn Gobbel [21:30]

8. The Desire to Predict and Its Limitations

Robyn discusses the human brain's inherent desire to predict future events as a means of survival. However, in unpredictable environments, this leads to increased anxiety and the perpetual sense of instability.

“The brain really wants to predict what's about to happen next. So the brain's number one job is in fact to predict what's about to happen next.”
—Robyn Gobbel [23:45]

9. Building Resilience and Flexibility

Shifting focus to solutions, Robyn encourages parents to embrace the inevitability of occasional dysregulation ("whiplash") and to work on building resilience. She emphasizes that relaxing the need for control can paradoxically increase the family's overall safety and stability.

“It might feel like if things get really hard again, you can't handle it and you can't figure it out. But imagine if you can muster the resilience to handle it.”
—Robyn Gobbel [26:20]

10. Practicing Feeling Safe

Robyn offers practical advice on how parents can practice feeling safe in moments of stability, thereby allowing their protective mechanisms to rest and recover. This includes fostering environments where both parent and child can experience periods of calm without immediate threats to their sense of safety.

“The antidote to that sensation of chronic walking on eggshells is to practice feeling safe when you are safe.”
—Robyn Gobbel [29:10]

11. Compassion for Protective Responses

Concluding the episode, Robyn underscores the importance of extending compassion and gratitude towards one's own protective responses. Acknowledging the hard work of the Watchdog and Possum brains can facilitate a more compassionate internal dialogue and reduce self-judgment.

“Send some compassion and gratitude for our watchdog and possum parts that are working so, so hard to keep us safe.”
—Robyn Gobbel [32:00]

12. Final Reflections and Encouragement

Robyn wraps up by encouraging parents to balance their protective instincts with moments of vulnerability and safety. She reassures listeners that while the journey is challenging, fostering this balance can lead to deeper connections and a more harmonious family dynamic.

“It's safe to feel safe when we are safe, but also that that's really hard for our watchdogs and possums to believe.”
—Robyn Gobbel [34:25]

Key Takeaways

• Chronic Protection Mode leads to heightened stress and feelings of walking on eggshells.
• Illusion of Control: Attempting to control a child's behavior is neither feasible nor beneficial.
• Children's Self-Protection: Challenging behaviors are often rooted in a child's need to feel safe.
• Neurochemical Impact: Constant vigilance affects the brain's ability to regulate stress.
• Building Resilience involves accepting occasional instability and fostering safe environments.
• Compassionate Self-Talk can alleviate the burden of chronic protection responses.

Notable Quotes

• “All behavior makes sense. All behavior makes sense.”
  —Robyn Gobbel [05:05]

• “Living in chronic protection mode and feeling like you can't be okay without being able to control somebody else's behaviors... that's not criticism, that's just awareness.”
  —Robyn Gobbel [07:30]

• “The antidote to that sensation of chronic walking on eggshells is to practice feeling safe when you are safe.”
  —Robyn Gobbel [29:10]

Conclusion

In this insightful episode, Robyn Gobbel provides a compassionate exploration of the constant vigilance parents may feel when raising children with vulnerable nervous systems. By understanding the dynamics of Protection Mode, recognizing the limitations of control, and fostering resilience, parents can move towards a more balanced and connected family life. Robyn's expert guidance serves as a valuable resource for those navigating the complexities of parenting after trauma.