Episode Overview

Main Theme:
In this episode of The Baffling Behavior Show, host Robyn Gobbel explores a pivotal question for parents of children with vulnerable nervous systems: "Is it time to raise the bar?" She examines the delicate shift from lowering demands to help heal a child’s stress response system, to the often-confusing process of knowing when—and how—to gently reintroduce manageable stress and expectations. Robyn addresses the anxieties and uncertainty parents face during this transition, integrates neuroscience and attachment theory, and provides guidance for reflective, attuned parenting.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding and Healing the Stress Response System

• Background: Lowering demands reduces the activation of chronically overwhelmed stress response systems in kids who've experienced trauma, toxic stress, or nervous system vulnerabilities.
• Significant Reference: Robyn draws from Dr. Bruce Perry’s work and other deep theories (e.g., Polyvagal Theory, Bowlby’s attachment behavior) to explain how felt safety is crucial for healing.
  • "How we heal the stress response system isn’t to 'power through,' it’s to rest, it’s to reduce the stress, lower demands." (13:22)
• Rest is Essential, but Not Indefinite:
  • Robyn parallels this with her own recovery from injury, motivating listeners to consider that both the body and the nervous system eventually need to safely “exercise” again to regain strength. (Episodes 94 & 205 suggested for deeper dives.)

2. Curiosity, Attachment, and the Natural Urge to Seek

• The Role of Curiosity: Attachment theory suggests that, in environments with enough felt safety, humans naturally want to explore, seek, and take “good” risks.
  • "Bowlby talks about one of the three attachment behaviors as being curiosity and seeking... Generally speaking, when there is enough felt safety, humans do want to seek and explore and grow and change." (17:50)
• Impact of Past Trauma:
  • For children with many painful memories, the urge to seek/try new things can be buried by fear, making the natural drive for curiosity almost inaccessible.
  • "Those memories, that fear... [are] likely going to suppress a natural desire for curiosity, for tolerating stress." (22:10)

3. Why Some Kids Struggle to 'Raise the Bar' Themselves

• Difference in Innate Drive: Some children, once their nervous system is allowed to rest, naturally push themselves to try more. Others do not, likely due to temperament, history, or neurological patterns.
• Memory Networks:
  • Kids with fragile nervous systems often have "memory networks" warning them that stress is never safe—so attempting more, even if developmentally appropriate, feels overwhelmingly dangerous.

4. Real-Life Dilemmas: Balancing Family Needs

• Relational Impacts:
  • A highly sensitized nervous system often leads quickly to "protection mode" behaviors: verbal aggression, manipulation, and more.
  • "Parents tell me things like they feel held hostage... not talking about bad kids... this is about their stress response system." (27:12)
• “Double Truths”:
  • It's not just about the child’s healing—these patterns can hurt others and disrupt family life.
  • "How do we make sense of both truths? This child's behavior isn't because they're bad... but it is having a very serious negative impact on other people." (32:38)
• Parental Anxiety: Many fear reintroducing expectations, associating it with past trauma cycles for their kids—and for themselves.

5. When Is It Time to Raise the Bar? (And How?)

• There’s No Magic Flowchart:
  • Robyn emphasizes reflection and attunement over prescriptive answers.
  • "How do we know if our child needs us to start raising the bar?... The non-answer answer that I'm going to give you is... keep increasing our own connection to ourselves." (41:16)
• Key Differentiator: Parent's State of Mind
  • Make choices from a calm, regulated place (“connection mode”), not a panic/protective one.
  • "The more we're connected to ourselves... the more we'll be able to see our child clearly." (45:07)
  • Lowering demands from “protection mode” may reinforce a child’s belief that stress must always be avoided. Lowering demands from “connection mode” still offers co-regulation and support.

Bruce Perry’s Resilience Criteria (Key Quote)

“We build a resilient stress response system when we experience stressors that are predictable, controllable, and moderate. Whereas we build a sensitized stress response system from stressors that are unpredictable, extreme, and prolonged.” (48:27)

• Guiding Question:
  • Is this stress predictable? Controllable? Moderate? Supported with co-regulation?—If so, it may be time to “raise the bar.”

6. Addressing Parent Questions and Common Scenarios

• What if even simple boundaries cause extreme dysregulation?
  • There are no easy answers. Sometimes the brain’s pathways are so deeply ingrained that even mild stress feels perilous.
  • In these moments, reflect: “Is this too much right now? Too much for them, or for me?” Sometimes the best move is to shift the boundary; other times it’s to hold it but increase support.
• Reflect:
  • Has lowering demands increased everyone’s sense of safety and connection? If not, it may be time to reconsider the approach. (55:32)
  • "Sometimes we lower the demands for our kids as a behavior management technique... which is basically to just get them to do exactly what we want them to... We can be honest because it matters in what we do next." (57:54)

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On Overprotection and Adaptation:
  • "Some injuries can be healed. Some injuries mean we make adjustments to our expectations from life. And this is a tough call... We might not. We might have to guess and fail and get it wrong and sometimes right." (35:50)
• The Limits of Expertise:
  • "I 100% wish I could come to your house and support you through all of this, give you a flowchart and help make these decisions for you. But alas, that's not what I can do." (63:10)
• On the Parental Journey:
  • "I want you to feel more confident in yourself. I don't want you to feel more confidence in me... I am helping you trust yourself more." (62:00)

Practical Guidance & Next Steps

• Reflection Over Prescription:
  • There’s no one-size-fits-all answer; what matters is how you make the decision, not just what you decide.
• Grow Your Own Regulation and Attunement:
  • The best navigation tool is your own connection and regulation.
  • "The more we get to know ourselves better, the more we grow our own owl brains and the better we feel about making these decisions ourselves, including if they end up being the 'wrong' decision." (68:22)
• Resource Suggestions:
  • Re-listen to Episode 94 (stress response system) and Episode 205 (scaffolding felt safety).
  • Engage further in the Club if you’re a member for peer and expert support.
  • Explore free resources at robyngobel.com/freeresources.
  • Grab Robyn's book: Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors.

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [10:00] Introduction to the Stress Response System
• [17:50] Attachment, Seeking, and Curiosity
• [22:10] Why Some Kids Don’t Naturally “Raise the Bar”
• [27:12] The Impact of Protection Mode on Families
• [32:38] Navigating Double Truths: The Child and the Family
• [41:16] Is It Time to Raise the Bar? How to Know
• [48:27] Bruce Perry’s Resilience Formula
• [55:32] When Lowering Demands Isn’t Working for the Whole Family
• [62:00] Robyn’s Hopes: Building Parental Confidence
• [68:22] Reflective Decision-Making and Next Steps

Tone and Closing Thoughts

Robyn’s approach in this episode is compassionate, validating, and practical—full of warmth, self-disclosure, and expert guidance. She steers away from shame, encourages self-trust over external authority, and recognizes the immense complexity and individuality of every parenting journey.

For Deeper Support

• Parents:
  • Revisit foundational episodes and resources, increase your own self-attunement, and consider peer/professional support for tricky family dynamics.
• Professionals:
  • Consider joining advanced training cohorts to better support families struggling with these questions.

Summary compiled from “Ep. 207: Is It Time to Raise the Bar?” (The Baffling Behavior Show, Feb 4, 2025). Host: Robyn Gobbel.