The Baffling Behavior Show – Ep. 216: "On Purpose" Behavior

Host: Robyn Gobbel
Release Date: April 8, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Robyn Gobbel tackles the perplexing topic of “on purpose” behaviors in children—those actions that appear intentional, strategic, manipulative, and sometimes deliberately hurtful. Robyn decodes why these behaviors are not as straightforward as they seem and explores the neuroscience and underlying motivations behind them. While this episode abstains from offering prescriptive strategies, it aims to change the lens through which parents, caregivers, and professionals interpret such behaviors by breaking down the complexity and shifting the focus from “what to do” to “why is it happening?”

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining "On Purpose" Behavior

• Robyn sets the stage by describing “on purpose” behaviors as:
  • Deliberate, sometimes manipulative, often strategic
  • Seemingly full of “owl brain” (prefrontal cortex) skills
  • Judged as thoughtful or even calculated
• Parents often feel confused because these behaviors don't look reactive, dysregulated, or obviously stress-induced (01:30).

“It feels like there was a lot of owl brain around in order for this not great behavior to get executed. And that feels really confusing because the owl brain mean that the behaviors are coming from connection mode. But if there is an owl brain, then why are these behaviors seeming so thoughtful?” — Robyn Gobbel (02:00)

2. Why Not Offer "How-To" Solutions?

• Robyn explains the episode will not center practical interventions because:
  • “On purpose” behaviors are complex and multifaceted
  • The “why” behind the behavior must be identified for effective intervention
  • Jumping to strategies risks staying at a surface, behavioral level (03:22)

“There’s way too many pieces of where those behaviors could be coming from for us to have a useful discussion about ‘Okay, well, now what?’”
— Robyn Gobbel (03:46)

3. The Neurobiology of Intentional-Looking Behaviors

• Owl, Watchdog, Possum Metaphor:
  • The “owl” represents the ventral vagal state from Polyvagal Theory—true connection mode, not just thinking or planning.
• “On purpose” behaviors often come from protection mode, not connection:
  • They may use owl brain skills (planning, strategy)
  • But they are rooted in “watchdog” activation (protection, not regulation)
• Chronic “what’s up watchdog” state:
  • Some children get stuck in low-level protection mode
  • This allows for thoughtfulness and planning, but not genuine felt safety and connection (08:45–11:30)

“The owl isn’t just about thinking. The owl is about being safe and connected… when thinking, planning, and being strategic is accompanied by hurting other people … is the owl involved?” — Robyn Gobbel (08:00)

“If you're seeing some of these on purpose behaviors that it feels like the owl is around, yet at the same time it feels like regulation is far away, that could kind of explain this.”
— Robyn Gobbel (11:20)

4. Dissecting Behavioral Motivation ("Mean on Purpose" vs. "Not Prioritizing Connection")

• The host offers nuanced distinctions among:
  • Behaving “mean on purpose” (intentionally damaging connection)
  • Simply prioritizing what one wants (not caring about the relational consequences)
  • Lacking impulse control (not truly about connection or intention)
• Each possibility has different implications for underlying needs and intervention (13:50–17:40).

“There's a difference between doing something mean on purpose and just prioritizing what you want instead.” — Robyn Gobbel (14:39)

“Maybe it's actually just really more about your child not having enough impulse control to do the thing that they know they're supposed to do.”
— Robyn Gobbel (16:02)

5. What Is True Regulation?

• Regulation is described as connection to oneself and to others, presence, and resonance—not simply the absence of chaos.
• Intentional harm, objectification, and manipulation are considered subtle dysregulation—even if they lack visible dysregulation or hyperarousal.
• True regulation opposes making someone a “pawn” or “chess piece” (21:12–22:30).

“Making someone feel bad on purpose is really about objectifying that person... for me, that’s dysregulated.” — Robyn Gobbel (21:45)

6. Shifting the Adult Lens: Compassionate Curiosity Instead of Control

• Robyn urges parents and professionals to reframe "on purpose" behavior as a sign of unmet needs, lack of felt safety, or disconnectedness—not as proof of a “defiant” or “bad” child.
• The goal is to chase the “why” behind the behavior, not simply stop it (23:16–25:00).

“The behavior is not because that kid is a bad kid. This isn’t a defiant kid or a manipulative kid or a mean kid. It’s still a kid who’s struggling.”
— Robyn Gobbel (23:20)

7. Why Punishment Fails—and What Actually Helps

• Parents’ impulse to punish is understandable, especially when feeling powerless.
• However, punishment does not address the real issues—often related to power/control, disconnection, or lack of relational skills.
• Robyn returns to her mantra: “Regulated, connected kids who feel safe and know what to do do well.”
• The real work: grow capacity for regulation, felt safety, connection, and skills while keeping the home safe and everyone protected by boundaries (28:51–31:55).

“Is punishment is making your child feel bad while also exerting power and control over them... is that likely to help the real problem?” — Robyn Gobbel (29:06)

“While still supporting your child’s development of regulation, felt, safety, connection and skills... how do we do both?”
— Robyn Gobbel (30:50)

8. Resources for Further Help

• For individual cases or to strategize “now what?” Robyn recommends engaging with:
  • Her online club and forums
  • Podcast search archive (for topics like lying, manipulation, verbal aggression)
  • Her book “Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors”
  • A plethora of free resources on her website (32:20–34:40)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “There’s a lot of whys to chase here." (24:34)
• “We know that we cannot control other people’s behaviors, and we know this because we have tried.” (27:14)
• “Come into the club… let us, you know, workshop this with you.” (32:00)

Key Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:30 | Introduction to “on purpose” behaviors | | 03:22 | Why there’s no “quick fix” for this category | | 07:40 | Owl metaphor & Polyvagal Theory | | 11:20 | Chronic protection mode & the “What’s Up Watchdog” | | 13:50 | Dissecting motivations—mean on purpose vs. impulse control | | 21:45 | True regulation vs. subtle forms of dysregulation | | 23:16 | The need to reinterpret “on purpose” behavior compassionately| | 28:51 | Powerlessness and the risks of punishment | | 30:50 | Balancing safety, boundaries, and developmental needs | | 32:20 | How to find help and resources |

Takeaways for Listeners

• Intentional-appearing behaviors are often not what they seem; understanding their neurobiological and relational roots is key.
• Compassionate curiosity—not control or punishment—is the best stance for parents and professionals.
• Effective support means pursuing the “why” beneath challenging behavior and addressing it through safety, connection, and skills-building, rather than quick behavioral fixes.
• Listeners can find detailed interventions and personalized help through Robyn’s book, online community, and robust library of free resources.

For more in-depth learning, listeners are encouraged to connect with Robyn Gobbel’s broader work and community resources mentioned throughout the episode.