Podcast Episode Summary

Podcast: The Baffling Behavior Show {Parenting after Trauma}
Host: Robyn Gobbel
Episode: EP 237 — Connection: A Biological Imperative (for parents)
Date: September 9, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode concludes a four-part series inspired by Robyn’s interview with polyvagal theory expert Deb Dana. Robyn dives deep into the theme of connection as a "biological imperative"—not just for kids with vulnerable nervous systems, but for parents themselves. She explores what it means for connection to be a fundamental human need, how trauma and protection responses can tangle up our relationship with connection, why reciprocity is often missing in parenting, and how adults—especially parents of children with special needs—can seek out and notice cues of safety and connection for their own well-being.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Context: Polyvagal Theory and Connection

• Robyn revisits wisdom from her Deb Dana interview and three preceding deep dives, focusing on the nervous system, regulation, and connection.
• Main Point: Polyvagal theory shows that connection isn’t just a “nice to have;” it’s a biological imperative, hardwired into us from birth (05:12).

2. Individual Differences in Connection

• Connection looks different for everyone. How we prefer to give, receive, and experience connection is highly individual and all preferences are valid.
  • "Nobody's experience of connection and their preference for how they experience connection is more or less valid than someone else's." — Robyn (07:10)
• True connection is always an invitation into safety, but for many with trauma histories, connection and protection get mixed up, making connection feel unsafe.

3. The Unsolvable Dilemma

• For those who need connection but have experienced it as unsafe, the nervous system faces an “unsolvable dilemma.” This is profoundly painful and leaves individuals feeling stuck.
  • "For connection to be a biological imperative and for it to be experienced as unsafe leaves a person's nervous system in what we would call an unsolvable dilemma." — Robyn (09:40)

4. Connection Is NOT the Same as Self-Care

• Although connecting and co-regulating with peers can look like self-care, Robyn stresses it is a core biological need, not a luxury or an “extra.”
  • "Connection isn't self-care. Connection is a biological need." — Robyn (11:25)

5. Prioritizing Adult Connection and Co-Regulation

• Many parents (especially of kids with special needs or trauma) have little access to adult reciprocity and co-regulation.
• Key Reflection: Identify—and notice—what actually offers you cues of safety in relationships:
  • Is it someone's tone? Attunement? Steadiness? Playfulness?
• Noticing these intentionally can magnify their positive effect on your nervous system.
  • “When we notice them, they have the potential to impact our nervous system in a positive way more deeply.” (18:40)

6. Reciprocity and Parenting’s Unique Imbalance

• Most adult relationships have some expectation of give-and-take. Parenting, especially challenging parenting, is deeply imbalanced—you give, and may not get much back, especially if your child experiences connection as unsafe.
  • "Parenting is, of course, a relationship that has less reciprocity, right? …The imbalance is profound." (28:16)
• This imbalance is not a sign of failure but a reality shaped by nervous system needs. Parents often also experience reciprocity deficits in friendships and even in co-parenting due to mutual exhaustion and protection responses.

7. Grief Over Lost or Missing Reciprocity

• Feeling grief, anger, or sadness over these unmet relational needs is natural. Robyn encourages sitting with and honoring these feelings—being present to grief is itself a cue of safety:
  • "Being with something and seeing something and staying present with something, even if that something is very, very hard or uncomfortable, it's actually a cue of safety to stay with it." (36:24)

8. Practical Actions to Fill Your Connection Bucket

• Widen your search for reciprocity and safety: consider acquaintances, professionals (even medical providers or therapists), and online/virtual communities as valid sources of connection.
• Virtual relationships can offer as much true co-regulation as traditional, “real-life” ones, and may be more accessible for exhausted or isolated parents.
  • "Virtual or online relationships absolutely can offer the same cues of safety as an in-person relationship does." (42:40)
• Robyn created her membership club to offer always-available, on-demand reciprocal support, as many parents can’t meet at designated “real-life” times.

9. Invitation and Encouragement

• If you’re not getting what you need, rest and lower your stress load first, then:
  • Intentionally notice moments of safety you do receive
  • Seek small doses of connection where possible—even virtually
  • Honor your grief if your needs aren’t being met yet, without self-judgment

10. Validation for ALL Parents

• You deserve to have your connection needs met. Parents experiencing isolation, lack of reciprocity, or grief can't “fix” these overnight—but your longings and struggles are deeply valid.
  • “It makes a lot of sense that knowing that it's hard while it's still being a biological imperative is bringing up uncomfortable feelings, including grief. And I do think there are steps that we can take.” (58:15)
• Seeking adult connection is not selfish or wrong—it is a healthy, necessary act for both you and your child.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Connection is a biological imperative. We are born with the need to be in connection with others and with ourselves, and we don't lose that need.” — Robyn (06:50)
• “When we tangle up connection and protection, we don't lose the fact that connection's a biological imperative. That remains true. It's just that it gets kind of covered up.” — Robyn (08:25)
• “Connection isn't self-care. Connection is a biological need.” — Robyn (11:25)
• “When we notice [cues of safety]…they have the potential to impact our nervous system in a positive way more deeply.” — Robyn (18:40)
• “Parenting is, of course, a relationship that has less reciprocity…The imbalance is profound.” — Robyn (28:16)
• “Being with something and seeing something and staying present with something, even if that something is very, very hard or uncomfortable, it's actually a cue of safety to stay with it.” — Robyn (36:24)
• “Virtual or online relationships absolutely can offer the same cues of safety as an in-person relationship does.” — Robyn (42:40)
• “If you're getting the majority of your connection from a virtual or online community, that is so valid and so wonderful and probably in many ways actually even offering you more cues of safety.” — Robyn (45:04)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:45] — Introduction to the four-part series and recap of Deb Dana’s influence
• [05:12] — Overview: Connection as a biological imperative
• [07:10] — Individual differences in connection: Validity of all experiences
• [09:40] — Unsolvable dilemma: When connection is unsafe
• [11:25] — Connection as need, not optional “self-care”
• [18:40] — Practical ideas: Noticing and seeking cues of safety
• [28:16] — Reciprocity: Parenting’s unique imbalance, especially with children who experience connection as dangerous
• [36:24] — The importance and value of honoring grief
• [42:40] — The value of virtual relationships and communities
• [58:15] — Permission to rest, honor your grief, and seek connection without judgment

Actionable Takeaways

• Notice the small cues of safety you receive in relationships (even from professionals or online communities).
• Honor your grief about missing reciprocity—naming and sitting with it is a form of self-care and safety.
• Rest if you’re depleted; lowering your stress and expectation is valid.
• Widen your circle: relationships don’t need to be traditional to be helpful.
• Seek online support—don’t underestimate the validity of virtual connection.

Useful Resources Mentioned

• Robyn’s “The Club” (virtual support community)
• Episodes 158 & 159 (“When connection isn’t safe” and “How to titrate connection”)
• Robyn’s book: “Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors”
• Resilience Room (Eileen Devine’s community)
• Free resources: robingoble.com/freeresources

Summary Tone

Robyn’s approach is compassionate, nonjudgmental, and deeply validating. She models openness and vulnerability, consistently providing both scientific information and emotional support.

Summary for New Listeners

If you’re parenting a child with trauma or baffling behaviors, this episode will help you understand why connection feels so urgent and so elusive—and remind you that your needs for connection are as real and worthy as your child’s. Whether you are grieving, surviving, or seeking hope, Robyn’s neuroscience-informed, heart-centered guidance offers practical suggestions and fierce validation for every parent’s journey.