The Baffling Behavior Show {Parenting after Trauma}

Episode 239: When Your Words and Feelings Don’t Match

Date: September 30, 2025
Host: Robyn Gobbel

Episode Overview

In this episode, Robyn Gobbel explores the concept of incongruence—when our internal feelings do not match our external words or expressions. She explains why this mismatch can be confusing and distressing for children, especially those with vulnerable nervous systems, trauma histories, or neurodiversities. The episode walks listeners through why noticing these mismatches matters, how they affect trust and nervous system safety, examples in everyday life and professional settings, and practical ways for parents and caregivers to bring more honesty and congruence into their relationships, ultimately fostering deeper connection and self-trust in their children.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

What is Incongruence? (Insides and Outsides Not Matching)

• Definition & Impact:

  • Incongruence occurs when what we express outwardly (words, expressions) doesn't match what we actually feel internally.
  • This is also clinically referred to as "incongruent affect" but Robyn uses everyday language: a mismatch.
  • "When I'm feeling one thing on the inside, but expressing or saying something different on the outside...that's really hard on our own nervous systems and it's really hard on our kids’ nervous systems too." (02:15)

• Prevalence:

  • All humans do this regularly—far more often than we realize.
  • Cultural and familial norms often encourage hiding true feelings or 'faking it'.

The Role of Neuroception (03:55–09:40)

• Neuroception Explained:

  • An unconscious "spidey sense" that constantly scans for safety or threat in the environment, self, and others.
  • Our children's nervous systems often pick up on what we're truly feeling, even when our words say otherwise.
  • "If my neuroception has an idea of what's happening inside your nervous system, but you tell me something different on the outside...that actually increases the cues of danger." (09:33)

• Why This Matters for Kids with Vulnerable Nervous Systems:

  • For children with trauma, sensory issues, or heightened sensitivity, even tiny mismatches can be felt as unsafe.
  • This can trigger their "watchdog" (fight/flight) or "possum" (freeze/shutdown) responses.

Why Faking Calm Might Backfire (09:49–14:00)

• Faking Calm = More Danger:

  • Trying to "fake it till you make it"—especially in parenting—can seem like a good strategy but may send confusing, danger cues to kids.
  • Memorable moment: Robyn shares her own experiences as a therapist, being transparent with clients about her own state to avoid sending mixed signals.
  • “I just want you to know that right before we got started today, I got some distressing news...but you might still be kind of noticing some of that in my nervous system. I just want to give words to it, because I don’t want you to interpret that what’s off with me has anything to do with me and you.” (11:12)

• Self-Compassion:

  • "If you're having some resonance with what I'm saying, and then you realize, oh my gosh, I didn't even realize these moments...I want you to have those noticings and have those awarenesses coupled with so much self-compassion." (07:50)

The Impact of Chronic Incongruence (17:45–21:54)

• Trust and Self-Trust:

  • Children, by necessity, rely on their caregivers’ signals to assess safety.
  • Chronic incongruence undermines kids' trust in their own intuition and bodily cues.
  • "Kids start to doubt their spidey sense...and this ultimately means kids start to distrust themselves...it can really impact their sense of self." (20:18)

• Long-Term Risks:

  • Overriding their intuition can make children more vulnerable to unsafe situations when their body is signaling danger but their mind ignores it due to repeated past invalidation.
  • “Kids who are frequently confronted with this situation...can cut themselves off from those cues...it can contribute to kids finding themselves in some pretty dangerous situations because their neuroception, they determined, wasn’t reliable.” (20:35)

Matching Energy vs. Matching Dysregulation (24:30–27:00)

• Recognize and Practice:

  • The aim isn't perfection, but to notice and improve ("just 1% better").
  • Matching your child’s energy, but not their dysregulation, helps convey authenticity and safety.
  • "It can just be something we try to do 1% better every day. I have an entire podcast episode about just 1% better. That’s all we need to aim for." (24:26)

• Feeling vs. Being Dysregulated:

  • Learning to feel and name so-called negative emotions (anger, sadness) without becoming dysregulated is a key skill for parents.
  • “Can I have a feeling like mad without being dysregulated?” (25:47)
  • “Matching the energy, being with our own anger without being dysregulated. It’s hard. This is a big skill to be continuously practicing.” (26:54)

Practical Examples and Scripts for Honest Communication (27:10–31:00)

• Age-Appropriate Honesty:

  • Model congruence by honestly (but appropriately) naming your feelings with your child.
  • Example: “Yeah, buddy, I am actually having a pretty hard day. I’m taking care of myself, so you don’t have to worry about taking care of me...You did sense that correctly.” (28:55)
  • Example: “I am so mad right now. Yeah, you were right. I am really mad right now. I need to take some time, make sure my owl brain is around before we talk about this anymore.” (29:44)

• Boundaries:

  • You don’t have to share all the details, just acknowledge the feeling honestly.
  • Offer reassurance: It’s your job to take care of your own feelings, not your child’s.

Practicing Congruence in Adult Relationships (32:25–34:25)

• Adults Benefit Too:
  • Robyn shares how she and her husband work to be honest when they are upset or annoyed, acknowledging the feeling without oversharing or making the other feel responsible.
  • “It is much better for us to be honest and say something like, you know what? I am irritated right now, or I am actually annoyed with you, but it's actually not your problem. It's something that's my job to take care of.” (33:23)

Building the Skill Over Time (35:06–36:55)

• Imperfection is OK:

  • “These skills grow over time and they grow with practice, yes, but they grow as our own regulation, connection to ourselves and felt safety grows...There are times where 'fake it till you make it' makes sense. But if it's not needed for physical safety, let's practice matching...in being honest about things being not okay.” (35:07, 36:13)

• Congruence Brings Safety:

  • “Congruence isn't about getting to the point where you feel good or happy all the time. Congruence is about being honest about what's happening. This is how we bring in cues of safety to a situation where there are inevitably cues of danger.” (36:34)

Helping Kids Trust Their Intuition (36:55–End)

• Ultimate Goal:

  • Help kids trust their “spidey sense”—their ability to pick up on internal and external cues—to keep themselves safe and confident.
  • “It is so important that kids trust their gut, trust their intuition, trust their spidey sense of ‘something’s not right here’...that is one of the most important ways we help kids stay safe in the world.” (37:10)

• Modeling and Practice:

  • As often as possible, be honest with your internal state to help children find reliability between their perceptions and reality.
  • With self-compassion and practice, everyone can improve—just aim for 1% better.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Incongruence:

  “Incongruence is felt by the nervous system as a cue of danger.”
  — Robyn Gobbel, (09:33)

• On Neuroception:

  “There’s this spidey sense that is constantly scanning…what's happening inside our own bodies, and what's happening with the person I'm in relationship with…scanning for cues of safety or danger and making a micro moment by micro moment decision about whether we are safe or not safe.”
  — Robyn Gobbel, (04:23)

• On Not Faking Calm:

  "Trying to fake calm when we're really annoyed or frustrated or sad or overwhelmed..."
  — Robyn Gobbel, (09:49)

• On Practicing Honesty:

  "The goal is congruence between what's happening on the inside and what you say on the outside without necessarily giving all the details...You don’t have to get into all the details."
  — Robyn Gobbel, (30:10)

• On Self-Compassion:

  "If you’re having this realization, like, 'oh, I think I do that more than I even noticed'...just want you to take a breath and offer yourself some self-compassion."
  — Robyn Gobbel, (21:27)

• On Growth:

  "These skills increase with practice. You're not going to listen to this podcast and then do it perfectly."
  — Robyn Gobbel, (35:07)

Important Timestamps

• 02:15 - Explanation of episode’s core topic: insides and outsides not matching
• 03:55 - Introduction to neuroception and its importance in safety/danger perception
• 09:33 - Why incongruence is alarming for the nervous system
• 11:12 - Robyn’s therapist story: naming emotions to clients
• 17:45 - Impact of chronic incongruence on trust and self-trust
• 24:26 - “1% better” principle; matching energy vs. matching dysregulation
• 27:10 - Sample scripts for honest, age-appropriate communication
• 32:25 - Honest emotional exchange in adult relationships
• 35:06 - Emphasis on practice, not perfection
• 36:34 - Congruence as the source of real cues of safety
• 37:10 - Fostering children's intuition and self-trust

Takeaways for Listeners

• Children sense emotional truth beneath the surface—mismatches between what you say and feel can disrupt their sense of safety.
• Chronic incongruence can erode a child’s trust in themselves; over time, this impacts resilience, confidence, and even physical safety.
• Aim for honesty and congruence, not perfection—start by acknowledging feelings honestly, using simple, age-appropriate language.
• These skills—self-awareness, emotional honesty, and self-compassion—grow with steady, compassionate practice.
• Modeling congruence supports not just your child, but also healthier adult relationships and communities.