Episode Summary: REPLAY: Felt Safety (Between) - Part 3

Podcast: The Baffling Behavior Show
Host: Robyn Gobbel
Release Date: December 19, 2024
Episode Title: REPLAY: Felt Safety (Between) - Part 3

Introduction to the Series

In this third installment of a three-part series on felt safety, Robyn Gobbel delves deeper into the complexities of creating a sense of safety for children who have experienced trauma or possess vulnerable nervous systems. Building on the foundations laid in the first two episodes, this replay emphasizes the significance of relational felt safety and offers insights into how parents and professionals can foster a supportive environment.

Recap of Previous Episodes

Prior to this episode, Gobbel explored:

• Internal Cues of Safety: How basic needs like hunger, fatigue, and physical well-being impact a child’s sense of safety.
  "We really explored our inner world a lot. That actually was a little bit longer episode. That's the part of felt safety that I notice is the easiest to overlook." [05:30]

• Environmental Cues of Safety: The role of structure, routine, and predictability in maintaining a safe environment.
  "When the information coming in is like too much, too hard, too fast for our unique thresholds or the opposite, it's not enough for our own unique thresholds that can tip our nervous system into protection mode as well." [15:45]

Felt Safety from the Relational Space

In this episode, Gobbel shifts focus to relational felt safety, addressing common misconceptions and providing a nuanced understanding of how relationships influence a child’s sense of safety.

• Misconceptions About Relational Safety:
  "There can be this implication that if your child or you or someone you're in relationship with isn't feeling safe, that somehow, yeah, there's this implication that that must mean there's something wrong relationally. That's not true at all." [25:10]

• Neuroception in Relationships:
  Gobbel explains that both parents and children constantly assess the safety of their relationships through neuroception—the subconscious process of detecting safety or danger.
  "Constantly asking questions like, are you there? Are you really there? Not just physically, but energetically and emotionally." [32:00]

• Attachment and Connection:
  Drawing on attachment theory, Gobbel highlights the importance of feeling seen and soothed in fostering a secure attachment.
  "Attachment's implicit memory... attachment is the experience of being safe, seen, soothed, leading to the feelings of being secure." [40:25]

Challenges in Maintaining Relational Safety

Gobbel acknowledges the difficulties parents face in maintaining a sense of safety, especially when dealing with children in chronic protection mode.

• Contagious Nervous Systems:
  "Nervous systems actually are contagious, right? Our neuroception is neuroceiving the state of other people's nervous systems." [55:15]

• Parental Burnout:
  Maintaining a constant state of connection despite feeling drained can lead to exhaustion.
  "You are feeling constantly exhausted from having to pull yourself back into connection mode. Even when you're with somebody in protection mode, you are having to work so hard to stay so anchored in your own owl brain." [1:10:50]

Strategies for Enhancing Relational Safety

Gobbel offers practical strategies to help parents and professionals cultivate a sense of safety within relationships.

• Four-Step Process for Self-Regulation:
  Found in her book Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors, Gobbel outlines a process to help parents stay connected:

  1. Notice Your Experience
  2. Acknowledge It
  3. Practice Self-Compassion
  4. Ground and Soothe Yourself
     "The four step process is: notice your experience, acknowledge that it's happening, self compassion and then somehow grounding and soothing yourself." [1:23:40]

• Creating Cues of Safety:
  Implementing personal cues like sour candy, bubble gum, or chapstick can help parents anchor themselves in moments of stress.
  "Little baskets around the house that have her kind of cues of safety in them." [1:30:20]

• Internalizing Safety Through Relationships:
  Engaging in consistent, safe relationships helps parents and children internalize safety, fostering long-term resilience.
  "These relational experiences, we get cues of safety from them relationally, from that bucket. But then they change our brains and we internalize us. And those become cues of safety internally as well." [1:45:10]

Support for Professionals and Parents

Gobbel emphasizes the importance of community and professional support in managing behaviors and fostering safety.

• Joining Supportive Communities:
  "The club is an online community of connection, co regulation and yes, even a little education." [2:00:00]

• Access to Resources:
  Parents and professionals can access a wealth of resources, including webinars, ebooks, and infographics, to aid in their journey.
  "Check out all my free resources. There's webinars, downloadable ebooks, and a huge amount of infographic cheat sheets on so many different topics." [1:50:35]

• Professional Training:
  For educators and therapists, Gobbel offers specialized training to better support families dealing with big baffling behaviors.
  "If you're a professional like a therapist or a coach, a teacher, an educator... you could grow your capacity so that you can hang in the hardest places with families of kids with vulnerable nervous systems." [2:15:45]

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Gobbel wraps up the series by encouraging continued exploration and application of the concepts discussed.

• Applying Neurobiology as a Tool:
  Understanding the science behind behaviors empowers parents to reframe their perspectives and develop effective strategies.
  "Understanding the neurobiology and the neuroscience of behavior invites our own owl brains to stick around a little bit longer." [2:20:30]

• Emphasizing Compassion Over Perfection:
  "We aren't aiming for perfection. Perfection actually wouldn't even be good if it was... we're looking, if possible, to maybe increase the amount of time that you're in connection mode." [2:25:50]

• Gratitude and Encouragement:
  Gobbel expresses her gratitude towards listeners and encourages them to continue their journey with compassion and resilience.
  "I'm so grateful to support you and be with you on this journey till next week." [2:30:00]

Key Takeaways

1. Felt Safety is Multi-Dimensional: It encompasses internal, environmental, and relational factors.
2. Neuroception Plays a Critical Role: Both children and parents constantly assess safety through neuroception.
3. Relational Safety Requires Consistency and Compassion: Building and maintaining safe relationships is essential but challenging.
4. Practical Strategies are Essential: Implementing self-regulation techniques and creating personal cues of safety can aid in managing stress and fostering connection.
5. Community and Professional Support are Vital: Engaging with supportive communities and accessing professional resources can significantly enhance the ability to support children with vulnerable nervous systems.

Additional Resources

• Book: Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors (Available in paperback, ebook, and audiobook)
• Website: robingobel.com – Access free resources, webinars, and infographics.
• Podcast Episodes: Explore related episodes such as Connection or Protection? (Episode 7) and The Difference Between Influence and Control (Episode 101).
• Club Membership: Join for exclusive access to a supportive community, additional resources, and professional training opportunities.

Robyn Gobbel's The Baffling Behavior Show offers invaluable insights and practical tools for parents and professionals navigating the challenges of raising children with trauma and nervous system vulnerabilities. This episode underscores the importance of fostering relational safety and provides actionable strategies to enhance both personal and relational well-being.