The Baffling Behavior Show {Parenting after Trauma}
Host: Robyn Gobbel
Episode: {REPLAY} Is Understanding Behavior Just Excusing It?
Date: September 16, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Robyn Gobbel revisits a core question posed by many parents and professionals working with children who have experienced trauma or have vulnerable nervous systems: “Is understanding behavior just excusing it?” Robyn explores why understanding the ‘why’ behind behaviors is essential—disentangling the ideas of “excusing” versus “compassionately supporting change”—and offers a neuroscience-backed framework for addressing challenging behaviors without falling into permissive or punitive patterns. This episode is particularly valuable for anyone struggling with the tension between setting boundaries and holding compassion, both within families and professional contexts.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Understanding Behavior vs. Excusing Behavior

• Parents and professionals often worry that by understanding or explaining a child’s challenging behavior, they risk excusing it or letting unacceptable actions continue unchecked.
• Robyn asserts that understanding neuroscience and relational principles does not mean permissiveness, nor does it excuse harmful behavior.
  • “By understanding the neuroscience of behavior, we are not excusing it. We are not quote, unquote, giving free passes.” (01:55)

2. Emotional Motivation for Understanding Behavior

• Robyn acknowledges her own compulsion to understand behavior, and how doing so helps her—and others—regulate feelings of confusion, resentment, contempt, shame, and blame.
  • “One of the ways that I regulate through all of the confusion and all of the bad, yucky feelings is to try to figure out the why.” (03:42)
• Curiosity about the ‘why’ of behavior provides a path out of difficult emotions toward curiosity and compassion.

3. The Two Goals of Understanding Behavior

• 1. Solving the Real Problem:
  • By understanding what’s driving a behavior, we’re better positioned to support real change and target support strategies effectively.
  • “I am interested in what are the things that I can do to help people experience more regulation, connection, and felt safety in the world.” (05:19)
• 2. Moving into Compassion:
  • Understanding promotes compassion and keeps us in a part of our nervous system (“connection mode”) that is open to change.
  • “The more I can stay in that open, available, connection part of my nervous system... one of the ways I can do that is by staying really open to what's driving this behavior.” (06:39)

4. Challenging Cultural Beliefs About Control and Punishment

• Many institutions teach that people have total control over their behavior; bad behavior signals a bad person, justifying punishment.
• Newer neuroscience and behavioral science challenge this view, showing that connection—not control or punishment—is the biological imperative.
  • “If connections are default, then it makes a lot of sense to consider that actually behaving in ways that hurt other people... does happen... But I don’t think that’s our default.” (12:35)

5. Protection Mode vs. Connection Mode

• The idea that seeking explanations is excusing behavior comes from a “protection mode” of the nervous system, which is rigid, fearful, and black-and-white.
• True openness to understanding requires a felt sense of safety and the capacity for connection.
  • “The idea that explanations are just excuses for behavior, this emerges from somebody's nervous system that is stuck in protection mode.” (14:09)

6. Power, Boundaries, and True Safety

• Punishment perpetuates “power over/power under” dynamics, does not lead to felt safety, and can reinforce protection mode and disconnection.
• Real safety comes through connection; boundaries set from a place of compassion are more effective than those driven by power and control.
  • “Punishment keeps our relationships in a power over, power under dynamic... safety through connection is what humans are longing for.” (19:31)

7. The Limits of Treating Only What We See

• Treating only observable symptoms (behaviors) often leads to little real change.
• Personal example: Robyn discusses her husband’s decades-long struggle with Lyme disease, where only seeking out root causes beyond surface symptoms led to meaningful change.
  • “For years, we treated the symptoms that we could see... only started to see any real shift or change and troubling symptoms when we were able to get really curious about what’s actually driving these behaviors.” (22:52)

8. Case Example: Stealing

• Robyn illustrates the importance of understanding the variable causes behind a single behavior (like stealing), which could be driven by impulsivity, power dynamics, poor boundaries, lack of trust, or trauma.
  • “Stealing can be really about lots of impulsivity... can be about power dynamics in a relationship... can be about having very, very, very poor sense of self.” (29:40)
• The effective response—and the setting of appropriate boundaries—depends on accurately understanding these drivers.

9. Compassionate Boundaries

• Compassion enables stronger, more effective boundaries than punitive responses.
  • “Compassionate boundaries are much stronger and much more powerful than punishment and power over attempts to manipulate somebody else's behavior.” (34:15)
• Robyn teases a full series on boundaries, especially in relationships that cannot simply be ended (such as with one’s own children).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On understanding vs. excusing:
  • “We are not excusing bad behavior. And I hope the episode will help you feel confident in talking to others about the same idea.” (02:46)
• On curiosity about behavior:
  • “I regulate through those hard feelings and move and shift them by getting underneath and understanding what's driving the behavior and trying to figure out the why.” (03:47)
• On connection as biological imperative:
  • “Dr. Porges writes that we are all always seeking the most nourishing connections that we can imagine... we need connection to survive, literally. Like our brains organize and develop inside connection.” (15:56)
• On nervous system states:
  • “A nervous system in connection mode is by default open and curious and compassionate. Whereas a nervous system stuck in protection mode is going to move towards a more rigid belief that understanding behavior is just excusing behavior.” (14:28)
• On solving the root cause:
  • “We're not ever going to solve the right problem if we aren't using the right treatment.” (29:15)
• On boundaries:
  • “Compassionate boundaries allow connected relationships to flourish and safety. So understanding behavior leads to compassion, which leads to the ability to have compassionate boundaries.” (35:15)

Important Segment Timestamps

• Main theme introduction: 00:20 – 02:40
• Why understanding isn’t excusing: 01:51 – 03:07
• The goals of understanding behavior: 04:50 – 07:21
• Challenging the “total control” belief: 10:00 – 13:40
• Protection mode vs. connection mode: 14:09 – 16:12
• Case study - Husband’s illness as example: 22:52 – 26:59
• Example of Stealing - Multiple causes: 29:20 – 33:20
• Compassionate boundaries and upcoming series: 34:15 – 37:50
• Summary of main points: 37:50 – 39:10

Episode Summary

Robyn Gobbel uses both science and personal insights to challenge the myth that understanding behavior means excusing it, especially in the context of parenting children with trauma or nervous system differences. She demonstrates how getting curious about the root causes of behavior and supporting felt safety leads to genuine change—while also allowing for strong, compassionate boundaries. This episode sets the groundwork for a deeper look at boundaries in upcoming episodes, emphasizing that compassion and boundaries are not mutually exclusive, but rather mutually reinforcing.

Further Exploration

Stay tuned for the next month’s series on boundaries, and explore Robyn’s resources if you want support applying these concepts in your family or professional practice.

Listener Takeaways:

• Understanding behavior is not about making excuses; it is about offering compassion, meeting needs, and inviting genuine change.
• Boundaries can be both compassionate and effective—true safety and connection are never created through power or punishment.
• When baffling behaviors occur, curiosity (“Why is this happening?”) is a more powerful tool for change than blame or shame.
• Connection mode in our nervous systems is essential for healing, change, and true boundary-setting.

For more:

• Visit robingobel.com
• Check out Robyn's book Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors
• Join The Club for peer support and education
• Professionals: Consider the Professional Immersion Program (details on the website)