Podcast Summary: The Baffling Behavior Show – REPLAY: Living with Someone Chronically Dysregulated

Episode Details

• Title: REPLAY: Living with Someone Chronically Dysregulated
• Host: Robyn Gobbel
• Release Date: January 9, 2025

Introduction to Chronic Dysregulation

In this poignant episode, Robyn Gobbel delves into the complexities of living with someone who is chronically dysregulated. Recognizing that many listeners either identify as parents of children with vulnerable nervous systems or as professionals supporting such families, Robyn sets the stage for an empathetic and insightful exploration of chronic dysregulation within the family dynamic.

"Living with someone who is chronically dysregulated is second in awfulness only to actually being chronically dysregulated." — Robyn Gobbel [05:45]

Understanding Chronic Dysregulation

Robyn begins by differentiating between appearing chronically dysregulated and actually being so. This distinction is crucial for understanding the nuances of family interactions and the pervasive impact on all members involved.

"It can be helpful to notice the difference between 'seems like they're chronically dysregulated' and 'actually is chronically dysregulated.'” — Robyn Gobbel [06:30]

The Impact on Caregivers and Family Members

The episode emphasizes the profound effect chronic dysregulation has on caregivers, often leading to feelings of overwhelm and burnout. Robyn discusses how constant exposure to a dysregulated environment forces caregivers into a perpetual state of protection mode, draining their emotional and mental resources.

"The constant scanning for safety and the constant being surrounded by dysregulation, it's exhausting." — Robyn Gobbel [10:15]

Neuroception and the Nervous System

Robyn introduces the concept of neuroception—the subconscious detection of safety or danger in our environment—and explains how living with someone who is chronically dysregulated can impair one's own nervous system.

"If we spend a lot of time with someone who is chronically dysregulated, it makes a lot of sense that we're going to eventually feel like we're in chronic protection mode ourselves." — Robyn Gobbel [12:50]

She elaborates on how this heightened state of alertness can lead to a feedback loop of increasing anxiety and a diminished capacity for self-regulation.

"Our nervous system starts to have more and more experiences of lack of safety, we are starting to tune into that more and we're neuroceiving that." — Robyn Gobbel [20:10]

The Rhythm of Relationships: Serve and Return

A significant portion of the discussion focuses on the "serve and return" dynamic in relationships, inspired by Dr. Bruce Perry's work. Robyn explains how healthy relationships thrive on this reciprocal interaction, which is often disrupted in households with chronic dysregulation.

"Imagine an actual game of catch... That is the kind of hoped for energetic relational rhythm." — Robyn Gobbel [23:00]

When the serve and return are imbalanced—either too forceful or nonexistent—the relational energy becomes strained and unfulfilling, exacerbating feelings of loneliness and disconnection.

Strategies for Healing and Hope

Robyn offers hope by highlighting therapeutic approaches that focus on rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and somatosensory experiences to restore the serve and return rhythm. She references the work of Marty Smith and her book, Sensory Healing After Developmental Trauma, as valuable resources for both parents and professionals.

"Rhythmic, repetitive, relational, somatosensory experiences... can help create rhythmic, repetitive, relational, serve and return, and relational energetic experiences." — Robyn Gobbel [28:30]

Additionally, Robyn underscores the importance of community and support systems, encouraging listeners to seek out connections that provide emotional safety and co-regulation.

"There are other places in your life as well to experience portions of a relationship that do feel safe, that do feel connected." — Robyn Gobbel [35:20]

Grieving and Maintaining Hope

Acknowledging the deep grief that accompanies the loss of a once-connected relationship, Robyn stresses the dual presence of grief and hope. She reassures listeners that while mourning what has been lost, there remains a steadfast belief in the possibility of healing and reconnection.

"Next to that hope, side by side with that hope, is the grief, is the acknowledgment that these experiences are traumatic for us." — Robyn Gobbel [40:45]

Robyn concludes by reaffirming her commitment to supporting her community through the podcast, her book, and her online club, fostering a sense of belonging and shared resilience.

Conclusion

This episode of The Baffling Behavior Show offers a compassionate and comprehensive exploration of living with someone who is chronically dysregulated. Robyn Gobbel adeptly balances empathy with practical insights, providing listeners with both understanding and actionable strategies to navigate the emotional landscape of their relationships. Through her discussion, she emphasizes the importance of recognizing neuroception, restoring relational rhythms, and maintaining hope amidst challenges.

Notable Quotes:

• "If we find ourselves in protection mode often enough, we're going to kind of start just defaulting protection mode." — Robyn Gobbel [15:05]

• "There is so much hope, or I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be behind the microphone." — Robyn Gobbel [34:10]

• "When we're in relationship with somebody who's in chronic protection mode... it feels like the relationship energy is being thrown too hard and you can't catch it." — Robyn Gobbel [25:30]

Resources Mentioned:

• Book: Sensory Healing After Developmental Trauma by Marty Smith
• Podcast Episode: When Parenting Is Traumatic
• Podcast Episode: All About the Grief in Parenting
• Podcast Series: Strengthening the Foundation of the Brain (Episode 46.7)

Note: For access to these resources, listeners are encouraged to visit Robyn Gobbel’s website and explore her extensive library of free materials.