The Baffling Behavior Show: Replay Episode Summary
Episode Title: REPLAY: When Connection isn't Safe (Oppositional Series - Part 3)
Host: Robyn Gobbel
Release Date: October 29, 2024
Introduction to the Series Replay
Robyn Gobbel reintroduces her listeners to the crucial four-part series on oppositional and defiant behavior, originally aired in October 2023. This replay focuses on understanding and addressing oppositional behaviors in children who perceive connection as unsafe—a common challenge among families dealing with trauma, toxic stress, or neuroimmune disorders.
Understanding Connection and Regulation
Timestamp [10:45] – Robyn Gobbel:
"Connection supports regulation. Developing babies learn that connection feels good and safe inside the attachment cycle."
Robyn delves into the neurobiology of oppositional behavior, explaining how connection typically facilitates emotional regulation. However, for some children, especially those who have experienced trauma or medical hardships, connection can become associated with danger or discomfort. This association disrupts their ability to find safety and regulation through interpersonal connections.
Challenges for Highly Sensitive Children
Timestamp [15:30] – Robyn Gobbel:
"Some kids are born into the world with such sensitivities in their nervous system that it's hard for their grownups to soothe them."
Robyn highlights the plight of children with highly sensitive nervous systems, who may not experience connection as soothing due to early adverse experiences. These children often engage in oppositional and defiant behaviors as a defense mechanism, making traditional soothing techniques ineffective and contributing to caregiver burnout.
Caregiver Regulation Strategies
Timestamp [25:10] – Robyn Gobbel:
"It's the grownup's job to meet the grownups needs, okay? Giving our kids the responsibility of meeting our needs for connection is just way too big of a burden for them."
Robyn emphasizes that caregivers must regulate their own emotional states to provide a stable foundation for their children. She introduces strategies such as:
- Noticing and Acknowledging Personal Suffering: Recognizing the emotional toll of unmet connection needs.
- Increasing External Support: Utilizing resources like the podcast, community forums, and professional support to bolster personal regulation.
- Titrating Connection Offers: Adjusting the intensity and frequency of connection attempts to avoid overwhelming the child.
Metaphor: The Game of Catch
Timestamp [30:45] – Robyn Gobbel:
"When I offer up some connection to someone, I want to gently toss the ball in their direction... What if they don't make an attempt to catch it? They just stand there frozen?"
Robyn uses the game of catch metaphor to illustrate the dynamics of connection. She explains that when a child doesn't reciprocate connection attempts appropriately—either by ignoring, rejecting, or overwhelming the caregiver—it can lead to feelings of frustration and grief. Understanding this metaphor helps caregivers navigate the emotional landscape of offering connection without triggering defensive responses.
Building Internal Safety Through External Connections
Timestamp [35:20] – Robyn Gobbel:
"The connection and co-regulation that's offered here through this podcast or through my emails... is changing your nervous system."
Robyn discusses the importance of internalizing safety cues from various sources, such as podcasts, books, and community support. By consistently receiving positive safety signals, caregivers can enhance their own sense of safety, which in turn enables them to better regulate their interactions with their children.
Key Takeaways and Next Steps
- Acknowledge the Challenge: Recognize the difficulty of maintaining connection with a child who perceives it as unsafe.
- Self-Regulation is Crucial: Caregivers must prioritize their own emotional well-being to support their children effectively.
- Utilize Available Resources: Engage with Robyn's extensive resources, including her book, online community, and upcoming training programs.
- Prepare for the Final Part: The series will conclude with strategies to strategically titrate connection, facilitating a safer and more regulated relationship dynamic.
Notable Quotes
- Robyn Gobbel [10:45]: "Connection supports regulation."
- Robyn Gobbel [25:10]: "It's the grownup's job to meet the grownups needs, okay?"
- Robyn Gobbel [30:45]: "When I offer up some connection to someone, I want to gently toss the ball in their direction."
Additional Resources
- Free Audio Training: Making Sense of Baffling Behaviors – Available for a limited time robingobel.com/bafflingbehaviors
- Book: Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors – Available in paperback, ebook, and audiobook formats.
- Online Community: The Club – Access support from over 500 members robingobel.com/theclub
- Upcoming Training for Professionals: Being With – Enrollment begins in late spring/summer for the 2026 cohort robingobel.com/beingwith
Conclusion
In this insightful episode, Robyn Gobbel provides invaluable strategies for parents and professionals dealing with oppositional behaviors in children who struggle to see connection as safe. By focusing on self-regulation, leveraging external support, and thoughtfully adjusting connection approaches, caregivers can foster a more harmonious and regulated family environment. Stay tuned for the final part of the series, where Robyn will delve deeper into titrating connection to enhance safety and reduce oppositional behaviors.
Connect with Robyn Gobbel:
For more information and resources, visit robingobel.com. Follow her on social media and join her community to continue supporting your journey in parenting after trauma.