Podcast Summary: The Baffling Behavior Show – Episode Replay: "You Aren't Doing it Wrong"

Host: Robyn Gobbel
Release Date: December 31, 2024
Podcast Title: The Baffling Behavior Show {Parenting after Trauma}

Introduction

In this heartfelt episode of The Baffling Behavior Show, host Robyn Gobbel revisits a powerful message aimed at parents navigating the challenges of raising children with vulnerable nervous systems. Titled "You Aren't Doing it Wrong," this replay serves as a comforting reminder for parents who often grapple with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.

Common Parental Struggle: "What Am I Doing Wrong?"

Robyn begins by addressing a prevalent question among parents: “What am I doing wrong?” She acknowledges how frequently this question arises, both among her community members and within her personal life.

Robyn Gobbel [06:30]: “I've probably been asked this question like, what am I doing wrong? Approximately 5 trillion bajillion, 967,999 times.”

This rhetorical exaggeration emphasizes the ubiquity of the struggle, highlighting that parents often internalize blame for their children's challenging behaviors.

Personal Reflection and the Watchdog Brain

Robyn delves into her own experiences with self-criticism, revealing that even as an expert, she isn't immune to questioning her parenting and personal decisions.

Robyn Gobbel [10:15]: “I'm getting quicker at reminding myself that that is a question from my watchdog brain. That is a question that comes from a nervous system in protection mode.”

She introduces the concept of the "Watchdog Brain," which operates on a binary understanding of right and wrong, leading to increased stress and self-judgment when faced with difficulties.

Introducing the Owl Brain: Embracing Uncertainty and Connection

Contrasting the Watchdog Brain, Robyn presents the "Owl Brain," a state of being that embraces uncertainty and fosters connection and safety.

Robyn Gobbel [17:50]: “The owl brain feels okay with uncertainty. The watchdog brain believes that there is a right and a wrong, it's one or the other.”

The Owl Brain's acceptance of ambiguity allows for a more compassionate and flexible approach to parenting, moving away from the need for absolute control over a child's behavior.

Understanding Complex Systems and Moving Toward Coherence

Robyn explains that humans are complex systems constantly striving for coherence and organization. This natural progression helps parents understand that their children's "baffling behaviors" are part of a broader process towards emotional regulation and integration.

Robyn Gobbel [25:40]: “Complex systems are always moving toward coherence. Complex systems are always wanting to move towards organization.”

She reassures parents that these behaviors, while challenging, are signals of underlying attempts to achieve emotional balance and safety.

Shifting Mindset: From "What Am I Doing Wrong?" to "What Can I Do Differently?"

A pivotal shift Robyn advocates for is transforming the internal dialogue from self-blame to proactive curiosity. Instead of asking, "What am I doing wrong?" parents are encouraged to ponder, "What can I do differently to offer more co-regulation, connection, and felt safety?"

Robyn Gobbel [37:25]: “Can I do anything to invite my owl brain back so that I can continue to offer without any expectations of how it's received?”

This change fosters a more supportive and less judgmental environment, enabling better emotional connections between parents and children.

Emphasizing Co-Regulation and Felt Safety

Robyn underscores the importance of co-regulation—where parents help their children manage their emotions—and creating a sense of felt safety. This approach does not guarantee immediate behavioral change but sets the foundation for long-term emotional regulation and resilience.

Robyn Gobbel [42:10]: “Our regulation, our regulations will start to live inside of them. Then that's when their dysregulation might start to decrease.”

By consistently offering regulation and safety, parents contribute to altering their children's neurobiology, promoting healthier emotional responses over time.

No Shame, No Blame: Cultivating a Compassionate Parenting Environment

Throughout the episode, Robyn maintains a tone of unconditional support, emphasizing a "no shame, no blame" philosophy. She encourages parents to recognize their efforts without harsh self-criticism, fostering a more nurturing and effective parenting style.

Robyn Gobbel [50:05]: “When I'm in protection mode and asking the question, what am I doing wrong? Then chances are there probably is something I could be doing differently.”

This compassionate approach helps parents remain open to growth and change without being paralyzed by guilt or shame.

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Robyn wraps up the episode by reiterating that while parents are not solely responsible for their children's behaviors, their actions and emotional availability play a significant role in their children's emotional development. She invites listeners to embrace a mindset of curiosity and connection, promising that this shift can lead to meaningful and lasting change.

Robyn Gobbel [58:30]: “Keep pressing Play on the Podcast.”

Robyn encourages ongoing engagement with the podcast and her community, offering various resources for continued support and education.

Notable Quotes:

• Robyn Gobbel [10:15]: “That is a question that comes from a nervous system in protection mode.”

• Robyn Gobbel [17:50]: “The owl brain feels okay with uncertainty.”

• Robyn Gobbel [25:40]: “Complex systems are always moving toward coherence.”

• Robyn Gobbel [37:25]: “Can I do anything to invite my owl brain back so that I can continue to offer without any expectations of how it's received?”

• Robyn Gobbel [42:10]: “Our regulation, our regulations will start to live inside of them.”

• Robyn Gobbel [50:05]: “When I'm in protection mode and asking the question, what am I doing wrong? Then chances are there probably is something I could be doing differently.”

• Robyn Gobbel [58:30]: “Keep pressing Play on the Podcast.”

Key Takeaways:

1. Self-Compassion: Parents should alleviate self-blame and recognize that they are not solely at fault for their children's challenging behaviors.

2. Understanding Brain States: Differentiating between the Watchdog Brain (protective, judgmental) and the Owl Brain (connected, accepting) is crucial for emotional regulation.

3. Shift in Mindset: Moving from "What am I doing wrong?" to "What can I do differently?" fosters a proactive and positive parenting approach.

4. Co-Regulation and Safety: Consistently offering emotional regulation and creating a safe environment supports children's long-term emotional health.

5. No Shame, No Blame: Maintaining a compassionate and non-judgmental stance encourages growth and resilience in both parents and children.

This episode serves as a valuable resource for parents feeling overwhelmed by their children's behaviors, offering reassurance and actionable insights to cultivate a more harmonious and supportive family dynamic.