Podcast Summary: The Balance Theory

Episode: How to Change Your Personality to Make Yourself More Confident

Host: Erica De Pellegrin
Guest: Dr. Shadé Zahrai
Release Date: February 8, 2026

Overview

This episode explores the empowering idea that you can change your personality to become more confident and fulfilled. Dr. Shadé Zahrai—a behavioral researcher, peak performance educator, and authority on confidence—joins Erica to unpack the science of self-doubt, doubt profiles, and practical strategies for rewiring self-perception. The conversation is a blend of personal journey, research insights, and highly actionable tools to help listeners overcome imposter syndrome and foster self-trust.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Can You Change Your Personality?

• Main Theme: Contrary to conventional wisdom, personality is not fixed; it can be intentionally reshaped through targeted personal development.
• Quote:

  “For a very long time, people thought, you cannot change who you are. But there's a big but here, a big if. It all depends on whether you choose to change some aspect of your personality.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai (00:09)

2. The Role of Self-Doubt & Imposter Syndrome

• Self-doubt is often misinterpreted as a sign to stop rather than an opportunity for growth.
• Distinction between misalignment (you’re in the wrong place) and growth discomfort (you’re stretching in the right direction).
• Exercise: Ask yourself, "If I didn’t have these feelings, would I still want to do this?"
• Quote:

  “If you're doing something... would you still want to do it if you didn’t have the feelings that you currently have? … That’s how you know it’s misalignment of values as opposed to, yeah, actually I probably still would want to do it. In which case what you’re experiencing, that self-doubt... is just a sign that you're growing and stretching.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai (12:25)

3. Overcoming Self-Doubt: Practical Tools

• Cognitive Defusion:
  • Change “I’m a failure” to “I’m noticing a thought that I’m a failure.”
  • Creates distance and zooms out perspective.
• Language:
  • The way we label ourselves greatly impacts self-image and behavior.
  • Switch labels to positive, e.g., from “I’m intense” to “I’m passionate.”
• Posture:
  • A single physical change—lifting your chin to expand the distance between chin and chest—improves confidence instantly.
  • Quote:

    “All we need to do is lengthen this distance right here and we will start to feel more, more powerful.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai (21:48)

• Behavioral Feedback Loop:
  • Smiling (even artificially, e.g., with a pen between your teeth) can boost mood and self-assuredness.
  • Quote:

    “If you grab a pen and you put it between your teeth like this... you start to feel more confident.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai (44:16)

4. The Four Trainable Attributes (“Doubt Profiles”)

• Dr. Zahrai proposes four attributes that shape self-image, all of which are trainable:
  1. Self-Acceptance (building self-esteem)
  2. Agency (belief in your skills and capacity)
  3. Autonomy (focus on what you can control)
  4. Adaptability (handling emotions effectively)
• Each person falls into a “doubt profile” according to where they are strong/weak across these four areas.
• Quote:

  “When these four personality traits combine... it creates what's called our core self-evaluation, which is how we see ourselves.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai (22:59)

The Anxious Overachiever Profile (common among high performers):

• Low self-acceptance, high agency, high autonomy, low to moderate adaptability.
• People pleasing, outcome attachment, undercurrent of anxiety.
• Quote:

  “You outsource your worth to other people and you require them to approve of you in order for you to approve of yourself.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai (30:26)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Changing Labels:

  “Anything that comes after I am becomes a label that we internalize and then we identify with—not helpful.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai (33:25)

• On Comparisons and Counterfactual Thinking:

  “People who placed second and got a silver medal were actually less happy and less satisfied than those who received a bronze medal... Upward counterfactual thinking is what it's called.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai (38:05)

• On Boundaries and Growth:

  "When someone is saying you’ve changed, it’s a reflection of them and not you... Just say, 'Thanks for noticing, growth has been a priority for me.'" — Dr. Shadé Zahrai (54:10)

• On the Power of Wonder:

  “There is a second step to gratitude... allow yourself to feel a sense of wonder towards that thing... This idea of wonder and awe, it has this undoing effect.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai (49:31)

Important Segments with Timestamps

• [00:09] – Can you change who you are? The challenge to fixed personality myth.
• [04:02] – Dr. Zahrai’s unconventional journey: Law, imposter syndrome, and pivoting to coaching.
• [12:25] – Discerning useful vs. detrimental self-doubt; powerful reflective questions.
• [17:34] – Doubt profiles and the science behind self-image.
• [21:48] – The posture trick for immediate confidence.
• [25:48] – Live “doubt profile” assessment of Erica; anxious overachiever archetype.
• [30:26] – Quick win strategies: intention delay, flipping apology to appreciation, and relabeling.
• [35:28] – Agency, automatic negative thoughts (“ANTs”), and combating comparison traps.
• [41:24] – The “victim mindset” and reframing with “what now?” and “could/will” language shifts.
• [44:16] – Smile hack (pen-in-mouth trick).
• [47:59] – The first three minutes of your day set your confidence trajectory.
• [49:31] – The second step for gratitude: experiencing wonder and awe.
• [53:35] – How changing environments and overcoming “you’ve changed” criticism fuels growth.
• [58:01] – Setting boundaries with family or loved ones resistant to your self-improvement.

Actionable Takeaways

For Self-Acceptance

• Intentional Delay: Don’t say “yes” immediately—insert pause before committing.
• Apology to Appreciation: Instead of “sorry I’m late,” say “thank you for your patience.”
• Reject Negative Self-labels: Flip “I’m too much” into “I’m passionate.”

For Agency

• Challenge negative self-assessment by listing what you can do.
• Keep a hype folder—a digital (or physical) collection of praise/highlights.
• Reframe comparison: focus on what’s possible, use upward examples as inspiration.

For Autonomy

• When facing setbacks, change “why me?” to “what now?”
• Write down possible (“could”) actions, select three “will” actions, then do them.

For Adaptability (Emotional Management)

• Hack your body-brain connection: alter posture, smile, use physical cues to shift mindset.
• Practice savouring gratitude with a sense of awe or wonder.

On Habits & Routines

• Protect the first moments of your day: avoid phone/social media/email; instead, practice gratitude and mindful presence.
• Understand that daily habits compound into confidence patterns.

On Boundaries and Growth

• When loved ones discourage your goals, use compassionate assertiveness:
  “I love you, but when you say __, it doesn’t help me. If it continues, I’ll need to see you less.”
• Flip “you’ve changed” to “thanks for noticing—growth is my priority.”

Final Thoughts

• There is no single ideal personality profile—the goal is continual development and recalibration across self-acceptance, agency, autonomy, and adaptability.
• Self-doubt is not the enemy; it’s a guide. Learn from it, don’t be defined by it.
• Growth requires both self-compassion and strategic discomfort—embrace change, boundaries, and supportive environments.
• Take small, immediate steps. Even language tweaks and posture shifts can fundamentally change how you feel and perform.

Further Resources

• Dr. Shadé Zahrai’s book, Big Trust, offers deeper dives and tools (link in show notes).
• Free “Doubt Profile” quiz (link in show notes).
• Follow The Balance Theory Podcast for ongoing practical mindset strategies.

The Episode’s Essence

Change is not only possible—it’s trainable. With the right mindset, habits, and boundaries, you can rewrite your doubts, own your narrative, and become the confident architect of your own life.