← The Balance Theory
The Balance Theory
How To Stay Confident When Nothing Online Is Real Anymore | Danae Mercer
01:00:37
<p>Confidence today feels different.</p><br><p>We’re navigating a world where AI can outperform humans, social media is increasingly curated (and often fake), and comparison is no longer occasional, it’s constant. Even the most grounded, capable people are quietly questioning themselves.</p><br><p>In this episode, we explore how to stay confident when nothing online feels real anymore and how to use social media without losing yourself.</p><br><p>Joining me is journalist, speaker, and mother Danae Mercer, who has worked at the highest levels of media and still found her confidence shaken by the online world. Together, we unpack what’s really happening beneath the surface of confidence in 2026, and what actually helps.</p><br><p>This isn’t about deleting social media or fearing AI. It’s about learning the new confidence skill this era demands.</p><br><p>💭 If You’ve Been Thinking…</p><br><p>“I don’t feel as confident as I used to”</p><p>“Everyone online seems ahead of me”</p><p>“I k...
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Transcript95 lines
- [00:00]
Amazon Pharmacy Announcer
Foreign.
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Podcast Host
I'm so excited.
- [00:08]
Danae Mercer
Should I date multiple people at once or focus on.
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Podcast Host
We're living in a moment where AI can basically do many things humans could once do. As someone just navigating through life, trying to achieve my goals, how we stay confident in a world that just feels so much faster and smarter and more beautiful than us all the time, that.
- [00:27]
Danae Mercer
That is a huge question. Today's guest dive shares the truth on.
- [00:31]
Podcast Host
How online world is an emerging threat to your confidence. Expect tools and tips to learn to show up as yourself in a changing world. Joining us on the podcast today is journalist, speaker and mother, Dene Mercer.
- [00:42]
Danae Mercer
I was showing up on social media in a very curated, perfected way, which isn't me at all. If 80 to 90% of us have cellulite, how come we with never see it on here? So much of what we're seeing isn't real.
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Podcast Host
What do you think are some practical tools on how to actually find self confidence?
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Danae Mercer
One of the things, one of the big things we can do is it was a very hard month, like one of the worst months of my life.
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Podcast Host
What helped you get through that?
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Danae Mercer
I'd been editor in chief, Women's health and police. I've worked for like cnn. I've traveled all around the world. I've done all these things and social media still had the power to really rock my confidence.
- [01:22]
Podcast Host
Will you let your kids have social media now?
- [01:24]
Danae Mercer
Honestly?
- [01:30]
Podcast Host
All right, balancers, welcome to another episode of the Balance Theory. I'm excited to bring you guys today's conversation because it surrounds a topic that every single time we have a guest speak about this, you guys love it. We get so much feedback and that is the topic of confidence. Today's chat is going to be in the realm of how confidence is playing out in the modern day. So we're in 2026 and how things like social media AI us showing up online, how all those things play a role in our confidence and give you some really, really practical tools and tips as to how you can navigate that space, which I think is very much unfolding before us and the path is not necessarily clear. So I'm very excited to have joining me in this conversation, Danae Mercer. Danae, welcome. Hi.
- [02:14]
Danae Mercer
I'm excited to be here.
- [02:15]
Podcast Host
I'm very excited to have you on the show today. Welcome back to Dubai. I know you spend your time half here, half in Italy, which is amazing.
- [02:22]
Danae Mercer
Thank you. Yeah, we flew in at 3am last night.
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Podcast Host
So you look very fresh and you've got like a two babies, one very young, one like myself. So you're looking very, very fresh.
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Danae Mercer
Thank you. It is not, it is not reality. It's just really good under eye concealer.
- [02:34]
Podcast Host
Love it. We all need that in our back pocket.
- [02:36]
Danae Mercer
Exactly.
- [02:37]
Podcast Host
So kind of to kick things off. I think it would be very interesting to hear your thoughts, just to set, set the tone of the conversation. We're living in a moment at the right now where AI can basically do many things humans could runs to. They can, it can design, it can plan in many ways. It can outperform we. Also living in a time where the whole influencer space is very curated. You feel like people are richer and doing things just much faster than you 24 7. And so as someone just navigating through life, trying to achieve my goals, trying to create a life on my own and then having all this imagery around me on the social media realm. How do you. Or what's your advice on how we stay confident in a world that just feels so much faster and smarter and more beautiful than us all the time?
- [03:28]
Danae Mercer
I think it's a really complex question and I think AI. You mentioned AI. AI is going to change what we're seeing online, what we understand online, and definitely how we feel about ourselves. Already we're seeing a huge influx of AI influencers where often men, men will take a created image of a very pretty young woman. That is like the standard, I would say 99%. It's going to be men making pretty young women and they turn them into AI influencers. So a lot of what you're seeing now on your feed, if you're just casually scrolling, especially if you're on platforms like Facebook or TikTok, X, sorry, Twitter or X, it's going to be a lot of these AI influencers. I talk about that because previously we had a lot of influencers who, you know, are often naturally very beautiful young women who then use filters. They know posing, they know angles, they know their lighting, all this stuff that I talk about this a lot on my platform. So they knew how to do all those things. But at the end of the day, they were still real. We were comparing ourselves to these women and we have so much research showing how that was really messing up our mental health. Now we have AI influencers. They aren't real. And without even realizing it, we are going to start comparing ourselves to these women. I went down a rabbit hole the other day where this woman, a very beautiful, very beautiful woman, but very real looking, popped up on my feed and she was saying she was in a podcast, she was being interviewed. And she was saying, you know, the thing I'm the most grateful for in my life is my husband. He is a good provider, and he gave me my children, and I just love him. He's a good man. And that was the clip, right? And it had millions of views, thousands and thousands of likes. And I clicked across this profile and I start thinking, she's so beautiful and so perfect. Is she real? She wasn't real. But it took some digging. It took clicking across to multiple platforms to figure this out. This is going to mess up with our con, going to mess with our confidence and kind of switch how we feel about ourselves. So what do we do about it? That's your question, right? What do we do about it? I think we need to become very cautious about what we're consuming. We are at a stage now where we get to make a choice. We can sit there and doom scroll and sink into this pit of I'm not good enough, my body isn't fit enough, my face isn't pretty enough. We can sink into that, or we can choose to either curate our feeds or put our phones down and surround ourselves with real people and the real things that matter. And we get to make that choice, but we have to make it consciously.
- [06:18]
Podcast Host
Do you think this is tricky, though? I mean, I. I appreciate the practicality of that advice, and there's some really good nuggets in there that people can actually take. However, there's still an element of the algorithm, like, feeding you things, and I know you can sort of curate it based on, like, you press not interested, or you can, you know, suggest what topics you want. But how do we, you know, I mean, I'm just kind of thinking, like, where's the line? If you're interested in personal development content and. And I'll share something I haven't shared on the podcast before. I remember I had a meeting with this guy once, and he's very much into, like, tech, and we were meeting for, like, me supporting him with legal work. But then the podcast came up and he sort of said to me, like, why are you still sitting in person and recording the episodes? Like, you should just create, like, an AI version of yourself and just pump out the content. And I was really taken aback because I was like, that was the first time I realized how many podcasts are going to be coming out in the future that are basically going to be curated using an AI Persona and separate to that. This is what I love doing. The connection in this is more about in person. Like, yes, we get amazing Episodes that get to be shared with the world. But it's very much something that fills my cup. So I'm not interested in going down that path. But I just found it really interesting to be like, okay, you know, we've been speaking about like fitness influencers and people that have a certain personality that are maybe trying to sell you something. That's I guess the whole point of why you would even create a personality. But then it would even spill over into something where you actually would genuinely like to consume it. Like personal development content, let's say, or motivational content. What's like, I'm just trying to, I have a lot of questions. So let me, let me maybe start here. What's the balance, balancing act between even if it is AI, if it's like useful and inspiring me, like that's great, versus I need to be able to determine if this is a real person or not because I want to be clearly only consuming content from real people. Sorry, that was a bit of a ticket.
- [08:19]
Danae Mercer
No, no, no, it's complex. And you mentioned at the start, you mentioned, okay, the algorithm is going to be pumping us certain stuff. That's absolutely true and I want to touch on that for a second because it's really important people understand that. A couple of months ago I did two videos that were exactly the same, exactly the same 15 second videos, except in one I was just out of the shower, I breastfeeding my baby. So I was like kind of milky and wearing sweatpants and I just looked, you know, like a normal human just out of the shower. In the other I did my makeup, I was wearing a sexy outfit. I had a little bit of a filter on same video and my audience. So I have over 2 million women. My audience is 95% women who often follow me because they want the real and the authentic. So keep in mind that's my community. Same video, posted them at the same time. I wanted to see which one social media would push more. It pushed the xxy1 over three times, like 30% more. So it saw three, three times as many women, saw that one, three times as many people, three times as many views. And that for me was really interesting because I thought, I thought the authentic, I was like, well, my community, that's what they want, right? They want the real. That that's not what social media pushed. So we have to be really aware that the algorithm is pushing a certain kind of content and it's, it's going to be pushing that aesthetic and that beautiful and that sexy and that's what it's doing.
- [09:40]
Podcast Host
Can we, can just, can we hold the next thought for one second? Can we just go deeper here? Because it's interesting to ask why. Why is it pushing that? Is it because that's what sells things better? Is it because that's what keeps us feeling like there's this gap and that we need to fill it by either more consumption or like, do you have any insight as to why that it would be pushing that when you would think that people would relate to something that looks like them more?
- [10:07]
Danae Mercer
I think humans have always been interested in beauty, right? We've always been attracted to what's pretty. If you go back through history, there's art, there's sonnets dedicated to praising the beautiful. It's just we were never, we never had it at our fingertips to this extent with this addictive interaction of a platform. So I think the algorithm knows that. It knows that people often, often they're more likely to click on the sexy influencer in the little bikini versus the mom in her sweatpants and no makeup. And these platforms, they don't exist for the benevolent good of all humankind. They are there to sell us stuff. And right now they are getting their currency from our attention and our time. So of course they're going to push what they think will make us linger longer.
- [11:00]
Podcast Host
Yeah, for sure. Okay, so now going back to, you know, if we genuinely want to consume content and are we, is it okay if we're leaning into something that's still giving us good information or if we want to actually only consume from real people, how do we determine?
- [11:17]
Danae Mercer
Well, I, I'm really a bit horrified to hear that people are now using AI avatars for podcasts, although I'm not surprised I believe this. But there's something in me and like the journalist in me that's like, oh, gosh, that is so distressing and dystopian. I was recently in London with a company called Billion Dollar Boy. They're the official marketing partner of Meta and they hosted a panel on AI influencers. And I was there to speak as the one that was like, guys, we should think about this a bit. Like, why are they all super sexy 15 year old looking creatures trying to sell us stuff? Like, what are we doing there? And in this panel there were also several other companies that they exist to build this infrastructure, this financial infrastructure of AI influencers. So there's one company that me as an influencer, I can say, you're the company. I can go to you and sell you my likeness. I can say, okay, you give me 10% of whatever deals you get with Burberry or Chanel or whatever. But I don't ever have to go on these shoots. You use my picture, you use my likeness, you use my face. I don't have to do the work per se, but I'm still making money. Oh, that looks exciting. That looks great. But in reality I'm selling, you know, part of myself. So there's companies that are doing that, there's companies that are, they have agents representing AI influencers. There's a whole. This room was.
- [12:44]
Podcast Host
Ecosystem.
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Danae Mercer
Ecosystem. And it was a buzz with talk about money. Right? Like behind all these, all these businesses, it's, it's the money, it's the financial potential. That's what they're thinking about. So you go back to the consumer, right? You just asked. Well, I'm a consumer. I want to consume AI. Like, is it okay? How do I do it safely? Of course you can. Of course you can. I think we all are out there using our friend chat to ask, you know, random questions in our back pocket. Exactly, of course, of course. Or canva. And you're using the Smart Expand or whatever you're doing. Of course AI is, it's like a computer. It's going to be part of our future. But how do we do it safely? How do we navigate it? That is a huge question and a very complex one. I would be concerned if any podcast I follow or self help motivational content if that was created using an AI avatar because that starts. It makes me again think they're not, they're not thinking about human. And that's usually what you're looking for in these platforms, right? You're looking for human connection for, for something real. They're thinking about money.
- [13:56]
Podcast Host
For me, yeah, it was, it was quite jarring thinking about the, I guess, purpose of why a show like this would even exist and the why behind what I'm trying to do. I understand it from a business point of, point of view, like in terms of being able to optimize your content and output and all of that. But, but it really just defeats the purpose of why I personally show up and do this. Right.
- [14:17]
Danae Mercer
And how would you get, how would you get the interviews? What, like how, what would it be? 2ai.
- [14:24]
Podcast Host
I guess maybe it was more like my own, like if I'm just doing solo content on my own sound bites.
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Danae Mercer
Right?
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Podcast Host
Yeah. Or like if I'm doing an episode of just me talking rather than being an interview format, which I thought was interesting. And then another, like my, the legal side of my brain also becomes interested because it's like what's stopping someone in the future taking my profile and making content out of my words? Like there has to be some sort of online verification where people will be able to like, you know, we've got like an Instagram blue tick. Not necessarily that because I know people can literally pay for that these days, but somewhere where people can verify that this information has come from an official channel. Because even like, you know, I can't even imagine what the biggest podcast in the world or biggest creators like how their faces is misrepresented in different lights. I've even had people send me clips where people have almost put another language over my face to try and sell something completely inappropriate. And it's not even good editing, but it's the worst it's ever going to be. So, you know, I'm always thinking about this. Like I think I'm quite optimistic about tech and the future, but I have a daughter now and so I think about how she's going to have to navigate or I'm going to have to help her navigate a space that I didn't have to maybe do that. I was, I entered it like you when we were a bit older and we already had time to form a lot of our core beliefs, a lot of our experiences. So it's quite interesting to think about like the concept of self confidence as a, as a consumer. Right. Like not even as a content creator because it's something we always see and it's actually scary to think like it's so hard to tell the difference still.
- [16:03]
Danae Mercer
And it's interesting you mentioned your daughter. There's a platform called Grok. It's like a chat GDP or nanobanana for people who don't know who are listening. It's just another AI editing, AI software platform that was all over the news in the last couple of days. Because what GROK allows is editing without restrictions. So certain platforms, like if I try to tell chat GTP to make a picture of me looking, take my face and make me look super, super sexy in a really minimal bikini, usually it won't do that. It'll be like this, this violates our terms and conditions. GROK doesn't do that. And so what's been happening is pictures of usually young actresses.
- [16:47]
Podcast Host
I've seen this actually.
- [16:48]
Danae Mercer
Yes, young, 16, 15, 14, 13. They people are taking these pictures, uploading it to Grok and telling it to create them or wearing nothing to create images of the. And then men are sharing these images across X and it's thank goodness, in a way it's gone viral because now Grok has had to say, oh wait a second, we don't, we don't condone that specific. When they are underage, we don't condone that if they're over, you know, 16 or 18, these images are public. So you upload them on a social platform, you should be prepared for what happens. But if they're underage, like we won't allow that. And so this, this is the world that our daughters, our children are growing up in. I'm speaking in schools now about confidence actually. And something that is happening more and more are pictures of teenagers. These young teenagers are being edited, uploaded and shared. So again, it would be taking your face and making a naked picture of you, an undressed photo of you and sharing it around. And it's going around schools. And I know two schools in Dubai where that's happened and that's just two schools that have told me that this has happened. They've had an issue with it. So I guarantee it's happening more and more and more. So this is, we have to have these hard conversations about our children are growing up in a different reality. How do we protect them? And also how do we instill a sense of confidence, a sense of safety, a sense of self worth?
- [18:21]
Podcast Host
What do you think? Does some practical tools even like AI and tech aside, let's just talk about being a person in 2026 on how to actually find self confidence for our.
- [18:35]
Danae Mercer
Children or for ourselves?
- [18:36]
Podcast Host
For ourselves, I think, because then I think, I mean you can support your children, but we can, obviously we can maybe touch on that Second for yourself. So someone listening who's thinking just about their own confidence and maybe they want some practical ways to tap into it or strengthen it.
- [18:51]
Danae Mercer
Yeah, that's, it's a good question. And again, this is something I deal with a lot. And so I've, I've been talking about confidence now and self love for over six years, which feels a bit crazy that time has gone so quickly. But I think one of the things, one of the big things we can do is what we've been touching on is educate ourselves around social media so that we understand what we're seeing. So much of what we're seeing isn't real and not just AI, but also posing how I position my body drastically changes the way I look, lighting, what time of day I take my pictures changes how I look or my videos I can show or hide my cellulite with, lighting where the camera is, filters of Course, we all know about filters now, but it's getting increasingly easy to subtly enhance bodies and faces in videos so that you, you don't think they're edited. It's not changing the walls or making things wibble or wobble. It's just making me have a tiny waist and huge bum and know other assets. So educating yourself around what's happening on social media so that you, you don't just scroll and start to cons, compare yourself to what you're seeing, you, you recognize. Okay, well, maybe this isn't real. Maybe this isn't real. Maybe this isn't real. I think learning something new, not online, learning something new is one of the best things we can do for our confidence because it challenges us, it pushes us outside of our comfort zone.
- [20:16]
Podcast Host
We.
- [20:18]
Danae Mercer
Making small goals that push us in the direction of where we want to go. Our dream day. I think that helps a lot too. So for instance, if you want to wear shorts, let's take a very tangible example. You want to wear shorts, but you feel really self conscious about your legs and you think, I'm never going to wear shorts. I have cellulite on my thighs. I'm never going to wear shorts. I can't do that. I'm just going to keep doing my pants. But there's this part of you that really wants to wear those shorts. What can you do? Okay, yeah, of course you can go on a fitness program. You can chase your fitness goals. And that is a beautiful, very tangible way to pursue confidence. You can also start really small with the shorts. You start in your house, you start in your garden. You take it step by step, by step, tiny little steps that help you climb that mountain. And I think very quickly we start to realize that no one is going to point and laugh when we're outside in our shorts. They're probably just thinking, wow, those are cute shorts. She looks fabulous. So little tangible things. Fitness is one of the big things I do recommend for confidence. And that doesn't mean going and running a marathon or doing 20 days of HIIT workouts. If that's for you, great. But it can also just be walking, getting outside, getting in the fresh air. These little things, studies have shown, are so important for our mental health. So I'd really recommend fitness. Those are just some tiny.
- [21:39]
Podcast Host
I love the, I personally love the learning a new skill tip because like, even last year I went to a couple of these ceramic studios here in Dubai and just took up pottery because every time I would go to Greece, I would just spend way too much Money on coffee cups that I didn't need and salad bowls that I already had 20 of. And I was like, this would be actually really nice to just do and learn a skill, something with my hands. Practical in the world. Because, you know, this, this podcast started off as a hobby, but it's still, like, on my laptop. My work is on my laptop. And so I want to, to unplug, you know, do something in the real world. So that's something I really love. Obviously you can do that through reading, you can do that through listening to different podcasts and stuff, but that's a good one to show yourself that you're capable of doing new things. And this is also, like, one thing I would add. I think if you want to be more confident, you really have to monitor the time you're spending online, especially if you're someone who finds you fall into doom scrolling or you don't feel good after using social media. And this is something I've noticed about myself. And to be quite honest, like, I'm a pretty confident person. I have full faith that I can create the life I want. I believe that I'm a, you know, intelligent, loyal person. I'm a good mom. Like, I have all these very strong beliefs about myself. I still feel like crap sometimes after I scroll. I still think, oh, I'm not fit enough. You know, I've just had a baby and I still fall into those mindsets after scrolling online. Maybe looking at other moms postpartum whose job is fitness, you know, everyone's human and, and I think you do fall into that. But I think auditing how much time you spend online, especially if it's making you feel a certain way, is a really important kind of step before you go and start stacking on the confidence. It's almost something you have to remove to give you space to stack on, if that makes sense.
- [23:25]
Danae Mercer
I think that's very true and a very, like, beautiful and concise way of putting it. I want to quickly touch on you said doing something new and you've learned pottery to that note. To anyone listening, you don't have to be good at something new.
- [23:40]
Podcast Host
I was not good at it.
- [23:42]
Danae Mercer
There's so many things I'm not good at. But it's okay to suck. It's okay to fail. Let yourself fail. Let yourself be terrible. Let yourself fall. We have this idea now, this consumerist idea that everything we do, we have to be great at. It's like, no, you don't have to be a great dancer to go enjoy dancing. You don't have to be great at pottery to go. Enjoy switching off your phone. And I read this thing recently about a woman who in 2025, made a goal of failing or being rejected 1,000 times.
- [24:14]
Podcast Host
Wow.
- [24:14]
Danae Mercer
And I thought, oh, that's such a powerful way of looking at it, because it removed the fear from trying. She went in and she's like, if I get it, yay, but I'm going to see if I can get rejected Instead. She ended up in, like, TV commercials and acting in a play and doing campaigns and working with dream brands and all this beautiful stuff. So let yourself fail. Let yourself be rejected. Let yourself suck at something new. Secondly, my gosh, yes. Set a time limit for your phone a thousand percent. I. Before I open any of my apps. And this is as someone who works in this space, my job is online now. Before I open Instagram, TikTok, Threads, whatever, I look at what time it is, and I usually just round up. So if it's like 7:49, I'm like, okay, 7:50, I am off. We close this, because otherwise it is so easy to get sucked into that really dangerous cycle. And when we're consuming, we're not creating, right. And when we're not creating, we start to feel bad about ourselves because we start comparing. We feel like we're not good enough versus switching off our phone, creating that bad pottery that makes us feel really proud because it's beautiful and it's made with love, and we did it.
- [25:28]
Podcast Host
I love that goal of, like, I'm. I'm aiming to fail X amount of times. I actually think that's something everybody listening should do. Even if it's three times this year, it pushes you to try something new at least three times. And really the beautiful part of that is if you don't fail and I hit your goal, then you're gonna succeed and, like, learn something new about yourself or so. That's awesome. I think that's very, very powerful. And with the. With the whole concept of, like, time limiting how much you use your phone, there is something I wanted to ask you because for me personally, I find social media very entertaining as well. There's a part of me that appreciates social media and the way, like, the way we consume has changed. I was reading something the other day, and it was saying even Netflix shows have had to simplify the storyline to be so basic because they know that people watching are literally on their phones at the same time. So if they tune out for two, two minutes and then relook, there hasn't Been some complex side story and they've completely lost because then they'll just tune out of the TV show, which I thought was really interesting. But fundamentally the way we consume has changed. And so that quick short burst of funny memes and I can send it to my sibling chat because I know they'll find it funny. Or my best friend because I know she's also breastfeeding and sleep deprived right now. You know, like there are these small points of entertainment and connection, but it's sort of filtrated with these scary AI influences or things. You don't know if it's real or not. So what's the fine line with like, I'm actually someone who enjoys using social media, but I'm also human and I fall prey to, you know, things that attack my confidence, you know, like, what's the fine line there?
- [27:05]
Danae Mercer
I think it's very natural that you enjoy social media. All of us enjoy it. All of us enjoy it because these multi billion dollar tech companies have created apps that they are drugs for our brain, right? They are designed so we enjoy it. Of course we enjoy it. Social media is like often, often it is like the tasty fast food, right? It's yummy, it's easy, it's fast, it's there, it's dopamine, right? So we all love social media. Does that make it bad or good? I think it makes it complex in the same way. Fast food is absolutely fine in moderation, in a balance. So if you're someone who likes social media but you're like, oh, I, I'm getting, I'm getting some content I don't want on my feed, that's gonna happen. And I can tell you like, Instagram is trying to install new restrictions so you can go and add your, you know, your search preferences in, in Instagram and like their security, like they call it the hamburger menu. The three lines, if you go into that, you can start to say kind of the content you like, you can restrict certain words, you can restrict certain content, you can say filter out anything that says, I don't know, AI or flash sale or so you can, you can try to be deliberate, but at the end of the day, the algorithm's the algorithm and they're going to try to make money off of you. So is it okay to consume? Absolutely. Social media changed my life. It made me more confident in myself. It connected me to a beautiful community of women around the world that very tangibly have helped me feel better about my body. So absolutely it's okay to consume Just, just be careful. Be careful with what you're consuming. Yep, careful. Are you choosing the content you're looking at or are you letting the algorithm pick for you? The algorithm is. We know the algorithm is going to go for those easy wins. It's why content is getting more rage, baity, more extreme, you know, more polarizing. The easy wins, right, it's the junk food. So are you consuming that or are you going to. What makes you feel good? What educates you? What makes you feel better in yourself?
- [29:22]
Podcast Host
Yeah, I think this is a really nice segue into sort of understanding how we show up online. And this is moving a little bit away from us as a consumer to basically anyone that posts online, whether it's for personal or professional use. And I came across something interesting when I was thinking about what I wanted to speak to you about today and just sort of understanding what's going on in the space at the moment. I came across something called the Proteus Effect. Have you heard of this?
- [29:49]
Danae Mercer
No.
- [29:50]
Podcast Host
I'll tell you a bit about it. I thought it was interesting and I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. So it's a psychological phenomenon. It shows that people subconsciously change their behavior, confidence and decision making based on the characteristics of their digital representation, even though they know it's artificial. So research has found that when people use avatars or online identities that are more attractive or taller, more authoritative, more put together than themselves in reality, in the real world, they'll speak up more, negotiate more, take more risks, and report higher levels of confidence. The brain kind of treats this digital self as practice for the real self, which I thought was actually a really interesting concept. Now in the past this was limited to avatars, shall we call them in like video games, virtual worlds, and maybe like experiments, but now obviously applies to like Instagram identities and LinkedIn personal brands, I guess some more curated authenticity as we call it in the modern world. So I think it's just one something interesting to think about because when I was reading this, I kind of had this preset idea that you can kind of go in and be someone online that you're not. But this concept has sort of, and I wonder, like you, you just shared that like, you know, social media opened up a world for you. And you also just said to me that you're a little bit more introverted in real life, even though you have quite an online presence. So I was thinking about this and I wonder, does social media have the potential to amplify things in our personal life, or is it Actually like the reverse, where it maybe is reinforcing our insecurities. Like, what do you think about this, practically? Is confidence something we can borrow from our digital selves?
- [31:32]
Danae Mercer
That is so interesting. I've never heard that concept before.
- [31:35]
Podcast Host
Me either.
- [31:36]
Danae Mercer
I like it. If it's true, I like it. I think that's really powerful for. From my experience, I think it's both. I think it's both. As a woman who has talked about everything from the cellulite on my thighs to my fertility struggles, to my relationship, to getting married later in life, to all these things that I think women, we often feel a bit fragile and vulnerable about, I can say social media has absolutely both empowered me in real life. So what I've done online has made me more confident offline, but it's also taken me to the other extreme where there were times where it would make me cry and doubt my friendships and feel fragile and feel like a failure. And so it can be both. I do believe to have a large online presence, you have to be confident, because social media otherwise will break you down. It will destroy you. Like you. Anything I do, anything I. Anything I do, everything I do, there will be at least one person that, that doesn't like it, that has something negative to say about it.
- [32:49]
Podcast Host
I'm sure more than one.
- [32:51]
Danae Mercer
It's just, it's. It is the Internet, right? Is the Internet, and it's the way. The way it works. So if I. If I was fragile, it would be easy to. To start to internalize all that. And that's what happened, actually, when I went. I went viral, what, five years ago, six years ago, during COVID I went viral and I shot up from about a hundred thousand to over 2 million million followers in the span of just a couple of months.
- [33:16]
Podcast Host
Wow.
- [33:17]
Danae Mercer
And it was during COVID and I went from having a very small, protected community of women who had grown slowly with me over time. A lot of them were in Dubai and the uae, where we can't say anything negative online. You know, negative comments can get you in a lot of trouble. So it was a very safe, protected bubble space. I went from that to shooting up onto a big global scale and received so much hate so quickly that I didn't know what to do with it. And it almost made me stop everything. It. Almost for about a month, every night I was. I was going to bed crying. I was convinced maybe I wasn't quite worthy. Maybe I should sit down, shut up. Maybe, you know, I. My body was hideous and my friends didn't really love me. And like, I was going to die alone. And like every. You know, it got in my brain. They got in my brain. I didn't know how to deal with it. I've had to grow. I've had to grow around it. I've had to get stronger. So there is that side of social media and confidence and confidence building, and it was a really ugly side. And I hope other people don't have to experience that, but I know most do, especially larger influencers do. But at the same time, creating this community of women who say to me all the time, like, oh, you have that. I have that too. Oh, you're thinking about that. I'm thinking about that, too. I remember with my first. My. My first daughter, I wasn't able to breastfeed. And it was a goal of mine. And for me, it was. It was very difficult. I got very sick multiple times, and the journey was a very personal and very painful one for me, physically and mentally. And when I posted about it, about not being able to BreastFeed, I had 15,000 comments that weren't just like hearts or smiles. It was paragraphs of 15,000 different women telling me their stories. There's something so incredibly powerful about that because I think inside every one of us, we have this fear that there's something wrong about us, that our truth is maybe a little shameful, a little embarrassing. Maybe if we show who we really are, people won't love us. Right. It's that human fear that who we really are isn't quite worthy, which is ridiculous, because who we really are is what makes us so special and so magical. Social media allows a space where we can show that. And instead of people being like, oh, not worthy, shameful, blah, blah, blah, you have women, in my case women, saying, me too, me too. You're not alone. Me too. So there's. There's the potential for both. It's just a tool.
- [36:07]
Podcast Host
In that month where you were trying to navigate, I guess, that influx of attention that came with. With some real dark elements or comments. What. What helped you get through that?
- [36:23]
Danae Mercer
I. I wouldn't say much helped me. It was. It was a very hard month, like one of the worst months of my life. And I couldn't admit that for a very long time because outwardly we view social media numbers as a sign of success. So it felt very much like they have that phrase, don't they? Like the spoiled little rich girl. Right?
- [36:46]
Podcast Host
Like you couldn't complain about something that everyone wants.
- [36:48]
Danae Mercer
Exactly. Yeah, exactly. So I didn't talk about it for so Long. How could you say, like, I am so successful and yet I am crying myself to sleep every night and experiencing such extreme anxiety and convinced that my real life friends are embarrassed to be seen with me because don't they know how bad and shameful and awful and ugly and horrible I am? Because that's what I was hearing, not from the vast majority, but from way more than I had ever heard before. I listened a lot to power songs, to Taylor Swift's reputation, to musicals about overcoming hardship. And I know that's a little nerdy, but I'm a little nerdy and that's. That helped me. I did a lot of walks, I found a lot of like inspirational quotes that are a little sassier than I am. Things like the people who seek to pull you down are already beneath you, you know, hurt people, hurt people, those kind of things. But those, those actually help me because I believe they're true and they're kind of little bite sized reminders that can really, I can really latch onto. I made a real effort to be with my real life friends, to be with people that knew me even before social media and love me for who I am. And I, one thing I kept going back to is something I truly, truly believe in life. Like, we can't let the bullies win. I knew if I stopped, if I put down my phone, if I gave up on talking about things that were so dear to my heart and clearly resonating with so many other women that the bullies would win. And I refused. I couldn't live with myself doing that. But I talk about all these things as a woman. At the time I was what, 34, I think 34 ish. 33, 34. And I, social media messed me up enough that I was crying myself to sleep, right? So 34 year old woman, 35 year old woman. I'd been editor in chief, Women's Health Middle East. I've worked for like cnn, I've traveled all around the world, I've done all these things. I was a grown adult that knew how to manage teams, that knew myself, that had gone through hardship and overcome. And social media still had the power to really rock my confidence, to really make me struggle. And so that's one of the reasons why I'm so passionate about talking about online bullying, talking about how we're educating our children with social media, talking about how we ourselves interact on social media, because I could handle it. But like, what about the 11 year old, 12 year old, 13 year old that's being called fat, ugly or Being told to kill herself.
- [39:39]
Podcast Host
Yeah. And it is such a different world to what we grew up in. Those years where you're really just trying to figure yourself out and you've got the world telling you who you are, who you're not. It's like crazy. Even as going through your 30s, your 20s, your 40s, there's different seasons of life and you're constantly iterating and learning about yourself. And so adding 2 million voices to that is a lot to digest. And I assume you have to put some sort of buffer in between that in your real life to sort of keep going. Two questions. The first is, given all of this, and obviously you're passionate about educating the younger generation, will you let your kids have social media?
- [40:25]
Danae Mercer
Bah. If you, if you had asked me that before I had a daughter, I think I would have, I think I, I probably would have said yes. I would have said, they're gonna have it anyways. We need to teach them, like wine, they're gonna drink at some point. You need to teach them how to do it safely. I would have said, if she's passionate. If they're passionate about acting or performing, like, what a great platform. Now, now, Honestly, I don't know. I don't know. I think it's so complicated. I don't think saying no, social media, I don't think that's working. I think kids are doing it sneaky. I've been speaking in schools and these rooms will be full of young girls without parents. And I ask them, I usually ask them, how many have social media? Raise your hands if you have social media accounts. And I would say about 80 to 90% of them raise their hands so they, they've got the platforms, so they're doing it. Okay, well, how do, how do we as parents help them? What do we do? How do we help them navigate that? It's, it's tricky. I think they are growing up in this world where they have social media. Social media is a part of their lives. Do I want that for my daughter? I don't, I don't know. I wish she could have a childhood without it. I wish she could suddenly get it when she's 20. How beautiful to grow up in a phone free childhood. But that's not the world we're living in. So that being the case, what do I do, what do I do with my daughter who I try not to work in front of my daughter? We're really strict about phones. If she sees your phone here, she'll grab it and she'll Go up high, up high. Because we put the phones up high like on top of a bookshelf in our house. We, we don't do phones.
- [42:18]
Podcast Host
Like that's nice accountability.
- [42:20]
Danae Mercer
Well, it is and it makes me switch off. Right. I'm not sat with her, just scrolling, but she obviously has seen me work somewhere. The other day I left a tripod out and she has this little like, it's like a paw patrol toy that is in, it's in the shape, a rectangle shape so it could look like a phone, but it's not, it's a toy. It's not even like phone shaped like phone themed.
- [42:39]
Podcast Host
It's a game.
- [42:41]
Danae Mercer
She took her little paw patrol toy, took my tripod and starts setting it up and starts sticking her little. I'm like, what are you doing? You're three years old. Where did you learn this? Obviously she learned it from mom. So there's. This is their reality. They're soaking this in. How do we help them navigate that? I think at this stage I just say I'm ignorant and I'm nervous and I just, I need to learn how to do it safely for my daughter.
- [43:09]
Podcast Host
Look, I think, I mean, it's obviously something I'm interested in and starting to think about, but I do think we're both probably like at least five to 10 years out from even having having that conversation with them. I mean, I don't see personally a need for a phone during primary school. So sort of end of end of primary school, who knows what the landscape's going to look like then? Who knows what kind of regulation is going to be in place, what apps are going to exist, what, you know, AI is growing so fast. No doubt the regulation and sort of controls will come after the fact, but they probably will come. And so I think it's too hard to say now because even 10 years ago, like reels weren't even a thing. Not even five years ago, they were a thing. When I started the show, the content I had to make for the episodes was so different. So it's one of these things where I think you're not going to know until you get there. But I think as a parent and just sort of what I'm learning now, what I'm hearing from you too, it's actually just forcing us to be very mindful with how we're using it, not be so nonchalant about having it out and just sort of doing it as a default. Like it's really forced me to. When I'm with her, she still sleeps A lot, you know, so when I'm with her, I'm with her, the phone's not around and be very conscious about that. That's helped me be more mindful about my use. And I think that's, that's as best as I can do right now. Until a conversation needs to be had at some point where she's like, mommy, I want a phone or whatever, whatever it is.
- [44:27]
Danae Mercer
Well, there's some really interesting research that's come out recently talking about how children who are acting out, children who. If your daughter's throwing a temper tantrum, there's new research showing it's tied to how often you're with them and you're looking at your phone because what they want is your attention. And they view the looking at the phone as an interruption, as a switching off. So it's starting to mess with their behavior even without them having phones because of how we're interacting with our technology.
- [45:02]
Podcast Host
Well, that makes sense to me because I'm very, I have a strict belief, I guess rule in my house that there's no tech at the dinner table at the time where we all sit together. It's whatever, half an hour, 30 minutes. So if for whatever reason my husband does check his phone because he sometimes has to work and he's always, because he knows my stance, he's like, I have to have my laptop out at dinner, whatever. Even if he's looking, I instantly feel like a bit rejected or a bit like, you're not here with me.
- [45:30]
Danae Mercer
Well, because he's.
- [45:31]
Podcast Host
And I'm not. Yeah. And I'm an adult, you know, and I'm an adult and I understand that he's working. So to a child who just wants to be with you and all they know is like your love and attention, I can't even imagine the ongoing effect of that. So I think as parents, our role is to really scrutinize our own use and be mindful of that. When they're so young. And then I think it's difficult to say now what the answer is when they're a bit older and that conversation is coming.
- [45:56]
Danae Mercer
And especially because you're, we're seeing at the moment a real push in the UK for like phone free schools. There's a huge movement to get phones out of schools or you go into school and you give your phone, you check it in, into these little safety bags and you get it back at the end of the day. There's a lot of research around the risks for phones with developing brains under 16 in the UK. And then in Australia, there's been. You've just banned social media for under 16, which will be interesting to see how that works in practice. In practice, exactly what that actually is going to look like. But I do, I think companies, governments are waking up and schools are waking up to the reality, like, okay, well, tech giants aren't going to police themselves. We need to do it. And I think that that's going to change very quickly over the next couple of years. What that looks like and how we, how we keep our kids safe.
- [46:56]
Podcast Host
It's a very much a. Watch this space. The second question I had was, what made you start showing up online and sort of talking about these things close to your heart? And what were you doing before?
- [47:08]
Danae Mercer
I have a background as a health and health and travel journalist. Before my, my world now, I was editor in chief of Women's Health Middle east and Men's Health Middle east and worked a lot as a, as a health journalist while I was editor. A big part of what I did was helping create photo shoots, helping direct photo shoots, helping make women and men look, quote, unquote, the best they could possibly look, you know, fit. Fitness. Right, Fitness. And I learned all these things, all these tricks and, and also operating in, in Dubai, I guess you're surrounded by influencers. And so I'd often see how they were shooting the content, they were doing what they were doing. So I learned all these tricks, I learned all this stuff that could drastically change what a photo looked like, what a video looked like, what a person looked like. And I started to realize, okay, I don't think your average woman knows that this beautiful bikini model also has cellulite, but has been, you know, cycling her carbs for the last three weeks and has cut water and we're shooting her at sunrise and maybe she's got fake tan on and this and this and this. She just looks at the average woman, looks at this and thinks, well, gosh, if she can do it, what is. Like, why isn't my body the same? What? So it. All this was kind of bubbling away in the background. And also it was, it was me. So my body, my body type, I've always had abs and I've always had. Since a teenager and I've always had cellulite on my thighs that is the shape of my body. So on social media, I could easily hide my cellulite and make it just look like I had abs and long legs and squeezing and arching and posing. And that was how I was showing up on social media in a very Curated perfected way, which isn't me at all. Like I'm kind of messy. Things are always a little crazy. I came in this morning and I'm like, I've got milk on my shirt and this, that. There's always just a bit of chaos in my life. That is me. It's a little bit chaotic, a little bit unexpected, I guess. But I was hiding that because I, I thought I had to show up in a certain way online. That's what everyone was doing, that's what I had to do. And I started to feel a real disconnect from what I was, what I was sharing versus who I, I really am. So I, I made the decision to do a side by side picture where one was showing my abs and my pose and the other was showing my cellulite on my bum. And I had never ever shown my cellulite before. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of it and thought it was so bad and disgraceful. And of course, you know, everything we read is how to hide your body, how to hide that cellulite, how to conceal it, fix it, change it. Yeah, yeah, I did this side by side picture and I posted it and I think I had, I don't even know, like I'd say 50,000 followers at the time. And I was messaging my best friend. I'm like, should I do this? I'm so nervous is what's going to happen? Like I felt really fragile about it, but I also felt good about it because it was authentic. It was what felt right for me. I posted it and for the first time in my life, my social media became a community. It became women commenting under the post saying, oh, I didn't know bodies like yours also have that. Oh, you have that. I have that. And it started to build that confidence that we talked about earlier where I suddenly felt so, so less alone. I felt so less ashamed. I started to realize, wait A second, if 80 to 90% of us have cellulite, how come we, we never see it on here? Maybe, maybe it's not that it's bad and shameful and disgusting. Maybe There's a whole 7.4. What billion dollar diet industry that's profiting off of making us feel insecure about these things. And from there, from, from that point I, I never really looked back.
- [51:12]
Podcast Host
Amazing. What definitely makes sense that if it's a minority that look a certain perfect way that companies can make so much money promising you and, and dangling the carrot when 90% of that's a 90% market for them, you know so it definitely makes sense when you put it in context. If you could change anything about social media to make it a place of pure connection and entertainment and like a really positive space, what would you change about it?
- [51:46]
Danae Mercer
I would change. There's this idea of the what about me isms. So when we consume social media and we see something that doesn't resonate with us, some people, you know, you swipe to something else. A lot of people have this feeling of, well, what about me? You say you like apples. I'm allergic to apples. How dare you? Why do you like apples? Don't you care about me? I'm allergic to apples. Haven't you thought about me? I'm allergic to apples. I'm going to write you a comment. You're clearly a bad person because you like apples. Don't you know I'm allergic? What about me? So I'd really encourage people to challenge this, this belief of, like, what about me? What about me? Before they leave a negative comment, before they shoot a negative dm, before they send out hate into the world. If you like apples, okay, maybe you're not the page for me. Maybe I need to go find a page where they like oranges. And that's okay. Just because you like apples doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't mean you hate me and my oranges. You're just not, not the space for me. So I'd really challenge people to look at the what about me isms. The what about me? What about me? Because sometimes it's not about us. And if something doesn't serve us, if it's causing anger or rage or frustration, we don't need to engage with that. We know that those negative comments, that hate, it's going to get into us, into our brains. It's going to fester. It's going to create this kind of toxic space for us. And then something we touched on the children. It's teaching our kids how to interact with each other online and off. So if they see us tearing each other down, which is what happens often on social media, they're going to think that's okay. So if I could change anything about social media, I'd really just change that. I'd challenge everyone. Like, it sounds so cheesy, but just be a little kinder. But it's not even just that. It's just the what about me? Don't. If it makes you angry, click off. Unfollow, click. Not interested. Step away from it. You don't need that energy. And the world doesn't need that energy either.
- [54:08]
Podcast Host
Yeah, it's. It's one of these things too. Like as a user, obviously, like you get triggered by things like. That's just. We all have our own experiences that mean that that is inevitable in different capacities. But I always say, yes, of course. Like you can, you can click not interested and try and curate your feed or just not engage. But. And because of the type of person who listens to this show and has listened to the full episode, I always say it's a moment and an opportunity for you to reflect. Why? Is something triggering you? It's a moment for curiosity. Is it something you want and can't achieve? Is it linked to a bad experience you've had? Like, I always find when I'm triggered by a type of person, a comment, a topic, it's always an opportunity for me to lead with curiosity. And then, you know, just, just reality check. Like if in the real world you're at a dinner party and someone brought apple pie, you wouldn't link it at them and say, I'm allergic, you just wouldn't eat it. You know, so same logic. Just keep it simple, you know, there's no need to engage or like, you know.
- [55:10]
Danae Mercer
Exactly.
- [55:11]
Podcast Host
I think zoom out and think practically sometimes also, also helps.
- [55:14]
Danae Mercer
But I do like, I like the idea of what triggers you, kind of challenges you. I think that is so true. So true. Absolutely. We often. So my space is a lot about aesthetics and self love and self confidence, that sort of thing. Often women are triggered by other beautiful women. Right. And it's, it's easy to start to tear down other women or, or poke fun at them, especially when they're beautiful. And I think, oh my gosh, well, why are we, why are we doing that? Why are we ripping apart? I don't know. I saw a picture of Emily Racha. How do you say her last name? Raja. Raja. Joski Radajkowski. Okay, Ratajkowski. Undeniably stunning woman. Right? And this picture of her postpartum and she was holding her like 5 month old baby and all the comments were like, oh my God, she's holding the baby like a prop. Look at her, she's in a bikini. And they're like, oh, disgusting mom. Terrible mom. Holding a baby. Like the prop clearly doesn't love the baby. Blah, blah, blah. I've got a baby that likes to face out. I often hold my baby like the exact position she was holding hers, where she's just kind of stuck on a hip and facing out because that makes my baby the Happiest. And it was one of those where I was like, people are. It's not because of how she's holding the baby, it's because of how she looks postpartum, which is a delicate time for most of us. We're dealing with our bodies, we're struggling. So I absolutely am with you on challenging what triggers us and using it as a platform for growth. I think that's really beautiful.
- [56:40]
Podcast Host
And it's an important, I think, skill, if not just moment of reflection to have in the back of your mind when on social media. Because that is like, I think you get triggered in real life, but social media, like, if you were triggered 10 times across the year, it could happen 10 times in a day on social media. So it's like a hyper version of that. So just something, you know, I'm not perfect, but it's something I really try and lean into when I feel that coming up well.
- [57:06]
Danae Mercer
And the algorithm pushes that kind of content. It really pushes that triggering, engaging, controversial content because that's what getting. That's what's getting people to interact, react, stay on the platform, watch the whole thing. Watch the whole thing. I've seen it with my videos. I know if I. If I do something, if I. There are certain topics I know I can touch on that will rile people up and get people really passionate, but it's often. It'll make them very angry. And increasingly I don't. I'm like, I don't want to do that. I don't. Social media is leaning into the. The rage, bait and the extremes. I'm like, I don't. Is that the legacy I want to leave in the world? Do I want someone to watch my platform, watch my content and get all riled up and angry and feisty? And I'm like, I occasionally, when it's important, but mostly I just. I hope they feel a little bit better when they're on my page. But it's true. The platforms really lean into that. So we have to be really careful.
- [58:08]
Podcast Host
And with nearly 8 billion people in the world, it is inevitable that you're not going to like everyone's content and opinion. So just find your people just like you do in real life. You know, you're not going around trying to make every person agree with you.
- [58:21]
Danae Mercer
I don't know. I try. It's like the people pleaser in me. I'm like, do you want to be my friend?
- [58:26]
Podcast Host
Well, it's. I think it's an innate part of belonging and how you're wired, but it is important to remember online because again, you're cat, you're fishing, you're catching like 2 million people versus in real life you might have the capacity for like ten at a time. So it's, it's going to expose you.
- [58:42]
Danae Mercer
And you know well and this is research into how we respond to negative comments and negative feedback online. Kind of looks, looks at this and what's really interesting is there's this theory, this idea that in terms of evolution, back in the day when we lived in tribes of what, 10 to 100 people, our brains are wired to be hypersensitive to any negative comment, negative feedback because that's what kept us alive. If you came into my group and you were saying negative stuff to me, of course I would focus on you and think about you and worry about you because you are a threat. You are a threat to my happy healthy community of my 10 to 100 people. Our brains haven't yet caught up with technology and what's happening now. We are not wired to handle this amount of negative feedback of fast content of criticisms and rage bait. Our brains don't know what to do with this. And so this is where it starts to really mess with our confidence and our self worth and it really gets into our brains. So it's interesting.
- [59:44]
Podcast Host
Definitely tricky. It is. I think it's very much an evolving landscape but I think a lot of the things you've shared today both through your thoughts and beliefs and also like really practical things people can do always they can think about the reality of social media or the social media guys I think has been very useful. So I want to thank you so much for coming on the show today and for anyone watching, if there's any topic that's come up, comment or even side thought or side quest you've gone on that you would love to hear us talk about. If you want to see a part two, make sure you drop a comment. Danae, thank you so much for your time and energy today. I really appreciate it and I personally love your content. So looking forward to continuing on the journey with you and also, you know, staying connected as we go through the whole parenting technology aspect together.
- [60:40]
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