← The Balance Theory
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- [00:00]
A
If you were praised for getting good grades in school, then you become someone who associates their worth with how perfect I can be. We become perfectionists, workaholics, always hustling and bustling. Anything less than a hundred is not good enough. Which is behind? There's a desire and fear, the fear of not being good enough and a desire to be. How would your life feel like if you didn't have the weight of proving yourself over and over and over?
- [00:28]
B
Today we learn how to find and communicate our real identity, not what we do, our title or work, the real us. And joining us to workshop, this is keynote speaker, published author and thought leader Rahaf.
- [00:39]
A
When was the last time you did something that is not related to work or that is not associated with an outcome? They don't know how to answer that. Who are you behind the title? You don't get an answer. It's scares them a lot because they've built an identity around everything they have built.
- [00:57]
B
When we talk about identity, how do we describe what that involves? If it's not what we spend time doing, what we do, what is it really?
- [01:06]
A
That's a good question. What's missing most of the time is
- [01:11]
B
how do people know if they're genuinely lost in life or they're just in a transition phase, they're going to feel the same.
- [01:18]
A
The difference more or less would be if just you narrow it down to one question.
- [01:30]
B
All right, balances. Welcome to another episode of the Balance Theory. I'm very excited to have today's conversation. I think it's going to speak to so many of us in exactly the moment we're at. And I just have this really intuitive feeling that if you're watching this episode, it's meant for you. There's going to be a moment in this episode where you really have an aha moment or a coming home moment to yourself. Joining me today is the beautiful Rahav. Rahav. Welcome.
- [01:55]
A
Thank you, Erica. Thank you for having me.
- [01:57]
B
It's an absolute pleasure.
- [01:58]
A
Beautiful introduction. I like it.
- [02:00]
B
Thank you, thank you. Your brand name raise, your mental health is also really, really beautiful.
- [02:05]
A
I like.
- [02:06]
B
It's like a play on your name as well.
- [02:09]
A
Thank you for catching that. Yeah, yeah, it's beautiful. I love playing. So that's definitely the purpose of it.
- [02:16]
B
I think a lot of the work you've done and that you do speaks to our audience in such a powerful way. Now our audience are people who are very driven. They're watching a self development podcast, right. So they're already very proactive, type People, they want to learn, they want to find ways to be better and get to know themselves more. And I know you've worked with a lot of high performers in the past, so maybe we can start here. You've worked with so many high performers who felt like, you know, they've got everything, hypothetically, on paper. They've got the career, the salary. They've achieved what they thought they wanted in life, but they have this feeling there's something missing. Talk to me about those types of people.
- [02:58]
A
We're going deep. All right. From my work with executives, as you said, they have everything on paper. They've built the businesses, they've had the amazing or fascinating income. They can buy anything they want. What's missing most of the time is for them to drop the mask of performance because they're performing strength, they're performing ambition, they're performing. I got everything in me to keep moving forward, which is resilience. But what they're not doing is allowing themselves to pause. What do I want? Who am I doing this for? The latter question, most of the time, the answer would be, I'm doing this for my kids. I'm doing this for my wife or husband. I'm doing this for the team. I'm doing this to build a legacy. Never. The answer is, I'm doing this because it excites me. I'm doing this because it brings me so much joy. I do this because it's passionate. It's never the case. So with time, it adds up to, let's say, internal frustrations or resentment or bitterness or even anger, and they don't know how to channel that. That's what's missing. Doing things that excite them, that bring them energy instead of draining the energy. So what happens is that if you ask them, when was the last time you did something that is not related to work or. Or that is not associated with an outcome? So there's no outcome behind it. You're just doing it Just because they don't know how to answer that. All right, let's drop it. Who are you behind the title? If you're not the owner of this or the founder of that, then who are you? If you're not the husband or the father, who are you? You don't get an answer. That's what's missing. So we work on, let's say, unlayering the masks of, I want to prove my worth or myself to this or that, and slowly start to learn how to be true to yourself, come back home to yourself. Whether that meant to say no instead of saying yes to everything. Or a career transition where even though society speaking, this is acceptable as a job or a business, but you want to become an artist, go be an artist. So these are the things, and it scares them a lot because they've built an identity around everything they have built. And they assume that because of this identity that has created the wealth, the success and everything that looks good on the paper means probably it's not going to make me happy. Sometimes it's the case. So there has to be an identity shift. But at the end of the day, you'll have to make a choice.
- [06:05]
B
If we really just think about identity as a concept. Because so often you meet people, hi, I'm Eric. I'm a lawyer. Right. We just tie who we are to what we do. But they're two very, very different things. When we talk about identity, how do we describ what that involves? Is it our personality? Is it our values? Is it what we enjoy doing? If it's not what we spend time doing or what we do, what is it really?
- [06:32]
A
That's a good question. I don't have one answer to that. It's really. It's going to look and sound different from one person to another. But for example, we can start by eliminating things. What not to say. So not to say I'm a lawyer, not to say I work at this company. Let's avoid identifying ourselves with what we do for a job or for income. How about you say, hi, my name is Rahaf and last week I spent like three hours working on a passion project. Do you mind me sharing that with you? Passion project, what's that? And it opens up a conversation. So I would lead the conversation with either a feeling I'm going through. It could be gratitude, and here's why I'm feeling grateful, or I'm feeling blessed. And here's why I'm feeling satisfied, here's why I'm feeling happy, I'm feeling neutral. And people would be like, okay, we've never heard that before. Or instead of feeling something that is occupying my time and energy. So it could be a hobby, an interest, a conversation, a topic I'm learning about, a book I'm reading, something embarrassing happened. So always I would go the other way around. Or as simple as my favorite color is. And here's why, instead of just saying, yes, I'm the founder of this and this is what we do, you're not really selling any value or you're not meant to be taken seriously just because of the career or the title that you're doing, let people know you, let people see you. And that's so scary because if I allow you to see me for who I am, there's also the fear of rejection, the fear of what if she thought I was weird and she doesn't want to be my friend anymore? What if she thought I'm not really serious enough in what I do and I stopped getting clients and stood. The what if train just gets longer and longer and you choose to be like everyone else. Hi, my name is Rahaf. I'm the founder of. So it takes one person to inspire a different action and then I think people would follow.
- [08:54]
B
What I think is interesting about that, like even in a professional setting. Right. If you were to opt to introduce yourself in a very different way, I actually think it makes you stand out. And I had this experience when I was just telling you I moved out of corporate and I was just doing consulting. What I found in that space, it was a little bit more flexible. Right. I'm not representing a big organization. It's me. You want to work with me. This is who I am. And I was able to talk about things like my podcast, like the fact that I was pregnant or I had a baby or whatever it was and people connected with me. The person.
- [09:25]
A
Yes.
- [09:26]
B
Not, you know, and then working with me was a no brainer. They're like, oh yeah, of course, yeah, yeah. That work. Yeah. I'll just send you a brief about it later. It wasn't even part of the reason we had met anyway, because you broke
- [09:35]
A
the ice, you stayed close and true to yourself and you've built trust in these mini windows or mini moments. People will relate to you being a mom, getting pregnant, transition in your life, whatever it is. I think it's time to go back to basics and remember that we are meant for connections. And this is an ambivert speaking, which means I don't spend time with people when I'm not working. But we're meant for connection. So what I do suggest or recommend is whatever makes you feel good about yourself and you trust that this is why I'm unique. Highlight it. So at work, for example, there's one icebreaker, if you want, we practice it or we answer that question, which is, what is the one thing that people in this room don't know about me, but it would be nice if they did. Everyone gets the same reaction and then the mind goes like, okay, should I share something embarrassing? Should I share something fun? What do I do? Is it work Related. What do you mean? At work, at home, it's so fun to watch people react to questions like this and then be like, you know what? Let me put myself out there. And they start sharing answers. And the team would be like, I didn't know that. Thank you for sharing. And it opens a discussion.
- [11:05]
B
Sure, I can definitely see that. But I just wanted to kind of share that because I think we think it's not going to be received well. But when you think about it, if you met someone and they shared something about their personal life or their hobby or something they're struggling with, or an emotion or a thought, order a book instantly. Like, you know, generally you connect.
- [11:24]
A
You want to make more. Yeah.
- [11:26]
B
You know, so I think it's just interesting to think about it in reverse. And you know what we've been speaking about, that feeling of something's missing, working out your identity. That's all great if you know, right. If you have that feeling or if you've given that feeling space. But I think there's a lot of functioning high performers who would actually maybe subconsciously be experiencing that, but completely unaware. And so what I wanted to ask you was, what are some of the signs that people can look out for that would really show them they are disconnected and they may not really be aware or be prepared to address it?
- [12:03]
A
The most common ones, of course, not everyone's going to resonate with it. But what I have seen and the people I worked with, the feeling of disconnection comes as losing interest in things that really used to interest you. So, for example, if you. I'll take you, for example, as a lawyer, let's assume you used to get so much energy and excitement by taking on a case. The thrill and the excitement of getting a new case, learning all about it, and seeing how to defend or to help that client. And then gradually you start to feel. To feel like it's a burden or like it's another choreography. I don't know about this. And then your body starts to send you signals, like the tension in your chest, sweaty palms, which is more or less anxiety. You're only there for the income, for example, or the salary. You know what the job pays. Well, I'm not going to leave yet. I have so much responsibilities. My life can wait. Or that's the case for everyone. Who am I to change that? It's okay. This is what life is. You start telling yourself the stories to convince yourself that this is what normal feels like. Signs like you don't know what else you can do to enjoy Life and you start losing the faith or the belief that this is possible. So your brain starts to become a bit more pessimistic on things and you see it in a way that for someone watching, what are you doing? Remove the blinds. Like there's a whole new, let's say, side of the things that you can do. So yes, I would be, I would say not lack losing interest and things that brought you joy or excitement or anything, even the satisfaction that you get from work, that's not going to be the case for some time. That is also a sign avoidance of people. Probably for some clients I worked with, they would avoid engaging with anyone so they don't get asked, how are you doing and how's work? They don't want to talk about it or they don't want to admit that they're really not happy anymore. Basically when you do things not for yourself, the external validation or the external reward, which is it could be a salary, it could be a promotion, it could be a bigger project, a bigger client, a feature in a very well known magazine or whatever it is, but you're not really doing it for the sake of. This makes me happy and this satisfies me. Giving yourself the excuse that if I don't do this then I won't be able to take care of my family, who's going to put food on the table? Like, things like that. And you know when you say like, how do people know? Even if you don't have the words to describe it, there's a sense of knowing that this is not working. You dread going to work. You stop doing things for pleasure and satisfaction. You become snappy, you become a little bit short tempered and you don't know why. Why? I don't know what's going on. And you feel like there's something inside you that's inviting you for a conversation. I think we should talk. I think it's time to stop or to quit or. But we don't give ourselves that moment because we're too scared or we don't know what to do. We don't have a clarity map to walk on. So we'd be like, this is familiar. I don't like it. But because it's familiar that I know
- [15:48]
B
how to deal with it, I think a lot of people can resonate with that. And one part of this again, it may not resonate with everyone, but this is something I felt and I'm sure a lot of people will be able to resonate with it. How do you know? Right. If you've spent your whole life growing up performing your output. That's kind of what's gotten you maybe love attention. That's what's progressed you, your value. Right. Even despite what the world or your interactions have been, your self value is based on your output. So you've grown up with this construct that what I do, my output, that is my worth, even if it's not bringing me joy. How do you then separate that when really probably all you know is, yeah, well, what brings me joy is when my output is validated. That's the world that you've been familiar with. I think so many high performers can fall into that trap. Because doing is satisfaction. Right. Achieving is satisfaction. What's the fine line between I'm doing this for the output because that's what's validated versus for myself? Yeah, I don't know if that's a very ambiguous question. Let me know if not. But I guess the point is, when you've grown up kind of being validated for what you do, how do you know if that's really what you want?
- [17:06]
A
That's a very good question. I'll highlight one thing. I love that you start the question with asking. We were taught this from a very young age. That's conditioning. That's why you see. So people listening, they're going to either resonate or not. But if you were, let's say, praised for getting good grades in school, then you become someone who associates their worth. I see you their worth with how perfect I can be. We become perfectionists and we become workaholics and we become people who is always hustling and bustling because I want to prove my worth. Anything less than 100 is not good enough. Which is behind. There's a desire and fear, the fear of not being good enough and a desire to be good enough or worthy of being without doing to answer the second question is what is the fine line and what can be done? It's a journey. It took me more than 14 years by doing therapy and self work and really going deep because sometimes. And I don't want to go so deep or spiritual on that. But everything that we do or we don't do, we think or we don't think has come from a wound from our past. Something has happened. Whatever age we were in, we got stuck and then we moved on and we grew out of the body. But then we reached a point where that wound or that, let's say pain of not being good enough, not getting attention, not getting validated or not being loved. Or whatever it is and we become grown ups with that pain. My go to suggestion all the time is just okay, how would your life feel like if you didn't have the weight of proving yourself over and over and over? Release the sigh of relief and release. Perfect. What is the one small step you can take? And most of the time I would not start by what to add to your plate. Like go do self care, go to therapy, go, uh, what are we removing from your plate? What has to go. What did you outgrow? What is outdated? What has to go? And let's not worry about other people. How are they going to react? How are they, what are they going to think? Whose feelings are you going to hurt? Let's drop that worry for a second. What needs to go off your plate? You know what? I am done doing this. Perfect. Start from there and then the line. You will be the one coloring it, drawing it, make it thinner, make it thicker. You get to do that because like the podcast, I love the name the balance theory. Balance for you. It's going to look completely different than what balance means to me. It's the same with self work. It's the same with defining what is good enough for me, where my satisfaction comes from. How far am I willing to choose myself over others? Is it time to declutter people from my life or habits or okay, is this serving me? You have to ask yourself the questions that really matter and just take one small action and if you don't know what that action looks like, there are many experts that can help you with that. I always have a mentor in my life or a therapist or just someone as simple as someone who has been on the journey before. And I would go be like Erica. I want to be where you are. Any suggestions, any advice, anything that I can do? So it's a huge answer to a simple question. Not so simple. My recommendation is if you don't know, start with what you know. I'm feeling tired. I'm done, I'm fed up. Something is really, something is off and I don't know what. I feel like. There's so that's a common one. I feel like I'm not really fulfilling my potential. I know I can give more, I know I can do more. I okay, what are you doing? That is not yours to do. Drop it so you can make space for the things that really resonate with you.
- [21:48]
B
I think that's very empowering actually restructuring the way we look at, you know, how we spending our time and focusing and what can we Take off.
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A
Because often less is more these days,
- [21:59]
B
you know, whenever we talk about new habits or doing new things or making change, you actually have to remove things for that new stuff to have space. And that's a very important part. But the reason I specifically asked about the output is because before you said, you know, to work out what's missing or, you know, where's that lack of fulfillment coming from? Like, you have to just take some space and just be with yourself. And I think for a lot of people who have grown up like me thinking, you know, my worth is my output, doing that feels so counterproductive, like what a waste of time, you know, And I know that's that's a byproduct of that conditioning, but it is a difficult thing thing to actually train yourself to make space for.
- [22:36]
A
I'll share something personal about me, please. I am now still learning how to detach from the outcome. So for example, I have a goal or I have an ambition, or I have something that I really would love to see come to life. I am learning how not to obsess over the outcome or the output, which means I'm okay with planting the seed, doing the work, showing up and let it be. It's going to be very uncomfortable. It's going to create all these train of thoughts that what if it doesn't work? What if I don't see the results? What if this, what if that I'm learning how to not get attached to the outcome. Is it making you happy now? If the answer is yes, I keep doing it. Do you think it's going to make you happy or it's going to bring you satisfaction? Or do you think this is something you want to do? You feel it in your body that you want to work on? Most of the time the answer would be yes or no. If it's a yes, I go with it. If it's a no, do it. And don't get attached to the outcome. Whatever outcome is going to be for your good. I never thought about it this way. It still makes me feel like cringe sometimes, but because I have been practicing it for more or less a year and I could see the difference. Not with the outcome itself, with how I'm moving through life. I'm less anxious, I'm less worried, less tensed about things. You know what? I have a tattoo here that says whatever happens, happens. It's okay. I ask questions. You would laugh, probably. But will this make Krahaf happy? Will this serve Rahaf's purpose? Will this help Rahaf help her clients more. Yes for now. It's a yes for tomorrow. I genuinely don't know. But I could wake up tomorrow and be like, I don't want to do this anymore. And that is okay. So I would conclude with giving yourself permission to change your mind, change your plans. If you're not happy with the outcome, find another way to get a satisfactory outcome. But also, whatever you do or whatever you choose, which is the hardest lesson for me personally, and I see it with my clients, is believing that you're worthy. By just existing, you've earned your value and you've earned your worth. And I have poured my eyes out over that thought because I didn't believe it. What do you mean? I have to prove myself. I have to show everyone that I'm happy and successful in this. It gets exhausting with time. And the whatever you're working on, the goal is just going to get bigger and bigger and bigger, and your satisfaction is going to go smaller and smaller and smaller. You're making other people happy. What about you? So what outcome are we talking about? What is it? Why can't the outcome be, I'll just be myself. I. I will stay true to myself, to my values, to what I believe in, to what I want to show up for, to what I want to speak up about and not hurting people or by causing harm to none. I'll do what I want. As long as I'm not hurting you, I'll do whatever I want. Whether that was pursuing a hobby that seems so ridiculous for you, changing my job or my business, changing my niche, for those who run their own businesses, getting a divorce, getting married without telling anyone, the things that society looks at you and be like, how dare you? Oh, watch me. That's the energy we want to bring in. But that takes unlearning. Unlearning beliefs, unlearning behaviors, changing sometimes the environment you're in, the people you're surrounded with. It's a lot of work, it's a lot of tears, it's a lot of pain. It's a lot of grieving as well, because you're going to grieve people worthy while they're alive, if you decide to let them go, you're going to grieve a version of yourself that brought you for to where you are. And then you'd be like, thank you for everything. I have to let you go because there's a new rahaf waiting for me. Grieving a life that you thought you're going to have five years back I thought my life's going to be way, way more different than what it is today. So I also had to take time and grieve it, be like, you know what, it's fine, it's okay. And honor where I am today and help people do that or exactly that.
- [27:25]
B
I think that's interesting to think about. And you know, when you're talking about it's going to be hard, like there's this concept like, choose your hard. Like, one part's going to be hard because you never explored something that was authentic for you. And the other part's going to be hard because you're letting go of comfort and what, what you always knew. You always have a choice.
- [27:41]
A
It's a dance, but you have to choose 100%.
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B
Yeah.
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A
Which one you want.
- [27:44]
B
And a guest previously on the show said a beautiful quote, which I'll repeat now. It's we're human beings, not human doings.
- [27:51]
A
Yes.
- [27:51]
B
And remembering that in moments where I feel this doing energy coming up is a nice way to just bring myself back home. But for those listening who want to tap into this, you know, setting a goal and detaching from the outcome, how do you do that in a way that balances still with, you know, I still have clarity and direction on what I'm doing and why I'm doing it and where I'm going versus I'm just doing this. And I don't really care what happens. Like, what's the, you know, Because I feel like doing a goal that's like open ended in terms of whose goal is it? Okay, so. So these are the metrics we're using now.
- [28:25]
A
Yeah. Whose goal is it? Is it mine? Is it a goal that I picked up from someone? It could be parents, it could be people I work with, people I surround myself with. Why do you want to be X, for example? Go back to your Y. Because it makes me happy, because it makes me money. Because it's gonna guarantee that when I'm eight years old, I will know that I won't have any regrets. Why are you doing this and why this goal in particular? Where did that goal come from? That would be one. And that will give you the clarity? More or less. But at least know why you're doing this. And second of all, who can help me with it? Now that you know why, who can help me with it? Do I know someone who's done this before? Okay, can I ask them for help or make a list of people that either you would like to work with, to talk or have a Conversation with you, want to sign them up as clients or whatever. Who are the people that can help you? What needs to be done or undone? So what is it in my life that needs to be deleted or diminished? And what should I add? The fourth thing that I would always recommend is learn who you are, how you make decisions, why are you here, which is the life purpose, and are you in alignment with what you're here to do? And that takes us to something I'm so passionate about, which is human design. Yes.
- [30:06]
B
Talk to us through this.
- [30:07]
A
For people who have human design. I've read, I've, I've given you your report and the first thing that you said, this is so me.
- [30:13]
B
It was, it's unbelievable.
- [30:15]
A
So you tell me first, what was your impressions about it and then I can go ahead and talk about what human design does for people.
- [30:21]
B
So I've heard about human design before, uh, but never, I've never done, never gotten mine read. I didn't really understand the depth of it. So for me it was a very intricate breakdown of the way and why I do things. Decisions, I guess my drivers.
- [30:44]
A
Yeah.
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B
And frust, you know, my frustrations, my triggers, my things that it really explained, I guess things in such a nuanced way where I really saw myself different to, you know, and I want people to understand this. It's not so much like an astrology.
- [31:03]
A
No, no, no.
- [31:04]
B
It's not where you kind of get, I feel with a lot of these readings, right. Not, not talking about human design, but in general, they, they can feel quite like, oh, this just explains who you are in a couple of sentences. And I feel they're so generic sometimes. Like, you know, in the newspapers when you read like the astrology, oh, that's so me. But it's three sentences just to Aries
- [31:24]
A
with Gemini and the same.
- [31:27]
B
It really wasn't like that. It really felt like you'd, you'd really like known me for years. That's how it felt when I was looking at it. So tell us a little bit about why it works, why it's actually so accurate. And it's like, guys, I have like a 40 page report sitting here on the table.
- [31:43]
A
That's the basics.
- [31:44]
B
I'm so grateful by the way, for you having done that for me. I really appreciate it.
- [31:48]
A
Thank you. But tell us, thank you for trusting me without meeting me.
- [31:51]
B
No, of course. You know, how, how do we get something so accurate and detailed from, you know, you asked me for my birthday and time.
- [32:00]
A
Yeah, yeah. Thank you for the feedback. And this is exactly what human design does, it brings you home to yourself. So what I have learned through my clients and through myself is if you look at your chart, we're not going to go into details, but you have two columns, one to the right and one to the left, and has numbers. This is something I'll explain to you later. But what's interesting about it is the column on the left is the one that. Or the traits and the strengths and everything about you that you got three months before your mom gave birth to you, three months before this personality came to life. The one on the right is your personality the minute you came to life. So these were developed, developed three months before, and this is when you got born. What's interesting about it is with time, you start the conditioning, starts the way your parents raised you. You go to kindergarten, you go to school. The personality starts to take a different shape. So you pick up beliefs and realities that is not really yours. Why do we think, for example, money don't grow on trees? I'm just using that because we all love money. You learn that you need to work hard to get money. Anything that comes easily to you, that's lazy or that's not something sustainable. When you start learning about human design, you learn how you can make money in a way that feels right for you. And the reason why it's so accurate, because we're basically, without getting into details, but it's combining like three to four. It's not studies. It's like the Kabbalah and the astrology, and things are just combined. It's literally your DNA. So everything is by the book. We're not making things up. You can't make things up. It's literally in your chart. And every person, even though we have, let's say, generic profiles. So your profile is something. My profile is something else. But what's unique about it is your traits, your strengths, how you see life, how you should move through decisions and all of that. And how could you, okay, I'll take this. How can I put it in work? So I do this with companies, I do this with entrepreneurs. Because, okay, who should I hire? Who should I not hire? What are the things that I can take on, what are not the things I can take on? A huge disclaimer. This is not to label you, to cage you. You can't be like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm an Aries or I'm a generator. It's not the case. But it gives you more better understandings, so you get awareness. Why am I the way that I am. Why all of a sudden I feel that this is not okay for me and this is okay for me. So in my case, why do I not thrive or why do I not feel successful? Why is my business not moving forward when I stick to one system? That's my case. And then I learned, oh, I'm not meant to have a one system. I am meant to have this instead of that. So I'm multi passionate. I. I should be working on multi projects or multi services and I can thrive when I'm working on them, on all of them.
- [35:36]
B
Can we actually speak about your realization in a little bit more detail? Like talk to us through the moment? Because you just briefly shared this with me before and I immediately thought of a few friends of mine who I know very similar and would, I think it would really liberate a lot of people just hearing your experience and what you learned about yourself. So please, if you don't mind sharing,
- [35:55]
A
nothing makes me happier. It started with I told you so 1. It was the feeling that something is off. So I go to my therapist. What is going on with me? But before that I was working with a business coach. And when I went to that business coach, I was in a place where I thought the business is doing really well. And that was like two years, three years into the business. Numbers are amazing, clients are happy. Now it's time to scale. So I go to that business coach and he gives me advice that now when I look back, it's so generic. Stick to that system, apply that tool, do this and your business is going to 10x. Okay, let's do that. Erica. The minute I started to apply everything he has given me, the business went not just downhill. I didn't make any money. I was frustrated all the time. I'm crying all the time. I feel like I'm wearing someone else's clothes. I didn't feel like myself at all. But I thought, which was now I realize it was like a gaslighting moment. Who are you to question what he's telling you to do? He's the expert. You paid him for a reason. This is your new or first time running a business, so you don't know shit. So I applied everything for like six months, Nothing. Then I was like, something is off. In parallel. I was still going to my therapist and she introduced me to human design. The minute I read as a manifesting generator and my profile is 6:2, which means I am meant to pivot to work on multi projects. At the same time, I cannot be happy or Be successful if I'm just focused on one thing. So when people say you need to focus on one thing, you're literally offending me. Or you're literally telling me to be someone that I'm not. No, I thrive and I have it. It's literally in my DNA. You might not be able to do it, but for me, this is who I am. I'm someone who can work on one on one coaching workshops for corporates and write a keynote and prepare for it on the same day. And the three of them will get my attention and perfect delivery for someone else. No, they have to follow the step by step. For me, I skip steps. If you want coffee, I'll make sure you get yummy coffee. But do not expect me to follow the guidelines. I would break the rules. I will skip steps, but I'll get it done. So learning that about myself one gave me a relief. Nothing is wrong with me, okay? I'm just different or unique. How can I bring that into my daily life? Okay, perfect. Which means to stop guilting myself, forcing myself to stick to one hobby. If today I like to paint, tomorrow I might not. That is okay. To communicate with people in my circle. Please. Moving forward. I don't want to be shamed for when I change my mind. I would like to. Or I'm the kind of person who moves fast. I move fast. Whatever lights me up, gives me energy. This is my drive. When you see me shifting or pivoting, please don't comment on that. Respect it. But please do not shame me. Shame used to be a huge burden that I carried with me for a long time. What else in the way I move in relationships, the time that I need for myself. And I'm now a huge, let's say, confident woman of, you know what? I'm taking time for myself without saying yes. To meet you, for example, just because I like you, I don't want to upset you. I don't want to disappoint you. Now I be like, I'm not feeling it. I want to be home. To recharge. You have to be okay with it. And it makes you lose people. You have to be also okay with that. It changed a lot in my business. My clients saw the. The difference. Like it's like having a surgery, a plastic surgery, but it's on a deeper level. Your heart changes, your soul changes, the way you move, the way you talk to people. Even the quality of clients, for example, changes because you're no longer taking on people just for the sake they want to work with me? Do I want to work with you? Do you light me up? Am I not energetic? Am I excited to bring you on as my client? The questions change. So that's what it does. It gives you. So when you said it's accurate, it's your blueprint, it's no one else's blueprint. I can't be like, yes, if you're born from April 10 to April 21, for example, it's really not that it's so accurate. That's why I asked you for, and I always ask permission. We need your birth details. It's not woo, it's not astrology. It's something that is created from your DNA and it teaches you how you make decisions. So for example, I make decisions on the spot because I'm a sacral, which means I have a gut response which is black or white. I have or no immediate. I know exactly what I want and when I want it. My partner is unemotional, which means he needs days to make up his mind or to decide on something. So we have an agreement. If we have a decision to make at home, I'll say how I feel now. It feels like a yes, it's a full body yes. And you take your time. We'll discuss that in four days. So it saves relationships, it saves friendships. Even at work, you can go ahead and be like, maybe I should hire a sacral for decisions that needs to be done on the spot and I'll hire the emotional ones when it can wait. It also helps you to reshape your company by hiring or assigning the right person and the right position and the right job description. This is how deep it can go and this is how essential it is for everyone to know their designs. Because now I'm doing it for parents with kids. How can you help your kid to shine? Instead of projecting your own ways on your kid, look at their design and see how they play and see how they should be moving in life and drop your ego and give them exactly what they need.
- [42:53]
B
So if it's not like astrology based, and I mean, obviously it's not science based, if it's based on your birthday, like what is it based on?
- [43:01]
A
So if you want to go to the origin of a human design, it's coming from, let's say, multiple traditions at the same time, which is the Kabbalah, you have the I Ching, which is the ancient Chinese book of the divine astrology, and you have the chakra system and quantum physics. So all of those combined create. Your not create, but Gives you your blueprint. So there's no cheating, there's no manipulating results because you really can't do that. It's in your DNA. And I work with a family who's the father is a manifesting generator. The kid is a projector and the mom is a reflector. So you have to give them language that they can talk with each other on. So doesn't create frustrations. Why are you like this? So it removes the why from the equation or the conversation and it gives you exactly the user manual. How I can get closer to you, how I can connect with you without both losing ourselves in the process. That's the beauty of it.
- [44:18]
B
Yeah, I can definitely see not only how this would benefit yourself and your own self discovery, but then impact your relationships as well. Guys, this is crazy. 85% of you who regularly watch this show or who are watching right now, do not subscribe. Please do me a favor and hit that subscribe button. It's the easiest way for you to support the show and it makes sure that I can continue to show up every single week and give you free incredible conversations. Now, as soon as you hit that subscribe button, let's get back into today's episode. And you know you've brought up that you work with couples and families and relationships in general. So I'd love to have a closing segment on relationships. Specifically, what's come to mind for me to start off with is, can a relationship survive when one person's changing faster than the other?
- [45:04]
A
Oh, I would say yes and no. And the reason being is it really depends on the dynamic of their relationship. If we are assuming that. Because I've seen both ways. So I'll talk about example one. For example, the couple has a strong foundation, they have a friendship. They've went through a lot ups and downs. They've seen different versions of themselves through it or throughout the journey. And then one of them decided to keep moving forward with the self development or therapy or self discovery or whatever it is. And the second person thought, I'm done. It's enough for me. In this case, if the foundation that they have built remained strong and solid, then they will be okay with the discomfort that comes from one person still growing and let's say fast pacing and the other person is just on. I don't want to say on the sideline, but just watching and observing and probably holding space for that growth without feeling threatened by it. So in this case, a lot of conversations take place catching you up. Here's what has changed or here What I realized, I realized that I have been people pleasing for a while. I need your help with this, for example. And the other person will be supportive. So in this case, the relationship will definitely survive and thrive. The second example would be where the person or the partner who's not doing the growth will feel threatened because what if she or he decides to leave me? What if it affects our relationship? What if she doesn't love me anymore? What if, what if, what if, what if? And instead of using those words when communicating, it becomes defensiveness, it becomes aggression, it becomes blaming, it becomes, you've changed. I don't know what happened to you. This is not how we do things in this house. It becomes more of accusation language rather than curiosity. So example one would be curiosity. Tell me more what's going on. What do I need to be aware of? There's this genuine, legit curiosity to learning what your partner is going through. The latter doesn't have that curiosity or doesn't want to show it because it's triggering them. So I would suggest, not suggest, there's no suggestion. But it really depends on the dynamic of the relationship, what they have built and the conversations they have with each other. Because you can't just decide, I'm going to grow and work on myself without letting you know. No, you'll have to inform your partner that things are going to be different moving forward. Here's how. Here's what I'm taking responsibility for and here's what I'm going to acquire from you. Are we good? Are we on the same page? Are we okay?
- [48:14]
B
Yeah, it makes sense. And I. And you know, when you think about that foundation and whether you've gone through things before, you do have that strong base, I suppose to then move through different, different things. Because I'm not sure if this is wrong or right for me to say, but I think it would be fair to say that if any person grows naturally, the dynamic of your relationship will change 100. You're a new, evolved, different version who's not the same version.
- [48:41]
A
And it would be delusional to think it won't.
- [48:44]
B
Yeah, but it's also delusional to think of relationship stagnant and the same forever. And in fact, I don't think anyone really wants that at the end of the day. And so it's interesting to just think about, you know, timing. Are you growing it? I think it's unlikely you're going to be both going through things personally at the same time, at the same speed, unraveling the same things. But that conversation piece is. Is very, very important in that process where you're unraveling, you're unlearning, or actually even if you're not right, just in a relationship in general. And I'm sure you've worked with couples on this, where perhaps somebody thinks it's their partner that's triggering them or creating a problem, but it's really just an internal block or thing that, that has come up for them, but they're blaming their partner for it. How do you understand what the line is there? How do you understand if it's something they're actually pissing you off about? You know, is it something that's really frustrating you that they're doing? Or if it's something that is triggering something within you that you need to deal with yourself?
- [49:48]
A
The line is blurry on this one. But here's what I would say a trigger is. Let's go back. A relationship is going to trigger you regardless. I am so done with those who say a healthy relationship will never trigger you. It will even more than a toxic relationship, because it's going to act like a mirror. It's going to show you what needs to be worked on or improved or the missing areas. Let's start with that and I'll share an example in a bit. The second part of it. How do I know if this is a trigger or just my partner is pissing me off? Let's assume your partner said something to you and you felt your body just getting heated up and you don't know why. This is where I go to the curiosity. This is what you said and this is how my body responded. I don't know where that came from. What did you mean when you said that? Because my brain said. Or my brain convinced me that you're saying this and this and this about me. So, for example, stop saying silly stuff. And you get triggered and you get pissed and you get. Because your brain interpreted that line as, you're the stupid one. Either someone, it could be one of the parents, one of the caregivers, one of the teachers, I don't know, someone said something similar to you and you responded to it. So you're trained, your system is trained to. When it hears some keywords, something you smelled, something you heard, whatever it is, it triggered the same reaction that you had the first time you were introduced to that situation. I would always start with curiosity. And it's not easy because you don't know what to do with it. Breathe. We always practice. Okay, breathe for three seconds, four seconds. Pause and then ask what you really want to ask. So I heard you say this. What did you mean when you said that? Because I'm feeling this. So when you said, I say silly things, my brain interpreted as I'm stupid. And is that correct? Is that what you meant? Oh, no, that's not what I meant. And I see it a lot. But what happens is that you see two kids facing each other, having an ego battle. Love me. See me. Give me attention. No, play with me. Give me my toy back. This is how it looks like when you're working with couples. So we work on what triggers them. How can they work together with it in very simple phrases or very simple tools that they can bring to the marriage or relationship? Now, the second part of it, or my partner is just pissing me off. It's gonna happen. The question that I usually ask. Is that something I can live with for 20 years? Because if. If yes, it's not really a big of a deal. Regulate your nervous system. Go for a walk and let it go. And I always say grace and space should be the two very important ingredients in any relationship. Because you're gonna piss each other off. And most of the time, it's not because of you two. It's something happened at work. It's something traffic. You didn't close the deal. Something. Something that really pissed you off somewhere else, and you don't have a space for it. And probably your partner would say something that just ticks you off. Not the right timing. We go back to the timing, not asking you the right question. So curiosity, connection, compassion.
- [53:41]
B
You said something before. You said healthy relationship will trigger you more than a not healthy relationship. What did you mean when you said that?
- [53:51]
A
I learned it from when I met my partner. I thought the healthy relationship. And it's a pattern that I see in other relationships and couples that I work with. You think it should be easy, it should be smooth, no arguments, and all of that, which is the case for most of the relationships. But it will trigger you to learn how to receive. How do I receive love and attention when I'm used to the deprive of it or for the lack of it? How do I trust that this person is really a good person and he's not lying to me? How do I have faith that this is going somewhere that is really good for me and it's not gonna backfire? It's trusting that good people exist or this partner is good for me, trusting that not anything that he says is coming as a criticism. It's actually Just coming as feedback or sharing an opinion, pushing you to love yourself. And there's no tricks or games or. It's straightforward having someone to hold space for your big emotions without. Without making you feel bad about it. This is very common, especially for people who have been unlucky in relationships before and have been on their healing journey. So you're a new version of yourself, and you enter this relationship. Everything is like. I don't want to say flowery, but it's. It feels easy. I'll give you an example. Our first argument, when we first met, it lasted for less than two hours. Less than two hours in my book. Back then, it wasn't. It was unheard of. What do you mean, we're done? We exchanged our perspective on it. Here's how I experienced things. Here's how I felt when you said this. I don't like it when you do this or that. And we just maturely went into that argument. And then once we were done, we were like, okay, for next time, I would really appreciate it if you don't raise your voice when you don't do that. Are we good? We're good. Are we on the same page? Yeah. Can I hug you? Sure. And you hug. And then that was one of the. Let's say, my favorite arguments. Because in my experience before, with my previous relationships, the argument can go for days and weeks. Silent treatment. The I'm gonna punish you because you didn't agree with me, or there's no such thing. In a healthy relationship, the trigger would be to trust it, to trust that this is normal. This is how it is. It is possible to have a happy marriage and work your life through it or work your way through it as a team. I am not against you. And it takes a lot of work to convince one or both. You're not defending yourself from each other. You're fighting life with each other, or you're fighting this problem or this challenge with each other, not against each other. What happens is that because the stress levels rise and you. You feel threatened, you're scared. You're this, and you don't know how to express it. It comes off as, I'm gonna need to protect myself from you. But you don't. So that's what I mean. The healthy relationship is going to trigger you. It's going to trigger you to put your guards down, to trust that this person is going to. I don't want to say fight because it's aggressive, but to fight life with you. Because I heard that somewhere, and it stuck with Me. Marriage is not hard. Life is building a solid and strong foundation with someone. Trusting that they have your best interest in heart. Even when they say the wrong things. Having the best intentions about your partner without questioning where it's. Where is it coming from? Do I deserve this love? Does he want something from me? Is that why he's being kind to me or vice versa? Because of all the bad experiences we've had before. So trusting all of that, working your way through it, accepting your differences, which I see a lot. He doesn't like to go out with me on weekends. She doesn't like me when I play PlayStation for men. B2. Be friends, be friends. Always remember your friendship when you're arguing, when you feel triggered. We're not hurting each other on purpose. So. Grace, space, connection, compassion. Yeah, that's what I would say. I hope that answered your question.
- [58:44]
B
Yeah. It reminds me of something my husband always says to me. He's much better at reminding me this than I am in the moment. He says, it's me and you.
- [58:53]
A
I get a problem. Yes.
- [58:54]
B
You know we're on the same team.
- [58:56]
A
Yes.
- [58:56]
B
Not against each other. He always reminds me that.
- [58:58]
A
So it's always I do that with my partner.
- [59:00]
B
Yeah. To have.
- [59:02]
A
We're the same team. We're friends. Remember? We're friends. Yeah. Sometimes adding humor or just.
- [59:09]
B
He's great at that.
- [59:10]
A
Sometimes it really helps to take the heat off the discussion because the minute. And it takes nine seconds from my experience, nine seconds to just take a breath, cool down. Okay. Now what are we going to do? I used to be the angry one. So now it takes me like 15 seconds to remind myself, rahaf. Take a breath. Take a breath. Express it. Let's cool down and we'll talk about it an hour. Sure. Okay. That will solve most of your problems, unless they're perpetual, which means problems that will never have a solution. You'll have to be okay with that. That's something else. But treating yourselves as kids sometimes really help. Adding humor to the scenario. You're not downsizing the problem or you're not undervaluing it. You're just playing. When you say play is important. And when you. I'll give you a story or I'll share a story about me being triggered. My partner was on a work trip and from my experience with my dad, he has always been working abroad. So for me, I learned that it's dangerous to work abroad. Something bad is going to happen. Oh my God. What if this? What if that through therapy I was okay with it or that's what I thought. And I met my partner, and I was put in the same situation where he comes to me and be like, I have a work trip and ironically goes to the same country where my dad used to work. Erica. My body went into danger. I feel like I'm dying. I feel like something is really dangerous. I go into panic mode, and my partner is on the phone. He has no clue what's going on. I was like, okay, so you're gonna be on a work trip for, I think it was a month or so. And you won't be connected or you don't know if you're gonna be connected. So means I might not have access to you, probably, but I'll do my best or whatever it is. I turn off the phone and I cry like I have just lost him. So that's my trigger where my brain tried to convince me. Oh, oh, oh. Danger. You're going to lose your partner the way you lose your dad. My steps were taking a breath. I spoke to someone I trust. This is what's going on. This is what's happening. I came back to my body. I came back to the moment and. Okay, it's not the same situation. It's not this perfect. I'm grounded. Grounded again. Called my therapist, booked a session, and then I called my partner back. I have to share something with you. This is what happened. This is how I reacted, and this is why. Oh, I didn't know that. Tell me more. How can I help? That was like, three years ago. Something like that. So self awareness, taking responsibility for regulating your emotions and then asking for what you need. Learn those three things, and it's gonna take a lot of unlearning and practicing and crying and being frustrated for not knowing what to say or for your partner not reading your mind. You should know what I need. We all say it. You should know what I need. You should know what makes me happy.
- [62:40]
B
What do you mean?
- [62:41]
A
I have to tell you exactly what I want. You have to be really clear in what you need from your partner.
- [62:47]
B
Yeah, definitely. They're actually three really beautiful steps. And I think a fourth piece to that is also having a partner that will meet you halfway. I think that's like, you know, a massive blessing and a gift if you. If you have someone. I say to my girlfriend, who's single all the time, it's about. For me, if I was single today and looking for someone. This is a trait my husband has for me. It's very important. He is open to growing. Right? So he is Never. Like, I know everything, and that's the end. He's always curious in what I'm curious about, and he always holds. But he's got this personality where he's just open to growing. And for me, that means he's never stuck and stagnant. Neither are we. And that's a very important, you know, an openness about him.
- [63:28]
A
Yeah.
- [63:29]
B
Just before we go, I want to ask one question that I just didn't get to ask you before, but I think it's really important. What is? How do people know if they're genuinely lost in life or they're just in a transition phase?
- [63:43]
A
They're going to feel the same. They're gonna feel exactly the same. Because when you're going through transition, you're also lost.
- [63:52]
B
So they're one in the same.
- [63:54]
A
It feels the same because lost in identity, lost in not knowing who I'm becoming. The difference, more or less, would be if just you narrow it down to one question. Do I trust the person I'm going with to the future? Do I like who I am? If you're lost, it could be. There's so much noise, external noise. So someone's telling you, stay in your job. The market is really not so good. Be grateful you have a job and you're getting a salary, while something inside of you tells you that you are done with the job. That could be. You're just. You know what I feel paralyzed. I wouldn't say lost. I would say paralyzed decision paralysis. Because I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want to look ungrateful. I don't want to look. Whatever that is. While when you are in a transition, you give yourself so much space or grace for growing into someone. It's like having a baby. You know that at some point they're gonna start walking and then running and then being themselves. But until then, you'll have to hold their hands step by step. Exactly what happens to us in a transition. And just recently, I felt like, oh, I can relax now, because I was going through a transition. And there are different ones. Erika, from my experience, I see people going into a transition that is unasked for. All of a sudden, everything disrupts. You lose the job, you break up, you want to cut your hair, you want to move abroad, all of these things. That's what shapes your personality moving forward. Another transition that happens because of the first one. And you know what? I outgrew this lifestyle. I feel I'm ready for something new. And you don't know what that New looks like. So curiosity, openness, just setting the intention. I'm open and ready to receive whatever is meant for me. Show me, that's how I'll be like. And then all of a sudden you're meeting people who can give you wisdom and advice or an opportunity to. Oh, I never knew that you were into podcasting. I know someone who has a studio. Would you like to give it a try? Oh, I would love that. So trust the feeling that you don't know how to express. Trust the feeling that you don't have words for. Like I always say, sometimes I just know things. I don't have proof. I can't prove it to you and I can't express it, but I know it. That is your gut, that is your intuition. There's something, there's an inner voice that already knows where you should be, but it can't do the work for you. So that's where I would start. That's where I would start. Are you doing it for other people? Are you doing it for yourself? 85%, that's just a made up number. There's a huge percent where the answer would be because I'm used to it. That's how we were doing things for a long time. My parents would be happy, my, my, my kids would be proud of me. It's, yeah, external. Let it be internal.
- [67:25]
B
I like that. Like letting the feeling even of what you don't know, but just that acknowledgement to self. Let that be enough. And I think if we go all the way back to the start of the episode, you know, in that high performer, I need to be doing and achieving, improving, learning that. Learning to have an emotion or having to overly justify, overly explain it and just know like, okay, this is showing me this, this, this, this discomfort or this thing is no longer aligned and actually just sitting with that, you know, whether you are lost and you need to bring a bit more intention or time or space to let that unravel. I always say the feeling of being lost just means something is no longer aligned. So it could also be a transition. But I think the key difference is the intention. Right, like and owning it. Or, you know, but there is a part where you do need to transition.
- [68:12]
A
The reason why I said it feels the same, that's the last thing I'm going to say is how many times did you travel somewhere and you had your GPS and you have the map and you're going one very specific place and then you got lost. You end up in the most beautiful coffee shop, the most beautiful place and you'd be like, oh, my God, you wouldn't see that place if you didn't get lost. Sometimes we feel lost, but we're just being redirected and we're so resistant and we're so like, no, let me go, let me go. Because we're scared and because it feels familiar and because you want to be in control, it requires a lot of unlearning. That's why I said it's going to feel the same. Lost and transitioning. So again, it depends from one person to another. Learn about yourselves. Get a human design reading. Work with someone who knows the way and who can show you the way. And that's it. Grace and space for yourselves.
- [69:09]
B
Beautiful. Well, Rahaf, I've really loved learning from you today. I love how everything you've shared has been framed as, you know, how we can be empowered and take control and understand ourselves. But there's also been a really beautiful community. Second piece of really leaning on other people, learning from other people, reaching out to your network, whether it's in relationships or just in your next step. And I think that's an often very unspoken secondary part. Your energy is wonderful. I'm so grateful to have this incredible gift, this human design reading that I can carry with me through life, life. And really spend some time learning to get to know myself better. So I will put links to where people can find you everywhere in the world, even here in Dubai. But really, really grateful for your time and energy. And thank you for being on the show today.
- [69:54]
A
Thank.
- [70:01]
B
You.