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Worrying is like praying to God for what you don't want. Your brain will think, if I'm thinking about this, I'm solving it. You have to learn to walk your brain or it will walk you.
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Today's conversation is the stress advice that will actually change your life from overthinking and overwhelm to finally feeling in control of your thoughts. This is a masterclass in breaking the stress patterns that consume you and learning how to feel calm again with stress expert, author and speaker Alice Law.
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I just lost my sister to cancer. My boyfriend had cheated on me. My relationship had gone, my finances, my family. My dad was depressed and got a health scare. They thought I now had cancer and I was miserable. I can't change any of these things. What can I do? I need to understand stress.
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What is the biggest difference in the way you look at stress?
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I used to look at stress just as this kind of insurmountable topic that I couldn't really tackle. I'm stressed. Well, where do I even begin? Actually, stress is very, very precise and when you can understand these different parts of you, it becomes much easier to manage.
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I feel like there is so much
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we need to get into as a society. We've been taught how to think and not how to feel. Doom scrolling. We'll be overworking, going into a room and forgetting. Lower energy, lower libido, even like over socializing. Look at your behavior. We just kind of go in these spirals thinking I am my thoughts and I've got no control over it in the moment.
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What is actually the most useful thing to do?
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People first of all need to understand
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that for someone listening who is stuck in that fear of the future, if they had to take one piece of advice from all your incredible work, what would you want them to really hear?
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A lot of the world right now feels very out of control for people and stressful. And I think if you remember one thing, it's about.
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All right, balancers. Welcome back to another episode of the Balance Theory. I'm really genuinely so excited for today's conversation because I know it's going to impact and change so many of our lives because it centered around a topic that impacts every single one of us and that is stress. Now this is not going to be another episode where we just talk about it and how we all know, you know, you've got to be stressing less in life. It's going to be practical, tangible, and it's going to actually teach you things about stress that mean you have a long term blueprint for how to deal with it and make every day just feel that bit lighter. So many of you have mentioned to me that you'd struggle with overthinking and feelings of being overwhelmed with. We're going to address all of that today. And joining me to workshop, this is the wonderful Alice Law.
A
Alice, welcome. Thank you so much for having me. It's wonderful to be here.
B
My pleasure. I would love for you to take us back because I know this journey and this I guess interest area of yours which has now evolved to the body of work that you really spend a lot of time looking at started from a personal experience. So take us back what we're doing at the time. What did this moment look like for you?
A
Yeah, gosh, it was, I always say to people, you know, it was kind of life I believe had to show me how calm life could be and then how stressful so I could really see the polarity. So I was lucky. Like growing up I had a pretty stress free life until about like age 18, 19, you know, except for my dad had cancer when I was three. But he recovered and you know, everything was well in that sense. But it was then like okay, life was like right now you've had this sense of real calm and stability. Now I want to show you how stressful life can be so you can really understand the difference. And that started for me. I was working, I was working financial services at the time. I just finished like I did a fashion degree and I thought I wanted to be in fashion. Like I never thought this was going to be my career. And so I'm going to go and after working in Netaporta after university I was going to go and get a job on the side and start my own fashion line. That was like my idea. And so I was like went to go and pa double double pa to two MDs at this financial services company. Stressful in itself, like fast paced and stuff. And luckily the guys were wonderful and who I was working for at the time because I basically experienced at that period of time every single part of my life had loss in and stress and it continually happened, one thing after the other. So that started when my wonderful sister was diagnosed, my older sister with cancer, colon cancer, out of the blue and she was ill with cancer for four years, recovered twice and then at that same time my dad's business, he was a successful self made entrepreneur and he like so many people after 2008 credit crisis really suffered with his company and was forced to put it into administration or face bankruptcy and we had to sell our home. We had so much financial instability out of the blue. And he got very depressed around this time because it was like his identity as a man and, you know, that provider and he was of that older generation, and obviously my elder sister being sick at the same, and he was just like, what is going on? And so that was the first time I really saw stress in my family. Do you know what I mean? There's that peace. And my dad was very. Started to get depressed and used kind of alcohol, sadly, as his way to kind of cope and numb, like so many people do. And during that time, I was, you know, my sister. Then we very sadly lost her to cancer.
B
Sorry.
A
It was. Thank you. And it was four days after my sister's funeral. My dad was rushed to hospital for blood clots. He'd been so depressed, he hadn't really been walking much. And they scanned his body, resolved the clot, but found that he now had cancer again. And he was like, at this point, he had a legal suit against him from a loss of investment from someone years before that he only managed to prove months and months later. So a lot of stress in the background with that. He'd had his company administration, he'd lost his daughter. He had sold our home. He was just really, really, really stressed. And this was his way of being like, I'm not even treating this. I'm just kind of giving up, basically. And I, at this point, can imagine I just lost my sister to cancer. I was, you know, I just had a breakup out of the blue. My boyfriend had cheated on me. After my sister's funeral, it was just like, everything. Do you know what I mean? I was just like, okay. My relationship had gone. My finances, my family. My sister had died. My dad was depressed. I was like. Then got a health scare from ibs. They thought that I now had cancer because my IBS was so severe from stress. And I was miserable. I really was miserable. And during this time when my sister was in hospital and over that period, I was like, I can't change any of these things. Like, I can't make my dad get treatment. I can't bring my sister back. I can't magic on my graduate salary, the finances, you know, all these different things. What can I do? And I realized, obviously the one thing I could do was how I responded to stuff. And so I started to just delve into, like, studying at the time, self studying. I was like, I need to understand stress from the mind, from the emotions from the body, from the energy, from the soul. And I delved into it and. And like I said to you before, I was like, it wasn't really something that people were talking about online then. It was like, you know, Instagram was just pictures of people on holiday. And that was pretty much it. And so I basically brought myself out of it and I was like, okay, this stuff really works. And then to add a bit more stress, I got made redundant out of the blue because my company was leaving the UK market. But that turned out to be a blessing in disguise because it led me to like set up this whole thing and train in different aspects and put together my own programs. And then four years after my sister died, my dad was rushed to hospital again, but not for the cancer. And he actually we lost him to three weeks later to a birth stomach ulcer that had accumulated from severe stress. And so that kind of solidified. I was already doing this work and that's what then led me to like co author the book with Mo and then carry on with all of this. But it was, you know, a lot of stress essentially brought me to here. And that's why I really understand it on a very, like, personal level, but also how much it affects not just you as an individual, but your family, your community, the people around you. And that's what I really want people to realize.
B
Thank you for sharing that very intense period of your life. What do you think? Right, if you reflect you pre going through that period, even maybe at the beginning to you post going through that period, what is the biggest difference in the way you look at stress that you think would really mirror the way a lot of people now look at stress?
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And yeah, so I say now, like, stress is your signal. It's not the enemy. It becomes the enemy when you miss the signal. And this is what people end up doing is like we ignore the signs of it in different aspects of ourself. And I used to look at stress at the beginning, just as this kind of insurmountable topic that I couldn't really tackle. So I'm stressed or where do I even begin?
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Right?
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And for me, what I learned through all that and all the research I did and the work we created was that actually stresses very, very precise. And you get stress mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. And when you can understand these different parts of you, it becomes much easier to manage which part of you stressed, if that makes sense. And to see it also as something that you can change and limit. There's a lot of stress that we can talk about, you know, that really people let in without Realizing that we can change. So it's about understanding what that is versus the stuff you can't change and then being able to deal with both in the different ways.
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Yeah, it's a funny conversation. Isn't control in general, Right. Because control is such an illusion. Like, the truth of the matter is that none of us are really in control of much of our lives at the end at all, really. Nothing's guaranteed, really. But we have a percentage of it that we can always control. And what we always have to remember is that no matter whatever's going on in your life, you can always control your inner thoughts, your internal state. That's always your autonomy, right. And so you have agency over that. And it's basically, I think, for people to understand, okay, with stress, right, Your brain is there to keep you safe. It's not there to make you happy. And so unless you tap into the point of training the system, because basically, to simplify it for people back in the day, our stress response was there for our survival, right? Your fight and flight goes off. A lion was coming out of the bushes or a neighboring tribe was coming to attack us. Your stress response goes off, fight and flight. You get cortisol, adrenaline, noradrenaline, all these hormones that basically reconfigure you temporarily to be superhuman, fight the lion, run away. And then once the threat was over, you would go back into parasympathetic rest and digest state, which is when your body is actually able to do things like, see from a wider perspective and digest your food and all these things. Because whilst people think, okay, well, you know, I'm so good at thinking and stuff when I'm stressed. Biologically, you're not your prefrontal cortex, which is the part of your brain that literally allows you to, you know, rationalize, see from a wider perspective, have empathy, emotionally regulate, goes temporarily offline, right? So you are only good with stress short term. And that's what helps you perform better, win a race, speak on stage, you know, get a deadline in over a short amount of time. But the average person today is being flooded with micro stress chronically in the background. So we're just building up, building up, building up. And so we're simmering in this state that makes us feel stressed. And then things like uncertainty and stuff are going to stress us out anyway. Because the nervous system looks for familiarity, it looks for routine. And anything that we're like, well, that's not normal. I can't see that. Humans love to be able to be like, okay, I can see that. I can control that. That's safety done. Right. So it's about training our nervous system to basically upgrade ourselves essentially to manage it in this modern world that we've created that feels very uncertain in different ways and actually stresses us out from tiny little things that are setting off our system like, you know, digital devices, traffic, all these minor things which now our nervous system treats as the lion, even though it's not. And so uncertainty and stuff like that is about creating certainty within your own nervous system and creating certainty within your own mind when you can't create certainty in your outside world. So, so things as simple as, for example is like I say to people, like, if you are feeling completely uncertain about like what's going on in your life right now, how do you create micro certainty in your routine so that your nervous system at least sees some familiarity? So it's like even things as simple as, okay, you wake up at that time every day or you have a hot drink at 11am every day and that becomes a tiny micro signal to your nervous system. Oh, okay, that's something we do every day, that's fine. That's certainty.
B
Right.
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So you can build certainty within your own life that you can always control. And then it's about actually learning which we can go into in different ways, like managing that internal conversation, the emotions, the regulation for this insert the uncertainty that you cannot control.
B
Yeah, we're definitely going to get into those tools. I want to circle back to one thing you said before, which is, you know, these micro stresses that slowly build up, I think that's almost more dangerous than something that's so obviously a stress because we can be like high functioning but have all these things going on in the background and miss those signals. Right. So what does that look like when you've got these micro stresses when you're maybe starting to get the signals but you know, you're trying to navigate that with, well, I've just got to get stuff done or I've got to, you know, I've got deadlines in my job or I'm running this business, or I respond, you know, responsible for a family, like what are the signs that most people ignore?
A
Yeah. So I think even for the signs, I'll tell you what you can do to limit the micro because I think it's like, you know, when you say, okay, well everyone has these little things in the background and whilst we can't control a lot of it, we can control an enormous amount and it's the stuff that we think, like you say is insignificant that actually has a huge effect that builds up so things like, for example we saw in our research, we call these micro external stresses nuisances in our ton model in our book, which shows you where stress is coming from externally, internally and macro micro. And the micro external are these nuisances which are littered throughout the modern world and they raise our stress response just tiny bit. Building block, building block, building block. So it's when someone wakes up in the morning to an aggressive factory setting alarm that jolts them out of bed rather than a soothing sound. It's when you have like multiple phone notifications. The first thing you look at is all the things in your phone and your emails and your whatsapps and your, you know, social media comments, all these different things and you know, traffic, those things might seem so like, well, what does that matter? That's just part of our life now. Yeah, it is part of our life, but it's a controllable part of our life. So one of the parts I always say to people is, you know, we write this in the book on stressful. It's like you have to limit the needless stress in your life to bring your stress threshold down so that when the stuff that's uncontrollable in your life gets added on top, your stress threshold isn't already at its maximum from really stupid things essentially makes sense. And so it's like, okay, every week I say like on Sunday evening, on Monday morning, whichever time you have that's helpful, sit down, write down all the things that stressed you or all the nuisances, those micro external things, and choose to limit. First of all, you can do as many as possible, but three minimum every week. But like, okay, this week I'm gonna not watch the news 17 times a day, I'm gonna check it once a week or whatever. You know, even things like that, people like, well, I need to know what's going on. It's like if something as big as say what's happened here recently, it's like every day that was going on, someone you love was telling you what was going on, right? So it's like we can limit our exposure to these things. So I say to people every single week, take an inventory, write down all the micro stress, cut out three minimum and keep doing that as a practice so that you bring down that bit of your stress threshold to start with. And then you can start to see the signals of what I call like the four languages of stress, right? So we say you get mentally stressed emotionally, physically and spiritually, and every single part of us speaks to you in A different way and has a different kind of stress. And so that was the premise of like the whole part of unstressable was to basically show people this is your stress language in these parts. And when you notice the signs which I can go through, then you're like, oh, that's the bit I need to deal with. Right? So mental stress, for example, is when we are in our minds, we're worrying about the future all the time, we're ruminating about the past. It's what ifs. You're finding it really hard to just be present in the moment because you're always thinking, thinking about stressful things or what if, what next? What that you find that you are falling to sleep with racing thoughts or you're waking up in the night like with racing thoughts again and hard. Finding it hard to focus. Emotional stress, you either feel a certain way or you'll behave a certain way. So today, so many people like, I'm not emotionally stressed, I'm fine. And the emotional side would be feeling overwhelmed, anxious, easily irritated, you know, stressed, snapping at loved ones or even like lower mood and fatigued. But people are like, no, no, I don't feel like that. Because we've, you know, become so, you know, used to it and suppressed our feelings, right? As a society, we've been taught how to think and not how to feel. And so people will, you know, push it down. But then our behavior shows us if we're emotionally stressed. So we'll instead do those things to suppress our emotions. Like we will, you know, comfort eat and we will binge watch Netflix for hours rather than just being able to sit with a feeling in ourselves and be alone. We'll be like doom scrolling. We'll be overworking, we'll be going into a room and forgetting because your memory become, become, you know, impaired when you have had chronic stress over time again, lower energy, low libido, you know, all these just little things and have over, even like over socializing because you want to just distract. Distract, right. So it's like, okay, look at your behavior because that might be a sign for your emotion. Physical again, it might seem like, oh, that's so obvious. But people will be like, that's got nothing to do. I'm not stressed. The amount of friends I've had who've come to me and said some of these things that I'll say to you and they're like, but I just don't know why. And I'm like, have you heard what's going on in your life right? Now, of course, this is why, you know, so it's things like tension headaches. It's, you know, muscle aches, neck aches, backaches, digestive issues. Huge one with stress. Because when our stress response is on over a period of time, it shuts down our digestion because our body is far wiser than the mind. And it will basically be like, well, why would I want to digest a steak if I'm about to become a steak myself, essentially? You know, so digestive issues, ibs, constipation, things like stomach ulcers, higher cholesterol, raised blood pressure, inflammatory skin, things like, you know, psoriasis and eczema, even, like, thinning hair, hormonal fluctuations. And then of course, the more sinister things like type 2 diabetes, heart disease. And now studies are showing even, you know, cancer expressing, you know, genes can be turned on through stress. So those are all the physical sides. And then spiritual, which is one that actually no one had talked about before. And it was a concept that I'd realized when I was going through that period of time with my dad, wanting him to get treatment for cancer. And I was basically trying to control the uncontrollable, like we all do, like someone else's decision pushing against what life was doing. And so we become spiritually stressed in two ways. Either when we're totally out of alignment with the truest, most authentic version of ourself, when we're not listening to our soul self and we don't know even who we are without answering with a label like, so people say like, I'm a mom, I'm a doctor, I'm a lawyer. And it's. That's not who you are, it's what you are. So it's like who you know, what is your essence, like, what actually makes you up and being disconnected from our intuition. Or you'll be like, well, I know who I am. I'm connected to my intuition. But then we just totally disregard what our intuition says, and we end up, you know, in a situation where, you know, you said no, but you felt yes. And then later down the line, you're like, I knew I shouldn't have done that. And you find yourself stressed because of something you could have listened to your instinct for, right? So those are kind of the language signals. And then every single one has its way of being able to be dealt with, essentially. So once you are like, okay, well, I always say to people, you'll have a primary and a secondary. Usually, you know, we have like a free quiz, for example, on stressful it shows you your stress score and your score in each one. And I was, you know, when I'm working with people in companies and stuff, it's like primary is the first one you tackle, then the secondary and everything else starts to fall into place. Right. And most people, I will say because we've had, I think over 38,000 people now have taken this in companies and different things with had two and a half years of data on it. Most people's primary is mental and their secondary that keeps it driving forward is emotional. And. But the average person today will deal with their stress when it gets physical and it's like, don't let it get to that because the reason for that is the mental and emotional pushing you to that, if that makes sense.
B
This is so interesting thinking about the four types of stress. I actually want to spend a section coming up on the spiritual because I think this is very untapped and very aligned with the audience and myself.
A
I love talking about spiritual ones.
B
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A
Yeah. So I. I will say this to people as well. My primary that I've always had to work on the most myself has always been mental stress. Right? And it's funny because you look at these things and everyone will have something that they suffer with more. Moses always been physical. And so we laugh because it's like, okay, I know how to do that very easily and la la. And mental stress is a huge one for people. And for me, it's like, about getting that strength to train your brain, right? And people first of all need to understand that your brain will say yes to everything you want it to do. But what are we feeding it? We feed it thoughts of stress. So essentially you'll be in your head going, oh, my God, but what about that? You know, worrying about this? And your brain will go, yes, let's worry about that more. What else can I bring you to think about that? That's the next thought, the next thought, next thought, next thought. If we pause and start to, first of all, become aware of when we're in the spiral, that spiral. Point number one. It's like, notice when you're spinning around in your head and just be like, okay, I'm spinning. Pause. So just create a moment of space, take a deep breath and then direct your brain to. So in the book in Mental Stress, you know, Mo had said, bring brain, bring me a useful thought. Which is very helpful because you can always. You always need a useful thought.
B
Right?
A
I then went and, like, changed this a bit to add on because it was so effective. I was like, okay, if someone's anxious, you can literally say to them, your brain, brain, bring me a calming thought. If someone even says that in this moment inside their head, you can say it out loud or internally. So you can do it wherever you are. If you say, brain, bring me a calming thought, you'll notice the feeling in your body even goes, voom. Because Your body is responding, your brain is doing exactly what you're asking it to. So it's like in that moment, pattern interruption is what it's called. It's like, okay, what thought do I need? Do I need a motivational thought? Do I need a calming thought? Do I need a useful thought? Like Mo says, whatever it is, a happy thought, and tell your brain, this is the thought I need. Brain, bring me X thought, and it will. And so you can start to train it that way. And another quick one that I use is basically to cancel the thought. So it's like to just pause and change the thought. Be like, okay, pause and just say twice in your mind, cancel, cancel. And then again decide, okay, what's the thought I want? You know, then go on the tangent that you need, essentially. So it's about, first of all, the awareness of when you're spiraling and then just direction directing your brain to bring you what you need, not what it's decided to take you on a tangent of. So it's really. You know, I had a teacher in America who once said to me, they were like, you have to learn to walk your brain, like, you know, the way a dog was walking. Like, you have to. Your mind's like a Rottweiler. You have to learn to walk it or it will walk you. And I don't think that people understand how to walk their brain. You know, it's like how to bring it back. We just kind of go in these spirals thinking, I am my thoughts and I've got no control over it. But actually, because the brain is looking for threats all the time to keep you safe, we have to change that and say, no, this is what I actually want to do. Because most of us are very privileged to be in a place where we are, you know, safe and in the modern world, right? And so we don't need to be worrying about that except for the car coming down the road. But we need to be thinking, okay, what do I actually need my brain to do to help me to feel good in this modern world and to not stress me out more.
B
It's interesting, though, because that. That internal voice, you know, and you said we're not trained to understand how to walk or like, you know, redirect our brain. That internal voice, it just feels like us. It's very hard unless you consciously do it, to separate yourself from that voice inside your head. But that awareness of knowing, you know, it is something I can redirect, or those quick tips that you've just given, which are Situational, which I think are fantastic, are ways to start doing that. But no doubt, and I'm sure you're gonna say yes to this question. It's something you need to practice and strengthen over time. Especially if you're anywhere between the ages of 25 and 40, you've spent that much time not training it, you know, it's gonna take time for you to get to a point where you can pattern interrupt on autopilot. For people who feel like. Because I feel like sometimes a tricky piece of reality, and I mean, you know, this firsthand from the experience you've shared, is you feel like there is merit in thinking about things.
A
Right.
B
And I think there's like a fine line between genuinely planning and, you know, like, contingency. Thinking about situations, perhaps in the future, perhaps that are in that space of the unknown, but then maybe veering into overthinking. So what is that fine line where you're actually being productive and planning for things versus you're overthinking and really just stressing yourself out more than you need to?
A
Yeah, I love that because I always think about that, you know, concept of worrying is like praying to God for what you don't want. You know, you're literally going over and over and over something that you don't want to be your reality in your head. Because your brain will think, if I'm thinking about this, I'm solving it. Because again, your brain's function is to keep you safe. So it's like, okay, well, let's just keep thinking about this. What about this? What about this? So we have to understand. It's like, okay, first of all, asking yourself, is that thought that you're having, that initial thought fact, or is it fiction, right? To be like, okay, well, if that's the fact, okay, well, then what can I do about this? What's the actions that I can start to take and start to actually write the list down and do those things, like whether it's micro or macro, big or small. And then when you've realized, okay, there's nothing else I can do, the rest is then my internal voice and the story I'm creating around this. So it's not in the present moment, it's not my reality yet. That internal voice of worry doesn't exist in the moment that you're in, if that makes sense. Because the worry is about something you are projecting into the future that might happen versus what's happening in the now. So to then come back again to that thing of being like, okay, every Day to even I say to people, it's like, have little things that make you check in with your brain to direct it in the way that you need. So to start with that, like when you're in a spiral as well, to say fact or fiction, and then write down and do the actions, like I said. But then to train your brain every day to that kind of conversation, that less worrying conversation it's about also, like, okay, if you can wake up in the morning and you have a post it note on your bedside table that literally says and reminds you that the first thought you have that day should be an intentionally useful thought or intentionally calm thought, that's how you start to be like, okay, well this is the thought this morning. We're gonna have a great day. Or like, I'm a great person, whatever it is that you need, okay? Because otherwise we wake up and we just start to think about all the things we're stressed about. We start to think about our to do list. And so it's about having tiny little cues in your environment that help you, like, whether it's like a little, you know, calendar reminder on your phone three times a day saying, like, brain, bring me a calming thought, you know, or like brain, bring me a kind thought about myself as well. You know, people talk about gratitude as this thing that's like, oh, it's so whimsical, you know, and everyone's heard it online. It's this buzzword. The reason for gratitude with the brain and stress is that it actually decreases your stress and anxiety. But equally, I say to people like, you need to learn how to be grateful if you want like real brain training with gratitude. It's like think of, I say, five by five gratitude, so five things in your outside world, but five things that you're grateful for within yourself as well, to build up that confidence and self confidence every day and that kind of conversation. Because we are, particularly as women, our own worst enemy in our head, you know, we can think of all the things that are wrong with us or all the things that we're doing wrong, or this isn't enough, or I'm not enough. And we have to train our brain to be our biggest cheerleader again. And that starts with deciding, okay, well, I can be really grateful for the fact today that, you know, I woke up and had a lovely conversation with someone. I'm a kind person, you know, I mean, it's like just saying those things was, you know, those little things that really help again. And if you are equally with gratitude and training the brain there. It's like if you're worrying about something and you're stressed about something, tell your brain to find things to be grateful for within that stress. You know, that's like another level of, kind of extension of it, you know, if you can find something to be grateful for within the stress and train your brain to look for that, that's like building a muscle of repetition that you honestly will pay you back so much when you realize in three months time. Because it'll look for the solution rather than the problem and start to rewire your brain to do that. And that's what we want, right? Because if it's looking to keep us safe and for those threats, if you can train it to look for the solution and the threat rather than the problem, and spiral just through repetition, pausing and doing stuff like that, you start to shift it quite quickly.
B
Yeah, I think, I think we all know the power of our brain, but when you actually start seeing it work in real time in your life, it is pretty powerful. And I always say it's not so much about what's actually going on, it's the story you tell yourself about what it means about you. Because I've, over the years, you know, I've gone on my own personal growth journey. I'm nowhere near at the end. I think it's a lifelong evolution. But I've noticed quite interestingly when things are going on in my life and I'm telling myself a story that I'm not enough or no one, no one cares, or whatever, whatever the story is, my reality reflects that equally. When I'm in a, you know, in an energy where I'm. My brain is cheering me on and I'm looking for all those perspective resheets and reframes, I suddenly find my environment reflects that as well. So, you know, we're going to get into the spiritual. But the power of the brain is incredible. Even my husband was saying there was some stuff coming out on Twitter I can't quote exactly because this is just verbatim what he was telling me he found interesting. People were wearing the whoop watches, right, which track your sleep, and they would automatically wake up, see a bad score and feel worse versus just waking up and just telling themselves. They were comparing I had a great sleep and then instantly their energy shifted into that. So the power of what you tell yourself is so important. But the pattern, interruption and getting in the habit, increasing that muscle of actually doing it is like another ballpark. But I like how what you've shared is kind of like, put the steps, put the pieces in your environment to make it easier for you. And on this note, I'm actually really curious, what do you do in your own personal life in terms of from the moment you wake up to throughout the day, that have helped you sort of strengthen this muscle?
A
Yeah, it's. I mean, it is. It's like you say, it's using your environment and using these cues to help you. So I start, for example, you know, I don't have kids yet, so I'm aware of how, like, people's kids in the morning can be the first thing they have to deal with in terms of being woken up. So it's about, then I'll tell you what I do, and then you can give yourself that back at another point in the day. Right. So if you have a child and you think you're listening to this and you don't have this particular space before, I will just say, if you can just have a poster on the side of your bed and the first thought, that first thought you have is positive, that will help you, or one grateful thought as soon as you wake up, and then you can do something else later. But I basically keep my phone on airplane mode, for example, so I will not check my phone until I've created the space for my brain and myself and my prayers and whatever it is in the morning.
B
Right.
A
Because your attention is being manipulated by your phone and you have to ask, okay, where do I want my attention to go? Do I want my attention to go to all the stresses in the world, all the things I need to stop solve, and inverted commas that I can't straight away? Or do I want my attention to go on me, collecting myself to be the best version of myself so I can show up for all the people in my life, myself, my work, everyone, in the best way I can. That's what everyone really wants. Right? But if we don't have the space in some way in the morning, then you're basically training your brain to look for stress in the day instead. So I basically. Airplane mode. I will then, you know, take a deep breath before I get out of bed and be like, okay, bring me a nice thought or whatever it is set, like a nice intentional thought. I will then get up, make a nice soothing, like, hot lemon, because I don't drink coffee. I will say this to people for the first 90 minutes because your cortisol levels are naturally highest to get you out of bed in the morning, and then they naturally drop after 90 minutes. So if you're an anxious person, do not have coffee on an empty stomach. As soon as you wake up, you'll think at the beginning I could never do that. Push it back 15 minutes continually and get to that 90 minute bit gradually and you'll be like, okay, that's changed my anxiety level. Or have food, you know, at that time with the coffee. So I basically will make a soothing drink. Then I will do. I'm very big on like out loud prayers. And so I will go for a walk and talk to God out loud. And so people don't think I'm insane, I always put my headphones in and pretend I'm on the phone and basically just say like, it's about I pray for essentially to change my internal state rather than to like, I want this, I want that. It's like, okay, I pray for the state I know I need to have to create the things that I want essentially and feel really aligned. Do that prayer walking. And then when I get back, I will either if I'm feeling in my mind's busier that day, I'll do a journal dump of just like how do I feel today and how do I want to feel? And notice the difference between the two answers if they're the same or if they're similar, you know, or if they're completely different. If they're the same, then I'll then get up, do, you know, do some exercise or move on to the next bit and do a little meditation. If they're far apart, I then say to myself, okay, what's one micro thing I can do to help me shift into the state that I want to feel rather than the one I currently am this morning? Because sometimes we do wake up some days and we just don't feel great, right? So you're like, okay, well let's not sit in that. Let's decide what I can do about it. You know, I do do meditation and stuff like that, but for me it's about waking up with an intentional thought. It is not looking at my phone until I've done all this out loud prayers and walking either. A little bit of journaling and meditation exercise and then I'll get on with my day. And you know, sometimes this can look a lot shorter, right? You can have a very busy morning and I'll just be like, right, okay, it's intention prayers and moving my body this morning, right? And that's it. And I think it's always about giving yourself five minutes to half an hour, whichever one you can, and just doing something intentionally that brings your attention back to what you want rather than what the world's deciding for you.
B
Yep. And I really want to mirror the phone one because pre Baby.
A
Yeah.
B
I had something similar scheduled to you. But, you know, since having my daughter, who. Who is my now alarm club, which. Which is a lot nicer than the glaring sound I had before, you know, I've still been able to keep a thread of some of that before. Obviously, priorities have shifted and now those things have spots in other parts of the day. But the thing I've kept is the airplane mode. I do this too. And I really want to challenge everyone listening to try it. Because even if you have do not disturb, you can accidentally see things. Just having that control of I'm deciding when the world is getting my attention and having that space to actually say, I'm just going to do what I want at the beginning and not have my energy distracted. And because the reality is if my mom's message, me, my sister, my best friend, I've got a question from work.
A
Of course you're going to answer.
B
Yeah. Or get excited about a new partner, you know, sponsor coming on the show, it just instantly pulls me in. So the airplane mode for me is my line in the sand to be like, I'm deciding when the world gets my attention. But for the morning, I'm just going to sit with my girl. I'm going to have my coffee, 90 minutes, you know, do what I need to do. And then I'm like, okay, now I'm ready to be distracted. Yeah. It's not necessarily the worst thing, but it's more like we're. And I always tell myself, and if you're someone who struggles with this, I always used to tell myself, because it was hard in the beginning, I'm on my phone all day. I can be on my phone all day. This is sacred time. And I just learned to like, just
A
really relish in it and it's so important. And a tip, I will tell people actually right now if they, you know, they might have been. I know. I noticed I was on my phone a lot more from like, what's just happened in Dubai. Right. You're checking the news, you're catching up with friends. You had alerts all the time. So I've been in a brain retraining frame at the moment because I've noticed I spent more time on my phone than I usually would allow. You, like, reverted. Yeah. And so putting your phone on grayscale, black and white, one of the quickest, best tips to make your Phone less appealing to your brain. I cannot even tell you how boring scrolling is when it's in black and white. You're like, well, this is dull. No. Next. So it's like doing those tiny little things like that just to make your phone less appealing and then putting the airplane mode on and putting, say, like, a timer on your Instagram for 45 minutes a day. So, you know, then at least. Okay, well, I've done 45 minutes today. It's my active choice if I refresh for another 15 minutes or just say ignore. Right. So at least you're helping yourself with these tiny little. Again. Cues. Yeah.
B
Yeah. Amazing. I want to dive into the spiritual angle of stress because I think this is interesting and no one's really spoken about it on the show before. Do you think if someone is fully aligned spiritually, they would experience no stress?
A
No. So I think you'd experience no spiritual stress. Right. So we will always experience the mental, emotional, or physical based on our environment or the thoughts we're having, or whether we're processing our emotions or even if our environment's setting off our physical stress and that side. But if we're aligned, we'll experience much less spiritual stress. And what I mean by that is that, you know, spiritual stress, I always say to people, which is quite fascinating to me, that we talk about in the UK and I don't know if this is the same in Australia, but it's like the midlife crisis. And I'm like, that is not a midlife crisis. That is spiritual stress. You're totally out of alignment with the truest, most authentic version of yourself. And you feel a lack of purpose. You feel disconnected, and, you know, that's that sense of, like, this crisis. My God, who am I? What am I? What am I doing? And then people go on this journey, find themselves again. It's about finding your soul that was always there, Right? It was about finding that authenticity that we all have. And the outside world will tell us who we're meant to be, who we should be. Right. And it's not actually what's designed for us. I believe that every single soul has a unique expression blueprint that we're here to give some people's. And I don't even like the word purpose because purpose is, I think, overused. It's like you can have a sense of purpose in your daily, tiny actions. Right? Like how you play with your daughter that day and do it in the most, you know, present way. That's a real sense of purpose within that day. Like we can have micro purpose in moments every single day. And it's basically about like, for me, it's about getting people to realize that you need to connect back to that core authenticity for you and find that. And so I say to people, like even going back to asking a simple question as a starting point, it's like, okay, what would my soul do? And the soul is the side of you that is not attached to what people think, what labels you have, what your parents are telling you you should be doing, or what job you think you should have because society said this or that. It's like what actually makes me feel
B
good is that intuition.
A
So intuition for me, like people will say, okay, what's the difference between my anxiety and intuition? The two voices, anxious and fear, will basically start to go darted around, right? Your anxiety and fear will be like, what about this? What about that? What about that? And it can give you a feeling of, oh, that's wrong. That doesn't mean it's your intuition. Your intuition is so calm, so clear, so steady, so quick, so decisive. It's just like, no, you know, there's no story attached to it. It's just like a simple yes you should or no you shouldn't, or, you know, it's that feeling of just like, okay, done. It doesn't take you on this wild goose chase in your head and then you get even more confused, right? That's your fear speaking. So intuition in the soul, right? Your soul is always trying to talk to you through your intuition. That's the bridge to your soul, I believe. And in the same way, like also being connected to your heart is the bridge to your soul. It's like really getting into that space. And I think a lot of people today are scared for the answer they might hear because they're scared to go against what they've been programmed to believe is right for them. Right? And that's why people can have the most successful career and feel miserable and then later have this inadvertent commas, midlife crisis, spiritual stress, because they've been going against what they really is, is right for them. What, what life really was designed for them to be. And I think it's, it's about following the cues, right, of what lights you up and what those kind of calm yeses and goodness feels for yourself and for people to really start to have the confidence to build up in themselves of, okay, well, this is who I am, right? Okay, I actually, you know, that's not what my family believe. That's not what people around Me believe. But starting to build our confidence muscle to start to do tiny little things that are like, okay, well that's for me, that's for me, that's for me. And starting to also build your intuitive muscle. Because the intuition's a bit like in the same way we can work the brain, our intuition will get stronger the more we actually listen and act on it. So it's like being kind of, I always say to people, you can sit down and tune in. Right. So I have a process called the intuitive questioning process, which is basically I will say to everyone, sit down if you're feeling like confused about something and in a quiet room by yourself at some point for like 15, 10 minutes and just close your eyes, you know, light a candle, create a nice space if you can, or go into nature and just sit down, take a deep breath, close your eyes and just come to your center. So bring your awareness. First of all, you can kind of feel the energy of your mind buzzing around. It's like breathe deeply and just imagine bringing that awareness to down through your body until that energy is settled in your sort of heart space essentially right in your center. And then place your hands over that and just breathe into it. And then like you would your brain quite literally speak to your soul. So say soul and you can say it out loud or internally. What do I need to know about X? Or what do I need more of? What do I need less of? You know, these very simple questions and allow the answer to come from the awareness of this space. Not up here, but just a simple kind of like, oh, that was from there, you know, that heart centered space and just starting to really get into that conversation weekly, like really sitting with yourself and your soul and connecting to it. You know, so often we just spend so much time busy, busy, busy, you know, distraction, distraction. And we don't take the time to just sit with our soul in silence and just ask it. Yeah, quite simply, like, what do I actually need? You know, and sometimes the answer will surprise us, sometimes it won't make sense at the time. And then later you're like, oh, that was interesting. And it's. Yeah, I think it's just about, you know, really strengthening that conversation and also starting to really understand who you are, what makes you happy beyond the outside, you know, material labels of the world essentially. Right. Because that's what the soul is like. At the end of the day when we all leave here, that's what we leave with is our energy, our essence, our soul. So what is that essence made up of? If none of the things around you were here, if that makes sense.
B
Yeah. And you said something at the beginning which has just resparked now, which is, you know, we, not a lot of us can explain who we are without saying what we do. So to really frame this for people, can you tell us who you are?
A
Yeah. You know, it's funny, it's like I used to not even know. I used to not know who I was, I think at one point, like so many of us, right. And for me, I. Now I'm like, okay, well, if everything's taken away from me, what is my soul for me? I'm someone who, you know, it's like, what do I also value as well? You know, I'm someone who truly does value calm. I feel like I'm a very calm soul at my core. I grew up that way. Like I said, my mom always said to me, you were a very calm child. And I think that was one of my sole gifts, essentially. And that's kind of why it's come out as a way to show people how to come back to their calmness. But, you know, I'm someone who's very calm, who is super curious. You know, curiosity is a huge part of my soul. I don't ever want to stop learning about people and their stories and their souls and what makes them up. I'm definitely an explorer. Like, I can't stay in one place in terms of. I have a very big sense, sort of, what's the word, two sides. It's like polarity of. I need my home. I'm a very big creature of comfort and my soul really needs to be grounded in like a, you know, safe, like little home environment. But then I also need the freedom to be able to explore and travel. Otherwise it goes a bit stir crazy. And I think as well, you know, I'm definitely. I think my soul is definitely here. It's. I have very expansively, kind of, I think, how do you say this without it sounding strange, but like, I feel like my soul is here to kind of bring a vision that I see for a lot of other souls to life that makes sense. And that vision for me is really about getting people to come back to the calmest, most authentic version of themselves and remove like stress and stuff from this human side of our life and really step back into, like, what is that? That calm, authentic version which we all have, but no one seems to remember how to access it because of the modern world we've created.
B
Right.
A
So, you know, those are some of the Things I think of for sure. And yeah, it's just, it's, yeah, going into those essences, right? And there's so many more layers. I could bore people away. But it's like asking yourself, you know, what are those things that actually make you you and that even your friends see in you sometimes that you don't see in yourself.
B
Because like your personality, is that a way to.
A
So it's like your, it's like if you think of your personality, it's like the kind of layer on top and then the essence is kind of like, okay, if I am a soul, my personality could be that I'm a very energized and funny person. Say someone's listening, but like your, your soul's essence underneath that is that you're a very kind of alive and, you know, what's the word? Like alive and energized person, but alive and energized soul. It's like the soul is really just this pure part of you, right? So it's like asking yourself the question even of, okay, how many. If you can ask about your personality, it's like write down all the versions of you. Like, for example, if you're someone listening to this and you know, you are ambitious and stuff like that, it's like, okay, there's the ambitious, hard working side of you. That's that driven side, right? But there's also the calm side of you. There's the, you know, intuitive side of you. There's the kind of peaceful. It's just finding out which ones really, when you think of those layers, make you very happy when you access them, right? So you feel like, oh, no, that really is true for me. Because some people will say like, they're ambitious, but they hate it. They hate being ambitious, right? It doesn't give them energy. So it's like, what are the kind of layers of your personality and your values that truly energize you is how I'd ask people to look at it. Because the ones that don't are the ones that are kind of going in the opposite direction of your authenticity.
B
I think that's quite a workshoppable way of looking at what is my soul. Who. Who am I? It's such a daunting question, but I think it's a very important exercise to undergo. I don't think we've got a lot of time left. But I do want to ask you something which I think is very interesting in this day and age. And that is we talk about, you know, intuitive. This intuitive and emotional Intelligence. How do we keep that so strong when it's so easy to outsource so much of our thinking to AI?
A
Oh, my God. I know. I think it's. It's crazy to me today that it really worries me when you think about, I don't know about you, but I've even noticed when I started to outsource. And I think AI is fantastic. Right? There's so many things it's going to be able to do for us, but it's like, how do we keep ourselves, like, strengthening and make it making us smarter rather than making us, like, you say, dumber, or like outsourcing our emotional intelligence. Right.
B
Like, almost. I sometimes have a default to. I'm just going to put that in chat gbt, rather than I have to stop myself and think. No, I'm actually just going to think about this myself first, you know?
A
Yeah, exactly. And so I say to people, and I do for myself now, I'll try to be like, okay, I want to keep my critical thinking as sharp as possible. And that's a muscle with our brain, that part of our brain that we have to keep using. And so I will do what you say first. It's like, okay, I'm going to try and solve this problem myself in silence and with a piece of paper or whatever way it is. And then once I think I found a solution or got halfway, then I can maybe take it to Claude and say, what do you think about this? What am I missing? Rather than, what do I do about this blanket? You know, help me. And so that side of that thinking piece. But equally, I think with the emotional intelligence side, I truly, you know, some people might think differently, but particularly with our intuition, you know, I don't think that intuition and that soul piece and that true emotional empathy, despite what amazing mirroring of kind of the brain side of AI can show you, because it's just essentially like your thoughts really, isn't it? Is that people really need to start tapping into, okay, learning about their emotions, emotional intelligence and strengthening their intuition. Because that part is something that is not going to be able to be replicated when the smartest person in the room can become smarter in their head because of AI. It's like what we were just saying. Solve this for me. Okay, great. And then the less smart person in the room can also do the same. They could both get to the same level of their brain eventually if they're, you know, they're using it. But for people to have true intuitive intelligence and to be able to walk into A room and know that that person isn't feeling well, that person is feeling a bit down, and to use that as a business advantage and how people like create sales, create, you know, communities and actually feel connected to one another, I don't think you can replicate that with AI. And so it's like strengthening that human side of you as much as possible. Possible, yeah. The brain needs to keep going. We need to keep, you know, critical thinking and strengthening that. But like really tapping into, okay, if, if everything's going to be. In that sense, the brain outsourced to intelligence. How can I really make what I can bring out of people and enhance people and make people feel good? Such an amazing, amazing skill to have in this day and age. I really think that.
B
Yeah. And now more than ever, as AI is becoming more and more integrated, it's a time to be doing that. Because if, you know, I've gone through periods in life where I feel my intuition is sort of diluted, I feel it less, I hear it less, I don't have as much space for creativity and thinking. And so I think if you've been on a long stint of that and then you layer that with the knee jerk reaction or the habit of using AI, it is a time to really start strengthening that. It's only going to become more and more integrated.
A
Yeah, it's giving that space every week as well. I think, like, you can say to yourself, right, I'm going to go into nature for 10 minutes a week and just sit with my intuition for a starter or a quiet room, whatever it is. It's like, make that a priority. When you're kind of constantly outsourcing your brain and information overload and all that side of us, it's like, okay, what are the tiny things of space you can give to strengthen your emotional intelligence and intuitive intelligence? And that part of you, I think, so important.
B
Definitely. For someone listening who again, is stuck in that fear of the future, the unknown, if they had to take one piece of advice from all your incredible work, just one sentence, what would you want them to really hear from this episode?
A
As annoying as to say this, because sometimes it's one of the taglines in our book and people can be like, what? But it's about bringing that power back to yourself. Right. Is that it's not the events of your life that stress you, it's the way you deal with them that does. And I don't say that, you know, Mo and I put that in the book. Not as a place of like, oh, we've Never experienced stress. It's like we really believe that even despite, you know, the things that we've gone through and are going through and you know, everyone does continue to. And it's like about realizing that there are some things in the world that are so painful for us. And a lot of the world right now feels very out of control for people and stress. And I think if you remember one thing, it's about, okay, if this is what the life is giving me right now, I always have the agency to respond in a way that's going to make it either a really valuable lesson for me, something that builds resilience, or something that I can actually change and deal with. And just to come back to the fact that we all have this internal power within ourselves when we remember how to direct these different parts of ourselves essentially.
B
Yep, I think that's a great thing to leave people with. And one more closing question. If somebody does one thing straight after this episode, I mean like it's about to end, they're about to finish the episode, what's the one thing they can do that will immediately make a difference on the stress that they're feeling?
A
Yeah, I just say like limit the needless stress. Right. You can't change what you're not aware of. And so first of all, you need to, you know, look at that. We call it a ton of stress, right. That ton model. But just find out where your micro external stresses are and just start to cut them down this week. Like be like, okay, three things I'm going to change. Cut it out and do it every single day, every single week. Because that will have an effect on your system and it's not you adding something, it's something you can reduce. So just keep it simple.
B
Top three that you would say that probably affect most people.
A
Phone in the morning, like that airplane mode aggressive factory setting alarm. Put a soothing one on. I haven't had a factory settling arm on my phone for seven years. It changes your cortisol levels in the morning and the amount of news you're like content, you're consuming through the news. Because the news, it doesn't matter if it's real or if it's in your head. Right. Your brain stress response is still the same. So watching the news 17 times a day with all the horrific things going on in the world right now is putting a lot of micro stress into your system. So just reducing that as well.
B
Perfect. Well, Alice, I've learned so much from you today especially I find the four types of stress and understanding what's your primary? What's your secondary? Thinking about the spiritual signs of stress. I find it all very fascinating and very practical to actually take it and say, okay, this is something we all deal with. This is something that's inevitable in my life. How do I actually move the needle in terms of managing this? That's really what it comes down to. So thank you so much for the work you do. Thank you for coming on the show today and chatting through it. And I will just say to everybody listening, because I still have, I think, a lot of extra questions. So if anything else has come to mind for you guys, I'm going to put a pinned comment. If you're watching on YouTube, on Spotify, you can comment as well. If you want to see a part two, let me know what part of this conversation deserves a bit more space? What other questions have come to mind for you? What things you're dealing with that you want us to chat about a bit more? And I'm sure we can get you back on for a Part two. But thank you so much for your time. I really appreciate it.
A
No, I thank you. It's been really enjoyable. And thank you so much for having me.
B
My pleasure. Thank you.
Podcast: The Balance Theory
Host: Erika De Pellegrin
Guest: Alice Law (stress expert, author, and speaker)
Episode: The Stress Advice That Actually Changed My Life
Date: May 24, 2026
In this engaging and deeply insightful episode, Erika De Pellegrin welcomes Alice Law, a stress expert and author, to explore practical, life-changing advice for managing stress. Together, they unravel the multifaceted nature of stress, drawing from Alice’s personal and professional experience, and offer actionable strategies to shift from overwhelm and overthinking to calm and control. The discussion focuses on identifying different forms of stress, understanding their signals, creating “micro certainties,” and building a blueprint for lifelong stress management—all with compassion, realism, and a dash of spiritual exploration.
[02:49–07:42]
"I can't change any of these things. What can I do? I realized...the one thing I could do was how I responded to stuff." (Alice, 05:54)
[08:05–09:00]
"Stress is your signal. It's not the enemy. It becomes the enemy when you miss the signal." (Alice, 08:09)
[14:26–22:44]
"Limit the needless stress in your life to bring your stress threshold down so that when the stuff that's uncontrollable...gets added on top, your stress threshold isn't already at its maximum from really stupid things." (Alice, 15:39)
[17:50–22:44, re-capped at 59:02]
[24:36–33:22]
"You have to learn to walk your brain or it will walk you." (Alice, 27:13; intro paraphrase)
"We have to train our brain to be our biggest cheerleader again." (Alice, 30:11)
[11:02–15:07; 35:06–41:24]
"Your attention is being manipulated by your phone and you have to ask, where do I want my attention to go?" (Alice, 35:52)
[41:24–51:59]
"Your soul is the side of you that is not attached to what people think, what labels you have, what your parents are telling you, or what job you think you should have." (Alice, 43:46)
[52:30–56:19]
"The brain needs to keep going...but really tapping into, if everything's going to be...outsourced to intelligence, how can I make what I bring out of people and how I make people feel an amazing skill in this day and age?" (Alice, 55:13)
This episode blends science-backed insight, practical tools, and soul-deep wisdom for managing life’s inevitable stress. Alice Law and Erika underscore that while external events are out of our hands, we always have agency over our thoughts, reactions, and self-kindness. Recognizing your “stress language,” responding with awareness rather than autopilot, and nurturing spiritual alignment can transform stress from an overwhelm source to a guidepost for a calm, meaningful life.
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